USE A GUN, GO TO PRISON

Use a gun, go to prison

All I can say to this is, whew! I mean I don't have a gun, well I do have a squirt gun, but I don't imagine that is the same.

Anyway, I suppose this makes sense. You know to discourage knuckleheads from doing weird junk with guns.

I mean like trying to use it as a hammer. That is dumb. But I bet it happens. And that is not a good thing.

Or say if they use if for a paperweight. You drop one of those suckers and you could be in big trouble if it falls on your foot.

Oh well, since I don't plan on doing any of those I won't worry about it much. Though I do have to wonder why you would go to prison for that?

The only thing I can think of is that the person like dropped it on some cops foot. Definitely not a good choice.

Yeah, you got to be careful of those choices. I wouldn't recommend it. Not if you want to avoid getting in big trouble.

Hmmm, I wonder if they get at ticket for that? Wonder what kind of school they send you to for that dumb mistake?

Gee, I bet it could be something such as that place called the NRA. Oh yeah that probably stands for something such as No Rifles Allowed.

Why I imagine they even do stuff like drop guns on your foot to be sure you learn how stupid it is. That would sure not be a fun thing to me.

COCO DREAMS

Now the one thing that makes life better is those times of hot chocolate. Or some other version of chocolate.

There are some out there that would not agree I guess, but then that is their problem. As for me, well I'm all for it.

Yep, there is nothing tasty for times when life sucks that some coco joy. You can sit back, relax and pretty soon forget whatever is bothering you.

And let me tell you I've seen the ones that don't do that. They eat weird. Like that stuff called Wheat Germ.

I have to ask, does any sane person really think this is as good as chocolate? I mean the very name sounds scary.

I really want to eat something from wheat that has germs? Not thanks I will pass on that part.

Just sounds so odd. And that is just one of many things they sell at places called health food stores.

What I want to know is how these things are healthy. Did those foods life a long time? What made them so dang healthy?

Why shoot I bet somewhere when nobody was looking they ate chocolate. Just didn't admit to it.

Nope, I imagine they will lie about that part. Yep, you can be sure that somewhere beyond that they probably have a bag of some candy hidden.

Course that is okay. I don't imagine it will matter much. They are just the types to do that kind of thing.

Which is kind of what I would expect. Some people get strange about food. And then they want you to agree with them.

But the way I deal with it is to like just pretend it is no big deal. Well while they are shoving some weird food in my direction.

Then while they are off eating that stuff. I fake sampling it. Then when they aren't looking I sit back and grab some chocolate.

Yep, it is fun. And I am glad I don't have to deal with those people every day. Don't want to fake it that often.
Nope that is not fun.

SHOW TIME

Ah, this is my pride and joy on Saturday nights. That is when we rent DVD's and sit down for a night of movie magic.

Not sure how much magic there is at times, but that is what they call it over at the rental store.

And I'm really happy when it works out that way. Just sort of messes up at times. Mainly when a movie we rent turns out to be boring.

That is so annoying. You know you look at the things said about the movie on the back and you think, wow this must be fantastic.

Then having some movie critic call it great only makes things worse. With some movies you are left wondering if they watched it with their eyes closed.

Yeah if it sucks bad enough then you like just are left scratching your head and wondering what kind of morons work as a movie critic. Must be pretty bad if they say this stinker was great.

But I guess somebody thought it was a good idea. Not me. And I can't imagine anyone else would either.

Oh well that is okay. I suppose somebody has to make a movie from time to time. Just not sure why they would figure out to make this type of junk.

But all I wish was that they would take time to at least check with somebody else for a change. Is that too much to ask?

I mean really once and a while they could take the time to check with us that watch all kinds of movies as to when something is good and when it sucks. Course might be nice if they like you know didn't charge us for watching them first.

Yeah, that would be thoughtful. Gosh I sure think I could give them lots of tips on ways to improve movies.

After all I am a writer and all. So I'm sure I could fix some of these dudes. I mean you know just cut out some of the mushy stuff and then add more scenes of stuff getting blown up.

Those really work good. Oh yeah that is so much fun. I love when they have those. Even better when the blow up the bad guys.

Well hopefully they blow up the bad guys. I mean might be kind of tacky to blow up somebody in the middle of you know a mushy stuff scene.

Might really get complaints on that one. Not from me mind you, but I'm sure somebody would complain.

CINEMAS

This is so funny to me. I mean they act like this is different from going to a theater. Which can't understand seeing how they both show the same movies.

But the opened up this new theater in town and called it a cinema. So we went over to check it out.

About the only big difference is they had fancy uniforms. Didn't improve the snacks or movie though.

Which I guess is no big deal. Guess they sort of took pride in the fact that they also had this one screen for showing some kind of art film.

I got no idea who this art was, but I wish he spoke English. I went in to check it out and they were speaking some foreign language.

Like that made it easier for me to understand. I did stay to watch it for a bit. Never did figure it out though.

Glad I didn't pay extra to see that movie. And no amount of snacks was going to make it any better

That is part of how I rate movies anywhere. I mean if I can wolf down a whole box of popcorn and not remember it.

Now that is real entertainment! But let me tell you that sure didn't happen with that moment.

I suppose if I was in the mood for a nap that would be a good thing. But then I sure wouldn't care to pay for it.

You know there have been a few times that after like ten boxes of candy I have sort of nodded off in a movie. But that was because I was tired and didn't appreciate it.

At least that is way I view it. After Otis explaining it to me. And I guess he did that because he has done it too.

Always nice to have him make everything reasonable and all. Which sure helps when I like a little confused over such things.

Now the fun part is that at least we will be only going to the regular theater from now on. I mean taking a nap after eating candy is a lot more fun that from watching a boring movie.

But then I've learned to make sure they speak English or have subtitles. The kind that you can actually read too, not like when the projectionist goof up and made them al blurry.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK: "If money grew on trees would it mean bank would keep leafs instead of money in vault?"

NUTS FOR TWO

Now I think this is next to impossible. Well in my view it is. I mean Otis and I have tried to share cans of nuts before. Only it never works out fair.

One of us ends up getting less. And that is never like we like it or hope to have it be. But we sure try to pretend.

Otis can be pretty sneaky when it comes to nuts in cans. Oh he opens the can and the makes you think he will give you half.

But then he will like get you distracted and end up when you look back there are some nuts missing. Seeing his mouth full sure doesn't help any either.

Man that sure doesn't make me happy. But he never admits he's got a mouth full of nuts. Tries to pretend it is something else.

And I ain't buying that and he knows it. So he tries to make up for it by giving me something else.

But we both know the nuts are the best thing. Those chips and pretzels are okay, but not the same.

Now if he gets really desperate he will get me some popcorn. Yeah, that will be his idea of a good substitute.

One of these days I reckon I will get sneaky too. Yeah, providing I can figure a way to open the nuts and then make it look like it was never open.

Then I can claim it was less because of the same thing that happens to bags of potato chips. I think the call it settling.

Hope it work. Hmmm, I wonder if super glue would work on making the lid look like it was never opened?

Well maybe I will practice that in the store. Yeah when nobody is looking. Might be worth a try.

But then I could just get an extra can for nuts for myself I guess. Only would have to be sure that Otis didn't know about it.

Wouldn't be no fun if he did. He'd figure a way to make some of the nuts disappear. Yep that much I know.

Glad he doesn't like jelly beans. Oh my I wouldn't wan to have him open a bag of them. I would notice his mouth full.

The colored drool would give him away.

PEANUTS AND BAGELS

Okay let me say first of all that one thing these have in common is that they come in bags. Yep, a nice holder that makes sure you don't lose them.

Now they are both good for breakfast. Though I like my peanuts on my donuts. Well either that or as peanut butter.

Then it will be good on a bagel. I like the bagel deal since it sort of is different that a slice of bread and if you work it right you can make it as tasty as a donut.

Now beyond the bag thing I think the other important issue is how you can't have these without something to drink. Yeah, really is important.

I just wish you know that life was more simple in terms of being like peanuts and bagels. The never lie.

They are want they are. And they make sure they don't change. If you got to get a bagel you ain't going to get a rock.

Nice to have such things to count on. As for peanuts, well sometimes people do make it easy and take them out of the shells.

Sort of like when they slice the bagel. That really is thoughtful. And wish all stuff worked that way.

But it doesn't. Why I don't know. Maybe we ought to eat more of them to get the idea better.

Well I will do my effort. I will have both all the time if it helps. Hmmm, don't have that much money.

I wonder if I can get some help with that part. I would call it research. Yeah that would be a good thing.

Now all I need is to find the person who will give me the funds for this kind or research. Heck they do it for all kinds of other stuff.

So why not for that? Well probably have to go over to the government and talk to them. Yeah, they probably would give me a license.

They love doing that. So I will ask for a bagel, peanut special license. Sounds cool. Hope they don't require a test.

Now that would suck. And I don't have a clue on what kind of things to study for. Boy I hope it isn't a long one.

That wouldn't be cool or fun.

ETERNITY OOPS

Oh man let me tell you, it is one thing when you have a mess up and it last for awhile, but when it takes forever, that is really disaster. And when people know it, worse.

See some people have these kinds of memories where they never forget a thing. They will not let you forget it either.

Like any of us needs that. But that is when they will make sure you get told over and over how much you blew it.

Oh I guess there are times when that is necessary. Like you know to be sure you never forget in terms of not doing the same thing again.

So I suppose that is a good thing. Providing they give you a chance to fix it before some lecture.

Now over at STINK oh rat boy Junior is one for making you never forget. Well unless you got a big hunk of cheese.

Then maybe it will be okay. Just as long as you can give it to him before he starts in on some speech.

There is nothing worse than messing up and then getting a speech too. That is not cool. And down right boring.

Well it is to me. Maybe not to everyone else, but sure works that way for me. And a few other grimefigthers too.

At least we all seem to feel that way. Except for Junior naturally. But let me tell you he sure don't want to get some lecture either.

Boy you can be sure he will never think it is cool when it happens to him. Nope that never seems like a good option.

About the only joy I get is when I see Dr. Hemoglobin start lecturing Junior. Well it ain't quite like we get.

I mean Dr. Hemoglobin is Junior's dad. So he tends to be you know a little easy on him. Not like he would be to us.

Still it is nice to see him told what he needs to do better. And know it will rattle around in his brain for a while too.

Pity remembering the crap seems to be easier than the stuff you would really care to remember. But guess you can't control that.

I am willing to try though. Just having figured out how to have amnesia just when I want to.

TAKING FOREVER

Man this sucks. Times when you get stuck waiting on something. Really hate those so much.

And it always happens right in the middle of doing important junk. So that is like at the worst possible times.

It is like you know, you are in a hurry and your car breaks down. Oh you want to watch some really cool movie and the cable goes out.

Those moments really make me so upset. You can be sure I don't like them. Can't say I know anyone who does.

But that doesn't keep it from happening. Makes me wonder if it is like that on purpose. Which would really upset me.

I mean if there is some jerk out there who is spending time making sure to make your life miserable I don't want to meet him. I might have my own way of saying thank you.

Which could be painful that is for sure. Not a good option, but one I would sure use it on some jerk that did that on purpose.

Now another pain is when you have to find a repair person. What is this deal about them showing up between the hours of eight and five?

I mean that leaves you spending all day sitting around and waiting for them. Like that is a good choice?

They sure don't seem to care. At least not to me. And I wish they would knock it off. Who needs that kind of aggravation?

Guess you can't help it. People are weird at times. Really so crazy. Wish I had a way of making them feel the same way.

Otis says not paying the bill is a good way of getting there attention. Only problem is that they get pissed when you do that.

And that never ends up with smiles. Not when they do stuff like disconnect your cable. Oh man is that a pain.

But that is why I just try to be sure the cable always works. Kind of hard at times though. Really such a pain.

But I am learning to be careful. Like now first thing I do is check the batteries in the remote.

A lot less trouble than finding out afterwards that is why it wasn't working.

TAKING YOUR TIME

TAKING YOUR TIME

Now the key word here is your time. That isn't my time. If you are going to take something take your own time, not mine.

Yeah, why is it when somebody talks of taking time they end up meaning it will take my time too. Or instead of theirs.

Did I vote for that? I don't think so. Nope wasn't in my plans at all. I want you know them to do whatever with their time, but not with mine.

But when they end up taking their time I end up waiting. Sorry that ain't something that works for me.

Nope, I can be sure that I don't let this happen. Now the first rule for me is to know if the person can even tell time.

Lot sure can it seems. Nope, not from what I have noticed. They just plot along as if it ain't their problem. Hours don't matter to them at all.

Then second is whether they own a watch. Kind of hard to know the time without one. Well it is to me.

I don't know, but just seems to work that way with some people. You can pretty much tell it will stay that way.

Which is not cool from my point of view. I sure didn't vote for it. And that ain't going to make me happy.

Also helps if you know what time of day it is. Really is very important. Otherwise you can expect the person to show up on time.

I'm just glad I don't have to deal with this all the time. No way that would be fun. I will pass on that option. Yeah, forget making that my choice.

Anyway it is kind of important when you are talking about time. Really extra critical when it comes to breaks.

Dude who don't know the right time ain't going to show up for breaks when needed. That ain't cool.

Especially when it comes to being their turn to pay for the drinks. Happens to often to me.

But that is a different problem. And I've learned my lesson in that regard. I don't go ahead and pay for it and then expect them to show up with money later.

Well like they say, a word to the wise is deficient.

WONDERFUL

Oh yeah this is a great thing. Just makes you smile all over. Really love when we can say this about something.

Only we don't quite get a chance to have this be what we want. At least my idea of wonderful seems to fall off at times.

I don't give up though. Nope never try to forget wonderful is out there somewhere. An you can just have to be sure you don't let the wonderful pirates steal it.

Those are the crazy people who seem to always drive you nuts. They just seem to make it their joy to steal your wonderful.

Course you can you know help them find their wonderful. Then they will get off your back about taking away your wonderful.

I wish you know there was a wonderful store. A place that sold it in boxes so you could take them home.

I suggest it to the mail people once. You know how they could like help out by making it included with the mail.

Maybe even put in on some stamps. Can't say they liked the idea. Oh they did have their comment.

I won't say what. All I can say is that they sure had a funny idea of wonderful. I mean stuffing people into mail boxes didn't sound wonderful too me.

Perhaps I should have asked somebody other than the mail delivery guy. And on a day when he has an extra load to deliver.

I can imagine that influenced his opinion. But that is okay, I don't imagine that is going to happen.

Well if it does I hope nobody expects me to pay for the postage. I wouldn't even have an idea how much either.

Gosh that could be scary to think of where they would put the postage too. Might hurt. Hope I don't have to find out.

But time to move on I guess. I will do what I can to see if I can find my wonderful. I'm sure it is out there somewhere.

And at a price I can pay. Which for me is generally found at the candy store. Not a bad form of wonderful.

Just hope I don't lose out on it. Which won't happen unless somebody decides to close candy stores. Don't want to think about that one.

ON YOU OWN

I wish I could make more sense of this. I mean this is what I hear sometimes from people. And it really sounds weird.

Because to me if you own something it should be yours and not shared as on with somebody else. Can't figure why somebody would think that is good.

Oh well, I guess when it comes to strange stuff like that it works for some people. But you know I don't think I want to own and share that much myself.

I have heard about time share things. Didn't know time liked to own junk. Guess it makes sense.

But that is fine with me. I do what I can to understand to each there own. Meaning that everyone can have fun owning whatever.

Guess that is a great deal if you happen to be the type that finds this a good deal. Only I'm not sure I want to keep that stuff kind of vague.

Maybe this is somebody's idea of fun. Oh yeah people can be weird about such stuff. You can be sure of that.

I don't know, this is all something that falls under the huh category. You know when things leave you scratching your head and wondering.

Sure is a lot of this type of thing in life. Which I hope makes somebody happy. Have no idea why?

Not going to try and ask either. Kind of afraid of the answer. It might be scary. Like finding out they have some ownership to all the candy in the world.

Now I sure wouldn't like them coming over to my apartment and saying, okay pal, fork over your jelly beans. I don't care what they say, I sure wouldn't be smiling on that one.

Then it could get really crazy. They could like act all goofy and start want to tax you on anything.

Hmmm, wonder what they would use as proof the own something? Gee come to think of it, I don't have any proof either.

Oh yeah that is not a cool thing. Guess I better work on that. I wonder where I get a ownership license for jelly beans?

Must be over at city hall. Hope they don't expect me to take a test for them. That would not be a good thing.

Nope I can't like that idea. But I will call and find out. Well maybe.



Thought for the week: "I heard them say another day, another dollar. Is somebody keeping tract at the mint?"

TECHNOLOGY

Well, let me tell you, this for me is not always a joy. I mean I do like new stuff. All those fancy gadgets they come up with.

But the pain comes when you have to get them fixed. You take it to the repair place and the people get weird on you.

Oh man they start talking in all kinds of technical terms that make no sense. Try asking them how long to get it repaired too.

That is a last thing you ever find out. Oh brother they can tell you about parts and difficulties, but never what is wrong with the thing.

They can't tell you that till they do what they call a diagnostic check. Not sure what it all involves, but they don't let you watch.

Sometimes I just figure they hit it with a hammer until it works again. Then charge you a fortune for the repair.

Well I guess they have some special kind of hammer because that never works for me. I have bashed lots of things and they never start working again.

So I always dread when I get stuck with this junk. You have to haul the darn thing down to some place.

Then the guy always looks at you like you did something wrong. As if you need to apologize for just bringing it in.

Then later he will tell you what was wrong. Only I have no idea if that is legitimate. He might make that part all up.

Yeah, I could see that happening. People are funny that way. But either way they still end up getting bucks out of me.

Which I wouldn't mind so much if they repaired junk so you didn't need to do it a second time. Good luck with that part.

Oh yeah, I got stuff that is very technical, but poops out a lot. Seems like it gets so dang tired too easy.

And to me I don't get it. I have tried feeding some machines a few jelly beans, but neve seems to help.

Well, I guess I will keep trying. Maybe I just didn't work it right. Nice thing about machines you can always get more.
And I never run out of jelly beans.

CONNECTING THE DOTS

These are those cool books where you connect the dots and it creates an image. And it is so great when you get done and look at it so you can say, wow!

Now I wish they had that for other things. You know so they would make more sense. Like with some instructions.

I'm talking about the ones where you are like told how to build something. Man you are lucky if those dang instructions make sense.

I mean is it too much to ask for some stupid manual to explain stuff so it makes sense. Oh I try, but all that part D goes with part F. Man it can take forever to find them.

Now maybe they could make them instructions into a connect the dot kind of deal. That sure would improve things to me.

Like the other day I was like you know trying to put together this cabinet. And man did it have all kinds of parts.

And no where did I find the single image that said what it was suppose to look like when all done. Just a bunch of you know do this and don't do that.

Honesty, this really did bug me. I mean how come I had to have all this use a screwdriver on this part and not on that part?

If it had been my choice I would have figured it might have been easy to just hammer it all. Only they don't give you that choice.

So you have to try and use that dumb screwdriver. And it takes forever. Oh man that is extra boring.

Well glad I don't have to do that everyday. Next time I hope we can just go over to the used furniture place.

That way I can get you know a bookcase that doesn't require any assembly. Yeah that would be cool.

Providing it is not something that requires fixing. I hate it when you have to use a whole bottle of glue on them.

But then I guess I could use the glue as a connect the dots deal. Yeah that could be so much fun.

Even if I did already know how it is going to turn out. Yep, that does really make a difference.

Well at least I don't have that problem today. Just got a book to connect the dots. Okay it wasn't a regular one. But you can use your imagination with a newspaper.

PATCHES

These are a good thing when you have say holes in your pants. They are still good, but you don't want a draft.

So Otis normally gets these iron on deals and that makes stuff like my overalls extra cool. Sometimes he even gets a patch the same color as the overalls, which is even better.

All of which makes life have a little extra smile. Just knowing I don't have to give up my favorite over alls is something very special.

Now all of that makes sense. A simple little aid that keeps one you love to wear from the trash bin.

What I don't get is this talk about patches for smokers. Do these like go on something such as cigarettes?

That doesn't make any sense. I mean all you are going to do is burn the thing up anyway, so what is the point?

Well in my opinion you got to be strange to love smoking anyway. So maybe you put the patch over your eyes.

Then you know you don't have to look at the crazy things. Still will smell them. Unless you put the patch on your nose.

Sure seems like a lot of trouble for some cigarette. But I guess it means a lot to the smoker types.

Well as long as it isn't some patch they try to get others to wear so you won't notice they are smoking. Yeah, I would fall for that one.

Guess for now, I don't have to worry. Because I don't go near smokes anyway. Not unless I have no choice.

And sometimes that is kind of important. Well you know if you are dealing with somebody who isn't happy unless they are sharing.

Yeah like I need that kind of help. And as far as I am concern I will pass. They can hold on the patches out to me they want, I ain't taking them.

Hmmm, wonder if these smokers ever get confused and end up using a regular patch as one for smoking? Wow, that could be painful.

Guess I will let them worry about that. Only no time any soon. Because I plan on making sure they don't get my patches.

Yep, no way that is going to happen.

RELAYS

Now I must admit that this is kind of weird subject. I mean there are these things called relays you have in telephone lies and other stuff like that.

Then you also find it in sports. This type of event called track. Well I know what a track is so I reckon a relay works in it.

Just not clear you know how that all fits together in terms of stuff like having a sport about it. I mean do they fix relays in that track or something.

I have heard time is a big deal. Like the fast the better. So that means I reckon that they must get points or something for fixing them relays the fastest.

Oh yeah, that will be a good deal I reckon providing you are good at being fast. Guess if you aren't then forget it.

Must be why they need to be athletes. Reckon that will be okay. Providing they don't like you know ask me to join them.

The thing is, from what I have notice when I see this relay thing on television it shows these people in their underwear running around some track. And they keep passing this thing they call a baton.

Guess that is okay. Looks mainly like none of them wants to mess with actually fixing the thing. So they keep running away.

And the one that runs the fastest gets treated like a winner. And they never actually have a chance to repair a thing.

At least I never seem to see them use any tools. There is some guy standing around with a gun.

At least he doesn't shoot them with it. Which is a good thing. And you can be sure I don't think they would have as many involved if they did.

Does seem to attract lots of crowds. That I suppose is a good deal. They all seem to have a good time.

So I suppose that is fun for somebody. Personally I don't get it. I just can't understand why fixing these things, which they never do is so exciting.

But then I reckon people can be strange about fun. Yeah, ain't it amazing what makes some people smile.

Doesn't work for me. Still I do get a smile from all the silliness. Gives me hope for the rest of life.

COLLECTIBLES

Now how come people have to be so silly on this subject? I mean really why can't thing collect good stuff.

Otis took me over to this antique store the other day. They had bunches of really old junk that they called collectibles.

Sure were to me. I mean not the kind of things I would need. Like all these small statues of animals and ladies.

What the heck good are those if you can't use them for much? See wouldn't a collectible be good if you could use it in some way?

At least you would enjoy it a whole lot more. And let me tell you those don't get included in my list.

Not even close. For me I want the good stuff. Give me things that collecting them would be cool.

Because once you got them home you would have a reason to smile. Since you knew you would be able to do something fun with them.

Oh I got several things that I figure are good as collectibles. First on the list is jelly beans.

Man talk about fun those sure do it for me. And let me tell you nothing gives me reason to be happy as much as savoring that collection in my tummy.

Can you believe somebody tried to claim collectibles are something you don't use. Where is that written?

Is there some kind of rule book for collectibles? I've never seen one. No where that I have seen those collectibles.

So it must be another of those stupid things made up by people to make you do what they want. And that never works in terms of what I need to do.

So they can keep their stupid plates and stamps and other stuff. I will stick with my jelly beans.

The best part being when I have eaten them I can go out collecting again. And that seems to me like the best option.

Lots more fun that way and you get more excuses to keep looking for collectibles. That is the joy that you can have all the time.

I know I do.

SANDWICHES

Well is there any better food when it comes to lunch than a sandwich? I mean it is cool for so many different options.

Why a person can truly savor such things with joy. You can make them in a million different ways.

All of which have yummy as part of them. So tasty and make life such a blessing. Oh yeah, got to love it.

And I personally find what you get to eat with the sandwich as being even more important. Because then you can either make it extra cool or worse.

Now for me potato chips are number one on the list. For they are so great at being crunchy and tasty.

Yeah, there is nothing that will fill my tummy with smiles more than a few bites of chips. Even better when you can put them on the sandwich.

They really go great on say something like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Those will make it so yummy.

So you just end up being able to sit back an enjoy it. Which always will make me feel like I ate a great meal.

Another good option is French Fries. But then those are best with a burger. So kind of hard to you know go over to some burger joint and not order a burger too.

Yeah, that is important. You have to resist messing up the sandwich option. I really do hate that part.

Which is why I just spend my time with other options. One that works good is to have like potato salad.

Well the only draw back is that you need a plate and fork. That can be kind of a pain. Just don't work that good for me.

In any case I just sit back and do my best to savor what is available. We normally keep plenty of chips so that is good.

Oh well that works for me. And let me tell you that is the best when it happens on a weekend.

Nothing makes watching a movie on cable more fun that a great snack. Got to love it. At least when it happens.

Which is a lot of time for me.

VASES

Okay I guess it makes sense if you love flowers this is a good deal. But if you ain't into flowers why do you need a vase?

I can't say and we do have one at our apartment. Otis puts these fake flowers in it anytime we have company.

Says it is to give the place more ambiance. Well I don't have any idea what this ambiance deal is about.

I just not that them flowers sure are getting old. And they are sort of looking kind of sickly too.

Oh well, I suppose it is better than when he decide to check into reading up on vases. There was this one kind called a Ming Vase.

So he went over to the library and got a book on them. Why? Well according to him he was going to be talking with this lady at this antique store and I guess she thought they were cool.

Hard for me to figure how any vase is cool. But I guess this lady did. Then one day he wanted to take our vase over to her to have it what she called "appraised."

Well I sort of thought I would help. I mean it was all plain and made of glass. Oh it has some nice carved images on the side, but otherwise it was just another vase.

But he mentioned it was real old and thought it might impress her. Gee I hated you know to see him get embarrassed.

So what I did was take it and try to make it look cooler. You know glue on a few thing like jelly beans to it.

When I got done I thought it looked great. Oh yeah a really great work of art. How can you go wrong with jelly beans?

Otis didn't seem to think so though. He wasn't quite appreciative of my help. Which kind of made me said.

But that is okay, it took a while, however, he did manage to fix it the way he wanted. Plain and simple, but happy.

So there he went with it over to show it to the lady. Came back a little unhappy. Guess the think broke on him.

Well I suppose I should have told him about dropping in that one time while adding the jelly beans. I didn't think one thin crack would be problem. Oh well now we have a new vase. Hope this one doesn't need any decorations though. Don't like to waste jelly beans.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK: "I love tomorrow when it is payday, but wish credit card companies would forget the past."

SUNSHINE

Oh yeah this is a real good thing. Wish we could vote on when it came into the day. I would like it at night some times.

I'm sure they got some kind of government agency that controls stuff like that. Have it for everything else.

But I doubt they will spend time bothering to tell us about where they are located. I imagine they don't want many visitors.

Could get to be such a pain. Oh yeah I bet they would get all kinds of weird requests. Stuff like you know sun tan license.

I bet they have them. Wouldn't surprise me at all. Only not sure what they would do if you don't buy a license.

I would be afraid to ask. But since I don't need that tanning much what with wearing my beanie I don't imagine I will worry about it.

Nope I will just let them work that part out for themselves. I would prefer to get more of this sunshine at different times.

Like maybe they got some slingshot that shoots the sun out there regularly. Yeah, I bet they got some system for that.

Oh man that is so cool. I mean I sure would like to see it. But not sure where they would keep it.

Must be some place big. I mean the sun ain't exactly small. But I reckon that will not be a good thing.

That would only work if it was not where somebody else got stuck dealing with it. I mean somebody would bound to hog it.

Yeah, there are jerks like that out there. Really would hate to meet them. Hopefully, not something that I would want to deal with.

Nope, I guess I will just wait till the make this whole deal possible. Like that daylight savings time.

Yeah, I bet they could let the sun really shine then. Hmmm, guess I could check with whoever is in charge of that.

Have no idea who. Maybe somebody other than a person I need to deal with. Yeah, there is always some clown out there that doesn't get it.
And right now I don't get the sunshine when I want.

WHAT'S UP?

WHAT'S UP?

There is one of my neighbors that is always saying this. He's kind of strange dude that way.

Has lots of weird stuff he says at different times. Which is okay I guess if it always makes sense.

Now really how tough is it to know what's up? Well duh! The sky is up naturally. That seems simple enough.

And honestly I got to ask what else does he expect to be up? I can't say. Tried to ask him once, but he was in the middle of taking some funny pills and acting kind of goofy. So I had to sort of give up trying.

Every time I met him now days he seems kind of preoccupied doing weird junk so I haven't have a chance to ask him on this up thing. But then I guess it wouldn't matter much.

Maybe it is a weight deal. I mean you know it is tacky to ask, but sometimes people do pack on a few pounds.

Like around the holidays. Then you have to wonder if maybe he was talking or thinking about it.

As long as he is not say into you know talking about some weird kind of up. Such as holding you arms up.

You know like to show off if your deodorant is working. I would rather not even be asked.

Those kinds of questions that don't make you many questions. Nope, that will not bring about a smile.

At least not to me. And let me tell with this dude it would be an even bigger problem. Because spends a lot of time wearing leather vests with no shirt.

Guess he must be hot a lot of the time. Which is okay I suppose. Only not really going to spend my time asking him on that deal.

He gets strange as it is. And it is nice that he has lots of police as pals. Heck they seem to show up at his house pretty regular.

Have some weird party called a raid. Oh my lots of noise going on for that one. Really not that much fun for me.

But then at least he don't ask what's up when the cops show up.

ABOUT THAT LONG

This about stuff is kind of silly. Well at least to me. You just can't be sure how long it is. Just mainly guess.

And that is cool. Providing you are talking about junk that don't matter. But if it counts for some reason then you can be in big trouble.

Which is not part of what makes me happy. I sure don't enjoy it. Sort of like waiting for a bomb to explode.

This is not exactly fun. And then you don't know when it will happen. End up simply guessing, which is never cool.

See that is the problem with about. It can be good or it can suck. It can mean something really good or something that is totally a disaster.

Not quite a good time. At least if you are talking about somebody thinking of junk you have to do.

Oh yeah I hate about when it applies to something like time. When somebody says something will take about a hour you might find out it is no where that long.

Or worse it can a whole lot longer. Now that is scary. Especially, if they don't bother to give you any details.

Those are the about type of things that really drive you nuts. And it really makes it worse when you are dealing with someone who actually thinks they got stuff organized.

Oh man that is the pits. When they like decide they have time figured out with all the budget stuff to make sense.

Only problem is that it don't end up working out that way. Somewhere along the line they sort of forget something.

Oh they are always sorry. Only it don't change anything. Other than to drive you nuts with all the time that gets wasted.

And when it is made out to sound like you know a time saver that is even worse. For you get your hopes up.

However it never works out the way they love to brag about it working. Like I really enjoy that way of having fun.

But I still figure that is one way to avoid getting aggravated. You just make sure you take time to listen for them about comments.

Unless you are making them back. Then about can sort of be fun.

TALL, DARK AND BRUTAL

I heard it said somewhere about how the most popular dudes are tall, dark and handsome. Well I guess that is a good thing.

Only problem is that the ones I know that are tall and dark as in black hair ain't so cool. They are kind of brutal to be honest.

But then I don't know, they are entitled to be whatever I reckon. Just not sure why they figure cruel is a good deal.

I figure you know that perhaps by some chance these people got some special type of help for making them look cool or something. Only problem is they don't actually act that way.

Perhaps they go to a school to learn to act one way in one situation and different in another one. Yeah, I could see that.

I bet it is wherever the politicians go too. Hmmm, I wonder if the Reverend Analbe happens to know about it.

I mean he seems to do that a lot. Only he ain't tall or dark. He's got white hair. And not all that mean.

Well okay he does get a tad scary at time. At least he makes it seem that way when talking about all the junk God hates.

But then I don't know, guess I can totally blame him seeing how he says it is the Lord's idea. And since he won't let us talk to the Lord directly we don't get much chance to find out first hand.

However, I reckon he is in that one area where it ain't quite the same as this. The main person who I know like this Mr. Mammongrabber's enforcer, Bugly Ugly Savage.

Now he sure is tall and has dark hair. All over his body. And there is one thing he ain't it is handsome.

Well I guess if you consider like Bigfoot handsome then maybe, but otherwise forget it. Nope that don't quite fit to me.

But that is okay. He definitely is brutal. Just glad I don't have to deal with him that much. He loves spending most of his time with that Mr Mammongrabber hates.

And I'm not on that list most of the time. Grateful for that. About the only tall person I deal with regular is our boss, Dr. Hemoglobin.

But then you know since he is bald I can't say if he had dark hair. Then he ain't mean at least. Can't say on the handsome part. Better not to and risk him getting mad at me.

ICEBERGS

Oh man this is one of those weird subjects. I heard about it this over at the theater. Normally don't news there, but did this time.

Now as far as I can figure there are these things floating around in the ocean that love to sneak around an attack boats. Can you believe the nerve?

And if we now they are out there how come we don't like teach them a lesson? I mean we ought to beat them up or something.

What I want to know is why are they even there? Who thought this was a good idea? I sure didn't.

But then I don't go out on boats as a rule. Oh took a ride in one over on this lake once. Didn't see any ice bergs or even sharks, which was cool.

Hey, maybe that is it. Them sharks sound like the kind of jerks who would come up with these ice bergs.

Yeah, I bet that is it. Them sharks have some kind of like ice machine and they set it on high and let it keep running till it makes this huge ice berg thing.

Well I think those sharks should get in trouble for this. I mean that is just down right awful.

And we need to figure a way to stop it. Maybe toss all those sharks into an aquarium until the learn to behave.

Not really clear on how they managed to get electricity way out in the middle of the ocean. Must have cost a fortune it extension cords.

And man what about the costs? Never though of sharks as rich. Guess when they are biting people they are like stealing their wallets.

Boy the more that I think about this the more it sounds terrible. First you got those darn sharks causing trouble.

Then they make these ice bergs and stealing people's wallets while biting them in the butt to pay for it. I wonder if they work for lawyers?

Well Otis calls them sharks so I reckon you never know. But I sure ain't ready to go on some boat to find out.

Nope I will stay where I am and make sure them sharks don't come near my wallet. Hope they don't have a thing for jelly beans.

Don't want to think about that one!

BIG STUFF

Now this shouldn't be complicated. It means junk that is really big. As in like the size of an elephant.

At least I would think of it that way. Not sure that everyone agrees though. I mean I've heard some people talk about something big about to happen.

But generally whatever it is doesn't end up being large in appearance. Oh they make it sound like the end of the world, but it never is.

Instead it is just a matter of them making it sound impressive. Only to me some small numbers on a piece of paper ain't big.

Well I'm sorry unless you are like going to put them on some big board somewhere they ain't going to be that big. All they will be is tiny.

Just like with those big news stories. I watch the news sometimes and I don't really see how one story is all that bigger than other in terms of size.

It ain't like they you know talk about it by shouting or holding up huge signs. Nope never happens.

But you know that is kind of okay I guess because everyone has a right to their idea of big. And if that makes them happy, cool.

Only I would kind of like to you know have them not make it sound so impressive. Then when you see the whatever it ain't even close.

I mean I would think that was really fair. Just give me a break here and keep your big stuff sort of as other than big unless you know I think so too.

And then we can all have the fun of like perhaps seeing really big junk when it is big and not get so disappointed at times. Now that seems like a good option to me.

But I guess if I had success in convincing others of this I would have to hear them talking about big junk that ain't really big. Nope that would not work.

So I reckon the only real choice I have is to like not to listen. That is easy to a degree, but not all the time.

I mean the problem is that you keep hoping there is always that one chance they really do know what is big. And you hate to miss out.

So being the sucker that I am I do take the time to like you know listen. And hope perhaps this time they will be right.

So far it hasn't happened, but I keep thinking there is always the first time.

SOFT LANDINGS

This is one of things I heard on television. You know as in when they were talking about way back some time ago when they used to land on the moon.

Now I really don't see what the big deal is. I mean the moon is supposedly made out of green cheese so it ought to be soft.

But it was important enough for them to mention on the dang news. Like was some secret they needed to tell us about.

Well I think they ought to give us more credit for knowing things like that. Yeah, I mean really, do they have to make it sound like we are stupid.

I think it would have made more sense to you know talk about where the green cheese came from in the first place? I mean nobody mentions out it got there.

Nor if we want all the way up there did we bring some back? You would sort of figured that would have made sense too.

Hard to imagine though that green cheese would taste much different than regular cheese. But without have some how we gonna know for sure?

And then what if it is like some kind of super cheese? You know put there by aliens and it has super powers?

Well I bet you can be sure the dang government ain't going to share. Nope, not if they don't have too.

I just wish they wouldn't like make it worse with this soft landings thing. Sort of like they are wanted to flaunt in front of our face.

Do we really need that? Personally, I don't think so. Unless it is like some kind of creamed cheese that is avocado flavored.

Now that would be cool. But what can I say, they aren't exactly working to hard and giving us a break.

Course I'm not one to like ignore important stuff like this if I can get information. Now what I did was figured I would try calling up NASA to ask about this.

Only I didn't have their number. So figured I would do the next best thing and call up the local planetarium. They are experts on stars and all.

Guess they were part of the conspiracy or something. I mean they refused to even admit about the green cheese.

So guess this is a bigger problem that I first thought. Sounds like I will have to do more checking. Maybe call the Air Force. Don't have their number either, but know a guy who works at an airport. So will start with him.



THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK: "What is with time warps? Did it get left out in the rain?"

CELL PHONES

Now maybe I'm weird on this, but I don't see why criminals should have phones it their cells. I'm sorry, but it don't seem right.

They ain't in jail for their health. So why should we have to give them phones? I don't think that is part of the deal.

Heck, I'm a good guy and I have to share a phone with my buddy, Otis. So man why should some jerk of a lawbreaker have a private phone.

Why they might do terrible stuff like order take out food. Imagine the poor pizza dude that would have to deliver to an ax murderer.

Even if you get to deliver the thing I would be worried about mentioning slices. Could be a big mistake.

Now what I want to do here is really try to understand what crazy person decided this was necessary. I bet it was one of those darn lawyers.

They always seem to come up with weird junk like that. Probably want the guy to take messages form him.

Now is that fair? I don't consider that to be a good thing. Just part of the craziness of life. I mean what the heck on this?

Are we going to get stuck paying for their long distance calls? I mean what are you going to do to some guy in jail who doesn't pay his bill.

And unless they changed things a lot who could a dude in jail have much in way of income anyway? Got to wonder.

Hope somebody thought of that before putting in the phone lines. Be like the government to not remember or think about it.

But as long as I don't get a bill I guess I won't mind. Unless so dude in there decides to call me collect.

There is a thing called the bill of rights, but I don't think it applies to free phone calls. Nope, it better not.

Not while they are in jail. That don't sound like a punishment for being a bad person. I go to tell you that sucks if you ask me.

Maybe I'll try calling the phone company and asking them about it. I bet they would know for sure.

Have to wait a while. Otis says they aren't to keen on talking to me after that last fuss I put up over pay phones not taking jelly beans.

ANSWER MACHINES

Now to me these things are a rip off. I mean shouldn't a person be able to get a decent answer from these things?

I think this is somebody's idea of a sick joke. It is kind of funny I guess. You know to have this little box you think will crank out all kinds of answers and it doesn't do a think.

Why the one that I saw, you pressed this button and then you told it your questioned. Then when you let got of the stupid button it just ends up telling you what you just said.

Worst of all it has the nerve to say it in your voice! Talk about insulting. That was no answer.

And then darn it all these things till you to leave a message after the beep. What am I some kind of horn now?

Oh I left a message alright, but it was not a nice one. The word stupid and lame figured in there somewhere.

I did put it as a question, but it never did answer that one either. I tell you these things really suck.

What I want to know is how come people even like them. I have enough crap at home that don't do what it is suppose to do.

Who needs another one? Ain't it bad enough to have something like a can opener that don't open all cans?

You try opening a stupid pop can with that can opener. Man what a mess it creates. And it don't mention it that way on the box.

It doesn't say a dang word about not using it on pop cans. They are cans right? But not according to the stupid can opener company.

Boy did I tell them a mouthful on that one. Like it did any good. They had the nerve to dare and tell me that you didn't need a can opener to open a pop can.

Can you believe they told me to flip that little tab thing? Man was that stupid. Trying to convince me that tab thing worked like a can opener.

Heck it don't work the same to me. It opens this little hole and doesn't even make a can opener humming sound.

So they didn't fool me with that one. Boy they sure tried. Oh well if I get desperate I can open a pop can different ways.
Like using my bat. Is kind of messy though.

CALL ME

Now this is really weird to me. I mean it is hard to understand somebody asking you to call them a name or whatever.

Like that is a good thing? And they don't even mention what name either. Talk about stupid.

Oh well there are people out there like that. They are just so dang crazy in that way. Like saying, hey you can call me, then like you fill in the blank.

I sure wish you know that the person is aware you best be sure the other dude is somebody you trust. A person who will call you something nice.

Like buddy or dude or cool cat. Not like dufus or stupid. Those aren't quite reasons for smiles.

Still I guess if you like spend you time deciding to call it as a good thing you have some reason for saying that. At least you hope so.

I know one thing there are two people you don't want to do the calling. One is Granny Potts and the other is Ramy Jarvis.

Both of them will come up with some weird names. Like Granny Potts has this thing for cutsie names.

I'm sorry, but I don't feel much like being some Granny's life honey toad. Nope it don't sound cool to me.

But then with Ramy it would be worst. Most everyone younger than him he calls a snot nose runt.

And seeing how he is in his nineties most people are going to be called that name. Sure don't work for me.

What is worse is when they say something together. Then you can be honeyed snot toad of a runt.

This will not make you impressive to others. They don't bow to you when you get a name like that.

Only good thing is that they don't get out that much. Yeah, that makes it better in many ways.

Providing they don't get access to a phone. Now that ain't cool. I sure am not thrilled with that happens.

Fortunately that is something I have avoided so far. And hope to down the road.

EXPLANATIONS

I sure have a lot of trouble with deciding the difference between an explanation and a big fat lie. Now you would sort of thing that an explanation ought to be true, but it ain't.

Not all the time at least. I got to admit that is hard to accept when you deal with some people.

Now with some like my buddy Otis, they are different most of the time. But not always. Yeah, that really is a problem.

I mean there ought to be a thing such as some kind of meter where you can you know be able to tell this stuff for sure. I wish they would invent.

I would call it a baloney meter. Yeah, one where if somebody was saying something totally baloney you could figure it out right away.

What would be even cooler is if they like took the time to you know have a hand in the thing, which would come out and slap the other person. Oh man that would be fun.

I would love it. You'd be sitting there and listening to some jerk babbling a bunch of crap and suddenly this hand would smack them.

Hard enough to even be sure you knocked them unconscious. Oh man that would be even a better choice.

But dang it all such cool ideas never seem to end up being reality. That really bugs me. I mean why can't somebody give us a break and make decent stuff like that?

Well if they are looking for ideas over where you know that people do junk like that then I'll be glad to toss it out there as an idea.

But then you never know. The way stuff gets invented it might even be in the process. Only they never tell you where.

Yep, that really bugs me. I can't stand it when the keep good things a secret. Seems like they could you know tell you about it.

Why you would figure they would even be proud. Enough to be sure we all had a chance to enjoy it.

Yep, good ideas ought to be shared. I think so. Only seems like the really good ideas end up not being mentioned.

I bet that is because they don't want to you know tell us that this is a good deal. They ant us to not even know about it.

And you can bet they sure aren't going to have a good explanation either.

FUN FOR ALL

What a crazy thing this is. I mean it sounds cool, but you know it can really suck. I mean if it ain't true.

Like on these boxes that contain stuff for having fun. Such as I saw on this one that had a swimming pool inside.

Which sounded cool. Until you opened the box. Oh man did that have other than fun inside.

Now I don't know, a blow up swimming pool could be fun for all I guess. Only problem is it wasn't fun to put up.

First of all was the fact that blowing it up gave me a headache And that took so darn long.

I mean really did suck. By the time I actually finished I didn't even care if it was ready to use.

Where was the fun in that? None that I could think of. But then you know after we did get it put up it sure wasn't that much fun.

First as the problem that the water was way too cold. Like to freeze my butt off using it. That sure wasn't fun.

Then to make matters worse, we thought we would like invite some others over. A nice idea, but it didn't work out so good.

Darn thing ended up busting once enough got inside. That sure wasn't much fun either. Not from my view.

Nope, not to me it sure didn't. I'm telling you that ended up such a mess, with water going all over the place.

None of those others wanted to help with the clean up either. That really was a pisser. Like I had fun with that part.

And the think is later when we took it box to the store, that wasn't fun either. They don't give refunds on a lack of fun.

That sure didn't make me happy at all. Nope I would say fun was sort of lacking all the way around on that one.

Except for the part where I used my bat on that store dude. That was kind of fun. At least till the cops showed up.

They got a funny idea of fun.