THE BIG TOP

This might be a big deal with the circus and fun to visit, but that ain't what I'm writing about. Nope, not me. Not going to spend my time talking clowns and lion tamers.

So if you are thinking of reading about that, forget it. I will promise to write about it someday, not just today.

And if you feeling a tad disappointed, well cheer up I can make up for it with some really cool thoughts that I'm sure you will like.

In this case when I talk about the big top, I want to talk about the top some dude wears as a wig. And the only reason I even want to talk about it is because of my boss, Dr. Hemoglobin.

My boss is a cool guy most of the time. Which is a good thing. And in many ways he has lots of great things as his abilities too.

The one thing he doesn't have is hair. Sorry to say that, but he is totally bald. I don't think it looks bad, but he seems to have decide it bother him.

I have a feeling it has something to do with this lady he met on the internet. Seems to get really mushy over her.

Guess he was trying to impress her when the agreed to meet. From what I heard him tell Otis, for some reason he told her he had a full head of hair.

Not sure why, but he decided it was important. And let me tell you he was sure proud when that thing came in the mail.

Man I hadn't seen him that happy since the time we were able to capture a whole nest of griminals who were like sleeping at this park. Really a bunch of lazy rascals. So we caught them real easy.

Just made him glow like he had farted and nobody noticed it was him. Yeah, that kind of happy.

And let me tell you he sure seemed so dang proud of this thing. I guess he had a reason to be considering he boasted about it being so expensive.

Which is alright I guess. Kind of a shame though it really didn't look that good to me. Maybe if it had been shorter. Long hair is okay, but when it is as long as a horse's tail you have to wonder.

Even though my boss didn't say anything, after he met that lady, he stopped wearing it. Not sure what happen on that. Just that he mentioned something about her saying he acted like a horse's ass. So maybe that tale idea wasn't so far off after all.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK: "Cutting onions makes you cry, but cutting the cheese can wipe you out.

ABNORMAL

I can honestly say I know all about this one. I saw all about it on the television. They were talking about abs and making them something called six pack.

And six packs are the size that root beer comes in at the store. So that would cover the normal part. As for the ab thing, I bet it has to do with you know, absolutely as in you absolutely feel normal if you get a six pack of root beer.

Now all of that makes sense. But what doesn't make sense is when you know you have some lame dude who is like showing off his stomach like that has a six back in it.

I got to admit that when I saw that body building dude, it was something I wondered about. He sure as lumpy in strange places. So maybe he swallowed the six pack in the cans and didn't just drink the root beer.

That wouldn't sound very smart to me. But if I ever got that dumb I sure wouldn't be ready to go out and shot it off to others.

Well I guess that was that person's choice. Didn't work for me though. I honestly thought it was other than normal.

And I will pass on that option. It is just to weird from my point of view. So if some other person wants to call that cool be my guest.

As for me, well I don't think I want to get involved much with this abnormal thing anyway. There are way to many better ways to spend your time if you ask me.

Then I got to also wonder on this thing I heard that is called, abnormal psychology. Somebody needs a head doctor to you know tell them not to swallow root beer cans?

Man I could do that I wouldn't even charge. But I guess you can't keep people from talking to somebody who is suppose to know everything.

But then life sure is interesting at times. I didn't say it always made sense. That part is obvious.

At least from my point of view that is important. Only I guess I am not in the majority since this whole abnormal thing seems to keep going on.

But that is okay. I'm sure once they figure it out after I explain it good then that will change and you know I do good at that part.

Meanwhile, I'm thinking of heading out for some root beer. Only don't worry, I won't swallow the cans.

Just in case you were wondering if I practice what I leech.

BIG OR LITTLE

No let's be honest on this thing. There isn't much trouble telling big from little. Not from what I can tell. And I don't know why there ever would be.

Oh maybe somebody might get confused you know if they were looking through the wrong end of a pair of binoculars, but otherwise it shouldn't be a big problem. At least you would think so.

Only I reckon not everyone sees it that way. Like when they talk about big savings. Only what they are talking about is that it will cost you less or little. Not sure that makes sense to me.

But then nobody is exactly asking me to vote on that one. And then there is the issue of stuff like you know asteroids. You can be sure that big ain't good with that. Little sure gets my vote in that regard.

Which is just another case where big ain't always better than small. Take for example when you are talking about deficits. That is when you got less than what you need.

Oh man that is not a good thing. And big ain't a reason to be shouting over it either. Not to me it isn't.

However there are times little is cool. Such as if you only got little seconds of problems. Ah, bet you didn't think I could get that er, poetic?

Anyway, it works for me. And I'm really happy about that part. Just gives me the reasons to not freak out over some stuff.

I'm talking about things like when you know, somebody talks about having a big problem. Now is it really a big or just seems that way.

You can be sure that is really important to some of us. Because if some lamo dude is crying over something silly it ain't helping me much.

I prefer to panic over really important junk. Like if I go into the kitchen to get something to eat and there is only a little left of what I want.

Now that is what you call a really big problem. But the way to fix it requires well you know being able to do it big time.

I mean going over to the stock and buying a big bag of goodies. Oh yeah I can live with that solution.

I just hope you all got this straight at this point. Because that way the day we all get can be the right size.

Which is very cool indeed.

NO WORRIES

Okay where did this idea come from? That is all I want to know. Somebody please explain this concept if they can.

I mean I want to know is there really such a place that you can visit? You know some really cool place that is magical or something?

Now I could vote for that. Oh yeah, this would be so great. I wonder if maybe they are like talking about say the candy store.

I know I seldom have any worries there. Well providing they aren't out of jelly beans. That can be a real pain in the butt when that happens.

At least it isn't very often. I'm grateful for that. And at least it doesn't happen enough to freak me out.

So I don't stress going there. But I imagine there are a few other places that count too. I can think of a few.

Like maybe the grocery store. Oh yeah, I seldom worry there. Just look forward to doing all that stuff that makes me feel like when I get home life will be perfect for as long as the snacks last.

Too bad they seldom last as long as my appetite. Which is okay I suppose for it gives me a reason to try it again.

In any case though, I don't limit myself to those options. Nope, I'm much more diversified than that.

Yeah, you can depend upon me to look at all possibilities. Oh yeah, that is me. I never just leave myself only thinking in one term.

That is what Otis calls being diversified. Looking at all kinds of junk. And so I try to do that.

True, I mainly try to do it from the candy store window, but I think about it a lot. And that is the important part.

Well I should say that is providing we aren't talking about you know listening to say the Reverend Analbe on this subject. See he has this thing where he talks about the dead knowing nothing.

But if having to spend time at some cemetery is the answer, forget it. That just gives me the creeps. And who needs that.

Bet he goes there though. They don't sell donuts, but he probably takes them with him.

THANKS A LOT

Actually this is one of those things where you are not really all that jazzed to feel grateful. Oh you will say it out of politeness, but forget it in terms of you meaning it.

Only you know that if you don't say it the person is likely to get upset since they feel they did you a favor. However, it just don't feel that cool from you end.

Otis and I go over to Granny Potts on some Sundays. Trying to be polite to her seeing how she spends most of her time by herself and is so old and all.

So Otis figures it is kind of good deed. Which is alright by me since she ends up letting us join her for lunch and all. And most of the time she is a pretty good cook.

Providing she doesn't misplaced her glasses again. Then things can be sort of messy. Oh she means well, but you know just gets kind of confused on what she is putting in her food.

Which sure can lead to some pretty crazy meals. Not the kind, which I will boast about or recommend to others.

However, it is kind of tough to you know be ungrateful in such situations, even if you really aren't that grateful deep down. You have to be polite.

Actually, I do my best to you know not complain, but that gets tough when say she served a big bowl of beans and there buttons in it. Or she gives you some napkins and it turns out they have say needles in them.

But what am I supposed to do? She sure didn't mean it to suck. Nor did she bother to act like it was something she did on purpose.

So we just sit there and smile and hope for the best. But being grateful, well that I can guarantee.

Oh I will act like it so I don't offend. And I guess I'm grateful that Granny Potts doesn't hear too well.

Sometimes she just keeps talking without noticing if we are listening. Which is not a big deal when I'm worried about you know having to say thank you. Because she already does it herself without asking.

Anyway, that is good enough for me. And sometimes we escape without too much harm too.

For that I do get grateful. It really makes me happy to do that. And if keeps me from having some problem in my stomach along the way I am even more grateful. Just not sure that is the kind of gratitude everyone would brag about.

CLAIMS DEPARTMENTS

Now I wonder at times about these places. I mean what kinds of claims are they suppose to sell anyway?

I went in one time to ask this one place about that. And you would believe what they told me.

I figured you know maybe they would tell me all the cool stuff you could claim. So I stood in line and waiting forever to get some gal behind a desk to talk to me.

And the first thing she wanted to know is what I had lost. That is pretty darn ridiculous if you ask me.

To presume you lost something. Like they were saying I was totally irresponsible or something.

Then she handed me a form to write down what I lost. Well let me tell you that was really bizarre. I mean I was suppose to put down junk like my name and address.

Now let's be realistic about this. Who loses their name? Come on does that make sense? As for an address now that is really insane.

Let's face it who is going to lose a whole apartment? It ain't like they can be put in your pocket or something.

I tried pointing that out to the lady, but she wasn't exactly being all the encouraging. So after we got to discussing things like losing apartments she ended up having me talk to her supervisor.

That didn't quite help. He was an even bigger pain it the butt than she was. He kept asking for my policy number.

And I told him I didn't even have A policy let alone more than one. So how could I have a whole number of them?

And that didn't get him to see the light. Heck I even pointed it out to him. Right before i pick up that lamp and bashed him with it.

Never did get a claim for anything. Did get a ride in a police car though. And a free nights stay over at the police station.

They weren't all that helpful though. I wasn't to impressed with their accommodations. Might have enjoy the more if they didn't have bars on the windows. Guess it is a popular place if the have to do that to keep people out.

Oh well I guess I'll go and ask about those claims on another occasion after that restraining order expires.

ROOTS

Man what is the deal with trees? I mean I can understand how you know they need to be stuck in the ground and all.

Otherwise they would most likely just fall over a lot. And with my luck they would do it when I was walking past them.

But then I guess we don't have to worry about that happening. After all them trees aren't exactly the kinds of things where they do things different much are they?

So you get stuck with them having these roots. Which I wouldn't mind if they just kept them in the ground.

But they are so dang silly about it. You go to cut the grass and there is some root there from a big tree.

Now I ask you what am I suppose to do? Honestly, if I don't get to you know cut the grass then the landlady gets pissed.

And if I try to do it the right way I end up with you know messing up the root then Otis calls me a tree killer. I tell you I just can't win.

It just plain bites no matter what I do. And that is the one thing I am working on fixing. It won't be something I'm going to let get to me.

Now as I see it, there are two things I have to accomplish here. One is to cut the grass an two is to not mess with the root.

To that end I have figured out the perfect solution. Now I got this hose and stuck it in this hole I drilled in the tree's trunk. I heard it needs roots to get a drink of water.

So then I gave it a big drink. Like about an hour. Then I figure it didn't need that root after that, so I cut it out.

Guess it didn't like the water though. Been looking kind of sickly. Maybe I'll try to give it some soda pop.

So far it don't seem to be reacting good to the pop. I tried root beer. I think I will try grape next.

Yeah it is made of fruit so that ought to work. Yep, I bet that will help. And to think Otis didn't figure I would know what to do.

I bet he'll be so surprised when i end up you know showing him how the root beer made that tree feel so good. Yeah, I can't wait to surprise him on that one. Then let's see him complain.

BEST BUYS

I really wonder about this one. I mean who is the clown who decides what is best? Come on you got to ask that question too.

Honestly it really is an important thing to learn. Because if you don't happen to find out who the dude is then how can you be sure they know what they are talking about?

Bet you didn't think of that one huh? Oh yeah let me tell you there are some people out there that are not cool when it comes to best.

It is kind of like they are best morons. Yeah, that can be a real problem with some people.

I'm just glad it isn't me. I know that I am aware of what is best. Have no problem at all figuring it out.

Best is the thing that is better than what ain't that good. And there sure are a lot of those out there.

You can be darn sure way to many from my point of view. I think it is because they exist so we can know what is really best.

Kind of like you wouldn't know jelly beans are the best candy there is if you didn't happen to have some other crappy stuff to compare it with. Now that is really helpful.

So in a way you know I really do feel good about things like knowing there are vegetables and fruits out there. Not that those aren't okay. Not sure what would make them the um, best of whatever they are supposed to be.

And I guess there is a best among them. But I don't think I want to try and find out what it is.

In any case, I guess I don't have to worry very much. I think that would be something other than my idea of fun.

Oh well, I don't expect I have to worry much. I mean it doesn't seem to me that anyone is going to be holding a let's stuff our faces with green junk till we puke contest.

I wonder what the prize would be if you won? With my luck it would no doubt be more vegetables.

Yeah, that sounds like the kind of lame prize a person who likes vegetables would pull for eating them. There are sure some strange dudes out there.

As for me, well I'm happy if I don't have to mess with those options. They can keep them and I'll stick with something sane, like my jelly beans. They are nice without being cooked and you don't have to tell yourself they are good for you while putting them in your mouth.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK: "For hire signs. Do they work when you have less than four people."

NOT THERE

I got to admit this is down right horrible. When stuff that was there one minute is not there any longer.

This sure happens a lot where I live and let me tell you, I don't like it one bit. Stuff ain't just suppose to vanish like that.

Not to me. And you can be sure if it is that kind of stuff then I don't want any part in it. But you can be sure that I'm going to fix that problem soon enough.

Yeah, there ain't no way I'm going to let any crummy stuff screw me up that way. You can forget that part.

And I am sure working hard on fixing that part. Yeah, this is just not cool. I don't buy crap expect it to move around that way.

It was like the other day. Otis and I went over to the grocery store and we bought a bunch of stuff.

This was food kind of stuff. Which is really good. That kind of stuff really does make me happy.

That is providing I can you know still find the stuff when we get home. Which just didn't happen the other day.

We got home and we both put all the food away. And I know dang well there was a big package of these chocolate chip cookies in the bag.

I personally put them away myself. So I'm know it was there. Well later you know I went over to get them down and have a few and the package was gone.

I asked Otis about it and he just said, "What package?" It was hard to figure out what he said for sure since his mouth was full of something at the time.

But you know he keeps telling me that he had no idea about what happen to the package. Really was weird.

In any case, I looked all over and if I ever find out where they went man that sure will make me feel better. But that is okay, I know that next time, I'll glue them to the shelf. That will take care of it.

Now all I have to do is have Otis tell me where the heck he buys that chocolate chip flavored mouth wash. The one with the crumbs in it he was using when I asked him about the missing cookies.

I wouldn't mind trying it myself.

ALIENS AND ROCKS

Now this one should be easy for anyone to figure out. There are always those dang rocks that come down from space.

And who is to say those are from some alien throwing them? Ever think about that one? Well have you?

I bet you haven't. Personally, I can see where it would happen. Yeah, some wise ass turd of a galactic delinquent decides to be pissed at the world and so he picks up some rock and tosses it as us.

Hey, I saw the movie ET. The one where the short, weird looking spent all his time pointing. I bet he trying to tell us buds where to toss them stones.

Yeah, I can see where that could happen. Sort of like you know, with the idea of that other space movie, Close Encounter of the Third Kind. Or those Star Wars flicks. Why shoot they all probably have rocks in their somewhere that some jerk of an alien was planning on tossing.

Pretty disgusting if you ask me. Yep, I could appreciate how that would happen. I didnt say I liked it. Only that is does happen.

And frankly, I think we better give this some thought. I saw that one movie called Armpitgetsome or something like that.

Anyway it had this really big rock coming at the planet. And man let me tell you that was not cool. I hate to think how strong the alien was who tossed that one.

Why imagine if that thing fell on your head, it would have been terrible. I bet it would smart big time.

I think we need to be sure we don't let these guys get away with this. It sure ain't a good thing.

So for starters I think everyone ought to be given a nice big suit of armor. Just to be sure we don't get hurt if them alien toss some big rocks on us.

And then I think we ought to be sure we don't let them think we are push overs. You know the type so they know they can't do that kind of stuff to and get away with it.

I recommend we sent some missiles out there just to be safe. You know blow up some stuff in space just to give them the hint that this is not a good thing to mess with us.

Might seem very drastic, but do we really want to risk otherwise? I don't think so. I think we need to avoid that kind of problem.

But then that is me.

GOOD GRIEF

Oh man this is so painful. These are the moments when we have no choice, but to groan. I don't like it, but we don't have a choice.

Kind of like you know when you have been constipated for a long time and then suddenly you find out you got to go big time. And when you do it is like a whole weeks worth.

So you butt feels like it is on fire. And then you have to really groan big time in the process.

Let me tell you that is not a good feeling. Not to me. I don't enjoy it at all. I would pass on trying it again.

But I don't get a vote on that part. It ends up happening just the same. And with the same results.

Don't you just hate when life is like that? I do. I really hate when it suck like that. I mean you get all set to figure how it can be better and then whammo it sucks.

Can you fix it? Not for all the toilet paper in the world. Believe me I wish that was the case.

However, have learned to cope. Well at least I have tried. Not very well I have to admit. There are occasions when that doesn't work for me.

Well okay it never works for me. I just say I have learned to cope because it sounds so much better that to say, I have learn to gripe more.

People are never very impressed with that option. I'm not sure why, but they aren't. I wish they were.

Oh well, it is fun to imagine and I'm working on it. You can be sure on that part. I will do what I can to pretend this is a good thing.

You know how I'm looking forward to all this cool stuff that I can achieve when I manage to you know, figure this will work out the way I want. It never does though.

And no amount of laxative seems to help. It doesn't truly improve the situation in that regard.

So instead I have the fun of thinking about it. See that is the great part. When you can fix a problem you can act like you did.

And then we get to savor the time like we really did accomplish something. As long as nobody asks what they we are cool. And I think that is the best part, when I don't have to say.

GIVE ME THAT...

Boy you can bet this sucks. You want something, you deserve it and don't get it. Man is that a heartbreaker.

So you can still hope. You can still dream. But above all you still want it, whatever it is and you can be sure you are going to keep thinking about it.

That is the part that crack me up. When somebody wants to pretend they don't want something.

Like that is going to help to pretend. But it don't keep the person from saying it even if they don't mean it.

It is like with my buddy Otis. Oh man talk about being silly. There are times when he will sit down and act like he really doesn't need Spam.

Even though he needs it as much as I need jelly beans. Oh yeah you can be sure he's totally addicted to it.

But for some reason there are times when he wants to act like it isn't true. So he will let the Spam sit there and just look at it as if he can live with it.

So I will play his game. Now I'm not a big fan of Spam, but I will eat it at times. So while he sits there, I open it up and start eating it.

Now the big trick to this part is making sure that I act like I'm really enjoying it. Then he can you know really go crazy when I'm making yummy sounds.

But that is all the fun. I just kind of keep waiting to see how long it is going to take before he cracks.

So far he has managed about five minutes on a good day. Which is a lot when you have beads of sweat forming on your forehead.

In the end he really gives him and gobbles down the Spam. Never admits it is his addiction though.

But that's okay. I just smile because I know next time he will give me some slack on the whole jelly bean thing.

So I do enjoy when this happens. Sort of makes life easier for both of us. And there are times when that gives me reason to smile.

Such are the little things we both savor so much. Not sure why, but it does give a smile. Lasting till the next time when he sort of gets in the mood pretend again. Always ends up the same though.

WHERE?

Now this is really a big deal. I mean if you have to do something that is super duper earth shaking and you have to go somewhere in the process it helps to know where.

Really is important to know that part. For if you don't know where "where" is you can get there. It is as simple as that.

Well at least it ought to be. At least from the way I see it. And that is the part I figure that really counts.

So I figure that it the part that really counts. Honestly, I don't personally see this as a big problem.

You just have to know the where regardless. Really is so dang important. And you can be sure I make it a big deal.

It just don't seem to be quite as big of a deal in some places. Like over at STINK. They are suppose to you know tell you the details like that as far as I'm concerned.

After all this is a pretty big deal in my book. At least, that is what I happen to feel is a big problem.

What seems to happen a lot is that nobody decides to worry about the where part. Honestly seems so weird, but true.

I don't know you just have to wonder about that part. We are told to go out and do some grimefighter goodie and nobody mentions the where.

Now that is crazy to me. I just sit there while they talk about the who and the what part, but nobody says the where.

I guess it is mainly because they are talking like it is a place we have already gone too many times. Only that isn't always true.

At least I don't always remember the place. And if we end up driving around in circles in the process it hardly helps.

So I try to tell them forget it. That next time let's be sure we all know where we are going.

And normally they agree, sort of. Until the next time. Then we go through the same conversation.

Which sure don't help much. I just smile because I knew it would work out that way. But would they listen to me. NOOO! Like I was responsible for the map thing. They handed to me, but nobody said I had to keep holding it.

WHAT IS IT?

You ever have one of those times when you get something and haven't got a clue what it is? Yeah, it can be so darn annoying.

I get those times way to often. And it happens over at STINK a lot. Which is where you figure it shouldn't happen at all.

But we got this silly policy where you are suppose to do something nice for each grimefighter's birthday. That is okay, except it ends up with us always being something where they want us to buy the person a present.

Now the problem is even though we are super heroes, we are not rich. Heck, saving the world is tough work, but it sure don't pay squat. We don't even get free discounts either.

Nope, that just don't happen. So we get stuck. We have to make do figuring out a way to be creative on this present thing.

I mean you can only buy so many pencils from the ninety-nine cent store. And then end up trying to call them something else only goes so far too.

So that is when Otis came up with the idea of us shopping at the thrift store. And boy did that help.

They got some real bargains over there. Only problem is that you can't always be sure what you are buying.

The really cheap stuff is generally a part of something else that you haven't got a clue what it is. But it is affordable and that is what counts

I don't know, it just is kind of weird I guess, but it sort of work. Everybody does get something.

The what can be sort of a stretch, but that is okay. We get to give the ones we get for our birthdays to somebody else for Christmas.

Makes it kind of strange for the holidays I guess. And you know that can kind of leave the wrong impression about Santa too.

I mean they aren't a bunch of rocks for being bad, but they sure are weird, like one of his elf's had some brain melt down. We don't put it that way naturally. But you can sort of tell it from the eyes.

Which is all the fun I guess. Until you get home and trying to figure what you are going to do with this thing-a-ma-jig that you can't figure out.

Otis just gives them to the mailman as a Christmas present. So far our mail keeps getting delivered later and later, so I don't think it was quite appreciated.

DELIVERANCE

I just found out the other day that this ain't a new form of delivery. I sure was hoping it did.

Main I just figured deliverance meant that you got something in a rush. Kind of clever play on words.

Boy do I wish that was the case. I mean when I heard about this deliverance thing I figured man this is cool another chance to get stuff delivered.

I was a little confused you know over how in the world that the Reverend Analbe got involved with delivering thing. But who knows what all God had in mind in terms of the Reverend.

So I went over to his meeting place on the night they were having what he called a deliverance meeting. Boy some of the stuff they were talking about sure was strange.

They were talking about junk like getting deliverance from evil spirits. Well you can be sure that I didn't what to have any of them delivered to me.

I kind of thought you know it was rather weird that they would even want to be shipping evil spirits. I never found out what the cost was, but I don't plan on asking for any reason either.

Man that is not my idea of fun. And I never imagine it would be for them either. Just sounded kind of strange.

But then I guess since they spend so much time you know fighting those bad evil spirits they would have a reason to be wanting to get rid of them. Just not interested in having a delivery for myself.

I'm sure glad I don't work delivering them either. Can't imagine it would be fun. Yeah, not something I would enjoy.

But then that is me. Guess for the religious types it is something fun to do. Just hope they don't ask me to help out.

And let me tell you I sure don't want to be among those who end up getting them delivered to me either.

I think for myself I will just pass. I will head on over to some place where they deliver good junk instead.

If I'm going to get a deliverance of some kind I would rather have it be sugar and tasty. That works for me.

And most of the time I'll stick with that choice.

Thought for the week: "Bumper stickers. Great idea, but what if you sell the car, do you get to keep the bumper?"

NO TRESPASSING

Well the no I understand on this. You know it means you can't do that. I always wonder if there is such a thing as yes trespassing?

Personally, I don't see why you can't have that. I mean honestly would there be a problem for people to be told, hey come on in? Just trespass your heart out.

Come on now, doesn't that sound cool? I could figure it sure would sound a lot more friendly that the no trespassing thing.

And I bet you wouldn't even need any type of you know, fence. Just maybe a cool sign letting people know they wouldn't get beat up if they cross over the line.

The other thing I wonder about you know is how come if they don't want you to go somewhere they make sure you know about it? I mean why don't they just not say anything.

I mean people are really weird. They always seem to want to do the one thing you don't want them to do.

So if you didn't shout it out to keep away with some sign I bet they wouldn't even care. They would just ignore that whole deal.

It is okay though. I figure if people got some reason to keep you away that is there business.

I could give them a few pointers though. I don't know, but I never have had much problem getting people to stay away.

Oh there are times I got to admit I don't really plan it. I am like sitting there just talking to somebody and sharing.

That is where you know I tell them junk I know. Funny how there are times the people get these strange looks on their faces and then the next thing you know they just have to leave.

Normally they don't come back either. It is okay though. I don't mind that much. I'm sure they are just getting busy.

Yeah so busy they can't even tell me when they have changed their address or phone number. Boy is that strange.

But then people can be so weird in that regard. Yeah, that is a big problem with some people.

Pity they are so unfriendly. But that is okay I guess. Saves on my needing signs.

POP GOES THE WEASEL

I sure don't want any of that kind of pop. Any type that ends up going the weasel sounds awful.

Really leaves me scratching my head about the flavor. Not sure what kind that would be, but boy you can be sure it wouldn't be one I'm ready to try.

And you know I don't see anywhere that they mention this weasel stuff on say something like say the side of a can. You would figure if you are going to gulp down a nice cool whatever and it makes you kind of goofy it would be good to not that in advance.

I'm not even sure what going like a weasel would be like. I reckon it might be worth checking it out I suppose.

Only I don't know that I am sure where you check. I did look in the phone and even on the internet, but didn't see any goes the weasel there. Nor did they have like a you know pop section for telling you it was going to be a weasel going kind.

Perhaps this you know makes you end up going like weasel if you drink to much of a certain kind of pop? Hmmm, sounds kind of scary.

Guess I won't worry about it too much. Providing they don't like try to you know mess around with doing something weird such as putting this stuff in root beer. Boy would that piss me off.

The good news for me I guess is that I haven't seen anything like that up till now. If it is some new brand that might be different.

But all I hope is nobody asks my opinion. For I sure wouldn't vote for it. Too bad the never put good stuff like that on the ballot.

Yeah, that would be really cool. I could find every reason to be happy to say no to that option.

I figure I could start one of those you know say no to campaigns. They do those for like drugs.

Not sure why something like aspirin would need people to say no, but I reckon it is important to some people. But then I do have to wonder if that applies to vitamins too?

Never heard on that one. Makes me kind of curious. However, I reckon we will just have to wait and see or whatever you are suppose to do in that regard.

And maybe along the way they could like tell me the good side to all of this. Like perhaps this is a good thing to somebody. I hope so because it sure isn't that way to me. Well not right now. Guess I got to get the pop and weasel thing fixed first.

DOING IT TOGETHER

I don't mind this idea unless it involves more than one person. Then it sucks. Well not always I guess. But in too many darn cases it has been that way to me.

That is when like I have to cope with it over at STINK. Then the together thing can really suck.

It might not be so bad over at STINK if the darn thing didn't mean working with so many crazy dudes. That is the big problem.

Now most of the time the rest of the grimefighters and I don't have to do that much together. We get to fight grime, but only with one bud.

The only exception is when we have this thing called a joint effort. Now joints are like knees and elbows and those can get strained.

Which to me is the part that I try to remember. See when we have these joint efforts it means we all are going to catch the bad guys together.

That is a great idea. In sort of one way. However, I have to admit that it doesn't quite work out as cool when we try it for real.

Like the other night. We had this special raid planned on a place where we were told a bunch of griminals love to hang out.

And since that was something where a lot of them might be there we decide to take back up. That is some fancy police term for you know when you need help.

But it ain't suppose to apply to people actually having to back up. Somehow a couple of our guys thought it meant they had to walk backwards.

Boy was that a disaster too. Then you know we ended up being given the wrong address too.

Well by the time we sorted through it all we didn't quite end up catching any bad guys. Plus well it would have been nice I guess if the people didn't put up a fight either. Some people did get hurt.

What can I say? I mean man I never imagined a bunch of old ladies playing bingo could hit that hard.

Good thing there were more of us than them. Whew, them old ladies sure got pissed when we interrupted looking for B 3.

Fortunately we did manage to get our guys out of there while them ladies were pounding at them with purses. The guys bruises will heal. Just hope we don't have to run into those ladies again. Next time they might have as many people as we did, then it would really be dangerous.

EDIBLE

Yep, this is a good deal to have stuff you can eat. And even better if it doesn't make you puke.

I sort of consider that to be very important. For if the stuff tastes like crap I don't care if it will cure a disease it sure won't make it on my list of yum.

I'm sorry, but crap whether it is good for you or not just ain't my idea of a good thing. You just can't get others to always appreciate that part.

Like why can't they make those darn health foods look like a pizza. Yeah that would sure help.

Try to tell that to those crazy dudes who work in those health food places. They sure don't seem to agree.

Now I ask you would it mean the end of the world if they did spend the time fixing their junk so it didn't make you want to barf? I figure that would be a good thing.

Maybe if they would follow the simple guidelines I would offer it could help. Which is when it doubt you can rely upon either fudge sauce or ketchup to fix most stuff.

I don't recommend trying both at the same time though. That is not a good thing. And I should also mentions how peanut butter can be a big help too.

Really seems like a decent option to me. And that would in my opinion sure improve this whole deal.

Alas I guess nobody is going to take my advice on that part. I will keep trying. After all these folks would sure benefit from such help.

At least they would if they wanted me to help buy their stuff. And I think that counts for something.

And you can be sure that if it doesn't help I will always resort to a nice natural option to solve my problem. My bat is made of wood.

You can't get more natural than that. Oh well not sure they will agree. Which is fine because I don't imagine that will matter once I take care of things.

It is nice when you can help folks out to see the light. Pity it has to be stars from bashing them. But that's life.

Which is what Otis says whenever I mention my idea on this edible thing. Course he is normally eating some Spam at the time, so I'm not sure that counts in terms of opinions, but at least he doesn't complain as he does when he is hungry.

THE GOOD OLD DAYS

Well, I guess we understand that this means days that are old and um good. Which I guess is a good thing.

Only problem is how come if they are so good they are old and gone? Honestly, wouldn't it make sense for them to keep being?

But I guess nobody figured they were worth continuing. Now is that supposed to make sense?

I mean if this was so hot how come they ended? Honestly you do have to wonder what happened?

Now personally I think there is something phony about this thing. Because you never hear about the bad old days do you?

At least I don't recall hearing about them. Maybe they just sucked so much nobody wants to think about them.

In fact you know it might be they were like that all the time. So it sounds like to me that maybe you know somebody is sitting down and making up a bunch of fibs.

Yeah, they want us to think the past was cool. Like it is some private joke they happen to know and don't want us to know the whole thing was really crappy.

Which is okay. Only I'm wonder if today will ever be the good old days? You do have to wonder.

Well all I know is I hope somebody asks me. Because I won't waste time making crap up about the good old days if you are talking now.

Nope I will tell it like it is, or er was. Basically it was okay. Not maybe all good, but not all bad either.

Just sort of there. And once and a while it turned good. Which is very cool. Other times it turned sucky, which was not so good.

And let me tell you that is not my idea of a good time. But then that is me. And I don't imagine I get a vote in the matter in the first place.

I think I will work on that part though. I would enjoy making these good too. Not sure about the old part.

Maybe I'll just let them pass without comment. You never know when that will be a good thing.

At least to me. And right now that is good, but not old or a day.

KINGDOM COME

Okay where is it? Come on I want to see this place. Yeah, ain't a kingdom a good thing? I thought it was a big deal.

Yeah, you would think something as cool as a kingdom would sort of be easy to see. Only the Reverend Analbe is kind of weird on the subject.

He talks about this thy kingdom come thing like it is a big deal. Only he never is very clear on where you find it. I mean if it is so cool then why can I go and visit.

But I never get that chance. Oh I have tried. I mean I really thought it would be great to have a chance to check out this place.

I just figured it would be kind of cool to see what all kinds of great stuff they had to offer. You know like perhaps a really great candy store.

I can't imagine that they don't have any good candy stores there. Can see it being much of decent kingdom without some sugar. Wouldn't be merry that is for sure.

At least not to me. Yeah, I mean you can talk all you want about kings and junk, but if the don't have like something good to eat, forget it.

Which ain't worth being a place to come in my view. Nope you can forget that beinga good deal in my opinion.

But I'm just not sure where you are going to find this kingdom anyway. I checked on a map and didn't see it listed.

Course I must confess that it sort of bugged me that they didn't like have an enchanted section. I understand that is part of what you get with kingdoms.

Plus aren't there suppose to be like knights and wizards and junk? You do got to wonder. At least I do.

Just haven't found it so far. And you can be sure if they are like passing out free wands and crowns, I'm all for it.

Might be nice to be able to turn a frog or two into a prince or the other way around. I kind of wonder what they become if they aren't a prince?

Like do they become something other than a frog? Maybe a plant? Might be okay. Not sure it would be a good thing, but you never know for sure.

As long as they don't turn me into something. Unless it is a tree that grows jelly beans. That might be worth it. Only I wouldn't be able to eat them, so that would be a drawback I guess.

JUMP SUITS

I think this is a terrible thing. People suing other people for suing. I have to ask how do you even manage this?

Honestly what do you sue them for? Unless perhaps if you stepped on their toe I could see it then.

But otherwise it just seems to me to be a silly idea. I guess lawyers don't care though. They seem to enjoy suing people a lot.

I suppose I can understand it too. I mean after all they do spend all day hanging around courthouses.

So you do have to kind of figure that they do need something to do while there. Not sure if they couldn't find a better way to spend their time.

Yeah, like maybe collecting junk. That seems like a decent way for people to spend time for a lot of people.

So how come instead of suing so many people for junk like jumping they can't do that? I would that would work.

But no, them darn lawyers just seem to hung up on this suing thing. Not sure why it is such a big deal to them either.

Just figure like that say you can't teach an old log new bricks. Kind of not sure what that has to do with you know lawyers, but I guess you have to figure they might have some logs somewhere.

As for me, well I don't plan on going over near them lawyers any time soon. I think I will just not take any chances in case for some reason I do have to jump.

I reckon they would find something wrong with it. And then you get stuck you know after to help them find the light.

That is the one you get them to look at so you don't end up having them watch you. It can be such a tough thing to do too.

Unless you are in a position where you got some flashlight that you can use. Then you bash them with it and that solves the problem.

At least that way Otis doesn't get pissed at me about using my bat. I hate when he does that.

But lawyers seem to hate it too. Which is why suing for leaping isn't the only thing they do when it comes to my bat.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK: "Just say no? Why? Can we say yes if it is for take out?"

TELEGRAMS AND MARSHMALLOWS

Now this is all about real toasty stuff. Oh yeah there is nothing better than toasted marshmallows.

I know some will probably claim that telegrams are toasted. They can be if they tell you stuff that will sort of drive you nuts.

Otis is real good at that part. He is the kind that loves to send telegrams to people he is mad at.

Then he makes it about something that will practically give the person a heart attack. It this a good thing?

He seems to think so. Only I do wonder at times. Course he never sends one to me. I'm grateful for that.

And he never sends them to our buds either. Just the ones that he is sort of pissed at. Which is mainly like griminals.

Oh yeah they deserve it. And what he does is tell them they have won a contest where they won some free marshmallows.

Oh man let me tell you that is so much fun. Because them darn griminals love anything that is messy.

Course they don't really win the marshmallows. But they show up thinking they have. And that makes it even more fun.

Because when they don't get any marshmallows it really toasts their mood. And let me tell you that sure is lots of fun to see.

In the meantime when they do show up, we get to plan some way of bashing them. Well I do that part.

Otis seems more happy just to have gotten them to respond to the telegram. It really makes him smile.

And all I do is sit there after we have taught them a lesson and gobble down the marshmallows. Nothing makes them more pissed than to see us eating them.

Sort of toasts them in a different way. And let me tell you they sure love to avoid that possibility.

I don't know it does give me lots of reasons to smile. About as well as I can figure it would be in order to be called sweet revenge. Or maybe it ought to be toasted revenge. Either way it tastes good.

FAXES AND SOAP

Now I bet you are wondering how these two could go together. Yeah, I bet you are thinking old Philo has cracked or something.

But I haven't. Not at all. I don't care what those guys over at STINK say, I just see things different. And that ain't always a bad thing.

Okay, they say I see stuff that ain't even there. But that only happen once. It don't happen all the time.

I mean anybody can make a mistake. So I was stuck in that room with the door closed and no windows. And I was using that new cleaning fluid. The one that sort of hadn't been tried yet.

The guys in STINK's lab came up with it. Claimed it was going to be a good thing. Which is nice, only that isn't white how it felt.

I don't know, but to me walls are not suppose to move if you ask me. And last time I checked there were no real purple tomatoes dancing under a green umbrella in my socks.

So, I was just telling the other guys about it and figured they would understand about the cleaning fluid and all. But they sure weren't all that understanding.

I did learn my lesson though. I don't tell them such things anymore. So the other day when those dudes in that silver craft landing on my lawn and tried to give me this deal that they claimed would cure all the sickness in the world, I didn't buy into telling anybody.

That is the part where I gave thought to about the faxes and soap. See you use both when you have too. Otherwise you don't think about them that much.

Now I don't do much faxing though. You got to have a fax machine for that. Which isn't quite as it is with soap. Though it does come in dispensers.

But you do have to push a button to get it to work, so I see that as sort of the same thing. And again that is something which you just don't do every second.

However, you do need to do it sometimes. Which is the important thing to remember. If you screw up and forget you can be in big trouble.

Because unwashed hands and unsent faxes never give us much reason to feel good about things. You just feel all crappy inside.

And who needs that. So my advice is wash your hands before faxing. And you feel better in the morning. Or at least at a time that counts. At least where I'm keeping score. Which is easy for me to do the way I count stuff.

DONE DEALS

I have to admit I don't really get this thing that well. I mean when something is done it means it is over.

So what kind of deal can you have that is all over with before you actually have the deal? And who think this is good?

Not me. I mean I want to at least know I had some deal before it was all done. That just don't work for me.

Not really sure who thinks it does. Maybe people who don't like complications. And deals you have to think about would be like that.

Yeah, I could see where that might work for a few people. Those are probably the ones who talk about wanting something for nothing.

Only it sounds more like getting nothing for nothing. Hmmm, perhaps they like it that way.

As for me. Well I want something for something. I mean a deal that is like not over with and therefore I do get something in the process.

That seems like a good option to me. Only I can't say there is a reason to think this is unreasonable either.

Otis always says something is unreasonable when he doesn't like it. And he sure does seem to do that with my ideas a lot.

But that's okay, I'm going to surprise him. I work on this deal where I know I got some good stuff coming.

So it is done in terms of the fact that I done know I'm getting stuff. And that is so cool. Boy I can't wait for him to see when this stuff come in the mail.

I got such a bargain on those can's of artificially flavored breakfast cereal. They had some really incredible flavors. Stuff like peanut butter and sauerkraut. And liverwurst and creamed corn.

I sure hope they come soon. I did send them cash in the mail like that asked. It has been three months. Hope it comes soon.

I know the mail can run slow. So I reckon it will be here soon. Maybe tomorrow. I hate to ask the mail man though.

He gets so grouchy when I ask him about some delivery too often. After six months he sort of hides when he sees me.

JUDGMENT DAY

Oh my this sucks. Let me tell you there ain't nothing more scary to me as a grimefighter than when I have to sit and face my boss, Dr. Hemoglobin's judgment on what we did.

Now Otis doesn't seem to worry about it much. That is on account of him being so dang good at explaining things.

Yeah it is amazing how he can make a goof look like something great. By the time he gets through talking about it you would figure we did good and didn't mess up at all.

Man is that so cool. And I really like when that happens. Well at least the times when it works right.

Those are the times when stuff gets believed. Yep, I sure like those times. Those make the times he thinks we are silly all the easier to handle.

And let me tell you those are not cool. Otis sure never gives up though. I like that part. He will make it so much fun in terms of being so real.

Only some times try as he might, Dr. Hemoglobin gets in a tizzy fit over something. That is when he freaks out and thinks we are crazy.

It sure isn't good when that happens. Honestly it sucks so dang much. I just hate when that is because we tried to explain how we back up in a garbage truck over some motorcycle cop's bike.

I suppose it would be easy to get him to believe the parking break gave out if the cop wasn't on the bike at the time. He gets kind of picky on that part.

Not as much as the cops though. They really don't have much understanding over such things.

But that is not a good thing. So we do try to avoid those situations. And sometimes we even succeed.

Personally, I thought that Otis did a great job of explaining this deal in a way that made sense. Only the cops weren't any more embracing of it that Dr. Hemoglobin.

Which is not the way that I like to see things. And wish they were more understanding on that deal.

But at times they can be such pains in that regard. When can lead to the worse kind of judgment day.

The kind that comes standing before a judge in a courtroom. Otis is smart enough to let some lawyer make up junk then. We learned that the hard way though.

WRATH OF GOD

WRATH OF GOD

Is this scary or what? It is to me. Honestly, I can imagine getting excited about this in a good way.

I sure don't like the idea of having my butt barbecued by some thunderbolts. Just doesn't inspire me as a good thing.

So I think I would prefer to pass. I'm just not sure how you avoid it. Yeah, you know it is kind of hard.

Well that is if you listen to the Reverend Analbe. He's kind of the expert on this thing. You know the kind or person who talks to God personally, so he should now.

I wish he was a little more specific on this thing though. I'm never truly clear on when this is suppose to happen.

If you listen to him it can really be confusing. That is because it is hard to figure out when you really deserve the thunderbolt.

The Reverend is kind of fuzzy on that part. Oh you can be sure if you mess up that you deserve it.

I just am not that clear on what all qualifies as making you a target for thunderbolts. All I know is that according to the Reverend we ought to be grateful on account of we all deserve it.

Hmmm, I guess with him being the exception. I think he has like a thunderbolt pass or something.

But for the rest of us you can be sure that we all deserve to be punished. And will be. If not today, eventually.

Unless do what he says is repenting. Which I understand has something to do with buying him donuts.

Can't say that part makes a lot of sense. I just know that if you take him some donuts he seems to get in a better mood.

Then he sort of doesn't talk about the thunderbolts as much. So I have learned that if I think what I did wrong my get my behind zapped I just mosey over to the donut shop.

I haven't figured out how many donuts are enough though. With the Reverend there doesn't seem to be a good limit.

But the more the better seems to be the case. Then after five dozen or so he really never brings up the thunderbolts at all.

DETOUR SIGNS

Now the thing I'm wondering about with these things is if they like think up the detour first or do they mess the roads up first and then panic and put up the sign? I do wonder at times.

And of course it does leave me thinking that perhaps this whole deal is some kind of plot to piss people off. I mean these detours are always so absurd.

How come they can't do them in a way that makes more sense? It is like they put some complete idiot in charge of the detours.

So they never make it easy. You end up having to take a bunch of side roads all over the place instead of the easier route.

So I figure with some of them they have a complete moron who can't see well doing the detour thing. And that is not a good deal.

Now really what is the big deal with say using a few allies as part of this deal? Would that be so bad?

I think it would make a lot of sense. After all it isn't like they are all that busy. Plus it would have to be great for when people needed a dumpster to leave trash so they didn't litter.

I just think it is truly a same more people haven't gotten into the spirit of this kind of deal. You know let them be happy with that option.

Sure would make it simple without messing with dealing with stop signs. Oh yeah, that would be so cool.

I think a lot of people would like the idea. Plus you know alleys have no speed limits. How can you top that?

I reckon I would have to give the city a call and see if there is away to make that work. Yeah, I imagine they would appreciate the help.

Providing they are not going to have another of those days? That seems to happen a lot when I call.

I start out by you know telling them one of my ideas and for some reason they suddenly tell me they are getting sick. Kind of sad to think they get sick that often.

But you know I guess some have problems with health a lot. Sure do see my share of them when I call people on the phone.

Maybe this detour thing will cheer them up. Hope so. Really hate hearing them vomit on the phone.

RASCALS

Now I sure don't mind not messing with these kinds of folks. Rascals for me are the jerks who know better, but act like jerks anyway.

Let me tell you they suck too. I mean it is like with something such as you know littering. They have trash cans everywhere so how hard it is to take the hint?

But you always have some clown out there that thinks it is different. Like it is okay for him to litter regardless of what makes sense.

I only wish that I had a way to teach these rascal a lesson. You know get them to see the light.

Now Otis sort of says I couldn't do that anyway on account of my way of making people understand stuff don't make this a good thing. That's because I use my bat to take care of the thing.

And you know when a person is unconscious they have trouble seeing any light. Just sort of works that way.

But I keep hoping to take care of that problem at times. Just haven't figured out a better solution.

I will give thought to options. I had thought like running over them with a truck might work. That wouldn't leave them unconscious.

Well I have to admit that I'm not totally sure on that part though. Just sort of hoping it would help.

I am keeping my options open. You know looking a different ways to get the message out there.

Only so far the one way I want to try the most is to write it on my bat. That way when they woke up it would be imprinted on their foreheads.

Then you have to worry if they will actually you know be able to see it from having a mirror. That might be taken care of by leaving them a mirror.

But then I have to be sure I have a mirror with me. And that is more stuff to lug around. So I guess I haven't got the whole deal figured out yet.

I'm going to work on it. Anything I can do in order to improve on eliminating rascals is a good thing from my view.

Just have to hope it will work the way I want. That can be tough at times. But I will get the hang of it eventually.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK: "I've heard of flower power, but where to you plug it in?"

ELDERS

Will somebody tell why being old means you have to be smart too? Is this some kind of rule I was never told?

You do have to wonder at times. Oh I do understand how being elderly means you know lots of junk, but does it mean you are smarter than some others?

I got to admit that I'm not convinced on that part. Just seems kind of like that isn't always true.

And we do need to do as they say and respect our elders. Like help them across the street and stuff. Providing they do want to go across the street. Really is good to check first. You'll have to trust me on that one.

In any case here the whole idea I think is that elders are suppose to be treated as well elders. And in a good way too.

But what all that means I have no idea. Sometime pretty dang important I reckon. Just sure what all yet.

I was trying to find out by going to what they call the source. That is where you ask somebody who is in that group.

So I figured it was best to check with an elder. Only thing is the elder I happen to know best is Ramy Jarvis, STINK's ninety four year old janitor.

He's pretty cool at times. Does sort of think we are still fighting World War 2 so that is kind of weird. But sometimes he makes sense.

I should say I also know Granny Potts too. She is a nice lady. Kind of good at making meals too.

Providing she remembers to wear her glasses. That can be a really bad choice if she forgets. Kind of gets the washing machine confused with the oven.

Not my idea of a good meal having to eat wet socks. Better than wet underwear I guess. But neither are as good as real food.

Anyway, I did take time to talk to Ramy to ask him about Elders. He said he wasn't a big fan of trees.

I can say I did get an answer, just not the one I was thinking would really make any sense. But then at least Ramy didn't ramble this time about fighitng some people called the huns.

Not sure why he always wants to fight them at his age, but I guess it works for him as an elder.

DETOUR SIGNS