BEG, BORROW AND KNEEL

I tell you one thing, if you do any begging or borrowing without telling the person you are doing either, you probably will need to do some serious time kneeling. That is kind of a good rule. Begging and borrowing are only cool when the person you are begging or borrowing from knows about it.

Otherwise there is this stupid law that says you are guilty of stealing. Hey, it is my fault the person is gone when I need whatever I need from them?

You try explaining that to some big cop with no sense of humor. And maybe he will let you finish explaining before he decides to use his nightstick to do his talking or have yo measured for a handcuff bracelet.

At least I guess I'm grateful when they don't end up deciding to use their gun to deal with the problem. Having your body left filled with bullet holes is not a good way to start the day or end it for that matter.

That is why when it comes to this business of begging or borrowing I have sort of tried to keep it simple. No doing either unless the person knows about it.

Which can get even more complicated at times. Because you can end up with a situation where you have somebody that forget stuff.

And if you call them on the phone and they say, "Oh yeah, no problem, come and get it." That is great if they remember.

Which is really a mess if you decide to go over there and the person isn't home and then forgot to leave a key. So you figure a way to get into the house and then the next thing you know the cops happen to show up because the darn alarm went off.

Man it really sucks when you are standing there holding say a television you were told it was okay to borrow and the person isn't home. Then when you try to explain it to the cops and they call the person the say they can't remember. Talk about a major headache.

You can bet it will lead to a major headache if that cops decides that you were fibbing even if you weren't. By the time you get through kneeling and trying to explain it can all be for no good.

About the only good you get out if is when they knock you unconscious if you were on your knees you don't have quite as far to fall to the ground. It just sort of makes the falling part less of a problem.

So kneeling can be a good thing. It isn't as good as having the person tell the cop that everything is okay. Wish that happen more often.

But it really bugs me when I ask somebody to borrow something and a year later when I go to get it they tell the cops they can't remember. That can be painful in more ways than one.

PISSING AND MOANING

Is this really a big problem? I normally don't have a reason to complain about having a chance to go to the bathroom.

But I reckon there just is no pleasing some people. Because I overheard these people complaining about these other people spending all their time pissing and moaning. Which I guess is sort of a personal problem.

I know it can be a real pain using some bathroom where the last dude didn't bother to flush the toilet. Let me tell you that is so disgusting. But I'm not sure that it means you should spend your time moaning over it.

Actually, I'm not very sure what you should do. I reckon there is something you can do to express yourself, just not sure what.

I also know there are some people you can't please no matter what. They will always gripe regardless of the situation.

So I suppose no matter what you did somebody is going to stand there or sit there and do some moaning while taking care of business. I'm just not sure what you would really be complaining about?

Does make me wonder. I reckon you do have to be kind of creative to even find a reason to complain about taking a leak. Not sure I would find the complain all that worth listening to, but I suppose it works for that person.

As for me, well shoot, I think I would be happy to give my kidneys a break. Because from my view there ain't a whole lot good about them being unable.

And if anyone had reason to do any serious pissing and moaning, I'm sure a person's kidneys would be far more happy in their right to complain that the rest of our body. But then I can imagine kidneys aren't really known for doing a whole lot of talking. Shoot I think I would be more than a little stress out if they did.

In the meantime, I do wonder if any of those complaint departments are set up for that kind of complaint? Seems like a fair question.

However, I'm not sure what you would put on a complaint form. Guess you could figure it out someway, but I can't say I would want to be the one who read the darn thing.

Well, for now, I don't think I want to be in the group doing any pissing and moaning. I don't know, but kind of think people who tend to think you are really strange if you were standing there taking a leak and talking to yourself. Who needs those kinds of stares? I think I'll pass, thank you very much.

As for the rest of the human race, if pissing and moaning makes you happy, go for it Just don't ask me to listen.

THE INS AND OUTS

I suppose that this is a good thing to somebody. I hear it over when I visit some pals of mine who are always talking about the ins and outs of whatever. It is like you have to have them or the thing isn't important.

Only they never say if these things have doors or what. Does end up making me wonder. And that always causes me to think real hard on something.

Now as I figure it in order for there to be an in and out to something then you need to be able to enter and to leave. Otherwise you could really have an in or an out.

At least that is the way I figure it. However it is just hard to figure how you can necessarily have an in and out so to something like say selling whatever.

But supposedly they do because I heard my one buddy talking about learning the ins and outs to selling these one things he tried to sell. I think they were some kind of vacuum cleaners.

Then with them since he sold them door to door as he explained it I guess the in and out wouldn't have been that hard to understand. What I'm not clear about is if he had to you know sell the door and vacuum with it or did he just sold them separately. I mean I'm sure not everyone needed a door. Well they probably didn't need vacuums either.

But I guess if you didn't have a door it would mean the wind would blow all kinds of dirt into your house so you would need a vacuum to get it clean up. So you have the in of putting the door up and taking the vacuum in the house. Then the out part would be about taking out all the dirt you sucked up with the vacuum.

I just wonder what stuff there was that you needed to learn on this deal that seems kind of simply. Maybe you had to learn how to be sure if the door swung the right way. Like in instead of out.

Still, that don't seem to be something that would take a long time to understand. However, I do know that not everyone figures out stuff the same way. So maybe somebody needs it all explained more than others.

As for me, well at the moment I'm not shopping for either a vacuum or door. I could use some more jelly beans.

Those I don't need to learn the ins and outs about. That part is easy. You go in the store and then you out the jelly beans by putting them in your mouth.

Anyway, I reckon there will always be a reason somebody decides they need to complicate this whole process. And that is okay by me as long as they don't bother me with it. Sometimes you just got to know when to say no. I imagine that can apply to ins and outs too.

CHEERLEADERS

How come cheerleaders always got to make you cheer? Can't they like do something else with their time? And what is the deal with those dang pom-pom things? Are we supposed to believe that you can't be happy unless you are holding onto them? Makes me wonder, you know.

Plus they only seem to hang around sports a lot. You never see them at funerals. Guess that isn't a time you would sort of expect people to want to be cheery. But then since nobody ever tried how do we know for sure. I could kind of imagine some cheerleaders getting up and shouting, "Give me a D. Give me an E. Give me an A...." Then at the end asking, "What's that spell?"

Course we all know what it spells and who knows perhaps it might make the undertaker smile a little. Hey, don't they have the right to a little joy as much as the next person? Seems far.

But I reckon you just won't get most people to agree. There are so many darn people out there with no sense of humor.

After all, a funeral is kind of a sad time so would it make sense people need to be cheered up more when they are said? That was my feeling.

And I even tossed that idea out at work to my boss Dr. Hemoglobin. But he never gave me an answer to whether it was worth getting some cheerleaders and giving a try.

Right after I told him my idea he suddenly had to run off to some meeting. Well, first his face kind of got red as he tugged at his collar and seemed to have a little trouble talking. Maybe he had a cold. I have noticed he seems to get those a lot when we talk for some reason. Guess he might need a check up.

In the meantime, I thought I would perhaps help him out by getting some more information on this thing. I found a place where I thing you can get some pom-poms.

Actually, I believe they make stuff like party balloons. But I reckon they probably have some stuff in back for whipping up a few pom-poms.

Not sure what would be the best color though when you are talking about rooting for dead people. Black just seems to obvious if you know what I mean.

Yeah, maybe they ought to be made a color that would really liven things up. Perhaps a nice bright orange or pink. Shoot you could even get the cheerleaders to dye their hair to match the pom-poms.

Well, I think the next thing I ought to do is stop by some funeral home and see how the undertaker likes me idea. I'm sure that he will like it better in person. I did try calling, but for some reason I kept getting disconnected on the phone.

SUCKING IT UP

I love doing this. That is when our vacuum is working right. Sometimes the darn bag gets too full and then it won't work till you dump the bag. I wish they had a way to fix that problem. But other than that I just love the hum of that vacuum when I'm chasing down all those dust bunnies. It gives me chills of joy all over to do my part to rid the world of dust in my own apartment. Makes being a grimefighter seem more real I guess.

Anyway, I never gave a lot of thought to the idea of how much people in the military apparently have a deal about vacuuming. I was watching this movie the other day where they had these soldiers going through what they called basic training. Not sure what you need to get trained for on the subject of basic, but all I know is with these soldier dudes it meant a lot of sweating and marching and junk like that.

And then in the middle of this one part where those guys who they call privates, which I got no idea why since they did everything publicly, where told by this guy with stripes who yelled a lot to 'suck it up.' Well all I can say is that guy might have made it easier if he had at least once handed them a vacuum. But I never saw any vacuum.

Plus they could have really used one. I mean they had all these bombs exploding and making one heck of a mess. If there was ever a place that could have benefited from a vacuum of some kind it was this place.

So I can only assume when he was doing all that "sucking it up" yelling somewhere he kept a whole bunch of vacuums and plan on letting them use them later. Not sure quite how good they would have worked out there with all the trees and junk seeing how they didn't have any electrical outlets anywhere, but I guess he kept plenty of extension cords somewhere.

Boy I got to give them soldiers credit too. I can't imagine trying to vacuum while shooting a rifle with one hand and also taking time to duck when somebody was shooting back.

Makes me wonder if all the armies operate that way. I guess that world work. Maybe it is a good thing. I heard them talking about what they called the Military Industrial Complex. That sure sounds awful big. And what with having both army and a bunch of factories is bound to create some kind of mess.

I wonder who the poor guy is that has to clean it up. I bet it has to be one of those privates who really isn't all that private. Probably was what they meant by "KP." I'm assuming the K was meant to stand for 'klean.' Yeah, they probably thought they were being clever by making it klean private or something.

Well, I don't mind vacuum, but I sure wouldn't want any part of that KP thing. Heck, it is enough of a hassle just cleaning up my own mess who wants to clean up somebody else's mess too? Plus when you got all those army dudes and factory workers running around I can imagine that would leave some really dirty rest rooms, not to mention a few clogged toilets.

WHO'S WHO

This sure is a dumb thing if you ask me. I mean who are you, but you. Is this a hard thing to figure out?

I guess it is for some people. Jeez, they got this thing call a who's who. It is some book as I understand it and they put a lot of people in it and tell about them.

What happen did these people run out of mirrors or something? Or do they have serious cases of amnesia?

You sure got to wonder if they need a book to look at themselves and know who they are suppose to be. Boy, talk about people having an identity crisis. You really are in big trouble if you have to keep this book around just be sure who you are.

It makes me wonder if there are like people running around who sell these books trying to confuse people and make them unsure of who they are. Yeah, that sounds like the kind of lame idea some people would pull.

Then once they got you all confused and junk they toss out the idea of buying this book so you can be sure of who you really are. What a bunch of lousy creeps that would do a mean thing like tha.

All I know is nobody is going to pull that stuff with me. I ain't going to buy it. I know who I am. I got a beanie with my name on it that I can look at any time I want to be sure it is still me.

Why my buddy Otis even helps me out. He wrote my name on all my underwear so i wouldn't forget they are mine too.

I call that being a thoughtful bud. He's the kind of dude who you can always rely on to be sure you don't forget who you are.

And thanks to him I also know how I'm more than just me too. See he explained all about how we once were this little bugs and then grew up eventually to become who we are now.

Those bugs were really smart and knew way back when how Spam was the only thing that would make you become who you are suppose to be. So that is why he always eats lot of Spam so he won't forget.

But he says putting my name on my underwear is good enough for me as long as he's around to remind me and as long as he keeps eating Spam to remind him. So I guess it all works out cool in the end.

Now all I have to do is make sure the ink with my name on my underwear does wear off when it gets wash at the same time my buddy would happen to run out of Spam. Then I might be in big trouble.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK: "How come there are dentist who remove teeth for tooth decay, but if your brain rots your stuck with the rotting part?"

TOP TEN LISTS

How come good stuff only comes in list of ten? Can't there be more than ten good things with some subjects that could be listed? I do wonder.

Ten is a good number. I will admit that. But what if there are like a bazillion of something, ten just seems like small number.

Plus who makes up these lists anyway? Is it something you can go to school to learn? I think if you can get an education in this they ought to at least tell more people about it.

The other thing I was wondering about is how come if this list thing is so important the don't do it for stuff that ought to really count. I've never seen a top ten list for grimefighting. You can be if they did, I'd be on it somewhere.

And I don't recall there being a top ten list for the most yummy jelly beans either. Who forgot to make up one for something as cool as that.

Well I decided that perhaps if nobody else is going to do it right, maybe I'll make up my own top ten lists. You know the really important junk that we would like to know for sure there are even ten of.

Like say, the top ten farters on the planet. Now tell me you wouldn't benefit from learning that fact.

After all if you knew that you would know who to avoid hanging around, especially if they had just finished a big bowl of beans. I think that would be really helpful. Kind of public service.

Shoot you could even post the list somewhere like elevators. Maybe include pictures. That way if you got ready to get on the elevator and saw one of those people on the list you could spare your nose the risk of being attacked by farts.

Heck, that would just be the beginning. Another cool list might be the top ten tummies most likely to barf on a rollercoaster. Oh yeah, now you got to admit knowing that would be a very helpful thing.

But I reckon it might take a while before I'm able to get those lists prepared. I suppose I'll have to spend a lot of time hanging around elevators and roller coasters.

Oh I'm willing to make the sacrifice. Yeah, I don't mind hanging around such places if it means I can come up with a real practical list.

I'll just have to make sure that along the way I don't see anybody making up their own lists. Because I have from time to time be known to cut the cheese. I just don't particularly care to be on the top ten list. There are some things you just can't really impress by being famous for.

BEST DRESSED

Something tells me this is a bunch of baloney. I saw this article in the paper where they had the best dressed list for the whole year. I'm sorry, but if being best dressed means you got to wear the same outfit for a whole year you can count me out. You surely would have to take it off at least once and a while to wash it, but they didn't mention it that way in that article. There is no way you would catch me dressing up in some stupid monkey suit and definitely no dress I don't care how much somebody thought it was cool.

Plus I wonder what kind of prize do you get for even being on this list anyway? I sure hope it is a life time supply of soap because after wearing the same outfit all year you are going to need it.

I also wonder how do they know if you never take the darn thing off. God I hope they don't like follow you around all the time. Jeez, what if they hide under you bed? That would be terrible. And there ain't no way anybody is joining me in my bathroom I don't care how big a prize they give you. There are just some things you need to do by yourself if you know what I mean.

Apparently though this is a big deal to some people. But you know I bet if they made up list of the best smelling none of those best dressed folks would be on it. However, I haven't noticed any worse smelling list so I reckon it people are on that list they are keeping it a secret. I know I would.

What also bugs me is how they don't even give you any options on what qualifies as best dressed. Seems like the least they could do is give you a few options.

Personally, I think they are definitely unfair to anyone who wears a beanie. Because I have never seen any of those best dressed people wearing one.

It makes me think that it is some kind of plot. Yeah, I bet they got together and heard about how this super hero dude, meaning me, was out saving the world from grime and all and got jealous.

I can sort of appreciate how that could happen. After all not everyone can be a super hero and get a chance to wear a beanie as part of his outfit. Makes me feel kind of sad for those folks having to live such deprived lives.

So I'll try to understand how they might have a little bit of problem coping with such competition. It is just a shame I can't talk to them. Shoot getting an endorsement from a super hero might be a good thing.

That is providing they didn't try to cram me into one of those darn tuxedoes. I might consider it though if the prize involved plenty of jelly beans. However, I would expect them to let me keep wearing my red sneakers no matter what.

I figure you got to draw the line on this fashion thing somewhere. Otherwise before you know it they could make you wear ties and that would definitely be less than excitement from my view.

WHEN BEING FAIR ISN'T FAIR

The other day my boss, Dr. Hemoglobin got on this kick about being fair. Personally, I did know it was important when you spend time beating up creeps who love filth and grime. But he seems to think so.

I got to admit I really had difficulty making sense of his whole deal on this. I mean fair ought to be fair in all the right ways. By that I mean the griminals ought to work more on being fair and not making a mess so much. Then we wouldn't have to bash them in the first place. I'd consider that to be fair. Well easier at least.

I understand what got him hung up on this part was from watching some television show about police arresting bad guys. Apparently when they do this they have to read them something called the Miranda Act, which has to do with rights.

It doesn't mention lefts so I'm not sure if there is a different set of things to read somebody who is left handed. Guess I would have to worry about it in the event I ran into a bad guy who was left-handed.

Anyway, supposedly before you beat the snot out of the bad guy you have to first mention this dude Miranda. That sure sounds kind of weird to me. I just have a hard time understanding how dropping the name of some guy will make any difference when you are about to beat the snot out of some jerk.

All I can think is that this Miranda dude was probably some really mean dude who made sure people didn't mess up too much. So in order to be sure somebody who is acting up stops, you just casually mention his name and that somehow causes them to stop.

I don't know, but too me that is an awful lot of work just to be fair to some jerk who wasn't being fair to others. And that don't seem fair to me at all.

Of course seeing how Dr. Hemoglobin ain't around with us when we actually do find some griminal, I guess it ain't going to be that big of a problem. I mean whose to say when I mentioned this Miranda character when I nab a bad guy?

After all, Dr. Hemoglobin didn't mention a word about the person having to be conscious at the time. So if they dude is lying their in a coma from being introduced to my bat, then I mention this Miranda dude that ought to work I reckon.

Shoot, I think I can even call my bat, Miranda, and make it even easier I figure. Yeah, that would really make it ever easier.

I can't say if everyone will think that is fair. But I sure do. And as long as this Miranda character doesn't show up to blab on how it ain't suppose to work that way, I think it will work for me.

Gee, I wonder if it matters how I spell Miranda too? I guess if I toss in a few of those lefts that nobody else mentions that will make up for it.

GET LOST CREEP

Is this a good way to talk to a person? I don't think of it as much of a greeting from my point of view.

And it seems to mainly be something that is cool for a woman to say. Shoot it don't even seem to matter if the person she is talking to is really a creep. That part just sort of doesn't count.

Which makes me wonder, are women experts on who is a creep? Do they like have a class they take in school where they learn such things?

I just had to ask. I mean it just seems kind of unfair to the rest of us guys if the women are getting to learn this and we can't even find out about the details.

I've tried to ask my buddy, Otis, about this, but so far he hasn't had much to say. That is because of the number of times we will go somewhere and then he'll some nice looking gal and decide to go up and talk to her.

Which seems okay. Only I'm not sure what happens, but a lot of the times he'll be talking to her and then the next thing I'll know I'll hear her mention about the getting lost creep thing.

He always comes back to where I'm sitting looking kind of red faced and what not. But then, I don't know, it just doesn't do me any good to ask since he kind of has a hard time talking much after that.

Anyway, since he hasn't done much good at explaining about it I thought I better check with someone else. Normally, I would ask Dr. Hemoglobin, but he's been real busy lately and not available for much talking.

Funny, he didn't used to be that busy, but after I went in to see him and told him about my idea of seeing if you could make office chairs out of cactus, he didn't seem like he wanted to talk much. I guess I should have asked him first on that suggestion before I put that cactus in his chair. Anyway, he sort of doesn't have a lot of time to chat these days I guess.

Oh well, my second choice is to talk to the Reverend Analbe. Only he seems to think everything is about doing wrong or at least makes you feel guilty even if you never did anything bad.

So in this case I thought I would go and check with Colonel Stickemstill. You know seeing how he is a Colonel and all I figured he would know about stuff like creepy since I'm sure he has had to do it a few times while doing Army junk.

And I did try to ask him. I went right up to him and wanted to know if it was true that he was a real creep? Well, he didn't quite answer my question. His face did turn a nice shade of red though. Which kind of went with his uniform I guess.

THE BLUES

Okay I think somebody has got a serious problem when they start talking about singing in colors. I'm sorry, but I ain't falling for that one.

Now in case you were like born under a bush or something and don't know the difference, music you hear, colors you see. That ought to be plain enough.

But as clear as it might seem, that doesn't apparently work for some people. Can you believe they have people out there who still claim they sing the blues? I mean I ask you is that crazy or what?

And why does it have to be the blues? Couldn't it be like the reds or greens or whatever? I don't know, it seems like they are just talking weird when they talk about singing some color.

Now if they were talking and saying singing about a color that would be different. Although it would be kind of hard to figure how much of a song you can make over a single color.

Take blue for example. Well it is blue. What else is there to say? I can't think of too much unless you are going to start rambling about how all the stuff that is blue in color. I suppose that would work for some people.

It wouldn't impress me much though. I just think it would be boring. That is because after you mentioned a couple of blue things I would get the idea and then sort of lose interest.

But apparently that isn't enough for some people. Some are so hung up on the color blue that they become what are called blues singers. I got to tell you it is hard for me to imagine how you can make any money for something like that.

Shoot if you can get paid for getting up and just singing over and over again "blue, blue, blue," then all I can say is some people's idea of entertainment is sure strange. I don't know I guess it takes all kind to enjoy life. And apparently some don't need a whole lot of effort to have a reason to enjoy.

So for those who get a kick out of hearing somebody sing blue, blue, blue over and over I take off my beanie as a salute. Although, no offense intended, I got a feeling considering your idea of fun that you would probably think that was fascinating. Which is okay I guess.

But as for me I think I'll stick with enjoying colors as they apply to things I can see like with jelly beans. So the rest can spend their time singing about blue. I'll spend my time shoving blue jelly beans into my mouth. Now that is the kind of music I can really enjoy and I don't even have to listen to it. As for the rest, just do me a favor and sing the blues when I'm not around.

ALL THE PRETTY SOCKS IN A ROW

Ah, there is nothing more magical and special to me than a nice row of cleaned socks dangling on some clothesline while they are drying. They sort of represent hope. You just know the person who washed them wouldn't do so unless they thought things were going to get better or at least not worse.

Yep, for me that is one of the nice things about life. You can always find the most interesting places to notice the little ways some people show their confidence in tomorrow.

Now you might thing I'm making way too much about a group of socks, but I think that is one of the problems. There are just too many folks who have lost their ability to believe. They just can't bring themselves to have any hope.

Which is really sad. Maybe it isn't quite as bad as those who believe in junk that is totally stupid. Them you have to just feel sorry for.

But they the people would can't find a single reason to look at tomorrow and get excited, well that will always be a tragedy to me. I don't know, but in my case as long as I know there will always be more Saturdays, I'm cool.

Those are when the candy store have their special sales on jelly beans. I don't know, but for me as long as I know I'm going to get a break on the cost of jelly beans once and a just always am left with a reason to smile no matter how crappy a given day happens to turn out.

I do appreciate how there are a lot of people who just can't find a reason to get excited about something as great as jelly beans. That's okay. I'm not saying that jelly beans are the most perfect thing on the planet.

I do admit I have trouble of thinking of much that is really better, but I do confess I can see how not everyone will agree with my feeling on that subject. And I'm even willing to listen if they want to tell me about something better.

Only I hope they can come up with something that makes sense. This one person told me that world peace was the most important thing.

That was kind of weird to me. The last I heard the world wasn't even mad at everyone. Oh you got some real crazies out there who are pissed off, but the world itself?

It is just another of those deals where I have to sit and kind of scratch my head. After all it there really a reason to think that the whole world is sitting there waiting to beat up on us folks? I figure at best it is probably a little grumpy. I mean you could hardly blame the world for being a little grumpy what we all the times people do rude stuff like piss in the swimming pool. But I can't image the world being the kind to hold a grudge. At least not that I've heard. Maybe it is just a case of needing a few rows of clean socks drying to make the world stop being so grumpy.

IT COULD BE WORSE

Otis is always telling me this when I start grumping about some problem too much. That is all fine and dandy, but to be honest it don't make me feel any better.

Actually it sort of pisses me off. Why should I care if things could be worse when I got to cope with the way they are now?

Of course you know the thing is with my buddy Otis, he doesn't always look at it that way when he is grumping. Nope then it is more like if I say it could be worse he kind of looks at me with one of his "shut your mouth" stares.

Only he doesn't actually get around to saying shut up. Just kind of makes you know that it is what he is thinking.

I don't even mind that part so much. What I get kind of bored about is not being able to always think how it could be worse.

I do try, believe me, but I just don't quite have the hang of it. Like the other day when Otis was stuck filling out all these reports for Dr. Hemoglobin.

It seems at times like Otis is always filling out some kind of reports. Most of the time he don't seem to mind doing the reports.

However when it comes to the ones where he has to explain junk like our expense reports and receipts he really gets grumpy. I guess I can't blame him.

It can be awful hard work doing something like explaining how the receipt you turned in for parking has the name of a donut shop on it. Or the one he turned in that he said was for paying this toll on a toll road and it had the name of this movie theater on it.

He just never seems to enjoy messing with those types of reports. So I thought I would try to cheer him up. So I told him it could be worse.

Naturally, he asked how. So I said at least he didn't have to explain those receipts I had turned in for supplies that had the name of a candy store on them. I suppose it might have been a good thing if I had checked with him before I put them on a expense account. But I kind of forgot.

Anyway, it sure didn't make him feel better to tell him how that would be worse. Plus is didn't help things when Dr. Hemoglobin called a few minutes later about those candy store receipts.

I'm not sure what Dr. Hemoglobin was saying, but Otis's face sure got red and he stammered a lot. Well, I guess I will have to wait for a little while to try and find out from Otis what our boss said. Right now, we kind of got stuck doing some extra work for free after that call from Dr. Hemoglobin. Guess that probably falls under the worse part huh?

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK: "Marriage makes people stupid. Otherwise you wouldn't have to be told, 'repeat after me,' you could just figure it out for yourself."

WHAT ELSE?

Have you ever had one of those days when nothing goes right? And it might not even go left either. I guess that depends on whether you are on a one-way street.

When life sort of sucks on a given day that is when I get a serious case of what else. As in what else is going to mess up my day.

And before I know it pretty soon something else does go wrong. It really doesn't give me much reason to smile, that's for sure.

I've been working to see if I could come up with some kind of anti-what else deal. You know a special way to avoid stuff happening that adds to the crap you go through.

I guess I could always use the way old rat boy, Junior does it. He just dumps the stuff off on others.

Yeah, that is a cool way to do it if you can get away with it. Only most of the rest of us don't have the option of sticking others with the what else stuff.

That's not going to keep me from hoping though. And I got a feeling I can figure it out eventually.

Maybe I can handle it by a memo thing. That seems to work over at STINK a lot. Well it works for people like Dr. Hemoglobin, my boss.

Whenever this a problem he always seems to figure a way to work it into a memo. Then he passes it off to us like it is now our problem.

I haven't tried sending him a memo yet. I first got to see if I can find the forms. My buddy Otis says you have to have a memo first before you can send a memo requesting some memo forms.

Now I don't think I would even mind that being confusing if somehow in all of it I actually managed to get a memo out of the deal that I could write. But what makes it even more confusing is how you can't just send the memo. Otis says you also have to follow a certain format.

I guess that is like a doormat, only it is a mat that you hide the forms under. Boy that sure is a lot of trouble just to keep those dang memos from being easy to get.

So right now I'm sort of trying to figure a different way to go about this other than by a memo. I was thinking a post card might work.

Only problem with that is making sure I get the right amount of postage on the card. And that can be really tricky at times. I mean you can never be too careful in terms of using enough stamps. That's why sending those cards get expensive for me when I put them all around the edges. So I guess I'll still keep figuring out this whole what else deal eventually.

DO OR...

The one thing I know is that this involves doing something regardless of what you add after the or part. I just don't get how this ought to even be a choice, which is how they make it seem. That is whoever decides to come up with this deal in the first place.

The way I figure it though if you concentrate on the doing part then the other doesn't really matter. Unless you kind of forget what the doing is you are suppose to be doing. Sometimes that does happen and that ain't very cool in my opinion.

What I heard and found really silly is when somebody added after the or part something about die. Now I ask you is that dumb or what? Honestly what kind of choice is that? Like this is somehow a good thing?

I reckon there are probably a few people out there that would think that was an okay idea. But not me.

And I got a feeling that somehow old rat boy, Junior Hemoglobin, is behind this do or die business. It sounds like the kind of crap he would come up with.

Only I think I will pass. I'm not going to buy into the idea that if I don't do something I'm going to end up pushing up daisies or ethels or whatever other girl's names that you got to get punished by pushing up if you do don't the doing part.

Anyway, the reason I figured that old rat boy was behind this deal is because he is always messing around with making things sound like they are important even if they aren't. And to make it extra important sounding he would toss in some lame deal of how if you didn't do whatever you would be in the kind of trouble that could leave you with a broken body or worse.

Yeah, I can see it now. Old rat boy making a big deal about something like it is the end of the world if you don't do a do. Then he naturally don't get around to ever really showing how the do is necessarily going to be a do or else if you don't do the do.

With that dude I bet it will all come down to cheese. Almost everything with him does. He is such a jerk when it comes to cheese and he tries to make the rest of us jerks too when it comes to some of the doing he comes up with.

Frankly, I can't imagine any cheese do that he would ever be able to convince us would be like the end of the world if it didn't happen. That doesn't keep him from trying or should I say doing.

We just have learned to stall when he gets to talking and making sure before it gets to crazy that we don't do any doing on account of cheese. I suppose with something like Limburger cheese it might risk making your nostrils die a little. But I'll risk it instead of hearing any more of Junior's idea of do or whatever. I guess I ought to be grateful he doesn't care about more important stuff like jelly beans. Now that would really be a do or die in my view.

ALL OR NOTHING

Is this a good choice? I was sort of wondering how come it can't be like all or almost? That makes more sense that this all or nothing business.

Take sports for example. You generally have somebody or some group that end up the champions. They are the ones who get the all.

Then the ones who don't end up the champions end up with nothing or almost nothing. Either way it ain't nowhere as much good as the champion dudes.

The main thing that kind of bothers me with this deal is when the talk about something like World Champions. What bothers me is the fact that they say this group, team or guy is the World Champion of a given sport. Only nowhere do they ever show where the person or team actually beat the whole world.

I can't speak for anyone else, but I know when I see somebody who like the World Champion of say boxing I do have to question did he really beat up the WHOLE world. If so that is news to me since he never came around to try and punch me out. Which I guess I should be grateful for.

I just think before they go running around passing out these World Champion titles they ought to be able to prove the person actually did beat everyone in the whole wide world. And frankly with all the people there are on the planet you know that would take longer than an hour

Why they don't even provide a single place for you to go and sign up to wait for a chance to get beat up. It seems like they just are getting this done the right way if you ask me.

And I think I'm going to work on ways to improve that. Shoot we got this place here that they have professional wrestling. So I was thinking I might call them up and ask where the line forms for this World Champion dude to turn people into pretzels.

Not that I'm crazy about being turned into a pretzel, but I sure don't like some dude bragging he beat me up as part of the whole world when I never even met the guy. They way I figure I might even get lucky.

Yeah, I might wear the guy out by letting him punch me in the face enough times or having punched all the others before me that he might not win. I wonder what they would do then?

Guess I'll try to find out. Maybe not today though. I want to get in shape before I try to look up one of those World Champions anyway.

I'll probably start by lifting a whole bag of jelly beans and then work my way up from there. I reckon by the time I get to say three or four bags I might be ready to give those folks a call. But I'll just have to see how things go.

DANCING THAT WAY

Personally this ain't my favorite think to do. It don't even make the list of fun things. Not in my case.

Oh I don't have anything against it. I just don't seem to have feet that do too well with this dancing thing. They kind of get awkward and cause me to stumble a lot. I sure don't get the hang of dancing to the tunes.

Anyway, my buddy Otis thinks he can dance real good. I'm not sure why he thinks that given the fact that he sure don't seem to be good at it.

If it were up to me I would call him "crinkle toes." That is because he kind of looks like his toes are all crunched and not happy when he's dancing. Plus the way he grits his teeth and calls it smiling makes it look as other than a good thing.

Actually, we don't get much chance to dance as a rule. About the only time we even try is at STINK's annual Trash Cotillion.

That is the one time a year when we have to dress up in those dark suits they call tuxedoes. Otis always goes and gets ours.

I'm not sure where he gets them, but I did find this business card once in one of the pockets. It was from some funeral home. He claims that was just a coincidence.

Although I do have to say it did smell funny. Sort of like you would smell in a funeral home from some embalming fluid.

In any case here we are stuffed in those dang suits and standing around trying to hold that small cup of yucky punch as well as some paper plate of stale cookies. And then during the middle of all of that they start the dancing thing.

Now at STINK if you don't bring somebody to dance with you end up having to dance with one of the ladies that works there as a secretary or clerk. They are okay I guess. Although they always smell like liquid paper.

At least that option is better than getting stuck dancing with Truly Grimy. Man, I'll do anything to avoid that. She always smells like that stuff she cooks and that ain't good for any nostrils.

I did try to get around that once by having Granny Potts join us. But she had a hard time dancing while using her walker. Plus she kept calling me Ed. And as far as I know she doesn't even know anyone named Ed.

But I reckon this year I'll get stuck going again. And that means wearing those dang suits again. Yawn! About the only good thing is that it is only once a year. I wonder if Otis will let me get a new pair of red sneakers for this one? I figure I might as well benefit somehow.

THE FIRST SIGNS OF LIFE

I've wondered if these are neon or billboard types of signs? All I know is that you sure got to get up really early in the morning to find them.

Because whenever I hear somebody talk about the first signs of life it always seems like it happens around morning. And that sure ain't a time I'm looking for signs.

Well normally I'm on my trash route a lot of mornings so the thing I'm mainly looking for is garbage cans. Can't find much of any kind of sign in the garbage unless you count say some bumper stickers people ripped off their bumpers that were old and worn out.

But outside of that I guess, the thing is how come they can't put these dang signs up at other times of the day and for other reasons? What is the deal with the morning that makes it so important?

Are these like signs they just want to say something, but don't want everyone to know about? Makes me wonder.

Of course they could be advertising something and don't want to let everyone know. Like it is a secret or just some special deal for only a few people.

I hate those offers that are for a limited time only. It is like they are advertising something that is going to spoiled if they advertise it for too long so you have to do it right away.

Oh well, I don't imagine since I can even find these signs that I will have a chance to worry about it very much. I just wish the people who do mention it would be nice enough to explain what the sign was all about.

I know it is about life. But what part? That is sort of big deal to not include you know. Seems like the one part you shouldn't forget, but that doesn't seem to matter to some.

In any case, I am going to keep my eyes open on my trash route just in case somebody happens to screw up and show off these signs so I can see them. I wonder if it does mention life a lot on them? Seems like they should.

But till I see one that will be hard to tell. However, I think I going to be very sure that if I find them I'm going to look for whoever wrote that sign so I can contact them.

Gee, I hope they aren't in neon colors that make them hard to read. That could be a problem too. It wouldn't matter if the sign is something good about life if you can read the dang letters. Hopefully, whoever is writing these signs would know that fact.

But when they are writing these signs only so early in the morning it does make you wonder. Perhaps one of these days you never know they might even give us a break and do these signs in the middle of the day.

ALONG THE WAY

I hate when I hear those words. Mainly because I end up hearing them from old rat boy Junior Hemoglobin. He is such a pain in that regard.

See what happens is my buddy Otis and I will be running an errand from Junior's dad, Dr. Hemoglobin and then Junior will say, "Along the way go by and...." It is the and part that really pisses me off.

Because you can be sure it is not going to be somewhere fun to go. It will be a pain in the butt big time.

Of course most of the time with Junior that is going to involve something like picking up cheese. That darn cheese addict will always manage to bug us with making us go somewhere that isn't on the way to pick up his stupid cheese.

What really makes it a pain is that the place will normally not be anywhere near where we are going. It can be miles out of the way.

Oh believe me we try to get out of it, but Junior will keep bugging us till we finally agree to go by and pick up the cheese. Junior has plenty of ways to make sure we do that if we complain too much. He's so dang much of a pain in that regard, but we have just learned to not resist too much otherwise he'll figure a way to make it worse.

Otis is pretty good at figuring ways of dodging Junior sometimes. Like making sure we sneak out of headquarters before he has a chance to tell us some along the way place he wants us to go.

What I really like is when we are able to do something like get in the garbage truck before he talks to us. Then we just pretend our radio is not working.

I truly enjoy when we have him call us and we keep acting like we can't hear him on the radio. He gets so crazy when we just keep saying "what? what?" to his calls.

But then that isn't something we can get away with every time. On some occasions we manage to pretend that we got lost trying to find the place he wants us to find.

The only problem is that I understand Junior is working on getting new radios and also putting maps in every truck. Guess it will be time to come up with a new excuse down the road.

I think I'll leave that part to Otis. He's a lot better at that kind of thing than I am. Right now all I can think of is coming up with some kind of stuff about a trash monster that ate our radio.

Well, I won't worry about it forever. The best thing I can do is keep practicing hiding in the locker room. But one can only stay inside a locker full of sweaty trash man clothes so long. Guess I should plan on washing more often.

STUFF IT

Man is there any better joy during the holidays that being able to know some turkey if going to be filled with something really yummy? I just love knowing that fact.

And I really love it best when I get to help make the stuffing. Personally, I'm a big fan of jelly bean, marshmallow and fudge sauce stuffing.

My buddy Otis gets kind of picky on that part. He claims stuffing has to have some kind of bread in it. So I figure a donut or two will work. But he says that doesn't count.

I really get kind of annoyed when he gets all hung up on that part. I mean shoot, why ruin a perfectly good turkey filling it with bread when you got rolls to eat? Besides who really likes soggy bread? I don't.

That is why last year I thought I would help Otis out. So when he wasn't looking I took out the turkey and dug out all that weird bread junk and put in my own special holiday stuffing.

Man was I so proud of myself. I mean I added all the good stuff. I put in a bunch of jelly beans, a big mound of marshmallows, peanut butter, fudge, cherries, some nuts, whipped cream and um, oh I forget what all else. All I know is I outdid myself in the tasty department from my point of view.

Shoot, I remember, I even added a couple of brownies and some frosting. You know to make sure it had that extra something special.

But my buddy Otis sure didn't end up being impressed. And I got to admit that once the turkey got cooked the stuffing didn't turn out quite as cool as I imagined. It sort of ran all over the oven.

Personally, I thought that smell was great from when the stuffing oozed all over the oven. Okay, I admit it was sort of burnt a little. And it did cause a lot of smoke.

However, outside of that I thought it was great. I do admit that I had plenty for myself seeing how Otis refused to try any.

I can remember too much after I ate some thought. I kind of dizzy and sort of ended up taking a nap.

Otis said I got sick on it. So much so he had to take me to the emergency room. True, I did wake up there, but I think he just took me there to make me believe something was wrong. Just because I left those marshmallows and other stuff in plastic bags doesn't seem to me that when they melted it would have caused me any problems when I ate them. Ah well, it just goes to show you never can tell for sure with what my buddy will come up to say about stuff. As for me, I just hope he gives me another try and making stuffing. Next time I think I'll try stuff in glass jars instead of plastic bags.

Thought for the week: "There is a saying about T for two. How many do the rest of us get from the other letters of the alphabet?"

SPIKES, YO-YO'S AND BUBBLE GUM

Ain't it wonderful how sometimes you can make things related that nobody else would ever think had anything in common? Well I think it is pretty cool regardless of what others happen to think.

In this case I was sort of contemplate — which is what you call it when you think extra hard on something. Those people they call thinkers seem to do this a lot.

Anyway, while doing a bunch of contemplating thing I had this idea about how spikes had something to do with yo-yo's and bubble gum. Spikes are those special shoes that some athletes use.

And naturally you see lots of athletes chewing, which I assume means they like bubble gum a whole bunch. Which ain't all bad, though I'm not quite sure what flavor they like the best.

As for yo-yo's, well I reckon I consider that to be a sport. So you know, you got athletes, you got gum and you got yo-yo's, which to me spells pretty darn exciting stuff.

I sort of wonder though how come you don't see more athletes doing more with bubble gum and yo-yo's. Just seems like they would be happy to show off with them.

Now maybe if you were to say make the yo-yo's out of bubble gum it might help. Shoot you could even have their shoes look like yo-yo's. Heck they do have laces, why couldn't they be used as strings for yo-yo's.

See, the whole thing fits together as far as I'm concerned. I just think that those athletes happen to know my fun playing yo-yo's and chewing gum happen to be. They just don't want us to know it.

Yeah, I bet they just sit around when they aren't athlete doing stuff and spend all kinds of practicing with yo-yo's. But for some reason they won't let us know about it.

I reckon they've got their reasons. Only they want to keep it a secret. Why shoot they keep it such a good secret that when I saw some athletes the other day I was asking them about it and they try to pretend it wasn't true.

That tells me something special is going on and so I figure maybe I'll see about getting myself some of those spikes and a couple of yo-yo's. Then stroll over to the field where the athletes are playing some game and pass around the chewing gum.

I suppose I ought to be careful to let them know that I am aware how they are keeping this whole deal a secret. Maybe, I'll chew some gum and then put it on their spikes. Then I'll take time to offer them a yo-yo to have a little fun.

Well, I can't wait to try this out. I wonder if they make bubble gum that looks like jelly beans? Worth a thought I reckon.

CHEERS FOR STEERS

Yeah, I want to shout for the beef. I don't know, it just sort of needs to be said. I think considering how important beef is we need to really take time to appreciate it more.

First of all, you got all that beef in burgers. Not sure why it isn't beef burger instead of hamburger, but all I know is that my tummy sure appreciates when I gobble down a couple dozen burgers. And that is a big deal in my book. Because there is nothing to me that makes a day like when your tummy feels like it is filled with sunshine.

Burgers manage to help a lot, but even when you can have a burger it is cool the other beef options. There are things like tacos with beef in them, burritos with beef in them and who can forget steak. That is something I don't want to forget either.

Course I realize that steers might not be real cool about the idea of steak the way we can enjoy it. And I reckon that the people who raise cattle probably don't spend a lot of time you know whisper to old bossy about looking real tasty. Nope, I don't imagine that would be cool.

However, that doesn't mean we can't still say thanks to the steer for being such a big help with making our tummy's smile. Oh yeah, showing gratitude would be a good thing in my book. And nope, it ain't a cookbook either.

Anyway, I just thought during this cool time of the holidays when everyone you know gets their jollies by fixing extra special holiday meals we just don't want to forget the beef. It just wouldn't be a decent holiday season if I couldn't figure a nice burger or steak in their somewhere.

What I do wonder about though is what kind of steer do they use to make those things called beef logs? I've never seen any long tube shaped steers before. I know there are those dogs that shaped like that, but I've never seen any steer that looked like that.

Maybe they keep them somewhere special rather than on a farm. Shoot, if they are that skinny, heck you could probably even keep them inside the house.

However, I wonder if they would moo like a regular cow or leave manure all over the place. That would be so dang messy if you asked me.

But you know, I can't say it wouldn't be an okay idea I reckon if you enjoyed that kind of thing. I just wouldn't plan on it myself though.

For now though, I think I'll just stick with enjoy the beef in any shape it comes. And hope that if they do get it from some really weird shaped moo-cow I don't have to see it in the process. That wouldn't work for me.

But then I reckon if I did get stuck looking on it, I would just be sure I had some extra ketchup. There is very little when it comes to beef that doesn't look better when smothered in the red stuff.

FART WHEN YOU SAY THAT

Yeah, I mean exactly that. There are some things people say that really smell. I mean down right stink from being dumb and stupid.

So from my point of view the least they could do is to fart to give you nose the same experience your brain is having. But I doubt that will happen.

I don't know, I just get kind of bored when I have to listen to people who say the kind of stuff that is totally boring. It is like they don't have anything decent to say and can't think up anything exciting so they mumble a bunch of dribble that is totally a yawn.

And brother if you dare to try and shut them up, forget it. That will only give them a bad case of diarrhea of the mouth. I know some call that running off at the mouth as if you know, they keep talking forever. And it does mean that, but to me it also means all they say is a bunch of crap.

Which seems if they are going to bother with that then why not fart and get it over with. At least that way you could hold your nose and say, "buddy that was really disgusting."

They might even agree, which would be really cool. But no, such people never bother to accept they have that problem. And the fact that they have no friends because the bore the crap out of people doesn't help either.

All it does is get them inspired to come back and keep bugging you. Which only makes things really a pain.

As for me, well shoot, I would just be thrilled if they would go and bother someone else. Or like I said, if they would bother to you know take time to fart.

Plus if they fart everyone else would know the person sucks. That would be so great. Then they wouldn't look at me like I was weird when I was totally bored out of my mind from dealing with the person.

See the problem is that sometimes these boring people are just too good at appearing to be normal. They can really fool others if you don't hang around them for very long.

So in those case they think you are weird for thinking that person is dull and you want to hide from them. I say hide because if I try bashing them, even if it makes them fart it never ends with anyone thinking it is okay.

I tell you that is so frustrating. And I really do get so annoyed when I can get the person to shut up or fart or leave me alone and bashing them doesn't work.

About the only thing I can do in those situations is to you know tell them somebody else wants to talk to them. Let me tell you it isn't long till I can tell that person is thinking about farts also.

HAVING A TIGER BY THE TAIL

Who is a lamebrain enough to not know this is hardly a good thing? I don't hang around with tigers, but I'm not about to want to risk being some big cat's snack!

So why some others haven't figure this part out I have no idea. I just know that whoever came up with this idea really needs help.

Course we do know that you don't find too many tigers around as a rule anyway. Well I haven't that is for sure.

Oh I reckon you could find them in a zoo, but I'm not going into any tiger's cage just to grab his tail. Plus is this whole thing just about tigers or what? Are they like the old cats this applies too?

I don't recall them talking about say having a lion or cheetah by the tail. There must be some special reason for them to single out tigers. Who knows, perhaps tigers like this for some reason.

Personally, I'm not about to go and ask them. Them tigers can be trusted in my opinion. I can just see it you go up and say, "here kitty, kitty, kitty." Then the next thing all you see is some blur of fur and then the tiger sits there with a big bulge in his stomach, your footprints on the ground and him having a big smile on his face, followed by some contented burp.

No thanks to that from my view. I'll just be happy to let those tigers keep their tales and look to somebody else for a snack.

Which sort of makes me wonder you know, did somebody come up with this because they wanted YOU to be the snack? Now that sounds like something that old rat boy, Junior Hemoglobin would pull.

He such a jerk in that regard. I can see it now, he spreads this idea around about how yanking some tiger's tail is a good thing.

Knowing him I bet it has to do with him plotted to get cheese out of somebody else. Yeah, that would be just like him, that cheese freak. He would probably see where you know somebody has some cheese and then he would say something like 'Oh look that tiger has something in its tail. Why don't you go over and check it out."

Then the next thing you know, you end up a snack and Junior gets your cheese. Well, I ain't falling for that one.

Nope, that ain't going to work for me. I'll just pass on the whole idea. Course one way to avoid it is that I'm not going to be caught with any cheese. I'll just be sure I eat it before Junior sees me. Er, maybe I'll have to be sure I don't get caught with cheese breath either. So I'll just eat some jelly beans first. Hmmm, I hope tigers don't like jelly beans.

BEING A SHOWBOAT

Some people are so weird. Now I don't consider myself to be a genius. Well I guess I would not claim that title, but I wouldn't turn it down if it were offered.

Anyway, I heard this guy talking about some other person and calling them a showboat. I tell you this person definitely had a problem. I'm speaking of the guy talking about someone being a showboat.

Because the plain fact is nobody can be a boat. Okay, perhaps there is an exception. I had an uncle once who thought he was a bridge. That's not a boat, but it does involve water. In his case it wasn't so bad because my aunt convinced him he was a toll bridge and she used to charge people to run over him with their cars. Didn't last too long though.

Outside of that though, I know and you know this whole idea of a person being any kind of boat is kind of silly. As for it being a showboat, I wonder what kind of boat that is?

I'm assuming perhaps that it would have to be really big. After all you could hardly have a decent show of any kind just on a dingy or rowboat.

Only I would assume a person would know better than to think they could be something as huge as a aircraft carrier. Heck the first time somebody tried to land on them with a jet they would figure out they weren't a very good boat.

At least you would think so. It is just so hard to tell with some people though. I mean honestly, a person has a right to believe whatever they want. So I reckon if it makes the person happy to think they are some huge aircraft carrier that people get to have shows on, fine.

However does any of that require others to you know, make fun of them for that? I got to question how you are helping the person by agreeing with their idea of being any kind of a boat?

See, I think the problem is that people don't think this kind of stuff through that much. Otherwise they might avoid being so silly as to claim this kind of thing.

Also are there people out there that think they are a different kind of show thing? I mean are there people who think they are show cars or show houses or show planes?

Maybe there is a big problem with lots of people thinking like that and not telling others all the time. Perhaps they just do it on certain occasions for certain people.

In which case, I guess whatever shows they are putting on for entertainment only get seen by a few. That's sort of selfish if you ask me. I enjoy a good show as much as the next person. So you would think it would nice if they would share. I could put up with a guy looking stupid while pretending to be a whatever. Might be good for a few laughs.

GIVING THEM WHAT FOR

I guess this is a good thing. But not sure how. I saw them mentioning it in this movie once. Only you know, they never once mentioned what the what was they were giving.

I sort of thought that was kind of important to know. If you are going to go around giving people a what you sure need to start by telling the what it is.

Which kind of surprised me considering you would presume that people would have figure that part out. I find it hard to believe I'm the only one who might have understood how important that happened to be.

But it sure didn't seem to matter in this movie. They were going around talking about giving what for to others and seemed pretty darn happy that they did.

Well I guess as long as they enjoyed it that was good enough. At least it worked in the movie.

I still would have liked you know figuring how the what part so I could also know the for part. Call me silly, but I think that really is something that needed to be explained.

That is another reason why I think it would be a good idea if they would ask me to help write these movies at times. Shoot, if you want junk that doesn't make sense, no problem. I can do that.

However, if you want it to make sense then you best be sure that you are willing to pay extra. At least five bucks more.

I know that is a lot of money, but it is also a lot of work to make stuff make sense. And so I think I'm being fair to expect that much more.

But if all they want is dumb and huh, I can do that any old day. Heck, I probably wouldn't have to rewrite it either.

For those that don't know, rewriting is where you write something and then accidentally forget what you wrote and can't find where you left your piece of paper. So then you have to spend time rewriting it. That can really be the pits at times.

Oh well, I will even put up with that as long as they knock off with expecting movies to keep saying junk that doesn't make any sense. And that includes this whole what for business.

Now if they want me to come up with a different saying I can give them something like "oh yeah," or "so?" Those are just for starters you understand.

Man, I just came up with those off the top of my head. Imagine what I could do with say, two minutes of effort. I know that is a lot of time, but shoot, you can't rush creativity and get anything decent.

READING THEM THE RIOT ACT

Is this supposed to be a good thing? I just wonder. Personally, I do like action stories. So hearing somebody telling me a story about some riot could be interesting.

I reckon it depends upon whether you are having them read the riot act by say talking to a bunch of people and yelling, "go and get that jerk!" I don't think being the one they are going to do the riot act on would be a good feeling. At least I wouldn't look forward to it.

So I don't think I'll be in any hurry to go somewhere that a person decides to do this type of reading. I wonder if it is in any way like one of those poetry readings. I know that not everyone likes poetry, but I don't reckon it would normally be about any riot.

However, I guess you could find some word to rhyme with riot or act. Not sure how many though. Hopefully enough for a whole poem. Providing it wasn't one of those epic types. You know the kind like they have over at the movies. Gosh if it is that long and they don't have an intermission or any refreshments then I can see why it would cause a riot.

Anyway, I think I won't volunteer to go to any of these readings. As for everyone else, well that is sort of up to them I reckon.

Personally, I guess if you are going to get all hung up going to one of these deals then you might want to take a bat or something. You know in case things get out of control and if by mistake they decide to make you the riot dude to get clobbered.

Now one word of advice might be is if things get sort of ugly and then you see them looking at you like a possible punching bag, you might want to use that as a hint it is a good time to leave. Just a thought of course.

Well, I reckon that ought to do enough for helping out this time. I really do get so much fun out of taking the time to pass on these little helpful thoughts.

And maybe one of these days I'll even run across a person or two who actually thought it was a good thing too. That is providing they are lugging a bat at the time.

It never hurts to be a little cautious. Just in case that person you think is cool is really insane.

Sometimes it is really tough knowing the difference for sure. I for one just plan on bashing first and asking questions later. That way if the other person is planning something like a riot you don't have to worry about them rioting on our body.

That might be some people's idea of fun, but not mine. And these days I figure with some of the crazy people out there it would be cool to always make sure that clobbering is something you don't talk about happening personally. It can be so less than memorable if you don't learn how to bash, duck or run quick enough.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK: "Somebody said 'I love a parade.' I bet that was the dude who didn't have to clean up AFTER the horses came by."

ON ACCOUNT OF

I don't like this at all. No way I think this is a good thing. And I sure don't want to hear anymore about accounts either.

I think the banks are responsible for this whole deal myself. Because they always got this way to make you freak out over your bank account.

I mean the nerve of them to give me checks and not tell me that they wouldn't cash them unless I put some money in the stupid bank account. Can you believe that nonsense?

It is just plan awful. If I had the money in the first place I wouldn't have to try and cash a check. You would think with all that money they got lying around in their vault that they could spare some.

But NOOO, they don't agree. And then if that isn't bad enough once a month they send you this thing called a statement. That is where they send you this paper that is intended to humiliate you by showing you how little money you got in your account. Plus they have the nerve to charge you a fee just to send you that statements.

And what is the deal with these things called Automatic Tellers. I've tried using them and they never say a word.

Man I stood there and pressed all the buttons on their fricken machine and not one of them spoke a word. So how can it be an automatic anything that tells you something if it doesn't even talk?

It really bugs me how they got these things they shorten to call ATM's all over the place and so far not a one of them has ever spoken a word. I think there is something phony about the whole deal.

So I did call up the bank to point that out to them and boy were they less than polite about it. Why I couldn't believe that one dude who I spoke to claiming he was in customer service. He sure didn't service me as a customer very well.

There I was figuring if they were going to give me the kind of service I wanted then they would cash my check or at least give me some jelly beans. I would have even settled for that.

But this jerk didn't even offer me any of either. Man did that suck. And he called that customer service?

Well, I guess I won't get to talk to them again anyway. They sent me a note telling me they were closing my checking account due to a lack of funds.

I don't know what they do with all the money they get, but you would figure that somebody would have taken the time to stuff a couple of buck in my account if for no other reason than to just be sure it wasn't empty. But, I guess you can't get them to agree with the idea that the customer is always right when it comes to money.

DON'T BLAME ME

That's right, don't blame me, it wasn't my fault. And even if you think it was, then you are mistaken since I was nowhere near where the problem took place.

I'm just practicing I guess for when I have to say that. It really is a great phrase when you get away with saying it.

I was giving this a thought after I saw this really old bumper sticker that said something about don't blame me I vote for — only I could read that rest of it. But it got me thinking, does voting give you a cool excuse to avoid admitting you did something wrong?

I sure hope so because man it would be so great to be able to avoid getting in trouble by saying something about how you were off voting at the time so you couldn't be the one to blame for whatever. Then the one thing that sort of bugged me was that since you can vote all the time that sort of cuts down on when this would work.

So I suppose the best way to help with this would be to get to vote more often. Which means we need more reasons to vote. Something good would help I bet.

Only I don't think I want to listen to a bunch of politicians giving more speeches. Lord knows they give enough of them as it is.

So we just got to find other stuff to vote for. Heck, I figure we could like make up extra things to vote for.

Yeah and since you always hear them complaining about poor voter turn out I bet they would be so dang happy if suddenly everyone started voted. Now you got to admit that would be a good solution.

Oh I know we got a problem with the idea of how too many people would start trying to avoid blame for whatever. So we might have to do something to take turns on that part.

But then I have heard of that thing about being registered to vote. Which I take it means we could create a bunch of waiting lists.

That way you would know when you could like say not to get blamed for someone and when you would be out of luck on that excuse. Yeah, this is sounding so much better the more I think of it.

Now, don't go spreading it around, but just a thought here, you could like plan the stuff you didn't want to get blamed for to only be done when you were voting. Ah, like I said, don't spread it around.

No sense messing up things for the rest of us by blabbing that to everyone. There would be no way to avoid the blame for that voting or not voting.

SO SUE ME

I heard somebody talking about this the other day and couldn't believe it. Now who in the world for a guy wants somebody to start calling him, Sue?

I just really wondered. And from the best I could figure this guy was talking like it was a punishment he was going to be given for something he did that somebody didn't like.

Is this a new form of punishment that suddenly became popular? I just had to wonder. Because the last I heard there was nothing special or new about the name Sue.

Not that should make it a name you stick on some guy for messing up. Makes me wonder if some guy got really pissed at some gal named Sue so he decided it would be a good way of punishing some guy he disliked.

What I want to know is how does this work if the person you are mad at is a girl? I don't think she would be upset about being called Sue.

It is funny how some people get the craziest ideas of what is a good thing. And as far as I'm concerned I just can't get it with this thing.

I really tried, but it just didn't seem that having somebody call me Sue would scare me all that much. Mainly because I would go around telling anybody that was the name this guy was calling me.

Well of course I might encourage him to stop it too. That wouldn't be too hard I imagine with the use of my little wooden belt.

It is amazing how much easier it makes conversation that ending up in some argument. I got to admit that sometimes I find a person that doesn't quite get it the first time, so normally it takes a couple of extra whacks.

Then providing he is still conscious he normally listens to reason. If he is unconscious, at least we don't have an argument any longer.

Meanwhile, I think I need to find out more on this darn Sue thing. Now I guess is also involves legally changing your name.

That is because I heard the same fella talking about getting a lawyer. But that sure seems like a lot of work to go through just because somebody wants to start calling you Sue.

And I also wonder if you get any other choices. I mean if you start calling enough guys Sue it would sort of lose the point to me.

Well, I hope whatever happens nobody ends up wanting to call me Sue. And if they do, they don't tell me. Because let me tell you if they try it and are really snotty, I'm likely to give them some extra good reason to hate me. But I'll just leave that to you to think about for now in case you are the type to run around calling people Sue.

BREAKING GLASS IN CASE OF EMERGENCY

Okay, I kind of like this idea. If you have an emergency and it is stressing you out breaking something can definitely be a way to get your mind off your troubles.

Of course I've seen this written on pieces of glass like ones covering some fire extinguisher. But no where does it say who gives you permission to break the glass and does any particular glass count more than a different one.

I think this is one of those things were you can kill two birds with one groan. Um, I mean where you can do those things at the same time.

So how this works as I see it is you find you know an emergency and then you pick up somebody you are pissed out and break the window on their car. Or perhaps you break a window in their house.

And if they happen to ask you can say it was the idea of the dude who told you breaking glass in case of an emergency was a good thing. Hopefully, the guy isn't some real big goon who decides to beat you to a pulp for breaking his glass.

That is another of those things they don't mention on the breaking of glass deal. They never mention that you might get pounded, which could result in an even bigger emergency.

Now does that mean if you end up with a second emergency from getting clobbered after breaking the glass that you need to break a second glass? Then what happens if the person whose glass you broke decides to beat you up too?

You know whoever thought up this breaking glass deal obviously forgot to mention that part. And frankly, I don't think it was a good thing to forget.

I wonder if this dude that came up with this stuff happens to have the kind of medical insurance that can help others out in case you do get clobbered? Seems like he ought to chip in something for having somebody break both your arms.

Well, I reckon the challenge is that I need to find the dude who first was the one who said breaking glass in emergencies was a good thing. Yeah, I bet that would be the best place to start.

Only I'm not sure where I would find him or her. I know, I'll ask the Reverend Analbe. He seems to always know who is to blame for stuff. Course with him it seems that the person who is to blame for most stuff is the devil.

I wonder if he would know where to find this devil jerk and tell him to stop passing out such rotten information? Oh I bet he would. And then I could even ask the Reverend to go and talk to this devil himself. Yeah, I bet he wouldn't mind. I mind he does spend all his time talking to God, so maybe he might enjoy having a different conversation.