NONE OTHER

Okay what kind of lamebrain came up with this saying? I mean none is like, well none as in there ain't any. While other sort of means other than none. So what do you get with none other? I guess that is none other than regular none. But what good is that. A different none is still none if you ask me.

What really bugs me with this is that I always hear somebody talk about it when they mention a person. Like in none other than. Well if this person is none and other does that make them a ghost? You got to wonder.

I decided this whole deal is some kind of conspiracy. Now there are all kinds of conspiracies out there. Some of them are pretty lame.

In this case I figure it has to do with people plotting to make me look silly. Which might not seem like big deal to you, but it is too me.

Because here I am a super hero type and a real type of beanie wearing crusader doing my best to get rid of all the bad guys. At least the ones that love to make messes.

So it is real important to me if I don't end up looking like an idiot from buying into this idea of people being none and other. Sure don't want to fall for that if I can avoid it.

Anyway, while I figured that I would play it smart and not get suckered in by such stupidity it don't mean anyone else agrees. That's because over at STINK where I work they just never give up on such stuff.

It doesn't matter how many times I catch them saying stupid junk and point it out they just keep rambling like I'm expected to buy into it. I'm telling you it sure does get boring to have them peddle that crap like it is worth believing.

What really disappoints me is when I take the time to explain to these clowns about how none and other don't work together. They just look at me and groan and shake their heads. I think that is because they get embarrassed over the fact that I caught them making up such stupid crap.

And for a while it does help. So much so that they are so ashamed of themselves they just make sure they don't sit next to me in the lunchroom.

It never lasts forever though. Sooner or later one of them will get around to this none other thing again.

And if that wasn't bad enough. It really bugs me that they try to ask something extra stupid like what color is the sky in the world where I live. Yeah, like I'm buying into that one either. The sky is always the same. It has blue or green or purple depending on when I look at it and how many jelly beans I've had first. So when I tell them that at least they don't ask stupid questions for a while.

IN A PICKLE

This is so horrible sounding I can't even think of having to cope with it. I mean the idea of somehow there being a huge pickle big enough to end up stuffing a person inside is not something I want to hear about.

Honestly, it is so awful to thing of. It makes me imagine the Jolly Green Giant or somebody like him going berserk and just for laughs inventing these giant pickles he stuffed people in for fun. I mean that dude does spend a lot of time with vegetables. He sure ends up packing them up a lot. So it would make sense if he got a bad case of the weirds he would pull something like that.

As far as I've noticed though, he's kind of a mellow dude. He does go around saying "ho, ho, ho" a lot. And he is called Jolly, so you kind of think he would be basically on the cool side. But who knows for sure?

After all he is a giant and they normally are known for being all that sociable. Like that one who messed around with the kid named Jack who had a bean chalk or whatever he had with beans. Anyway that giant was definitely not cool.

Plus this Jolly Green dude is known for wearing a lot of green. I got to ask is this a good thing? It is the same color as pickles. Makes me wonder.

Oh I suppose you know that perhaps old Jolly is just getting an unfair deal in all of this. But I can't say for sure.

All I know is that whenever I hear someone mention being in a pickle they are talking about a good thing. They are always speaking like it is a bad deal.

And you do have to wonder why if they hate being in a pickle so much they would even let somebody get away with stuffing them in one? I know if I was in a bad mood and I saw I guy coming towards me holding some giant pickle, I sure wouldn't be sitting around saying "okay, bring it on, I love this idea!

No, it just wouldn't work that way for me. An in addition you know that old Jolly being a giant and all it ain't like he could sneak up on you.

Which makes me question if these dudes who worry about being in a pickle are sort of you know asking for it in some way? And apparently they don't even want to figure a way to avoid it all.

Anyway, for me, I know regardless of how I feel the last thing I plan on is allowing myself to get in a position where somebody has a pickle, giant or otherwise, get near me. They tell me, "here slip this on" they can forget it, I ain't doing it.

In the meantime, I'm not taking any chances. I already got this mirror to look behind me in case somebody decides to pull something sneaky. And I told my friends all about the pickles and the jolly dude. Course I must have scared them since most don't come around me any longer.

IN A JAM

Well to me unless you're name is peanut butter and you are being chased by a dude holding a butter knife and loaf of bread this shouldn't be a big deal. I mean jam is cool, but hardly much of a threat.

Unless you got some weird fear of jam for some reason. Maybe your mother was scared by a stork eating a peanut butter and jam sandwich when dropping you on the doorstep. How would I know?

All I know is that apparently this is a bid deal for some bad guys. At least the ones in movies.

I was watching this cool movie the other day and notice that the bad guy was always griping about being in a jam. Only problem to me is that not once in the whole darn movie did he once whip out a sandwich.

Oh he did produce gun, knife, flame thrower and a bomb. Well two bombs I guess. Not sure on that one though since he got blown up at the end.

Never did see any jam though. You would have figured if he was all that concerned over it he would have had the decent to show one jar of something tasty. Guess that is part of what made him a creep.

Now I don't want to say anything bad about the good guys. After all they are the good guys and the cops who protect and serve us. Even though there are times when they have sort of over protected me when I had some misunderstanding with somebody over my bat.

Anyway, even they mentioned about the bad guy being in a jam. Only they never produce a jar of the stuff either.

You would have figured that at least between all those guns and explosions and junk somebody would have had time to stop by a store and pick up a lousy jar of jam. I ask you is that too much to expect if they are going to spend a whole movie talking about being in a jam.

And I know they sure should have had time. I mean they did spent a lot of the movie in some kind of car chase. So you would have figured they could have stopped at a store at some point.

Heck, I'm sure they probably had to get gas too. I never saw them stop for that either. But you know I bet if they went to a gas station where they sold junk they might have gotten a jar of jam.

Well of course since the jam was for the bad guy and he got blown up at the end maybe they figured it wasn't worth the money. I hope though before they go after the next bad guy they take the time to load up on jam. It does kind of get boring when they talk about it without even showing a single jar.

STUFF

What can you really say on this subject. but you gotta have it. And lots of it too. Well at least as far as I'm concerned you have to.

Because without stuff you just never feel really, er, I don't know, I guess complete. Only I won't say that everyone agrees!

I know my buddy, Otis, doesn't always agree. Oh he says he understands the importance of stuff. But personally, I think it is a case of him agreeing in what he calls principle.

That is where he says he agrees, only in reality he doesn't. He just says it to make it appear that he's okay with whatever. The principle part means basically it is not his favorite thing or something he necessarily likes, but he wants it to appear as if he does.

That principle stuff is a pain in the butt too me. Because the one thing it ain't is actually agreeing. So whenever Otis gets around to talking about something being in principle I just know he's really talking about saying no, without really saying no.

When it comes to things like this stuff business, well it can be really confusing. See Otis loves to collect things. He never calls it stuff like I do. Or even crap or junk. He calls it "collectibles." That is sort of junk or stuff you treat as fancy. Which to me don't really make it other than plain, old ordinary junk.

Most of the time it is no big deal. I mean he can have his stamps and coins and those antique goodies if he wants. Why, I'm not sure, but it makes him happy.

Only he just doesn't treat it like stuff the way he should. Like the time I needed a coin to put in this vending machine. And he wasn't around so I figured he wouldn't miss one measly coin out of that group he had. So I borrowed it to buy a candy bar. Heck the next week I replaced it. And with quarter too instead of that nickel.

You would have figured he would have enjoyed knowing I gave him a coin worth more than nickel. Personally I don't believe for a second his claim that the nickel was worth a whole lot more than a nickel because it was so old. I think he was making that part up!

Anyway, I haven't mess with anymore of his coins. I did borrow a stamp to mail a letter though. We were all out of regular stamps and it seemed like no big deal.

At least my letter got mailed. Can't say whether using a coin that is only one of kind like Otis said will impress somebody who got the letter. I guess I'll have to call up that candy store sometime and find out.

In the meantime I'll guess for me stuff will always be stuff. Even if my buddy does have a strange idea of what stuff is supposed to be like.

THAT THING

I use the word thing a lot. Most of the time when I can't remember the name of something. Calling it that thing sort fills in the description enough for the other person to know what we mean.

What isn't cool is calling people a thing. It happens, but I sure don't see that as a good deal.

Now there might be some of those English grammar types out there who talk about how one of those nouns is suppose to be talking about a person, place or thing so that means it is okay to call a person a thing. But that ain't the way I see it.

Call me being picky, but a person is a people and a thing is well, not a people. And I never try to confuse the two.

Okay, I got to admit that there are some people out there that might deserve to be thought of as just a thing. Honestly there are some really weird people running around doing strange stuff that you wouldn't expect from a people, but might come from a thing. Well to me they might be that way.

Then you got to consider them aliens. I'm speaking of the ones that come here from some other planet and not from another country. I'm not sure if they are ordinary people or if they are really things.

I haven't had a chance to run into one of those aliens to ask them either. It is just hard to say.

And if by chance I happen to be out on my moped some time and see a space ship parked on the street, I'll see if I can go find the driver and ask. Now if I'm really lucky I might even get the dude to give me a spin in his ship.

Then I do have to worry a little. I mean what if the guy is really a robot or some kind of washer that just knows how to talk. That could be okay too I suppose depending on if you need any clothes washed.

But outside of aliens, I like to think that most people aren't things in my book. About the only real exception in my book would be old rat boy, Junior Hemoglobin. If there is one person who really deserves to be a thing it would that cheese hording dude. I'm telling you I vote to give him a brain transplant. Of course that is assuming he had a brain in the first place. Which there are times I do wonder.

Oh well, I reckon it doesn't matter much doesn't it? I wish there was a place you could go to sign people up that you thought acted like robots or morons to be reclassified as things instead of people.

Gee I wonder if the government has a department in charge of that? Maybe I'll give them a call and find out.

Thought for the week: "They say, silence is golden. And then there is the golden rule. So does that mean the rule is shutting up makes you more money than talking? If so, somebody ought to tell the politicians."

NICKLE AND DIMES

I've heard of collecting coins. I even do that on occasion. Like when our washer is on the fritz and we have to do to the Laundromat. Or if I need the change to have lunch at a vending machine or some car wash.

Outside of that though, I normally don't worry about the whole deal with coins too much. But I guess it is a real big deal to some people.

In fact there are apparently some people who get so obsessed about this whole business they actually for clubs or organizations. Although I got to admit from what I've heard the people get involved with these things are kind of weird.

Plus I get the impression from when I hear my buddy talking about some nickel and dime organization that they aren't necessarily very good at whatever it is they are suppose to do. That's because whenever Otis talks about them he sure doesn't make it sound like good thing. More like they are a pain in the butt to deal with.

I get the impression that part of the reason he feels that way is because in addition to collecting only nickels and dimes they got a hang up about pennies. He's always talking about how they are a bunch of penny pinchers. Why anybody would get pleasure from squeezing some penny I got no idea, but it must be a good thing in their eyes.

I imagine that is where they got that saying about a penny shaved is a penny burned. I reckon the shaving part is where you do all that pinching and if you do it long enough it sort of ends up get hot or something. Sure doesn't found like much fun too me.

Well, I don't reckon I'm going to bother looking around to find out where these dudes hang out. Not sure I would object to stopping by and visiting the place they call the coin mint. I think that is those little chocolate mints they wrap in paper to look like a coin. It could be kind of tasty I suppose.

In any case it sure wouldn't be the kind of organization that I think I'll ever have much need to visit. Or even give thought to join.

Plus there is one real scary part to all of this. I heard my buddy Otis taking about how sometimes he has to deal with nickel and dime outfits.

Will somebody please tell me who in the world would want to seriously wear a suit made out of nothing, but coins? Man I bet the underwear would sure end up being literally a pain in that ass.

And I would hate to think what a part of swimming trunks made out of coins would be like. God a person could be dangerous. A person could practically drown from all that weight. You can sure count me out on that idea!

Gee I wonder if you did wear an outfit made out of nickel and dimes and sat down a lot i bet your rear end would have lots of marks on it that looked like coins. Guess that is where they get the saying, "permanent press."

ABOUT LAST NIGHT

You know that there is no way something good is going to come out of a conversation that starts out with somebody using this phrase. It just don't work that way.

Nope, the one thing you can be sure of is that this means last night something really dumb and stupid took place. And that ain't cool.

Now most of the time if the think that was dumb and stupid doesn't have to do with me, I can say something like "well okay, that happens." But believe if it in any way ends up meaning I might get in trouble, smiling ain't the way I end up feeling about the situation.

Like too many things in my life that I have to deal with the junk that makes me groan in other than a fun way, this is another thing that happens to me at work. Over at STINK let me tell you if somebody says "about last night" it means they did something really embarrassing and it somehow is going to include me.

Only they never just come out and say, "You're probably not going to want to hear this, but last night we were having a really bad night and blew it on grimefighter patrol."

Now if they were to start out a conversation like that I would be prepared to cope with knowing somehow STINK got in trouble for screwing up and anyone as a grimefighter could get in big trouble. It is like I screwed up, but guess what you are also going to get the flack.

I keep telling them you know that they shouldn't carry around that scrapbook that has a picture of all the grimefighters. Do they listen to me? NOOOO! Instead they lug it around and for some stupid reason they decide it is a good idea that they happen to show it off to somebody who they just pissed off by busting them by mistake. Like that is a smart move!

Anyway when they do that it is like they want to make sure the person, especially if he's a real, big and ugly dude knows that he can beat up more than one person for the goof up. I tell you that sure doesn't help me to find out.

Course I did at least get them to stop giving out our name and address. So that cut down on the times when some pissed off dude would be standing on our porch and waiting for us. It sure is hard to ask what is wrong when he's pounding you senseless with his fist.

I guess that is progress of sorts. Still, I sure hope one of these days I can manage to get them to lose that darn scrapbook. At least the part that has my picture in it.

Maybe I can luck out and even substitute old rat boy, Junior's picture for mine. Now that would be worth it. Shoot come to think of it, I don't think I would even mind carrying the scrapbook if all the pictures were of Junior. Um, I'll have to remember that when I have one of those "about last night times myself."

COAST

I've figured out what good it is to have a coast. You can sell it And where does it actually end? I mean is the beach part of the coast or if so, why do they call it a beach and not a sandy coast?

Plus it does worry me that apparently the coast is something somebody can steal. I mean if it isn't why do we need a coast guard? From what I've seen they are always in some boat. But I sort of thought that the coast was like land or something. So if it is man they are sure screwed up because if somebody was going to steal a coast and they are in the water is sure ain't going to let them do much to stop them is it?

The other thing I don't understand is the part about the coast being clear. I hear that in movies about criminals. They are always worried about the coast being clear. So I reckon it means that if it isn't clear you can see it well enough to steal it.

In addition what do you do if you do manage to steal a coast? Is there some place you can sell it? I've never heard of one.

But that is what helps me think that there is like some place where there are merchants who sell nothing, but coasts. Who buys them I have no idea. However they apparently got an army to make sure once they have stolen the coasts that nobody steals it again.

Otherwise there wouldn't be any what is called Merchant Marines. You got to wonder about that job. How do you tell if somebody is trying to steal a coast that was already stolen?

This is one of those things where I'm not sure I even want to know the answer. That is because somewhere in it I bet it involves something weird.

I just can't figure how it could be otherwise what with it being about a coast. And what is even more spooky is that there is apparently more than one coast. There is this thing called an East Coast and then there is a West Coast. Only nobody ever says what they are east and west of for sure? Kind of puzzles me.

Along with that I never hear about the South Coast or North Coast. So does that mean they are only something you find in the east or west? Seems kind of unfair to all the people who live in the North or South.

Oh well, I guess in this case, since there is a guard for the coast, I'll let them worry about whether somebody is trying to steal the coast when it is clear. Sounds like a pretty silly job to me, but I reckon we all have a right to do whatever makes us happy.

As for me, well, I don't imagine until somebody lets me know for sure where you find the coast other than at the beach, I'm going to lose much sleep on the subject. I think I'll just not go near it that way I don't have to worry about any guards who are watching the coast coming up and seeing me and thinking I'm trying to steal it.

BOAST

Now this is one of those things that is cool when you do it for the right reasons and you ain't lying. I don't personally get very thrilled hearing some clown bragging about being the best in the world about something that you know isn't true.

It is like seeing some joker who is built like an egg bragging about going to the gym a lot. He might, but it sure doesn't look like it.

I don't mean to rag on that kind of dude, I'm just suggesting that boasting you can't prove is not to me real boasting. It is just fancy lying and that is down right boring as far as I'm concerned.

But like I said if a person starts talking about how they are good at something and you know they aren't lying then I just consider that as being confident. You know such as if say they had a bunch of medals from winning some kind of contests and said they were great in that kind of sport, I know I would believe them.

Of course there are some kinds of boasting that well, I would rather not even discuss. Say for example if you are around this big huge cop and he has his hand on his nightstick. I consider that the kind of boasting where he doesn't have to really use any words.

And it is one situation where you can bet I won't be asking for prove that he is good at clobbering people. I'm more than willing to take his word for it, even if all it amounts to is him looking at me funny with his hand clutched to that nightstick.

So it all comes down to a matter in so many ways of making choices I guess. And most of the time I reckon it in part depends on how much you want to put up with listening to somebody do boasting.

For me that depends also on how much I like the person and how often I've heard them brag about junk that I know ain't true.

In the case of my buddy, Otis, well I have what are mixed emotions. On the one hand he sometimes starts boasting about junk and uses so many dang big words that I have no idea what the heck he is talking about. It just sounds way too much like he's boasting, but I can't say for sure.

That's okay though. Because then there are the times when he gets all boastful when talking to our boss. Normally, they are the times when he's saying something to explain why something we screwed up really wasn't a screw up after all. So he has to boast to make sure it looks like we did a good thing even if it was a bad thing.

It kind of you know, just works to save us from being yelled at too much by our boss. And believe me that kind of boasting sure works for me. As long as our boss Dr. Hemoglobin ends up believing it too.

So far I got to say, that happens only part of the time. Which is still better than not at all.

ROAST

I like roast, but I don't like always having to eat it when it means I got to sit at some dining table instead of at a tv tray. See whenever we have roast it is over at Granny Pott's house in her dining room. Which is still better than when Otis takes me to some fancy restaurant where I got to wear some stupid suit and tie.

Now the one good thing about roast is the leftovers you get to make into a sandwich. That I can eat wherever I want, which is extra cool. Too bad you can't just eat the leftovers and not have to put up with the dining room thing.

Anyway, despite the problems with that, I will take roast once and a while. I'll even have it with some gravy if need be. It is fun pouring it over stuff like mashed potatoes and biscuits, plus the roast.

Of course when nobody is looking I just mix all the stuff together. I mean I figure my tummy will hardly know the difference.

I just wish that everyone else looked at it that way. But no, they get all bent out of shape just because I sometimes spill it all over the table. Shoot the tablecloth is there. So it ain't like it is some big disaster as far as I can tell.

Oh well, I just learn not to let anyone else see me do that and then I don't get any complaints. I'm still have to avoid that habit I guess of trying to sample the roast while it is on the serving plate. I know I should use a fork to pick up a piece, but I just get kind of exciting and reach over and pick up the plate and sort of try to taste each piece to be sure it don't taste like it came from the cow's butt! It don't pay to take chances in that regard!

Now as much fun as all this roast stuff is, the one thing I don't get is why do they make some roast into coffee? I don't even drink the stuff, but I've heard of ground roast coffee. What's up with that?

I've see that coffee and it is black. So all I can figure is that somebody burnt the roast and then tried to hide it by grinding it up and tossing it in coffee where the black color wouldn't make the black roast so noticeable.

Why coffee, I'm not sure. I guess that is better than if they stuck it in hot chocolate. I sure wouldn't want to take sip of my hot chocolate and find some chunk of black stuff floating in it. I don't care if it is roast, I don't want it in my hot chocolate.

Plus I don't get why they bother to put the roast in a can? I mean when I go to the grocery store and I wander down the aisle with coffee cans there it is right on the can, "ground roast." That tells me somebody did that on purpose.

I don't know what kind of sick mind came up with that idea, but I'll pass. You got to wonder also how that roast manages to keep from spoiling in that can? I don't think I want to know!

TOAST

A little butter and jam and there ain't nothing better to help sneak up on a bowl of cereal to help start out a new day. Yep, toast is one invention in my book. It ranks right up with other miracles of our civilization like jelly beans, cable television and um, oh shoot once you mention jelly beans it sort of says it all.

Anyway, when it comes to toast, it just is one of those real deals that you can compromise on and still make it worth anything of value. None of this muffin stuff for me or them other things called bagels. Them they ought to call holes a lot since somebody done put a whole right in the middle where you would normally want to put butter. It wasn't the smartest idea I've ever seen, that's for sure.

So I guess you have figured out when it comes to toast, I'm in favor of it. Which I can see why not to be since it is a good thing. Never heard of anyone doing something bad like trying to rob a place using a piece of toast, have you?

But apparently my idea of toast and somebody else's isn't quite the same. I was in this restaurant one day, which is one more place to get toast, providing they serve breakfast, when I heard somebody mention toast. Only they said, "let's have a toast."

Not sure why you would only one "a piece of toast" and not two pieces, but I'm cool with that. Just in this case what didn't make sense was that these folks didn't have any toast of any kind. When they mentioned having a toast you would have figured at the very least somebody would have produced a loaf of bread and a toaster. Kind of hard to make decent toast without a toaster. At least I think it is.

It didn't apparently matter to these folks. And for a bit I really got a little worried since these folks were acting kind of weird.

Why shoot, instead of raising a butter knife, they lifted their glasses full of drinks. I'm sorry, but there is no way anyone could possible confuse something you drink with a honest-to-goodness piece of toast is there?

Then one of them muttered something about "here's to" and I was figuring it meant, "here's to where you can find the toast." Only instead of actually coming up with any toast they just started drinking whatever they had in their drinks.

I decided they must have been drinking that funny stuff that makes you see stuff that isn't there like our one neighbor who is always drinking from this bottle he keeps in a brown paper sack. I tell you when he gets enough of that stuff he sure ends up with lots of friends, only nobody can see them, but him.

I'm glad they all felt that imaginary toast was okay and drinking instead of eating was a good thing. As for me, I went home and had real toast. Which made me a lot more happy in my tummy I think that whatever they had in their stupid glasses. At least I got mine with butter. Don't think I want to try spreading it on any glass.

TURTLE LIVING

I call this living in a shell. And that can be a place where you can hide from all the crap that drives you nuts. Oh I admit that hiding ain't always a good answer, but you know, there are times when it is cool.

Let's face it there are times when everyone's life sucks. I wish that always happened in the form of an ice cream cone or lollipop, but that isn't the situation.

Which is why there are those occasions when my buddy, Otis, and I just love to go somewhere that nobody knows us and we are not bothered by being paged or called. Otis calls that an "oasis of serenity from the perils of stress." I call it finding something fun to do that let's us have a good time without being bugged by jerks such as rat boy, Junior Hemoglobin.

In any case I'm telling you that turtle living can be so cool for a little while. Not forever, mind you, even having fun could get boring if you had to do it all the time.

However, on a given occasion, which is given the fact that we can get away with it without somebody griping about us goofing off, I don't mind finding one of those shells to enjoy. It is in part dependent on how much money we got and also where we can go that we know nobody will see us that recognizes us.

A theater can work. It is dark inside and if you work it right like going when it isn't crowded that is one option.

The problem is that like that time when decided to go to the theater when they had a day when a old bunch of school kids were going. Kids are okay, but man can they be such a pain in terms of noise.

What we normally try to do is visit this amusement park in another city. And as long as we can get on the bus without someone like Granny Potts also riding it, we can generally be able to sneak away.

But if for some reason that doesn't work, then Otis has a few back up plans. Which is nice since we don't actually have to back up in order for them to work.

Now one of the things we have done is to tell everyone we are gone and then stay home. You can turn the place you live into a nice turtle shell place for a little while.

Of course that can be tricky too. I mean you have to be careful about going to places like the video store or ordering pizza to be delivered. People kind of know if you order pizza then you are probably going to be home.

We don't always manage to keep from being seen, but the nice thing about answer machines is you can at least not answer them when somebody calls. It is a little tougher to do when a person knocks on the door. But that is where having a mute button on the television remote really can be a life saver.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK: "Who did the kangaroo check with in order to be created with pockets? Seems kind of unfair to those of us with loose change."

COWS AND SINKS

Okay as part of my job as a grimefighter I'm always thinking in terms of ways to help cut down on the problem of filth and grime. It is just part of the way I do stuff. Kind of a natural reaction to when I see too much dirt that is way too muddy.

The other day I was out with Otis and we drove passed this dairy. Well I saw all them cows out on the dirt and wow, talk about a smell that would curl your nose, it sure would.

Well, naturally seeing all that mess and smelling that odor it occurred to me that man, there ought to be a way to clean that place up. How can you expect those poor cows to not be messy if you don't give them anyway of being cleaner?

That is when it came to me. The only way you could improve the situation would be if you could give the cows a chance to clean up a little. Which ought to be easy. All you needed was to give them a few sinks.

I don't know how smart them cows are, but I'm sure with a little encouragement they could be inspired to wash off after eating some hay or whatever. I had thought of maybe getting them all bibs to wear, but those could get dirty too.

I tried explaining my idea to Otis, but I don't know, he just never quite seemed to appreciate it. I got the impression he had just thought of something funny because right after I told him he started laughing so hard he had tears in his eyes. He never did tell me what the joke was he had been thinking about, but it sure must have been a good one the way he was laughing.

Anyway, with him laughing that hard I didn't get a chance to finish explaining all my ideas on this sink thing with the cows. It was a shame too because I knew it was a real winner of an idea.

Since Otis didn't give me a chance to finish talking what with him remembering that funny joke, I had to wait to get back to STINK headquarters and tell the other fellas all about it. I was sure one of them would want to help me check out how to get some nice sinks for them cows.

But you know what? I guess they also heard that same joke as Otis. Because man I hardly had a chance to even start in talking about the cows and sinks before they went a little too crazy laughing also.

I sure was unhappy that I hadn't found anyone to tell me what they all knew as a joke that made them laugh so hard. I wish I could. But every time I see them now, they just start laughing all over again.

Oh well, it is nice to know there is at least one joke out there that apparently is funny enough to keep so many people happy. Maybe one of these days I'll even find it out too.

APPETIZERS

I think I might have done something on this on another occasion, but I figure it is worth repeating. Now appetizers are those things that have appetite as part of their word, but aren't really intended to stop making you hungry. They are to me kind of snack to keep you from starving while you are waiting for the real food.

This is something that only happens in restaurants too. At home we never worry about having any appetizers since when we want to eat we just always get to the good stuff right away.

And this isn't even a big problem in all restaurants. If you go to a fast food restaurant, you don't mess with any appetizers, you just order your good stuff and eat the moment it comes.

Nope this only seems to apply to those fancy places where you have to wear stuff like shoes and socks and even underwe — um, well you got to dress up for the thing. Anyway, it is sort of pain in some ways. Because instead of having some big sign up where you can see the pictures of the food they give you a menu. It is mainly writing and gives you a description of whatever you can buy to eat.

Which is okay I guess, but to me if they just had pictures on the wall like the fast food places it would be better. At least from my way of thinking.

However, whenever Otis gets in the mood to go to sit down kind of restaurant, which is what he calls these places, then I'm stuck tagging along. Personally, I got no idea why they are called sit down since you do that in fast food places too. Well I do I know that.

So there we are, sitting and this dude called a waiter, only I'm not sure how much actually waiting he does, takes your order and scribbles it down an a piece of paper. Guess he doesn't have good memory or something.

And if they had one of those microphone hook ups like the fast food places he could just broadcast he order over that microphone or whatever. But that never happens.

In any case, on that menu somewhere they will have something about appetizers. That is okay I guess. Some of them aren't bad.

The one I haven't tried yet is the one you get with real big parties. They call it a gratuity. It only gets automatically included if you have a party of more than eight. Then they must slice it in portions, because you only get fifteen per cent of this gratuity. Makes me thing it must be extra rich if they have to make sure you only get a per cent's worth.

In the meantime, when we do get around to visiting those places, I let my buddy Otis do the appetizer ordering. I figure it never hurts to be too careful. Because they got this one called Spinach and Artichoke dip. And personally I don't want to take any chances of them trying to dip me in something full of Spinach and then choke me till I shout Artie. So far the have just brought us some bowl full of stuff to eat, but I don't what to risk them changing their minds on that idea.

STUFFED SHIRTS

Well, this certainly sounds like a bad idea. I mean an extra, super, no fooling, this can't be real type of bad idea.

I heard about it at work the other day. They were talking about some guy who was a real stuffed shirt. And it got me real worried since all I could think of is some dude trying to pretend he is a scarecrow.

Outside of somebody who lived on a farm, I can't imagine anyone even thinking being a scarecrow would be fun. And even then I do have to wonder what the joy would be in standing in some field and staying still all day. I'd hate to think of doing that wearing a bunch of dirty old clothes and having some big pole stuck up your butt. That would be painful too me.

But then I've never lived on a farm to speak off. Well I did grow up on a trout farm, but that is kind of different. We sure didn't need any scarecrows. Frankly, my cousins were great at being scary without being any stuffed shirt.

The other thing you got to wonder with this thing is what do they stuff the shirt with besides your gut? That could be scary if you hung around with some of the people I know. Man, there are some real crazy people I see at times. Oh they are okay to work, just not the kind I would want to trust to fill up any shirt.

And that especially includes Truly Grimey. Man, with the way she cooks it would be disgusting to think of what would be her idea of something you would want to use to stuff a shirt.

The possibilities just gives me the shakes. I mean that gal has the worst ideas on the planet on what tastes good. Unless you think spoiled and burnt are good flavors. I don't.

Hopefully, I won't ever to find out for sure. And I guess I'm also lucky that I haven't had to deal with that one dude that people say is a stuff shirt. Otis says the guy is full of crap. So you can be darn sure I don't want to get close to him. Or even end up standing downwind.

Outside of him though, I reckon I don't have to worry about the stuff shirt issue any time soon. I got no plans on going to any farm soon.

Although I got to remember where this farm is the guys at work keep saying that I belong. It is one where I reckon they spend a lot of time telling jokes. Because the guys call it the funny farm.

I guess I should feel honored they think of me as having a good sense of humor. In fact I reckon I'm so dang funny that even after I have left they are still laughing behind my back. Now that's a talent not everyone has.

CATCHING THE RED EYE

I hear this has a lot to do with flying. Well at least I imagine it does since the only time I've heard anyone use it is in an airport.

And let me tell you it sure sounds weird. This guy was talking on the phone to somebody and mentioned he was sleepy because he got the red eye out of this one airport. So I'm assuming that maybe it is a game you play to have something to do on a plane instead of just sleeping.

I only hope it ain't something ghastly like people tossing around somebody's glass eye. I sure wouldn't want to catch some glass eye that was all covered in blood or worse. Yuck!

Then too perhaps they might be talking about you know the letter "I" that is painted red. That would be okay I guess. Might be easy to catch.

Only how do you know if you win? Do they like let you off the plane first or something? Seems like a lame prize. But then perhaps that is what the thing about first class is all about. Yeah the winner of catching the red eye lucks out and gets to be considered as first class. Gosh, I wonder if they are short of parachutes that person is the one who doesn't get one? No, that would be more like the loser I reckon.

Also I can't help thinking this catching the red eye thing would also have to do with whether you get a chance to have what they call a one way trip or round trip. Oh yeah there is the non-stop flight. That part really sounds scary. I mean if you never stop then I guess it means they strap your butt to a wing and you are just stuck there forever. God talk about tough punishments for losing a game of catching a stupid red eye.

In any case, I don't think with all those dumb rules I plan on taking a flight anyway. Plus, although I got nothing against anyone named Jack, I do wonder you know how come it is required in some cases that you say hi to the Jack dude on a plane. And I hear they got what are called air marshals on some planes just to check on this Hi Jack thing. Jeez, now the is the last thing I would want is to piss off some guy named Jack because I forget to say hi and then some cops come over and beat my butt as punishment.

I suppose it ain't very surprising that planes fly so high in the air. With all the weird junk they expect you to do on planes I reckon they sure don't want you peaking through the windows and see the weird junk they are pulling.

Plus I do wonder what they benefit to round trip ticket is too? I guess if it thick enough you could sit on it so your butt doesn't get numb on the flight. But I wonder if that also if for the winner of the catching the red eye thing?

Well I know I got no plans for any plane trips any time soon. They can keep all that weird junk as far as I'm concern. Besides if I want weird I can just go over to where I work at STINK. And at least I don't have to risk getting off the ground in some big plane that where the pilot gets crazy or something and thinks he can suddenly park it in a bunch of trees. Personally, I don't understand air plane crashes. I mean don't they ever have their air brakes inspected to make sure they can stop when they need to?

WITH YOUR PERMISSION

Is this dumb or what? I say that because any time anyone has told me this I knew it didn't really matter whether they had my permission anyway. That was because they were going to do what they wanted and asking my permission was just a formality.

It is kind of like when some dude sits down and points a gun at your head and then says I would like all your money with your permission. As if you are really going to say no.

That is pretty much the kind of with your permission I encounter way too much. Mainly over where I work at STINK.

Most of the time old rat boy does this. Like he is some kind of mind reader or something. At least that is the way it seems at times.

We will be out fighting grime, collecting the garbage or whatever and when we come back old rat boy has made some decision. It almost always involves deciding for us about something that is going to happen at STINK. Only he makes the genius move to figure for us what is best for us and do it like he had our permission.

Most of the time it is with stupid and silly junk, like ordering condiments for the lunchroom. I mean to me mayonnaise and mustard taste okay regardless of the brand. But that doesn't mean it would be nice if at least we were ask first our choice. That is because they always make a big deal about such choices are one of our benefits.

And then they turn around and make the choices for us. If we mention it to them they always give us this long talk, which amounts to more of a bunch or words that don't really mean a darn thing.

Oh we go through this game with them naturally. We let them say whatever then we point out how it is crap. Along the lines they will say something about always asking our permission next time, but they never do.

I tell you there are times when it really makes me wonder how come for a great organization like STINK where we are suppose to be fighting so much filth and grime in the world we end up with things sucking so bad they smell. Yeah it really bugs me. The two kind of don't go together and I really hate that part.

But then there are the moments when they surprise us and actually do something good too. Heck they even do some good junk that is for us without our permission. Like deciding to surprise us with free pizza for lunch.

Still they do it without asking our choice of type of pizza. That kind of sucks at times. But then I guess I have to take the good with the bad as Otis is often fond of saying. Which to me accepting that when they do order pizza I have to be sure I get a piece without those crummy little fishes on them.

NO DISRESPECT INTENDED

Now this is such a lame saying. I mean think about it. If you have to say it to somebody then you know upfront it is likely to piss them off. So if you just kept your mouth shut you wouldn't even need to worry about it, right.

Like anybody is really fooled into thinking that even if you say that you didn't actually plan all along to say something insulting, but you don't want to risk getting smacked. So you toss in that no disrespect intended crap to make it sound better.

I do wonder you know if it simply wouldn't be better to start out with something like "well buddy, the thing is I see you as a first class moron. And I know if I tell you that you'll go King Kong on my ass and beat me senseless. So instead I'm just going to say I didn't mean it, even though I really did."

Yeah, that would be fun. It might not keep you from getting pulverized by some clown with more muscles than IQ, but what the heck, it might at least be worth a try.

Of course you know basically that is the advice I give others. That is because it is the advice I've been given by my buddy Otis.

In fact he takes it to heart so much that he generally doesn't even bother to tell anyone else something disrespectful anyway. What he normally does is tell me and then tell me not to say anything. Only the moment he says that I kind of go nuts and it is like I get diarrhea of the mouth and out it comes.

I guess I can't blame Otis for not admitting he told me too when the person goes nuts and decides to get out his bat to show me his appreciation. Depending on if I can get to my bat first depends on whether I have to run away or give some lame apology.

I tell you this disrespect thing sure gets annoying at time. I just wish life was a lot more simpler in that regard. Only, I'm not quite sure how that would work for real.

I mean it would be like playing a game. However, if nobody else decided to play it could get confusing if not painful.

Plus you always have the clown who makes up the rules as he goes along and the other jerk who cheats. So it all gets complicated.

Which I guess is why somebody once said if you can say something nice then don't say something to anybody too tall. Er, I guess it was sort of like that. Which could really be a big deal if you aren't very tall either.

But I reckon whether it is a good idea or not, there are those who will always decide to do it their way. They never worry about the disrespect thing I imagine. Which is okay as long as you have that work "duck" practiced perfectly. That is one word I've sure learned over the years too.

AGAIN AND ALMOST SORT OF...

Ever have that junk you got to do more than once, but you really hate doing it so you try to say it is something different? I'm not talking about chores so much. Those are a kind of again you have to do. So those don't count in my book.

I'm thinking more in terms of junk that I have to do as a grimefighter. It is sort of chore, but it isn't since I don't have to be a grimefighter if I don't want. They call that being a volunteer and it can be pain if it means doing crap more than once you could live without ever doing again in your entire life.

For me the top of that list includes when we have to do sewer patrols. It really stinks when we got to do that for STINK. But we do have to do it sometimes. I mean griminals don't exactly hang out at only good places.

Our boss knows it too, which is why he sometimes tries to give it a different name than sewer patrol. We all know he is talking about sewer patrol, but it does help to sort of call it something else.

I guess my favorite is when he calls it stealth filth recognition. That is how he describes it because most of the time it is sort of dark in the sewers we check. So the stealth part makes it sort of sound cool.

As for the filth recognition, well I don't know, he kind of throws that in like this is going to require any real thought. But we all understand that is just more for a reason to make it sound good, which it ain't.

After all filth sort of is what you expect to find in a sewer anyway. And recognizing it ain't that hard either. We just normally accept that is a way to make it sound better.

Course the truth is once you get down in that stupid sewer the one thing it isn't is better. Oh you can try holding your breath. It works for a few seconds. However, sooner or later you got to breath. Then you sure do tell the difference.

About the only good thing is we don't have sewer patrol all the time, just once and a while. Basically, there is enough time between each time we have to do it that you can nearly forget the whole last time you got stuck with the duty.

So it does help during those times to have it given another name. Which sort of makes you forget what you really have to do. That is till you are standing in the sewer and that first blast of stink hits you. Believe me at that point you don't have amnesia very long.

Still it is kind of nice for a while to have that sort of name that helps you forget that what you are about to do is really crappy. Sometimes when you call a rose or whatever by another name it does make a difference. Too bad it isn't forever. Because let me tell you my nose definitely knows the change regardless of what name you sort of give it.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK: "Why do they only call it 'self-serve' at a gas station when I have to serve myself at a grocery store too?"

AND AWAY WE DON'T GO

There was this famous comedian who had this television show a long time ago who said "away we go" a lot. I think it was a good thing.

Well I don't know if my boss ever watched that dude, but he sure loves to get us all excited to the point we all are ready to go away somewhere to fight grime. Which is a pretty good thing when it works right.

He'll have these speech times where he'll hold like this pep rally. We don't get cheerleaders though. And let me tell you with the kind of women that Dr. Hemoglobin hires to work for us, it is probably a good idea they don't do much cheering.

Now, I don't want to rag on them nice ladies for trying to be friendly and helpful, but God sure didn't see fit to make them exactly the most um, photogenic of gals on the planet. Not that it is a big deal in terms of them doing stuff like typing. Shoot nobody cares what somebody who types looks like.

But if they get up and put on some cheerleaders outfit the first thing I would say is the should not wear something that draws attention to a hump. Oh a few other aspects, which sort of take the enthusiasm out of the whole cheering thing.

In addition, if they are going to try and do a cheer, like the kind you hear at ball games, it might be helpful if they could spell. It hardly inspires if you hear they say something like "gimmie a C" and then when they get done trying to spell clean they have added in a couple extra L's and a Z somewhere. When they ask, "What's that spell?" We all just look at each other and go "beats me."

Which is no way let me tell you to get a person excited about rushing off to fight grime if you start out scratching your head. Shoot, even when we leave in the garbage truck to go on patrol we are still looking at each other and asking, "Was that a good t hing?"

I do wonder if the griminals have cheerleaders? If so, I hope they are as bad as ours. That way at least we would know they were as confused as us. Then we could look forward to both being too confused to let the cheering do much good.

In the meantime, I am giving thought to maybe coming up with a few cheerleading ideas of my own. My first thought was to perhaps try something to get everyone's attention. I was sort of thinking in terms of lighting a few firecrackers that I had stuffed in some fruit and tossing them at the guys. I bet that would wake them up and get their attention.

But I haven't quite gotten Otis to cooperate on that idea yet. I'm sure he will in times. As long as I can guarantee him that this time I won't mistake that dynamite for a really big firecracker. You do that once and blow up something like an office and nobody seems to want to let your forget it. Especially, if it happens more than once. Even if I don't count the second time since the building wasn't damaged that much in my opinion. Besides even Dr. Hemoglobin said they were going to tear that place down anyway.

REALLY SUPER DUDS

Boy if there is one thing I hate it is this business about them talking on television with regards to some new product. They make it sound so cool. A really super duper deluxe whatever. Only when you do order it and it comes to the house, it never seems to work as good as it did in that commercial.

Which makes me think this is the delivery guy's fault. I figure he probably dropped the thing and was afraid to tell me. That really bugs me to since if anybody is going to break something I buy it ought to be me.

Course then I also figure that perhaps it isn't the driver's fault either. Maybe it was his boss. You know the guy who unloaded it from some truck before giving it to this driver. He might have messed it up. You just never know for sure, do you?

That is the problem. You can't figure out who is the person that needs to get the snot beat out of them the most. It can be tough when you can't find the right person to blame.

Well one thing I thought about doing was going over to one of those delivery places and seeing if I could act like I wanted to work for them. Then I could watch them and see who is the person that most likely is careless or accident prone.

Boy do they ask a lot of weird questions when you call up one of those places to find out about getting a job. The first thing they asked was my name. I figure it must have been some kind of trick question. Like I wouldn't know my own name.

Then they asked me if I had any experience and delivery things before. Now that was an even dumber question to me. I mean if I had experience wouldn't that mean I already was doing that kind of work for somebody?

Anyway, I did my best to answer those questions, but then they told me I had to come in and fill out an application. That was a really stupid thing to suggest if you ask me.

I filled out a pair of pants before. But an application? How the heck would it be big enough to fit over my butt? Honestly that was so insane.

I never did manage to get to the delivery part either. They told me first I had to come in for an interview. Hey, there ain't no way I'm going to buy into the idea a talking box is going to ask me a bunch of silly questions.

Then they told me I had to have training. Like I need them to teach me how to drop box. I tell you if that is an example of the way these jokers thing I'm not surprise the stuff I buy on television never works when I get it.

Maybe them guys ought to try buy a few things on television and having them delivered and not work and then they would know how it feels. But then it would be my luck they would be more careful with that delivery!

A HELPING HAND OFF

Oh yeah this is so incredible when it works. You're sitting there dreading yelled at for blowing it big time and then whammo you get an unexpected break and get to hand off of the blame to somebody else. That's what I call mercy in the first degree and second and just about anyway you want to describe it.

I just wish I could guarantee that kind of luck all the time. But one reason I can't is because I'm not good enough as a liar to get away with blaming the other grimefighters all the time.

Most of the time this mainly works for me when my buddy Otis comes to my rescue. There just ain't anybody cooler and thinking up junk to save my butt and make our boss, Dr. Hemoglobin think we didn't screw up when we did.

Unfortunately, there are times when for one reason or another my buddy gets busy and I'm stuck in our boss's office with having to try and keep him from staying too red face. If only he didn't ask the wrong questions so often. I mean like the ones where he expects me to explain why we accidentally on purpose ran over some creep with the garbage truck.

Shoot, I said it was an accident. Well, naturally at the time when I started the truck up while Otis was taken a potty break I thought the dude was a griminal. He did look suspicious in that black suit and all.

But leave it Otis to point out that I missed the fact that he was wearing that priest's collar. You know my boss ain't too cool about understanding the concept of OOPS that well in that regard.

So it ends up with me sitting there while he gets all red face, tugs at his collar and starts rambling about lawsuits, God and thunderbolts. Boy does it get boring.

The one good thing is when Otis manages to show up and points out how the emergency brake on the truck was faulty and gave out just as that dude was walking in back of our truck. It gets tough getting him to accept that the truck back up over the guy two or three times.

At least the real fun part is when Otis starts talking about how the mechanics were what he calls remiss in doing their safety check. I really love when he manages to hand off the blame to them.

As for Dr. Hemoglobin, I'm not sure he's all that thrilled by that part. He seems to get a little disappointed when he can't give us a lecture.

But as long as my buddy is hanging in there and finding good ways to hand off the blame, then I'm happy. I sure hope he can come up with a good finger pointing option for the last goof I made. I wonder who he can blame for me stopping up the toilet? Guess I'll have to wait and see.

REALITY PLUCKS

Now I've it said how reality sucks. Meaning there are times when it is a pain in the butt. And no matter how you try to dodge the facts they don't go away, the little gremlins.

But there are ways you can manage to find a smile despite the disruptions of the facts. Little options we all have that can make life a little easier.

I consider that a method of enjoying life when you might otherwise get depressed. It really is a good option to being grumpy.

I learn this choice from my buddy Otis. He is so cool at coming up with ways to make crummy stuff like reality seem so much better.

It is like when I feel my life isn't that great. Oh I do love being a grimefighting super hero and being a garbage man is fun too at times. But, I don't know, there are times when you just don't seem to do that good at having other people appreciate our efforts.

That's when I start reflecting, not in the mirror, but in my head, on just how super great it is to b a super hero. Unfortunately, that can be kind of depressing when I start thinking of how nobody seems to care or ever say thank you.

Which is when my buddy sort of fixes things by plucking a new reality out of thin air or wherever he gets it from. It often helps a lot too.

Like with the grimefighter thing he'll mention how so many people are as appreciative because they secretly are jealous of our jobs. They really wish they could be super heroes too.

So when we bust into the wrong place and beat up the wrong person by accident when people get all bent out of shape they are just saying how they secretly wish they had been doing the clobbering. That is why they get so mad and sometimes honestly get kind of carried away with their act of being upset instead of jealous.

As for my buddy and I, heck after he gets through helping to pluck reality from wherever he plucks it I feel a lot better. And we keep hanging in there and enjoying stuff.

And as they say, you got to take the good with the bad. That means I guess I also got to allow for those times he plucks reality out of whatever when it comes to stuff like snacks.

That is when he sits down with cookies on his breath and their crumbs on his face and tells me how a group of cookie thieves broke into the house and stole all those cookies we had. Yeah, I pretty much figure that is one of those reality plucks that isn't necessarily all that real. But it is okay, I just keep remembering the cool times when he made me feel better. That is my own version of reality plucks and it has worked pretty good, except when Otis eats all the cookies!

NOWHERE UNDERWEAR

Well some people probably never think of underwear in such terms. But I do. I mean I think it is absolutely essential to respect the fact that there is underwear for different occasions. And if you don’t know that then I think there is a bigger problem.

See the basic issue to me is that you have to be far more picky about underwear you use when going somewhere instead of what you were when going nowhere. Why? Well that ought to easy to figure out. You are as likely to have a big problem with having an emergency at home are you?

However, when you go out you never know what terrible things could happen. You could be abducted by aliens or have an accident. Gosh the possibilities are just terrible.

And do you really want to risk going out somewhere to end up unconscious and everyone in the world finding out you had on a pair of dirty underwear? That ain't the kind of think I would want to cope with. It would awful.

After all I am a grimefighter super hero type and I got a reputation to protect. I can't afford to risk having somebody think I not taking this whole underwear serious.

That's all outdoors concerns you understand. I'm speaking of outdoor as the moment I go outdoor my apartment door.

All of that of course is important when you have to leave the house. Then if you screw up and aren't careful with the underwear thing you have no one to blame, but yourself.

At home though things can sure be different. If you wear some grungy pair of underwear it is okay. Since you aren't likely to worry about somebody sneaking in and demanding to see your underwear. Let me tell you if somebody did they would be in big trouble trying to stick their hands down my pants!

So instead you know I just to relax and enjoy the times when the stress of clean underwear only demands aren't too tough on me. Those can be the best of times.

Why heck if I really get wound up and am feeling extra daring I might even do something truly risky. Like say, and please don't tell anyone, sit around in a pair of underwear that haven't been washed for a while.

That ain't always a bad thing though. I have learned to just keep those moments to myself though. But it is a good feeling to every once and a while go a little crazy. Oh I do try to keep that under control you under. You can give in to those urges all the time. Boy would that be dangerous. However, once and a while it is just cool to relax and be an average Joe or in my case average Philo.

ON THE SURFACE

I figure this has to do with submarines in some way. That because somewhere in those submarine type war movies they get around to mentioning surfacing or on the surface in some way.

Which is okay by me I guess. Only I never knew there were as many preoccupied with submarines as apparently there are.

Take my buddy, Otis. He will bring up this on the surface thing from time to time. That is okay only I’m not sure how submarines figure into what he is talking about.

We’ll be sitting there at STINK where we work for example and talking about some new policy or chore we got to do. Then I’ll make a comment about how that policy or chore seems to be silly or strange.

That is when he’ll toss in that on the surface it might seem that way. Hey, we don’t even live near the beach, let alone go around any submarines, so I got no idea how a silly policy at STINK could figure into being on some boat that goes underwater.

Personally, I think it is just a case of Otis getting to hung up on the subject of submarines. Why he has such a hang up about them that he even insists upon getting sandwiches shaped like them, which is why I figure they name them after one.

In a way I don’t mind that part since those taste pretty good at times. I just don’t think those sandwiches would do good being used like a submarine even if they look like them. The bread would get all soggy if you placed them on the surface of any water.

And I don’t they would float either. So perhaps the main reason they call them that besides how they look is that if you eat enough of them at one time you really have a full stomach in a way that kind of gives you a sinking feeling. At least it does for me, maybe not anyone else.

However, I can live with that though. I mean there is nothing better than to sit there on a certain day when you are real hungry and gobble down a whole fleet of them suckers. With a few gallons of root beer, ten or twelve bags of chips and a few dozen cookies for dessert.

I did try to make it feel more like it was involved with a submarine by shouting “dive, dive” a few times. Didn’t really work though. The people in the sandwich kind of gave us some strange looks when I did it.

But that’s okay I guess. We just go in an order our sandwiches to go these days. That was sort of the people who work there idea. They made it right after I wanted to know how long their sandwiches would float on the surface of whatever.

Guess they like to keep such info a secret. I suppose that is okay as long as they keep selling the sandwiches without letting them get soggy.

BIGGER IS BETTER

Now what really confused me about this is hearing some lady say it. And let me tell you bigger wasn’t what would describe her. She was really tiny. So why she figured bigger was better was more than I could figure out.

I did understand that she was probably talking about guys who bag groceries because she said something about a bigger guy being good in the sack. Well, I’m sorry, but that is just plain dumb and stupid if you ask me. I’ve been in the grocery stores plenty of times and never once seen any bag dude actually get into a bag. But one thing I do know a bigger guy would have all kinds of problems with that.

It sure is weird what some people thing is a good idea. And frankly I think it is the case with this bigger is better thing.

Because let me tell you the biggest dude I know is Bugly Ugly Savage. That knuckle dragging, no neck, head scraping on the ceiling is a real monster. But better?

About the only thing I can think of that he is better at is eating stuff like small cars. That ape will eat anything, I swear. If you happen to be around when he gets the munchies, run!

Which might be better if you had lots of stuff you needed to get rid of, but other than that I don’t think he is better in any way. As for the sack thing, shoot he would most likely eat it. What could is that.

Oh well, I didn’t get a chance to ask the lady any details on this bigger is better thing. She was in a hurry because she was telling this person on the cell phone that she had a hot date. I reckon it was probably some small bag of dates she kept in her purse. Not sure how that is a good thing.

But apparently for her it has something to do with luck and stuff like solitaire. That’s because she said if the date played his cards right he would get lucky. Never thought of a date as being a guy before. Must be some special kind I haven’t seen before.

Anyway when I get a chance I think I will try and find out more about how come dates need to be hot and sacks full of guys that are bigger are better than ones that are so big. Not sure who I can check with though.

I know I’ll ask the Reverend Analbe. Yeah he talks to God and all so if anybody ought to know he will.

Plus with all those donuts he eats he definitely qualifies as bigger. And he always has them in a sack. So I bet he knows all about that bigger thing.

Not sure on the date part though. Never seen him with any of them. But maybe he keeps them inside the bag. That would be the only way they would get warm I reckon.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK: "Why is it inspiration when you are writing or creating something artistic and perspiration when you are creating sweat? Would that mean it would 'inperspiration' if you write about sweating?"

WAVE AND CRAVE

I’ve been giving this waving business some thought lately. I got to ask, what is the deal with that? I mean what purpose does it really serve? I sure would like to answer that one.

Normally you would figure that we would be doing the wave thing to somebody we know. Sort of a wave of saying hi to a pal. Only how come you see people riding on floats in a parade do all that stupid waving? Do they honesty expect me to believe they know everyone who is in the crowd watching the parade? I don’t think so.

There was a time when I figured that perhaps this waving thing had to do with making sure you deodorant worked correctly. But then some people don’t raise their arms when waving so I figured that probably wasn’t the case after all.

Now you might ask what a wave has to do with a crave or craving? Well I guess that depends on why you are waving. I mean I figure having a craving for something ought to be a cool reason to wave. You know you could sit there and wave to get somebody’s attention who was serving whatever and have them fetch you some of the same.

Only problem is with some people if you start waving at them and they aren’t sure why they can get all bent out of shape. Why there was this one time when I was waving at this waitress to get her attention and she ran over and told this big dude and the next thing I knew he was coming over to try and rip off my arms.

That didn’t exactly end with us being the best of friends. It wasn’t tell later though that my buddy Otis told me that apparently without realizing it I ended up instead of waving my whole hand, just waving my middle finger. I had this cramp in my hand and fingers and I guess didn’t realize I had messed up that way.

And there I was just innocently trying to wave because I had this craving from something good to eat and almost ended up being beat to a pulp. Well you can’t always get what you want I guess. I know I had to go elsewhere to help with that craving. Only then I just told them what I wanted without any waving.

So hopefully when we are all done with this I can help somebody else along the way and manage to make sure they are extra careful with the waving thing when having a craving. If I keep one person from risking being beat to a pulp for having a sticky middle finger while waving then I will feel I was successful along the way.

The other rule perhaps being to be sure you keep your cravings in place where maybe you don’t do have them when you are waving. It doesn’t hurt to be careful in that regard.

I know I learned my lesson. At least I hope so. I just make sure I eat extra everything to avoid the need for craving in the first place. As for the wave part. Well, I’m still working on that part I guess. Hard to say when it will be taken care off. Hopefully befoe I have another craving.

TREASURE CHESTS

Okay whose got these golden lungs that they can call them a treasure chest. I reckon it has something to do with singing, but not sure why that is a good treasure.

I suppose everyone is entitled to their idea of a treasure chest no matter how weird it might seem to ordinary folks. But as far as I’m concerned that ain’t really my idea of the kind of treasure I’m crazy about.

Otis took me once to see this think they call an opera. And the dude doing most of the signing was called a tender. Boy let me tell you from the way he was bellowing I reckon he had a really bad case of hemorrhoids or something. Which might have explained why he spent the whole time standing up.

Man if I had to shout like that from that kind of pain the last thing I would want to do is stand up before a bunch of people so they would know I was tender. Let alone be famous for it like Otis said this guy was.

I sat there though and tried to make sense of the whole thing, which sure wasn’t easy since I couldn’t understand a word the dude was singing. It was just loud. That much I knew and also I knew when it was over too.

Well sort of. When they talked about an “innard”mission, I figured that meant a potty break so you relief your innards. But then after that Otis made me go back inside and sit down to hear this dude do some more of his singing.

Now you would have figured that somebody would have bothered to have gotten that poor dude some help when we were all out taking a break. But you know from what I could tell nobody did a darn thing for the guy. He just kept singing.

In any case eventually it all came to an end. That was the part when everyone had to clap. I’m not sure if we were clapping because it was over or out of sympathy for that poor tender dudes.

I was glad that when he decided to take a bow he didn’t get inspired to moon us. I mean if he really did have hemorrhoids that could really gross a person out.

If that had happen you can be darn sure I would have made sure he was tender in a whole lot of places that just his behind. But at least he behaved himself on that part.

Not sure I have a clue on why he was wearing them funny looking clothes. In fact there were a whole bunch of people on that stage dressed funny. Maybe part of being tender had to do with using the wrong kind of soap in his washer.

I can’t say that for sure. But I still think if that was the case I know I wouldn’t want ot go around singing how it made me tender. Otis didn’t seem to want to let me ask any questions on that part though. Frankly, I wouldn’t to have to go and listen to the dude again to see if he changed soaps okay.

FINDING IT

I really hate hearing about this it business. Especially when I have no idea what it is. Or even a clue.

The other day I stopped over at this coffee shop to get something to eat. This dude dressed in what seemed to me like a bed sheet came in and started singing while banging on this tambourine. He was an okay singer I guess. Although I have heard a lot better at times.

Anyway after he got through entertaining us with his version of singing, which seemed more like rap music only he didn’t doing any rhyming and mentioned weird junk like clouds a lot, then he started talking. I got the impression he was trying to sell something only he never did get around to showing me what he was selling.

What he did do was talking about finding it. That was the difficult part since he never quite got around to saying what it was suppose to be.

I listened to him go on and on about finding this it without once saying what the it was. So finally I got tired of listening to that dribble and demanded he explain it or take a hike.

That joker really got me pissed off then. Because then he started talking about being one with the universe. Only again he never said what the one was. Like that was a big help.

So again I let him ramble for a bit and then told him to stop clowning around and either explain this one with the universe crap or leave me alone. I had to say that. That’s when he really started to bug me.

He went into this long conversation about how we are all part of the same life force and need to unite ourselves with our inner essence so we will have harmony with our surroundings. Well the only force I know of that talks about uniting stuff is the police force so I asked him if that meant we were to like take a cop to lunch or something since he mentioned something about surroundings.

Let me tell you that sure was a mistake. At that point he got to talking again about how important it was that you find it before you could achieve harmony. So there we were back on the subject of this it thing again.

Eventually, I just gave him a couple of bucks since he kept hinting about how money was bad unless you shared it. He seemed pretty happy with that part. Then he just went outside and started talking to some other people. Or I should say he tried. Most of them wouldn’t stop long enough to give him a chance.

I suppose if I learned anything out of this it would probably be that the it you got to find is in the same place you find your pocket book and oneness with the universe is a dollar bill. Gee I wonder if you can have a five, ten or twenty with the universe?

LESS THAN MORE

I like the idea of more as long as it isn’t too much. With some stuff you can have too much of it. Like work. I prefer less than more. And I have a feeling I’m not alone in looking at it that way.

One think that confuses me though is the idea of money being better with having less instead of more. I mean I don’t see how you can buy more with less money. Unless you are getting on sale or something.

But the way I figure the government must have decided by some standard that when it comes to money less than more is better for us working people. After all, if that wasn’t the case then why would they spend so much time figuring new ways of taking it away from us?

Heck they not only believe it, but created that thing they call a service. I always thought a service was something that was supposed to help you? But how does some service that specializes in taking away your money be a good thing for me?

Plus I wonder about that name. The Internal Revenue? Internal is inside right? When did my gut make any money? Oh my stomach can churn and cause enough gas to make me belch or fart, but I don’t see where I can get paid any money for that.

So why do we need an Internal Revenue when my stomach don’t make money, but they end up taking my regular money that is in my bank account or wallet? That isn’t inside. Well inside a building maybe, but that isn’t the kind of internal I had in mind.

I mean if it were the kind of internal that applied too just any old inside then does it mean they got to look for money in places like shoe boxes and closets too? I don’t recall them mentioning when they go looking for money how they want to check your sock drawer or laundry hamper. Sure doesn’t sound like they are very consistent in that regard.

But then I reckon it isn’t important to the government to do things that make sense. After all they are the government and it is their job to know what they doing since they are well, the government. And if it doesn’t make sense to me well that’s okay I guess. After all with them always out there trying to do all that stuff that is suppose to help me I can appreciate how they wouldn’t have time to explain it all.

I still think they ought to work on the service thing though. Especially, when it comes to this idea of finding money inside places where there might not be money.

Anyway, if and when I find out where you can ask those kinds of questions I will. I tried calling the phone number in the phone book they had listed for calling the government direction. But I think there was something wrong with my phone. Because when I called them and tried asking questions I ended up with them hanging up. Well it seemed like they just hung up on me. However, it was probably just trouble with the phones. I had that problem with lots of places. For some reason I just always end up getting disconnected a lot when I call and start asking questions.

BEING THE BEST

Is there anything cooler than this? I love the idea of being able to claim to be the best of something. The problem is actually being the best. That can be a real draw back to claiming it.

Providing you want to claim the best when you are really the best and are not just making it up. I know people who do that. They always say that they are the best at something only it generally ends up being something that you can’t prove. You know you got no way to know since there isn’t a contest or championship for such stuff.

What do you say to a dude who says he is the best at dumping trash cans? I haven’t quite got that part figured out. It comes up a lot over at STINK since we do naturally work as garbage men besides being super heroes. And I don’t know why, but the guys sure love to make a big deal over this.

You should hear them sitting around and bragging how they pick up a trash can better than anyone else. Man it gets so dang ridiculous at times.

My buddy Otis and I just sit there and shake our heads when they get into claiming that. How on earth do you ever prove something in that regard? That doesn’t seem to matter to them though.

So we just sit back and them ramble like it really matters. I think I would consider it as important if they actually you know got something for claiming it. Like a crown or a medal or even a trophy.

But it isn’t like there is any reward. Still that doesn’t matter. They will be sitting there and flapping their beaks and bragging how few seconds it took to dump a can. If that wasn’t enough then they also get all jazzed about telling you how heavy the can was. Yeah, like that is going to be something they can prove either.

Anyway, my buddy Otis and I just sit back and let them make a fool of themselves. They just enjoy talking and we enjoy sitting and enjoying our drinks and whatever munchies they have that day in the lunchroom.

Later he and I will be off on our trash route or whatever and have a good laugh about it. Yep, we love it and sitting around talking about how stupid it is.

Then we get all happy about knowing how unlike those guys we only know we are the best at stuff that really counts. Things like eating jelly beans. Oh I know that some people might question me being able to claim that, but to be honest I don’t even care. Because when my tummy is full of jelly beans that last thing I worry about is whether it has more in it that somebody else.

It just goes to show that there are some kinds of things that are best for which you can feel them more than talk about them. And that kind of best never loses its flavor!

JUST BUSINESS

I hear this in movie where some bad guy says it just before he ends up giving some guy a lead sandwich. He always says something like, “nothing personally, just business.” So what is the deal? I mean if you are going to blast some dude regardless of the reason it sure sounds pretty darn personal to me. And if it isn’t personal how much worse would it be if you were treating it as personal.

Plus what the heck kind of business is it where you run around putting holes in people where they don’t need holes or even want them? I tell you there are sure some strange dudes out there with weird ideas of what is business and what is personal.

Now as a grimefighter I do have occasion when I have to tangle with some bad guys. But I can sure tell you one thing I have never ever sat down before bashing them with my bat and said, “nothing personal, just business.”

Anyway I guess that works in the movies I suppose. I think that is the only place. And I don’t think it would work in any business I’ve been in.

Shoot if you were to walk into any store that I know of and stick a gun in his face I don’t think the store owner would treat it as just business. And neither would the cops as far as I can tell. Heck, if they did think it was just business then they might treat when they pull their cannons out and blast you as business too.

Only I reckon for a policeman that really is business ain’t it? Funny I guess I never really gave that much thought before, but yeah for the police who have to take care of bad guys I reckon it has to be mainly business.

Oh I suppose in a way it is also personal. I mean I could hardy blame them for deciding to feel good when they blasted some jerk who was doing bad junk. I know I wouldn’t.

But since most of us aren’t cops I imagine we don’t get the same chance to give this quite as much thought in that regard huh? Which is probably a good thing.

After all it would be kind of scary if everyone you dealt with had this thing about blasting people being a business thing. That could get real confusing if you ask me.

I could just imagine how that would work. You go into some store and buy whatever and then instead of the clerk giving you some change he pulls out a gun and BAM!

That sure would keep me from wanting to shop at that store again. And that would definitely not be just business as far as I’m concern.

In any case, as far as I’m concerned there sure wouldn’t be a reason to even see the clerk holding a gun in any store unless it was one that sold guns. Then it would be okay as long as they didn’t decide to demonstrate how it worked by using you for target practice.