BED TIME

I've never been real clear why they have to call something where you just end up snoring as a time. It isn't like you can count the seconds while you are sleeping.

So maybe it ought to be bed out of time. Because you know if you really thought of it has having time you probably what to think of something better to do than sleep anyway.

The other thing I was thinking about is how this really isn't like a law or anything. Bedtime normally is something that just is.

At least we all understand it. If somebody says, it's bedtime then we know it doesn't mean we are going to go dancing or whatever.

Now the thing is I think as a rule this whole bedtime deal is often related to the idea of sleep. That is the way I understand it.

After all even though you might do something other than sleep when you go to bed it isn't what you include in bedtime. So does that mean we ought to have different type so rules for bedtime?

Yeah, that might be cool. We could have watching the news bedtime. Or munching on a late night snack bedtime.

Perhaps even playing cards or a nice game. Only then I reckon you would have to battle the other problems. You know like explaining to somebody why you are eating in bed.

Some people can be such a pain in that regard. You just can't tell them something that everyone understands without them wanting more information.

Which is why I thought giving this whole idea of bedtime some definition might cut down on stupid questions. Okay, so admittedly you could have somebody bashed in the head for asking stupid questions and even though I would think it was a cool idea, Otis says it just isn't cool.

You got to admit that bedtime would be easy to understand if you were unconscious. That is one thing I do understand. People who are unconscious don't generally ask too many questions, stupid or otherwise.

Hmmm, perhaps we could work on that as a rule thing. No, there are too many people who would try to complain about that option I reckon.

Oh well, I suppose I could work on it a little. I imagine I could figure a way to work out some solution. Like perhaps have a bat attached to the headboard so you could whack somebody when they just thought of asking a stupid question. I guess the one problem would be operating the bat by remote control. Maybe with a long enough string it could work.

PARTY TIME

Ah, there is nothing as fun as party time. Well providing you are talking about people that know how to party and not make you yawn.

It might be hard to believe, but there really are people who just can't seem to enjoy themselves. At least from what I've noticed.

When I'm around my buds at STINK where we are all grimefighters then having a good time is pretty easy. We are all pretty cool dudes and enjoy doing a lot of the same fun stuff.

That is providing you don't try to count old rat boy, Junior Hemoglobin. With him there is no fun without it involving cheese. Boring!

Don't get me wrong, cheese can be a good thing. But not as the only thing you use to have fun. I ask you would you consider serving cheese sandwiches where you have two slices of cheddar cheese for the bread part and put two more inside for the cheese part to be a good sandwich.

I don't know where he got it, but he also has this video about the history of cheese making. About the only thing it is really good for is watching it if you need something to put you asleep.

I'm just glad that Junior is normally too busy thinking about cheese when he's not eating it so he doesn't want to spend time with us as a rule. Which generally makes the idea of having a party even more appealing if he isn't involved.

Outside of him there is of course, Reverend Analbe and his moral majority bunch. If you want to have a good time without feeling guilty then I don't suggest you waste time with him. Oh he and his group do know how to eat, if you think eating is the only way to have fun, but outside of that they can get kind of boring.

So I do my best to kind of avoid him when I'm really looking to enjoy myself. Besides I know somewhere in the middle of his idea of having a party it is going to mean he's going to expect you to pay for the fun. He calls it an offering. Only I notice that the offer part always amounts to everyone else doing the giving.

But at least I do have my pals at STINK. They will always make up for the times when I have to tolerate Junior or the Reverend Analbe.

That is providing some griminal types aren't trying to ruin our fun. Yeah, they get their jollies by sometimes trying to ruin our fun.

That only makes for a different kind of fun. The type that comes when we get to do something like bash them silly for bothering us. Which always is cause for a party by itself.

SAVE THE LAST... FOR ME

Now I heard this applied to something silly like dancing. Who the heck wants to save that? You can hardly put it in the bank to collect interest.

What I think of most when I think of saving the last of something is snacks. Those are something that saving the last of is really important when you and your buddy divide them up.

Otis is normally pretty cooperate in that regard. We have this understanding of sorts. If we have a box of something like Twinkies and also one of say Ding-Dongs we kind of work out a deal about who gets how many of what.

Most of the time it works okay. But every once and a while when we get the munchies, which only happens about twice a week then the rule kind of goes out the window.

I mean no offense intended to my buddy, but when one of use gets a serious, industrial strength case of the munchies and we are alone in the apartment let me tell you the idea of last one just don't work. But most of the time later we have sort of a make up situation.

That is where we kind of offset any snack thieving by letting the poor dude who can skunked on the snacks have an extra share of the new snacks. The special reward comes from getting to pick out your favorite.

I do enjoy it in many ways. And I might even enjoy it more if there was more occasions when I wasn't the one doing the grabbing of the other's last munchie.

I do have an excuse. It is because I stay home more than Otis. He's the one that does all the driving as a rule, except when I go somewhere on my moped.

So I'm home and that gets kind of boring at times. After all you can only watch so many movies and stuff before you got to do something else.

Eating is just one of those great past times from my point of view. It beats doing junk that might get me in trouble.

I only wished Otis would appreciate that more when he came back from doing some chore with those I'm hungry eyes and comes back from the kitchen looking like he could kill when that last snack is gone. Having cookie breath or crumbs on my lips doesn't help me trying to claim it was a burglar.

But at least we generally work out the problem pretty quick before Otis gets too crazy. It is a matter of being sure that we get to the market without any delays. And I normally have to do the talking to the casher because Otis will end up having a mouth full of whatever when we are in the check out line. Which is okay because it is still better than having him complaining about the missing snacks.

JUST A LITTLE UNDERSTANDING

People always say that when they are expecting you to agree with their point of view. Of course they never say it when you want them to see you side of things. It is another of those one sided deals as far as I'm concerned and that is a real pain in the butt.

This happens a lot over where I work. The management of STINK, which consists of Dr. Hemoglobin and his son old rat boy, Junior Hemoglobin, are always harping on how we need to have a little understanding.

They say that mainly because they are peddling some new rule or whatever and expect us to do what they want. So the understanding part amounts to us doing things their way.

Naturally they never ask OUR opinion. I guess that is part of the whole management situation. Which as best as I can figure means that you have the right to expect people to things your way.

It never amounts to them doing it your way. So I suppose being management means you have the right to be selfish. Wish that was my choice at times.

What cracks me up is when they talk about stuff like you know taking a vote on something the only one whose vote counts is either Dr. Hemoglobin or Junior. I heard them talking about having a secret ballot for a vote once and never figured out why considering they were the only ones that actually got to vote.

But that is another part of this whole deal that I know. No matter what happens, it doesn't amount to us being figured in terms of the understanding. It always just becomes a matter of them talking where the problem is OUR problem.

It sure makes life crazy that is for sure. Nothing ever gets done unless it is with us doing all the understanding and them having the right to make all the rules.

I did kind of crack up that time when I heard them talk about wanting input. That was what they called it when they asked our opinion.

Well they got it alright, but I don't think they liked what they heard since they didn't ask again. So we ended up getting the chance at least once to tell them what we thought.

The little understanding part sort of fell short in that regard. They didn't quite see that as quite the same thing. So the understanding didn't end up with us getting them to understand anything.

Which is sort of a form of understanding I guess. We just basically end up had no understanding in the final end and that is a form of understanding itself I suppose.

Only I won't say it was the good part. At least not that I could figure would mean we would all know more once it was over.

HANDY DUDES

There are some people who just always seem to be so dang good and helping others. Man it is amazing how they just seem to always know how to solve any problem.

You can have all kinds of problems that you haven't got a clue how to fix and they will just smile and say something like "try this." And best of all it works.

Yep, I got to say such people are real finds. That is how Otis describes them. And I agree since they are sure tough to find.

I mean it ain't like you can look up in the phone book's yellow pages and find a listing for handy dudes. At least I have never seen a listing like that.

Wish I did. It would make it so much easier when you needed help. Of course I guess at the same time you would need a category about "don't call this jerk no matter what."

They would really be something I would want to add. I think it would be a great way to make things easy.

But these days what with people griping about crap like equality and stuff I reckon you couldn't do that. Before you know it people would be squawking that we need a listing for all kinds of people. Stuff like crabby people, generous people, nice people, mean people and all kinds of others.

Then to you might have the problem of people not wanting to be listed the way they really are. I could see them sitting down and saying something like "hey, wait a minute, I'm not like that."

Well, I suppose that would apply to people who were listed under good listings. I doubt they would complain and yell, "hey don't call me a good guy."

So I appreciate that it could get complicated and all. Still it would be nice if there was some way to check out this handy dude deal.

Not sure yet what would work best. Perhaps a referral service. Yeah, one of those 800 numbers you could call and ask for information about where to find the nearest handy dude.

Oh I reckon they might want to charge something for the listing. But I can't imagine a good handy type of dude would mind that very much if the price wasn't a lot.

I guess I'll call the phone company and see if they can work on this problem. On second thought, maybe I won't call them. From talking to their customer service folks I have to confess that handy ain't the way I would describe how they act. Hmmm, I wonder if that has much to do with why they don't have that kind of listing in the yellow pages. Just a thought naturally.

MR. FIX IT

That's one name I don't think my buddy Otis will ever be given. He likes to think of himself as handy with tools and at repairing junk, but you couldn't get me to swear by it.

And no matter how many bent nails he hammers or other junk he ends up not repairing he still keeps trying. Why we even have a tool box in our apartment. I never really use to much of the stuff in it though. I got a use for the hammer sometimes and a screwdriver, but otherwise I don't look in it much.

I do know that the one thing you can be sure is that the name on it has nothing to do with how good the person is at using it. All the stuff Otis buys is called "Craftsman," but it sure isn't that way because he's very crafted at using it.

Now what makes things even more annoying is when we need something like say a bookcase he ends up buying one of those kits you have to put together. We got several of them in the garage in varying degrees of being assembled. He tells me he's going to finish them one of these days, but so far one of these days hasn't quite come.

That is why I always cringe when he gets something that has those words on it, "some assembly required." Because whatever assembly is required will probably be a whole lot more than he'll actually ever get done. My opinion naturally. Otis would no doubt say otherwise.

But I imagine someday when he gets around to figuring out how to put the stuff together it would be great to have that new desk, bookcase and all the other junk he says will look wonderful. I have tried taking his advice and picturing it in my head, but you know when I just see the stuff lying in pieces it don't work that well. I can look at the directions, but it just isn't the same too me.

I'm grateful at least that he has given up on doing other junk like trying to repair things that break down in our apartment. I think the real reason is because of the times we have had to call a real repair dude to fix them when he could figure them out.

He says it is because he got busy. Which is okay since it does sound better. And that is okay with me I guess.

In the meantime Otis is getting all jazzed. He just got a discount coupon for this hardware place that sells tools.

I'm sure he'll find one that he'll need. I reckon it will look great in the tool box too. Which is probably the only place one will ever see it if he uses it the way he does the others.

I suppose in part I'm just grateful that he never decides to fix stuff like jelly beans. When it comes to snacks I figure what goes in my mouth is okay as it is and doesn't need any repair.

YOURS, MINE AND OURS

Now this can be a good thing if you are talking about people making sure what belongs to whom. Having it all divided up and not leaving you wondering is a big help.

The only pain is if you can't agree on the dividing part. If you are dealing with somebody that can sit down and say "this is mind and that and that and that." Then by the time they get through the yours part is so small it is hardly worth even mentioning.

As for the ours part, well you can forget that altogether because by the time the person gets through explaining the ours part it ends up being in reality part of the mind part. That makes dividing stuff up kind of pointless.

I'm just glad my buddy Otis isn't like that with most things. Unless you are talking Spam. That dude has lots of times he can be generous, but let me tell you, he also has a real blind spot in terms of canned meat stuff.

Boy it can be so dang silly too. I mean I'm not even that interested in Spam personally. But you should see him go through all this explanations on why he needs to keep all the Spam for himself. Jeez, it is so crazy.

I just let him ramble you understand. It is such a pain, but it is better than having him give me a speech on the subject. The difference is a speech is something where he will keep talking extra long and then at times he wants you to comment on it too.

I mean what do you really have to say about a guy who talks about how it is important to be fair and thoughtful and cooperative and the whole time all he is doing is stuffing the cans of Spam into box marked, "Otis's private stash."

I do manage to survive though. For I make up for that craziness by doing what I can to be sure he cuts me the same slack on jelly beans. And so far he has so I'm happy with his making a big deal on the Spam part.

However I got to admit that you know we really do have a problem when you get into the area of stuff we both likes. Pancakes can get kind of touchy. So can peanut butter cookies and snacks in general.

Still, we manage in our own way and I guess that is what counts the most. I'm happy to do it when I can.

Although I should mention this whole sharing thing for Otis and I is mainly about food. Because let me tell you, when it comes to the remote for the television it is every grimefighter for himself.

I'm just lucky that I'm quicker than Otis. So I get to the remote faster than him on a lot of occasions. He makes up for it though. One of these days I'll learn not to fall for that "what's that out of the window" bit where he gets me to look long enough to steal the remote.

Thought for the week: "The say absence makes the heart grow fonder. That means if somebody you hate is gone you got a lot of reason to be happy!"

ROSEBUD

I saw this moving the other day about some dude who was apparently hung up on sugar, big time. They called it Citizen Cane. And as best as I could figure in the middle of all that other stuff this dude got his name from messing with sugar cane. That as I understand it is how sugar comes before they stuff it in cereal boxes, candy and other good stuff we get to eat.

Not sure what all this movie was about, but from as best I could figure at the end he was hung up thinking about sugar cane, only he confused with flowers so all he could do was mumble about rosebud. Seems kind of a strange option if you ask me, but you know people do think weird junk at times so I guess I can appreciate it.

Now the big star of this movie was this guy names Or-saw Wells. Which seems like somewhere he must have spent a fair amount of time looking for wells of some kind instead of whatever he was doing that he saw before the or he saw wells part.

In any case somebody said this was suppose to be the best movie ever made. And I know everyone is entitled to their opinion, but I got to be honest, I've sure seen better in my time.

After all there wasn't a single scene where anybody got blown up real good. And man it must have been made by somebody who didn't have lots of money since they didn't even show it in color. I can imagine it does cost a bundle to have somebody go round and paint colors on the movie film. So I reckon that could be problem in some cases.

But I'm not complaining. I mean at least when I was watching it I didn't get sick and any time I can watch a movie and not get sick that is a good thing in my book. Well I reckon there are cases when I sort of get sick that isn't the fault of a movie.

I should probably know better than to do stuff like have popcorn, candy, hot dogs and three or four big drinks after I had lunch and a snack before coming to the theater. But i always like to be careful you understand. You just never know when a theater might be out of the cool snacks.

I admit that doesn't happen very often, but it can. So I like to be prepared. However, next time I'm definitely not going to waste my time doing anything like say trying one of those sandwich "creations" that Granny Potts gave me to try. Maybe apart they would be okay tasting, but a sardine, sauerkraut, headcheese, baloney, fudge and peanut butter sandwich just kind of upset my stomach.

Anyway, at least in this movie the Citizen Cane dude was okay. I didn't see him wolfing down any sandwiches, but he didn't live in a big house, which I reckon is a good thing.

And I suppose seeing how he did die in the end I will make allowances for the fact that he did have trouble at the last being able to remember the difference between a rosebud and some nice sugar.

LITTLE FLOWERS

I was over in this flower shop the other day checking out this display of candy they had just put up. It was pretty cool and while I was there I noticed they had these pots with these really incredibly tiny flowers in them. That was pretty amazing I felt.

It made me wonder if there was an extra special reason for growing them that small. So I decide to ask the dude that worked there. Boy was that a mistake. He just gave me this attitude like I was stupid for even asking.

Well that was hardly the kind of attitude I expected from some dude who spends times growing flowers. You sort of expect people involved with that to be more sociable.

I tried to point that out to him and let me tell you that didn't help. He got really snooty in the process.

So I decided to show him a special use for those small flowers. Namely one of shoving them up his nose.

I doubt he appreciate me sharing that creative option with him. But I imagine he won't forget it.

I got to admit though I'm not all that happy that I still didn't find out the reason they have for making small roses. It really still bugs me.

And you know the big problem is that I have tried to visit a couple of other flower shops and ask them the same reason and not gotten very good answers either. This one dude mainly wanted to only answer my question if I agreed to buy the flowers.

That really created a problem. I mean I wanted him to tell me first why they were small and he wanted me to buy them first.

All I can say is like the first guy I showed him a creative way to use the flowers that I bet he never imagined. And I was happy to provide him the service.

I'm not sure he felt grateful for me trying, but I did my best to help him just the same. Meanwhile, I'm still bugged by the deal with these small flowers.

So I'm going to do what I can to keep checking. If I get real desperate I might even ask old rat boy, Junior Hemoglobin. He's always good for telling you stuff that isn't true or giving you an answer regardless of the situation.

But for me, heck I like the idea. There isn't anyone I can think of that I would enjoy showing my new use for those flowers too more than old rat boy. And I'm not sure where he would think it was cool either.

I just know it would give me a reason to smile. And anytime I can do that with a flower of any size it is a good thing.

BIG PROMISES

I don't think to me this is a deal of the actual promise being so big and the idea of what happens if the promise comes true. You know like if somebody says, "Hey if you do this I'll give you a million bucks." Now that is a big promise and very impressive. But it don't count for spit if you don't end up with the million bucks.

Which is why I look at a big promise as only big if it really takes place. If it just ends up being talk, forget it.

I suppose I wouldn't even mind the just talk part if you knew for sure when it was just somebody bragging, instead of something that is going to happen. That really bugs me, I'm telling you.

If only you could know for sure when people where spreading a bunch of crap and when they were telling the truth. It sure can be hard.

Oh normally I find out eventually. Maybe not tell they have suckered me a few times, but eventually I figure it out.

In the meantime, I'll be sitting there and getting all jazzed at the idea of doing something way too cool because somebody said we could if I would just do one thing. Man that one thing can sure turn into a major pain at times. Really a major burn to the behind.

What makes it all worth while though are the few times when a big promise really is a big promise. Man oh man do those times really jazz.

I am working a figuring a way to sort through these promises better. The first thing I know if the person has his fingers crossed then you best just no count on his promise being worth anything.

There are other tips too. Like if the person snickers too much like they just heard some jerk. That is another big clue the person may not be serious about his promise.

Then the other thing is you just got to use your noggin too. Let me tell you if some dude is making big promises that are absolutely impossible then I wouldn't believe them.

Okay, I admit that on one occasion I did kind of get carried away believing that when a guy told me the moon was going to hit the earth and when it did, seeing how it was made of cheese, it would mean that we would all have tons of cheese sauce. Boy did I sure have fun sitting there with four or five bags of tortilla chips and waiting for the big promise where I could have all the nachos I wanted.

I was sure disappointed when that didn't happen. But I survived. And I did end up with getting some cheese so it sort of worked out okay. Perhaps that is the best advice I can give. If the promise involves nachos, always make sure you have a big back supply of cheese.

CAN OF WORMS VERSES A CAN OF SOUP

Sometimes you just got to have a little yucky to get a little yummy. Take a can for worms for example. By itself it isn't a good thing.

However if you use them for fishing and managed to catch yourself a nice tasty fish then that was worth it. I'm still trying to figure out where in the water those fish that are breaded and happen to be shaped like sticks manage to swim. It would be great to catch them like that so you didn't have to waste time cleaning them an all. And if you could succeed in finding them while they were say holding onto some of that tartar sauce that would be even better.

Oh well, I guess one of these days I'll find that out. In the meantime I should talk about the stuff called soup. And the big difference between a can of soup and a can of worms is that the soup won't catch you something yummy if it ain't that way already.

So with soup it is either tasty to start with or it isn't. And the one thing it never is from what I can tell is extra full of good stuff like jelly beans.

See that is the problem I have with soup. How come they can't make it more tasty in flavors you really like?

Oh I guess stuff like mushroom and vegetables are okay. They sort of work. And when they add cream it ain't too bad. But it just ain't the kind of food that really zings if you ask me.

Nope, it is just one of those foods you just sort of depend upon when all else fails that is really tasty. And frankly I get a little worried when they are talking about something like say, chicken soup. I mean how do they get a whole chicken to fit into some can? I sure hope they remove the feathers first. Plus how do you make sure you aren't going to end up eating say chicken butt instead of the good part. It is kind of hard to tell for sure.

So that is why at least with a can of worms no matter how yucky it appears at least it is dependable. You know what to expect. It will be a mess and you can hope it will lead to getting a nice fish for dinner.

I heard they make this one soup called clam chowder. Not sure what all goes into that can, but I know that clam do have shells and that too me don't sound like something I want to take a bite of any time soon.

Maybe one of these days the soup people will learn a lesson or two about what really is tasty. You can sure hope so.

In the meantime maybe I'll give a shot and writing to the soup people and make a few suggestions on how they can improve what they have. Yeah, jelly bean soup would be my first choice. Maybe you could even put it in different colors. That would be helpful too although not sure black jelly bean soup would be a big hit.

OPEN WIDE VERSES WIDE OPEN

Saying ah is not the same as opening a door. I would hope most people would know that, but I guess some don't.

So for the benefit of those who don't know and aren't aware, let me explain the difference. The open wide happens to you when you do to a doctor or dentist. Open wide is all about opening your mouth and that can be painful.

Wide open is like with a door. It is something that is supposed to be shut and is open totally and widely for not good reason that you know of.

I guess this was an even bigger problem in the old west. I heard them talking about towns being wide open. Thing is I never knew of a town that was supposed to be shut. That is really strange as far as I know.

But I guess it was a big deal in those days. And it apparently had something to do with ovens. I heard them talking in this one cowboy movie about the problems of having an open range.

Boy you can sure know that would be a pain. I mean if you left the thing on a hot day it would be terrible. All that heat would be such a bugger if you asked me.

So I reckon that perhaps they had big problems with doctors and dentist back then so it affected them in such a way that it made them worry about stuff like the very town itself being open. And brother if they went around leaving a bunch of ovens open that would even be a bigger problem.

Which is probably why they had to have a special day when everybody took it off to get away from all the problems with open stuff. And I know it had to do with doctors since they called it Doc Holiday.

Gosh I'm sure glad I didn't have to be around in those days, I don't know about you. And that wasn't there only problem either.

Why they were so weird they even made fences in the shape of letters. They had this one called the Okay Corral. A corral I guess was western talk for a fence.

Anyway somebody man at somebody I reckon and they probably were you know pissed over all those open ranges burning. So they had a gun fight at this okay corral. Well i guess shooting it out with squirt guns is one way to take care of problems I reckon.

But I don't think I would go for it. However, maybe if they you know included something else beside water it would have been a little fun.

Well I'm glad I don't live in those days. And we don't have as much problem with things like people leaving stoves open when fixing dinner.

IN THE FARTLAND

Well maybe I'm the only one that gets to visit this place, but let me tell you the one thing you never forget is going there. At least you nose doesn't.

Where is fartland? Oh it exists anywhere people have gas that has to come out of their bodies, which is pretty much everywhere I suppose.

The only problem fartland isn't popular in social circles. You can't boast about visiting there, well not officially.

But the one thing I know is that a whole lot of people are more willing to be a member of fartland unofficially than officially. That grin they get when they cut one and don't admit it ain't from being unhappy.

So for myself, I don't like playing those games. I would just as soon be a member of fartland upfront and celebrate the membership.

Course it is tough to find other people to join me. Wish it wasn't. After all passing gas is just one of those things people do like breathing, sleeping, talking and eating jelly beans.

I don't know why it should be such a complaint to others because you just let your rear end do the talking for you. But they sure do.

In the meantime, I'm happy with the stuff and the way it works. I sleep pretty darn good knowing my rear end don't have to lie about what comes naturally.

And along the way I try to encourage others to feel free too. When I see them wincing from needing to cut one and afraid to I just pat them on the shoulder and say, "ah go ahead, pal, I won't rat you."

Of course I always to, which is also have the fun. I mean it really gives me a snicker when the dude passes the gas and some big ugly guy decides to thank him for it by punching his lights out.

Oh well I suppose this is just one of those deals where I'll just have to live with living in one world while enjoying a different one. I doubt if I'm alone in that.

As for the few who are honest about it, I say, pass the beans. There's no point in pretending and I see no reason to even try.

But that is me. And as long as I can I'm going to keep savoring the moment no matter how rank it gets. I just hope someday that fartland does get the break it deserves.

Yep, we all need that freedom to travel where the air stinks and yet we are happy about it. I know I'm ready, I hope you are too. Rejoice the day of gas freedom is bound to come for us sooner or later.

SOMETHING FOR SOMETHING

I know, this doesn't seem like a big deal. You got something and you are going to turn it into something else. Easy enough to understand, right?

But there really is a variety of deals in this kind of thing. There is the "oh boy, what an idea type of something from something." You know that is where somebody takes something that is junk and makes it into something cool.

There is also the "oh my god" type of something from something. That is where you take something ordinary and make it incredible. Like taking sugar and turning it into jelly beans.

Then there is the type of "oh no," something from something where some moron took something cool and messed it up. Some people are good at doing that.

And the best are the ones who write movies and television programs. They are always making these sequel movies that are so often dumb and stupid. You go and see the first movie and say "wow, that was fantastic." But when they go from that something to the sequel it is yawnsville!

Anyway television often ain't much better. They will start off with a good idea for a sitcom and then end up messing it up in some way till you don't want to watch it any longer.

Besides, when are the going to do something smart for a change and make a sitcom about a real super hero? Like say about some ordinary hard working dude who say wears a beanie and spends his days being a garbage man and then later goes out and fights grime?

And perhaps he could get his super powers to protect his super butt from the creepy griminals by eating lots and lots of jelly beans? Now you got to admit you haven't seen that on television before.

Why I even went so far as to write to the television people to suggest that very idea. I haven't gotten an answer yet. But it has only been six months so I reckon they are taking their time to think it through real good.

But I got a feeling one of these days you'll see it on the television. I know I'll be watching.

Well that is provided I'm not starring in the program. You never know when that might happen.

If so you don't have to worry. I won't let all that fame and fortune ruin me. I'll still be writing my postings. Only I might have to do it from Hollywood.

I reckon they probably have the internet there. If not, I can figure something else.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK: "You can change your clothes and change your mind. But if you screw up and put greenbacks on your butt, you probably end up needing someway to keep from passing the buck."

NOTHING FROM SOMETHING

This is definitely not a good thing. You start out with something and end up with nothing. That is so depressing.

Well providing the something is a good thing. Some times if you have a something that sucks having it end up being nothing just makes you have a reason to smile.

So the only time it really bugs me is when I start out with a good thing and end up getting zapped. And what I really hate is when this happens with something I totally feel I can't live without. That totally pisses me off.

What makes it even worse is when somebody else adds to my grief by making me end up with nothing instead of something. And for me nobody does that more often that old rat boy Junior Hemoglobin.

That cheese hording jerk has such knack for knowing when I have say some extra time for myself and then he figures a way to scarf it up for something stupid like doing a chore. God I hate that part.

So it is like I have something in terms of free time and end up with nothing since I don't even end up with some cool memories from the experience. I was stuck doing a bunch of crap that I would prefer to not remember.

What gripes me the most is that Junior is turning my something into a nothing so he can take what might have been a nothing for himself and made it something. It is called dumping crap on me so he doesn't have to do it.

Oh there are times when we manage to avoid it, but not most of the time. If you say no then he makes you talk to his dad, our real boss, Dr. Hemoglobin. And believe me the one thing I don't want to do is have him get involved.

I mean our boss is cool in many ways, but when it comes to saying no it always end in him giving us a lecture. And outside of putting up with hearing the Reverend Analbe bore me with how all fun stuff is a sin, our boss sure can drive you nuts with his lectures.

He will go on forever like he is telling you the history of the world. And boy by the time he gets through you feel like you've been around forever yourself.

So you can be darn sure I want to avoid that possibility as much as possible. Unfortunately, that means putting up with rat boy and his wacky need to bug me and turn my something of free time into nothing.

Of course I guess he ain't much different than how the government is able to turn our paychecks from something cool and into practically nothing by all the taxes they take out. At least it is sure feels that way when they add up all the stuff they decide is a something they need by messing with my something till it feels like nothing.

SOMETHING FROM NOTHING

Now this is a really good trick. Like where those magicians pull a rabbit out of a hat. I have no idea how they manage that, but I sure wish they could do it with a whole lot of other stuff. It sure would be cool to have a chance to have plenty of whatever whenever you wanted.

The one thing I haven't figured out is how come if they can do it with rabbits they don't turn it into a business? I mean think about it. You could have a magician who you could go to anytime you needed something and have them whip it out of some hat. Maybe there is a shortage of hats or something.

In any case those darn magicians aren't in any hurry it seems to get into the hat business since they never have advertised it on television that I know of. So I suppose we will just have to be content with them doing it to show off.

Meanwhile, I still really love the idea of getting something from nothing. Not sure where else you can achieve this other than with magicians.

Although, my buddy Otis claims some politicians are good at it. He claims they have a incredible talent for all kinds of magic tricks. Which includes making promises disappear. And I guess they do real magic with tax money too. Why heck Otis says they can make expenses appear out of nowhere. I wish I could have a chance to see that some time.

Oh well for now I think I'll just work on this whole something from nothing thing, by myself. All I have to do is first of all is get myself one of those black top hats like a magician wear and maybe one of their capes too.

I'm not sure where I can get those for sure, but I'll keep checking. Now getting one of those wands could be a little tricky. You can't just go over to a vending machine and get one.

I might try information to locate one. And until I do I'm going to keep practicing saying their magic words. I know it doesn't work unless you use the magic words.

So I can give it a shot here. Okay, here goes, "Abner Cadaver." Um, I'm not sure that sounds quite right. Let me try it again. "Abbur Can-hava."

Er, I don't know, it sort of sounds okay. I haven't seen it produce any rabbits yet. Maybe I got to have the hat first.

I suppose I'll get the hang of it eventually. I sure hope so. I'm kind of anxious to give myself a try at maybe pulling out a bag of jelly beans from one of those hats. Gee, I sure hope I don't mess up. I mean I wouldn't want to pull out a bag and find all the beans covered with bunny hair. I wonder if you need a special extra magic set of words to prevent that?

NOTHING FROM NOTHING

This idea to me is part of what they call fizz-eecks. That is this science thing that has do with all kinds of laws about stuff in general. Like about the Universe, gravity and other junk that somebody decided was important. And I guess there are these science like dudes who spend all their time just thinking about such junk.

So they come up with important what are called insights, when I guess is when you are looking inside somewhere. Anyway, along the one of them made the observation about matter. He didn't say what kind of matter, but just matter in general.

And according to this dude, whoever he was, said something about how you can't either create or destroy matter, just change it. Course to me that seems kind of bogus.

I mean if you take a stick a dynamite and blow up something it general is like totally gone. Now if that guy is right then it really isn't gone. Personally I think he probably was making that part up. But that is just me.

However if the guy is right in any way then that has to mean you know that if you can't get rid of matter for real you can create it either. So ergo, which is a thing my buddy Otis says at times, you can't make nothing from nothing either.

I mean it only makes sense to me if you can't get rid of stuff for sure then you can have nothing be other than nothing. Which I guess is a good thing so you don't have to worry about something like a big monster just appearing from thin air. Because if it did then it would naturally mean you know it broke that fizz-eecks law and brother I don't know what kind of punishment you get from the Universe, but I bet it is pretty serious.

In a way though I'm kind of thrilled by the whole deal. It is sort of comforting to be able to sit there and know that no sneaky monster is going to suddenly go poof and get in your face or something. That ought to be a big relief to us who have given some thought to the issue of sneaky monster.

My only regret I suppose in all of this is how you can't get anything other than nothing from nothing when it means the stuff you would really like you can't have. For example I would love to think somebody could like zap the Universe and then in the middle of nothing you could suddenly have like a whole mountain of jelly beans. I could live with that option.

But I suppose the Universe don't vote for options like that. Wish they did. I'm not sure where you even find the dudes who make the laws for the Universe. It is probably the same place they make those remotes for televisions called a Universal remote. Well shoot between making laws I reckon it would be a good think if those guys were able to watch a little television.

And we all know if there is one place that you can definitely wish that you got nothing from nothing it would be with some of the stupid movies they make. But then I guess that is just my way of looking at it.

RED COATS AND BLUE POCKETS

These are both part of my list of junk I never use. And let me tell you the longer I live the bigger this list gets for me.

I guess I don't have anything against the color red. Shoot my sneakers are red, which I think is cool. But I'm just not that crazy about a red coat.

When I think of red coats all I think of is those darn snots that work red coats who were called lemmies or limeys or some kind of fruit. Anyway they marching around acting like jerks and generally causing the colony folk all kind of grief. Don't you just hate when that happens? I do.

Anyway, I just can't get passed this red coat being a bad thing. So I don't ever plan on wearing one and risk somebody thinking I might have a hunk of citrus in my pocket they could borrow or keep.

As for the deal about blue pockets, well I don't know, I was thinking mainly in terms of somebody putting them on different color pants. I got jeans with blue pockets, but the jeans are blue.

However, I sure wouldn't waste time sewing them on a pair of yellow or green pants. I mean if you do that you end up with somebody thinking you got something special in them so that you want to risk them trying to steal your pocket. Which somebody calls being a pick pocket.

It is hard to imagine why somebody would you know somebody would want to go around stealing just pockets. Sure sounds weird. Shoot it ain't like pockets are expensive or anything. They just you know are pockets.

But I guess somebody decided that they don't have enough so they end up trying to pick other people's pockets. And that definitely isn't cool in my opinion.

Which is why as an issue of fashion cents and that is where you make sure you don't spend a whole lot of cents on fashion other than enough too look good, I don't believe in mixing colors of one pocket with different colored pants. It just ain't cool.

I prefer to concentrate and mixing colors that do look good together. So just to show I ain't against color I do love things like wearing an orange shirt with green pants. I tell you I sure do impress people because so many people will stop and look at me for the longest time when they see me coming.

And I know they really do find it great by the way they get these big smiles and point when I walk passed. It really gives me a feeling of pride to know how they are given a reason to know at least one dude who dressed with real class.

In the meantime, I making the list of things I won't do even longer plenty of times. And believe me there is plenty of stuff you got to add to those kinds of lists as time goes by.

WHO COULD ASK FOR MORE?

I think the person who asked this question has a pretty sick idea of what more really means. Because from what I've notice the person asking this is generally doing so in terms of good stuff and not bad stuff.

Which kind of makes sense I guess when you consider that most people probably wouldn't want more of bad junk. So I doubt anybody would be inclined to say "gimmie more bad crap." Well, I suppose I ought to say that there are maybe a few dummies that love having bad stuff happen to them. But not me.

Anyway, getting back to this deal of who could ask for more, I heard it just the other day. It was during this commercial where this dude was telling people all about this resort. I got the idea that he was trying to convince folks to go their for vacation.

I guess he did okay and talking about the place. But personally, when he would ramble on about what he called amenities I could think of a lot more than his more. I guess stuff like golf courses and swimming pools are okay. And horseback riding is cool I suppose if you are a cowboy. But if he had asked me the question about who could ask for more, I would have said me.

Now don't get me wrong. It was all pretty neat looking. I reckon I could figure a way to have fun. But I don't think it would have been as great on the more scale as he was bragging.

Speaking for myself, when I was looking at that commercial I just asking, "what about the good stuff?" I mean no once did I see him any kind of candy store on the whole place.

They did have a big pig out place called a buffet. But I didn't see any jelly beans at all. And that sure is a more I sort of consider as important.

The way I figure they spent on their money and junk like grass and flowers and horses so they didn't have any left over for the really valuable stuff like jelly beans. Personally, I think those dudes haven't spent much time around horses. They might feel different if they had seen the kind of mess one of those beasts makes when it poops! Makes me wonder if they people that go there find out before it is too late about that little detail. You can sure bet they didn't mention it in that commercial.

So as far as I'm concerned they might fool other people with their grass and horses, but not me. Nobody is going to pull that more business on me and claim it is just spiffy and the best thing next to slice bread without a flash of a little sugar. Besides in my house we keep candy next to the bread so their next to slice bread sure is different than mind.

I guess the main reason I was venting on this deal in this posting is because I did call the place up on their 800 number, which I think was broke since I only had to dial it once and not 800 times. Anyway, I pointed out about their lack of jelly bean life. Then I chatted on it some more till the dude told me to get a life before we got disconnected for some reason. Well just shows what he knows since I already got a life and don't have to go and get one!

AIN'T IT A PAIN?

Oh yeah, you bet is normally the answer I expect to this question. That to me is because there is so much dang stuff in life that can give you a pain in the butt. Yep, I'm talking about that kind of pain.

Which I think is the one kind that this really is meant to be talking about. I know you got your regular type of pain too. But those don't count in quite the same way. Because if you sitting there with you arm dangling from being broken it sort of figures it is going to smart.

Nope, what I'm thinking about more is when you get stuck having to deal with some situation that makes you just plain want to go crazy. It really does grab you in the private parts and make you want to bang your head against the wall. At least it does for me.

Anyway, the main reason I decided to even talk about this is because I can't help thinking to myself how this how thing ought to be avoidable in some cases. I call this passing the crap.

See these ain't it a pain situation is one that everyone hates. So what happens is we end up figuring a way to be sure if there is any grief some other poor slob gets stuck with the problem and not us.

Which often ends with an even bigger pain when you have to put up with listening to some jerk ramble on trying to think up a good fib just to explain why he wanted to give you the crap. Yeah those are the really annoying situations.

In my case this happens most of the time when I have to deal with that creep, rat boy, Junior Hemoglobin. If there is one dude who spends too much time thinking up ways to avoid doing work, it is that cheese hording jerk.

I swear he can come up with some of the most lame, god awful crap to explain why he wants to duck doing any work. And personally I would just as soon not even hear most of them.

I mean jeez, when a guy is going to try and stick me with cleaning the toilets in the bathroom because he's allergic to porcelain, I call that a big fat lie. Which really pisses me off even more since he actually expects me to believe it.

Anyway, I just do what I can not to argue with him over it. Not because I don't want to. It is because my way of arguing with old rat boy so it would be satisfying would be to use my bat on him. Only Otis won't let me do that. He says even though it might work, it isn't an okay option since our boss Dr. Hemoglobin would frown over me bashing his son too many times. Which translates into the idea that we would sort of get fired. Yeah that kind of frowning just don't work I guess.

So instead we just do our best to hide when we can if we know Junior is going to be looking for somebody to dump crap on. And along the way I can at least dream of dumping some crap on him.

DON'T PLAY IT AGAIN

I wish this one something I never had to say, but there are times when you just have no choice. Man it sure isn't fun to have to tell somebody to not do whatever a second time, but you just can't avoid it at times.

Now for myself I do like music. I'm not much for the singing part outside of the shower, but I do enjoy a good tune sometimes.

And I can even tolerate all kinds of music in some cases. Except for that stuff they call music which to me is just a lot of shouting that is known as rap music. Personally the people who think that is music need a good rap up side of the head.

But that is something I already talked about in a different posting. This one is for some other gripe.

I'm speaking of those stupid morons who decide that they love their music so much when they are in their cars that they have to play it loud enough for you to hear too. I reckon it wouldn't be so bad if they didn't like such crappy music.

Or better yet if they would bother to ask you first before they decided to try and make you go deaf listening to their car stereo blaring so loud it vibrates the ground. It sure doesn't work for me that well.

Anyway the other day Otis and I were out in one of STINK's Diaper Service vans and stopped at this signal light when this car came up with its car radio blasting away. Jeez, I tried to be nice and asked the dude to turn it down. Only he just ignored me.

Well the light changed and we took off and I figured that was the end of that, but it wasn't. At the next stop he showed up there too.

Otis just wanted to ignore it, but not me. I got out of the van and decide to make sure the dude didn't ignore us any longer. My bat generally does a good job of getting people's attention.

I suppose I did get a little carried away with it. I mean once I started talking with it I just found it a little hard to stop.

The nice thing was I did get the dude's car radio to stop making so much noise after whacking it enough times. I didn't get a chance to hang around though and ask the dude if he got the message. Otis insisted we leave once the light changed. He claimed he didn't want to risk a ticket for blocking traffic. I think he didn't want to wait for the guy to wake up since the dude was kind of big. Gee I wonder if the guy noticed the name of the Diaper Service Van on the side of our truck? He might have. Seems to me I recall one of the guys driving our vans mentioning how some guy who was playing his car radio way too loud forced him off the road and then beat the snot out of him. Might have been just a coincidence though.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK: "I wonder if the person who said all he wanted for Christmas was his two front teeth should have been told where to get a decent dental plan?"

TOO MUCH FUN

I didn't think it was possible to ever have too much fun. But I found out the hard way you can do exactly that.

It happened to me the other day. There I was sitting in the living room of our apartment with my buddy Otis. We were planning on enjoying our Saturday by having lots of fun.

Our big plan included watching a bunch of movies and having some great snacks. Well, I guess I ought to say that when I say snacks I'm sort of talking about more than a few crackers. I felt a need to mention that because of the people I know that think just because some crackers have the word snack on them it means they are a snack.

That might be okay if you are no real what they call a "con-your-shirt" expert on snacks. And after hanging with my buddy all these years I kind of feel like an expert these days.

Thus for us we take our snacking very serious. That means being sure we get the good stuff, not snacks that don't fill you up.

So we divide our snacks into different what I call levels. You start out with the kind that are just to tied you over till you get to the good stuff.

To start out there we normally begin with something like chips. Maybe three or four bags. They are all that filling, but it works to sort of take the edge off of being hungry.

Now for the next level we try to have something that is the opposite of chips. Meaning it isn't salty, but sweet. Cookies, donuts or brownies work pretty good for that level. Generally since it is a snack we limit ourselves to say six dozen. No sense ruining our appetite for later.

After that comes the next level where we have something that is on the warm side. We go in for things like pizza or burgers or even tacos or burritos. If it is a pizza normally four of them is enough to kind of hit the spot.

Then of course after getting through the basics in terms of snacking we move on to what I call the hard stuff. That includes generally ice cream sundaes and pie. Both if we have time. They are really great when you dump an ice cream sundae on top of a chocolate cream pie. Sometimes Otis insists we use a banana cream pie to get enough fruit into our diet.

Anyway after we have polished off all those things to kind of keep us going it comes time for the real snacks. I'm talking about candy. You know like twenty bags of jelly beans generally works. Yep, it really does make for a fun snack time.

But like I said you know, I found out that you can really have too much fun. The other day we were having one of our snack Saturdays and for some reason I got sick. Personally, I think it was because we used Banana cream pie instead of our usual chocolate pie. Anyway it disagreed with my tummy. So next time I figure I'll stick with the chocolate pie. Why mess wit a good thing?

TAKE IT A SAY

I heard somebody once talking about take it away. Only they never said what it was. And I think that is a very important question.

Which is why I think this ought to be take it a say. After al if you say what it is you are more likely to have it taken away.

That can really be important if you are talking about you know stuff like taking the trash out. If you just tell some people to take it away they might end up going in and hauling your underwear away or worse.

So that is why you have to be so darn careful with this thing because let me tell you someone trying to haul off you underwear while you are still wearing them is definitely not cool. Plus you got the extra problem of having to be double concerned that you underwear might not be clean. Man you can risk giving your mom a heart attack if somebody starts spreading around how you got dirty shorts on.

I just hope that by mentioning this I in some small way help to make people think twice on this it business. I got nothing against an "it" naturally. It is kind of hard to get too bent out of shape you know when you're not sure what the it is.

And I know before I agree to letting anyone take it away I want to know what it is. Seems fair.

Only not with some people. Now I don't mean to be unkind here to someone like the Reverend Analbe seeing how he does know god and all, but he sure isn't one for making sure you have no idea what it is after he gets through talking. In his case it almost ends with some kind of prayer. Which is okay, only I wish sometime he would ask God what it was so maybe I would get a decent answer from somebody!

But I don't imagine that will ever happen. Although knowing how much he loves donuts and all I suppose maybe with enough of them he might be persuaded to explain the it thing.

And if I can't get him to talk about it perhaps I'll see if this time Otis will explain it without rolling his eyes any time I ask. He gets really annoying in that way when you ask him a question he don't want to answer.

Oh well, in the meantime I reckon there will still be people there taking away the it thing without ever getting around to explaining the it part. I refuse to let it bother me though. There just isn't any reason to get all bent out of shape. Instead perhaps I'll just make some big plans to know what the it is myself.

Yep, I bet I can fake it well enough. If not then perhaps I'll just pick something for myself to call and it. As long as I get to play the it game too and not tell what I'm saying either!

SPECIAL DELIVERY

Man or man is this cool or what. The very idea that somebody thinks you are special and wants to give you a delivery. And when they work for the government it really is extra fantastic. Imagine how the whole big government being so busy doing government junk taking the time to worry about thinking somebody is special.

At least that works with the post office. Every once and a while I order something out of a catalogue. And you know they take time to ask me if I want it special delivery. Of course I always thank them for thinking me special. Sometimes they make some weird comment though that sort of is insulting and kind of ruins the whole special think, but I still like when I get to be treated that way.

It is kind of like when we go to this one restaurant. And I know they think I'm special there because they always go this little piece of paper on my menu that says today special. I think it is awful thoughtful of them to see me as special and they do it every time I'm there, which is even more cool.

Now even the newspaper seems to think I'm special at times. I see all those adds where it talks about special offers. Well, shoot it is so nice of them to make me offers since they think I'm special. I doubt they would do that for everyone.

You know with all this talk of specials I guess I do a pretty good job of not letting it go to my head. Honestly, I just enjoy being plain old Philo Milo Buttercream or Smog Boy for those who know my super hero name.

Anyway, it is still so cool to be remembered for being so dang special. I do kind of feel sorry for those poor people who don't get to know they are special.

Every once and a while if I see a person like that I do what I can to cheer them up. And since the post office is so good about this special think I normally stop by and ask them to send the person a special delivery.

Oh they make me pay for it. I guess that is because they have too when you really aren't all that special. But what the heck, I figure the person deserves a smile sometimes.

And that is the extra fun join of it all. I just love knowing that maybe even if the person isn't some super duper super hero like me they can still be happy over their lives.

Course I got to admit that I don't do that for everyone. Let me tell you if there is one person I don't want to feel special it is old rat boy, Junior Hemoglobin. He already thinks he's some big deal.

About the only way I would send him anything special is if it would explode. I know that ain't very nice, but then neither is Junior. Hmmm, I wonder if they make an exploding cheese log? Well I might check it out. Oh not enough of a bang to like make him explode, just enough to make him not feel so darn special when he ain't.

THIS SPUD IS FOR YOU

Ah potatoes, is there really a better, more versatile food. I mean you can have it so many ways. First there are French fries. I think it was so dang thoughtful of God to have invented them to go with a burger. Just seems so natural. Heck if I'm extra hungry I even stuff them in my burger too.

And what is extra cool is when you can you know have a good balanced meal in the process. Now to do that you have to be sure the weight of the fries is about the same as your big pop and double burger too. It can be hard to get them balanced perfectly, but I try. Normally sometimes I have to like buy extra fries to be safe. Depending on if I'm snacking on them while trying to see if they weigh the right amount.

That's just something I get better at with practice. However, I don't mind. It is like they say, if at first you don't get a feed then try, try a spend. Not sure exactly what they is supposed to me except that you somehow you know have to stuff your face till you got it right regardless of what it cost you. Which is how I kind of understand.

Now outside of that use for potatoes they do fix them great as chips also. Those go better with sandwiches from my point of view. But sometimes if you are talking something like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich they go great right on the sandwich too. Then you can have extra to eat on the side, which means eating them other than in the sandwich.

Oh well, it isn't any big deal too me. I'm just happy you know when I got them for a snack. Haven't worked out how many qualifies as an official snack though. I try to keep it to about four bags most of the time. That kind of depends on whether I'm going to have dinner afterwards.

With some people they make a deal of having something like dip with their chips. Me, I prefer my chips to be other than soggy. That dip stuff just kind of messes it up in that regard. Unless I maybe jam a bunch of chips into my mouth first and spoon a bunch of dip in afterwards.

Well that is one of those deals where you know can do it as a gourmet thing and if you ain't interested in the gourmet thing then you can forget it. I personally stick with the gourmet.

Another cool thing with potatoes I guess is having them baked. That's okay. Not quite as good as with say French fries, they are okay with a bunch of butter and stuff.

But no big deal. I stick with fries when I can so I won't talk to much about the deal with baked potatoes.

There is one last time of potato I guess. They call them potato pancakes. Personally, dumping a bunch of raw potatoes into a big bowl of pancake mix ain't my idea of tasty. I don't know, I guess it takes all kinds. With me the fries and chips are enough. I let somebody else work on the pancake idea and how you get ketchup and syrup to work together.

STICK A NEEDLE IN...

When I heard this the first time my reaction was "oh my god, this is so sick." I mean the idea of sticking a needle in anything is scary enough. Especially when you are talking about needles that doctors used. Those things can really sting. But to stick one in your eye is even more scary.

And if a regular doctor uses one to stick you in the arm I guess an eye doctor does it to your eye. Why, I don't think I even want to know. It sounds awful. How can anyone even think of doing such a thing.

No one so many people wear glasses. I mean if you go to worry about some crazy eye doctor jamming you in the eyes with a needle then you darn well would want to wear glasses to keep it from happening.

Not sure why you would even want to mess with some doctor that does that kind of thing. It just don't sound like a good deal to me.

Plus these doctors sure got some weird ideas I think about who to treat people. I mean what is with that think called an "Eye" chart. I've seen it and there is not a single eye on the whole thing. It is a bunch of letters. Plus they start out real big and then get smaller and smaller. Man the bottom ones are so small you can't even read them.

What good that chart is I have no idea. Unless it is to just drive you wacky trying to figure out what the word is those letters are trying to spell.

Another thing I wonder about is that normally you go to a doctor for stuff like a cold. Does an eye doctor treat you for some kind of eye cold? Never heard of a eye coughing before. Doesn't sound like very much fun too me. Guess being sick isn't suppose to be fun.

Perhaps the part that sounds the worst of all is this thing I heard eye doctors do to your eyes called dilating them. Hey nobody is going to shove some big dial in my eye I don't care how much my eye might be sneezing.

You really got to wonder who comes up with these ideas. I know there are a lot of things in life that might not make sure, but do we got to complicate the process by making up new junk to worry about?

Anyway, I guess I'm safe for now since I got no plans to visit any eye doctor anytime soon. I leave that for other people to worry about.

However, any time I hear somebody say something like I see it will make me wonder. I bet they didn't say that after some eye doctor tried sticking a needle in his eye. But I don't plan on getting involved to find out.

I'll leave that to other people to figure out. Me, I'll just put on some sun glasses. Providing I can find a pair that is shaped like a sun.

DO OR PIE

I heard another version of this and figured somebody made a mistake. It was crazy because it went, do or die. That's a choice?

Man some people sure have weird ideas about doing if you ask me. I mean if you have to choose between doing and something else can't it be tasty? I don't see why not.

So that is why I figure when you got to choose then a nice slice of pie really hits the spot for me. Yeah, if I wimp out on something I don't want to have something come looking for me with a hatchet or worse.

I would rather see them bring a nice chocolate cream pie. Can't see where that could hurt can you? I think it would be so cool to help make you feel better for being such a nerd.

Or in other cases how come it simply can't be do and pie? I mean if you ever deserved a reward it should be after doing something right?

Basically I guess what I'm saying is whatever the case of doing, pie is a good thing. Too bad other people don't feel that way.

They always complicate things by talking about weird junk like responsibility and accountability. What it comes down to is somebody wanted to have someone to point their figure at on account of they don't want to get yelled out. That is where I figure the account part comes in from my point of view.

And when you get passed all that crazy stuff I think nothing really helps to get sane again like a nice big hunk of pie or even two. Maybe three if you are really feeling the need.

Only you do have to be careful on the pie thing a tad. I mean if you try eating three chocolate cream pies covered in rocky road ice cream and hot fudge you might end up with a different kind of do. One that do make you sick. So I wouldn't go pass say two and a half pies. Unless it is real special occasion, then it might be worth the risk.

Well I hope that helps clear up this whole issue of do and pie. I know it has for me. In fact I'm going out right now and pick up a few just so I can practice what I preach. Which since I am doing it I suppose I ought to do it like Reverend Analbe, only with him it is do or donuts. But I'm sure he won't get to upset this once if I substitute pie seeing how I mentioned them and all.

As for everyone else you are welcome to go out and pick up a few pies too. Only you'll have to figure out for yourself what do you did in order to need the pie. Don't worry if you can't come up with one though. I'll be too busy eating pie myself to tell anyone. Which I guess is another part of that whole thing that I guess doesn't end up being mentioned, but I can live with it.

GOOD PEWS

Man I sure wish this was possible. It might be somewhere, but not where I'm involved. I don't care where I've had to go and ended up sitting in some pew, it is down right hard on my bottom. I'm talking numb buns.

Oh there is the usual places I got that have pews. Like over at the Reverend Analbe's church. And let me tell you, boy there ain't much fun to that in more ways than one. My butt isn't the only part of my body that gets numb after hearing him ramble on for too long.

Course there are pews you sit in for other reasons. Like with a wedding. Been a few of them too. They are okay, but for me the big fun is after the mushy I do junk and you get to go over to the place where they serve the cake and stuff. It sort of makes up for the part where you end up sitting in some pew in between to the bride's granny who is crying so loud you can't hear what is being said and her big fat cousin who sweating big time in his rented tux.

Outside of that fun the other time you end up in some pew is at a funeral. And the real down part of a funeral is there ain't even a decent cake to eat afterwards. Plus normally funerals aren't exactly a time for having lots of fun either. You would think they could like living it up a bit with a clown or magician, but I doubt that will happen.

Anyway, from what I can tell the main thinking behind pews appears to be to make you stay awake by making them as uncomfortable as possible. And then after that you just get real motivated to do something like hurry up and leave to get some feeling back into your buns.

Mainly it seems like the idea is to be sure you don't enjoy yourself too much. Which seems really dumb if you ask me. I mean shoot take the church thing. Heck they talk about heaven like it is a real cool place to go. Only it sure seems like they could make you enjoy it more if you did have fun while sitting there. But I kind of doubt anybody will ask my opinion on that subject.

As for the wedding and funeral thing. Well I doubt anybody is suppose to have much fun at either one. The weddings seem like they ought to be a time for being happy, but you sure see a lot of crying going on.

Which holds true for funerals also. Maybe that is because all three of these pew sitting deals involves some pastor leading the program. Kind of makes me wonder if you know they are the ones that have a special hang up about the pew thing. Like they get a commission for making sure that is all you get to sit in.

I don't reckon anybody will ask me on that subject though, do you? Nope it is just like trying to find out what happens to socks that seem to get eating by the dryer. I guess there are just some mysteries nobody will ever be able to figure out. But we can always hope, can't we?

Thought for the week: "If life is a bowl of cherries, what kind of fruit bowl is death? Or do I want to know?"

TAKE THIS JOB AND...

Oh man do I want to finish that sentence. Take this job and make some poor other slob do the dirty part. Or perhaps it ought to be take this job and give it a fancier title along with a big fat raise.

I was listening to radio the other day and they played a song that mentioned taking a job and shoving it. Only he never said where you were supposed to shove it. I understood the shoving part. I just didn't understand what good was going to happen from all that shoving other than if you ended up with some sore muscles.

Now as best as I can figure this is something that comes after you done tired yourself from doing too much pushing. I've heard those people who talked about when push comes to shove.

All I know is that man it sure sounds like a lot of pushing and shoving and that all sounds real tiring. So I figured it must be related to the kinds of jobs where people do that a lot.

And the only place I could figure that applied was in something cool like professional wrestling. I imagine we could be talking about stuff like tag team matches and stuff like that.

Although I guess I never really thought of wrestling as a job. Oh yeah they do get to wear cool outfits and mask sometimes, but I just thought they did it for fun.

But then I remembered they do call it professional wrestling instead of for fun. Well I guess you could get paid and have fun with it.

So that made me decide that best of all this was about somebody telling them big wrestling dudes to do some extra shoving. Not sure they really need somebody to tell them that. It seems like they got it pretty much figured out without too much trouble.

However, perhaps wearing that mask on your head it sort of makes you deaf a little. So perhaps the song is a way of helping to get the message to them when perhaps they decide wrestling ain't about cool stuff like shoving.

What I think I'll do is wait till the one program comes on television where they interview a bunch of wrestlers. Then I can call them up and maybe root for them. Why shoot I'll even make them happy by telling them to shove it!

Gee, I probably ought to do it in a way that will impress them. How can I do that? Oh I know, I can tell them I'm somebody important. I am important, they might know my name.

I got it, I'll tell them I'm the Reverend Anable. Yeah, I'm sure he won't mind since he is important to talk to god and all. I bet he'll be so surprised when one of them shows up at his church to thank him too.

THE ONE AND PHONY

Ever give any thought to how the word phony rhymes with baloney? Kind of makes you wonder huh? Okay, so it makes me wonder.

What do I wonder about? If maybe they were trying to tell something in the process. You know like perhaps the more baloney a person doles out the bigger they are as a phony. Sort of works for me. But there most things I think up generally do.

Course like everything there is baloney that you can swallow and other that is so rank it just down right turns your stomach. And you be darn sure the phony dude ain't got much of the tasty kind. Even if he says otherwise.

I guess in some ways it isn't a big deal. Providing you can live with being around lots of people who love to spread it on thick. And I ain't talking about mayonnaise either.

Which is probably the part that bugs me the most. I mean if the stupid jerk of a phony wasn't so obsessed in feeding you way too much baloney you might not honestly discover the truth.

Only it never seems to work that way. It is like an addiction. Once that tongue gets too bent out of shape you just can get it to work right again. I think in the cowboy movies the Indians called a dude like that somebody who spoke with a forked dung. Man you sure got to admit if you are spreading so thick you need a fork to shovel it into somebody's mouth that is really bad.

My buddy Otis is most of the time pretty good and not trying to be a phony. However I got to admit that there are times when he some urge to impress somebody and then man nobody can spread the baloney thicker.

But seeing how he is my buddy and all I do try to make allowances. That's what I call it when he gives me an extra generous allowance of jelly beans to be sure I got something in my mouth so I don't say something I shouldn't.

Although I got to admit though that even with the jelly beans it is hard at times to stay quiet when he gets a little too carried away. Like the time he started claiming he was an astronaut.

My buddy is a really cool guy, but even that one was hard for me to hear. Otis is fun to be a pal with, but the man is built like and egg. And judging from the look on the face of that lady over at the museum he was trying to impress I didn't get the impression that she bought it either.

Oh he managed to lots of big words about constellations and start charts, thrust to weight ratios, like I got a clue what that is and something about firing retros. I think those were probably some flunkies over at STINK that he managed to get booted for being lazy. Oh well, the one good thing was I did get an extra helping of jelly beans over that one. I think even Otis knew when he had used too much baloney.