FIRE HYDRANTS

This is such a rip off. I'm telling you that the person who came up with these things is one sick puppy.

I need some fire the other day to help get the wood in my fireplace to burn. I was fresh out of matches and figured well shoot, I've never tried these fire hydrants before so why not give them a shot.

Boy was that a mistake. There I was taking off the cap and holding a piece of wood, expecting to have some flame shoot out and I ended up getting drenched by water.

What of sick, degenerated mind puts water in a place that is suppose to have fire? If that is some person's idea of practical joke, I'm not personally laughing.

Now I did want to complain about this problem. So I started out by calling up the city to explain how somebody had messed up.

It wouldn't have been so bad, but I kept having problems with my phone connection. Every time I started explaining things I ended up getting disconnected.

I guess that was some kind of problem with their phone lines. Probably the same one that the people at the cable company have when I call there.

Well the good news was finally after about twenty calls I did manage to get somebody to talk long enough without being disconnected to tell me I need to call the fire department. I figured that made sense. After all a place that specializes in being a department having to do with fire would surely be the one place to appreciate how big a problem this was.

Only problem I had was that I kept getting disconnected when I talked to them too. Guess the phones in our town really don't work that good.

Finally, I ended up speaking to some guy called the fire Chief. Now why they needed some head Indian dude to be in charge of the fire department I got no idea, but he sure didn't seem to get the problem.

Anyway, I never did get to talk to anyone who promised to fix those hydrants. Guess they had too many other problems.

The chief dude mentioned he might send somebody by my apartment to fix my wagon. Which seemed really strange since there is nothing wrong with it that I know of.

Perhaps the chief's problem was like those Indians in the movies who they say go crazy after using fire water. Boy I don't think I want any of that from the way the chief was acting.

And if he doesn't send someone over to look at my wagon, maybe they can help me with a fire too. Providing the find one of those hydrants that work right.

SHUT OFF VALVES

Okay what is the big deal with this thing? I mean it hardly seems to me that you should have to need to have a fancy name for something like turning something off when you could just turn it off. But I guess some people think it is important.

Now what I to know is we have all this talk about shut off valves, but do we have any shut on valves? I mean if you aren't going to call it turning off shouldn't you then call it shutting it on? Seems like we need to be a little consistency on this whole deal.

And how come nobody else has already figured that part out? You wouldn't think it would be that tough.

The way I figure this is probably some kind of valve conspiracy. You got all these valve people who want us to believe you can shut things off or shut them on without their stupid valve.

So we need to teach these people a lesson. Only I think the best way to do that would be to figure a way to turn stuff on and off without any valve at all.

I can't imagine that ought to be that difficult to do if we really try. Course we could just boycott any junk that requires a valve in the first place.

That would really show them jerks if you took away their illusion that we can't get by without them. I bet they would really miserable if they found out we weren't going to keep letting them force us into using those stupid valves.

The only question I suppose would be what do we use to replace those valves? Seem like we just need something you can use that turns stuff on and off just as easy.

Maybe like say a remote control? That works really good on televisions. So maybe they could figure a way to you know fix them so you could use them on other junk.

But then I reckon somebody might complain about having to use batteries. Well, then we have to come up with something even better.

Oh I got it. We could just forget the whole thing. Yeah, we will go on and avoid even touching stuff with shut off valves.

Hmmm, I wonder how long we could go without water? I can't imagine it would be that hard though.

I reckon we could sure stuff like pop for taking baths. Yeah, the clear kind would be a good choice don't you think?

Well, I'll go to the store and see how much it would cost to use pop for baths instead of water. I bet those shut off valve people will be impressed huh?

EXTRA, EXTRA, READ ALL ABOUT IT

Now what confuses me about this is the extra part. I mean if you are going to read ALL about it then what could be extra? Just doesn't fit together in my opinion.

Perhaps if they said something like ALL, ALL, I might go for that. Only I don't see where that is much different that the about thing.

And then I got to wonder on this whole idea of all anyway. It sure seems questionable to me that they know all about anything.

Because if they do that tells me they got access to what heck of computer. Shoot I can't even imagine having a computer that had all about anything in it.

I'm lucky if our computer even tells me part of the junk. That is when it is working right. Sometimes it just seems to get tired and then you can't get anything out of it.

Plus it must be extra accident prone and I don't even know how. My buddy Otis says sometimes it crashes. Which seems really weird since it never moves.

Or at least it doesn't when I'm watching it. That just seems like maybe my buddy Otis has some kind of secret stuff he does with it that I never get to do.

You know like all those computer games he says it has. Personally, I've seen all kinds of board games like checkers and chess, but I can't figure how to get them to find into that computer.

I did try once to take a Monopoly board and stuff it in the thing called a disk drive, but it just wouldn't fit. And even using a hammer didn't help.

Anyway, I leave that part to Otis. As for me, well I'm just happy when it behaves itself and doesn't get strange on me.

As for this extra thing, well I reckon it is okay. And maybe somebody it will make more sense.

Meanwhile I'm going to head over to this one car dealership. I say them advertising on television about having cars with lots of extras.

I figure if they have all the extras on cars then perhaps they got the all on other stuff too. Perhaps they hide them in the trunk?

You never know, considering what else they put in trunk. Like hiding some guy named Jack in there. I don't know, I've looked in lots of trunks and never seen any dude staying there. Guess he was out changing tires like Otis says Jack normally does. Only Otis has never said what he changes the tires into. That is hard to say. And I'm not sure I want to know considering we are talking about some dude that lives in a car trunk.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK: "If you split a banana you put ice cream on top and hot fudge. What do you do when they split an atom? And can you eat it too?"

WHEN THE COWS COME HOME

Alright, where do cows go that they got to come home. I didn't even know they ever left the farm. Apparently it does happen.

And it must be a pretty big deal seeing how there are times when you just have to wait for those stupid cows to quite running around before some other cool stuff can happen. Boy them darn cows can be so selfish I guess.

I don't even know how they get around. It ain't like they could do much driving of a car. Oh, I've heard of a cattle truck. So perhaps there is some place they get to rent one for special occasions.

I wonder if they have to have a regular driver's license or what? And do you reckon they know how to read signs?

Shoot, I hear the color red sort of makes them go a little whacky. So I kind of wonder too if they don't get funny in the head when they see a red light?

That might account for why they have trouble getting home at a decent time. And if they go whacky it might also account for that business about a cow jumping over the moon.

Gosh, you can bet they don't make it home at decent time if they are out trying to leap over some moon. I don't think I want to find out about that part in person.

I mean heck, I wouldn't want to b standing there watching some stupid cow try to leap over the moon and then suddenly poop all over me. That is not my idea of having a good time.

I'll just leave that part to those other people who are worried about the cows coming home. I'm sure there are a lot of them out there.

At least you would think from how some people mention this saying. Well, that's cool though I guess. They can wait till for the cows all they want.

As for me, shoot, I think I'll just spend my time waiting for more important stuff. Like right now I'm waiting to hear from some of those Hollywood movie producer types about my idea for a movie.

I think having a super hero who happens to save the world from being wiped out as a result of some terrible disease that makes all jelly beans cause you to fart would be a great movie. And I'm sure it is just a matter of time till they contact me.

I hope it is soon though. I mean I would have thought after two years the mail would have gotten here by now. Looks like I have to do a lot of waiting just like those waiting for the cows to come home. Only in my case I'm not going to be listening for any moo. Just the sound the postman makes when he delivers those rocks I keep ordering.

DOWN IN THE VALLEY

Okay, so what's the big deal here? Well it must be a big deal if they took the time to write a song about it. Honestly, I just got to wonder what you expect from a valley that for it to be low.

But for the dude who was singing that song it sure was important. What, don't they make any ladders where the guy lives? He can't like say go into a building with more than one story and then take the elevator so he could say he was not in the valley so low?

Sounds like the kind of dude who just loves to complain. Like that needs to be put in a song?

I mean come on, it is like somebody making a song about willingly breaking your own leg. Would you care to hear some whiners pissing and moaning about suffering when it was his own darn fault? I think not.

So how come this dude with the down in they valley thing gets away it. Will somebody please buy this clown a bus ticket to the mountains? Jeez, how tough would that be.

Shoot I might even chip in if it meant I didn't have to hear that dude complaining about being down in the valley again. Unless he's like going to tell us that down in the valley is really cool.

But I sure don't think it sounded like he was having a great time. That wasn't laughing I heard him groaning in that song.

Makes me really wonder at times what people have for a crazy idea of fun. You do have to wonder. At least I do.

The people who get jazzed by that kind of depressing stuff probably are real comedians at heart. Oh yeah, I can see them now.

They are the ones whose idea of fun is going to a funeral. That would be the kind of thing I would expect from the pity me bunch.

Oh well, maybe one of these days I'll get a chance to talk to these folks in person. Then I can like mention how they need to lighten up a bit on the down stuff.

Well, at least that seems like a good idea to me. I'm sure the real problem is that they just don't know where to go for a good time when down in that valley.

I could fix that problem. I'm sure that wherever that valley is there is bound to be a mall or shopping center of some kind. And that means somebody probably would be selling something good. Like, say, jelly beans. Then I could show them how it is hard to frown and complain much when you got a mouth full of jelly beans. And I'd be willing to eat as many as it took in order for them to know that too.

TELL IT TO THE MARINES

Yeah, you do that. Not sure how far it will really get you, but you can try. Only the people who made up this saying never seem to get around to explaining why the Marines would be all that nosy? Funny, but I just never associate gossip with guards who are trained to kill people. I don't know, they jus don't seem to go together if you ask me.

I just have trouble you know with the idea of a bunch of Marines invading somewhere and then stopping to grab the enemy and ask, "Hear any good gossip lately?" Course that would be before they shot the person full of holes or whatever else the Marines would do with their enemies.

I just can't imagine them sitting around having a cup of coffee or tea and some cookies and chatting with whoever. That kind of sounds a little unlikely to me.

Which makes me wonder why they want you to tell it to the Marines. I'm sure they have their reasons. Maybe they get bored running around and blowing things up and need a laugh or two.

But you know I would be kind of concern if that was the case. I mean what if you told them a joke and they didn't think it was funny? I don't think I would want one of them responding by shoving a hand grenade up my nose and pulling the pin.

You just can't say what a guy who messes around with machine guns and bombs would think is funny. I'm not all that sure I'm ready to find out.

I suppose I could call up one of the Marine places and ask. That is provided they were out drilling or killing or whatever they do when not invading junk.

But then it would be my luck I would get some guy on the phone with no sense of humor and got pissed off by my even asking. Personally, I would not care to be run over by a tank or something. That kind of thing would sort of ruin my beanie.

So I reckon the safest thing for me to do is just kind of not try to ask them the question. Or maybe I'll get somebody else to ask.

Yeah, that is it. I'll ask old Colonel Stickemstill to see if he can tell me what the big deal is. Only problem with him is that he thinks everything is a communist plot to take over the world. Somehow I never quite got him to not tell me that whatever the question it means you need to drop bombs.

But perhaps I can ask him without really asking him. Like start a conversation about the weather and slowly move on to wondering why Marines need to be told whatever.

Hopefully, he would suggest that we blow something up with a bomb. Right now, I'm fresh out of them to be honest. And since it isn't even close to the Fourth of July, I will have to wait a while before I get to buy anything that explodes.

WHEN

Well, I feel pretty darn proud of myself for having spent the time to discuss the importance of IT and THAT. Now I come to the issue of when.

You know you can spend all day talking about the ITS and THATS, but knowing WHEN is just as important. After all, you can be sure to watch out for a IT or THAT adequately if you don't know when to watch out for them.

It is all pretty dang important in my book. That is the one where you know you sit back and have a list of ways to protect your butt so you don't end up in big trouble. I kind of think of it as a survival guide. Because let me tell you, man you know if you have something happen to your rear end and it falls off that will definitely ruin your day, so it is helpful to avoid that problem if you can.

That is where the when part really counts. And what do is take time to list all the it and that situations into what are called time frames.

Those are the frames or boxes that clocks come in that you aren't sure what to do with once it is empty. So since they don't have any time any longer you can fill them up with whatever. I prefer to try and fill them up with these lists for its and thats in a way that really helps.

The big problem is that I keep forgetting to tell Otis that those boxes are more than just empty clock boxes. Because he keeps throwing them away.

And it is a good thing that I at least can remember what I put on the list that got tossed so I can add it to the new list I have created to replace the one that got thrown away. That can be such a hassle, but I've managed to work around it.

Although I got to admit that it is kind of a pain you know to have those dang things all figured out in the when department and then can't remember where you put your stupid list. I guess I need to figure out a good when to go with the when list that tells me when to look for my when list.

But I suppose that would require me to also find a when place to put the when reminder to tell me when to check my when list. Er, I'm not sure I got enough boxes to work all of that at the moment.

I might have to wait till I can find some more clock boxes. I suppose I could break some of our current clocks so I would have a reason to buy more clocks. Darn that means another when list.

And then I got to figure out when I write up that when list. That can be kind of difficult to sort out in a way I suppose.

Oh well, I bet I can figure it out in due time. If not then I suppose I'll know if my when was the wrong when time or something like that.

THAT

I feel pretty darn good that I just tackled the dreaded issue of it. Now I'm going to take on that. Whew! I'm exhausted already from just thinking about it, er, I mean that.

Now one thing I do know is that when you say that it normally means it is something you are wanting somebody to look at. Only it generally has to be something really weird, strange or different than something normal. As it look at that and you can fill the part that comes next with lots of stuff like a flying cow or big, bad monster or just about anything else that isn't just a normal thing.

See if it is normal you always add like a name to the thing. Like look at that car or whatever. If you just say look at that it seems like you are talking about something you don't think is normal.

True, other than normal isn't always a bad thing. Why shoot there are some that say I'm other than normal. And it hasn't hurt me any. Course the folks that say that don't generally come and visit me to often. And they sure seem to have a need to change their phone numbers an awful lot. Plus they keep forgetting to give me the new one when they do change it. Personally if you ask me, I think that isn't the normal thing to do.

Getting back to this whole that thing, I do feel it is important to keep such things clear and what not. Mainly so people don't confuse when you ought to say that and when you ought to mention the THE part or name of the thing afterwards.

The reason this is important is because if you screw it up it could cause big problems. So for the sake of those that need it explained let me spell it out for you.

Now the first rule is that if the thing is a big, ugly monster you call it a that. By the time you were to say big, ugly you could end up being eaten so that is a good idea.

People are not normally something to be called that. Well, unless you are talking about Mr. Mammongrabber's enforcer, Bugly Ugly Savage. Now he is definitely a that. And believe me if you don't remember that you could end up being bent like a pretzel. So that would be better than ever LOOK OUT. That takes too long.

I suppose I could spend all day trying to explain all the times when you should say just that instead of the. However, to keep it smart and simple if something is going to eat your face or somebody's face it is definitely a that.

And it would be thoughtful to be sure you like tell the person before the alien that does eat their face too. Telling them afterwards just doesn't as a rule make them very grateful.

Well, I hope this explanation helped all those out there who might have been wondering when saying that was a good idea. And if I save one person from having their face eaten by an alien that then it will be worth it. If, on the other hand, I'm too late to help somebody else, then let me know, I have a few suggestions and cool places to buy masks.

IT

I hope you are paying intention. Because reading this might save your life. Well, that's what I've heard when reading some junk. Which always has to do with IT.

Only the it seems to change from time to time. That really bugs me since you know I think IT ought to be well, IT. An it is one thing, not a bazillion.

But that isn't the way it works. Nope, it is always more than one thing. And that really bugs me.

Because you know it is. It is the thing they have in movies that comes from space and plans on taking over the world. That always happens after it, whatever that it is, ends up eating a bunch of army dudes, messing around with some women and then maybe says it comes in peace.

Or it is that darn and dreaded thing you are suppose to fear that they talk about in the news. Now it would be cool if the it was only one thing.

However, it can have so darn many different shapes and sizes. That is disgusting. Which is something I wish they would fix.

I mean shoot, worrying is a lot of work. I want to keep my panic simple not complicated. Having too many ITS to worry about is just plain exhausting.

So I hope some of these people who come up with these ITS will cut us some slack and sort of simplify the process. I would really appreciate it.

Then if they really want to make like easier perhaps they could like downgrade or whatever you do to an IT to make it like say a THE. The's seem to be less of a threat because you know there is always more than one the.

I'm not sure though that the people in charge of IT naming are going to be willing to help out. After all those are also the people they call the THEY. And we all know that such crummy people are always out thinking up plots to steal your cookies and poke around your underwear drawer. Yeah, they are the really sneaky dudes you can't really trust.

That is why I guess they are the they. Because otherwise they might be more inclined to be pals and act less crappy.

Anyway, I'm going to see if I can find the they types and see if they will rewrite some of these its. You know so we can all stop having so many things to worry about.

Then too I suppose I ought to worry about what if in telling them I end up getting them all jazzed to invent more ITS? See, I haven't even talked to them yet and I already am getting zap by their they force. Say that force thing in a movie once. Weird dude who ran around a lot in a black cape with a stupid looking black trash can on his head. Oh well, if he is part of the they, I'll just send him an email.

LITTLE BO PEEP

What kind of sick world do we live in when they make up stories about some girl names Little Bo Peep? Okay, maybe she was one of those cute kids that adults go ga-ga over who act all wonderful and make you want to puke from them being so darn good.

Does that mean she merits having some story written about her? I don't think so. Just think about this. Here she was in charge of a bunch of sheep. God knows what clown put her in charge of them?

But then she lost them. What kind of deal is that? I don't think I wouldn't be bragging about losing any stupid sheep and not knowing where to find them.

And then out of the blue they just show up? What gives with that? I smell a rat myself. What if this gal hid them away just to make them show up on cue so she could hog some glory for herself? That sounds pretty disgusting myself. Just some gal who messes with a bunch of sheep who is a publicity hog. Is that a good thing?

I don't think so. But nobody seems to have bothered to figure this out. They still put this in one of those nursery rhymes.

You know we got a nursery not that far from where I live. I've visited it. They got lots of plants and green stuff, but nobody working there went around rhyming all the time. And they sure didn't have any sheep either.

Makes me wonder were this nursery is that has some bunch of weirdoes working there that think rhyming about junk is a big deal. Yeah, these are probably also the ones who probably take long lunch hours and do as little work as possible.

So there was of making up for this is to talk about this nursery tales, including this Little Bo Peep character. The nerve of those jerks.

Well, I don't know about you, but if I ever find some nursery where the help lugs around plants and is always telling weird rhyming stories about sheep, I'm going to show them what they can do with their stories. Oh yeah, I'd teach them dudes a lesson.

But with my luck they would end up making up some stupid nursery rhymes about me. Hmmm, I wonder what rhymes with Smog Boy. It sure ain't going to be sheep, you can count on that.

And the one thing those guys better understand is that if they start spreading stupid nursery stories about me I'll rhyme the words bash and smash with my bat against their head. Hopefully, I won't have to get that serious about it.

Perhaps I can get them to just stick to talking about plants. Guess they can work out rhyming plants somehow. It can't be any worse than them mentioning sheep when they don't even sell them.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK: "Somebody asked the question about if there is life after death? I think the more important question would be if there are bathrooms after death. Because you might as well be dead if you got no place to pee."

WHERE HAVE ALL THE FLOURS GONE?

Somebody made a whole song about this thing. What is the big deal? How hard is it to answer that very question? After all where would flour go? All you got to do is ask the bakers.

So the way I figure if these guy who was singing this song would have just shut up and asked somebody he wouldn't have had to make such a silly song. You really got to wonder about some people.

Now I know there are all kinds of flowers. There is the kind for white bread and then also for brown bread. Why they call that hole wheat I'm not sure. Guess the white part fell through the hole and just left the brown part or something.

What I really want to know is how they make the one kind of flour that when they bake it comes out already sliced. Now that is some trick if you ask me. I mean it is so cool to see how incredibly neatly it gets sliced while baking so when you pick up that loaf it is just perfect for sandwiches, which is really cool.

Boy the dude that figured that out must be some kind of genius. Oh yeah, a real incredibly smart dude.

The way I figure it the baking thing must involve distilled water. That is the kind that stays still and doesn't move around. Not sure how you get water to not move, but it is amazing what they can do with machines these days.

Anyway that really is amazing the way it is all sliced so wonderfully. Oh and I suppose we have to mention when I guess the flour don't work quite right.

I guess it kinds of gets confused in the baking and gets all crooked and comes out as a pretzel. Maybe that is the type of flour the guy was wondering where it went in that song since it is hard to see it when the bread ends up all bent.

I reckon for myself though, I'm just happy when it turns into bread. You know I wonder if they could use some of that sliced flour kind into things like cakes and brownies. It sure would make them easier to eat if they were already sliced huh?

Gee, I wonder if by chance that stuff called yeast makes any difference? That probably is something that you get while yawning and thinking about the east. Well not sure how that affects the flour though.

I suppose sometimes I'll have to visit a bakery and asked them directly. Do you reckon they would tell me?

Perhaps if I dressed like a baker. Gosh, I ain't got no clothes that are all white. Perhaps I just need to you know dump a bunch of flour on me. Then I bet I would fit right it. Worth a try I suppose.

GIVE US THIS DAY

I think this is kind of important. If nobody was passing out time we could be in trouble if they started charging. That would be awful if you were sitting there and ran out of change to feed in some slot or your day wouldn't come tomorrow.

Which would be even worse when you think of that saying about give us this day our daily bread. That sort of implies to me we are supposed to eat bread every day. And perhaps that whoever is handing out the days is also supposed to be in charge of passing out the bread.

Haven't met this person, but I got to admit I'm not completely impressed with the program. I got lots of days I don't end up with any bread.

Oh I get donuts, brownies, turnovers, cakes, cookies and pies, but no bread to speak of. Well, I guess it could be worse. What if I was to get the bread and not the day? Ah, now that would really be the pits.

I mean where would you eat it if you didn't have a day? Man that would be hard to figure for sure.

But so far I can say that I have never been given bread without a day. At least up till now. I reckon if somebody was going to change things, they might let us know.

You hope they would. Otherwise you could wake up and it would be other than a day and all you would have is some bread. At least I guess you would know it was bread. That might be hard to say if there was no day.

Gee, I wonder how come you only get given a day. They never mention nights as something you supposed to be given. You think that falls under a different department than the person passing out the days?

I sure hope they don't ever get into an argument or something. That could be terrible. Heck you could end up with having been given a day with bread and then no night. Then where would we be?

Speaking of the night thing, I wonder if you are suppose to get something for night's too? Um, maybe it is a kind of thing you prefer to eat just at nights. Or something that is sort of like bread only you don't need to see it in order to know it is whatever it is .

I hope we're talking about pizza. That would be great. I wonder if there is a place you sign up for the giving us our nightly pizza thing? I also wonder if we're talking delivery or take out and combination or just cheese pizzas?

Well whenever I find out I'll be sure I pass it on. But you better plan on getting your own napkins in either case. No sense pushing out luck by expecting too much other than the food.

ONWARDS AND SIDEWAYS

Some knucklehead said this was supposed to be about onwards and upwards. Personally, I think that is silly. To me that suggest that going ahead means you are going to fly off into space. Is this a big problem I've never heard of before? I don't think so.

That is why I think it should be onwards and sideways. Because that way if you are face with some detour, no problem.

Why do some people always seem to want to complicate the stupid? At least it seems that way too me.

As far as I'm concerned there are just too many people out there coming up with weird and whacko sayings if you ask me. It makes me wonder if there is some kind of like school out there where they teach you to say dumb things.

If I listen to my buddy Otis it is the same school where politicians, lawyers and news reporters go to learn what they know. That doesn't make it very impressive to me.

I suppose most people wouldn't appreciate my buddy's suggestion for how to fix that problem either. That's because I don't think we got enough rocket ships to send all those folks to the moon on a one way trip.

So I reckon we just need another solution. One that might really work. I've got a few ideas I think my be of help.

For starters we could like make sure if people said dumb sayings we did something to teach them that was a bad thing so they wouldn't do it again. Only I don't imagine people would like my solution to that one. I still think stapling their tongues to the all would cut down on the problem of them doing it more than once, but I reckon it isn't an idea whose time has come. I'll have to check the calendar and see what day it might be okay.

Well since they won't let me choose that option then my next idea is a little easier. You just stuff the person's head in a trash can. That would probably get the idea across that they should wise up on this sayings thing.

You know it really bugs me when I come up with all these cool ideas and nobody seems to appreciate them. It can be really discouraging at times.

But I don't give up. I mean sometimes like somebody said the best made glands of rice and spend. Um, something like that. Or maybe it had to do with cheese and men or something along those lines. Anyway, that just goes to show why we need to fix this problem right away. There is no point letting anyone's glands, no matter how much cheese they eat become thought of as the best whatever. Looks like I got to find the moron who said that saying and find a trash can too. Guess the work of fixing slogans is never done. Now all I got to do is find the people saying this junk and make sure they stop being so dang much of a pain.

SYRUP SILLY

Oh man syrup can be such a great thing. It is wonderful on things like pancakes, waffles and even on eggs if you are daring.

But you got to be realistic on this subject. You start getting silly with syrup and put it on too many foods and you can have problems.

Like for example syrup doesn't work very well on say cake. Oh I guess you can give it a shot, but personally it doesn't work for me.

You know say if you have a nice big slice from a seven layer cake it just might not improve the taste. Here you got this say chocolate fudge flavored cake with double fudge chocolate frosting and then you put on about a gallon of Rocky Road Ice Cream plus topped it off by pouring fudge sauce on it, well syrup just doesn't help that much.

Plus if you say happen to want to help out the cake and ice cream thing with something like a gallon of root beer, seven to twelve dozen brownies, a couple extra large combination pizzas, six burgers and a bucket of fries, then syrup just might not help that out either. So we do have to exercise what Otis calls a little self-control.

I know what he means by that too. That is when you, meaning self, are the one handling the remote control.

I can see where that is important. After all if you are trying to balance all that food on your TV tray while watching television you sort of do need that remote so you don't spill something.

Which also makes using syrup in such situations a bit too much. I mean you could end up getting it on the remote control. That can make those darn buttons do dang sticky and hard to work.

And there is nothing more frustrating to me than you know sitting there and not being able to change channels with the remote so you can see a cool movie because the remote is all sticky. That can be awful. Because there you are trying to enjoy your small snack and have to get up and walk over to change the channels by hand. Oh the humanity. It can be so terrible.

That is why I try to keep my syrup use from getting too silly. That just is really a very important thing to do.

And if by chance you aren't very sure then I recommend you give it some serious thought. Because let me tell you not thinking about it and just getting your remote all sticky is not the way to find out for sure.

So I hope in this case you'll practice some good sense and if you are going to slather with syrup, don't it without any regrets from not being able to change TV channels. Trust me you'll thank me later.

BOFFO ON THE BRAIN

You know this is the craziest thing at times. One moment you get an idea and think to yourself, man this is pure genius. Heck you may even succeed in explaining it to somebody else and then will agree that it is incredible.

Then something happens. And later like the next day the same idea seems dumb or ordinary. You end up scratching your head and wondering what went wrong.

I call those experiences a case of boffo on the brain. Something that really makes you happy and excited at one second and then later feeling like you're crazy or worse.

I hate when that happens. And in my case I blame it on 3pm on Saturday afternoons. Because that is when this seems to take place in my life the most.

The reason I remember is because generally that is when I make it home after they have a big sale at the candy store on jelly beans. So I'll go over there and buy my small amount of ten or twelve bags and naturally I snack all the way home.

By three I'm home and resting from my trip with my tummy just extra full of jelly beans since the sale is the only time I really get a decent about. I'll be sitting there and sort of get lightheaded. It is probably from walking I imagine or all that chewing of jelly beans.

Anyway suddenly in addition to feeling lightheaded I start getting all these cool ideas. Well, they sure seem like they are cool at the time.

So I'll call up some of my pals and tell them and they will agree. Most of the time they seem to make more sense to them when they just finished running some errand. Like going by the donut shop and gobbling down six or seven dozen donuts.

I figure there must be something about that exercise that is the cause of making things seem different and smart when they really aren't. But we sure feel at the time that is was a good thing.

But then by Sunday, I don't know, it just don't seem all that inspired any longer. That sure is a shame to go to bed thinking you are a genius and wake up feeling like a dummy.

My buddy, Otis, sure ain't no help. He had the nerve to claim that the problem of my getting weird ideas was from my eating jelly beans.

Can you believe he would make a stupid comment like that? Man that is so silly. I mean my other pals didn't have any jelly beans and they still thought weird junk too.

I just think he gets jealous because I get to sit there and enjoy myself with great thoughts after eating all my jell beans and he doesn't have the same thought. But then he might and I'm not sure at times. That is because most of the time after I have my great thoughts from coming home after eating all those jelly beans I have to take a nap for a while. I think that is the darn exercise causing it. Boy that sweating sure doesn't seem like it is a great thing I don't care what anybody says.

WAKE ME UP WITH A TIRE IRON

Okay, I know that sounded weird, but let me tell you there are people I've known who are so dang brain dead that you would need a tire iron to get them to feel much of anything. I know that is my opinion, but shoot what can I say? People can be so darn weird at times.

Normally, I'm grateful I don't know too many people like that. More than perhaps I should, but heck knowing one is enough at times.

In my case, it might surprise some to know that I'm not even thinking of where I work when I'm thinking of this situation. Shoot, I'm not even thinking in terms of griminals either. True they are really weird at times and hitting them with a tire iron always makes me happy, but not because they are brain dead. Nope they are just nasty, mean and down right ugly at times.

I'm sorry to say that in this situation I'm referring to people that work at this customer service department over at the cable company. Now maybe the cable people are basically okay, but when I call up there the one's I end up talking to just can seem to give me a decent answer to a simple question. I tell you it gets downright frustrating call those dudes and have them act so darn strange.

Like the other day. I call them up because they were advertising how they had this movie I wanted to see on one of what they call their pay channels. Heck man, I figured since we are paying for all the channels we get on cable then it should be no problem.

So all I wanted to do was watch the movie. How hard is that to understand. But do you think they would let me. NOOOOO!

They rambled on about how you had to pay extra for the channel where they were playing that movie. What do these people take me for, a dummy?

I think they were just making that part up because somebody over there was just too plain lazy to just flip a switch so I could enjoy that movie. I mean I even offer to go over and flip the switch for them if they needed the help.

You would have thought that would have been appreciated since I would have saved them all that effort. But they said they couldn't let me do it.

I even tried to explain how I knew all what switches looked like and everything. Only they said it wouldn't help.

I tell you if I could go over and find that snotty dude I was talking to on the phone from the cable company I would reward him with my tire iron. But I'm out of luck there I guess.

Oh I did go over to the cable office. And for some reason after I told them my name they decide I ought to practice wrestling with their security guard. I did it for while, but after I used my tire iron on him the wrestling part got kind of boring. Oh well, Otis says that the nice man he got me for a lawyer says he thinks the insanity plea will work in my court case the moment the judge hears what I have to say. I hope so because that security guard sure was nuts in my book.

A BUMP IN THE ROAD

Man or man, this ought to be no big deal. Unless say the bump is cause by some dude sleeping in the middle of the road. But I guess if a person was stupid enough to take a nap in the middle of the road they got some really big problems.

Otherwise it might be a log or say a rock or even some road kill. But none of those are that big of a problem as far as I can see.

It don't work that way for my boss, Dr. Hemoglobin. And I guess it don't work that way for his son, old rat boy, Junior, either. If you listen to them a bump in the road is a really bad thing.

I'm not sure why either. I mean my buddy Otis and I do lots of traveling in our garbage truck and also when using a diaper service van on some grimefighting assignment. And we run over junk all the time, but it is normally no big deal.

Well the other day we are out on this one grimefighting assignment and things didn't go quite as planned. We sort of didn't quite catch the bad guy. Believe me we sure tried, but it just didn't happen the way we expected.

Oh we sure came close. I still think that old dude was faking it when I went to try and make him confess he was a little bug big time. But he just never cracked and admitted it.

Well live and learn I guess. And when his grandkids showed up they sure weren't appreciative or our efforts to rid the world of filth and clean.

Hey that guy started it. He was the one who was acted all weird in my book. Well I call it weird when you are talking to bushes and junk. \
But I guess that was just his way of you know taking care of plants. Like was suppose to know that he was a retired gardener. Anybody can be holding a bucket and spade and spend time watering plants in their front yard without being a retired gardener. Besides, he didn't come out right away and say it was his house. Just because he had his name on his shirt and it matched the one on that sign on the house doesn't prove a thing in my book.

Anyway, one thing lead to another and before I knew it his grandkids decided to express their opinion on our efforts. One thing lead to another and well those cops didn't seem to have the same attitude about clean as us ether.

Which is where the bump in the road thing came in. It happen when Dr. Hemoglobin was talking to the cops while posting our bail.

Personally, I don't recall running over anything, but then I don't always notice those things. At least the bump in the road was something Dr. Hemoglobin used to explain our little misunderstanding over that incident. Maybe he saw something in the road I didn't.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK: "How come they call them 'coin' operated vending machines when I have to push all the buttons to get them to work?"

BRIDGE MIX

Boy is this weird of what? I was over at this candy store and they have all these bins full of good stuff. Now all of that is cool. And most of them make sense.

You got things like chocolate covered nuts, chocolate covered raisins and other stuff that makes sense. Then they have this one type called bridge mix. Now is it just me or shouldn't something with the title bridge have some kind bridge actually in it?

This sure didn't. Oh it was tasty enough, but frankly I figured if it was going to deal with bridges that got mixed somehow then it ought to be noticeable. At least somewhere you should see something from any type of bridge.

But instead all it had was more candy. Which is okay by me, but I just don't see why they don't simply call it more good tasting candy stuff instead of trying to confuse you by calling in a mix from a bridge.

Plus let's be honest here, why would anyone want to eat a bridge in the first place? Just sounds plain dumb and stupid if you ask me. Not that anyone did, but in case they decide too I figured I would point that part out.

So as best as I can figure then the whole deal is about you know some dude who was probably working on a bridge and mixing whatever and got bored. He took a lunch break and then said to himself, hey food is more fun than working on this lame thing.

Then something got him inspired to decide that mixing a bunch of different kinds of chocolate and nuts and stuff would be a great snack. I can't blame him for that.

Not sure how you go from working on a bridge to deciding to make chocolates, but it must have worked for him. Which I guess is good for the rest of us.

Meanwhile, I was thinking in order to maybe feel better about this whole bridge mix thing I would buy some and then mosey over to this bridge and eat some of it. You know so I could of sort of say thank you Mr. Bridge dude for thinking up this cool stuff.

The only problem is that the nearest bridge is this one over in this park. It isn't very big. In fact it is sort of tiny model of a bridge that they put in between some plants.

Well I guess as long as nobody complains I can give it a shot. After all, a bridge is bridge. And if you've seen one then you've seen them small. Sounds okay to me.

Now all I have to do is make sure that the dude who runs the park don't freak out if I end up stepping on a few of his flowers in order to get to that bridge. If he does, I suppose i could share some of the bridge mix. That might keep him from complaining.

I guess I'll find out soon enough. I'm going to head over to the park after I finish here. But that is providing they aren't our bridge mix at the candy store. I guess I could use jelly beans, but well see.

GAME SHOWS

How come they never make any cool game shows about stuff that would really be fun? Boy I wish they would ask me. I've got all kinds of great ideas.

Heck, they must have some big place somewhere that all the game dudes hang out who think up the stuff the call game shows. And they are okay, don't get me wrong. It is just they always are about people winning stuff like money.

You get money for working and stuff so it just seems kind of boring to only give money away on some game show. Oh I know they also have those shows where they give you prizes too.

Still, I just wish they would come up with something extra special and make it a whole lot more fun if you asked me. And just in case anybody is a game dude who is reading this I'll just toss out a few ideas to show you how I could improve the shows.

Now first of all I would want to give people you can't give just anyway. Like say a card, which spares you from a beating if you happen to fart in a crowded elevator. Tell me one game show that offers that!

Then you could say give away "excuse me" coupons in case you happen to barf on a elevator. I bet nobody ever thought up that one before. But I imagine you sure could get a whole lot of folks excited over a prize like that.

As for the game shows themselves how about one called punch in the gut. Yeah, two people stand up and hit each other in the stomach after eating a really big meal of greasy pork chops with gravy biscuits and a big piece of apple pie with ice cream. That would really make one see who had the stronger stomach. The first one to barf loses.

Or how about a game called, Swipe the Armpit Hair. See you could each yank on the other person's armpit hair. The first one to scream loses.

See now tell me anybody else has come up with cool ideas like that? Which is just my point. There is never an fun stuff with the game shows that is different from all the other ones. At least mine are different.

Shoot, those were ideas off the top of my head. With a little encouragement and inspiration who knows what kind of great ideas I might come up with.

I say the sighs are the limit. Oh yeah, you can be darn sure that when you let me plan some game show there are going to be sighs. Perhaps even a few moans or groans too.

Course with a game like punch in the gut it is hard to say whether the groans might be because you stomach hurts or your happy you didn't barf first and are looking forward to claiming that coupon for not getting punched in the nose for farting in the elevator. Oh yeah, that would be something to see. I hope someday I get a chance too.

SWIPING YOUR CARD

Okay let me say this from the beginning, if you are thinking about swiping something it better be to clean off a mess with a rag. Because if you try and swipe my card I'll reward with a wooden bashing kind of thank you.

Who is the knucklehead that came up with this idea anyway? I just have to ask because it really sucks if you as me.

There I was in the store the other day and they had one of these little credit card machines and right on it I saw the words, swipe you card. Who at the darn credit card companies is encourage people to go around stealing other people's cards. This is really awful if you asked me.

And you can be that when I saw that message I pointed it out to the lady behind the counter. She sure got weird at that point when I refused to give her my card after I picked out what I wanted to buy.

I told her, "No way lady, you ain't swiping my card. And I sure ain't going to willingly let you steal it either."

Boy did I show her. That was right up to the point that she had those two really big security guards show me the door. Of all the nerve, let me tell you, hauling my butt out of that store just because I refused to let them steal my card.

Now what really bugged me is that apparently there are a whole lot of stores where they got some mean people who expect you to let them swipe your card. I tell you it is just pathetic that this kind of practice is going on.

I tell you I figured the best thing to do was to call the credit card company and report all those darn jerks for trying to be so sneaky. I guess I had some kind of problem with my phone though.

Every time I got somebody from the credit card company on the phone and was explaining the problem to them for some reason I got disconnected. Made me wonder if they were in on this attempt to swipe your card.

Well, I'm not going to let these dudes get away with this much longer. Why I've already been spending time calling up the customer service departments of these stores to let them know the kinds of people they got working there.

Man, this telephone problem is such a pain. Every time I manage to talk to one of them I get cut off just like with the credit card people. Makes me wonder if you know the phone company ought to be the ones I call next.

I might consider that, but they were so rude when I called up the other day and wanted the area code for Heaven. Hey, I just wanted to say Hi to God.

WHERE THE RUBBER MEETS THE DUCKY

Now this can be a real important event in terms of using a bathtub. Knowing the right information could just very well save you life if you are careful and paying attention.

Oh I know that might seem pretty impossible, but it could. How you might ask? Well, I'll tell you and feel free to take notes if you want to avoid the risk of a bathtub tragedy.

Okay, now for those how enjoy having a ducky bath buddy as some of us, then you do know the importance of making sure it floats. I mean if that thing sinks, you could have lots of problems.

Take for example, what if it has a hole and sinks to the bottom? Then you decide to grab for it. Well you are already all soaked, but then you end up sticking your head under the water to reach for that rubber ducky. Okay, you have to hold your breath and then after you can't hold it any longer you sit upright.

But in your rush, what happens? You end up bashing your head on the faucet or whatever. You end up knocking yourself unconscious and your head lands back in the water.

The next thing that happens is that you end up standing before Saint Peter still covered in soap suds and not much else. Would that be embarrassing or what?

And it would all be just because you didn't make sure the rubber on your ducky was honestly okay before you took a bath. Do you want to explain that to the man upstairs?

I know I don't. I mean my upstairs neighbor is a jerk. He thinks I'm weird as it is. So that last thing I want to do is give him any extra reason to think I'm stupid.

Well, that is why I recommend that you do a thorough check of your rubber ducky to prevent such disasters. I know it is easy to forget or get rush. I can understand how a person can get so rushed to get into that tub and enjoy the fun of clean.

But I sure don't want to see anybody end up in big trouble just for failing to take that couple of extra seconds to check old bathtub buddy rubber ducky for possible holes. So give it that extra time.

And I hate to say it, but in addition there are times when it is a point reached we all hate. That of saying good-bye to the old rubber ducky and shopping for a new one. You just have to let that old pal go on to rubber ducky heaven. Wherever that is. Not sure, but I'm sure it's somewhere.

In the meantime, just do what you can to savor a safe and soapy joyful occasion in the old bathtub. And don't forget to make sure old ducky is ready to play. Because the life you save in the process might be your very own. I know you'll thank me later for that advice even if you have to wait till you dry off.

TESTS AND MORE TESTS

How come so many things in life require you to have a test before you can do whatever? Personally, I think it is a conspiracy by people who make up tests. If they were out having a good time they wouldn't need to be thinking about tests.

It just doesn't seem right to me that's all. You should be able to find a better way of doing some stuff without getting zapped with a need for some test.

Take driving for example? I mean I can sort of see where they want you to prove you can drive. Oh I suppose you could just stand there and hold your hands up like you were driving and makes sounds like a car engine. But okay, I guess having you actually get behind the steering wheel and drive somewhere sort of makes sense.

I just don't like that they expect you to take a written test too. After all what has me being able to read or use a ink pen got to do with my being able to drive? Again that to me is all about the people who think up tests and not about driving.

And if that wasn't bad enough, then if you do get through the written test and the driving test they expect you to take an eye test. What the heck is that all about? I mean the knucklehead behind the counter can see I have eyes! So why give me some lame need to look at letters on a chart is silly. At least they could learn how to spell. I was staring at some of those words and let me tell you, they were definitely either some foreign language or spelled really bad.

I tried to ask that dude behind the counter about all that stuff, but he just didn't seem to want to explain. Pretty rude too, just didn't want to chat at all once I started talking to him about those tests.

But getting a driver's license isn't the only place where you find people with weird ideas about test. The other place that bugs me is with doctors.

Where did they get the idea of blood tests? Now I ask you is there anyone breathing who doesn't also have blood? So how come they got to have us take some test just to determine if we actually have blood?

After all they were the ones who went to school to learn medicine. What the heck are they teaching these guys if they don't already know you got to have blood just to be alive?

Boy it sure doesn't make sense too me. I tell you when you consider how much doctor's charge you would think they could at least study up better on stuff like blood. At least they ought to you know only need to check on one blood test to know people who are living have blood. Why they have to keep testing is beyond me.

Unless for some reason they think there are a lot more like vampires out there than the rest of us. But if that is the case, I suppose I would rather not know anyway.

YOU'RE INVITED

Ain't this just the best feeling in the whole wide world. Invited means you're it. You're in the in crowd. Just doing spiffy as part of some inner circle.

Never have been able to see that circle anywhere whether it is inner or outer, but I guess it is there just the same. And all I know is if you are in the inner circle of whatever it is a good thing. It means you are cool.

Course I don't go out of my way to get invited to junk. I mean I do enjoy it, but sometimes I just guess I look forward to it more than others.

That happens in the most unusual ways too. You can just be sitting there and whammo, you get invited to something great.

Take the other day for example. I was sitting in the living room when the mail came. And my buddy, Otis, brought me my mail.

Well there in the midst of all that cool mail where these businesses send you their things fill of discounts, there it was. This letter telling me I was invited. Oh yeah, it was amazing.

Here, I didn't even know these people and they invited me. Guess my fame as a grimefighter is bigger than I imagined. And it was sure nice to hear from those folks who thought enough of me to send me that invitation. I thought it was a great honor to have them think me worthy to join their club.

Yep, I just sat there and was totally stunned to think I was invited to belong to something where I could buy all kinds of CD's for a great price. And they were so cool to figure me the type of person that would fit into that club seeing how we had never even met.

I tell you that sure was a lot better than having to deal with that one neighbor of mine. That dude is so snooty. He had this special party a while back and I'm sure my invite must have gotten lost in the mail or something.

Well I didn't want to embarrass him by that fact so when I saw the party taking place I went on over and joined it. Boy you should have seen the look on his face when I came through the door.

Frankly, it was kind of a dull party anyway. They call it a "Black Tie" affair. Personally, I don't see what is good about having to wear a black tie, but I put one on. It didn't go that well with my beanie and red sneakers or yellow overalls, but I figured if that was important to him, I'd go along. Those other dudes were all dressed like penguins thought Glad I didn't have to wear one of those stupid suits.

Anyway, I showed up and they were all sitting around looking at some painting and listening to this group of people playing what they called chamber music, but I never saw any chambers so I got no idea what that was about. As for that painting, well it was okay. The artist was pretty good too. I couldn't see any place where he mess up on staying in the lines like I might of with those paint by number things. Although, I never put my name on my paintings like this guy Picasso. Funny what some people think is cool ain't it.

TASTE GREAT, LESS FILLING

I heard somebody talking about this and mentioned beer. Well, not being the type to try any of that stuff, I didn't figure I would waste time with answering that question in terms of beer.

Personally, I'm a bit confused. I mean who wants something that tastes great, but don't make you feel full? Sounds like kind of a rip off to me. Here you are, filling your tummy up with good stuff and left not feeling full. Is this really supposed to be a good thing?

It kind of reminds me of those diet foods. The ones that say they have less calories. Frankly, from the way they taste, I figure the calories they left out had all the tastes. Because what they left in that stuff sure don't do much in terms of being yummy.

As for filling you up, forget it. What they do is leave you feeling like you didn't eat at all. Then what happens it that a while later you got to eat again. In fact you have to eat so often after trying to eat that stuff that you need a regular diet just to help from eating so much of all that stuff that is suppose to be diet stuff. What good is that?

But somebody thought it was a good idea. Not me, that's for sure. I think I'll just stick with stuff I know actually tastes good and makes you feel filled up in a good way.

And in case you need any suggestions I'll just toss out a few for the sake of information. Okay, I could offer up the usual I suppose like jelly beans. Oh yeah, those definitely do it for me.

However if for some reason you need some other suggestions, I can do that too. Now for starters there are donuts. If you don't believe me just ask the Reverend Analbe. I mean he talks to God and everything so if anybody knows it ought to be him.

Why he's such a believer in donuts being cool that sometimes he can put away a couple of dozen without any problem. The best I've managed is about a dozen and a half.

But you know after you have polished six or seven burgers and fries, two banana splits, a six pack of grape soda and snacked on three for four extra large pizzas, you just don't have much room left for donuts. Guess next time I'll pass on those four dozen cookies I hate while waiting for the pizzas to get delivered.

Yeah that ought to help. And um I imagine snacking on those five pounds of chocolate might be good to pass on too just for that situation.

Until then I reckon I'll have to keep giving this thing more study. And I reckon if that means eating every meal at some burger joint will help. I'm sure they won't get bored seeing me only seven times a day. That is provide I skip my break snacks. I guess it would be worth making that sacrifice just for the case of research. I suppose I'll find out in due time or after enough donuts.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK: "I see about these places called Bed and Breakfast. I just hope they don't stuff the breakfast in the bed before you use it."

TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT

Well I like the taking part, but if you are going to mess around tell me to take something or settle for some leaves, forget it. I ain't going to be content messing with any stupid leaves.

I'll rake grass if I need to and I know that this time of year lots of people get hung up raking up leaves, but don't make me do both. That is just too cruel.

Not that I'm a big fan of yard work in the first place. How come they can't make grass that just mows itself or doesn't even needs mowing?

But noooo, they got to give you grief by making you spend all that extra time cutting some lawn then cleaning it up afterwards. And what is the point? I mean if you cut it, you just end up cutting again next week or the week after. It never ends.

So what is your reward for cutting the grass? Is it an ice cream sundae or some jelly beans? Nope. Some nut hands you a rake.

What the heck kind of reward is that? None to me that is for sure. And then if you do rake up the leaves what happens next? They make you water the whole mess so you have to do it again.

I tell you it just ain't fair. It just sucks. Whose idea was this lawn stuff anyway? Is it a dumb law somebody passed.

Yeah, I bet that is it. Some clown of a politician thought it would be real cool to make us all miserable by making us spend time cutting grass and then raking leaves.

And he probably did it all just to make us look stupid. I bet he sits back and has it all on film so he can show it to his buds that are also all politicians.

One thing you can pretty much know for certain. You ain't going to see any of those darn politicians out cutting grass. Nope, I don't see anyone wearing some three piece suit pushing some lawnmower.

I only wish there was another option. Personally, I think I would vote for carpet or just painting the dirt a nice shade of green. What would be the problem with that?

Well, I reckon that it doesn't matter what would be easier. You got to consider all those rake people and lawnmower people who would be out of work if we didn't keep cutting grass.

But perhaps if we could say allow them to take up some other kind of work they would stop bugging us about this whole yard thing. Then we could paint them suckers and kick back and celebrate with a few ice cream sundaes. I'll vote for that. Wish I could convince them darn politicians to do the same.

A DAY AT THE DUMP

Oh man, now this can be like Christmas if you get to the dump on a really good day when people have tossed away all kinds of treasures. Of course being a garbage man I do get first shot you know and poking through the stuff people through away on my trash route.

And let me tell you some people just aren't that good at appreciate how used stuff has value. They will throw away all kinds of cool stuff.

Can you believe people would toss away a lamp just because it stopped working? What kind of sick mind does something like that? It is terrible.

I mean just because the poor thing doesn't work as a lamp any longer doesn't mean you can still find a use for it. You just got to be willing to be creative.

What really gripes me is when I find something in the trash that is really cool and worthwhile and the person who tossed it just plain doesn't care. There I am on my trash route and I find this three legged chair or whatever and go up to the door and knock on it. You know I just want to make sure the person didn't make a mistake.

Man some of those people get so dang rude when you ask them that question. Just because it is four in the morning doesn't seem to me to be a big deal to go by and ask.

But those people just don't see it that way. They get all bent out of shape. Some even seem to have trouble talking. Their faces will get all red and they'll huff and puff and I guess they aren't feeling well, because they end up slamming the door shut.

Well, I figure if they are that thoughtless then they are ought of luck if they want it back later. So afterwards I don't feel too bad if I keep it.

Which then bring me to the dump. Like I said it is such a cool place at times. I can poke around and find the most amazing stuff.

But I just wish I could always bring it home. My buddy, Otis, just ain't that tolerable or appreciative of my effort to save really cool junk.

Like the other day when I found this great pair of shoes. I mean they looked great. And he wouldn't let me bring them home just because they had holes in the bottoms.

Can you believe him saying they were no good. Shoot I would let a thing like that keep me from enjoying them. There are things like bubble gum and newspaper to fix that problem.

Besides it isn't every day you find a cool pair of orange shoes. Course, I didn't tell Otis I went back and got them later. I can't wear them when he's around. Or in raining weather either. At least till I figure out how to get some plastic to stick to the bottoms. But on a hot day, man do I look cool with them and my lime green pants to go with my yellow beanie.

EATING ON THE RUN

Now I ask you what sane person does this? Okay, I know there are those weird exercise types out there who probably think this is a good idea, but not me.

I mean jeez, how in the world can you balance a burger, fries and big drink while running? I know I can't. In fact I don't even know why I would want to.

See the thing is, as I view it, when you are wolfing down all that cool food you will have the time afterwards when you tummy is going to be really, really full. Plus you know it takes time for the grease from the fries and burgers to get from you tummy to wherever it goes. Personally, after I've had you know three big deluxe cheeseburgers, two big buckets of fries and four or five drinks, I'm lucky to even move for about an hour.

Which is why I think they call it an lunch hour or dinner hour. Because obviously the people who named them knew you were going to need all that time just to let the food settle before you did much moving around.

So what in the world do these you know jogger types eat that makes them think it is okay to run while you are munching on it. I doubt it is anything good.

I figure it has to be some of that stuff called health food. That is the junk they sell in those strange stores that have brand names like organic. God that turns my stomach just to think of what kind of strange stuff somebody puts in that stuff.

But you know, perhaps that is the whole deal. You got these people who don't want to admit that health food is really not that tasty.

So they start running and that way they can spit it out when nobody is looking. Plus lets face it if you are eating something that tastes yucky you do definitely want to have something else to do.

Because the one thing we all know if your tummy ain't happy you sure are going to be hearing about it a whole lot. And if you are too proud to admit that the stuff they give you in some health food store may not have the zing you would get from normal foods then you better have a way of not being watched when you spit it out.

So if you are one of those who eats on the run, then I will definitely feel sorry for you. After all you are just a slave to something you can seem to give up.

And when you go jogging by the fast food restaurant where us sane people are really enjoying our food, I'll even wave. Only you don't have to wave back.

I won't blame you if you need to hold your hand over your mouth to keep from barfing. But don't worry, I won't tell. Besides it is so much more fun just trying to imagine where you are finding those bushes so you can barf without anyone noticing. That is a talent you can have. With burgers, I don't need it.

SOMEWHERE OVER THE RAIN NOSE

Do you have probably with your nose running very much? Man there are times when mine is like some leaking faucet. Drip, drip, drip. I hate it!

But I guess it is one of those things that you just have to live with. Why is it people who say that always do so when they aren't having the problem? Talk about a time when you aren't helping, that is it for me man.

Anyway, whenever my nose gets in one of these leaking faucet moods, I just keep reminding myself it isn't forever. I got to admit at the time it doesn't always help, but sometimes it is a good thing.

Still, when I find myself having to lug around some hanky all the time, I do think in terms of how I might get that problem fixed more permanently. I just haven't figure out the solution yet.

I've heard of people getting nose jobs. I don't know where you get one, but I can't help wondering if there is like somebody who is a doctor that moonlights as a plumber that may have figured out a way to solve the problem.

And I bet it is one of those plastic surgeon types of doctors. Yeah, I reckon a guy who spends a lot of time operating on plastic as a doctor would have this problem taken care of.

Or perhaps it is one of those types of doctors does that cosmetic surgery. But then I imagine that would involve wearing some make up and I'm not into that.

So I guess outside of finding one of those plastic surgeon dudes I might go out and check with a few plumbers.

Perhaps I'll find one that wears a surgeon's mask or one of those stethoscopes that doctors are always wearing. Gee, if I do find one, I wonder if he will give me a shot at one of those types of deals where I don't have to worry about my nose running again.

Although I wouldn't be crazy about the idea of him say shoving a faucet up my nose. That wouldn't work for me.

I mean it ain't that I have anything against faucets and all, but I just don't figure I want one in my nose. I just think it might hurt that's all.

Well, I guess I'll just have to keep checking on the options in this situation. I'm sure they are out there somewhere.

And if I happen to find them, I'll let you know. Well providing it don't involve a faucet up you nose. I don't want anyone come knocking on my door saying it was my fault that happen to them.

WELCOME MATS

I always thought this was kind of a weird idea. You know, the mat says welcome, but the idea is you are supposed to step on it.

Now maybe it is only me, but for some reason I have trouble figuring out how come they think it is a good thing for them to step on the welcome before you open the door? Think about it? To me it is saying, hey come in and step on me!

At least it does to me. So you get somebody to you know step on that welcome mat and then they start thinking, hey this dude is saying come on it and make yourself at home. Take whatever you want because I already let you walk all over me. Boy is that a temptation or what?

I've been giving a lot of thought to ways of fixing that problem. And it is a hard problem to change, let me tell you.

First of all, you don't want to get rid of the welcome mat. Otherwise you just are saying, go away and don't bother me. And that is no way to make friends or encourage folks to visit.

But you can't leave that mat the way it is because that just leads to other problems. So there just has to be a way to fix the mat do you don't worry about visitors getting weird.

Well, so far I guess my first thought was to get rid of the welcome part and just leave the mat. Then I figured a mat that doesn't say welcome is just about the same as having no mat. So that ain't the best idea either.

That left me with only one other idea. I figured, well I could like say hello and then add something to make sure everyone who visits understands.

You know how they have those directions on stuff? And sometimes they have other things like warning labels?

I figure people see those all the time so it might work great for a welcome mat too. You know put a little sign under the welcome part. It could say something like, "knock on the door, come inside when I say so and no funny stuff."

That ought to do I figure. Well except for perhaps the warning part. I mean you don't want to say, "do something weird and I'll clobber you." That might make things a bit difficult.

Then I remembered those signs that say, "enter at your own risk." So I figured adding after no funny stuff something like "enter, but don't mess up" would work.

Yep, I bet that will take care of the concern I have over this whole welcome mat thing. It could be a real plus. I wonder how old Reverend Analbe will like it? Shoot, I doubt with him it will matter. He doesn't like anything anyway.

INSPIRATION

Now this as I understand is when you have some idea or whatever that motivates you to do something different. So I imagine it should be regarded as a good thing.

Providing I reckon that you are getting motivated to do something super cool and not something stupid. What I don't get is how come writers are suppose to need inspiration?

I mean what is to inspire. You can't think of a word, well you got a dictionary that should take care of it, right?

But apparently that isn't enough for some people. They got to have more. Like the ones that talk about finding themselves.

Which is really dumb to me since how can you not find yourself? I'd be really worried about some dude who claims he lost himself. Jeez, you got a real problem if you think you are somebody and the rest of you is some place. Where, I don't want to think about.

I've also heard about what they call Writer's Block. Not sure where that is located. It is not in my neighborhood though.

Which I'm glad to hear because wherever this Writer's Block is located it is apparently some place where writers don't get to do much writing. I think I'll pass on going there myself.

As for this whole inspiration thing, well shoot, first of all it is "in." That means you better not be somewhere that is out and expect to find it.

Then there is the rest the spiration part. Sounds like a kind of spewing too me. Which means you either got to barf or maybe you do a lot of spitting.

Well if you got to barf you better be in the bathroom, which is generally indoors as a rule. Not sure if trying to do much writing after you through up is a good thing.

However, some of the stuff people write is pretty lame so maybe it couldn't be any worse. As for the spitting part, I reckon doing that on the inside is okay. Providing you avoid spitting on somebody else. That can be dangerous if it is a big mean looking dude.

So I guess it comes down to if you really want to write you need to do so inside and right after you used the bathroom and are feeling kind of sickly. Um, I hope you are writing something good in the process though.

I would hate to think you would do all that suffering and then end up writing crap. The crap is the part you ought to leave in the bathroom.

So grab some extra toilet paper and go for it. Well do the going in the toilet, I reckon. Then you can save the writing for other times.

LOCK, STOCK AND BARREL

Is this supposed to be a good thing? I heard somebody mentioning it the other day as if it was a big deal.

They were talking about some business and the place was having a sale on what was they said was lock, stock and barrel. I got the impression that was pretty much everything.

Only I'm not really clear if that would have been okay if the place didn't have any barrel. Then perhaps it would have just been lock and stock? And what if the place had more than lock? Would it have been locks and stock?

I also wonder if they locks were locked would it have been locked locks and stock or what? Well, it seems fair to ask. I mean somebody needs to ask they important questions. At least I think they do.

So I wonder, you know, if they didn't have all those three things would they still be able to sell everything? Seems like it could be kind of important?

Then I was thinking that perhaps you know this has something to do with the government. Yeah, you know how they are always doing stuff like taxing people and telling us what to do.

So maybe in this case they got some reason to tell a business to get rid of all their stuff. From what my buddy, Otis, says the government loves to mess up stuff.

Perhaps you got some super important dude or government big shot who comes in to a business and says, "okay, start moving your stuff around. I don't like the way it looks."

The next thing you know you end up with that not making him happy. Then it becomes move it again and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Afterwards, perhaps the business ends up with a bunch of broken junk from all the moving stuff around. So they figure they better sell it since they can't use it much any longer.

And if you sell everything you sure don't need the locks. I mean if all you junk is gone then what do you need to lock the doors for? Makes sense to me.

I guess this ranks up there with something like when they have some vents that get ripped up when you are putting them in. From the best I can figure that happens a lot. I'm always hearing about some business having an "in-vent-toring." I reckon it should be tearing perhaps, but what the heck, the important part is that it got torn huh?

Hopefully the next time they will be more careful. You would think so. But then it is hard to say with some people if the ever learn from when they mess up a lock, stock or barrel.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK: "There is retired and also retread. Only it don't seem like you get a new anything with retired like you do with retread."