BEING AFRAID OF WHAT ISN'T THERE

Now my reply to people who say there is nothing in the dark that isn't there during the day is that they don't live where I live. Because there are all kinds of stuff like closet monsters who sleep during the day and then wake up after dark. They are just waiting for a chance to eat your face.

But them so-called experts on this that don't happen. And my reply is "oh yeah," well try explaining that to Dracula when he shows up and wants something to drink and I don't mean kool-aid.

Now there are other things I'm sure you only see at night. Only I think we sort of fall asleep a lot and never remember seeing them after the sun comes up. But that don't mean they don't exist.

So my feeling is that it is better to be safe than sorry. I mean, really, really, really sorry. After all it only takes one monster eating your face to ruin your day. And if that happens to anyone I bet you don't get a second chance without a face to say I wish I had been more careful.

Keeping lights on really does help. Unless you are using one of those night lights. Not quite sure I understand how that works. I mean whoever heard of a light that gives off night? Perhaps that is where they get the idea of black light. It probably comes you know from one of those black holes out there in space.

Now how it gets to the earth is hard to say. However, I bet it comes at night. Yep, that would sure be a big deal that I would want to have to cope with.

Which is why I don't go around saying that stupid stuff about there being nothing there at night that isn't there during the day. I'm not going to take any chances.

I sure hope if by writing this I can help save one person from ending up with Dracula sneaking up on them that I have done a good thing. You never know when that can happen.

Anyway for now, I think I'm going to be sure I lay in an extra bunch of lights. Not those darn night lights, but real lights.

I might even buy some candles too. Only they never work for me. I can never find the place where you put the batteries in them.

Plus I never see any switch to turn them on either. They do have this little string sticking out of the top at times, but you know I tried pulling it and nothing ever happens. Just my luck I bet I always end up with a broken one.

But that's okay because I do plan on making sure that I only stick with regular lights. And I even got me plenty of light bulbs too. I pick up some of those three way types at one point, but I think there is something wrong with the ones I got since they only seem to fit one way.

TEST FLIGHTS

Well this is one test I don't want to ever take. I mean is this something they do for birds or what?

I already know how I would do. I mean I don't care if you made me a couple of pair of wings, if you pushed my off a roof I ain't going to fly very far.

So that is what I can't figure with this whole thing unless you are talking about taking a test to see what you know about airplanes. You know, like maybe they show you pictures of different things to see if you know, which is a plane and which is something else.

That way if you go to the airport to fly somewhere and somebody tries to pull a fast one by showing you a cow and claiming it is a plane you won't get ripped off on the ticket. I can sort of see how that might be a good idea.

I thought it might be simple though. If it don't have wings, then it ain't a plane. But then I thought of those flying saucer things and figured that might complicate the test to some degree.

Anyway, I guess this is one of those things you only have to worry about if you are flying somewhere. Other wise I guess you don't need to lose any sleep over it. Makes me wonder what they do if you don't pass? Perhaps they only let you ride in the baggage compartment or something. That might be okay providing the stewardess doesn't forget to bring you lunch.

Now one thing I do know is that I ain't flying on any plane with any test pilot. If he ain't already passed that test you can forget it. I'm not risking my butt on flying with some dude that hasn't passed something like know the ground from the sky.

And naturally I ain't flying with any guy who hasn't passed landing yet either. That last thing I would want is to have my body squashed flat as a pancake when he was trying to land and didn't know how to use the air brakes. I think that is sort of important.

But I don't reckon I have any plans on flying any time soon as a rule. We normally don't get to fly to often as grimefighters. Generally the griminals do their messing on the ground and not up in the air.

Which is a good thing since I'm not sure how you use a broom on a cloud. Man I know my arms would never reach that far myself. And I'm not sure anybody else that has arms that long either.

Guess that is another of those test flight questions I'm not going to worry about answering. If I do, maybe I'll go out to the airport and have them let me talk to a pilot. As long as he's not busy taking a test though. Wouldn't want to keep him from passing the part on being sure he knows how to stop.

Thought for the week: "Brand names, brand new, bran muffins and branding. Hopefully, the first three don't require an iron. If someone tries to add an hot iron to those, run!"

COOL AND COOLER

It can be tough knowing the difference between these if you aren't real sharp on the subject of real coolness. To be cool is to do junk in a good way that is well, cool in terms of how it affects yourself or others.

Cooler is that thing you stick junk in to make it cold. Or it is how you feel on a hot day when sitting under and air conditioner long enough to keep from sweating.

Now you can be cool and not feel cooler. Or you can be feeling cooler and not really be cool.

This is really a lot more important than some people might imagine. Which is the problem. There are just too many people out there who don't have a decent idea of truly what makes a person cool.

In some cases I doubt that some people actually care either. That is what is worse. I mean it is really sad when you see people with a cool deficiency and think it is okay.

I do feel sorry for them in some ways. Because you might be something than rich or famous, but if you are cool then at least you got some reason to be happy.

Okay to help clarify this for some people you do need to know what kinds of stuff are cool. I could mention what is cooler too, but I think that is a little easier to figure since it starts out not being hot.

Anyway, with the coolness thing here is a partial list of good cool stuff as I see it. Beanies are cool as are jelly beans. In addition clean is cool and anything used to make things clean is also cool.

That is a good place to begin. Oh yeah there is also the issue of underwear. They are cool when they are clean also. And you wear them naturally.

See if you start with those the rest will sort of come along as you need to learn them. So just work on being cool by being clean and you will have a good jump and heading down the cool path.

At least from my view. Which is why I'm just about to go out and buy some jelly beans and wear my beanie in the process. And yes I do have on clean underwear. I did take them out of the dryer too just before I put them on.

Course they were warm. But that is the one type of cool that is cool without actually being cool.

Now I hope you all got that straight and can enjoy working on being cool. If you need extra help though all you got to do is start by getting a dust pan and broom for practice till you have a place that is cool by being clean.

GOT A LIGHT

I saw a dude in a movie ask that question and thought it was really stupid. Because it was the middle of the day and there was plenty of light going on.

Now what made it really dumb was that the dude he asked handing him a book of matches. Shoot, if you want any serious light everyone knows you need to use a flashlight, not some matches that don't burn very long.

I tell you some people sure got some strange ideas on this light business. Makes me think they spend too much time in the dark.

Which is probably why they have to ask for light in the first place since they don't have one of the good kind. So the way I see it this is probably a case of people who need to be educated on the benefit of a flashlight.

I sure don't mind helping them out if somebody ask. I know all about stuff like volts, which is where you have an election to see who gets the electricity. But if you don't go down and cast you ballot you don't end up getting any electricity.

That all started many years ago when a man named Thomas A Edsel invented the light switch. Then somebody said, "Oh my god, this darn thing don't work."

So they had to come up with something good and that is when a guy named Benjamin Frankgrin flew a cat during a storm and it got struck by lightning. I reckon it made that poor cat's nose light up and that is how we got electricity.

After than they had trouble making the electricity go round good enough so they divided it up into DC, which is Daylight Charge and AC, which stands for Afterdark Charge. That works out really good when you have to change you clock so you can either lose or gain and hour to give to Father Time. Guess he needs the light too.

I'm just glad I live in the now when you can go to a store and get a real light whenever you want. Maybe somebody needs to explain that too all the people who don't ever apparently understand this light business correctly.

And I think that goes for those darn people who make pop tool. That got some crazy ideas about what is a light.

Can you imagine that somebody makes a light bulb in liquid form and sticks it in a can? Man is that crazy or not?

I mean everyone knows lights come in boxes. I think it is some kind of law or something.

Anyway that is a big deal with some people who make certain foods I guess since they let you know if you buy their box of cookies or whatever this is a light inside. Guess you never can have enough light can you?

GETTING YOUR DUCKS IN A ROW

I have to confess that I haven't spent any time hanging around with ducks. So it is hard for me to really feel like this is a big deal. I know it is to some, but not to me.

I suppose it might be something I would get excited about if somebody would explain to me how ducks are so important in the planning of junk. Do they like have some secret meeting somewhere that they hold and are able to discuss stuff that affects us? Maybe that is where ducks spend time snooping around to check stuff out?

Yeah, I bet that is what they call duck hunting season. I wonder if it they have any special holidays during it? Never heard of any, but perhaps they like to keep them a secret so they can hog all the fun for themselves.

I heard this dude talking once about this thing he called a shadow government. And as best as I could figure there was some big shadow where somebody hides and controls junk. It only makes sense to me that these ducks that have to get into a row would hang around there. Heck who knows maybe their wings help to cause some of the shadows.

Now that I think of it, if those darn ducks are the cause of all the problems then if they are spreading their feathers it could be where they get that idea of police being the fuzz. I mean shoot with all those feathers floating around it could make it seem like fuzz if you didn't know any better.

I do have to confess I tried to figure this thing out once by spending time going over to this lake where I knew some ducks hung out. But I sat there for the longest time and no once did I see them darn ducks ever get into any kind of row. That sure is sneaky of them to make sure they don't give away when they do need to get into a row.

Well since I don't hang around in any shadows that much and never spend time with any need for duck rows, I reckon I won't let this idea bother me too much. But then I just hope they are doing something cool when this row thing happens anyway.

That would be really sad if say these ducks were lining up in a row to do something like shop for jelly beans. Then being in a row allows them more places to hide any jelly beans they find.

I know I'm not going to take any chances of those darn ducks stealing my jelly beans no matter how many meetings they have or how many rows they get into. Nope, I'm going to protect myself.

Which means whenever I got a big bag of jelly beans I won't go any where near any shadows. That way they can come out in some row and gang up on me.

Whew! For a moment I thought that would be something that required more reasons to worry. Glad I save and don't have to spend extra time finding a flashlight to shine into any shadows.

IN THE NAME OF...

Talk about name droppers! Jeez, this is so crazy. There are people running around doing junk and then blaming in on somebody else by saying they did it because of that person.

Now that is okay if you are talking about something cool. Like if you save the world and say you did it in the name of whatever that is a good thing.

However if say you cut the cheese in a crowded elevator you know darn well that if you is it was somebody else who did it that won't be a good thing. At least not for that person.

Over at STINK we do a lot of stuff in the name of the Spirit of Cleanliness. I got to admit that I have never actually met the Spirit of Clean, so I can't say if it was okay with the spirit.

But since we are only doing things to make things clean I don't reckon the Spirit of Cleanliness would be too upset. Although on those occasions when we kind of messed up I'm not sure the Spirit of Cleanliness would think it was cool.

There are a lot of other in the name of things, other than the big one used by Reverend Analbe who does stuff in the name of the Lord. Never thought the Lord was interested in donuts, but he seems to think so.

Anyway outside of that situation there are the other occasions when people do junk in the name of something. Like when I've heard it said of in the name of all that is holy and decent. They never give to me details on what is the holy or decent part so that can be kind of hard to sort through.

Then there is part the good guys say in movies where you have to stop in the name of the law. Not sure I know why moving is against the law in that sense, but it seems to be important as far as the bad guys go.

There is also the part about in the name of justice. Only they never tell you justice's first name or last name if justice is the first name. I mean when I hear them talk about justice they show me this statue of a lady wearing a blindfold.

But I reckon they feel it is important to be sure they call out in the name of since obvious that justice lady wouldn't know you were talking about her if she was wearing a blindfold. Seems kind of strange to me if you ask, which I reckon nobody has.

Well most of this in the name of business seems to work okay. But I don't care for when old Rat Boy, Junior Hemoglobin, starts talking about in the name of cheese. That's going too far if you ask me.

I'm just glad that we are able to shove some cheese in his face to make him shut up on this in the name of thing. I really don't want to hear that if I can avoid it. Besides if you try that on a bad guy he'll probably shove a hunk of cheddar up your nose.

OOPS, POOP AND CHICKEN SOUP

I heard somewhere that chicken soup is supposed to be good for when you are feeling sick. I don't think it is for all kinds of sickness, but more the kind that leaves you feeling pooped when you shouldn't feel that way. Like with a really bad cold.

Now what kind of bugs me is the one thing they don't cover with that is when you make one big oops and it leaves you feeling pooped from being depressed over the oops part. They never say if chicken soup will really help with those types of situation, but I guess it couldn't hurt.

What I'm trying to figure though is what is the thing about the chicken soup that makes it help with those types of situation. I mean chickens are okay and all, but are they somehow masters at soup making? I didn't even know they could cook myself?

And I reckon eggs figure in there somewhere since you seldom hear about chickens without somebody talking about eggs too. Which if they are talking about chickens doing cooking and it needs eggs added then I could understand the part better about wanting to know, which comes first, the chicken or the egg.

Personally, I don't like eggs too much. So it is hard to figure out why you would want to put them into any type of soup. But I reckon if chickens are doing the cooking they can pretty much put in whatever they want huh?

But then I also know that I've heard of chicken noodle soup. And I've heard of egg noodles. So as best as I can figure they probably take the eggs and somehow make them into noodles. I've personally never seen any noodles shaped like eggs, but I suppose since I'm not a big soup eater that they could do it and I wouldn't have seen in.

The one thing that really does kind of bother me though is that when I see soup in a grocery store it is always in those cans. And if those noodles are the size of eggs, man how much soup are you really going to get to eat?

They don't seem to be too worried about it as best as I can tell. People seem to buy the stuff anyway.

As for me, well I suppose I could give it a try. Only problem I found was once I got the can hot enough so the stuff inside would be nice and warm I couldn't handle the can.

Plus the other big concern I have is that I think those chickens are kind of crazy. I mean I put one can on the stove still sealed up so it wouldn't lose its flavor and sat it on a burner and then left to use the bathroom and then next thing I know there was this terrible explosion.

Man when I went back into the kitchen the place was a mess. There was all these noodles and liquid on the ceiling and walls. Didn't see any of the noodles shaped like eggs. Maybe it was just something those darn chickens said and were just kidding about. I don't think I'm going to cook anymore soup for a while though.

A CUT ABOVE

Now to me a cut is a cut. If you cut your finger it is going to bleed and it don't really matter where it happens, above or below on a finger it is going to smart.

I guess there are some people though how are kind of really seriously accident prone from what I can tell. And that is okay, kind of sad, but okay.

What makes it weird though is apparently they are more prone to get cuts above rather than below wherever they happen to get cut the most. That's because as best as I can figure when I hear Otis talking about the person he says they are a cut above.

Confusing to me is that my buddy Otis makes it sound like this is a good thing. Honestly, I have no idea how getting lots of cuts above whatever would make the person better somehow.

And what really bugs me is I even have tried to do the cut thing myself. Well actually I just put on a whole lot of band-aids and make Otis think I gut cut a lot. It sure was a lot less painful that is for sure.

But you know what, when he saw me he never once told me I was a cut above. Heck I worked so hard making sure I had band-aids all over. So you would have figured that he might have notice I had plenty of cuts above and even under for that matter.

All he did was stare at me and kind of snorted like it was no big deal. Boy was I disappointed.

The other thing though I guess I haven't worked out in that regard is how to heal quickly. I mean I saw this one dude that Otis says is a cut above and he wasn't even wearing a single band-aid.

I didn't see a single scar on him either. So he must be a real fast healer. Perhaps he's got some super fancy first aid stuff that gives you instant healing for cuts.

About the only thing that I know works real fast is super glue. Never tied it on a cut though. Guess it would work.

I think I better test it out first. Maybe I'll sneak over to STINK and put a label on the super glue from that bottle they use to put stuff on cuts to keep them from getting infected.

Yeah, then I can just wait till somebody gets a cut, which does happen all the time at STINK. Then when they use that stuff I'll see if it helps a lot.

I sure hope they appreciate my effort to help them. Man, I bet they will sure thank me after putting on that stuff and then putting a band-aid. I can't wait to see how happy it makes them when their cut gets better so much faster.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

Over at STINK when we get close to payday, but are all out of bucks, it is time for beg, borrow and deal. That is the big event of brown bag bartering which we do in order to spice up our lunch options.

In my case though I generally rely on my more sophisticated Bug's Bunny Lunch Box to carry my lunches. I think it is just a tad better than messing with those darn bags.

Plus you don't have to worry as much about any possible grease stains from say week old French Fries or some other stuff you are trying to dump off on somebody. But the principle is still same. It is a matter of getting someone to agree to swap their lunch for yours.

I just wish I could say that all the grimefighters I worked with were totally honest when it came to the borrowing part. They have been known to stretch the truth in order to make a swap of some kind. It is kind of sad to seem their resort to such tactics to get rid of something, but you know when you got ten cents to your name and pay day is still two days away you do crazy things.

I do have to admit that some of the ways I've seen people stretch the truth is kind of amazing. Like the one time this dude tried to pass an old hot dog off as a Twinkie by wrapping it in toilet paper. Boy I'm sure glad I didn't fall for that one!

Oh there have been other memorable moments too. Such as when somebody cleaned out this hamster change and tried to pass the stuff off as trail mix. Fortunately, he fessed up about fibbing before I put a handful in my mouth and — um, you get the idea I bet.

Anyway, things can get kind of weird in those moments. But probably the worse is the day before payday. Talk about slim pickens!

Man that is when you can depend on stuff like peanut butter and (I'll let you use your imagination for what gets added other than jelly) or sometimes a mayonnaise sandwich. Those sure require a lot of creativity to eat and pretend there is something on them other than mayo.

Sometimes we do get down to the bare minimum at our apartment too. That's when Otis decides that stuff like popcorn is a good lunch. I'm just glad we've never gotten to the point of making tuna fish sandwiches from a can named Friskies though like one guy tried.

Well, I mainly mentioned this since we getting close to the end of the pay period again. I just hope all the guys checked the calendar this time. There is nothing sadder than seeing some super hero grimefighter who misjudged the days and ends up begging for lunch. It just don't look right. Plus the guys have a tendency to make me feel stupid when I — um, happy lunch to one and all, with or without a lunch pale. May all you lunches before payday be other than from a can with the name Friskies or Alpo on it.

Thought for the week: "Are turnovers, leftovers you put somewhere other than left?"

TAKE OUT VERSES TAKE IT AWAY

The one thing you know with both of these it that they involve taking. Only the first one is where you get to do the taking and the other is when somebody else like the government does all the taking.

One big difference to me is that with the first one you do have to pay for taking. So you do the taking, but it ain't for free.

Now what I want to know is how come the government gets to take away our money in the form of taxes, but they never have to pay us like we do with take out? It just seems kind of unfair to me. Seems like they ought to have to pay something to us for doing that.

But then I know what would happen if we made a big deal about it. They would make us get a bunch of bags to put the taxes in and all kinds of other crap till you went crazy doing the stuff they wanted and that wouldn't be cool.

Plus could you imagine having to put up some menu in your house where you listed the prices for them taking your taxes. I bet that would suck too.

In the meantime at least I can try and enjoy the take out thing. I just wish they had some kind of take out deal for stuff like jelly beans. Well I guess they don't have to cook them like pizza so take out does count at the candy store, kind of.

Gee, I wonder if we could get this whole take out thing improved on someway? I bet we could make it a little more fun.

I know, we could say take a little time to do something like say combining take out places. Perhaps stuff like a take out pizza joint and Chinese place. Hmmm, I wonder if they made pizza flavor fortune cookies if that would be a good thing?

I can't say for sure, but maybe I'll work on it. And perhaps I could get the government to help in some way. I mean shoot they do got all our money and if Otis is right, they never do anything good with the money anyway.

Only I'm not really sure who to check with in the government. But I bet they got a department for it of some kind.

Maybe I'll call up the government and ask them. Yeah, I bet with all the help they got they have to have somebody out there that gets paid to answer questions.

About the only government place I can think to ask at the moment is the local Armed Forces recruiting office. But I'm sure they won't mind if I call.

I'll just make it sound like it is related to defense in some way. Well, let's see we are talking about take out. Er, I'll say something about a possible take over. Yeah that will work. I guess I better toss in the word hostile to make it sound better. And I know, I'll say it is about our Mayor so they will think it is important. That ought to get their attention.

ADOPT A HIGHWAY

Do you know anyone that actually wants a road as a relative? I've know a few people that I would not want to hang out with any more than a road, but I've never met a road I wanted to have as a brother or cousin.

Shoot, I didn't even know that roads needed a family? It wasn't like I had seen any of them looking lonely. But then I have to admit I've not spent much time staring at roads or talking to them either.

Apparently though it is a big deal in some places because I see the signs along the side of a freeway saying some part of the road was adopted by somebody. Makes me wonder if they get some extra benefit somehow for calling that part of the road a member of their family.

All I can say is that it sure would seem kind of tough too me to bring any adopted highway to a family reunion. I mean if you went over and dug it up and took it away wouldn't drivers get kind of pissed when they fell in the hole you left behind?

So what if you decided instead to say have the family reunion over at the part of the highway you adopted? Man how you could do anything fun if you were constantly having to get up to dodge some cars?

Well the one thing I have observed that those adopt a highway signs normally mention the name of some company. Gee I wonder if this is some kind of strange employment deal?

But what kind of work can a highway do? And would you want to make some road you adopted do any work. It could hurt its feelings, providing it actually does have feelings and that is hard to say for sure.

I do wonder if anyone else has given this adopting thing that much thought? I mean in terms of all the questions it might cause.

If they have they haven't bothered to put the information anywhere near the adopt a highway signs, which you would figure would be the best place to check it out. Oh well, maybe the don't really want us to know.

I had thought of asking those dudes who were those orange vests and spend all their time putting orange cones on the road. I thought maybe they would know on this whole deal. I just haven't had a chance to catch up with one of them.

They are kind of friendly though. Whenever I drive near them they wave a red flag to say hi.

Well maybe one of these times I'll be able to find out what the big deal is. Yep, I'll just stop and ask one of those orange vest dudes if that road is his brother. I bet that will get his attention.

FOR BETTER OR A TUMMY ACHE

What I want to know is what sicko came up with the idea that all the stuff that is suppose to be good for you would taste like crap? Now I may be unfair to those weird people that think eating healthy means eating only stuff that to me doesn't taste any good, but honestly wouldn't making the stuff really good tasting go along way to make it actually something you would want to eat?

Anyway, I guess my big thing is not so much about food that is suppose to be good, but tastes bad. I'm more thinking that the same people who made that rule also applied it to medicine.

Now you would figure if you needed to take something to help you stop being sick that somebody might have figured it was a good idea to make it where you would want to take it. But noooo, they got to make it so disgusting that it almost makes you sicker to take the stuff.

Where is the good in that? I'm really struggling to understand. Honestly I would really like to, but so far if I get any medicine for being sick the last thing that seems to happen is it taste yummy at all.

Sometimes they do give you a break and make it some pill. Those can be tolerable, but kind of boring.

I figure that could be more fun if they made them in the shape of jelly beans. And perhaps even made them taste like jelly beans too.

Why shoot, I bet the first making dude who did that would end up being rich and famous in the process. Yeah, that would be so cool.

But as usual, even though that is a fantastic idea those darn pill folks are just going to keep making them look ugly and without any good taste. I think it must be some form of hate for jelly beans.

Perhaps when they were kids somebody stole all their jelly beans and that is their way of getting even. I can think of a few things they could do that would work better, but I doubt they are going to ask my opinion.

Which is why until they do I'm working on a plan to make sure I never get sick. And since I think you know that jelly beans should be want pills look like, I just try practicing like I was taking some medicine pills by eating jelly beans whenever I can.

I can't say it always keeps me from being sick, but so far it has worked pretty good. Well that is providing you don't count those couple of times when Otis said I got sick from eating too many jelly beans. I think he was just over reacting. He said passing out from eating too much sugar is not a good thing. I just felt it was one of those unexpected naps you need once and a while. It is just too bad I ended up with a headache after taking that nap.

WHAT AIN'T THERE

My buddy Otis is always talking about how you never need to fear in the dark because there is nothing there in the dark that wasn't there in the light. Well he can say that all he wants, but I'm not that convinced.

I've seen enough monster movies to know how they love to be so sneaky and hide when the light is on and then wait till the dark to rush out and eat your face. So just because he has lucked out and not had that happen yet don't mean it doesn't happen.

Whenever he says something stupid like that just before turning out the lights, I just do my best to ignore it. However, I also take the time to protect myself just in case those sneaky monsters decide to play some dirty trick after the lights go out.

I tell you it takes a little practice to be sure that I'm protected without Otis ragging on me for being silly. I know that one big defense against stuff like vampires and those types of jerks is holy water.

Now the big problem with that is finding any water that has wholes in it. That is really tough.

I heard they supposedly keep a bunch in churches, but when I asked the Reverend Analbe where he kept his supply he just started rambling about sinning as he normally does. So I figured he wasn't going to share.

I have tried to use regular water, but to be honest I can never get the hang of being sure it has a whole. I can make on in it, but the darn water won't behave.

So the only solution I could think of was making a whole in whatever the container was that I put the water in. That way if it went through hole I figured it would the same.

Course the big problem was that once I put it in a container that leaked I got worried that it wouldn't stay as holy water if it went from that container to one without a holy. I didn't want to risk you know it losing the holy part from getting confused.

So what I did was put a hole in the container where it had to go. Then naturally I had to also turn around and make sure it drained into something.

But that meant the thing it drained into that had a hole would also leak. So I ended up putting that into a regular container that didn't have a hole till I could fill it up and pour it into the one that did have a hole again.

All I can say is that I spend all night taking that stupid water and pouring it from one container to another. Let me tell you that was no fun. So I don't think I'll try that again.

Plus I did fall asleep at one point and the water ended up on my mattress. I didn't enjoy having Otis think I wet my bed, but I really didn't want him making fun of me for the vampire thing either. So I put up with that reputation this time.

BEEN THERE, ATE THAT

Sometimes even I get bored with eating the same wonderful foods. You know burgers, pizza and tacos are all fabulous, but every once and a while, I just want something different.

Now for me different is like finding a new burger joint or pizza place. I mean they might have a new way of grilling a burger. Of course, you know you do have to be careful when you say that though. Because there are places that get really crazy when it comes to how they fix a burger.

I'm sorry, but I prefer mind cooked and smothered in good stuff like ketchup. I don't want to have it fixed some way that makes it look or taste like other than a burger.

And I don't some lame sandwich that somebody says is just as good as a burger. That don't cut it with me. It just down right sucks.

My rule is that if there is no grease stains on the paper wrapper then it wasn't grilled. And that means no of those darn nasty germs were killed that love to hang out in real food.

I'm not saying I don't enjoy sandwiches other than burgers. Some are okay. Peanut butter sandwiches are okay.

The only problem is that it takes a lot of work to make the peanut butter sandwich actually decent. You can't just put some peanut butter on a piece of bread and call it a sandwich.

See the way I figure God did invent peanut butter to be eating in a sandwich without you got a chance to add something else. Don't get me wrong. Peanut butter does taste good. But it is just when you put it on bread it tastes kind of dry. So it just needs help to make it really cool.

For me a decent peanut butter sandwich needs the addition of a good type of jelly like grape so you can get your fruit with it. Then it needs something to give it a little extra zing so it don't get boring. That requires something like a few potato chips on the sandwich. I recommend about say two bag per sandwich once you smash them good.

Then you may have to improve the flavor with something like some hot fudge sauce, a few marshmallows and whatever else with turn that sandwich into a balanced meal. That means it has to weigh enough so it makes you feel full when you eat it.

I guess the important part though with this is the word variety. Your tummy just has a right to get bored as much as anything or anyone else.

And if you work it right then you can actually have your cake and eat it too. (Providing you don't get so big of a slice it won't fit inside the peanut butter sandwich.)

THE WILD BLUE YONDER

Okay where exactly is this yonder and why is it blue or wild? I mean is this suppose to be a good thing or what?

I feel like it is an important question. After all if this yonder place is cool and lots of fun I sure would enjoy going there. Only I just have no idea if it really is that great.

When I heard somebody talk about it all I know is that they do so when talking about stuff like the Air Force. So I guess that means the place it own by them for some reason. Which means it is probably some kind of airport or military base. Shoot it might even be that secret place nobody is suppose to know about, but everyone knows the name of called Area 51.

I always wondered about that too. I mean is this somehow different from the first 50 areas they must have. But then I known how it is, sometimes you built junk and screw it up so you have to try again. I got to admit 51 times sort of suggests they got a pretty lousy person doing the building, but that ain't my problem.

Anyway, wherever this yonder place is apparently it also involves a bakery. That is because whenever I go to that place where Reverend Analbe has his meetings on Sunday we end up singing a song about when the roll is called up yonder.

And seeing how much that the Reverend loves donuts I reckon it must be a glazed roll or jelly filled. In either case you can bet they must be something if you have to have a waiting list to be called just to get one.

I do wonder though, seeing how it is called the Wild Blue Yonder, if perhaps there are times when the donuts are a little messed up for some reason. Like somebody put something wrong in the mix before they made up batter or cooked them.

That means when you eat it that it makes you a little wild or depressed as in blue. Sounds kind of yucky to me.

So I think for now I won't go out and try to find this yonder place whether it is wild or blue or whatever. Besides, since you have to apparently fly there then I don't want to go just because I don't like flying.

I have felt that way ever since I went on this one place and somebody tried to stuff me into what they called the first ass section. Well hey, I might be a lot of things, but nobody is going to go around calling me a donkey or mule, even if I'm the first one they did that too.

When I made a fuss about it they tried to stick me in what they called coach class. Well shoot I figured they were making that part up since I looked around and didn't see any stagecoach on that plane anywhere. Ever since then I figured I would just not try flying till I found somebody on one of those planes who didn't like to play mean practical jokes.

CAR POOLS

I'm not really sure I understand this whole deal about car pools. I'm figuring it is some kind of giant car wash where you take your car to get wash. I just haven't found it yet.

I decided there must be some big secret about the location that isn't for everyone to know. And it has something to do with the freeways. That is because they do have a car pool lane on freeways. So that means I would assume that it leads eventually to a car wash.

All I can say is man that car wash must be a really far way away because I got in the car pool lane once and we went for miles and never did come to the car wash. Plus it is probably one of those types you drive you car through instead of getting out.

I say that because I noticed the car pool signs talk about having to have at least two people in a car. So I figure that means that one person drives while the other person hangs out the window and tries drying the car. It sounds a little dangerous, but then that might be why they need their own lane on the freeway.

Not sure for myself it having to drive that far just to get your car washed is worth all that hassle. But then with my moped I don't worry about it that much. With it a sponge is enough to keep it clean.

However, someday I might decide to get a car and then I'll worry about it more. I do know that if I do I'll also want to spend a lot of time driving on those places that pay you to drive on them. They call them toll roads.

I'm not sure how much of a toll they pay you to go on them, but I hope it would be enough to make the payments. Only right now I have to wait to check it out for sure.

See I sort of had this misunderstanding on the issue of a driver's license. Somebody came up with the weird idea that you can't have one unless you go to this place called the DMV. I mean I can drive and there are plenty of places to get a license if you just want a piece of paper that has the word license on it.

But these darn people over at the DMV have the nerve to say you can't drive unless you have a license from them. Boy is that dumb or what.

And man do they have some weird rules. First all of you got to pass this test on rules about driving. What the heck is up with that? What more rules do you need beside making sure you know how to stop when you want to stop and to push on the gas to go? Sure seems silly to me.

And if you do get through taking that stupid test the next thing they make you do is take a driver's test. Why they even expect you to provide the car. I mean if they want to make you take the test you would think the least they could do is provide the car. But NOOOO!

Well if do survive all of that then they insult you by wanting to take you picture. I figure they like to show it off to their friends to make fun of you for being stupid enough to put up with all that silly stuff.

Thought for the week: "Being socially unpopular is when any part of your body smells other than you nose."

BILLBOARDS

This is one of those things where I think they have the name just right. First of all I think they are boring. And I certainly figure anything that bores you is something that somebody should have to pay for.

Only problem is whatever the bill the person is paying isn't enough. That's because they keep putting those stupid things up. So obviously the bill isn't that big or the person would give up plastering some stupid stuff on those big things next to the roads.

I don't think I would mind if they put something worthwhile on them. You know, like a treasure map to where a fortune in jelly beans is hidden. I could go for that. But then I know if everybody saw it then that wouldn't work either since it would mean way too many people would be looking for the beans.

However that might be a good thing since if they were all out digging up the treasure it would mean fewer crowds on stuff like the freeway and I could live with that. Although i don't think I would like the idea of less crowds if it meant somebody else got all the jelly beans.

In any case I wish before they got all jazzed with these billboards the way they are somebody would ask my opinion. First of all I don't like those billboards that only are good for some people. You know like the ones that advertise products that are only used by say old people.

Seems like if we all have to read them they ought to be about important junk we all get to used and want to use. That is important too, it ought to be about stuff we want to use.

Showing stuff we have to use is like reminding a person to take out the trash as far as I'm concerned. You know you have to do it so why have somebody tell you about it?

And that last thing I want is to see something like that in real big letters up on some huge sign. Like that really helps. It sure doesn't help me.

So how come these dudes who are getting billed to bore people save a little money and stop boring us by taking the time to ask in the first place? Guess if you love spending money on things that bore people then you aren't smart enough to figure that part out anyway.

Oh well I suppose you just can please everyone. Which I think most people have figured out anyway.

I think it would be nice if they at least tried to please a few people instead of boring everyone. That is the part I haven't got figured out.

I suppose I will have to wait till the day comes when I can one of those knuckleheads putting up a new picture on a billboard. I just hope I can get them to listen seeing how they must be really tall to be able to reach those boards anyway given how high off the ground they are located.

OUTDOOR ADVERTISING

What I want to know is why does anyone need this? Do they like spend every second indoors and not know there is an outdoors so you have to advertise the fact? Jeez, that sounds so dumb to me.

Plus I always thought you know that advertising was something they did to sell stuff. Since when did they have to sell the outdoors? Are mountains and trees for sale these days? I haven't seen any signs if that is the case.

I also would sort of wonder how much they would charge for stuff like air. I sure hope it isn't much because I have to use it all the time and that could cost a lot of they made it expensive. Besides I thought God owned all that stuff. Did he suddenly go into the outdoor business and I missed it on the news?

It just seems like one of those questions that is fair to ask. I sure wish they would do a better job of making these kinds of things clear. That would help cut down on the confusion from my point of view.

And if they are going to advertise the outdoors are for sale does it mean pretty soon they will be making you pay for indoors too? Well we sort of do that already I guess with having to pay rent and all, but I don't know that seems a little different.

I mean nobody has to tell you that there is an indoors. And you don't have to tell us that you got to pay for it either.

So I reckon there must be something different about the outdoors that you have to be told about them. I'm figuring that it might have something to do with bugs.

Yeah, see with outdoors you know dang well you end up with all kinds of flying and creeping things. It can be a real pain in the behind.

So if that is the case I reckon it would be good if they advertise the outdoors so you don't just think of it as a place for bugs. Still, I'm not sure it will work that good once you've been outdoors enough times.

Oh well, I think I'll keep and eye opened and see what I can find out about just where all this advertising is for. I mean perhaps it is a trail that leads you to somewhere cool like candy store. Now that kind of advertising would be worth it.

But if we are talking some advertising that wants to convince you that messing with bugs and trees and bears or beavers then forget it. I'd rather just not go stomping around some bushes and be surprised by some stupid bear who thinks he wants to turn me into a pretzel or worse.

I bet those people who are hung up on this whole outdoors deal don't even think about those things that much. If so, you don't hear them mention it do you?

DO IT YOURSELF

I like doing stuff for myself. Most of the time, providing it is something fun. But from what I hear this is mainly about fixing junk.

I ain't much for fixing stuff myself. Although I guess considering how good I am at breaking junk I ought to check it out more.

Now my buddy Otis loves to think he's good and fixing all kinds of things. Why shoot sometimes he fixes things so darn good they just never work again.

Then he starts explaining how we really didn't need them in the first place. Which lasts till he decides we need a new of whatever got broke that he fixed and doesn't work any longer even though he says it is fixed.

Anyway when I really want to get something fixed I normally take it over to STINK and have the maintenance dude check it out. Mac is really cool and understanding how stuff is supposed to work. That is as close as I try to come to honestly seeing that I do it yourself with the repair thing.

I do got to admit that every once and a while I get kind of sneaky and I'll tell Otis that I'm going to fix something and then I end up taking it over to Mac to fix. I just don't tell my buddy that I did that part.

It sure is fun though seeing Otis looking so befuddled when I bring the thing back, whatever it is and it actually works again. I just stand there and try to keep from smiling while he keeps scratching his head. That is fun for me.

But I have been giving a little thought to the idea that it might be nice if I did learn a little about this do it yourself thing. So I think I'll go over to the home improvement store and talk to one of those handy and helpful clerks.

That is providing I can find one. They never seem to be working when I go in there. All I get is the snooty and snippy clerks.

And I sure what to avoid questions of those jerks. Like that time when I just had a question on a screwdriver. Boy did they give me a hard time.

I mean they call it a screwdriver and all I wanted to know if you needed a license to use it. I mean you need a license to dive a car. Plus from what I could tell you don't actually drive any screws with it anyway. So I figured it ought to be called like a screwyscrewer or something that made sense.

That sure didn't get many thanks from those guys when I pointed that out. So I ended up showing them that I did know how to use a hammer. Which is the one kind of do it yourself I do real good. But then I've had plenty of practice bashing things and heads are a big enough target that you don't miss them very easy.

THE SIDELINES

This is a big deal I guess with that sport football. They seem to be extra concerned with sides and ends and all kinds of stuff. Why not only do they have lines marked off for stuff like ends, but that isn't enough. They call some of the players end too.

Although they don't seem concerned with having players called sides. Now they do tackle people and also guard them so they got players called tackles and guards. But what is confusing to me is how come they have both a tackle and a guard next to each other. What is up with that? Seems kind of pointless to have them next to each other if you ask me, but then nobody is asking me naturally.

But they got all these dudes who are in what they call the backfield and they all have back as part of their names. So how come none of them has a front? It doesn't make sense to me that you could have a back and no front, but I never hear of them having any front players.

Anyway another weird thing to me is they call them side lines, which in work is something you do part time, but the end is known as an end zone. That don't make a lot of sense either. Shouldn't it be both end zone and side zone or side lines and end lines? Who makes up this stuff anyway? I got no idea.

But when I think about it you know the one thing I appreciate is that you can't honestly expect some sport where you got dudes dressed up like bulging giants who spend the whole time doing nothing, but beating each other up to really make sense. I figure all of that trouble just to you know play with some little ball is kind of weird.

And that is another thing that bothers me. How come they call it a football when it doesn't look like a foot in anyway? Plus they spend most of the time holding it or tossing it so shouldn't it be called a handball? You got to wonder.

But I reckon that isn't up to me. And I can't help thinking to myself that you know the big deal here is that a lot of the stuff with these guys probably came up when they took their helmets off while still playing.

You know it probably was hot and nobody had much chance to think about it and one thing lead to another and before you knew it somebody got clobbered while not wearing his helmet. Then he had one of those deals, which seemed like a good idea even if it sucked and before you knew it the other guys thought it made sense.

Then after a while everyone thought it was cool, even if it was stupid. That is how it all begins I guess.

Which is all fine and good if somebody admitted how that was how it all started. But instead they probably just sat down and decided it was okay to the point nobody took time to appreciate it was dumb and stupid.

But then what can you expect from some game where you have these duds running around in black and white pajama tops who blow whistles before they raise their arms to show how well their underarm deodorant is working. Guess as long as it makes them happy that is the important thing huh?

THE FLIP SIDE

Ah, this is so cool. Well it is to me when you are talking pancakes. Oh yeah, the flip side is important because that is when the pancakes are done on one side and you are just waiting for them to be finished on the other side.

At some table nearby you got the good stuff. The butter, syrup, milk and naturally plates and silverware. I did try going naturally once by you know not using a plate and eating them with my hands. Trust me that isn't fun. It sure is sticky. Man it takes forever to get that syrup off your hands.

So in case you were thinking of trying it, just take my word for it, that ain't a good option. Stick with tradition in that regard and you'll be a lot happier in the long run.

Now that I have shared that little detail let me also say that from what I understand some apply this flip side idea to other stuff. I can sort of understand how you would want to do it with say eggs too. And I guess if you want to be picky just about anything that you need to cook on two sides like burgers.

But I guess pancakes are the first thing that comes to mine for me. Not sure why, but it is.

What kind of surprises me is how some people would try and say this has something to do with other than food. I find that really amazing.

I mean what do you worry about having two sides other than stuff you eat? Okay I guess there are some things, but do you have to deal with them every day?

That I can't say for sure. I guess there are things like business cards where you would have a reason to look at the flip side. Maybe like if you had a reason to scribble something on the back then you would worry about flipping it over, but since I seldom worry about cards I don't give that option too much choice.

Then there are coins I reckon. Those you toss when wanting to make a choice. The flip side can be either heads or tails. Only I'm not sure if one side is officially considered the regularly side and which is the flip side since you always got to pick when flipping the coin.

But tossing coins ain't something you do every day either. So again I don't count it as being that important in terms of all the time.

Which some might make fun of me for thinking in those terms, but you know eating is something I have to do every day. So you'll pardon me if I think of flip side in that regard where my brain might need to deal with it all the time.

Maybe that is one reason I like jelly beans. They don't have sides I have to think about very often. I just get to eat them. And no dishes to do either. But in any case, flip side still comes up because jelly beans are cool, but no matter how much I like them, I got to eat other stuff from time to time.

THE LIGHTER SIDE

I take this to mean as opposed to the heavier side. Only I get a little confused because I saw it related to a comic strip in the newspaper and couldn't tell which side of the strip was heavier than the other. Got to admit though I was sort of busy laughing at the stuff in the strip so I couldn't concentrate on how much it weighed.

Then I thought perhaps this had to do with light bulbs in some way. Which is okay I suppose if you are worried about light for some reason. I never do. When I flip a switch at home the lights always come on. Well, except for the time that Otis forgot to pay the electric bill then we didn't have any lights for a little while.

For us the big problem isn't with light bulbs, but with lamps. They just stop working for no good reason. I'm grateful though that Otis seems to be really good at fixing them.

When one stops working I just tell him and then he says something about needing to get light bulbs. I'm not sure why he thinks of light bulbs when it is the lamp that stops working and it did have a bulb in it at the time.

In any case when I let him know the lamp stopped working he always ends up going to the store for light bulbs. Why, I have no idea.

All I know is later he managed to fix the lamp and it works fine for a long time before breaking again. Now don't tell Otis, but I think somebody is playing a joke on him in terms of this light bulb thing. Because every time one of those lamps stops working and then Otis fixes it I notice in some cases somebody tossed a light bulb in the trash.

Boy that sure was wasteful. Well what I do so Otis won't get too upset is take the bulb and put it into the place where he keeps all the light bulbs. Naturally, I don't mention it to him so he won't get too concerned. I mean whoever this weird dude is all he ever messes with are light bulbs.

Anyway, like I said when a lamp stops working I tell Otis and normally he'll go first to check out the light bulbs he keeps in the closet. Boy he sure is picking about them too.

I mean he'll go on and on later about how he found too many bulbs that were burnt out in the closet. I guess it must be some kind of code since he never to my knowledge actually tries to cook those bulbs. Glad for that because I doubt they would taste very good either.

In the meantime, I think I'm going to try and make Otis extra happy. I was dumping the trash the other day and so some bulbs in the dumpster. So I fetched them and put them in the closet.

Which is a good thing I suppose since Granny Potts was at our door and said she was out of light bulbs. Well since I found those in the trash, I just gave her some we had int eh closet.

Course I never remembered to tell Otis. Not that it matters because I have no doubt next time a lamp breaks he'll still make up some reason to go and buy more bulbs.

PLENTY

Boy is there any better feeling than knowing you have plenty of something? That is providing you are talking about something really cool.

I mean you can have plenty of gas from eating beans, but you hardly have reason to smile over that. Well okay you might smile when you cut one without getting caught and somebody sits there fainting from the smell. Then you have to rush out of the building to last your ass off without them noticing so you don't get bashed in the process.

Still in other situations knowing you got plenty of something is just a nice feeling. It is sort of like one less thing to worry about.

Unless you are talking about something you are going to use up. Then you might not have plenty for very long and that gives you a reason to get stressed out.

I get sort of amazed at what some people think of has plenty though. Take Mr. Mammongrabber. That dude is rich. Well at least by my standards. I mean he lives in a big mansion and has tons of money in the bank. I would say he's got plenty of about everything.

Only you wouldn't be able to tell it from dealing with him. That doesn't happen to me very often. It ain't like we have a reason to see each other very much.

But whenever I have seen him man does he worry about money. He's always griping about how things cost too much and seems to worry that he can't afford stuff.

Now I ask you when a dude owns a grocery store chain should he really worry about how much food costs? It sure seems weird to me, but he does. You would think he was actually going to have to pay for it or something.

But that is him. And I'm glad even though I don't have lots of money that I don't have to worry about money all the time since he sure doesn't seem to enjoy life very much.

Of course there are some things you definitely can have too much of such as grime. I sure know how Dr. Hemoglobin feels about getting upset when there is way too much grime in the world. That is one kind of plenty I could live without.

I don't reckon that it will matter if I feel there is too grime in the world apparently for the girminal types they want to be sure there is more. That is why they keep adding some to the world. So of like the bad guys that go out doing harm to others. That is hard to understand too.

The way I figure if those dudes were to truly understand that some kinds of plenty are not cool they wouldn't bother with them. But I guess you can convince everyone that plenty don't apply to bad stuff as well as good stuff. I suppose you could get them to change if you could catch them, but that is another problem where this is a far too plentiful case of bad dudes and short supply of the good ones. I guess we need to work on that don't we?

Thought for the week: "A bad day is when you nose runs and you clock doesn't."

GOOD AND BAD

It is hard for me to believe at times, but there are things that can be both good and bad. It is like they can't make up their mind what they want to be so they try to be both.

Or perhaps it is more a matter of in some situations one thing could be good and then in a different situation be bad. What you have to be sure is to know when it is good and when it won't be goods so you can avoid the bad part.

I'm thinking of in particular stuff you stick in your tummy. Normally it can be a good thing unless you say try bread that is green or something else that has one of those expiration dates on it. You know I never really understood what the deal is with them anyway. I mean how come they don't put them on stuff where you really need it?

Like politicians for example. Surely those dudes should have some kind of expiration date when they end up being stale and junk and should be tossed somewhere that you don't use them any longer. But nope it doesn't work that way. As long as they can shoot their mouths off they do. And believe me if there is one thing that can be both good and bad it is the mouth of a politician.

Man those guys sure come up with some weird junk at times, which can be really bad for the rest of us. Does anyone want to tell me they actually enjoy the way those politicians get to zap us for money whenever they want? And that is another something that ought to have an expiration date on it if you ask me. Which nobody does of course.

As for food, well shoot I figure my nose is the best way to tell if something is really passed on of those expiration dates. If something stinks then you get rid of it. At least I do.

Okay I will admit that there are some of those so-called health foods that it wouldn't matter if they had expiration dates since they smell funny and taste funny anyway. I'm not sure that matters with them.

Since I never eat them anyway I don't worry about them that much. I'm just happy sticking with real foods.

I suppose I could go on forever talking about other stuff that is good and bad. There are plenty of things like that out there. And I reckon there are plenty of people who can make up their own list too,

Perhaps what we need is a list of them. Actually we need two lists. One to tell you when and how one thing can be a good thing and a different list with warnings on when the same thing is bad.

I wonder if the government would mind printing something like that up? I bet it would be helpful. I guess the problem is that you would be talking about the government and with them you never know by the time they get done messing with something if it will be either good or bad or neither.

GROSS FOR THE MOST

Now there is a good kind of gross and a bad kind. Well I guess there is a third kind. I heard it called gross weight. But I don't know why anyone would be grossed out by weighing something. Guess some people really do get fickle about weird junk.

As for the two regular kind so gross, there is the type that is good because you get to gross somebody else out with it. Oh yeah, fake vomit or just talking about something really disgusting when a person is eating can truly gross them out. Which is a good thing if they deserve it.

Then there is the bad kind of gross. That is like finding a bug in your cereal box. I have this rule about stuff like that. And I can tell you one thing for sure, I will never consider bugs in food as other than gross in a bad way.

However I reckon from what I've heard there are actually people who eat bugs and other stuff that I would consider as gross. Now I suppose I could sort of understand you know if you were like riding in a car with the top down and some bug flew into your mouth, but on purpose? That is totally weird and gross to me.

I guess I'm glad that I don't live in some of those foreign countries I've heard of eating all kinds of strange stuff. They got weird names too like a cross-ant. Who the heck wants to eat a bunch of ants put in the shape of a cross? I don't care if you do put butter on it, I ain't eating it.

Then I heard if you they are so gross they even eat any cars that have an S as part of the name. They call it S cargo. Man can you honestly thing snacking on some car just because it has an S in the name is a good thing? I ain't going to try it.

I think I'll just stick to the usual foods like jelly beans and burgers and stuff that you know what is in it. Well, I do know that at times you can't be sure on the hamburgers though.

They do use that secret sauce stuff and who knows what is in it. I can just hope they never buy it from that Mr. Mammongrabber. His idea of secret sauce is so secret he won't tell anybody. Personally to me if something glows in the dark you probably don't want to stuff it in your mouth.

That's why whenever I go out for a burger or other what is called fast food I stick to places that I know real well. You know that have been around for at least a week.

I'm kind of not sure though if it happens to be the type that some health inspector said was condemned. But as far as I'm concerned people ought not to go around and be saying bad stuff about restaurants in the first place. At least I don't think so.

It just don't seem right for somebody who spends his time running around looking for health to be the kind with a mouth that says only bad things. I think that is gross too.

UNDER THE UNDERWEAR

Who know what grows under the underwear. It could be something really scummy with some people. You can look in their faces and know they are hiding something. They got that guilty look like they farted and are hoping nobody finds out.

Yeah you can smell a person like that a mile away. Which is probably because they don't change their underwear that often!

I guess I shouldn't be that concerned with the whole underwear deal, but I just can't help it. I mean what if that person is so grimy under their underwear that they have attracted cooties. Those suckers can be down right dangerous.

The last thing I know I want is to risk having some cooties leap off some slimy dude and infect my butt. That could give you all kinds of problems. Some are so scary that I don't even want to think about them.

Oh well, the important thing I guess is that we stay away from people who look suspicious in that regard. Because the one thing you can be sure of is that nobody is going to admit they got under the underwear cooties. Nope you can forget that.

Shoot I doubt you could even expect them to be honest at all or tell the truth. Why I bet they will even lie about lying since if they didn't their underwear my catch on fire. It is like that saying liar, liar pants on fire. Yum, I bet at one time in the good old days somebody taught people a lesson by zapping them with a blow torch for having dirty underwear.

They problem had that kind of vision that could see right through pants and that is how they knew the person had stinky underwear. And when they asked, "Hey bub, what's the deal with not changing your underwear more often?" I bet the creep lied about his dirty underwear.

So the dude just whipped out his trusty flame thrower and taught that jerk a lesson he'll never forget. Having a charcoaled butt is no doubt going to be the one thing that nobody would be likely to take for granted.

Gee it is a shame that you can't do that all the time these days. That must have been part of those good old days they are always talking about.

Gosh I wish there was a way to get them back again. Maybe if we could start a holiday. An under the underwear holiday. We could call it something like All Ain't's Day as in All Ain't not wearing underwear. Er, I guess you know what I mean.

Hmmm, I wonder where I could lay my hands on you know about a million flame throwers to pass them out? I know I'll ask that policeman I know. Yeah, I bet he would know where I could rent or borrow a few. I sure hope I can get that done. Getting rid of dirty underwear would sure be a fun thing to work on, even if you needed a few flames to do it.

THE FUN ZONE

This is supposed to be the cool place over in an amusement park where you get to have fun. Only I'm not sure their idea of fun is the same as mine.

Oh they do have some interesting types of food. At least they look cool. And sometimes they do taste decent too.

Well that is when you first bite into them like a corn dog. But sometimes later, your tummy says, "hey, that was yucky, I'm getting rid of it," and you end up barfing on some old guy who beats you senseless with his cane.

Anyway, other than the food they do have some cool rides. Stuff like a rollercoaster and Ferris wheel. Providing you don't sick from those too.

A helpful hint though in that regard, is don't go and gobble down a couple of dozen corn dogs and then go on a rollercoaster. Or the problem can be that you could end up barfing for more than one reason.

And let me tell you the one thing that nobody understands is if you barf all over them on the rollercoaster. If you are sitting in front and upchuck so that all the people being you get soaked with vomit they will not thank you when you get off the rollercoaster.

It is more like they will beat you to a pulp and if they happen to be there with a big family their relatives will probably help. I tell you there is no way you will have a chance to explain that you just made a mistake before they pound you unconscious. Definitely it isn't not a good thing.

So I love to go on those big rides that can make you barf before having my snack. Only I also learned that you should sort of wait a while after eating before you do any other kind of thing too.

You know just to make sure you tummy is cool with what you put in your mouth. Because if you don't and you are like wandering through the fun house and barf there people aren't any happier than when you did it on the rollercoaster.

The only benefit is that since you are in the dark, you can generally escape before that big hairy dude and his girl friend slip on the puddle of vomit you left on the floor. It really is something still that I don't enjoy.

Maybe sometime I won't go and hide inside and let somebody else sneak out before me to make that couple think it was their fault. Perhaps one of these days I will even learn not to let the other person get beat up for it too.

But then I kind of think since they did have fun in the fun zone so that makes up for it to some degree. Now all I have to do is convince them that having a black eye with a smile is a good thing.

MOONBEAMS IN A JAR

What I want to know is whose is the clown that is trying to say this is possible. Jeez, I can buy into a lot of junk, but moonbeams? And in a jar?

I think somebody is just jerking our chain on that part. But they put it in a song like it is possible.

In the first place where would somebody actually get any moonbeams? It isn't like there is a store where you can buy them. Nor is there some place like a forest you can go and pick them off a tree.

Course the way those darn forest rangers are about trees even if you could they would end up tossing your butt into a jail for picking moonbeams without a license. Yeah, I could see that happening.

And with my luck I would end up having to appear before some judge with a bad attitude who would sentence me to life stuffed in some tree trunk. I know how that stuff works. You can forget that being my choice.

But all of that is assuming you could even find some moonbeams in the first place. Which I suppose also applies to sunbeams too.

Where do you get them suckers? Seeing the sun is no problem, but the beam part sure isn't easy to accomplish from my point of view.

That is the part that really bugs me. How come they make stupid songs where they talk about impossible stuff in the first place?

Honestly is this really a good thing? I don't think so personally. I think it sucks big time and as far as I'm concern somebody ought to be in big trouble for even pulling that crap.

But I know that isn't going to happen. I just know they are going to keep bugging us with more and more of this kind of nonsense.

Well unless we have a chance to do something about it. It sure would be something I would consider a good idea.

I'm not sure what would be the best choice though. How do you get people to stop writing stupid songs? It sure hasn't worked with stuff like rap music. I mean no matter how many times you talk about it, they keep making new rap songs or whatever you call them.

Oh well, I guess you just can expect that to change. There isn't much of a likelihood of that improving.

So perhaps we will have to do what we normally do and simple express our opinion with a case of bashing. That would work. Well for me at least.

FIT AS A FIDDLE

What's the deal with fiddles that you should be consider as fit as one? I mean do they jog or do lots of exercise? I have no idea.

I do know that when you see those commercials on television about some exercise place nobody is ever using a fiddle. Maybe they keep them hidden unless you show up at one of those gyms or something.

Personally I would think what with all that sweating you would have trouble holding some fiddle even if you wanted to. But then perhaps that is all part of the fit thing. Since I can appreciate how if you had to work so dang hard at holding a fiddle while doing all that exercise you might feel a need to get extra fit.

The other thing I wonder about is whether this has something to do with musicians being more fit that regular people. I find that a little hard to believe myself.

About the only experience I ever had with musicians was back in high school. We had these dudes that played in the band. I suppose you could call them musicians. However, I did kind of wonder since when they played I wouldn't call what came out of their instruments as music. Oh it was noise, but hardly music. Why if I hadn't lucked out and figured the play the star spangled banner at the beginning of each football game I would have had no idea what the song was they were trying to play before the game started.

Anyway the one thing I do recall is that none of the was particularly fit. I wouldn't even say they were decent at playing any kind of sports. Not as far as I could tell.

Heck if one thing was obvious to me it was that the last thing those guys did was manage to be in shape. On they did look okay in those uniforms they wore, but you know when you are built like an egg I just couldn't call it the kind of shape you expect for somebody who is really fit. Just my opinion naturally.

In any case I reckon that I'll not worry too much about taken up the fiddle just to feel more like I'm fit. I'll let somebody else worry about that part.

I figure even though I am a grimefigther and super hero, I am not going to try to mess with some fiddle just to be more fit. That is unless my bat is broke or something. Then the fiddle might work for bashing.

Although they don't seem too sturdy. Perhaps I'll try filling one full of cement and see if that helps. Not sure where I can borrow one to test it. They do have this really old one over at the museum. It is called a Stradivarius I think. Heck it is so old I'm sure they wouldn't mind me trying to put cement in it to see how well it bashing stuff.

I reckon since it is so dang old they were most likely going to throw it away any how. So perhaps they will think I did them a favor. Who knows maybe they will even thank me when I'm done for saving them the trouble of throwing it out.

GIVE A LITTLE

Well for me there are two ways this can be understood. There is the giving where you give something to others and then there is the type where you give in to what somebody else wants.

I like the first part if it means somebody else is doing the giving and I'm getting in the process. Unfortunately for me when I end up on the giving end it normally means I end up having to give in also. That's the part that sucks.

I can't say that happens to me all the time. Mainly at STINK, which is where a lot of stuff happens to me that doesn't happen elsewhere.

I don't know that I mind it being that way sometimes. Only when it happens too often it kind of makes you a little brain fried. At least it does me.

Now I wish there were some rules to this whole business of give a little. A place perhaps where you could maybe consult a rulebook when somebody started in by expecting you to give in.

You could go, nope, I don't have to since it isn't in the rules. And then you could even flash it in their faces and it would stop the problem.

I did go looking for that kind of rulebook once. But after I got through explaining it to the lady at the library she sort got weird on me.

Then she said something about having to go and check on something, but never came back. I think she must have gotten sick because the next time I went to the library she wasn't there any longer. They said she had quit.

I guess it must have something to do with the books in the library causing health problems. Because I have noticed how often I have gone to the library and after talking to the librarian on duty he or she isn't there the next time I go back.

Guess that is a good reason for me to not go back so I don't catch whatever it is that they got. But then I'm not sure I have too many other choices.

I did try calling the information operator, but they never did seem to have any information for me. That gets to be kind of frustrating.

I also tried calling customer service over at the cable company, but lately when I call and give them my name they just put me on hold and never come back on the phone. Guess they get real busy at times.

I suppose I'll have to go back to the library again. I sure hope they don't keep changing their time for being open. After the last time I noticed that they locked the door when I was coming up the walkway. I wouldn't have thought they would close at eleven in the morning, but I guess there was a reason.

Thought for the week: "Shouldn't a person who speaks with a forked tongue be told to take the silverware out of his mouth before talking?"