STAFF

Well this is supposed to be you know about people. We got staff over at STINK. They are the ones who sit at desks while the rest of us go out and work our butts off.

And the one thing I have figured out is they call them staff because when you deal with them it is like being hit with a staff. You know one of those club things.

That is because those guys always make me feel like I've been hit in the head when I have to deal with them. They beat us to death with those stupid rules till we end up with a headache.

Like that really helps with the problems we have to deal with. Now I ask you, do I really need to mess with filling out some stupid form in triplicate about some thing I did on my trash route.

And let me tell you. Man when it comes to chasing down the bad guys, I really hate these stupid forms.

I mean how come they need a detailed description about how I beat the snot out of some griminal? Like they need to have me explain each and every bash I made.

Is that really necessary? They can be such a pain in the butt for such stuff. And it sure makes me want to make sure they don't forget either.

But they got rules about that too. Man they have rules about everything. Forms too. Oh yeah, like I need some form to get permission first before I bash someone.

That is so silly. They expect me to fill out a grimefighter's activity schedule. And they naturally want it in triplicate.

Why, I have no idea. I just get kind of bored with all their silliness. They are so annoying with this form thing.

Plus have the time it seems that they have forms to order forms. Like you need one form to get a second from so you fill it out and try to explain what you could say in person.

That in no way makes sense to me. And if it were up to me, I would definitely not want to put up with that silliness.

But I reckon, I'm stuck. For the one thing I know is they have no plans on getting rid of any staff any time soon.

I couldn't be that lucky. I'm sure that would be totally impossible. And I don't care what Otis says staff is not a good word at STINK.

I'll just have to pretend that it is otherwise. Maybe someday they will come up with a form for getting rid of staff. Now that would be the biggest fun.

FUN ZONES

Why do they have to have these? I mean can't we have a chance to have fun anywhere? Seems like we have shouldn't have to just make up some special place for stuff like that.

Now don't get me wrong, fun zones can be fun. Yep, all those rides and games are load of laughs.

But as far as I'm concerned we ought to have a chance to do that wherever we want. I mean really I might get all wild and enjoy being a little crazy somewhere that doesn't have the word amusement on the entrance sign.

After all there are lots of cool things to do in the world and even back at my place. Gee I hope they don't have to be called fun zones though.

Perhaps that is just for these places where you only get to have fun in those places. I wonder what happens if you don't have fun in them?

Do they like have a law or anything which gets you in big trouble if you don't? I wonder what kind of crime that is considered to be?

And if you aren't having fun do they like punish you by sentencing you to have fun? Do they have a jail for something like that?

Not sure where that jail is, but I reckon it will be run by clowns. Seems like that would make sense.

After all if you are there to be punished for not having fun, you best have a clown to make you have fun. Hey, I wonder if you get to eat cake and ice cream in a place like that?

Oh man just imagining that makes me all excited. Yep, I can almost imagine wanting to just look sad so they would take me to that place.

I wonder how long I could manage to look sad when being forced to eat cake and ice cream? Hmmm, that's hard to say?

But I think I'll practice up a bit so I can be sure when the time comes I can look properly unhappy. Not big deal to me.

All I have to do is say gobble down tons of cake and ice cream till I get use to looking sad. That could take a while though.

I reckon I'll have to do a whole lots of practice. Like weeks work. I don't mind, I can make the sacrifice. No biggie. Living on cake and ice cream would work for me.

Just a question of how much time it takes me to convince Otis it is okay.

FINDING A NEEDLE IN A HAYSTACK

Alright, what I want to know is who is the knucklehead that goes around leaving needles haystacks? Is this some kind of sick game this jerk is playing?

Does he like go around just looking for haystacks in order to put needles in them? That sounds like a real stupid thing for anyone to do in the first place.

And as far as I'm concerned if somebody needs to look for that stupid needle it ought to be the jerk who decided to put it there in the first place. Why should somebody else get stuck doing that?

I got to admit too that it does kind of bug me also to think that anyone spends their time this way. I'm come on it ain't like there are haystacks to be found just anywhere you know. They are easy to find.

Unless you are talking about those chocolate covered coconut haystacks you get at the candy store. They're pretty easy to find. Gosh, hope nobody is getting weird ideas about putting needles in them. That would be really awful.

Well, as far as the other kinds of haystack, the real kind, I guess somebody knows where you find them. I reckon what with cows eating hay a farmer might be a good person to ask. Whether they would tell you, I can't say.

Oh my god, what if the farmer is the needle dude? Yeah if some sick jerk of a farmer is responsible for sticking those needles in the hay?

And what if the cows eat them? Man, talk about scary. Who wants to go and put milk on some cereal only to find out it has needles in it?

Worse yet, what if this farmer jerk decides to put it in ice cream. Man, that would really be the pits.

I don't even like to think of that possibility. Hmmm, I'm wondering if I best you know do something like double check with the guy who runs the ice cream parlor.

See if he has a think for hay or needles. Yeah, better safe that biting into an ice cream cone and end up with getting stuck with needle.

Gosh isn't it amazing how you can just be minding your own business and somebody will just totally come up with the strangest things to worry about. I guess I'm always glad to do my part to help take care of that problem a little.

And if you happen to find the jerk doing this needle in the haystack thing, then I would tell him to knock it off. Actually I would figure a way to make sure he stopped. I wonder if that is where the sticking a needle in the eye was invented as an idea. Not sure if I'm ready for that option.

GOOD JOB

You know, they say this over at STINK to us sometimes. Not all the time, just sometimes. Not enough to feel like they mean it though.

Wish they could be clearer on that kind of thing. I mean it gets really difficult to figure what is meant by a good job when they never say for sure.

One time you go out on assignment and think you did great and they don't say a dang word. The next time they brag on what you did even when you feel it sucked.

I guess it depends more on their mood I suppose. Plus the "they" I'm talking about kind of change at times.

Sometimes we are talking old rat boy, Junior Hemoglobin. Others it is our real boss, Dr. Hemoglobin. Then there are the times when we deal with the security dudes or mechanic or maybe one of the other grimefighters who got stuck being in charge of telling us how he ain't really in charge.

Anyway, I pretty much know that if Junior says good job, he doesn't really mean it. That is something he sort of says because his dad, Dr. Hemoglobin makes him feel like it does.

What happens is that on those occasions when we do something really cool like manage to catch a griminal and beat the snot out of him real good. Then we haul is butt back to headquarters.

Now unfortunately for me Otis has a different idea of beating the snot out of somebody is different than mine. For me, shoot, if they are unconscious you can be darn sure when they wake up they will remember they did something bad.

If they don't lose consciousness they might not take it serious. I like to do what I call reinforcing of that fact. You know a bat works really great at reinforcing from my view.

Well, I don't reckon I'll manage to get Otis to agree with me on that part though. Wish I could. But he gets kind of finicky on that kind of thing.

Which is not as bad as trying to get Dr. Hemoglobin to come right out and say we did a good job. Normally, I'm used to him just pointing out when we screw up. Oh he might say that was done correctly. He's big on using he word correctly when not yelling.

But every once and a while he sort of forgets and actually tells us good job. I'm just grateful that most of the time normally Otis manages to be sure he has not bothered to share with him what he calls the 'minor details.' Those are the things where we screwed up, but nobody saw us do that.

I figured that as long as our boss things we did a good job that is the most important part. Better to imagine that spill your guts if it means instead of being told good job you get told, you are an idiot.

PET PHRASES

What do people get so stupid and act totally dumb when it comes to their pets. I got a pet named Spam. But I sure don't get wacky and start calling him cutsey and disgusting silly names.

Especially when I'm out in public. Course my cat Spam doesn't act like normally cats. He seems to need to sleep a lot. And only eats Spam and mainly only when my buddy Otis is around. He's the big expert on Spam in our house. He is real addict to it. Which is why I know when he says my cat only love Spam, I believe him.

Anyway, Spam is kind of weird or I should say Otis acts strange at times. Because there are times when that stupid cat won't even purr. Then Otis suddenly gets this urge to buy batteries from some strange reason. Well when he gets home from the store I guess it somehow makes Spam happy. For it isn't too long after that when Spam starts purring again.

But you know, no matter what, regardless of how weird my cat acts, I have never thought it was a good idea to treat him like he was some little fluffy thing you had to talk about in silly talk. I'm talking about you know, the way some parents talk to kids.

Jeez, how do they expect baby to ever learn to talk right when they say all that crap like goo-goo to them? Is that dumb or what?

I know I have no intentions of getting on that stupid bandwagon of talking funny or in stupid phrases about any animal. I'll let the dumb people who love acting weird do that.
Besides I don't play any musical instruments. And that would be even dumber to be on a wagon full of band dudes to just sit

Meanwhile, as they say, live and let live. Which to me means if you want to keep live then by all means don't ruin my life with some kind of stuff about your life that makes my life bored in the process. I'm doing what they call parrot-phrasing you understand. That is where you ramble like a bird brain because you can't think of something that makes sense other wise.

Well, I hope I have cleared up this thing for you. I really am glad I did all that explaining so perhaps it will end all this silly calling your pets by some silly phrase.

If any of you still aren't clear then do me a favor and don't come around where I am. I just would rather not mess with listening to your ramble like you don't have a brain.

Plus, if you do that too much I might be tempted to bash you. And the one thing I know from that is it will definitely be sure you don't talk like you have a brain after that.

So just keep that part of you silly talk to yourself if we meet. I would be happy, you would be happy and nobody has to worry about if they brain stays in their head. Seems reasonable to me. But then most things do.

HOLY MOLY

Alright who is this dude Moly and what makes him holy? I feel if people are going around talking about this Moly character like he's somebody special he might be worth meeting.

I wonder if he has a church anywhere? Or perhaps he just goes door to door like some of those other dudes who want to make sure you get woke up on Saturday morning to know the world is coming to an end.

I just hope this Moly character ain't like them. There is just something really depressing to have somebody wake you up on Saturday morning just to let you know you're going to die. Really doesn't wake me up in a good way from my point of view.

You try getting them to appreciate that too. That is providing you can get them to shut up long enough to listen. Which is definitely not easy with some of those folks.

Course I don't recall them every talking about this Moly character. I wonder if by any chance he happened to have invented avocadoes or was the first to make it into guacamole? Yeah, perhaps he's got some kind of you know royalties off of each batch.

Then it would explain how he wouldn't have to worry about money. That would be a lot better than with those other dudes that I have to deal with who keep talking about God, but always need your money. Like if I give it to them they will shut up and give me a break on telling me how the world is going to end.

Meanwhile, I think it would be nice to find out how to reach his Moly dude. You know in case he has any special tips on how to make guacamole if for no other reason.

Really you would think the guy wouldn't be in any way a big deal seeing how he is supposed to be holy and all. Course then, perhaps the holy part means he as trouble with wearing old underwear far too long.

But then it I kind of wonder if he would bother to make sure anybody knew about it? Well at least I have to wonder. Others might not see it that way.

I suppose that it will have to wait till I find out where to get in touch with him. Maybe I'll stop by the grocery store in case he love hanging around the ice cream.

No wait, he be around the avocadoes. Hmmm, I wonder where they keep those? Oh now I remember. It is over with the dips. Yeah that is where we always get our guacamole when Otis buys it.

Um, I wonder if they happen to have avocadoes that aren't already made into guacamole? I bet they do. Yeah, I'm sure somebody will know where I can find them.

I'll just head over to the store and ask them if anybody has seen Holy Moly yet.

HOW NOW BROWN COW

Well I haven't quite got this one figured out yet. I mean do brown cows do some how thing different that other cows? Are they like weird or something?

Seems like it is a big deal to somebody. I have no idea why or who, but you know somebody has a concern over this.

Makes me wonder if the farmers have some special knowledge on this deal. I mean as far as I know they are the ones who deal with cows the most.

Gee, I wonder if this now stuff applies to other brown animals and they just forgot to mention it. Yeah, that sort of makes sense though.

Otherwise you wouldn't be asking how now brown cow. Why shoot I bet they just keep forgetting to ask about the other brown animals. Probably them cows are the ring leaders of a bunch of brown animals.

So that would explain the how now brown cow part to some degree. Yep, they may think they can hide the truth from old Philo Milo Buttercream, but sooner or later I figure it out.

And I'm sure relieved to have managed to make some sense of this to a degree. That can be so hard at times. You just can't give up till you figure it all out.

Now all I got to do is figure out where all these brown cows hang up. Um, they are brown and I assume that means they are the ones that give the chocolate milk.

I wonder if they have to do anything special to give hot chocolate? Hey, I bet that is a big part of this whole thing.

Yeah, the person is probably asking something important like how now brown cow as in how now, chocolate milk or hot chocolate. Seems like a fair questions.

And I bet if you don't stress to hard you can find the answer soon enough. Not hard at all. Just got to know whether to melt that chocolate they eat first of make it get nice and hard in the fridge.

Only seems kind of pointless to me with this if you are going to give the chocolate to the cow and then expect to get it back in some other form. Sounds like another silly cow question.

I reckon they are all silly to some degree. I'll just keep smiling and hope for the best. And if that doesn't help, I'll see if I can find one of those farmers.

Perhaps while he is talking to his cow too. Yep, that would be the most sensible choice if you ask me.

COME ON NOW

Yeah, yeah, this is important, so pay attention darn it all. I'm just making sure you are paying attention.

There are times to go huh, others to shrug and not give a flip and then there are times to pay attention and listen. This is one of those times you need to pay attention. Honest. It is important.

Okay here is the deal. If you got to ask, "come on now," then you shouldn't be messing with whatever. It only makes sense that way.

We're talking about beyond stupid. That place where you end up scratching you head and just can't keep from saying huh?

Yeah, that place. You got to watch out for those times. Because if it sounds impossible it probably is.

Now if you need any help with that part, I'll be glad to explain it for you. See the main thing is that you has to be something that could happen. If it can never happen it is just plain dumb and stupid, then forget it.

For example, let's say that somebody is stressed out about something like the world coming to an end. You know you don't have to worry about that happening ever. They world is a big ball in space and there ain't no end for it to come too. So you never have to freak out on that part.

Whereas if somebody is talking about pigs flying, then you do have to worry. Because even though I don't know any pigs that can afford plane tickets, you never know for sure.

They might have to sit in first class I imagine. Probably wouldn't fit in coach seats. I wonder if they ever have movies just to cater for pigs. I got no idea though what kind of movie a pig would enjoy for sure.

In any case, I hope this helps for those who needed it explained. And from now on you can sit back and relax. Because you can always count on me to find the perfect stuff to explain so you don't have to worry about it.

I'm always willing to help people in that regard. Some wouldn't do it you understand. They would tell you to worry about everything regardless.

The way I figure on the pig thing unless you are in the flight path of some jet no problem. Course that is provide the pig ain't doing the driving. That is a different problem though. Have to deal with that later I guess.

When I have more time no doubt. Which makes me really wonder how come people seem to say I have way too much time on my hands.

CHUNKS OF

Ah, is there anything more glorious that chunks of something yummy? You know like big juicy junks of pepperoni and sausage on some pizza.

Course I have tried to get the pizza parlor to get more liberal in their ideas of what is a good chunk. If it were up to me I would include peanut butter and jelly beans, marshmallows and pretty much anything tasty that comes in a chunk.

I don't know why they get all bent out of shape on that part. Why even my buddy Otis who loves spam can't get them to cut him some slack on that one.

Believe me we went down to the pizza place and tried to get them to appreciate that reality. And the stupid jerk who works over there told us if it wasn't on the menu, then it they didn't offer it.

I asked him if there was like some chunk police or something out there that for some reason enforced laws on this thing? I mean can they come over and arrest you for unlawful chunking?

I won't mention his comment, but it wasn't that nice. But he won't say it again. He will have trouble saying much of anything with a whole pizza shoved in his mouth.

Let me tell you that gave him a whole different idea of chunks. He really doesn't have any way of commenting at this point.

Sort of left him speechless. Still didn't solve the chunk thing though. Had to take it a whole different direction.

Otis and I just end up buying our own chunks of whatever and putting it on the pizza. Why shoot we even took the time to you know, make sure we took our creation down to show that pizza jerk.

Wish I could say it helped. It didn't. That guy acted like we were crazy. And even after I introduced him to the taste of our chunk pizza it didn't improve his attitude

I think you just can't help some people. Like they say you can please some of the people all of the time and some of the people some of the time, but you can't please all the people all of the time.

And I even learned that it really applies to chunks. Because trust me that pizza dude was not please when I shoved those junks down his throat.

Hmmm, I wonder if would have felt different if I had said pretty please with sugar on top before I shoved it in face. I guess I will try and find out some other time when the cops remove that restraining order on me for trying to help that dude somehow see the chunk light.

Thought for the week: You got signs that say enter and those that say exit. How come you only find those on buildings? Seems like if it is that confusing for people they ought to stay home."

A WHOLE BUNCH OF

Let me tell you that having a whole bunch of whatever can be a good thing. If you are talking say a whole bunch of jelly beans. Or a whole bunch of say hamburgers or even money.

What isn't cool is if you are talking say a whole bunch of crap. No thanks, I will pass on that.

I sure can't get excited about that possibility. It would not make me do the happy dance. And I doubt it would for anyone else either.

But you know there are some really weird people out there at times that might thing a whole bunch of crap to be a good thing. There are some really strange people out there at times.

Which is why you really have to be careful when somebody talks on this subject that you know what the whole bunch is. Some people might you know, talk about it and not happen to mention they were talking about something weird like smelly socks.

Yeah, that can be so disgusting. Only some weird dudes might think it is a good thing. Not me.

Anyway, the whole reason I even bother to bring this deal up is because of the weird folks. The fact is that there are too many of them out there.

Yeah, they know who they are too. Really strange dudes. Only they never mention they are weird.

There are some very clever weird people who just enjoy acting goofy without letting you know they are goofy. Man does that suck.

Which is why I always make sure I don't let them get around to talking about this whole weird deal on whole bunches of whatever till I sort them out. That can take a while with some people.

Course there are times you get clues. Like say if they were their underwear on their head. That is a pretty good clue they got a problem.

Unless they are wearing a wig. They you can't be sure. And sometimes you can't tell if it is a wig.

Those are the worse situations. Some sneaky people just make sure they don't wear their underwear on their head if they think you will notice.

So they do it by waiting till they are alone. The only way you can tell is that they have this red mark on their forehead. And I don't mean from a suntan.

A MOMENT OF CLARITY

Like this really happens. Well not as far as I can tell. Oh I get those dudes how talk like suddenly they got binoculars for eyes or something, but I don't see it that way.

We got this one dude over at STINK who has these so called moments of clarity way too often. He'll be looking at the same thing we all see every day and suddenly it is some deep profound deal.

I just figured they used a different kind of furniture polish and the smell affected in brain and made it go weird. Yeah, that is the only answer I got for it.

Not I ask you does this guy have a problem or not? I sure think so. He's go into this weird mood lately where he has decided everything he sees means something else.

Like the table in our lunchroom. Man it is a table. What is there to say? You sit at it, put your junk on it and eat there. How much more do you expect from a stupid table?

A whole lot apparently. At least he does. Man he went on and on about how this beat up old table was some kind of symbol for life. It's a table. it doesn't breath, eat or even fart. How much life does a table have for crying out loud?

But if you listen to him, this table somehow is a message on the way each of us has a time of usefulness. How we serve a purpose and when it is done, you get replaced.

Was this something I needed to know? He thought so. Just like the time he bored the heck out of me with that stuff about vending machines being the center of the universe. Even I knew that was stupid. They aren't even in the center of the hallway!

But he tried to claim this darn vending machine was somehow an expression of energy that was a reflection of how life works. And thus it was somehow a good expression for the nature of reality and thus a valuable reflection of creation's possibilities.

At least I've learned my lesson and never use the bathroom when he's around. Let me tell you the one thing I don't need is to have this dude in there talking to the toilet like it is a person. I mean come on is that really sane?

He asks it permission to pee? And I hope he's not really expecting an answer. However, never wait around to find out.

I make sure I just let my kidneys work overtime in speed mode. And believe me there was no way I was going to listen to that conversation any longer than I had to.

Thank god our janitor Ramy Jarvis came in while I was there. At least with him being ninety-four you expect him to see things that aren't there. And the other good thing is when he is around that other dude, I don't have to listen. It is the little things that make life smile.

SNACK TIME

Ah, there is nothing more delightful at times that being able to snack on what is left of a spare rib or barbecued T-bone steak. There is just a special joy in nibbling off that last precious ounces of flesh and fat from some bone that might otherwise be regarded as ready for the trashcan.

If you are really lucky and you get the right piece the best taste in the world is some charcoaled slice of fat that has barbecue sauce still on it. Now that is really heaven.

Yep, I savor those tastes the most. And if you happen to get it when it has been in the refrigerator for a night even better. Cold just adds a special zing in my opinion.

Now if I'm really blessed I figure that I can find a bone with enough meat on it to still make a sandwich out of it. Oh man, there is no taste more satisfying, well providing you don't include jelly beans, than to have a sandwich of cold steak and tons of mayo. Ketchup has to be added you understand. That is so yummy.

But the best part is when you can do all of that without anybody hanging around. Which is a lot easier at home. I mean to really savor this kind of sandwich you got to gobble it big time.

That will end up with the mayo and ketchup smeared all over your face. That can be such a great feeling even though others look at you like you are weird.

I don't know, I try not to think about it. I just concentrate on you know doing what I can to remember having a full stomach.

If I really get lucky then I'm even able to put some cheese on the sandwich too. That really makes me smile.

And if I get like a gallon of milk to wash down the sandwich even better. Course then you can't drink all that milk without eating a few dozen cookies too.

That would be down right awful to consider. I know I would dare insult my tummy by doing that.

And the biggest challenge is making sure Otis always cooks up enough steak so we get plenty of leftovers. That can be tricky though. I mean the smell of barbecue can really make a person extra hungry.

But we are working that part out. I think we should manage eventually. Providing we don't end up messing up on our planning.

It's just so hard to figure how long to cook a whole side of beef. I know we are going to work it out. Have to see if we can get a whole truck load of charcoal. I wonder how much one of those semi trucks can hold anyway?

HOME IS WHERE THE FART IS

Okay, what kind of a maniac thinks a fart is a home. I heard somebody say something this saying in this movie once.

At least I think that is what he said. I was busy eating popcorn at the time and drinking lots of pop. So I ended up farting and belching at the same time when I heard them saying about the home thing.

I won't say I might have not misunderstood part of it. But I'm pretty sure a fart probably figured in there somewhere.

Because the one thing I do know is that farting and homes, especially if you are alone really go together. It is sort of safe option.

You get to stink the place up and nobody is there to complain. So you can just let it rip and feel good that it is nice and safe. Smelly, but oh so safe compared to having to cut one in a public place and find somebody to blame it on.

The home is so cool in that regard. At least providing you plans things right in the fart area.

Depending you know on factors like if you have anyone coming over soon. And also how good the can of air freshener you have works.

Because let me tell you if it don't work right and good enough, you can think up a good enough lie to cover over the facts of a really stinky air. Timing in that sense is everything.

Hopefully, you do know when you are going to have visitors. Because if they show up unexpectedly, you could be in big trouble.

And if it happens to be somebody like the Reverend Analbe you could be in a big trouble. With him, farting is a sin. At least he seems to act like it is.

So that last thing I want is to suddenly have some eye watering kind of fart and then have him knock on the door. Because if he smells it, he ends up telling God and that is even worse.

I really hate to think of having God's nostrils find out how much I can stink the place up. I'm sure he's got bigger things to worry about anyway.

Hopefully, he is busy when the Reverend Analbe is talking to him anyway. Hmmm, I wonder if God has an answer machine?

Well, I think from now on I'm going to be sure, I find out where the Reverend is when I'm in my apartment by myself.

HOME AGAIN.

Like this should really be any big deal? Home again is a good thing at times. But not all the time.

At least, when, for example, if you have something really important to do. Then home again can really suck big time.

Only problem is that none of those darn people who bring up this thing about home again don't seem to mention that part at all. Man, this business of home again, home again. Jeez, where's the sense in that? None to me, if you want my opinion.

And what the heck is a jiggity or a jig? Sounds discussing if you ask me. I mean the only jig I know about is the one that is up when the bad guys blow it. They never even mention what the stupid jig is. Only that it is up.

Makes me wonder why it is never down? Is that a bad thing? Well with the bad guys, that would be er, a good thing I guess? So down is actually good when you are talking bad guys. And up then is bad for some reason.

I reckon that makes sense to the bad guys. Which is the important part. Seeing how I'm part of the good guys, it doesn't make any sense to me.

But I'll tell you one thing, them jiggity things better not be hanging around my home when I get there. Actually, it says home and I live in apartment. So maybe that would confuse them a tad.

Yeah, then I would have a chance to be on the watch out for them. Whew! I like that idea.

Just wish I had some idea what the heck these darn jiggity things look like. And maybe the jig things too.

Boy you never imagine just going home could be such a pain. All that way and then having to worry about the risk of a sneak attack.

I wonder if there is somebody I can check with to make sure this doesn't happen. Shoot I bet there has to be some kind of government department that watches out for jiggitys and jigs?

Seems like there would be no problem finding out, which department handles that function. No doubt it would be under K somewhere.

Well that would rule out places like the CIA and FBI since they don't have any J's in their name. They do have an I in both of them. Guess there must be some big time I problems out there. Guess I won't worry about that one too much.

Leave that for the other folks to fret over. Oh yeah, that would be so cool to have one less thing to worry about.

TICKLE FIGHTS

What kind of nut case tries to fight by tickling people? Is that some kind of new form of self defense somebody is teaching? Never heard of that with any of those marshal arts. I guess it depends on whether I can ever find those marshal dudes with the weird names like Karate and Kung Fu. Sure are weird names for law officers if you ask me.

And if these guys are messing around with making tickling a way of defending yourself I sure hope they give you some bat or other weapon to use if it doesn't work out with the tickle thing. I mean some people ain't that ticklish.

Then you could be in big trouble you know. You could be standing there with some stupid feather and trying to make a big ugly dude laugh and then he pounds you into a pile of goo. Yeah, I would look forward to that.

I do have to wonder where they hold these classes to? I looked in the phone book under tickles, but they didn't have a listening.

I even called up one of those marshal arts studios and asked for the marshal dude in charge. But for some reason I kept getting disconnected.

The other thing that confuses me is I thought marshal had guns. What the heck do they need to get all involved with tickles if they got guns?

Seems like a silly option from my point of view. I would much prefer to have them show me how to use a gun for tickling. I don't imagine that would as hard to worry about fighting if you were shooting a gun.

Only problem is trying to tickle somebody with a gun could end up being messy. And that would sort of defeat the purpose of making it tickle.

But you know, when I see those marshal arts dudes they do some real weird stuff. Like breaking junk like bricks and boards with their hands and heads.

Personally, I can't imagine tickling would be all that cool if somebody hit me in the head and broke my whatever. That would really hurt1

But then I've never taken any time you know to actually check these places directly. Maybe one of these days I'll stop by and ask them about this tickle thing personally.

Hope that the head marshal dude is in when I visit. I'll probably try to do something to impress him.

I wonder what would do that best? Hmmm. Well I am talking about law officers. So I guess you need to do something related to the law. And ought to include feathers in it too.

Er, guess I would try putting some feathers in my beanie and then find a badge somewhere. I'd walk in and yell freeze. The cops say that a lot. Bet it would help.

BETTER NOW THAN NEVER

This is another of those to me deal where better ain't necessarily always better. I mean shoot, some things might seem better than never doing other junk, but you can't always say for sure.

Okay, like say going to get ice cream would be better than never jumping off a cliff I reckon. But that would sort of depend on if leaping off a cliff meant you landed in a sea of ice cream. See they don't mention that part.

Which comes under that idea of what they call I guess, thinking outside the box. That is a big deal you understand to some people.

They never mention for sure where you find this box though. So it kinds of makes it silly from my point of view to talk about thinking outside it since you are never actually inside it.

But apparently somebody think this box is pretty darn important in all of this. Like the whole better thing, it just kind of leaves me without it really making a lot of sense.

Still way too many people seem to be happy with this stuff. Kind of makes me wonder you know, how come stupidity and silliness somehow relate to this whole better and box thing?

The good deal to me is that they don't make all of us mess with this that way. And I'll tell you right now, the one thing I won't do is let anybody come around me toting a big box and expect to stuff me in it.

I know if they tried, I sure wouldn't sit still for it. And if they succeed, thinking is the one thing I would have a hard time doing.

But I would manage. Thinking perhaps only in terms of how long it would take to get out of the box.

And let me tell you when I found the jerk who tried to stuff me in that box, I would sure make him know my version of better. You could count on my never forgetting what counted in that regard.

For now, I'm just not going to let myself get trapped in any stupid situations. That way i can protect myself from any stupid better now stuff.

Sometimes you got to watch out for better nows if it means you have to worry about those dang box people. Which is the pits when you can even be sure who they are.

Well my solution is beat them now just in case. A better that works for me. As for others, well they can better there own way. With or without boxes I suppose. Just don't ask me to watch.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK: "Whoever said 'just do it' obviously never talked to the Reverend Analbe. He never believes in doing anything because doing is a sin or at least something fun."

BETTER THAN EVER

Now this is hard to believe. What could be better than always? Ain't that was ever is suppose to mean?

So how can you be better than some time that ain't even happen yet? You got some crystal ball lying around that nobody else knows about?

And you are able to check it so you see in it somewhere that right now you are better than you will ever be. Actually, that sounds kind of depressing I guess. I mean to think right now, you just peachy, but later your life is going to be pure crap.

Now that I think of it maybe that isn't such a cool thing. What if you saw yourself down the road suddenly purple and covered in warts? Yeah, that wouldn't be very cool.

Plus it could even be worse. Like you might see that time when say you cut one in say an elevator and some big dude punched your face in.

About the only good thing is if you could see that stuff so as to avoid it. That would work best.

But then that brings up the complication. If you see it and don't do it how could it still be seen?

Heck, gives me brain drain just to think of. Which is probably best if you just try not to think of those things.

Yeah, that is the best approach I think on this whole better than ever deal. At least from the point of view that better than ever means you are only going to get worse.

Then the good part is knowing for now your better. So if that gets you all jazzed then I reckon that is a good thing.

When you look at it that way, then now could be pretty cool. It could be a time for saying, "Hey, I'm the best I'm going to ever be."

Which is a good thing if you are you know really happy with being you. On the other hand it could suck be time if you didn't like the way your life was.

Which I reckon you could work on changing. But then if you did and it got better wouldn't that screw up the earlier part?

How come the jerks that come up with this stuff don't think it through better? Jeez, is that dumb or what?

What they need to do is come up with say, almost better than practically ever. Yeah, I think that makes sense. Hope they get their act together on that one.

WHATEVER IT TAKES

That whatever stuff can really get you in big trouble. There is too much whatever stuff out there.

Which is a big deal if you aren't sure what all is included in the whatever. That happens a lot to me.

It might not if I didn't have to cope with the whatevers I get from the likes of old rat boy, Junior Hemoglobin. His idea of whatever is from my point of view something totally devoted to driving others nuts.

It might not be so bad if he told you all the whatever he meant when he first brought it up. But he only starts out saying whatever and then later it gets absolutely stupid.

When I say stupid, I mean it too. After all, whatever ought to make some sense. Even with whatever you got to have some what that fits with the ever part.

But not with that clown. Jeez, when he says whatever, he means like anything in the whole wide world. Which is pretty darn big.

Now you would think even for a cheese addict he could stop hording cheese enough to figure that part out for himself. But NOOOO.

In any case, I'll just do my best to survive his stupidity. It ain't easy at times. When he gets on this whatever junk it makes things even worse.

See with him, he'll tell us to go and bag the griminals. That part is cool and makes sense. Then he tell us stuff like what all the things he expects us to do once we find them dudes.

That's when the stupid whatever starts. We'll ask him about some problems that his stupid assignment created. Like telling us to be somewhere at a given time and then not making sure we know how to get there.

When we point it out, he says whatever. Like that really is helping the situation. And if we try to get him to be more specific, he just uses that silly part about us being professionals and to use our own judgment.

That really is the part of his whatever that I really hate the most. However, Otis won't let me whatever that creep with my bat.

Personally, I think it would be one forever that would at least make me smile. But then just not having Junior ever say whatever would be cool enough.

Well, I keep hoping that one of these days I'll accidentally on purpose get a chance to use my bat to shut old Junior up on this thing. And if by chance Otis complains, then I can say whatever. I'm that seems fair. At least to me.

PICKY AND STICKY

Well, being picky can be a good thing I guess. No biggie from my point of view. There are times when you just got to say no. I've heard that mention as being important.

Which makes sense too. You got to say no to junk like when some jerk wants to you settle for crap that you don't have to settle for.

That's when you have the right to get picky and just say no to that kind of crap. Yeah! And if they don't listen, that is when you resort to other than words. A bat says no big time you know!

Only you have to be sure my buddy Otis isn't around at the time. He doesn't have much appreciation for that kind of saying no.

I even tried to get a ruling from him on you know not messing with him saying no when it applies to my saying no my way to rat boy Junior. He deserves that kind of no, all the time in my opinion. But Otis says no, which ain't the kind of no I like to hear.

I'm working on a way to take care of that problem though. That is where the sticky aspect comes in.

I call it making a diversion. What I do is make a mess, but I have to do it in a way that nobody actually can tell I did it. And that means no jelly beans naturally.

Anyway, I have to figure it in a way where Otis ends up having to clean it up and then while he's doing it, I can get my bat to say no to Junior. So far I haven't worked out a way to do this very well.

But I haven't given up on it. It is just a matter of timing. I have to figure stuff like making sure I have the junk to make a mess without Otis finding out about it.

That is a lot tougher than it sounds you know. I mean since he does all the shopping I can't ask him to pick up a bunch of crap for me.

Because if I do he ends up asking questions like what it is for. Then I would have to figure a good way of telling him some lame excuse so I didn't mention the real reason.

Nope that would never do. Even I know I couldn't get Otis to buy some stuff. Well, I know it better now.

I mean I wish I had appreciate that before telling him I wanted five gallons of syrup for a defense against any alien pancakes that might try to invade. Yeah, that worked really great.

But next time I know, I'll do better. Oh yeah, next time I'll tell him it is alien waffles. That ought to work.

IF NOT NOW, WHEN?

This is what I would like to know too. The when part is such pain to figure out on occasions. There is always some dufus running around talking about now, but never explaining then when part.

I always figured now, meant now. But sometimes I guess it doesn't. It is like there is this now that really isn't right now, just sort of a fake now.

That's is when the real when is really a problem. Because you always get those problems of people causing trouble by claiming a not now is really a now, now. And then they want you to do the other when thing by their idea of now.

Of course I never let those things interfere with my keeping straight when a really when will take place. That is the one thing I definitely am not going to let those knuckleheads with their false ideas of now tell me.

I sure hope explaining this makes a big difference for the rest of you. Because I sure don't want any of you getting messed up on this if we can avoid it.

Meanwhile, I think I'm going to be darn sure I find myself some reliable calendars that have all of this correct. Yeah, I don't want to risk any of these dudes messing with anybody else.

Naturally, I can't imagine that anybody is going to um let these jerks get away with this after I get done explaining it all correctly. Nope, it does me so proud to be able to sit back and relax and not worry about that part.

The one thing I do have to wonder though is whether or not everyone else will cooperate. That really is the important part.

Well, I imagine I can do that in due time. Just a matter of not confusing the now now and the then now with the when, when.

Yeah, so if you got trouble with all of those you just let me know. I'll be glad to explain it to you again if needed.

All you have to do is remember which when is a now when you might think it is really not a now. See that is easy enough right?

Okay so from now on I will just be so happy to know that everyone understands this as it was intended. In case you need more explanation.

I'm ready right now to give you the when part. Only you'll have to decide if your when part is as good as my when part.

Sometimes we just have to be able to see the forest for the trees. Not sure when though.

FRONT PAGE NEWS STORIES

Oh yeah this is cool. Only how come we never get to vote on what they decide should be on the page?

I mean if I'm going to take the time to read it shouldn't I have some say on what they put there? After all fair is fair. The least they could do is ask somebody what we would like to read.

Oh don't get me wrong. Those stories about disasters are interesting to read. And they do at times put other worthwhile junk.

I just get tired of seeing all these stories about places I'll never visit and then tell me stuff I probably don't even need to know. Like am I really suppose to get all jazzed about some crisis in another part of the world?

I don't mind helping you know. Like say if they got lots of problems and want somebody to take out the trash, heck I'm there. Well providing they do stuff like provide a lunch or something. That seems fair.

Otherwise what is the point of even telling me about it in the first place? Unless they just enjoy making you feel depressed.

Hey, if I want depressed, I'll just trot over to where I work at STINK and spend a few minutes talking to old rat boy, Junior Hemoglobin. He's real good at making you want to jump off a cliff.

Of course he'll be sure that if you happen to have any cheese you fork it over before you leap. Oh yeah, he's a real sweetheart he is.

The kind of wonderful dude who probably helps to decide the junk in the paper in the first place. And the fact they don't bother to put anything about cheese on the front page just tells me that Junior is probably involved. Leave it to him to be sneaky enough to not let anything be said about cheese so it would look like he's not involved.

Yep, that makes sense to me. And it would also be like that rat boy to figure out a plan like that. Then to be sure that all kinds of other stuff gets stuck in the paper to through you off track that he is somehow controlling what is being written.

Man, now I know why Otis and I can never get any decent grimefighter press. All this time I thought it was that creep report over at the paper who never would take to us no matter how big our story.

That dirty rotten Junior just has to be behind it. Heck, it makes all kinds of sense now. Boy I'm going to take care of this deal. I'm going to teach that crummy Junior a lesson big time. I know I'll stop buying the paper. Er, actually, I don't pay for it. Otis, does. Well I order a subscription and then cancel it.

DREAMS AND OTHER STUPID JUNK

What is the big deal about dreams and stuff like that with some people? They act like dreaming is the same as real stuff?

Personally, I have lots of cool dreams. But I don't go around expecting to see some hundred foot high banana split sitting on the street waiting for me to eat it up.

Nor would I think there were giant groups of alien marshmallows ready to invade earth and eating them is the only way to save the planet. I could wish it was true, but again I'm not out there expecting it.

But if you listen to some folks honestly they get really weird on this dream stuff. Like any old dream is just something that can happen if you just try hard enough.

At least if they want to knock themselves out trying to imagine goofy stuff like that fine with me. Just don't expect me to get all excited and somehow try to help you chase some stupid dream.

Well I reckon if say you had a dream that told you were to find a buried treasure of jelly beans I might listen. And if by chance they needed me to help and find it, I'd be willing to help them look.

Besides dreams what kind of frazzles me is when they talk about junk like passed lives stuff. Not really clear what all that involves. I'm guessing it probably has something to do with being at some point in your life where you had to take lots of tests and you passed them.

Personally, I would just prefer to forget having even taken any tests whether I passed them or not. Guess remembering passing them might be nice, but I don't think it would make a big difference in keeping me from getting stuck taking out the trash.

That is the part I don't get from this whole passed life deal. When I hear people talk about it they weird junk like how they are in some passed life somebody other than themselves.

As best as I can figure, they probably were dressed for some costume party. I guess they do have those at schools. Maybe it was like for Halloween or something.

Personally, I would be really pissed if somebody made me take a test on Halloween when I was dressed up in a cool costume. Give me candy, not a stupid test.

But I guess there are always some really weird teachers out there who don't see a cool holiday like Halloween as a time just for fun. And they are the same crazy dudes that probably expect you to remember junk like when year did the war of 1812 take place. I mean if they want me to remember stuff like that why can't they give me a date instead of telling me how many guys were in that war? Guess since I'm passed that life, I won't worry about it.

DECISIONS THAT AIN'T DECISIONS

Of all the decisions there are, these are the ones I hate the most. They suck the most. My opinion and that is what counts with this blog. I don't take votes on that part.

What I'm talking about in this case is junk where somebody says they have decided you need to do something a certain way and you are already doing it that way. I put this in the category of dumb and stupid crap you can't stomach, but have to put up with it anyway.

That doesn't mean I have to like it. And you can be sure I don't try pretend about it either.

Which I wish was true for my buddy, Otis. Now don't get me wrong. My pal is the best bud a guy could have. Only at times I wish he would stop taking all those darn nice pills.

Well, I suppose I wouldn't have him give them up all the time or completely. If it weren't for those darn nice pills then he wouldn't be such a sucker or push over about making sure I got jelly beans when I wanted them.

So that leaves me in one of those quandary things. That is when you know you have to make a really sucky type of decision.

I have to choose between having my buddy get less nice pills so he can use his brain to think up some really cool lie or excuse to get us out of coping with dumb and stupid decision or getting less jelly beans. And let me tell you for a guy like me those are not good choices.

I mean having to put up with the dumb and stupid decision people is enough to make me puke at times. And let me tell you I sure don't mind getting a break from them.

But that is where I have to get concerned. Now I suppose I could figure a way to say stock up big time on jelly beans first. Then if Otis didn't take his nice pills I could manage I bet.

Only problem is that the last time I tried saving up jelly beans I ended up stuffing myself to the point I nearly passed out from the sugar rush. At least I think I didn't pass out. It is hard to remember for sure.

Anyway, no sense risking that again I figure. Don't see any value you know in taking any chances. I hate eating and enjoy jelly beans and then can't remember it. Seems like a real waste.

So for now, I'll just reckon, I'll let Otis keep his nice pills. Then I can sit back and work more on the dumb and stupid decision make people who really aren't making a decision. Yeah, that will definitely be worth doing. Gonna be sure I get plenty of jelly beans for a good think too.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK: "Why do they call it sponge cake if you can't use it as a sponge to clean up anything?

DECISIONS, DECISIONS

I reckon one of these days I'll get over this whole decision thing. Probably when I have a chance to stop having people make me deal with stupid decisions.

The way I see it is if you want to make a decision for yourself, no big deal. But if you expect me to be happy making me do crap just because you want it done that way, do not expect me to do the happy dance.

I think what makes me the most crazy is when the person has to make a decision and can't make up their mind. Jeez, makes me want to strangle them.

But my buddy Otis sort of gets upset about that approach. Hey, I always stop when they black out. So I wish he would cut me some slack on that subject.

However, he just likes to be what he calls patient. Which to me is standing there and smiling while some yo-yo mumbles over whether or not to make a given choice.

I wouldn't mind you know if they just did that on their own, but they always expect us to stand there looking stupid like we don't have anything better to do. And the real pisser is they don't even care.

You can't look at your watch a million times, mention how much you have to do and they still will pick their nose and act like you have all the time in the world. Which again to me is a situation that merits strangling the rat.

I would even settle for you know just getting a chance to whack them a few times till they got off their duff and make a stupid decision. But once again my buddy, who I do get stressed during certain times to still call my buddy, says no to that too.

He wants us to do what he calls reason together. I don't care how much so called reasoning you want to do. If you don't end up getting some jerk to make up his mind it is a waste of time.

My way is so much quicker. You get the satisfaction of solving the pain in the butt part without wasting a lot of time.

However, it really bugs me that I fail to get Otis to appreciate that form of reasoning. He just says violence never solves anything.

And I keep trying to explain to him the reason it never solves anything is because he never gives me a chance to prove otherwise. I mean I'm not talking about big time violence, just you know, enough to get the message across.

I know, perhaps if I come up with a bashing quota. Yeah, that's it, I just have to let him see I can handle this thing is a way that involves reasoning. Which comes down to me figuring out the best reason to give him for bashing that jerk. I'll work on it.

COMMAND DECISIONS

To me there really isn't that much different between these and executive decisions. Other than with command decisions they always end up with do this or else!

And unlike the executive type, some times these come from really big dudes with no neck or sense of humor. That doesn't improve the good part of them.

Unless you like the choice of either being beaten senseless or doing what somebody says. It's not exactly my idea of a cool form of decision.

Now the tough part is where no matter what happens you know you are going to end up with a headache. Like when they make us go on sewer patrol. You just know that even if you don't get clobbered in the head by somebody's command decision bat or whatever, the smell will give you a headache.

That ain't my idea of a command anything good decision. It just plain sucks. And I'm glad those darn no neck dudes don't bug me that much.

Which is managed by making sure I do what I can to find some place convenient to do chores whenever I get wind of them considering this option. I just wish I never slipped and missed out on the warning.

But that is one of the things you live with. I do my best to avoid thinking about it too much. It just makes me nuts.

I did learn one thing through all of this. Never trust if somebody claims they have a map to help you hide from the command decisions dude.

Oh I got suckered in on that one admittedly. And boy did I learn my lessons. Those darn rats try to convince me that they had this map that showed you this place that was invisible to others so you could hide there and nobody could find you.

I paid them for the map, but didn't actually get a chance to use it. I ended up getting busy and not actually having time to try and check it out.

The thing was they also sold the same map to several other grimefighters. Only I didn't find out tell later.

And boy was I glad I didn't get to join them. Turns out that this darn jerks made up this thing where they told you that you couldn't get inside the invisible place unless you were wearing only your birthday suit.

Well, I sure wouldn't have been thrilled by that choice. And what made it worse was this supposed hiding place was located in this park. Behind some trees. At least that is what they claimed.

But the cops that found them hardly were in a mood to listen. They let the shrinks the guys have to see now do that.

EXECUTIVE DECISIONS

The one thing I don't want to hear about is executive decisions. Because they are dumb and stupid if you ask me.

Well I'm sorry, but that is how I feel. I might feel different if it wasn't for having to deal with the people called executives over where I work at STINK.

Actually, I should say it is mainly that old Rat Boy, Junior Hemoglobin that bugs me. He is supposedly an executive. Only his idea of making decisions is something that always gives the rest of us more work to do and him more time to goof off.

Even that I wouldn't mind so much, but I really hate how he gives us such lame crap to do. I'm not talking important stuff.

Why just last week he had us take this one diaper service van down to this one intersection and make sure the brakes still worked okay. Then he said while we were there to go to the one store and pick him up a big case of cheese. Jeez, talk about being silly.

And that was one of his better options. So I hope you can appreciate how this whole executive decision thing hardly gives me much reason to smile.

I reckon if once and a while it was for really important stuff, I could handle it. That might happen some day. My buddy Otis says it would be something he expects.

Only my buddy kind of gets weird on stuff like this. He ends up spending all this time trying to give me what he calls a philosophical approach on the thing.

Which to me doesn't help much since we still get stuck doing the same thing. So having him try to tell me that it will get better never helps.

And even when I remind him of that it doesn't keep him from rambling on and on about trying to embrace the big picture. Frankly I just want to find that big picture and hit old Rat Boy over the head with it.

Only dang it all, Otis has this stupid rule about no bashing Junior. And that goes for even if he wasn't an executive.

So I just ended up trying to be sure whenever possible that I know old Rat Boy is going to dole out some crap assignment that I am already busy. I just make sure I go over to his dad, our real boss and try to see if he needs any special help.

Sometimes I got to pretend to be interested in junk that I think is down right boring. But at least it keeps Junior from making some lame executive decision.

I do try to not grin when I have to tell him that I'm doing something for his dad. That is one executive decision that really makes him less than executive.

TRIPS, SIPS AND FLIPS

I think car trips can be lots of fun. Oh I ain't talking about stuff like you know going to the grocery store. That doesn't count as a trip to me.

My buddy Otis does though. See he can be such a picky dude on stuff like that. I really hate when he does that.

See to me it don't count unless for starters it is long enough that you have to stop to fill up. And for me I don't mean for gas.

Oh you do have to go to a gas station. Um pardon me, that is what you call a convenience store these days. Yeah the places that makes it so darn convenient to get all kinds of crap besides gas.

So to me that really is a major deal in terms of what I call a trip. I need something to sip that gives my tummy cause to do some flips.

And I'm sorry, going to the grocery store just ain't the same. Oh it is true that you can find plenty of good crap there. No question about it, but it just isn't as convenient as say those gas fill up places.

For one thing in grocery stores they ain't got the usual group of cool soda fountain drinks. Oh you can get those six pack or liter bottles, but not in a nice big cup full of pop and ice.

Plus they always have all those wonderful hot snacks like burgers and hot dogs and tons of condiments. It is just such a cool place to visit.

Now I did try to do that at the grocery store once. And let me tell you they sure weren't very convenient about it.

I thought if I was paying for it then what was the big deal. So I opened up a package of hot dogs and condiments and buns. Then you know I had to have a drink. So I got some ice and found a cup and some pop. Plus you can't have a decent hot dog feast without some chips and candy bars and also donuts, cake and other stuff.

Well shoot I thought I was doing a pretty snazzy job of making the best of this situation. There I was sitting in the aisle on a couple of cases of dog food having a good time when this manager came up and looked really pissed.

I mean I don't know what the big deal is. There ain't no signs anywhere that say you have to take the food home to eat it. Shoot I even offered to share.

Okay, so I did sort of get carried away with the ketchup. Heck, anyone can miss a hot dog due to bad aiming. And just because it did squirt all over two aisles that does mean he had to freak out over it.

Well i do agree accidentally squirting him with ketchup while explaining might not have been a gone option. But I really don't think he needed to toss me out of the store. Oh well, there are other stores I can go to anyway. Done it before.

HEAD IN THE CLOUDS

Oh my god does this sound scary. I mean I can only imagine how this happens. Yeah, I bet it is some dude on a jet who decides to open a window. Man talk about stupid.

I would think somebody would be smart enough to know you aren't suppose to open the window on a jet when you are flying up in the sky. What kind of lunatic would do that?

I mean clouds are cool and all, but do you really want them sucked into a plane? Is this a good thing that I just never heard of for some reason.

Now I realize that flying can be rather scary for some people. But I don't think fogging an air plane up is necessarily going to help the problem.

I know they do have things you could do instead, like not flying. That would be my advice.

It sure would be a whole lot more far to the other passengers you know. I would hate to be sitting there enjoying watching some movie and then it gets all foggy. That sure would suck from my point of view.

Even worse would be if you were there and eating a meal. I sure wouldn't enjoy suddenly not being able to see my plate. This would be a good thing?

Not from where I'm sitting. Which I admit is not on a plane thank goodness. Because I sure don't want to ride on any stupid plane next to some clown who is going to spend his whole time eyeing the window and figuring out the best time to open it.

I do admit that perhaps it might have been a cool thing if you know some dude has to fart he would open a window. I would hope he or she would at least have the good taste to head over to the bathroom and do that kind of thing there.

I realize that when the body calls you have to answer it. Just hope that the person is decent enough to try at least and make it to the bathroom.

However, I know there are those darn stinkers out there that are plain uncaring about other people's nostrils. Shoot some jerks just enjoy it.

Now for those guys, I would just as soon open the window myself to throw them out of it. I could manage to enjoy that part.

Only you know people are kind of picky about stuff like that. I mean fart or no fart the just don't seem to appreciate the idea of you taking matters into your own hands.

I guess I can't blame them. I mean there is that problem of having some jerk tossed out of window end up landing on somebody on the ground. Yeah, I wouldn't like much self and especially if there had just farted.

WITH YOUR PERMISSION

Do I need to hear this? I hear some guy say this at work, but you know it sure doesn't seem to me like they really are asking for my permission.

That is because most of the time they end up asking me that AFTER they already did something. It is more like, hey dufus, you're too stupid anyway so I'm just going to do this first and tell you because you are too much of a knucklehead to do it otherwise.

Yeah, that always makes me happy. And I sure enjoy their thoughtfulness. Boy let me tell you I do manage to express my thoughtfulness too.

Sometimes with the help of a little act without their permission. Well actually, I just ask for it AFTER I bash them.

And you know what, when they are lying there unconscious they never once complain either. It just cuts down on the problems of permission from my point of view.

Now I'm not wanting to claim I do that every time. Sometimes I don't have my trusty bat available. That always requires option B.

Which for me is generally whatever works as good as a bat. There are lots of options you understand.

I do wish at times that wasn't the only way I had to deal with such situations. On occasions somebody really weird person will honestly ask my permission before doing something.

I got to admit it is kind of rare and the person is sort of strange in that regard. So I try to at least show them I appreciate the effort.

Naturally it is hard to do that at times in a way that really says your alright buddy. I'm working on better ways than simply letting them know how nice it was I didn't have to bash them.

Somehow they just never seem to look at that in a positive way. Seems kind of unfortunate from my point of view.

After all, I thought it was pretty nice of me to not clobber them. You would think they would have a better way to saying thanks for the thought.

Guess you can't please everyone. You know with some people they would complain no matter what you did.

Course the complainers naturally deserve a beating with or without permission. I don't even bother to ask. Saves time when I just can ask them when they wake up, which normally doesn't matter as much since they can't remember much anyway.

BUG SPRAY

I don't know who came up with this idea, but personally, I think they were sick in the head. Who in the world needs a spray made from bugs?

What in the world good is it for anyway? I'm not sure I want to know. I realize that there are all kinds of people out there and so many have different ideas of what is cool.

So I'm a happening enough kind of person to say, "Alright, different soaks for different folks." At least I think that is the way it works. Strokes, soaks, it has something to do with some kind of weird touching.

But I don't think I would prefer to you know, be given too many details on the bug spray. I just think having them explain how they smash up all those bugs and then pour that juice into the can would do it for me.

However, it must really make some happy. After all if it didn't they wouldn't have bug spray in grocery stores.

I really hate to think of what they spray that bug stuff on that they give you to eat. I know I wouldn't care to find out for myself.

Nope, they can have it for themselves. And whatever they do with it is up to them. Course I can't help wondering you understand.

It does kind of make me a little curious. I'm thinking that perhaps it works good with something like say a casserole. You can put all kinds of crude in one of those and it is no big deal.

At least as long as you don't tell anyone. Ketchup and sauce can pretty much hide anything disgusting.

But like I said, that is one of those things I just wouldn't prefer to know myself. Why over at STINK the cook is always fixing these casseroles.

For the most part we have a don't ask, don't tell policy. We don't ask and he doesn't tell what is in the casserole.

As long as it doesn't have any special weird lumps or thinks moving, then I'm cool. You know it just occurred to me that I never have checked to see if he has any bug spray in the kitchen.

Um, I think if I go over there and do see some, I'll make darn sure he eats some of the casserole first. If he won't then I'll see if we can sucker into eating it first.

With Junior he wouldn't care anyway. When it comes to food as long as it has cheese in it he doesn't care. Hmmm, I wonder if the bug spray has cheese in it?

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK: "I hear people talk needing prove as to if there is an afterlife. Only they never mention after what? I assume they mean the weekend or retirement. But what kind of complete boring person can't even tell when it is a weekend?"

KINDLY REMOVE YOUR

What's so kindly about bossing people around? That's what I would like to know. It don't seem that qualifies from my point of view.

I was over at this museum the other day. I had to drop off this delivery for my boss, Dr. Hemoglobin. He thought they would enjoy having this old gadget he had lying in a closet that didn't work any more.

I'm not even sure what thing did when it did work, but I understood somebody told him that if you give it to a museum you can claim it as a tax deduction. So he figured giving it to them was better than just letting it sit in a closet.

Well they had this one room that was kind of devoted to you know some dead dudes. Which is very thoughtful I guess. Not sure the dead dude knew about it. I mean as in when they were alive.

At least I had no way of knowing if the person knew about it while they were still alive. Course you know that one guy they talked about had been real famous for fighting fires and stuff and I guess fought one fire too many or something. That part was a little vague. I just could till he didn't die in his bed.

Anyway, I guess it would be kind of tough to be talking about how great this guy had been if getting turned into ashes was part of what made him famous. I doubt he would have thought at that moment it was worth it. Not that I had a chance to ask him.

Well the thing was, when you entered this room they had this sign that said kindly remove your hat. Not sure why they needed it. Is wearing a hat supposedly going to upset the dead dudes?

So there I was standing there after I made my delivery and just enjoying the cool of that room. Kind of looking around and a little confused since I really didn't know any of these guys.

Then this big security guard came up to me and got all upset for not removing my beanie. Now I pointed out to him that the sign said hats and didn't mention a word about beanies.

But he didn't see it that way. He said a beanie was the same as a hat. Even though I insisted if they meant beanies they would have mentioned it. Since they didn't then it shouldn't count.

Well he sure didn't like that answer. And then I pointed out how he was wearing a guard's hat. And he claimed that was different since it was part of his uniform.

I tried to explain how my beanie was part of my uniform as a grimefighter, but he sure wasn't in a mood to listen. Sure glad I managed to leave before things got too bad. And I sure after that guard woke up when I used that statue to bash him to end the argument he thought different about hats. Hope so at least.