WHAT'S NOT UP

You always hear about people who ask the question, what's up? Which I think is kind of an unfair question considering you never know if somebody always has something up in their lives at that moment.

What if the worse situation occurs and instead the only have something down going on? Asking them what's up could be really depressing and nobody needs that.

So perhaps to be more sensitive to people who you aren't sure have something up you could ask them what's not up. You know to show you care and all without showing you really have no idea if they are having a good time or not.

That way if they started out with what was not up and then by chance had something cool that was up they could tell you that. It seems a much better way to deal with it from my point of view.

I mainly say that because over at STINK where I work even though we are a cool and happening bunch of dudes there are times when not much is up. Well, that is providing you don't count people's weight. But that is one kind of up that we normally don't talk about since it ain't the kind of up that makes people all that smiley face.

Still, there are times when something is up. So when we get together at lunch and what not we do occasionally like to know if something is new.

About the only time we don't honestly want to do that is when Truly Grimey is fixing lunch. That is because with her cooking the one thing that probably is going to be up is the food she cooks after everyone barfs. And that is definitely not the kind of up that we love talking about too much.

Anyway, that is why we sort of got around to the other option at STINK of asking, what's not up. That way somebody can talk about the stuff that bores the heck out of them and we can always just nod.

Man, let me tell you though the one thing I do hate is when on rat boy, Junior Hemoglobin decides to join the conversation. Talk about having no clue on what is decent in terms of up, he sure is a champ at that.

I'm sorry, but you know to me learning about some new cheese he found in his cheese addicts catalogue doesn't excite me. That dude is absolutely nuts about cheese, but it doesn't mean I love it or any of the other people who are at STINK.

With him we never ask what's up. We don't even ask what's not up. You can be guaranteed with him it will end up always being about cheese in some way and that doesn't work for the rest of us.

I'm just glad when he's out at the restroom and can't ask us. Normally it is when one of those new flavor's of cheese turns out to be less that agreeable with his tummy. And that is one what's up that always makes the rest of us smile.

MY, MY, MY

I rank this up there with something like "gimmie, gimmie, gimmie" in terms of being important. There are just a few things you just got to be able to repeat normally three times for them to be appreciated.

The one thing we do know is that my, my, my is different from mine, mine, mine. And I hope we all understand the difference.

With mine, mine, mine you are saying, "keep your grubby paws of what is mine!" Or something along the lines of "I got dibs on this whatever and you better not even thought about touching it."

Whereas with something like "my, my, my" I think you are more expressing some kind of concern. Which means you are seeing something that sucks and really sad about it.

Because if you aren't sad then you don't care and you won't end up saying 'my, my, my.' You might give it a "oh well." Which to me is sort of the way of saying, "who gives a flip" without being insulting about it.

So "my, my, my" is kind of important because you know the person cares. Still, it is important to watch how the person says it too.

I learned that from my buddy Otis and seeing how he says that. There are the times where he really is concerned. And can tell because there is a lot of zing in his tone like somebody gave him a giant wedgy.

Then there are the times when it is more of a yawn. That is the type where he says it because it needs to be said, but he doesn't allow himself to get very excited about it.

Like for example if I happen to be out of jelly beans. He'll sit there when I tell him and sort of casually say, "oh my, my, my." He'll through in the "oh" part for what is called affect. That is where you don't care, but think adding an "oh" will make it seem like you do.

Then there are the times such as say when he is out of Spam. In those case it is, "MY, MY, MY." Often it is followed somewhere by the word God being added. Like the Lord is to blame for some reason because he ran out of Spam.

Now the big difference between these two, is that with the 'my, my, my" types of response we don't go and fetch more jelly beans right away. Whereas if it involves a "MY, MY, MY" from something like a lack of Spam then we are going to take care of it right then. And I mean right then even if it is two in the morning.

So in this case I do always have a lot of reason to pay attention to how this is said. In my situation it comes down to knowing if I'm going to get my jelly beans right now or a whole lot later. That is the kind of my, my, my that really makes a difference.

FRIED, DIED AND PIED

Now the rule for me here is that if it is fried it means it is something that has died. That is as opposed to something that never lived. Like a chicken. I'm not talking about stuff like a rock.

And since it rhymes in a way the same rule applies. If it is in a pie it should have once been alive. Well, kind of perhaps. I mean some might claim chocolate and cream filled pies were never alive. But I say otherwise. After all chocolate was once some kind of bean and cream like vanilla was also a bean.

Again for a mud pie since it might be called a pie, but it don't count with you tummy and then it really don't matter. Unless it is that kind mud pie made from cookies and ice cream, then it is okay.

I suppose some people might even be wondering why this needs to be listed. They might presume you know that people already know all of this.

Well let me tell you from what I've seen that ain't always the case. I was watching this show the other day where people were getting paid for eating all kinds of weird stuff. Which I suppose is okay if that is your think.

But personally, if my tummy ain't happy then getting paid to eat disgusting junk just ain't worth it. Not in my book.

That is this cookbook that I've been writing. It has all kinds of helpful hints on the really cool stuff you want to eat and the best way to eat it.

Take a peanut butter sandwich for example. The peanut butter part is important, however it is the and part that really matters.

Which is what I try to write about in my book. The big trick is figuring out how much stuff you can add as the and part before the sandwich is too big to fit in your mouth.

That chapter is nearly done. So I started on this one about the fried, died and pied. I figure it is important for people needing to know all of this important stuff to find it in one place.

I tell you one thing, I can wait to get to the chapter I'm planning on devoting to jelly beans. I got to admit that on the subject of jelly beans I figure it is important that I might even have to devote two chapters.

One would be about regular jelly bean cooking. Like putting them in sandwiches on pizza and the like. Then I would not doubt need a second chapter for what I call gourmet cooking. That is where I describe how you use jelly beans for more advanced types of cooking like with TV dinners. I figure there are enough people out there who could benefit from that kind of info. Now all I have to do is find out where they keep all those dinners shaped like TV's that Otis is always talking about.

MAPS AND BANANAS

What do these both have in common? Simple, they both can split. Only it is a bad thing with maps since it makes them hard to read whereas with bananas it is a good thing since you can add ice cream and other stuff and eat it.

Now wouldn't it be wonderful if they made maps out of bananas? Then when it split you would have dessert. Gee, I wonder how come nobody ever thought of that before?

Maybe I'll write to some map company or fruit company and suggest it. Yeah, they might like the idea enough to give me a big reward for thinking it up.

Man could I use a lifetime supply of banana maps. Although, I guess you would have to eat the map rather quickly at times. Because bananas do turn brown and then you couldn't read them anyway.

But I bet they could add some kind of preservative or say like a shellac that would make the banana last longer. And the other thing is if you ended up eating the map then the map companies could count on you buying more maps from time to time.

It might be cool to say have some cereal with slices of bananas that had been a map. Seeing a bunch of street names on the slices might make it educational.

Now if you got inspired you could say do some really big maps like of the stars or an atlas. That way you could munch on some state, country or something. I like that idea.

I can see it now, hey I'm going to eat Africa for breakfast. Not that I'm suggesting Africa would be more tasty than any other place, it just kind of sounded cool to me.

But I reckon somebody will give me some lame reason for not giving it a shot. I tell you there are just too many people out there that have no vision. That is what Otis calls it when you come up with great ideas and nobody likes them.

I figure if they went to some doctor maybe he could give them the kinds of glasses that would fix that problem. Then maybe they would see how this idea is extra cool.

Gee, I wonder if this would work for stuff like say peanut butter, banana and other good stuff in a sandwich. I guess it might be a little tricky seeing how it might be harder to see the lines on the sliced banana when it was covered in say fudge sauce. But then perhaps you could make the sauce transparent somehow. Yeah, glue is kind of clear at times. So I guess I ought to talk to the glue people too and see if they are able to figure some clear kind that will be edible.

Heck it is for a good cause. Having a full stomach and not getting lost would be a wonderful help to lots of people. I know that with the right approach they would see the value. Hopefully better than those guys over at the mall's food court that wouldn't even listen when I told them.

LOST, BUT NOT LOST

Most of the time I end up going places I haven't been before with my buddy Otis. When I drive my moped as a rule, I just need to go to places I usually go so I don't worry about getting lost very much.

So when it comes to going to new places, I generally end up just sitting back while Otis does the driving. But a lot of times he ends up sort of expecting me to help by reading some map.

That ain't any big deal sometimes. But what kind of bugs me is you know a map can be kind of confusing at times.

At least to me. I mean for one thing, the map will say one direction is east. But when I hold it up if I'm not going the same way the map is faced then east ain't really east.

So when Otis tries to get me to explain whether we are suppose to go in a given direction all I can tell is up or down right or left. Now naturally, he'll never admit when he's gotten totally lost in some case. Oh now, he wouldn't do that.

Instead if we've been driving long enough and I can see those beads of sweat on his forehead, I can tell he is sort of stressing out a little. So I'll get nervous because I don't really like spending all day being lost either.

Now what he does to sort of act sneaky about it is to sometimes stop at some place that is close enough to the place we are suppose to be going. All I can say it is a darn good thing there are so many grocery stores and gas stations in our city. Because when he finds a close enough place because we didn't find the one in some add he saw in the paper it is a lot better than us continuing to drive forever.

I'm just glad we don't have to go out of town very often. Because at least in our city we can generally find our way back of home without too much trouble no matter who turned around we got.

I'm not sure what we would do in another city. I know one thing, it wouldn't matter how lost we got, Otis would definitely never stop and ask for directions.

I haven't quite figured out why, because he never actually explains that part. I just know it doesn't matter how much we end up confused or in some place other than where we were suppose to go, Otis won't admit to anyone we are lost.

He'll call it something else. Like we are lost, but not really lost. It still don't seem that different to me.

About the only good thing is if we get lost enough we eventually end up stopping somewhere for something to eat. So I do get to eat at lots of different places and at least with a full tummy you don't seem to worry about being lost as much.

Thought for the week: "What's with this stupid movie rating thing? P to me is boring so does it stand Pee as in you need to go to the bathroom to keep from going to sleep?"

CONDIMENTS AND SHAVING CREAM

Yep, there are some things that were meant to be smeared. It might seem cruel or unfair, but that is the way it is.

Which is fine by me since after all, what good would it be to try and use shaving cream if you didn't smear it all over you beard? The same can be said for condiments like ketchup. Heck you can have a decent burger if you don't smear it all over your burger till it is drowning in the stuff.

That is the part that I feel is the most important here. With both of these things, you can waste your time talking in terms of you know being careful about not using too much.

What I really think is cool is with shaving cream since it is used to make you look cleaner you can be as messy as you want while making it seem you are just trying to be clean. Whereas with condiments you can always use the excuse that you have plenty of napkins to make up for being messy.

In any case I'm just happy to know that there are times where it is okay to be messy and not feel guilty about it. Which ought to help those who might be worried about the griminals from STINK busting your butt for untidy behavior.

Nope, rest assure we won't do that. Just remember if you get all jazzed with condiments we might show up just to surprise you. So be sure you got plenty to eat of more than just condiments.

Otherwise if we show up being really, really hungry and all you got is some ketchup packets don't expect us to be happy. Of course you don't have to worry too much as long as you got the take out places on speed dial. That is always a good idea.

And don't forget if you are going to order pizza that we don't like anchovies. Those are not in the group of approved grimefighter choices.

As for the shaving cream option, well just be sure you clean up after you use you razor and such. Nothing bugs us more than somebody who gets too carried away with this whole shaving cream thing.

That is just about as bad as not using enough. I hope I've made that clear too. After all, you do need to keep the facts straight and the razor too.

Now that I've clarified all that data I feel better. It is all part of my never ending struggle to be sure that people remained informed as they need to be for their own best interest.

I just wish I could get those guys I've already told this to appreciate it as much as I would like. Perhaps next time I won't try to take one of them who doesn't get it and smear mayo on his face to show him the best way to use shaving cream. Hey, it was one of those spur of the moment choices. Live and learn.

PORCUPINES AND ONION RINGS

Alright, I'm ready for those who will say, I've lost it totally. That there is no way porcupines go with onion rings no matter what you are going to say.

Well I would say you are right. There, I said it. Are you happy now? But you see that is my whole point. Don't we live in such a great country where a grimefighter/ trash collector and also super hero can post a blog on things that don't go together if he wants.

Now you might agree and then say something like, you can do what you want, but why bother us with it. To which I like to point out how we are talking most of all about art here. Yep, that's right, the basic give of being able to create something different and unique.

Besides you never know when the occasion might arise when these two things could end up going together. Like when you might ask? Well how about as some zoo. Yeah, you could have somebody checking out the animals and stops at the porcupine exhibit while snacking on some onion rings. Hey, it could happen. Maybe not any time soon, but it could happen just the same.

Then you could read this posting and say, "Well I'll be dang, old Philo wasn't such a crazy after all."

So anytime you think you got life all figure out and things make complete sense I hope you will remember there just might be a think or two you haven't got right. And if you get to that point don't worry, you can depend upon old Philo to be right here waiting.

I might even arrange for you to have lunch with come porcupines. Of course you would have to be willing to bring the onion rings. I mean fair is fair, if I can scrounge up the porcupines the least you could do is figure out a way to bring some onion rings.

Now remember though and don't try to take the easy way out. I said onion rings and not French fries.

Because I certainly plan on doing my part and be sure I bring a real porcupine. Not a stuffed one, not some raccoon with a broom glued to his back, but a real porcupine.

I'm sure glad I pointed that part out. Man I would hate to get all excited about making this posting make sense and then screw it up with some fake onion rings or a stuffed porcupine.

Perhaps though I'll keep those in mind for future postings. Yeah, if you can link porcupines and onion rings then you ought to be able to link the fake stuff.

I wonder if I would need to mention they were fake? Guess that will have to wait till I get around to locating a real porcupine. I'm sure they hang out somewhere cool. And if I'm really lucky they will have some onion rings too.

KEEPING SECRETS

I love hearing secrets. It's always so cool to think you know something extra special not everyone else knows.

Most of the time I can't wait to share them too. Boy does that help with when conversations get kind of boring over in STINK's lunch room.

That is unless the darn person mentions this secret is just between you and me. Which basically means if you tell anyone I'm bash you.

And depending on what kind of secret it happens to be it can be really tough having to not tell anyone else. I'm just glad most of the time they don't mention those words though.

Because let me tell you there are times when my tongue sure can be dumb and stupid. I just sit there feeling like some simmering pot that is ready to blow. Then the next thing I know, whammo, I got diarrhea of the mouth big time.

Oh I hate myself later naturally, but at that moment I just feel so much better knowing I don't have to keep that one thing secret any more. And it is a good feeling that last right up till the next time I see the person who said that dreaded just between you and me.

Yep, I'm just very grateful that I don't get told that very often any longer. Actually I don't see the people who I ended up blowing it on some secret that often. And I guess their lives are getting pretty dull. Because lately they never bother to even mention any secrets. At least none that they mention that part about between you and me.

So perhaps it won't come up again anyway. Which would be my luck. It is kind of shame since I did enjoy those times a whole lot when there was some of those between you and me.

Oh well, I guess I'll just have to learn to pass the time doing what I did before we had very many of those between you and me type of conversations. I used to have to spend the time passing on what I would overhear in the halls and men's room.

That was not as much fun because people seem to always claim I didn't hear them right. Hey, when I hear somebody claim their brother was eaten by a giant booger shaped like a peanut, I figure somebody ought to know about it.

I mean the nerve of those guys trying to claim he didn't say giant booger and was saying something about why can't we have fun more. Yeah, like I'm going to believe that one.

They can claim that all they want. Meanwhile, I got a giant handkerchief sitting in the supply closet just in case that giant booger just show up and decides to smear everyone with snot. Then after that, well I guess maybe we will see who was really hearing it right.

ALL IN SO-SO TIME

Some might say this is supposed to be all in good time. Which to me suggests somebody is claiming waiting is always a good thing.

Personally I think the joker that said that probably was not having to wait for anything. I always hate when somebody tells you to do something they aren't willing to do.

As far as I'm concerned if you aren't getting stuck having to wait then don't be saying stupid junk about how it is cool or good. Which can sort of get complicated if you are dealing with somebody who is trying to be sympathetic, but it doesn't affect them either.

See the problem with that approach is that people try to act all calm and relaxed in their sympathy while you are there crapping your pants from anxiety. So while they try to be helpful by listening, you can tell in reality they are sort of thinking, "whew, glad I'm not as bad off as that poor slob." Which you be can sure really doesn't make me feel better.

What is even worse though are those 'have a nice day jerks.' They will ask you how you are doing and then never hear a single word you say. You can tell them that you arm just fell off and you found out that you got some terrible disease and all they will do is say, "have a nice day."

You can be darn sure having a nice day is not want I want to wish them in such situations. But then since Otis doesn't let me always carry my bat like I want it means I can always with them an all in good time, my way.

That is the part of all in good time that never happens the way I want I guess. It don't stop me from practicing just in case.

Of course I don't tell Otis about those times either. Although I will admit he sort of suspects something when he sees this one pillow I tape to this pole at times. I got a picture of old rat boy, Junior Hemoglobin, taped to it.

Man, if there is one all in good time I wish would come it would be when I get to take my bat and say hello to old rat boy. I've had a few nice dreams of imagining those times when he just stands there sucking on hunk of cheese and dares to say something dumb like "have a nice day."

Only in a way he would be right. I mean I can't think of a better or nice day than one where I got to clobber old rat boy senseless. But I kind of know it won't happen any time soon.

The big problem isn't with Junior, but his dad, Dr. Hemoglobin who is our boss. He sort of takes offense to the idea of any of us bashing Junior. And that is kind of discouraging since I'm not quite ready to risk getting fired for making sure old rat boy does get what he deserves. Which is why at times, I just have to sneak out to the garage with that pillow and my bat and look at Junior's mug before I swing my bat and say, "In good time."

KNOCK, KNOCK

What I want to know is who is the sick person who first came up with these darn knock knock jokes? Don't we have enough to worry about in life besides always having to ask who's there when somebody says knock knock?

We got this jerk over where I work at STINK who love knock knock jokes. And most of the are totally dumb or honestly make no sense at all.

Like this one where when you ask who's there? And he will say, Onion. So you ask Onion who?

Then he will reply "God bless you." Afterwards he totally cracks up like it was the funniest joke ever told.

Now maybe that is his idea of a cool joke making it seem like when you ask Onion who you are sounding like you are sneezing, but it doesn't work for me. Which is okay since I don't have to see the guy everyday.

The only problem I got is he ends seeing other people are STINK and telling them his stupid jokes. Then they decide to tell me. Like I really need that.

I do sort of have my own way of dealing with this silliness though. It is kind of knock, knock. Only I use a bat and you don't have to ask who's there.

In face with my version of knock, knock you probably won't be awake to even ask. So that works for me.

It just doesn't work for my buddy Otis. He seems to think that kind of knock, knock is not a good choice.

So I generally have to keep my bat hidden at times when we are together. That way when I need to use my version of knock, knock I have it handy, but don't have to let him know.

One way I have gotten around it too is when I do my version of knock, knock on some griminal when Otis isn't looking I always have my own way of explaining him finding the person lying unconscious on the ground. I just telling him I was telling the person jokes.

So far he hasn't bugged me about that reply. And hopefully, he won't ask me to tell him the jokes either.

I mean Otis is my bud and even though he does some weird stuff at times, I really don't want to expose him to that kind of knock, knock. I suppose I'm going to have to ask that jerk to tell me a few of his so I don't have to make up any stupid ones. But then considering how dumb his jokes are, I'm not sure making them up isn't a better idea.

WHO GOES THERE?

The question I have is what is the most important part of this question? Now some people might claim it is the who part. I mean you are asking to know who is going wherever they are going. But you know to me it is the goes part that really counts.

After all you do got to worrying only if they are going. Knowing the who part or the there part don't seem like a big deal. Because if you don't know the goes part how you going to be able to spot them to know of who really got there?

Otherwise the person who is the who might just sneak up and get to the there without you being able to tell. This is really important if you are watching out for some real special reason to find some person. So you know who they are and where they are going, but not how they are going to get there. Shoot what if they show up driving some huge motor home shaped like a purple whale? Man that could be really embarrassing if you didn't know they were planning on driving the stupid thing.

Now I hear this is a big question for those Army types to ask when they are guarding something. I don't want to be unkind to anyone who happens to own a bunch of guns, but don't you think it is kind of dumb for somebody guarding a there to ask who goes there? They already know the there as far as I'm concerned. Let's get real on that issue.

As for the who part. Well, now you are guarding something you normally don't do that unless it is important or valuable. So who is likely to be the who, but some jerk who wants whatever you are guarding. That's where I figure they came up with that saying don't shoot till you see the light of their pies.

Which I figure means make darn sure you are real clear on who is it that might be creeping on where you are. Basically that to me is the idea that if you are guarding something that you would end up shooting somebody then make sure they aren't some pie delivery dude just bringing dessert. Seems simple enough.

All of that brings me back to the basic issue of knowing darn sure what it is the person is going in. After all if some jerk who is lugging a pie to make it look like he's harmless happens to be moving in some big tank you can pretty much knew he ain't not dessert salesman.

I just hope I made that clear so in the future if you find yourself in the position for asking this question you won't forget to ask about the going part. Make sure you got that aspect all clear before worrying about the other stuff.

Having said all of that I'm ready now to head off and do my thing. All I have to figure out what my thing is. See that is another of those questions where people get confused over what part of the question or comment is important.

With doing my thing it is the thing part that counts. You know it is mine and you are doing it, which leaves just figuring out what the darn thing is. Just thought I would pass that on for what it was worth.

AS THE WIND BLOWS

Okay, wind blows. Everybody got that? I hope so since if you think about it what else does wind have to do anyway, except blows.

So when somebody says something like as the wind blows, what is up with that? I mean shoot man am I suppose to figure out some secret message in the process. Is there like a secret wind hiding somewhere that does something other than blow that I might expect in some way?

Seems like a fair question to ask from my point of view. I won't say everyone would agree, but that is how I see it. Which is a good thing considering I don't have any plans on ripping out some other dudes eyes just to try and see what he claims to see.

And let me tell you with some of the people I know that wouldn't be a good thing either. I mean outside of the ones that wear glasses there are the other problems you know. Like the fact that some see real weird stuff that isn't there.

Oh that has happened to me a couple of times I guess. Yeah it happened right after I used this stuff for cleaning in the bathroom and forgot to leave the window open.

My buddy Otis was a big help at the time because he spent time making sure how I know that giant Cheeto I thought was standing next to the toilet was only a shower curtain. That sure saved me from making a big mistake in terms of trying to eat it too.

Anyway that was one time when I sort of wish that I had been you know where the wind was blowing. It might have helped keep me from seeing that giant Cheeto. Besides I was so dang disappointed after that happen. I did want to so much to try one just to see they were any good.

I must have wolfed down ten or twelve bags in hopes of finding out, but it just never was the same. Maybe next time I'll just try looking at them through a pair of binoculars and my tummy will think they are giant so I can know for sure.

In the meantime I reckon I'm going to have to figure a way to get passed this as the wind blows thing when I hear somebody talking about it. Unless they are letting me know because they are thinking of letting off a big one. Boy you can be sure I don't want to be down wind when that happens.

Of course my buddy Otis says that if you really want to experience the wind right all you need to do is spend time with some politicians. He said most are big blowhards any way.

I wonder if they ever rely on the wind to help with how hard they are trying to blow on stuff. Guess I can answer that one at the moment. Maybe I'll try calling up some politician and ask if he is really that big as blowing hard? Yeah, it seems like a fair question. Not sure if he'll give me the answer I need, but it is worth a try I suppose. At least I'll find out when the time comes providing I can get the phone number from information to wherever all the politicians hang out the most.

Thought for the week: "I wonder if people who do the prime time news have to eat prime rib? Or does it mean they have to be in their prime."

ONIONS, BROWNIES AND TOURNIQUETS

Okay, I can bet nobody is able to figure how any of these three things could go together. And that is the problem, if you don't know you are missing some important stuff.

There are just some things in life that I figure are more important than others. Only they don't always seem that way till you have the kind of emergency where nothing else will do.

For me onions and brownies are like that as are tourniquets. I mean you hardly ever worry or think about a tourniquet unless you need one. And what I don't like is when I'm told I don't need one and I figure the person isn't really informed. I still say a tourniquet is important for stuff like a nose bleed. But my buddy Otis keeps insisting it doesn't work that way.

As for the brownies and onions, heck aren't there just times where nothing works as well as a big chewy brownie or some nice hot onion rings. I call those "help I'm dying here" emergencies.

French fries are cool and most of the time enough for when you are eating a burger, but sometimes you just truly need something different. That's what I think they invented onion rings for.

Those are extra cool even though I never seen any onion shaped like a ring so I figure they must grow a special kind just for onion rings. Pity since it might be fun to work on how you could use them for other things like coasters.

Anyway then there are brownies. Cakes and donuts are great, but there are times you just got to have that chewing brownie that fills in the gap.

So you see all three of these things are important in their own way. Now one of these days I'm going to be sure they get the respect they deserve too.

I'm thinking that I might come up with say an onion ring that tastes like a brownie that you can use as a tourniquet or at least looks like one. It might be extra useful for something like if you had a bakery emergency and needed some kind of special first aid.

The real cool part would be later when you didn't need the tourniquet any longer. Then you could say have it for dessert.

I suppose that would be providing you hadn't gotten blood all over it. Red sort of could be mistaken for icing or ketchup I suppose and you don't need that.

Now all I got to do is convince Otis that this is an idea worth checking out more. That would mean buying lots of onion rings and brownies. I guess we could make a few tourniquets.

But I reckon Otis will say no. There are times he sort of doesn't appreciate my creativity.

NO WAY, NO HOW

I think this is simple enough. If you don't know the way, you won't know the how either. Because the how'in part always kind of goes with the way part. Sort of like peanut butter and jelly. Um with bananas and potato chips too I suppose to be technical about it.

So the way I see it this really isn't a big problem to figure out. Now why given it is easy to understand do some people end up saying 'no way, no how?"

It sure beats the heck out of me. Shoot the time I notice this being said the most is over at STINK when somebody is being asked to do something.

Now if what they are being asked to do is kind of dumb and stupid they always comment "no way, no how." It just of kind of bugs me that is all.

Because you would figure them dudes would easily understand that all you have to say is "can't do it." Or maybe it is more like "can't find it." Then we wouldn't have to waste time with the now how part.

I did mention that on a couple of occasions when I heard it, but I guess I had bad timing or something. That's because even though I didn't smell it, from the weird look that the person got I'm sure somebody cut one.

It does kind of annoy me to have to always help people understand simple stuff. Man it is exhausting working with so many people that are slow learners.

I can't tell you the number of times when I have to do this. And from the way they react I got to tell you these people really do have learning problem. At least it seems like it considering how much they just have trouble getting it.

Still, I do try to make allowances for the fact that people are different. Well okay, I should say that is how Otis calls it. As for myself I'm not sharing what allowance I get with anybody. He can say that if he wants since his allowance comes in Spam and nobody wants any of it as a rule except him.

But with jelly beans it is different man. I know them dudes over at STINK, if I was making my allowance with them, they would be a bunch of greedy rats and eat all of them.

In the meantime, I think I need to spend more time getting books or something that have all the "hows" in it. That way when somebody says no way, I can pull out the book and give it to them so they will know the way.

Maybe I ought to get an encyclopedia. Although I would only need the W and H. I'm sure those would have all the hows and whys somewhere. I wonder if you can buy just a W and H volume of some encyclopedia? I guess I can all up and ask the dude at the library. He's not very friendly at times though. Generally he gets kind of cranky after I ask him some questions. That is probably because he ate something he didn't enjoy I reckon.

HOLIDAY SEALS

I know seals are. They are those big things that swim in the ocean, but aren't fish and they make kind of honking noise.

Sounds to me like they sort of have an identity crisis though what we being confused over whether or not they are fish. I guess that is why some of them end up taking part time jobs working at zoos and doing cute tricks. Then there are the other ones that go into the Military they call Navy Seals.

I reckon they don't bother to join the Army or Air Force seeing how they love to spend so much time in the ocean and all. I do kind of wonder if they have much trouble getting a uniform to fit. Plus I'm not all that clear on what it is that they need with money. Seems like the ones in the ocean don't worry about it from best I can tell.

Now what is kind of crazy to me are when they get all hung up having to be involved with some kind of holiday. I think everyone knows that Christmas is for Santa Claus, his elves and reindeer. How come those darn seals got to horn in and become Christmas Seals? What do they do dress up in a red whatever and put on some fake beard? Sounds kind of dumb to me.

Then there are the other ones that hang around for Easter. Now I ask you does the Easter Bunny worry about them as competition. Personally, I would trust getting some chocolate egg from an Easter Seal. I bet it would be filled with fish or smell like salt water. Who would want that.

So I reckon seals do have their reasons for doing other things than hanging around the ocean all the time. Heck, maybe the get worried about their skin getting all wrinkled if they don't go out and play at something else at times. I know that is what happens to my skin if I stay in the water all the time.

It is a shame they don't figure a way to play in a swimming pool instead of the ocean. I mean at least that way they could spend time working as a life guard I reckon. Just trying to help out you know?

Well given the fact that I live at the ocean and have no plans at moving there I suppose this is one time when I won't really worry about figuring this one out. Course I do know where this is this zoo. It is over at the mall. They call it a Petting Zoo. Not sure who this guy Petting Zoo, but maybe if I find him I can ask him about the seal thing.

Can't recall seeing any of those seals over in his zoo though. Maybe they were on break when I was there?

It is hard to say for sure where seals seeing how they seem to be all caught up in doing lots of stuff other than swimming. All I know is if they decided to take up grimefighting they better darn well spend their time working sewer patrol. That is about the main time we come in contact with water.

GLORY BE

When I heard this thing I always want to ask, be what? I never get an answer that I can recall, but I like to ask it just the same.

I like the idea of glory. Of course I prefer new kinds of glory, not old ones. I mean I've heard about old glory and I've never seen it because any time I've heard about it somebody is pointing at the flag.

How do they expect me to see what is the old glory if all they are going to do is show me the American Flag. I think they are just trying to pull my leg or some other silliness.

Why I'm not sure because I bet whatever the old glory is it could be real cool if I could see it. But since all I end up dealing with in that regard is a bunch of jokers who think just pointing at the flag would be enough for me to see.

I know for myself new glory is where you do something so cool that everyone wants to pat you on the back and reporters want to put your picture in the paper. It would be wonderful if that happen to me sometime, but it hasn't so far.

That is why I was hoping to see that old glory for real. I figured if I could see it then I would get a better idea what it was like for the future. But so far it hasn't worked out that way.

Now my buddy Otis keeps telling me how we are doing what we are doing for glory or money. And so far I guess he has to be right because we sure don't get much of either.

But that doesn't mean it wouldn't be cool to try. So for myself I'm thinking that I might just surprise him and do a little whatever that would end up with some glory.

The big problem is deciding what that would be. I haven't quite worked out the details yet. I know for it to be glory it better be extra special.

Which is kind of challenge because there are so many people out there that don't seem to know what real cool is. At least it seems to me.

So I'm thinking my first job is to educate people on what is honestly cool. That way I can check it out and make sure when I do the glory thing they will appreciate it better.

I haven't got yet to the point of determining if it would be best to come up with some miracle cure or do something to save the world for the glory thing. I'm kind of leaning towards coming up with a miracle cure since I wouldn't have to go anywhere to do that.

Plus I'm sure I could figure jelly beans into that part easy enough. It is just a question of getting the people to see how they are a cure for what is making you sick. And if they haven't got that part figured out at this point they will when I stuff a few up their nose. Some people really need encouraging at times.

FOR THE MOMENT

Boy is this a tough problem. I only hear this when they are talking about temporary junk. Which isn't bad if you are talking about stuff that you want to be temporary.

However if you are talking about something you want to last a long time the phrase for the moment is about as helpful and, well, not a whole lot that's for sure. Like too many things this happens mainly to me at STINK.

And too often it happens it seems right in the middle of us planning some assignment. Like they set us up to go after the bad guy griminals and toss us some new secret weapon. Only it isn't much of a secret since we know about it.

I just wish that these super duper secret weapons they gave us really were all that super. Because sometimes they don't work so good. Then it is better if they stay a secret in my opinion.

Most of the time though you just sort of work around them. The only time I get real concerned is if they say this particular weapon is just for the moment. It is like they invented it just for a given assignment.

That would be okay but it almost always means there is something wrong with it. And let me tell you a super duper secret weapon that ends up making you forget who you are and fart uncontrollably is not a weapon I enjoy.

So whenever they shove some new weapon in our face and tell us it is for the moment you can believe I'm not too warmed up to the idea of using it. Which is why I try to find a way to avoid it.

Only problem is when they say for the moment every grimefighter knows the thing will probably suck. So we all take turns coming up with the best excuse for why we can't try it.

Now I'm lucky because my buddy Otis is about the best there is at making crap up. But sadly in these situations sometimes he sort of doesn't always hit a home run.

I guess it is because in the panic the other grimefighters can really be creative. It happens when you are worried about the possibility some dang weapon is going to cause you butt to fall off.

It all translates into the times we get stuck lugging this thing on some assignment. Then for the moment lasts forever till we get back to Headquarters with our bodies still functioning.

After that then we breathe a little easier and for a different kind of moment things are cool. Which is a whole lot better than those other for the moments. Thank goodness they are for the moment and not forever is all I can say.

DOING UNTO OTHERS

There are all kinds of doing that involves others. Some of them are good and others not so great. That sort of depends if you are the other being done to or the one who is the doer.

To me the big word in all of this is unto. Because unto is a little different than doing for someone. Unto them ain't necessarily a good thing. It can be I suppose if you into doing unto others for good reasons.

Only from what I've seen there are a whole lot of times when the unto folks are other than interested in good stuff for others. Now if you are talking of somebody like say Bugly Ugly Savage who is Mr. Mammongrabber's enforcer, you just know the one thing he's not going to do is anything that is an unto you will smile about.

But then you sort of know he is that way, so I don't much expect otherwise from him. What kind of confuses me is dealing with somebody like the Reverend Analbe. He kind of talks about doing good stuff unto others, but by the time he gets does it just don't quite seem to come out that way.

Unless you sort of think keeping people from doing anything fun is doing good unto them. I haven't quite met too many people that would look at that as a good thing.

However, the Reverend seems to think that the best way to help people is making sure they don't do anything remotely fun. He seems to regard that as somehow helping them.

I'm not really clear how he figures that, but I did ask him once and all he did was start talking about turning the other cheek. Only he never did say which one of my butt cheeks that meant so it didn't help, plus I never did get the hang of understand how I was suppose to turn it either.

Then he went on to talk about sinning, which he seems to talk about a lot and storing up treasures in heaven. It might have been nice if he had you know told me exactly where I was suppose to get the treasures. I wasn't very clear on where they were that I could lay my hands on them. Guess he will get around to explaining it eventually.

In the meantime, I reckon I'll just have to be content with trying to do my own version of this do unto other thing. I think I'll stick with not pissing people off by doing stuff that would piss me off. Seems fair.

That is unless the person is a griminal. If they are a griminal I plan on doing a whole lot of stuff to them that pisses me off.

After all, griminals might be part of the others, but their unto part sure doesn't apply to me and nobody else either since leaving messes is hardly a good thing in my book. That's the one I call the good book. But I don't tell the Reverend that since he would no doubt expect me to take it away for being something I enjoy.

THE WINDY CITY

Well I just got over the problem of dealing with that crazy dude talking about the city he called the Big Apple, but didn't have any apples to show me in the pictures when I heard about the Windy City. Man don't they give city's regular names any longer?

And I suppose I wouldn't mind, but heck man if they are going to name some city after something it sure would be great if the city was actually like that. So once again I had to listen to somebody talk about a city and not once did they show me pictures that we in any way like what they called the city.

This guy had lots of pictures of that city, but none showing people flying off into the air because of some big wind. Plus do they like have a special wind there or something that is bigger or better than anywhere else?

I figure it is a fair question. Because as far as I know wind sort of occurs everywhere so unless this city is the place it starts or something I'm not all that convinced it is a big deal in that regard.

Now if I listen to my buddy Otis, then I would figure that there was more wind in Washington D. C. that any other city. He says all the politicians there are full of hot air. And I reckon that would sure produce some big winds.

Now perhaps for some reason lots of those politicians spend a lot of time visiting that place called the Windy City. That might explain it I suppose.

Or maybe they do something special that results in them having more wind than anywhere else? Can't say for sure.

In either case, I think I'll just stay in the city where I live. After all, I really don't want to move somebody that I might end up having to face you know a risk of flying off into the air for no good reason.

Apparently that doesn't bother the people who live there. I reckon they could you know use weights in their shoes or something to help in some way.

You just never know how some people will figure to cope with those kinds of options. I figure I got enough trouble just having to battle worrying about the mail in my city.

It might not be a concern where you live, but where I live they got this big problem with somebody named occupant. Man this guy must have the ability to sneak into your house and mess with you mail or something while you are gone. I mean I've seen stuff come addressed to current occupant.

That dude sure has some nerve coming by and getting mail delivered to my house. And if I ever catch him you can be sure I'm going to teach him a lesson and he will need a big wind to escape.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK: "They call things on sale a discount, but you never have any dis to count. Is that false advertising?"

THE BIG APPLE

I tell you people can sure be weird at times. And some of the junk they come up with is truly unbelievable.

I ran into this one dude that wanted to tell me all about his trip to the big apple. I like apples. They are okay for something different. Never thought of them so much in terms of size though. I know some are bigger than others, but I never heard of one so big that you had to go and visit it.

Anyway he decided to show me pictures of his visit to what he called the big apple. I might have appreciated it if I could have seen the apple, big or otherwise.

Only the thing he kept showing me was more about the city of New York. I looked and looked in those pictures and didn't see a stupid apple anywhere.

The only way I can figure it is that this apple was so big that you take a picture of it. Can't imagine why it would be that huge. Maybe they got some kind of special fertilizer for growing it.

What did kind of disappoint me though was despite all his talk about big apples, he didn't even bring home a single slice. I mean if it was that big surely they wouldn't have complained over him taking a little home right?

Apparently it was a big deal or something since he never produced a single bite of apple for me to even enjoy. All he kept doing was going on and on about those things called skyscrapers.

Which is another weird thing too me. I've seen scrapers before like you use to clean frost off of a car windshield, but none of those building had one on top. Plus who needs to scrap the sky anyway?

Unless I reckon the pollution is so bad you can be up that tall without scraping it away. In that case you would figure you just build those buildings not so tall.

Meanwhile, while he seem impressed with the Big Apple, I wasn't. It was hard to get excited since he never did even explain why it was so big or even what it tasted like.

I don't imagine I'll have to worry about talking to him for a while though. After we chatted and I started asking questions he suddenly had to leave to meet someone. He had given me his phone number, but I guess he forgot to pay the bill since it was disconnected by the time I called it.

Well perhaps I'll run into him another time. Maybe by then he will actually manage to get a few real pictures of apples instead of those buildings. I hope so. It would be kind of fun to see that apple just to know he wasn't making that part up. People are wierd about that sort of thing at times.

DO OVERS VERSES TURNOVERS

As overs go I'll take a turnover instead of a do over any day of the week. Do overs are those things you got to do where you have to do something a second time because you didn't do it right the first time. Those are hardly fun let me tell you.

I mainly get stuck with these at STINK. And most of the time by our boss, Dr. Hemoglobin.

For some silly reason he think if we didn't do our job the way he wanted the first time he sent us on assignment we need to do it over. I mean shoot man, we might have done it right the first time if he had been a little clearer on what he wanted us to do.

When he said us out to catch the bad guys that is what we are going to do. But no where in telling us does he say a single thing about making sure they are guilty first. Man talk about being picky!

As for me, I don't like taking any chances. I believe in that saying that a man is considered in-a-dent till proven he is spilt a pee. Which I take it to mean that you start out assuming he dented if he looks like he was doing something wrong and then later you prove he took a leak on something made it look like he spilt something on it. I don't intend to fall for that crap, literally or otherwise.

You would think Dr. Hemoglobin would be able to appreciate us following saying so well. But he goes on about something called the bill of rights. There he goes again getting around to money. Honestly, it is bad enough trying to figure out who is the bad guy, I sure don't want to have to pay to find out if they are the right ones.

In any case I do cope with those kinds of do overs while all the time thinking about the good ones. I'm talking about the cherry and apple kind. Now those types of turnovers are really cool.

Unless you are involved with football for some reason. I watched this game once and they were always talking about turnovers. But you know, I never saw them eat a single one.

I figured that they probably kept them hidden in their uniforms or something. And it was because they were hiding them that somebody would drop the ball. You would think that the dude would be smart enough to have eating the darn turnover first before trying to play catch with that ball.

Then they have those moments when they huddle together in some small group out in the middle of that grass. It is generally right after somebody comes running in from off the side somewhere.

Now the way I figure that is probably when the guy coming in is bringing more turnovers and for some reason they don't want us to see them. I got no idea why. I mean it ain't like we expect them to share or anything. Guess they got their reasons or maybe those helmets they wear are just too tight.

TRIALS AND TESTS

Okay, from my view neither of these is necessarily a good thing. A trial is well sort of one of those things you can do that can really ruin your day, but you don't end up with any grade, passing or not. It is more a thing of surviving I reckon.

A test on the other hand is something that has a bunch of questions and you either do okay or thing end up thinking you are an idiot. And lots of time you get some stupid grade that says your smart or a moron.

Plus the big problem for me are those test where they give you multiple choice options for the answer. I think the person that invented those is just a plain mean person.

I mean I took this test once and I picked out all the right answers as far as I could tell. But the teacher claimed I didn't get a single one right. Okay, it might have been nice if he had explained that when you choose A, B, C, D or E that you have to choose from the ones right after the question. He never once mentioned that. So when I saw a C that looked like it was the perfect answer to question number 5, even though the C belonged to question 2, I didn't seem to think it was a problem. I did draw lines and all so as to cut down on the confusion, but he stupid teacher still did cut me any slack.

Then the next week he gave us another of those multiple answer tests. So this time I thought I got the hang of it. Only none of the answers I saw seem to fit the questions so I added an F to the group and wrote in my own answer. He never said I couldn't do that either. Man was that guy a jerk or what?

Anyway, I was sure glad when I stopped having to mess with that dude. And I have a feeling he was happy to get rid of me since after the first couple of tests he just sort of told me that there wasn't any point in him grading them any longer. It was nice to know he knew I was so smart that he wasn't going to waste time grading them. Plus it was also nice to know that after I was in his class I heard he decided to give up teaching. Well seeing how he was so lousy at giving tests I wasn't surprised.

Meanwhile, getting back to the trial thing. I know they have those court trials and I'm glad I don't have to mess with those too often. On the rare occasion the police decided I did something that needed a trial the lawyer I had felt for some reason it would be a good idea if I didn't say anything in court. Guess that is a good thing.

One thing that does concern me though is the idea of what are called time trials. I mean I didn't even know time could break a law. And I wonder what happens to time if it is convicted of something bad? It ain't like you can lock it up or anything. That sure wouldn't do the rest of us much help I reckon.

But I guess there police have some way of figuring it out. Maybe they just give time probation or something along those lines. It is probably for the best. After all time does control the future so no sense pissing it off if we don't have to. I don't think any of us wants to have tomorrow come around and find out it is still today.

TAKE ME TO YOUR SOCKS

Oh yeah, this is like a major important deal in some cases. Socks are one of those things that just sort of are important, but we just don't think about them too much.

I mean you can get buy without wearing socks I suppose. Providing you don't mind being thought of as weird. That is unless say you are trying to wear socks with sandals. I always thought that was extra strange. I mean the whole idea I figured of sandals was so you didn't have to wear any socks. But I guess no everyone looks at it that way.

So I figure because that is a problem maybe I ought to spend a little time be sure I point out some of the good and bad ideas when it comes to wearing socks. And for starters let me say I think the biggest and most important thing is being darn sure you know what color you are suppose to wear.

For example the only decent color you should wear with sneakers is white. I'm not sure, but I think it might be a law. And if you see somebody who is say wearing red or yellow socks with some sneakers you know the dude is definitely strange. I wouldn't spend too much time with a guy like that.

Now the other deal to me is when you have to wear say brown or black shoes. You know like say with a suit. Which to me is not my favorite thing to do in any case.

But my rule is that you wear the right color with the right shoe. Black shoes should have black socks and brown shoes need brown socks. Seems like the right choice.

As I said for myself the one thing that ain't cool is wearing socks with sandals, especially like black socks. Well let's keep things clear here, you shouldn't need to wear socks without any shoes either.

That is really weird to me if you see somebody walking down the street with socks on, but no shoes. Makes you wonder if they like forgot them somehow. Although I can't for the life of me figure what kind of crazy person would forget to put on his shoes after putting on his socks. How do you do that and not know it.

Well it think that pretty much covers the important parts. There are other things that come up though. Like if a person is wearing cowboy boots. Nobody will see your socks, but you still should put them on and boot wearing just ain't boot wearing unless they are white socks in my book.

Beyond that you go the issue of wearing say rain boots or goulashes. A person not be able to see what you are wearing under them, but you will know just like with boots.

Anyway the only thing I guess I didn't cover was the part about say wearing socks in the first place that much. So in case I didn't cover it good enough, be sure you do it. Trust me, you sure will be in big trouble if you get in an accident and they find out you didn't wear socks anymore than underwear. I mean the doctor might get upset and let me tell you if you have a broken butt you don't want to piss him off so he doesn't fix it.

RINSES, BLINTZES AND EXPENSES

As a grimefighter I'm use to seeing lots of stuff that needs a good rinses. There are just too many dang ways for things to get dirty. And there are always so many cases where the only solution is washing them.

Food though is normally not something you wash much, unless you are talking vegetables for some reason. Why you want to eat something that was in the ground, I'm not really sure, but some people think it is a good idea.

Anyway, that is what I like about eating smart, which is what I think of it in terms of making sure I don't eat stuff that you have to waste time clean for some reason. Blintzes are among those non-wash foods. And since it rhymes with rinse that makes it something easy for me to remember that I don't have to worry about if and when I'm fixing food and don't have to spend time washing stuff too.

See that is part of my eating philosophy. The way I see it the less time you got to spend talking about stuff when it comes to food the more time you have to spend on the actual eating part and that is a good deal from my point of view.

Which to me is a big savings in terms of time expenses. Yeah, I think of time as something that has a cost. I mean they are always talking about saving time. And since you save money I figure to save time you need to also figure it like you would money.

Only problem is that I never actually get to deposit any time I save in a bank or anything. That seems kind of unfair in that sense.

But I manage to comfort myself for such unfairness by making sure that I eat plenty of stuff like blintzes so I feel better that I have saved something. Which since I didn't have to rinse anything turns out to be a nice cool option if you ask me.

Well I reckon that not everyone would see it that way I imagine. Some people can be so funny on that subject I imagine.

That is okay I suppose. After all people are different and I'm sure thinking too hard on the stuff like rinsing and blintzes can just exhaust some people and none of us needs that do we?

As for me, well I'm still going to hang in there with my options on this deal. I feel like I like the blintz, rinse and expense thing and don't want to change it.

Others can do what they want. Providing they aren't going to bug me with some silliness in terms of me having to wash what they have to eat like something out of the ground.

I sure hope that stays simple though. I wouldn't want to mess it up with more complications. There are too many of those in life already. So who needs any more if you have to mess with simple success and no rinsing too.

FEE, FI, FOE, FUM

I heard this was a big deal for giants to say. It has something to do with smelling. Because the rest of what this one giant who said this added was I smell the mud of an English bun.

Now, I've never been to that place called England so I suppose if making buns our of mud is a big deal for them that's find with me. Just as long as they don't make me eat any of them.

The way I figure it that is probably what pissed the giant off. He saw a bun sitting there and picked it up for a snack before finding out it was made of mud.

I tell you I'd probably be saying fee, fi, fo, fum too if I put a bun in my mouth thinking it was made out of bread and it turned out to be made out of mud. You would think thcy could at least have the decency to have put a warning label on the darn package!

Well, the other complication to this whole deal is some dude names Jack. He spent all his time apparently working with bean chalk. I never even know you had to use beans to make chalk. I'm not personally sure I want to know how he managed it, but from the best I can gather he succeeded in pissing off that giant by doing something weird with that bean chalk.

Now I've heard of bean paste. I tried it once for glue something and all it did was make a big mess. So if that bean chalk is anything like bean paste I know it would be pretty crummy to use as a form of glue.

But perhaps that Jack dude didn't bother to care enough to warn that giant about not suing if for glue. I mean man let me tell you that sure would be such a terrible thing to forget something if you ask me.

Anyway the one thing I know is that if you end up with that being a problem in some manner the last thing you would want to do is piss off some giant in the process. But I guess nobody explained it to the Jack fella.

Oh well in the end as best as I can figure old Jack made out okay with his bean chalk. Somebody thought it was good enough to write a story about him messing with that giant.

And I guess he was pretty darn good with that bean chalk because from the best I can tell that giant ended up getting his butt whipped in the end. So maybe that bean chalk is a lot more powerful stuff than I might have imagined.

That doesn't mean much to me though. I'm still happy not worrying about any kind beans, whether they smell or now.

And I also know I have no plans on going somewhere that they mess with something like making buns out of mud. I think I'll leave that for the English dudes to handle.

BUG BOMBS

Okay who is the wise guy that decided insects need bombs? Don't we have enough problems in the world without arming cockroaches with something that goes boom?

I have to admit that the first time I heard about this it really pissed me off. I mean man of all the things a person could come up with, why in the world would you want to waste you time on that kind of insanity.'

Plus what in the world are bugs going to do with bombs anyway? Nothing good I imagine.

I also want to know how the heck did the dude get any money for selling some bug a bomb in the first place. You got to wonder. At least I do.

So now that I know there might be some real dangerous bugs out there who could blow up stuff I wonder what is next? Is the same nut going sell bazookas to squirrels, or machine guns to like bunny rabbits?

Seems like far question. After all I sure don't want to be walking down the street some time and have a bunch of bunny rabbits whip out some machine gun and point it at me. That would be totally uncool if you ask me.

I would have thought they would have been happy just getting a few extra carrots. I got no idea what a bug would enjoy having. I sure never thought it would be a bomb.

However, I will admit that somebody else is probably a whole lot more informed on this subject than I am. Which is okay since bugs are exactly my favorite subject.

It is kind of hard to imagine how anybody thinks letting bugs blow up junk would be a good thing. I know there are some crazy people in the world, but I never would have expected some of them to actually want a bug, any bug as a pal. That just is so dang freaky sounding to me.

I've heard it said it takes all kinds to make the world go round. I wonder if that held true for when people thought it was flat.

In any case those weird ones that are in the mood to play blow up with bugs can just go play somewhere else. I would rather not know about it myself.

Since these folks don't wear any signs or have an office I don't reckon I will have to worry about running into them any time soon either. Which is probably a good thing.

Because I sure don't want somebody handing me some bomb and say go over and meet this bug name Charlie and give this to him. Yeah, like I want to do that. Anyway, just passing this on for the heck of it since it might help any of you who might be worried about some cockroach with an attitude.

"How come they call them soap operas when they are only scummy things? I guess you couldn't call them scum operas huh?"

SOAP AND OPERAS

How come they call those things on television soap operas when they are never about soap and there is never any singing? Seems like a fair question too me.

I have tried to watch them things, but I never hear them mention any particular kind of soap that they think is important. In fact it is kind of tough to even figure out what kind of cool stuff they are suppose to be selling.

As far as I can tell it would be tough for them to honestly sell much anyway given how the people on those shows just really have so many problems. My goodness it is amazing one person could have that many problems.

Still, they always look clean and stuff so I reckon they do use some kind of good soap. Only whatever it is, they never take the time to tell anyone else.

Plus another thing that confuses me is when I've seen those opera people that always seem like really big types of singers. Yet in those soap operas they are generally younger and ordinary size.

All I can think is that it is the soap that does it too them. Now if soap can make you shrink you would figure they would spend more time telling people about it instead of talking about operations all the time.

At least with the soap opera things they do talk in English instead of whatever language they are using when they are singing in those operas. So maybe being clean with soap only works when you speak English too. Boy is that weird or what?

About the only good thing I can really say is that with those soap opera things you do get to watch them on the television. That is a lot better and easier than having to go some place where you got to dress up in one of those tuxedo things. If I wanted to be a penguin it sure wouldn't be so I could go and sit in some place and listen to somebody singing words I can't understand that's for sure.

But it seems to work for some people. And that is okay I reckon providing you are okay with the choice of sitting around in some place in scratching clothes while some big dude or late sing something I don't understand or sitting at home watching them talk about soap without mentioning soap.

As for me, well I would rather stick with movies. They are always fun when they are about people getting blown up and all.

Can't recall them talking about soap very much though. Guess when you blow things up there isn't much of a point of talking about soap. Kind of defeats the purpose to worry about cleaning stuff up when you want to spend the time making a mess. At least I understand the bad guys getting wiped out in movies. With those other things I'm never sure who is the bad guy.

DIET DRINKS

Okay, my first question with this is why in the world would a stupid drink of any kind need to go on a diet? It just don't make any sense.

As far as I can tell all drinks come in those same size cans. So where are all the fat ones that need to go on a diet? And if they are that fat then shoot I wonder what they taste like? I got to wonder.

Plus I really get confused when you know I look over on the shelf in the store and as far as I can tell there ain't no difference between the ones that say diet on them from the others. About the only difference is on the ingredients I guess. The ones on a diet always show they got no calories. Which is probably a good thing since I understand that stuff like calories does count when you are talking about dieting and stuff.

Personally, I never worry about them. I mean I've never seen a single calorie anywhere. So from my view there just ain't any reason to worry about something you can't see.

In fact I wouldn't put it passed those sneaky pop dudes to just make up this whole thing about calories just to cause those one drinks to think they are fat. Yeah, it sure is weird what some people think is cool.

But I'm not all that discouraged from my point of view. I just don't plan on feeling too sorry for those drinks with diet written all over them. Shoot if they are stupid enough to believe for second that there are really reasons for them as drinks in a can to have to diet then I guess that is there problem.

Boy I'm sure glad that isn't a problem with stuff like jelly beans. I've never seen any bag of them have a need to talk about being in need of dieting. In fact most of the time it don't seem to me that they have any type of deal where they say much at all. Guess jelly beans are smarter than diet drinks then.

As for myself, I think I'll just stick with the deal of regular soda pop. It seems to know what it wants and never puts that word diet on its can. I like that it keeps things simple.

One of these days I reckon I'm going to get this all figured out the right way. Maybe not tomorrow though. I'm going shopping for jelly beans and not going to worry about any kind of pop.

So if those diet drinks were wishing I would show up and pay attention to them they can forget it. I'm not going to do it. They'll just have to wait in my opinion.

Meanwhile, I'm going to let myself just think in terms of the good stuff. I'm sure that will make my tummy happy. And I won't even have to explain this whole deal about diets, which I'm sure would just depress it in the first place. That is one thing nobody needs is a depressed tummy. At least I sure don't care to try and have one. Here's hoping the word diet don't depress you tummy either.

TAKING IT GREASY

There are some real strange people out there that are running around saying grease is bad for you. I mean I never eat grease. It is okay for using on wheels I guess, but I never took a big handful and stuffed it in my mouth. The very idea sort of turns my stomach to be honest.

So I'm not sure who they know that does something stupid like that, but it ain't mean. About the only thing I ever do in terms of grease is to eat stuff that had grease in it at one time. Such as say burgers.

Heck, the way I figure all that grease pretty much got cooked away, so it shouldn't be something to worry about when I get around to eating it. And whatever didn't get fried up, shoot it just drips off the burgers and fries anyway, so I still don't end up eating it as far as I'm concerned.

As best as I can figure this whole deal is a problem started by some dude names Cold Lester All. Yeah, I guess being cold and named Lester would surely leave you in a mess in terms of attitude. And with a last name of All it must have been that way for him all the time, the poor dude.

The thing is I guess this guy is really a pain in the ass to deal with since I hear that dealing with him can lead to a person ending up with high blood pressure. That is probably where you are like standing on a chair or something to try and avoid this jerk. Which can be really a pain I imagine.

Now you would think this dude would have enough to worry about in life seeing how he ain't the most popular guy on the planet. However, it don't seem to be enough for him, which is why he apparently runs around doing weird junk to food such as hamburgers.

All I know is that if this guy ever shows up where I'm eating, he ain't touching my food no matter what. That way he can't do anything sneaky either.

Although I guess he does spend a lot of his spare time trying to gum up batteries. I hear that he also causes hardening of the batteries. Why you worry about how hard they are, I have no idea, but it must be a big deal if he's involved.

So there you have it. When you are out and having a good time, just beware of Lester running around. And if you see a dude with batteries who is eyeing your burger then I would surely do my best to avoid him.

I just hope passing on this information helps in some way. I figure there is no reason to let people have their good times ruin if I can help it.

And if we happen to meet at the burger joint sometime we can each take turns guarding our burgers. Yeah, that will teach that jerk, I reckon. Hope to see you there and ready to save the burger if necessary.

PASS THE PLATE, NOT THE ONIONS

I hope that nobody thinks my title means I don't like onions. They are great when they are made as onion rings. And on stuff like burgers they are wonderful too.

But I'm not too keen on having them raw where you eat them by themselves. Which I guess is my choice.

Actually for the most part I don't know anyone that loves to eat raw onions. So from my view there isn't much reason for somebody to put them on a plate to be part of a meal. And especially if you are having something to eat like pancakes.

The other day Otis and I got invited over to Granny Potts for breakfast. She normally is a good cook and kind of treats us as if she is our grandma. So when she asks us to come by for something to eat we never say no.

Well I guess on this particular day she was trying to you know get ahead on fixing dinner so in addition to whipping up a huge batch of pancakes, she was fixing some kind of casserole. And I guess she needed a whole bunch of onions for it.

So there we were having pancakes with all the good stuff and lots of bacon and sausage, not to mention plenty of syrup and butter when she put this big plate of diced onions on the table. Only we weren't quite sure why she had onions out there at the time, but when she insisted we eat up, we didn't want to offend her and so we dumped a heap of onions over our pancakes.

She got busy talking on the phone and I want to tell man, pancakes sure don't taste better when under a heap of onions. And trying to wash them down with milk didn't help either. I guess I was grateful that this time she didn't mess up and give us buttermilk though. That was a blessing.

Anyway we were sitting there and doing our best to not let the taste of all those onions get to us and I guess doing plenty of belching in the process when she finally came back to sit down. By then we had managed to finish off the onions and of course the pancakes too.

That's when she looked at the empty plate of onions and wondered what happen to them since she had cut them up for dinner. That was when Otis and I sort of realized that when she said eat up she didn't mean the onions.

But we didn't want to look like idiots so we just tried to play dumb on the onions. Thank goodness she got busy and then forgot about them till she got more of them out and started dicing them up.

As for Otis and I, well, outside of having way too much gas we did survive. But next time we both know we are going to be a lot more careful about reaching for the onions when at her house and she says eat up.

ZORRO, THE LONE RANGER AND SUPER GLUE

I get a little confused at times on the idea of heroes. I mean how can you honestly try to be like a hero when they are all so different.

This gets a little more complicated when you are talking about super heroes since they are only super because of some super power. My buddy Otis and I are suppose to be super hero grimefighters. We are still having a little trouble getting the hang on of the super power part though. But we are working on it. I just haven't located a scientist yet who can turn jelly beans into something that gives you super powers. I'm sure he's out there somewhere though.

In the meantime with regular hero types things still get a little confusing. For example, you've got Zorro and the Lone Ranger. I mean they both wear masks and ride horses. But Zorro uses a sword and works by himself and the Lone Ranger uses a gun and has a bud.

If I didn't know better it would seem to me that they people who work on making heroes would be trying to tell us that if you use a sword you don't need a bud and if you use a gun you do. That sure seems kind of strange if you ask me.

Now I don't wish to get too picky here since both these guys do fight bad guys and win, but I still have a hard time figuring out how you can be better off without a pistol or two of them. It just doesn't make much sense.

Perhaps that is why Zorro gets to wear that cape. That way he can make it look like he is hiding a gun under it just in case. I can see how that might help.

The other thing I wonder about is how do these two guys get paid? The last I heard nobody was paying lots of money for doing good deeds. I haven't seen any ads in the classifieds either.

Well, I reckon that is one of those things that I'll just have to wait to get the answer like a lot of other stuff. Which brings me to the question of those masks they wear.

They are always running around and fighting and junk. How do you keep that mask from falling off?

I reckon they probably resort to some kind of glue. That is the only solution I can think of. Yeah, I bet they have some super hero, super glue or similar stuff to use.

Since we don't have a super hero store around I can't go in and ask them about where you get some of that glue. But I bet it must sure be a cool type.

I think I'll give a shot with some regular super glue first. But test it out before I try it on myself. Over at STINK our janitor wears glasses, I could put some on his glasses without telling him. And then if they don't fall off I'll know that is how they do it. Then I can give it a shot with a mask perhaps myself.