CHEAP SHOTS

I like bargains as much as the next person. But when it comes to getting shots for stuff like flu, I don't see it as ever being a bargain regardless of how cheap they make it.

I guess what worries me is that when it comes to medicine, I figure they can only make it just so cheap. Then to cut the cost more they got to get creative.

Which I figure means you know the got to use something other than needles to give you the shot. Perhaps a really sharp tooth pick.

Or a straight pen used with the help of a hammer. I don't think I want to give it a try. And I also don't think I want to you know try that other way this one dude suggestion.

His idea was that you paint the medicine on a big steel spike welded to the bumper of a truck and wait till the person tries to cross the street. Then you floor it and SURPRISE! Only I don't imagine the person will say thank you.

Well I guess the other big concern might be you know that you get some dummy to try and give the shot. What if the dude was like blind for example. That could really suck.

The dude my end up sticking you some place where it could smart big time. You can forget me liking that idea.

Now I know how they are always talking about medical costs are too expensive. But I'm just not sure we want to economize on getting some blind or otherwise handicapped person to give out shots to save money.

But I reckon there will always be a few strange people out there that will think tha tis a good idea. I'm not one of them, but that doesn't mean somebody wouldn't try it.

All I know is that I definitely don't want that one method this other guy came up with. He wanted to replace regular shots by using a hand grenade or bazooka.

At least I'm not too worried about old Colonel Stickemstill getting that one to work. He's the head of our local civilian militia and the Mayor won't even trust him with ammunition or guns. So I doubt he'll get his hands on some hand grenade.

Well I hope he won't. You never can be sure what you can pick up on sale at some war surplus store.

All I can say is if he comes my way and mentions anything about shots, the first thing I'm going to do is duck. Unfortunately I just realized that could run the risk of him blowing up my butt. Gee some choice that leaves me.

I suppose I'll just have to keep on hoping he never gets put in charge of flu season. I don't think his cure would be that helpful.

HOLIDAY PAY

All I want to know is what in the world do holidays need money for? I mean is there a place like some store where holidays go to shop for whatever they think they need?

Seems like a fair question to ask. Plus the way I figure since most stores are closed for holidays where would they really have a chance to do much shopping. Perhaps on the internet. Maybe they got their own holiday shopping web site or something.

I guess my big worry is where does all the money come from to pay those holidays anyway? I would hate to think it comes out our taxes or some other way that costs us a bundle whether we want to pay for it or not.

You would think that the government could work out a deal of some kind without it costing us. Heck, seeing how at times they love invading and blowing things up I reckon the could even just park a tank near where that stupid Holiday hangs out and say, "you want pay, well give you pay in things that will blow your butt to smithereens."<

"But then you never know how the holiday would react to that. Shoot is might just refuse to be a holiday. Then we would lose out on all the fun. And man if somebody were to refuse to allow us to have something like Christmas, I sure would get pissed. There is no way anybody is going to take away my holiday fudge!

One thing I'm not sure of is whether these holidays have a union. Lord knows there are unions for all other kinds of workers so I bet there is a holiday union somewhere.

Oh my god, if there is a union then that means they could go on strike! But since we don't know who pays them, it would be awful. They could refuse to holiday as a form of strike.

Why that could lead to like us being stuck with some lame-oh non union scab holiday fill it. Can you imagine Christmas being some like "don't bug me jerk, I'm just filling in here" kind of a holiday. We could end up with somebody with a real bad attitude who would fart a lot, forget where he put the presents and end up raiding the refrigerator of all the good stuff.

And what if nobody figured out how to settle the strike for like years. Man we would end up having to rewrap the same crapping present year and year. Like that would be some thrill.

As for the Christmas trees, I hate to think what it would be like to get stuck using the same one over and over. Well, I suppose with some super glue you could keep the pine needles stuck on it for couple years and maybe some paint would keep it green, but I don't it would hold very many ornaments for long. At least you might not have to water it. But then if you got stuck using the same present every year, I guess it wouldn't matter than much about the tree.

I guess to be safe we better stick with the whole holiday pay then. At least tell we can locate that union and slap them around to get them to behave.

GIVE US YOUR POOR AND FUDGE

I heard about this really big statue of a lady that is in a place called New York. They call it the Statue of Liberty as I understand. Not sure if something stiff like a statue is best symbol for being free since you should be able to move, but then I also understood this Statue was some kind of gift from some other country.

I believe it was in that place called You rope. So I assume they were big on ropes in some way. Okay by me, but I'm not sure why they decide to give us this Statue. I reckon seeing how it is so dang big maybe they just couldn't use if for roping practice and decided it was better to give away.

In any case, I understand that Statue has some saying with it about give us your poor. Well I bet nobody paid that much attention to that saying.

Because the last I heard you know nobody had give away all the poor to the place that sent us that statue. Shoot I can't blame for not doing that. I mean they might do something weird like rope them or worse. I'd rather not try to imagine myself.

But I got thinking you know, how come they didn't give us a better choice with that stature than just forking over our poor for God knows what kind of sick plan. Couldn't they have given us a few options.

Say like a few poor dudes along with some boxes of fudge. At least that way you know if they got all tired out from roping the poor they could eat the fudge for energy. Heck, the poor could even have some. That way they would have the strength to run a little should they want to avoid being roped.

The other thing I wonder about is how come this statue is of a lady? I mean don't cowboy normally do the roping thing? So shouldn't this statue have been of some cowboy?

Plus you sort of have to wonder why she is green? Makes me wonder if she was sick or something.

Well I reckon we will never know for sure on that part. Because I imagine the lady who posed for the picture probably ain't available for comment.

That is normally what they call it when you can ask somebody a question. I know it sure happens to me a lot when I call places to get some information.

And that really bugs me at times. I mean all I want to know is a little information, but man the moment I ask a simple question like how come stop signs don't just have pictures of dead bodies on them to show you what happens if you don't stop, people just start acting so weird.

Guess I'll have to ask somebody next time I get anyone to stay on the phone and not have lose the connection right after they know who is calling. I reckon there are just a whole lot of places that have trouble with their phones working right.

REMEMBERING WHEN

How come the person who says this never explains what the when happens to be? I mean is this supposed to be a good thing or what?

I guess it can be. Remembering when I had my last trip to the candy store is always a good thing. Whereas remembering when I screwed up as a grimefighter does not make my list of fun things to do.

The one thing that sort of bugs me more than others is the fact that I don't find enough people ready to remember when I last saved the world. You would figure that somebody might notice and think it was worth remembering.

Heck, I even tried to make it easy for people one time too. I called up the newspaper to try and see if they had heard of my little effort to save the world. That jerk from the paper had the nerve to ask, "who?' when I called.

Now I ask you is that anyway to treat a super hero? I don't think so. So I went ahead and explained the whole deal to this guy. I figured at least he could be a little appreciative of my efforts.

But that guy had the nerve to act like saving the world from a dangerous and crazed litter bug was no that big of a deal. Talk about not knowing what is important.

Well I tried to explain how maybe he didn't have things quite right. You know I went on to explain all about the company I work for called STINK, about my buddy Otis, and our boss Dr. Hemoglobin. I suppose I should have not gone into detail about old rat boy Junior Hemoglobin.

Anyway, somewhere in the middle of my explanation I guess that guy had someone tell him a funny joke. Because he started laughing and carrying on like he was at some party.

Then I guess something went wrong with his phone. Because all of sudden we got disconnected.

I did try calling back, but it didn't do me much good. When I told his secretary who was calling all she did was start laughing and then hung up. Guess whatever joke he heard they told her too. Too bad they have so many problems with their phone lines.

So I didn't try calling back. I did write them a letter though. I didn't get the guy's name unfortunately.

I just addressed it to the head writer dude in charge of super hero remember when stuff. I bet that impressed them. I got to admit I didn't see any articles in the paper yet. But I imagine they just have had the time to include it. It has only been six months. I know that can be not enough time before you can call it a real remember when event. Guess we will have to wait until they do then people will really know what kind of person I am.

THREE TO GET READY, FOUR TO POOP

Oh man I hate when this happens. You get all ready to go somewhere and suddenly your butt puts on the brakes so you can go sit on some toilet.

Well okay, with some they say four to go. Fine by me, going, pooping, whatever. As long as you get the general idea that it involves something coming out of the end that is other than your mouth.

And I suppose giving yourself three reasons to get ready is okay too. But then you it is serious if you need four to poop.

Personally, I never need more than one reason to poop myself. Having my butt start tightening up is enough reason for me.

But I reckon if you think you need some reasons that is okay too. You know like being sure you got enough toilet paper is helpful I suppose.

Then you ought to make sure the bathroom isn't occupied too. That is a real big thing to know because if you don't know and you got to go, it can be a real disaster if the bathroom is occupied.

Which of course brings up the third reason to get ready. You need to get ready with a clean pair of underwear should you not make it to the bathroom in time. I know that shouldn't happen to anybody other than some little kid. But at long as you don't go telling the world or showing your messy underwear you can at least spare yourself some humiliation.

As far as the four reasons for pooping, well I reckon that might include some real different kind of stuff like say you know not wanting your butt to explode. Or perhaps it would be your inner plumbing bursting from holding it too long.

Other than that well the reasons might include important stuff like letting yourself get emptied out so you can make more room for other important stuff in your body. Like more food. Yep, that would be a pretty big deal.

Then if you broke it down into the four major food groups like some people do you got even more than four reasons. But four will be enough I reckon. However, if you need to know the four basic food groups, I'll give them to you.

First of course is fast food. That is good stuff like burgers, fries, tacos, pizza and Chinese food. Then you got your bread group. It includes good stuff like donuts, bread type of breads, cakes, cookies and all that other important good junk. When you get pass those two you get the others stuff, which includes snack goodies. Thinks like jelly beans, chocolates, you know the stuff for lots of energy. The last one is naturally dairy type products. Basically anything that might come from a dairy. We're talking things like ice cream, banana splits and I suppose you might include steaks if you think of cows being on a dairy.

So there you have your choices and all I can say is happy counting and pooping. I know I'm going to enjoy it.

ONE FOR THE MONEY, TWO FOR THE SHOW

I got a feeling this mainly deals with going to the movie with they got a discount going on. You know it is like you get one movie for the usual money, but two for two showing up when there is a really cool movie on that everyone wants to see.

The thing is that I know going to the movies can be sure, but I never thought ones about horses were all that popular. Oh I heard all about the one movie they made about some horse called Teabiscuit. I don't have any idea what the big deal is about a horse running around some track or anything, but somebody decided it would make a cool movie.

I guess the important thing was that he had this big race against this other horse, or I guess it was a horse called Man of Bore or something like that. Anyway that other horse or whatever probably had a problem because he was supposedly a triple crown winter.

It sounds like a pretty stupid prize to me. I don't care how many crowns you got if they are cold as winter I figure they wouldn't be worth wearing.

Now if this other horse was weighed down by wearing three of them, I could see where he might have trouble doing much running.

Which makes the fact that he got beat by this Teabiscuit kind of phony in my opinion, but that is my opinion. At least I have trouble figuring out why it would be such a good thing to make a movie over some race like that.

Oh well, what can I say? I reckon that entertainment comes in all forms. So if that works for somebody then who am I to complain?

What is kind of hard for me to figure is how come you know so many people end up losing their wallets or whatever when going to watch a movie about horses? That seems kind of odd, but I've heard these guys I never even knew went to a movie talking about losing a fortune watching the ponies run. I figure he ought to be more careful with his wallet.

As for me, well I suppose I will always be looking forward to seeing movies, even ones about horses. Only I sure hope they have some times when they show something other than horse movies.

Unless you got one where the horse is running around blow up junk. But then seeing how he does have to wear those big iron shoes, I kind of doubt he could sneak up on people very easy to blow them up.

Then maybe seeing how they could be extra fast when racing and all it might work. But I ain't going to bet on it myself.

From what I hear some others do. Weird huh? People betting on a movie about horses? Guess it doesn't take much to make some people happy.

THE HILLS ARE ALIVE

Man does this sound scary. I mean do the hills have monsters lurking in them wait to gobble us up if we visit?

I do have to ask you know. It seems like a fair question. I know I saw this movie once where there was this one lady standing on a hill and singing about the hills being alive. Only what she said didn't make a whole lot of sense.

She talked about them being alive with the sound of music. I don't reckon that would be a bad thing, except I never saw a singing musical instrument on the hills she was singing about. Sounded like she had other problems if she was imagining their were instruments on the hills when there weren't any.

Plus even if you did see any instruments there were no musicians around play them. Perhaps that lady had you know some imaginary musicians to go with her imaginary instruments.

Oh maybe she just heard music that was never there. I know there are some strange people like that. None I plan on hanging with though.

Well in any case, if thinking the hills are alive ends up making you go kind of strange like what happen with that lady then forget it. First of all she ended up being a none. They never explained what none we was lacking, but her mother sure thought she was some big deal. Because that lady called her mother superior. I guess that is okay.

Anyway somewhere in all of this she met some guy who spend time hanging around with all his kids who were into singing too. He spent time messes with traps. They never explained if they were for mice or bears or what.

By the end of the movie though they all got up on some stage and started singing to a whole bunch of people before they went for a picnic in the hills again. Guess they were sure hung up on the hills whether they had music or not.

As for me, unless somebody can guarantee me nothing weird is going to happen if those hills come alive, I think I'll stay in the city. I figure there is no reason to go out and look for trouble without a reason.

As for the other people who see things like music that isn't really there, well that's okay I suppose. I imagine as long as they stay out in them hills and don't come over and bug me that is okay.

Well if they do happen to come over I just hope they don't bring any of those imaginary musicians then that will be okay. All I can hope is that they leave the hills in the hills and don't bring any dirt with them. With my luck it would be something like bear turds or something else equally disgusting. And unless it is imaginary then they better be left with that music that isn't there.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK: "It is one for the money and two for the show. Which only makes sense since one would have to have money for two to go to a show."

AGAIN?

Man oh man, do I hate these moments. These are always those "oh god" types of experience. I don't mean any respect to God, but I'm talking about those times when you have something happen that you just never wanted to have happen again in your entire life.

And you groan again because you just can't believe you were dumb enough to have the same stupid thing happen to you that you thought you were smart enough to ever experience another time. Got that okay?

So you end up feeling like crap and utterly about as happy as if you got run over by a truck or worse. Only no matter how hard you try you get no way of feeling good about it because not you're worried about how you are going to avoid it another time. However, this time you aren't feeling so cocky that you can conquer the world. Dang I hate when that happens.

I have given lots of thoughts to cool ways to avoid this. And so far the best way I think of doing it is by just not thinking about it. Yep, you just keep going on and thinking to yourself that everything is cool and it never happens.

I got to admit that doesn't work quite as good as I would hope at times. That is because this voice in my head keeps saying "yeah but" way too much.

I was hoping to figure a way to get rid of that voice. Telling it to shut up never works. And I even tried bash it with a hammer, but all that happen was that I passed out and woke up with a really bad headache. You can believe that is one again I sure don't want to know about again.

Outside of that I was figuring what I needed the most to get my mind off the problem. What I did was decide doing something fun would help.

And if I worked in some kind of eating with it would be even better. Food is a good thing at times for that kind of help. At least I figured it would be.

So what I did was try what I called a forget me casserole. Only outside of macaroni and cheese, I'm not too partial to regular casseroles.

Which is why I figured the best choice was some kind that involved jelly beans. I mean if one thing will make any casserole extra yummy to me would be lots and lots of jelly beans.

So what I did was add jelly beans, peanut butter, a couple of gallons of fudge sauce, some double extra rich chocolate syrup, some marshmallows, ice cream, you know at least four gallons to give it a smooth flavor and then a few other things to make sure it was sweet enough.

All I can say is once I polished off that five gallons of casserole I did forget. The only problem was that I sort of passed out in the process and when I woke up I could remember much of anything for about an hour. I guess I didn't get that casserole mixed up quite right. Maybe some frosting would improve it.

ALL THE WORLD IS A STAGE

Okay my question is if all the world is a stage, where are all the bathrooms? And how come we don't get an intermission some time?

Plus if the world is a stage then who wrote the script? Is somebody going to tell me that things make sense they way they are all the time? If all this stupid junk is intentional then all I can say is the writer is sure nuts.

The other thing you have to wonder about is the exits. I don't find them either. And if there are some are they near the bathrooms I can't find either? That would be my luck.

I bet nobody else would think of the question of curtains either. Do you realize how big them suckers would have to be to cover the whole earth? It ain't like you can just mosey down to the local store and order a pair that easy.

Nope, I think the person who talked about the whole world being a stage wasn't just making it up. Probably thought it sounded good.

All I want to find out is where is the snack bar. I mean if the whole world is a stage then there should be one heck of a big snack bar somewhere. And if it is really big I can just imagine their idea of a big size would be even bigger too.

Then too I got to wonder is are we all suppose to be like players on this stage? If so who is in the audience or are we suppose to take turns?

Also I understand that actors are supposed to get paid. So far nobody has bother to send me a check. Well except this one guy who claimed he mailed me a refund on this ant farm I bought on the internet that didn't have any ants. Guess it must be taking a while. I reckon six months isn't that long for the mail to take is it?

Anyway, I was thinking that actors do belong to some gulp or guild thing. Not sure how you pronounce it. I only know that nobody ask me to join so far.

I probably try calling Hollywood and checking with somebody out there. At least they might say let's do lunch. So maybe I would get something to eat out of the deal and that would be a good thing.

You just never know with this kind of thing where they put that stupid stage goodie. I hate to think how it might have been left somewhere and forgotten.

Or perhaps somebody just got plain tired from lugging it around. I reckon that is where they get the name stage hand. Kind of like when you arm goes to sleep, only different.

Yep, you just never know for sure with this stage thing. All I know is they better not tel me I'm going to wear some stupid make up. Ain't nobody messing with my underwear no matter how much they say it makes things look better.

WHEN YOU'RE SMILING

I tell you with the bunch I run around with if they're smiling it isn't necessarily a good thing. In fact if you're down wind then you better be ready to sniff the air because they probably cut the cheese or thought about it at least.

So smiling might be a good thing for some people, but I'm not sure I think of it as a joy over where I work. And that is especially true if it happens to be dealing with somebody like you know old rat boy, Junior Hemoglobin.

That dude doesn't just cut the cheese the makes the air bad, he cuts regular cheese too. Only he never shares it, which I'm not sure I would want it if he did the way he sweats over stuff. Who wants a hunk of cheese from some sweaty hand.

Well enough about the good times at STINK. And we even manage a few of those in between the craziness.

But when it comes to stuff like smiling and other people, well I know it is normally a good thing. You know if you say happen to be in some movie that is a comedy and people are smiling, that is a good thing.

However if you are say out in the park on a rainy day and you see some goofus standing there without and umbrella and looking happy, I call that a reason to be concerned. You can be pretty sure he isn't smiling for regular reasons.

The thing is I guess I'm just extra lucky because to be honest I see way too many people like that at times. And when they are smiling for no good reason I do get a little concerned.

You do have to be careful though. Sometimes they do have a reason you don't know about. So it is nice to ask.

Now if they happen to say something like they are smiling because the polar bears just ate the moon and are ready to take over the world, I'd say they would be somebody you might want to avoid. Hey, you can shake you head if you want, but it happen to me once. And I did freak out at first too, but then ah, — oh never mind I guess. We all make mistakes at times huh?

The good news is that you know now from me sharing that part that you have one less thing to worry about. Which means you can go back to worry about other junk.

And the nice thing is knowing how I can make you life so much easier when I have a chance to share such wonderful little goodies. I consider it a service I do my fellow man.

Makes me happy to know when I can help. Well as long as I don't share it with my buddy Otis. He doesn't always treat these kinds of sharing as something that is as good as I do.

BEARING IT ALL

I guess I'm just going through one of those moments in terms of my posting. This whole bear thing just sort of was dragging through my brain way too much.

Anyway, I think I'm done with it once I finish this posting. With this one I want to get to the worst problem. First was the one you know wheel bearings and people who blame their wheels for getting lost. Then there was the problem of getting your bearings where I tried to help people figure out when they need to ask for directions or figure out how to get somewhere.

Well all of that is nothing compared to bearing it all. Now that is the worst kind of bear. I mean a really big son of gun of a bear that loves to stomp around in your shorts, fart in your face and generally make you miserable.

Okay, I ain't talking about a usual bear. Just another of those imaginary types that you invent like all those other things you imagine when you are board. Or it could be you know when you are stuck with somebody blaming you for doing something wrong that you don't want to admit you did so you invent somebody to blame.

Unless you are my bud Otis. He always seems to figure a way to blame a real person in a way they never even suspect is their fault. Anyway, it is too hard to figure that part out for me so I just prefer to just you know make it look like it was a real person. Hopefully I will never end up inventing a real, real person. Not sure I'm ready to get into that type of trouble.

Now getting back to this whole deal of bearing it all, I figure it sort of falls under the same category as when they say grin and bear. Which is okay I suppose as long as you don't mind grinning an looking some stupid bear.

Personally, I'm not in favor of that option myself. I mean it is such a pain to find a bear mask and sometimes if you accidentally forget and say have something sticky on your face well — I guess I said enough on that part.

In the meantime I think bearing it all is something that takes practice. I mean is sure a whole lot and not just a little so you do got be careful when you are bearing it all.

Plus there is the matter of the it part. About the only thing you can say is that it isn't a person. So if you are bearing it all then you know you aren't like having to make a fool of yourself in front of people. Just an it, whatever that happens to be.

So there you have. Just slap on a bear mask, and call something an it that you don't mind putting up with or long enough so you don't look like an idiot when dealing with others. I think that is a pretty good thing.

You just have to be careful not to forget it whenever you need to remember it, which is up to you I guess.

GETTING YOUR BEARINGS

Um I already talked about the crazy people who blame getting lost on their wheel bearings. But for the smart people who don't want to do that they can at times need help with finding places.

Now perhaps we need to start with really understanding what is meant by bearings. The word I think is first about bears. After all that is the first part of the word so they sure wouldn't start with it unless it was pretty dang important.

Which means that getting lost is a bear of a problem. And ing as in inning means its going to last till you finish striking out from looking in the wrong direction.

So getting your bearings means you finally got that bear under control that makes being lost such a pain. And ing counts for the end of an inning where you are going to get a chance to head for the locker room or dug out and then can feel relaxed again.

I just hope making that all clear for all of you is a good thing. I just don't want to worry that some of you are still out there getting your bearings because you didn't find that bear of a direction you were looking for.

The other thing you need to remember is that if you are getting desperate and decide to ask for directions then it is important that you make sure the person giving you the answer is facing north. That is because you can only count on them telling the truth if they are facing in that direction, which is why they call it true north.

Now fair is fair I guess, they don't call the other directions liars so I can say you will never be able to count on the other ones being truthful, but you just know for sure that if you want truth guaranteed they better be facing north.

I figure passing that part on is important so it will help those out there who might get confused on the bearing thing. I know it ought to be easy to figure, but there ain't any guarantees.

So now that everyone is straight on that subject I will sleep better knowing fewer people will end up lost and then have to worry about whether somebody is lying when giving them directions. Now if by chance you re unsure, which was is north, then just remember the rule about the sun setting.

The sun sets near my left side and rises near my right side. Just make sure you check to see which way it is setting to figure that out. That is unless, say, you are perhaps inside of a building.

Then you can look for some moss on somebody's knees. Or is it from a sneeze. Well in any case if you see some moss then you'll know that north is somewhere, which is better than you were off earlier. I hope all that makes sense. And will help you getting those bearings, wherever you need to find a bear.

WHEEL BEARINGS

I've heard of how some people work hard to get their bearings. Which I understand means they get lost and manage to find a way to stop being lost.

So I guess this is talking about when you are driving and get lost. Now why you need to blame not having your bearings on the car's wheels, I'm not sure, but apparently it works for some people.

That is okay I guess if you drive a lot and have a poor sense of direction. Personally, I don't have that problem. I always know where I am.

But then I was careful about making sure I had a way of not getting lost. So I found this street sign said one way on it. Well that worked for me since I only go one way at a time.

I figured since it was a public sign and I am part of the public that I would just borrow it. And so now whenever I'm not sure where I am I take it out and point it. Course it works out great since it always ends up pointing in front of me and that is a good thing since that is the way I am pointing.

But I guess that hasn't worked for other people so they just have to blame there wheels for getting them lost. Sounds pretty stupid to me, but I suppose as long as it works for them that is what counts.

The only thing I'm not sure about is why they worry about their bearings while driving getting rusty. That is the part I don't understand.

I say that because I hear this one person talking about hour he had to get his wheel bearings greased. All I can think is that in addition to being lost the person must have also had some squeaks in his car that he decided to blame on his wheels.

Ain't it amazing how some people can imagine the craziest stuff? You got to wonder about such folks, but you know as long as it works for them I think that is the important part.

As for me, well I'm not going to waste time pretending that my wheels on my moped were responsible for me getting lost. Besides what with that one way sing, I'm sure I won't have to fret over that problem too much.

I suppose I could make things easier for all those people who get lost and blame it on their wheels. I guess I could end up picking up a few more one way signs. Or I can add them to the group of other signs I have like stop signs and yield signs.

You know the one thing I appreciate is how people never did pay much attention to those sings anyway. I mean after I took that one way sign people just went down that street any way they wanted. Well some did. The others seem to go in the opposite direction and I guess wanted to practice bumper cars because they kept crashing into the cars going the other way. Weird huh?

PRESERVATIVES

I had this terrible thought the other day. I was thinking about all the preservatives they put in foods.

Now if these preservative do strange stuff to food, they do they do strange stuff when you eat them? But then I figured that probably wasn't the case since it would really be the kind of problem that would really get people pissed off.

Well that is providing they told us about what weird junk they are in the first place and I reckon they aren't going to do that are they? I know they got that government thing called the Food and Drug Administration. Or something along that lines.

What I want to know is how come they got the word food and drug together in the same place. And do they spend most of their time messing more with food or drugs?

I'm guess, but since they mention food first that is what they spend most of the time messing with. So you have to be curious on the drug part.

Only they don't seem too concerned with making sure we know the difference. You figure they would at least tell us.

Plus what happen if they get all confused some time and say can remember if something is supposed to be a food or a drug. Man that could be a disaster if you picked up a brownie and bit into it and got a mouth full of yucky pills.

Seeing how I spend a lot of time thinking about jelly beans I figure that I got a bigger reason to be concerned. After all they do look like pills to start with. So I sure hope those people over there don't end up putting all the good jelly beans in aspirin bottles.

Meanwhile in the preservative thing I also got to wonder if they spend a lot of time making sure they fill them in those jars full of fruit they call things like strawberry preserves. Only I don't know if I want to try them very much if it means you know they got extra in them for some reasons.

That sort of messes up my idea of what a great peanut butter and strawberry preserve sandwich out to taste like. But I guess there are ways around that problem.

Which is why I always add lots of good extra stuff to make sure my peanut butter sandwiches from any possible preservative problems. I do that by including stuff such as marshmallows, potato chips, fudge say, bananas (providing I'm not trying to watch the calories), cherries and whatever else will give it a real decent taste.

Oh yeah, I nearly forgot about including jelly beans. But after thinking about it I best double check them to be sure they ain't pills. That would sure take the fun out of my sandwich. And nobody who is going to put up with preservatives out to worry about the fun going away because somebody tried to pass off pills as fake jelly beans.

Thought for the week: "They say you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. But then did anybody ask the horse if he preferred soda pop?"

MICHAEL STOP ROWING

Okay what is the deal with this Michael character? How come he deserves having a song about him doing nothing, but rowing to some shore he never reaches? Is that a claim to fame that I just don't get?

Well, all I know is that Michael was somebody who could impress if he did all that rowing and somebody figured it was a good thing to put in a song. The way I figure it was probably those relatives they mentioned who went out to lend him a hand.

You know how some people are. Here is old Michael working his butt off trying to row that darn boat ashore and at the last minute a couple of freeloading relatives show up to probably help him like the last couple of feet.

They probably watched him the whole time and were running around making fun of him and then when they heard the singing, said, "Hey we got to get in on this action!" So there was poor old Michael, all sweating and tired and not even paying attention.

Why he probably didn't even know anyone was singing. So he probably thought at the time, 'man this is cool of my worthless lazy butt relatives to come over and give me a break."

I wonder if he still felt that way after they managed to steal some of his publicity, the lousy rats! I bet he didn't feel that cool when he had to listen to the song and for a little help they got mentioned.

But I reckon the good thing was they didn't get mentioned as being in the boat in the first place. Now that would have really frosted my cookies if it happened to me.

I guess old Michael was just happy to get that song written and sung. Even if they never did get around to mentioning if he actually made it to shore.

However, knowing how people are always so crazy about sequels, I figure sooner or later somebody will come up with Michael, Part II, the shore. Hopefully, he would be able to get the fame all for himself and not have to share that part with his relatives too.

The other thing I wonder about is what shore was he trying to get too? They never mention that part either.

It seems kind of important to me. After all, he could have been a lake or an ocean. They never make that very clear.

And if he was rowing towards some beach then you would have figured the lifeguards could have given him a break. Guess they wouldn't have wanted it know they were goofing off at the time.

Maybe one of these days you know old Michael will come clean on what really happened with his rowing thing. That way we can know if there were any irresponsible lifeguards or lazy relatives to blame for whatever.

MORNING HAS BROKEN

I heard this said in a song once. Now I got no idea how anybody could break a morning. Well I don't have an idea of how morning could need money either if you are talking about that kind of broke.

What I do know is that the dude who sang that song obvious was aware of what it meant to be broke. So how come he couldn't take the time to fix it? Instead of his rambling on and on about it being broke why didn't he just shut up and fix it or get it a loan on something?

That is the problem that bugs me with situations like this. You always got some wise guy out there who run around griping about junk and never ever do a thing to make things better.

So I think instead of shoot his mouth off about morning is broken I think it would have been so much better he could have said, "morning is under repair." At least that way none of us would have had to worry about what terrible tragedy might have been lurking from having a broken morning.

I still worry about how you fix a broken morning? It ain't like you can put a band-aid on it. Heck, I don't know where you would even find such a thing. I know they make some big band-aids, but I ain't ever heard of one that big.

Then what is if is broken like a broken leg? Man where did you get a cast to fit the whole sky? I don't even want to ask about that one.

What I get kind of concern over too is that nobody ever bothers to explain if we are like suppose to panic over this or what? I sure hate to think of all the strange junk that might happen from having a broken morning. I mean does that suggest something like dawn is all messed up too.

I did worry about that for a while, then it sort of occurred to me that perhaps the big problem with this is that the person doing all that singing might have just imagined it. You know how if you feeling good you can sort of start imagining things.

And you know if by chance say he woke up too early and it was still dark and he looked at the clock and misread it, well you can sort of appreciate how that might lead to some crazy ideas. Yeah, that makes a whole more sense than believing something as big as morning honestly got broken.

Anyway, I'm used to hearing weird junk at times. Maybe too much of it. But most of the time it seems I do know the really weird junk from the so-so weird junk.

So I reckon we don't have to fret too much that a broken morning is going to ruin our day. I mean that could happen I suppose, but for the moment I just think I'll play it safe an turn off my radio when that song comes on.

YOU HAD TO BE THERE

Man I sure hate it when somebody says this like I really have a reason to think if I was there I would have seen what they claim they saw. This mainly happens to me at work. The guys will be sitting around talking about whatever they did on the weekend and then after making it sound cool they will add that part about you had to be there.

Which I don't mind I guess except that this place they call there is never available for the next time. I mean when you say, "man that sounds cool, can I go there with you next time?"

Let me tell you they never say yes. Oh they always got some lame excuse for not letting me join them. But like I said it never ends up being a chance to go wherever this cool there happened.

If I didn't know better I would assume they are doing that on purpose. Over at STINK the other grimefighters all know I'm a cool and happening kind of dude. Yeah, I'm really classy when I'm around them.

So classy in fact that none of them ever tries to be as cool as I am. Oh they try to pretend that my coolness isn't that big of a deal, but just because they make some snide comment like my ideas are stupid doesn't mean I don't know how much they really wish they could be as cool as me.

Which is why I don't try to impress them too much with my wild weekends. I mean there is nothing to compare to the excitement of standing in line for an hour before the candy store opens. That way you can be the first one to get inside and have first pick of the jelly beans they just got in. Oh yeah that is one of those moments that ain't the same unless you have been there.

Most of them just never developed as good a gourmet sense as I have I reckon. So they never full get a chance to enjoy them like they should.

But that's okay, I mean I'll let them think that doing stuff like going out and skiing or to some trip somewhere be their idea of cool. I guess I do have to grant them a chance at their own limited ability to be really cool.

That is for all of them other than that rat boy, Junior. That dude is hopeless. No matter how hard he tries he will never be cool.

I guess in some ways he can't help the fact that he looks like a rat boy and that all he ever thinks about is cheese. I mean he could try to think in other terms some times, but it ain't going to happen.

So I will tolerate him tooling around in his dad's limo and thinking living in that big fancy house is an compensation for not having fresh jelly beans. Meanwhile, I'll be the one with the smile on his face at the candy store.

WHISTLE WHILE YOU WORK

I never do this. And the reason is because if I'm on duty as a grimefighter that would be stupid. I could hardly chase down some griminal or be out stake out very well if I was spending the time whistling. But I have a feeling I'm not the only person with a job that whistling ain't a good thing.

Like in a library, you just wouldn't want to have some dude making all that noise while you were reading. At least I wouldn't think it was cool.

Plus I bet you wouldn't find too many funeral directors that spend their time whistling during any funeral. I think that would sort of piss off the mourners and I figure they already have enough to be unhappy about.

I also don't imagine that policeman would do a lot of whistling while busting the bad guys. I mean I just think it wouldn't be a good way for them to make what they do seem serious.

That also brings up the issue of soldiers too. Would you want some dude lugging around a big gun who is suppose to spend his time blowing up stuff and massacring the enemy spending his time whistling? I don't think so.

Which sort of brings up the question of who in the heck is suppose to whistle while working? I think it mainly applies to say referees and umpires at sporting events.

Yep, nobody would complain if they whistle. In fact you sort of expect it. But as for the others, well shoot I'm just not convinced it is a good idea.

There are also coaches naturally. Again it is a sports thing. They kind of have to use a whistle I guess when they aren't yelling to get you to do better.

Meanwhile, I do have a whistle myself. And I'm sort of thinking I wouldn't mind using it for some reason at work.

I haven't figured out a way to work it in to being a grimefighter, but I'm thinking maybe as a garbage man it could work. Yeah, perhaps that would be cool.

I was thinking it might be cool to use when I'm collecting the trash. You know to sort of warn people that it was time to be sure they had their garbage out for me to collect.

But then I'm just not sure if everyone would feel enthused about having me blowing a whistle at five in the morning. Guess I could knock on their doors to ask them. Only last time I tried to ask them that way they didn't seem to enjoy the idea.

Well I reckon not everyone can be a morning person. But then with some people I'm not sure they are any kind of time person. But then perhaps I can change that with my whistle.

SAVE THE LAST DANCE FOR THE TOOTH FAIRY

What is the deal with dancing anyway? I mean you walk out on some big floor crowded with a whole lot of other people and then you start jumping around to the sound of music.

This is suppose to be fun I guess. And apparently even more so if you have a partner. Now my buddy, Otis, and I have done all kinds of cool stuff together, but there is no way we are going to take up dancing together. You can forget that idea if you even thought it, which I hope you didn't.

I tried watching some people doing this dancing thing once. It didn't seem like it was all that much fun too me.

First of all they guys had to wear these weird looking suits call tuxedoes. It made them all look like a bunch of penguins. That is a good thing?

Then there we the ladies. They were all dressed in these fancy dresses and had on those shoes with real high heels. Can it possibly be the least bit comfortable to walk around in those things.

Well I watched them stand around then take some time to do what they called dancing. It didn't impress me very much. Just seemed like a way to get all hot and sweaty while wearing something uncomfortable.

About the only thing I did notice that seem cool was that afterwards they went over and had some punch and cookies. Now that part made sense.

But I figured I'd be smarter than them. So I skipped the whole penguin look and hopping around and just went for the refreshments.

Seemed like I had just a good time that way. But then I don't know, they didn't seem to complain too much about the dancing.

I guess seeing how they were stuck wearing those lame penguin duds they didn't want to admit they were unhappy. So I couldn't blame them for pretending they were enjoying themselves.

I did try talking to this one guy. You know I tried to let him know that I was aware of what was really going on.

Seeing how he was dressed like a penguin I figured maybe I would talk about fish seeing how I know how penguins eat them. I tried to be nice and all, but I didn't get the impression that he was all that talkative.

But then seeing how I was happy and wearing my beanie and sneakers, I guess I could appreciate how he would be sort of jealous. I guess he spread the word to the others because after we had our chat he just sort of hung out with the others and none really seemed to want to talk much. You got to feel sorry for them to some degree.

MEALS ON WHEELS

I heard about this from Ramy Javis. He is the janitor over at STINK where I work. And he is a pretty cool guy even if he is ninety-four years old.

Anyway, the thing he is was telling me about how there are times when he gets his lunch from this meals on wheels program. Well, I got to be honest, Ramy is cool, but there are times when he sort of goes funny in the head and comes up with some pretty weird stuff.

I figure this is one of those times. Because personally I can't imagine how a wheel of any kind could be edible. Heck rubber is a lot of things, but I sure wouldn't of it as tasty.

Plus he was kind of vague on the part about what you sit the meal on. It is suppose to be a meal on a wheel. So does that mean you have to put one wheel on top of another one? I just kind of wonder you know if it would be all that easy to balance one tire on second one. How do you have time to hold it and have any free hands to actually eat it too?

Now I suppose that perhaps you know this might be one of those types of tires called a retread tire. I know when you re something it means you do it over. And tread is like walking on junk.

So I figure a retread tire just has to be one that people have jumped up and down on long enough to make it soft. Not sure how long you would have to jump on it to soften it up enough to eat, but I'm not that interested in finding out myself.

At least I can hope the tire is one that is bald. I sure don't want a hairy tire in my meal on wheels if I do decide to give this a try. The hair always ends up getting stuck in your teeth or it would seem like it would.

In any case I think I'll pass on that idea. It would be my luck I would end up with a tire that was in need of a shave or hair cut and that could get even more messy. Who needs that?

Then there is that stuff about what are called steel belted tires. Man who needs a tire that is got some belt made of steel around it?

I can't imagine how long it would take to cook something like that before it would be soft enough to munch on. Frankly, I don't think I want to find out.

Now I suppose you know a tire might eat better if you say put it in a casserole. But if you didn't cook it right, I bet it would real chewy.

Then I guess that you could even stick it in a blender perhaps. But then you might need to add some licorice along with the milk so it didn't taste too yucky.

Well, I reckon that will be a problem for Ramy to work on. Myself I'll stick to regular foods. At least you know it wasn't once on a car and maybe ran over something disgusting before you started eating it.

FREE ADMISSION

Okay, I get this. It means you get to go in somewhere that might charge, but you don't have to pay anything.

I can't help wondering though, if they aren't charging you for something they should charge for does it mean something is wrong? It is sort of like you know how they charge less for cans missing labels than for the ones with labels. The only problem is you got no idea on what is inside so you could end up getting something really crappy and that ain't a good thing.

The way I figure it I never pass up a chance for something free. I just want to make sure they ain't no catch. Say like once you get inside they want to zap you with some big expense for something else.

It is kind of like those deals where try to sell you something where you buy one and get one free. Now what if all I want is the free one? I mean shoot if they are going to give it to you for free then what is the big deal about expecting you to buy something first.

Plus you know I got to wonder also about if there is a place where they make you think it is free admission so you will go inside even though in reality it isn't a place worth seeing. After all they don't charge admission for stuff like going to the emergency room, but I doubt it would be a fun place to hang out from my point of view.

So I reckon that free admission is only a big deal when it counts towards places that you really want to go. And dang it all when they say free then it better apply to everything there. Otherwise it ain't really being free.

I hate to be picky on this, but the other day, my buddy Otis came home with these two free passes to the theater. I can't recall him mentioning where he got them, but I sure thought it was a cool deal.

So we went over to the theater and sure enough they let us in with no problem. But then I'm thinking well free should me free so that ought to apply to other junk too. Would you belief that the dude in the snack bar was do dang rude he wouldn't honor that pass when I asked for a couple of snacks?

I'm not talking a lot here, just a couple giant pop corns, two jumbo popcorns, six hot dogs, fifteen boxes of candy and a dozen bags of peanuts. Shoot I only asked for one straw. So I figured I did my part to be reasonable.

You would have thought it would have been enough to make that dude happy, but NOOO. He just sat there and demanded money for the snacks.

I tell you I sure did make fuss over his welching out on the free thing. At least I did get to see a movie for fee. But then I took the same coupon back the next night and they said I couldn't use it again. Talk about being other than fair! I tell you some people sure need a lesson on the subject of free.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK: "How come they call it 'Social' Security if they don't offer you lots of parties to go with the other junk? Sure doesn't seem that social to me."

TAKE ONE

I saw this as a sign in the lobby of this place I was at once. So I took the brochure and leaved through it. It was okay I guess. Although, it was nothing to brag about as far as I can tell.

The thing was a brochure about some resort place. Which was fine, but nowhere on the brochure did it say you could take a resort in addition to the brochure. I thought that was unfair.

As far as I'm concerned if you put a brochure in some clear plastic holder that has take one on it that means you expect to let people take one of what the brochure is about. But those creeps only wanted to let me have the brochure for free. They expected me to pay for the stay at the resort. Boy did I tell them what a crappy way that was to treat people.

Besides I wouldn't have wanted to go there anyway. I mean nowhere on their brochure did it show a decent picture of where they gave out some jelly beans.

And there is no way in the world I'm going to pay big bucks, we're talking over five dollars a night here, to stay at some place and not have them even give me a few lousy jelly beans. I ain't falling for that kind of crap.

You can be sure I told them that on the phone too. I won't bother to repeat what that lady on the phone told me, but it sure didn't give me any reason to want to sign up for visiting that place.

I suppose I might have even overlooked the business of no jelly beans seeing how they did have pictures of lots of other foods, but then they started talking crazy. Can you believe they were talking about how this place was a romantic pair of dice?

I ask you is that dumb of what? Who in the world is going to pay big bucks to go somewhere just to try and fall in love with a couple of dice? I guess they are too cheap to even let you have a pair of dice for yourself. That is because kept talking about how the pair of dice was a deal for couples.

Well it all sounds like a big rip off to me. So I passed on going there. If I want to go somewhere different I'll stick with the amusement park. At least there if they say take out it means take on for real and not some stupid big whopper about taking one you don't really get to take.

Funny how you can't even trust when people put things in writing these days. It just annoys me I guess that you got to go to all that trouble when they could put on that small clear plastic holder, take one Indian Giver style.

Oh well, at least I have warned other so they don't get suckered in by it. And it is like they say, a word to the wise is deficient. Hopefully that will make sure nobody else gets fooled by those darn brochures.

DOWN AND DIRTY

I've heard this saying before and I think it is kind of unnecessary. I mean it only stands to reason that if you get down in the ground you are going to end up dirty. What's so surprising about that?

The only thing I don't understand is when these guys talk about playing cards and use the term. What kind of moron stops in the middle of playing cards to get down and wallow in some dirt? Sounds pretty sick to me.

But then since I don't play cards I guess I don't have to worry about it. I might consider it if they didn't act so weird about potato chips. At least from what I understand they get kind of weird.

I'm not really sure how potato chips you use for playing poker are different than regular chips, but I know they must be a lot more expensive. Why heck I heard sometimes they are worth as much as five dollars or more a chip. What kind of knucklehead would think that is a good deal.

Shoot I can buy a whole bag of chips a lot cheaper than that. I wonder if they include dip with that price?

Then too I don't think I want to find out seeing how I heard the stuff the chips in a pot. What good does that do?

I sure hope they don't put anything like soup in that pot because it would end up making the chips all soggy. Who needs that.

Plus I think those poker chips must be hard on one's vision. I heard this one guy say that he lost his ass while playing poker.

You got to admit that if you go so blind you can't even see your own butt that something is really wrong with the chips. So I reckon I won't bother to try and eat any.

I suppose it won't matter anyway. I did go to one of those places once where they wer going to play poker. And the one guy started flipping through the cards, which he called shuffling them.

Then he asked me to cut the deck. So I went and grabbed this knife and cut them in half like he asked. After that they told me they had changed their minds about playing poker that night.

So I never did see the potato chips in the process. I've been waiting for them to play again. But every time I see the dude and ask about the game he just gets all red faced and says they aren't playing yet. Guess I'll have to wait a long time before I find out more about the chips and pots and junk. In the meantime I figured I can save a fortune over what they charge by buying cheaper chips in the store.

NOT ON A BET

Personally, I'm not much of a gambling. I mean in terms of like playing games such as poker. I might have given it some thought if it wasn't for this misunderstanding I had when I got a chance to play.

See somebody invited me to play poker, but didn't explain it was a card game. So I thought they meant a poker like the kind you use on a fireplace. I showed up at the guy's house holding the poker I bought. And I didn't want him to think I was dumb or something so when he opened the door I poked him real good with my poker.

He didn't seem to appreciate my trying to fit in I guess. Because he never invited me back anyway. Which was sort of okay since he and those other guys were always talking weird about some relative of theirs. I had no idea why they wanted to aunty up. They never said where they were going to up this aunt, but she wasn't there so I guess it didn't matter too much.

Anyway, I understand some people like to bet on horses. I heard they get all excited about deciding whether to bet wind, space or grow. Now I got no idea what any of those things have to do with horses, but apparently you can bet on them just the same.

I haven't gone to any of these places where they race these horses, but I hear they have a place they call off track betting. I suppose that is somewhere that they use to have something like say a train that ran off the track and caused a big mess. So instead now they let you bet on horses there. It doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me, but it apparently works for some people.

And I guess in between the times they spend betting somebody also loves to read. Because I heard this one guy talking about betting and how he knew the person there make book a lot. Seems strange they would need to spend time making their own books when you can buy them in lots of places already fixed.

But I guess if you want something to stay extra good for a while it makes sense you would want to make it into a book. I never heard what the kinds of books they prefer though.

I reckon it might be a book about horses. I mean if you are going to spend all your time being around where they race horses I suppose it would be a good thing to read up on them.

Not having been to any horse races I'm not really clear how far the horses race. I also wonder if they make them wear those weird underwear like you see athletes wear. I reckon if the horses don't mine I wouldn't either.

Oh well, I suppose I won't lose too much sleep over it. And as far as betting goes, well I think I do all my betting at the candy store. That way at least if I spend my money betting jelly beans will still taste like jelly beans I will always win.

THE HECK YOU SAY

The one thing I sure have come to appreciate is how people can say the most amazing crap. Sometimes they say stuff that is true too, which is the real pain when you aren't sure if they are telling the truth.

What really bugs me is when the truth is crazier that stuff that isn't true. That can really be a pisser, let me tell you.

I've been working hard at making sure I can tell the difference so it will make life easier. You know the less time you end up hearing crap the less time you have worry about whatever the crap happens to be about.

So for starters, if I take my buddy's Otis advice, then you don't have to listen to politicians, lawyers, television news reporters and salesmen. That sure is a whole lot of people.

But it is simpler not to have to deal with all those types. I guess that is a good thing. I am sort of trying to figure out the added stuff that you don't have to worry about either.

For me that includes, I bet you can guess, old rat boy Junior. I don't care if he is a nut case about cheese, I wouldn't even take his advice on that subject. Because that is one crazy dude and you pretty much know he spends all his time thinking about some kind of cheese instead of important junk.

So if you avoid him that will be a good place to start. Then you can sort of move on from there to the other people.

Now the only one that I have to put in a fuzzy category is the Reverend Analbe. I know he talks to God personally and all, but sometimes I kind of wonder about some of the junk he says.

I especially have trouble with the parts like when he says God told him to tell me to buy him a box of donuts. Well, shoot, normally it is more like four or five dozen. But that always seems to happen whenever I meet him. It does make me wonder if there will be any donut shops in heaven. I kind of have trouble imagining the Reverend enjoying it if there ain't any donuts.

At least I don't have to see him all the time. About the only person I see all the time is my buddy Otis. And normally I can pretty much trust what is says.

Well there are those times I am left scratching my head though. Like when he said the center of the earth is really made out of Spam. I kind of question that comment.

But since I haven't ever visited the center of the earth I can say for sure. So when he claims he needs to keep eating Spam in order to keep the center of the earth from breaking, I figure it is no big deal. As long as he doesn't take up eating jelly beans I'll live with his the heck you say.

STOPPING TO SMELL THE ARMPITS

Is this important or what? Oops, I guess I forgot to mention that I'm talking about smelling your own armpits. I wasn't suggesting you needed to do this with somebody's else's armpit.

That might be somebody's idea of fun, but not me. I was merely talking in terms of you know checking your deodorant. Which is extra important if you are going to be somewhere close to other people.

Of course if you don't do it there are ways to tell if your deodorant isn't working right. There are things like having the other person kind of sniff the air and then get a grumpy face like they just ate a lemon. That's always a big clue you ain't smelling like a rose.

Then there are the times when the person will be talking to you and give you some really lame excuse for running away. Believe me if they tell you they left a great white shark drying in a dryer at a Laundromat that is not reality. I know because I went to the Laundromat to check for myself and there was no shark there.

Now my motto is, "Be kind and smell real fine." Well it does work when dealing with somebody you care about impressing.

If you are talking about some creepy griminal forget it. Those jerks never use deodorant anyone. You can expect somebody who thrives on filth and grime to want to be thrilled with smelling good.

Which is unfortunately not something you can make as a rule. I wish you could, but griminals aren't the only ones who stink in the world.

I had to find that out the hard way. But then I guess bashing those couple of stinky guys just for general purposes was all a bad idea. And I'm sure it gave them a lot to think about to.

Although it is a pain not being able to go by the fire station for a while. However the other fireman would probably not thank me for straightening those two guys out. I just assumed fireman always wore uniforms. Oh well, live and learn I guess.

And in the meantime I plan on making sure I work real hard on my armpit etiquette book to help out people not so informed on such things. My biggest hang up at the moment is finishing the chapter on farts.

It's kind of a gray area in terms of smelling since you can't use deodorant that well to fix that problem. I don't count air freshener you understand.

Well, I'm sure I'll work it out sooner or later. No big deal because if I don't, I'll figure it out for my sequel volume about odors to live by. I'm sure people will be real anxious to read that one.

UP AND DOWN

There are lots of stuff that go up and down. Maybe more than we care to think about. Elevators, escalators, planes, hot air balloons and a whole bunch of stuff goes up and down.

I think it all started way back when that one dude, Sir I-suck-on-a-newton invented what he called gravity. Not sure what they did about keeping stuff on the planet before then, but after that fact everyone sort of was stuck with the idea, even if they didn't like it.

He was the one I think that said, whatever goes burp will become a frown. I got no idea what that has to do with the gravity thing or eating Fig Newtons, but it sure seemed important to some people.

The one thing I do know that when this Sir dude thought up is invention of gravity and was thinking about things going up and down he sure never had my buddy, Otis in mind. Because a lot of things might go up and down, but one thing I know is that Otis's weight sure never goes down.

Oh he does try different stuff to make it go down at times. Things like eating sugar free foods. But I just don't think putting sugar free candy on a big bowl of ice cream is really making a good choice.

I like the times when he wants to pretend his weight has gone down, so he takes off his shoes before stepping on the scales. Then he gets all excited like he really lost some weight or something.

That is okay by me because afterwards Otis will want to celebrate by ordering some big meal. Which works till he weighs himself again and then even without shoes his weight still goes up.

The way I see it though, it really isn't that big of a deal. As long as he don't check the scale every day then things are kind of cool.

So far though he hasn't gone along with my idea. I told him to just stick the darn scale up on the closet shelf and forget about it.

I think he is thinking about that one though. Maybe not hard enough to do it yet, but I have a feeling he will eventually.

And outside of his weight I can imagine once that scale goes up on that shelf it won't come down ever again. Guess that sir fella should have checked out scales and diets before he went around invented gravity. It might have made life easier for all of us if he had.

But I doubt it is too late to change things now. I imagine he has some web site or something where he blabbed about the gravity thing. And once it is on the internet we all know everyone will hear about it.

TURN LEFT, TURN RIGHT, NO U TURN

Man I'm convinced that the people who make signs figure everyone is an idiot. I mean do we really need a sign saying no u turn? I think you could make it better by saying, "hey, clown just keep going forward and keep your stupid mouth shut or I'll clobber you in the process."

Okay that might not fit very good on a sign I suppose. I guess I'm just kind of tired of seeing too much stuff that shouldn't have to be said.

There are just certain things in life that shouldn't need to be explained from my point of view. You know they are things you can count on no matter what.

Like everyone who goes to a movies knows that the bad guys can shoot straight and the good guys never miss. The bad guys run out of bullets, but the good guys never do.

It all is pretty obvious, the good guys just got better equipment that's all. I mean after all if you were selling bullets would you keep the good ones for the guy who will blast the bad guys or some bad guy who might use them on you?

That's another of those obvious things we all know we got to just understand without any need for discussion. At least I'm satisfied with the answer or meaning or whatever.

As for this sign business I wonder if you could replace them with something else. Like a giant hand that reaches out and chokes you if you screw up. Yeah, I bet people wouldn't do it again if that happen.

See that is part of the problem from my point of view, nobody is willing to come up with any really good ideas or alternatives. I don't think it would be that tough, I just think it is a matter of being reasonable.

Reasonable to me is when you get your point across in a way that everyone understands it without a need to argue. That is what I need a bat for. It sure cuts down on some arguments.

True with some people they end up not being willing to even talk to me after that, but at least we don't argue any more, which is a good thing from my point of view. I just wish they always appreciate my efforts.

It is funny how some people get so darn picky about you trying to simplify their lives. I thought I was being helpful myself. But like it is said, you can't please everyone.

Pity you can get them all to listen to reason the easy way. Well the real easy way is if i got one of those cool good guy guns that never runs out of ammo. I've been trying to find a catalogue, but so far I haven't found one. When I do that, man am I going to have one heck of a big order. Then lets see how people get in terms of being reasonable. I bet it won't take too much ammo to solve that problem.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK: "If they show the same sitcom on television more than once it is a rerun. So how come commercials are called reruns too?"

NO PARKING SIGNS

Talk about a sign with an attitude that is how I feel about these darn no parking signs. Don't we have enough to worry about in the world without some lame sign telling us what we can't do?

I mean the least the jerk who made up these signs could do is to mention where you can park. Just saying no parking is like saying "hey, take a hide clown," only they never bother to tell you where you can stop your car.

And believe me that really sucks in my opinion. Shoot it ain't like I have find some place to live or something. All I want is a spot to park my wheels while I do some shopping or whatever.

You would think that was no big deal, but not to these darn sign people. They just seem bent on ruining you day.

What also bugs me is how these signs aren't even in places that always make sense. After all what is the big deal about being able to park say in front of city hall?

Man they got these no parking signs in all kinds of places there. You would figure that they could cut people some slack on the idea.

Only they don't. Between those darn keep off the grass, no soliciting and other such don't type of signs it really isn't the most fun place to visit. And like it isn't as if I have to go there everyday. Just once and a while.

And what thanks to I ever get for stopping by to say hello? They give me some lame parking ticket.

Heck they don't even know how good I can park or not park so I sure don't think some reward of a citation for good parking can replace the places I can't park at all. Only they don't seem to care.

I don't know, I'm thinking I'm part of the public and so I should get to help decide where people can park. I figure I might take a trip over to city hall sometime and move a few of those signs to somewhere more important.

Like say over at the police station. Yeah, they are always into telling people what to do anyway and most people don't want to hang out there anyway.

So perhaps posting those signs there would make the place more sensible. The only part I'm not sure is whether you got to add say some parking spaces for with or without handcuffs.

However, I might not have to worry about that either. It just depends on if they are going to rent you a key or charge you that stupid locksmith feel they call bail.

TAKE A BEAVER TO LUNCH

I always here about these National whatever days where you are suppose to take somebody to lunch to tell them how great you think they are. We're talking things like National Secretary Day. Which is cool you know if you happen to be a secretary. but how come they never have any of these National whatever days for things other than the usual junk?

It sort of brought to mind the idea that these days would be great to have for things you otherwise never thing of as needing a day. Like for example, what about all the cute and fuzzy animals that live in the forest?

I mean we are told how we are supposed to be more kind to animals. So wouldn't it be wonderful if we could say treat them to a nice lunch?

Yeah, I mean beavers are supposed hard working animals. And they have a reputation for stuff like being real ambitious. You always hear of those eager beavers.

That might be fun to sit down in some burger joint and see if that beaver could show off why they are so eager. Might be good for a few laughs.

Anyway, I came up with a whole list of animals that you might want to include. A deer or two. Maybe some squirrels or raccoons.

I think I would have to be careful adding skunks though. Unless you could be sure ou were standing down wind. Those skunks could be kind of unpredictable.

And once we take care of all the animals we might try to branch out to stuff like trees and plants or perhaps rocks. Course since I don't imagine rocks eat very much I don't reckon taking them to lunch would be a good idea.

Still, I like idea of having all kinds of these take somebody different to lunch or dinner ro whatever. Not sure how you work out what kind of food they all love to eat. Can't imagine they all love burgers and fries.

I reckon you could order like one of everything on the menu to be safe. I mean seeing how this is a holiday it might be extra great to have the government pay for meal. Shoot they are always raising money of other stuff so why not this?

Well, I imagine if I tell my buddy Otis about this idea he'll find some reason not to like it. Which is why I decided to test it out for myself. So since I could get to the forest, I went by the pet store and got me a couple of mice.

Then I went over to STINK where I work and figured I would see how the secretaries did and showing the mice how to appreciate little animals. Boy I can't wait tell they open the drawers to their desks and see those mice in there. I bet it will make them so happy. Then I can ask them how they liked it. I imagine it will get me a nice reaction.