NOT WITH MY DONUT YOU DON'T!

There are some things in life to me that you just never do. I don’t care what excuse you want to give in those situations you just don’t do it, period!

One of those for me has to do with donuts for breakfast. Well I should say donuts in general. That might seem like a weird comment about something like a donut, but you know to me eating donuts is more than just eating it is an event.

For me it is because I don’t get donuts any time I want. We normally only get them on special occasions. At home that is when my buddy, Otis, gets in this mood to have what he calls something special. So boy do I look forward to a few dozen warm donuts that are still dripping with grease. They are so incredible and give you a full feeling like nothing else.

Course if you get to eat enough of them then you mouth gets that wonderfully sickening sweet taste from too much glaze and grease. So you have wash down your donuts with a gallon or two of milk or if that doesn’t work you have to try a whole lot of hot chocolate. That really seems to do the trick to me.

Over at STINK having donuts is generally a special treat too. We have them whenever we are going to have a big meeting. Our boss Dr. Hemoglobin orders up a big batch of them.

The big pain though is normally we don’t get a chance to eat the donuts till after he gets through giving his speech. Like I or anybody is going to really think about what he says instead of thinking about all those nice tasty donuts waiting for us to eat.

Which is the part I hate the most. Because first you have to worry about whether somebody is going to sneak over to the donuts while you are sitting there and end up grabbing all the good ones. There is nothing more heartbreaking than going over to hope to pick out some luscious jelly filled or chocolate bar or even a apple fritter and all that is left is some stupid cake donut. Why do they call it a cake donut when it doesn’t look or taste like a cake? I don’t know, but all I do know is when you sit there hoping to sink your teeth into a nice tasty jelly filled and get stuck with a cake donut it just ain’t the same.

Beyond that heartache though the other thing that really bugs me is having to wait for our boss to stop talking. I keep hoping he doesn’t talk so long that the donuts get cold. Don’t get me wrong, that won’t keep me from eating them, but it just loses part of the joy when they could have been enjoyed while still warm.

I wish there was a way to get our boss to appreciate that at times. But then he kind of thinks talking is more important than donuts. Man is that a crazy idea or what? I do wonder about how anybody can have such strange ideas. He might be smart and all in some ways, but when it comes to junk like donuts I do have to say he leave me wondering just how smart he is. Guess when it comes to donuts and his talking I’ll never know for sure.

THANK YOU FOR SHARING

How come this really doesn’t have anything to do with giving? Ain’t sharing where you have something and give part of it to somebody else? That is what I thought.

But I guess there is some secret code or type of giving that don’t relate to regular sharing. At least it seems that way from what I heard the other day over at STINK.

Actually it was at STINK, but not about STINK in this case. We had this television in the break room that somebody brought in. We were sitting around and watching for the heck of it.

They put it on this thing called a talk show. Well heck that didn’t make much sense to me. I mean they were talking, but it wasn’t much of a show.

Anyway the dude in charge who they called the host was listening to people generally griping about all kinds of crap. Then he would ask the to share how that made them feel.

I’m sorry, but sharing to me is like passing around a plate of brownies or fresh baked cookies. Even a piece of cake is cool, but feelings? How do you eat them?

I’m telling you it just didn’t make any sense. I kept listening and every once and a while that guy who was the host would say “thank you for sharing.” Only the thing was about the only thing that happened was a lot of complaining.

The way I figure if they had taken the time to share something tasty then maybe they would be so in need of being upset about all the stuff that they were pissed about. And maybe a few more brownies and a little less talking and then you would have more them people smiling and not looking so grumpy.

I know they had this phone number to call for that thing called a talk show. So I dialed it and when it was my chance to talk I told them if they would stop bitching so much and do some real type of sharing maybe everyone would be a lot happier.

But I never got to talk to that host dude. They guy who answered the phone just sort of listened and then wanted to know if I wanted to be on the show. He said they had one coming up for people who were utterly stupid.

Well shoot, I thought about how I might help him out by getting on there with those other people and helping them to stop being so stupid. When I mentioned that it would be cool and asked him what kind of brownies they had to share he said they didn’t have any brownies.

Man I told him to forget it. I sure don’t want to waste time having to be around all those really dumb people if nobody is going bother offering my anything good to eat that they were willing to share. I explained all of that, but he hung up before I got a chance to explain the right kind of sharing. I guess I had a bad connection.

SUM FUN

I have trouble seeing this as really fun. I mean numbers are important, but fun? Not too me.

However there is this guy I know over at STINK who thinks counting junk is like being in heaven or something. My buddy Otis calls him a bean counter. Only I have to admit that I’ve never seen any count any beans. So I’m kind of skeptical about him really spending much time actually counting beans.

Plus that could get really messy as I see it. I could just see somebody sitting there and opening a big can of pork and beans and trying to count each bean. Even if you managed, what would be the point? It ain’t like they put the number of beans on the label for you to check to see if they are lying.

But regardless of that fact I do know that old Shelton, that’s his name, does have a real big hang up about numbers. He’s always carrying a calculator and if you do talk to him he will make sure that sooner or later Shelton will bring up the subject of counting.

I got nothing against counting. I do it for important stuff like counting jelly beans, but it isn’t like I can’t live without thinking about numbers like Shelton. For him he gets so completely jazzed by stuff like profit margins. As best as I can figure that is to me the about of margin space you have on a piece of paper when typing something. What is the benefit of seeing those empty margin spaces as a profit deal, I have no idea. I reckon it means you got more space to write other junk. Which I think to Shelton means it adds up in some way to something good. He’s always concerned with things adding up.

At the same time he also totally freaks out if he loses something. Man it is like some relative died or something. You should hear this guy go on and on fussing and feuding about loss. And at STINK he really gets stressed out if it involves the loss of a book.

I’m not sure why, but his main job at STINK is as our bookkeeper. Why we need anyone to keep a hold of our books I’m not sure. I mean we only have a few in the lunch room anyway. And he never seems to fret over those. But whenever he talks about what he calls a loss on the books, boy does he practically go berserk talking about it.

And he isn’t really all that grateful when somebody tries to help him either. Why shoot there was one day when he was groaning over this one loss and I felt sorry for him. So what I did was go out and get a couple of books to replace the ones he said he lost.

I figured he’d be so darn grateful when I gave them the books that he would be thrilled to have the ones without having had to pay for them. You would have thought he would have appreciated it. But he just looked at me like I was from Mars or something.

Too me I thought the books I gave him were really cool. Now I know not everyone is a big fan of comic books, but shoot a book is a book. Only he didn’t even say thank you. He just shook his head and mumbled something about me having a IQ deficit. I’m not sure what he meant by that, but I guess when I see him I’ll ask him if there is some pill you take for that like you do a vitamin deficiency.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK: "Being a pick pocket is suppose to be against the law. Unless it is the government. They can pick your pocket every pay day and say it is the law!"

COMFY

Oooh, the joy, the rapture, so glorious and wonderful is that feeling when you are free of your burdens and woes to relax and savor a single, simple succulent breath. Hmmm, let me see if I wrote that down correctly. I saw it written in the bathroom over at the library and it sounded pretty cool so I figured it was worth tossing in to this posting.

Don’t ask me what it means because I have no idea. But I just thought if you want stuff that makes you feel good and comfy does that then by golly some nice words can’t hurt. Besides it sort of reminds of how my buddy Otis talks after he’s had like three Spam sandwiches and a gallon off root beer, plus chips and potato salad of course. Shoot man while he’s sitting there feeling no pain and gobbling down a few brownies for desert he’ll start doing what he calls “waxing elephantly or eloquently or something along those lines.”

Sometimes he also calls it “pontificating,” which sure don’t sound any different than that other thing. Course the thing is to me with the wax one I still have never seen him come out with any wax or the elephant he’s supposed to wax. Which to me is too bad because if you are going to wax an elephant that might be really worth seeing.

In any case with my buddy comfy always ends up being something you have to talk about and always for a long time. That might be okay I guess if I always understood what the heck he was saying, but there a lot of time I don’t. So I basically end up being comfy by falling to sleep when he starts yapping too much.

As for me, well shoot, I know how to be comfy without even a need to blab to anyone. I just sit back and put on my cute and fuzzy slippers after I put on my pajamas and then have some hot chocolate while watching a cool movie. Oh I do have a snack with that though. Nothing much. Just for or five sandwiches, six or seven dozen cookies, some brownies, a half a gallon of ice cream and maybe three big bags of jelly beans. Course I always avoid going crazy and having too much to eat since that would spoil my appetite for dinner.

The only thing I do have to watch out for is when Otis decides I can’t be comfy unless he’s there too. The only chance I can let that turn into something really comfy is by making sure I give him plenty of snacks so he doesn’t have the time to talk.

Sometimes it works more than others. If I’m really lucky and stuff him enough he will end up falling asleep. Then I really get a chance to be comfy.

Well that is providing that he don’t ruin it by snoring too loud. Then it becomes tough because I have to decide, which is worse, listening to his snorting or talking.

Now whatever you do, don’t let Otis know that there have been a few times that I have well sort of used a pillow to stuff in his mouth to keep his snoring more tolerable when I didn’t want a lecture. The big trick to that though is making sure I don’t pick a pillow that is broke. Because I know he won’t but into the idea that a deranged bird flew into the house and he swallowed it the next time I use a pillow.

MISUNDERSTANDINGS

Boy is this an important subject. Well it is to me. That’s because there are just too many darn situations when people get all bent out of shape for the wrong reasons.

This really seems to happen a lot when I’m working with my buddy Otis as a grimefighter. I would have thought people would be more understanding when we make a mistake as a grimefighting super hero. Here we are trying to save the world from filth and grime and every once and a while we do something wrong.

Now maybe where you live your average every day super hero is some dude who is perfect. But not over where I work at STINK.

It ain’t like we mess up on purpose or anything. But sometimes we have one of those communication snafus and what we think we were suppose to do was totally different than what we actually did.

All of that is to say that somehow once and a while we end up with a misunderstanding and then when we act on it that leads to another misunderstanding in one way or another. And man let me tell you that sure can be a pain in the butt at times.

Which is because too many people just won’t take OOPS as an answer. They get all bent out of shape when you accidentally on purpose stuff them into a trash can because you got the description of a griminal wrong.

For some reason they don’t just want to accept that they looked guilty. Okay maybe I just thought they looked guilty. But I’m just following that golden rule about how a person is guilty until proven innocence. Er, at least I think it goes that way.

Anyway that is the way I understand it sort of. And we do the best we can to not mess up so it ain’t like we do I on purpose.

Oh I will admit that there are times when it might be a tad fun to savor those wonderful moments of OOPS when it leaves a person unconscious even by mistake. That I kind of because I don’t know a person who is lying their passed out from a visit with my bat just gives me a real satisfying feeling when I think they are guilty.

But later when I find out that it was all a misunderstanding I try to get them to appreciate how cool they looked lying on the ground. They just never seem to appreciate that part as much.

In any case these things happen. And that is what I try to explain to the person when they are getting off the ground and all pissed from being bashed for the wrong reason. Shoot sometimes I have to bash them again just because they don’t seem to be able to grasp it was all a misunderstanding.

At that point it ain’t an understanding I guess. But generally I don’t wait around to find out if they “get it.” That could always end with them needing to get it with my bat again.

AROUND AND AROUND

I heard this said about one of those wheels they spin with numbers on it. They will turn it and say something like “Around and around she goes and where she stops nobody knows.”

Now the first thing I want to know is how come this wheel is a she? As far I can tell the thing is an “it.” And let me tell you man these days with people getting so easily offended when you say something different about them I’m surprise nobody has griped about this one. It is sort of saying the wheel is fickle and can’t make up its mind. But I guess I better not say too much otherwise somebody will blame me for saying it.

Anyway once you get passed that weird question the next thing I wonder about is why do they say where she stops nobody knows. I mean the moment that the wheel stops everybody who sees it knows where it stopped. I tell you it makes it sound like it is some big secret and to me that just don’t work that way.

What is real crazy to me is when I saw one of these wheels over at this carnival people were paying to guess on what number it would stop at. Shoot I had not problem guessing, only I didn’t have to pay to do so. I just guessed. Seems simple to me.

But all those folks sure got worried over which number might be the one that ended up with the pointer on it. Didn’t upset me though.

The way I figured it would make more sense if you are going to pay to guess that you try doing it after you don’t have to guess. That way you will always be right.

And you know I tried to help by pointing it out to a bunch of people, but I didn’t find too many that wanted to stop paying to guess. They just sort of looked at me like I was weird. The way I figure it they were the weird ones since it wasn’t costing me anything to guess.

The funny thing too was that when somebody did guess right the guy operating the wheel would give them a stuffed animal. Shoot I hardly figured that some stuffed animal was a big deal. Why since that guy operating the wheel was being so generous when I did guess right I just went up and grabbed a stuff animal for myself.

He was sort of busy when I went up there so I just picked it up. But then I dropped it later and this other guy picked it up.

That’s when things got sort of ugly. The guy operating the wheel looked around and started complaining about how he was missing one of his stuff animals. Then he saw the other guy holding the one I picked up.

Man he sure went nuts in the process and started to beating on the guy who did have the stuffed animals. I left after that. I figured if the guy who operated the wheel was going to be some kind Indian giver I didn’t want to hang around and watch.

THE FILE

This has to be one of the scariest things I know. At least over at STINK. Because the one thing I know is if I mess it that fact always goes into MY FILE. And I know that can’t be good!

What I know about this file is somebody keeps it in their pants. That sounds totally weird and disgusting, but I distinctly remember how I head them say the file was being put in a drawer. Why they would keep any file in somebody’s drawers I have no idea, it just don’t sound very good to me.

I mean even if you wanted to take a peek at this file I sure wouldn’t want to do it after somebody had been keeping it in their underwear. That just ain’t appealing to me.

I reckon that is one way of keeping them safe though. I know there is no way I’m walking up to anybody and sticking my hand down their pants to grab some file. That a darn sure way of getting beat up if you ask me.

I do wonder though if the person does take out the file before they change their underwear or do something else that requires them to change clothes? It seems like a fair question to me.

Now personally I’m not even clear on why they actually need to have this file thing. I would have thought judging from some of the things I’ve heard people say that wouldn’t have much trouble remembering the stuff they put in my file.

Lord knows old rat boy Junior Hemoglobin never forgets. Every time I see him he brings up something I did that he remembers and is suppose to be in my file. God I sure hope they don’t stick my file in HIS pants. That would really cheese me off. Darn I should never mention cheese and Junior in the same paragraph. Otherwise somebody might think I’m saying it is a good thing.

Well I don’t think I really want to find out for sure. And perhaps what I’ll do is figure out a way to start my own group of files. Since everyone freaks out when you mention them at STINK maybe it will be a good thing if I do it myself.

I’m not sure I want to put them in my underwear though. That sounds kind of painful. Well at least when the file has staples in it. I know that from past experience. Let me tell you staples can really leave some nasty scratches!

I suppose that is another in a long line of questions that I’ll have to figure out the answers to later. In the meantime I think I’ll drop by the stationary store and see if they have a bunch of different kinds of files. I ask that nice lady who works there which ones she prefers for sticking in your pants. I bet she’ll know. Gee I reckon she might even help give me a few pointers on the best way to even do this whole thing. Guess I’ll find out soon enough. I just hope she still works there. The last time I was in there and was talking to her about whether they made staplers that you could use for toilet paper substitute (it was just an idea) she mentioned needing a vacation before I came back. I hope she had a good time.

SYSTEMS

Man if there is one word to me that gets over used in our little world it is this one. When somebody uses it they seem to be implying whatever they are doing is organized and efficient. Those big, fat liars!

I don’t want to necessarily be unkind to folks who have a love for junk like systems. All I’m saying is that as far I’ve noticed most of the stuff people make a big deal about involving systems never quite works as good as they claim, if it works at all.

Take computers for example. They all have what is called an operating system. That is suppose to make the thing actually work, right? Well you sure couldn’t tell by me.

I mean over at STINK we got computers. And I bet they are great when they work. But it seems whenever I go over there to check on something the darn computer is being upgraded has crashed or just plain isn’t working for one reason or another.

Not to be one that doesn’t care I have done my part to try and help. Why heck the other day you know they had a situation where the mentioned the computer had this virus.

Heck I didn’t even know a computer could get a cold. But apparently it can. So I figured I’d tried to fix it while they were concentrating on junk like programs and other stuff that I never have time to figure out.

So I went over and got me a big bottle of cough syrup. Then when nobody was around I poured the whole bottle into this one slot on the computer. I guess it helped since the computer did start hissing and let out a puff of smoke. I assume that meant it was trying to do its version of coughing.

I’m a not big one for wanting to take credit for helping. So I just left while the computer was making all that noise and figured I’d come back later and see how happy the dudes were that had been trying to help cure that virus problem.

I guess the poor computer was worse off than I imagined. Later I ask and they told me that it had crashed. Shoot I didn’t even know it could drive. They also mentioned about how its motherboard was fried. Well live and learn I guess. I didn’t know the computer had a mother or she had a board and why would you fry a board in the first place.

In any case I guess that computer was a lot sicker than I expected because they now have a new one. I can’t wait to get a chance to check it out. I wonder if it has a mother too? Hmmm, I suppose there are Mother’s Day cards that a computer can send to its mom.

Maybe I’ll go shopping and see if I can find one for this new computer to show it I’m a caring kind of dude. I’m not sure where I’ll put that card, but I guess it has a slot somewhere you can stick such a thing. While I’m at it maybe I’ll also pick up a few jelly beans it can have to give it its mom. I bet I can stuff them in that slot too.

CHEWING GUM FLAVOR

Is this really all that important? I do have to ask. I’m not a big user of chewing gum, but I do know it sure doesn’t take long before it stops tasting like whatever and has no taste at all. So you end up just chewing it to chew it. I mean all you can do is chew since you can’t eat it.

As for me, my teeth and tummy have this deal. Nothing gets attention from my teeth that my tummy ain’t shouting, “Me, me, me too.”

Well, I can’t speak for anyone else, but I can tell you that the one thing I have no desire to do is piss my tummy off. It just has too many ways to get even that can make you wish you were dead instead of putting up with that feeling.

And that’s why I can get too excited about chewing gum in general. I just know the moment my stomach detects something sweet in my mouth it turns on the juices and gets ready for something tasty.

Which is more than anything my main point. I mean since chewing gum really don’t keep much flavor real long why bother to give it a flavor at all. Oh, I’m not saying you want to give it a bad flavor either. That would be just plain dumb and stupid. Who would want say a chewing gum that tasted like say a kitty litter box? Yuck is all I can say to that idea.

But couldn’t they do something to give it more flavor if that is suppose to be a big deal? I just think that would sure make a different for me.

Now one idea I thought might work is if you say offered something really good to eat that you could munch on BEFORE you chewed the gum. That way your tummy wouldn’t be griping or feel disappointed if you were just sitting there doing nothing, but chewing later. Seems fair to me.

I wonder if we could get the chewing gum people to work on it? You know like putting a gift certificate in their gum that gives you a free lunch at some fast food place. Yeah I think that would be extra cool. A certificate for say about ten burgers and fries and a couple of gallons of pop ought to tied a person over for a while.

Course I suppose those darn gum people wouldn’t be so inclined to cooperate on that part. Yeah I kind of have a feeling they would think otherwise. After all they do sell something you can chew and not actually eat. So I guess I have to make allowance for the reality that they might be lacking in terms of understanding the importance of real food.

There are ways to cure that problem. Maybe I’ll see if I can mail them a few jelly beans to help give them a hint that there are better things to do with your mouth than get a chance to chew without actually eating. Heck I might even include an instruction book if that would help. Couldn’t hurt I reckon.

SHOUT IT WITH A CROWD

Oh yeah this can be fun. Providing the shouting is a cheer and not a bunch of pissed off people. That kind of crowd isn’t one that normally is a lot of fun.

Believe me I know the difference. And let me tell you if you don’t know the difference it can end up being down right painful.

There was a time when my buddy Otis and I were on the trail of a real creep of a griminal. I’m telling you from the evidence we saw this person was a real slime ball. Talk about littering. Man I can’t begin to give details for fear it might gross some people out.

Well the thing is we keep following this suspect, that is a person you know is guilty, but can’t prove it. I keep hearing them talking about guilt beyond a shadow of doubt. Shoot shadows or no shadows never affected whether I felt some jerk of a suspect was guilty.

Anyway we finally caught up with the person I was convinced was a lying, dirty rotten filth spewing creep. I got to him before Otis could arrive so I started making sure I got him to confess and save time once my buddy did finally arrive.

And nothing to me achieves that better than using my bat. Yep, a few whacks really can be a great attention getter.

So there I was whacking on this creep and all of sudden people gathered around me and got all upset because I was teaching him lesson. Can you believe they had the unmitigated gall to talk about some stupid idea regarding the rights of the accused. I don’t care if somebody I’m accusing is right handed, that don’t keep me from wanting to be sure he confesses.

And I tried to explain that to everyone. That’s the time I sure wish I had a badge as well as a beanie. But in any case after I started explaining about how this jerk was a slime ball and made messes a lot and was generally a rotten guy they sort of calm down. By the time Otis got there I was pretty satisfied that thing were okay.

It might have even stayed that way too if it hadn’t been for that darn old lady who came by. There I was standing over the suspect, bat in hand and feeling pretty darn good and having a few of the people even talking about me being a hero.

That’s when that old lady shouted out “What do you think you are doing to my church’s Pastor?”

Boy did the crowd sure get huffy after that. Happy, wasn’t the word for the way they behaved!

Well like I said they sure did change and we’re the least bit understanding about me making an little mistake. I nearly managed to say OOPS before we ended up running down the street and losing them after ducking behind this dumpster.

Thought for the week: They say time flies when you're having fun. But does that mean it if sprangs a wing you only get to chuckle?"

SLIM THICKENS

I heard them talking about the “plot” thickening in this movie about murder and a cop and this really bad guy. There was all this planning going on and from best as I could figure the whole purpose of the planning was so the bad guy could bump off this other guy and make sure he ended up in a cemetery plot. How you thicken a cemetery plot, I’m not sure. Maybe you use a different type of grass or something. But I still don’t figure how that would be a good thing, except perhaps if you liked making life miserable for the poor cemetery worker who had to take care of that grass.

All I know is in this movie whenever the bad guy had some new idea or plan it had to do with the plot thickening. Which sure seemed like it wasn’t very impressive as far as I’m concerned. It all made it sort of slim in terms of being thick you know what I mean. Heck I’m not sure I understood it well enough myself.

Anyway with this thickening stuff I did get the impression the bad guy thought it was a good thing. As for the detective dude, he seemed to treat it as pain in the butt.

I’ve been giving this thickening thing some thought and the one idea that comes to mind is I wonder if it is like when you want to make gravy thicker. Well that is the only thing I could think of you sort of need to thicken on purpose. Oh I know how sour milk can be thicker that regular milk, but who wants that, YUCK!

I went back and watched that movie again and didn’t see any flour anywhere. So then I figured if the plot was what was going to be thicken then probably they had the dude working at the cemetery using it.

Not wishing to be careless in checking out the facts I decided I would call up the local cemetery and find out if they had any special rules about plot thickenings? You know like do they charge by the amount that has to be thickened? And do they have some kind of test to determine if you have a valid reason for needing to have a plot thicken. Maybe you got to take a bad guy test to be sure. Only I don’t know why the cemetery dude would want to mess with some bad guy.

Which makes me think the bad guy probably lies about being a bad guy and gives some lame excuse to see if he can get the cemetery dude to do this thickening thing. That’s when I decided it was best to call them direct to find out.

Well the first person listened while I explained about the gravy thing, bad guys and plot thickenings. She listened and then put my on hold for a while.

Afterwards she had me talk to this guy who must be in charge of telling people the location in a cemetery of a given funeral. She called him the funeral director. So I was explaining to him all about my question and he did listen. When I got done though he didn’t really help answer my question much. He seemed to think that I might benefit from talking to a doctor. But I don’t think going to see the guy who helps me when I have a cold would explain the thickening problem. So it is still pretty slim thickening too me.

BY THE LIGHT OF THE MOON

So is there something special about this that I don’t know or haven’t figured out. You take a night, you put a moon in it and you get some light. Maybe not as good as day, but some, depending if whether it is a full moon or one of those “almost” moons.

The reason I even am asking is because of this song I heard that mentioning dancing the light of a silvery moon. Now I’ve personally never seen any moon made of silver so I guess if I did see one I might be prone to be so excited I would give dancing a shot.

What I want to know is this one of those moons you can only see in certain places in the world? I just figure if that is the case then it might be nice to find out in case I ever have a chance to visit the place for myself.

I wouldn’t be surprised if it had something to do with those things called eclipses. That’s where you get dark instead of light. It probably is when somebody forgot to pay the light bill and doesn’t want to admit it.

Now that could really be noticeable at night so I can imagine you would have a whole lot of reason to be dancing if you thought the light of the moon helped keep people from knowing you didn’t pay your light bill. Otherwise, that moonlight is okay, but just not day. I mean it is nice to have when it is dark. I just wish I could find out who is in charge of it and have them turn it up just a notch or two.

Oh I don’t mean so you would know the difference between day and night. I wouldn’t want to confuse anyone on those two. Otherwise you might not know for sure when to got to sleep at night and then get all mixed up and end up sleeping during the day when you should be doing other junk.

I know enough people who use any excuse to nap as it is, they don’t need any help. So I don’t reckon I want to give them any extra reason to be sleeping.

Still for everyone else though you sure could benefit I reckon by having the moon just a little lighter. At least enough so if you drop your keys on the ground in the middle of the night you could see them better rather than getting on your hands and needs and looking stupid.

And for me I do enough things that leave people scratching their heads, I don’t need any help. Gosh I wonder who is in charge of moonlight anyway? I bet it is somebody in the government. I would say the utility company, but they don’t advertise so I reckon maybe it ain’t them.

I suppose it could be that part of the government I heard on the radio called the shadow government. Yeah that would probably be it. They make sure to decide how many shadows you get and when. Do you reckon they have tax on that? I never heard of it being on the tax form you got to fill out. But then if they fill it out under moonlight maybe they make it hard to read? Guess this is another of those questions that will have to wait for another day to find out. Hopefully, when the lights are on.

HOME SCHOOLS

As far as I can figure I think this has to be somebody’s idea of a real weird joke. The only thing that confused me was that I heard about it on the radio. Some lady said she had decided to home school her kids. Then she went on to talk about the apartment that they lived in.

I can tell you one thing, if that lady is going to home school her kids she should start by actually having a HOME! I mean I like living in an apartment. It’s not bad. My buddy and Otis and I have enjoyed calling our apartment for quite a while.

But the one thing I sure would never do is try and start some school to teach people about homes. And if I ever did decide too I think the first thing I would do is figure out a way to get myself a house before trying to teach others about them.

I do have to wonder who in the world even needs to be taught about homes in the first place. Where in the world does a person live that they don’t know what a home is? You do have to wonder.

I tell if that lady even has a need to teach her kids what a home is you kind of wonder what she’s been telling them up till now. What did she do when they went some place and passed a bunch of homes? I really got to wonder.

Now I can accept that perhaps and I say perhaps there might be a person or two who grew up in a cave and might not have seen a home very often. But never? I’ve heard of living a sheltered life, but could you actually have been kept in some place that was a shelter other than a home? I can’t even imagine what poor person had that kind of childhood.

Back in Nebraska where I come from we spent most of our time living in a tree house, but we did call it a house. And even though it was kind of drafting and cold in the winter we still had seen a house before.

However I should make allowances I reckon for how everyone is different. And if there somebody out there who needs to be taught what a home is then I sure think they should be given the chance.

I’m just not show how you convince somebody that has never seen a house what it is compared to say a tent or an apartment. Maybe by size. Yeah, that might work. Houses are generally bigger than an apartment.

Oh yeah, I guess to keep from confusing some people you wouldn’t want to forget to teach them how they don’t have wheels. I mean there are motor homes. So you probably would need to explain how they don’t have motors or wheels. Gosh now that I think of it perhaps that really is something some people might not know.

And if by chance you are reading this and have never seen a home well I would suggest you go over to say the library. I’m sure they could show you a picture or something. They might even be able to find information about what is called the “homestead” act. I think that is where you act up because you got a home instead of an apartment.

KEEPING UP THE GOOD WORK

Does this sound stupid to you? I mean who would say something like keep up the bad work? Well not if they were smart. So it just seems kind of dumb to even say it.

After all if a person is doing good work then aren’t they likely to keep it up anyway whether you say something or not? It just seems to make sense that’s all.

Nope, what we need is a way to get the jerks to stop keeping up the bad work! Maybe like stop goofing off or I’ll bash your brains in!

Yeah, I like that part! I just wish that my pal Otis would see it that way when I get pissed because some lazy butt over at STINK isn’t pulling his own weight around the place. I want to reason with him by giving him a few lessons with my bat, Otis just wants to bore them with his talking and giving them a lecture. Frankly I think sometimes they get off their buns and start moving just to shut him up.

Well that is one of those stupid and annoying problems that ain’t going to go away any time soon! I wish it could be otherwise. But it don’t work that way.

What I also wish is that you know there was a way of sort of discouraging folks and keeping them from doing such good work when it is really not a good thing. Like if I have to deal with a real nasty griminal who is real good at being bad. I sure don’t want to give them any inspiration that will encourage them that’s for sure.

The thing is I like to be consisted with this thing and appreciate how my goal is to make the person change what they are doing. If they are fat and lazy then I want to clobber them till the get the message to change. If they are mean and nasty and too darn good at being bad then I want to clobber them to make them stop doing that and also change. Basically to me clobbering is a great way of making them change.

But like I said Otis doesn’t see it that way. He believes in what he calls reforming people. That has to do with making them want to do things different and figuring a creative way of having to tell them keep up the good work even if you mean, stop being such a lazy jerk.

I don’t imagine Otis will ever change in deciding the cool thing to do is to talk to them to death. Man you can believe me when I never tell him keep up the good work on that part. It doesn’t matter believe you, me because boy he sure ain’t going to change for anybody.

So we just end up stumbling out way around on this good work business. I let him ramble and talk to each person as much as he wants. Then when he isn’t looking I normally get me bat and do what I can to make sure they understand the message real loud and clear. Sometimes they even manage to regain consciousness too before Otis starts talking to them again. And when they don’t that is okay too since my buddy just assumes that their silence means they are listening. I don’t bore him with explaining either!

TAKE OUT

Ah now when this applies to food it is wonderful. You call ahead for something like a pizza or even burger in fries in some cases and then you don’t have to wait when you go to get it. I like the not waiting part.

I guess with donuts it is sort of take out too, only you don’t have to call ahead. You just go and pick it up. It is just too bad more things can’t be take out, which I think of as super easy and no waiting.

Well, I suppose that technically a lot of stuff is kind of take out in one way or another. I mean it does come down to going over to wherever and buying something and taking it out. But I suppose it is more the idea of waiting that gets me. I mean to me real take out is sort of the idea of you get it right away. And most places that involve buying stuff are not fast. You ended up waiting forever in some long line and that is boring.

So I want take out that is real take out. The kind that allows you to truly feel it is worth going into the store. Which sure don’t happen enough in my book. Far less than I like.

I’m just not sure how to improve on this option in terms of getting places where you have to buy stuff to take the hint that waiting ain’t cool. And I really don’t like those places that have the “take a number” type of lines. Those really piss me off. I mean they are practically shouting that you are going to have to wait.

Now I do realize a lot of those places are not advertising themselves as take out places. But to me they sure do get your hopes up when you first go inside and think, gee this will only take a moment. Only a half an hour later you are still standing in some stupid line worrying if your ice cream is going to melt before you get out of the place.

And what is the deal with these stupid smoker jerks. I mean if they want to kill themselves off that is their business, but why do they have the right to make me wait a heck of a long time before I get out of the store?

First of all they go up and ask for some brand of cigarette that is never at the check out counter. So the darn clerk has to go off for like ten minutes to hunt for what they want. They when they bring it back it turns out the person still wanted a different type of the same brand. I mean JEEZ that is so darn boring.

If there is one thing that is darn right boring it is having to sit there while this jerk ties up the line just to buy something like cigarettes. I really think that if there is one place that should have take out it is one that sells cigarettes. I just don’t know why they couldn’t have somewhere that those people could go and get one they want and not risk me having my ice cream melt while waiting for them to get their stupid cigarettes.

Well next time I’m in the store I think I’ll offer that up as a suggestion. Providing I can find some clerk who isn’t too busy hunting for cigarettes to be able to talk to them.

ON BEING POLITE

I’m writing this posting mainly to gripe. What is the big deal about being polite? How come it is so dang important with some situations and not others? Is there some law that says you HAVE to be polite?

If there is I’m not aware of it. And so what happens if you aren’t polite? Well nothing good I suppose, but I’m not sure being polite always ends up in you having good things happen to you either.

What I do know that polite only works with nice things like nice people. You never heard of a polite bad guy. Come to think of it you don’t hear of a polite super hero type either.

Polite to me is sort of reserved for people who are thought of as nice like grannies and ministers and stuff. Well that is unless you are talking about say the Reverend Analbe. I wouldn’t call him polite when he drops by for a visit and always ends up making me feel guilty just for breathing and then still hogs all the good stuff to eat like donuts. That isn’t polite to me.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying being polite is necessarily a bad thing. All I’m saying is that I sure wish that it wasn’t the kind of think only certain people had to do.

Of course I do appreciate how it might be hard for say a general to be polite. I just don’t think that he could shout stuff like “charge and kill em all” and then add please afterwards. It just wouldn’t work.

Somewhere along the way I sort of got the idea that rude is the opposite of being polite. Only I’m not as convinced as I used to be about that part.

Rude is well, being darn right nasty. And you can be other than polite without getting rude. At least by that I mean you can talk to someone and not say please enough, which seems to be the big part of polite and still not be rude.

Anyway what has cheesed me off about this polite thing is because my buddy Otis brought this up the other day. There we were out chasing down some griminals and after we busted the creep Otis gave me this lecture regarding how important it was that we act professional in terms of being grimefighters. Somewhere in the middle of all of that he mentioned this polite thing. I just didn’t feel that it applied.

But it didn’t keep him from giving me a lecture. I tell you folks to me if I catch a griminal I’m going to be sure he gets treated like a griminal. And if that means being other than somebody who says please a lot then so be it. I don’t care if Otis feels that catching some ten year-old kid littering should be treated different than with some adult grimefighter. For myself the only time it matters is when the ten year old kid as a dad who is a professional wrestler. Then polite is a way of making sure he doesn’t turn you into a pretzel.

DOWN UNDER

I’ve spent a lot of time wondering about this. I mean I understand it has to do with the place called Australia. Only I’ve looked at a map and I haven’t been able to see what it is under to be called down under. It just makes me think that perhaps the person coming up with that idea is the one who is down under. That is in terms of being under something that gives them brain drain.

Anyway I guess this isn’t necessarily a bad thing. At least if everyone there is down under something I haven’t noticed them complaining very much. So maybe they are just so used to being under something they don’t have much reason to complain any longer.

I can’t imagine getting a chance to visit there, but if I ever do I think I want to make sure I do so without ending up under something myself. Because you can be sure that I don’t want to act any crazier than I already am.

What I also am curious about is whether this Australia is the only down under place or are there others. And by any chance does it have much to do with say being upside down. I think that is sort of important to find out too.

I mean perhaps they got a big problem with gravity or something and end up spending a lot of time upside down for some reason. Personally, that isn’t my idea of a fun way to spend time, but then maybe that is their idea of a good time.

I don’t think I’m going to ask either. I mean they do seem like cool folks to a degree. They are always saying stuff like “good-day” and mate and nice stuff like that. So how can you not think somebody who spends wanting to wish you a good day to be other than nice.

Plus it must be a real cool place if they have somebody there named after a crocodile. Heck I don’t know anybody around here even named after any animal. So besides being nice they apparently are nice to animals too. That ain’t bad.

I wonder too if perhaps they were the ones who invented pineapple up-side down cake? I mean shoot if you are spending a lot of time standing on your head maybe you need an upside down cake in order to make it look okay. Gee do you think they might get confused by any cakes that didn’t have a way for you to tell the top from the bottom? Gosh that would be sort of a pain I imagine.

Well maybe I’ll give some thought to ways I can sort of get in practice for any time I might get a chance to visit over in Australia. I’ll give a shot at eating some pineapple cake while standing on my head. It might be tricky trying to drink any milk though. Perhaps with a straw I can get the hang of it.

I know I can call over there and ask somebody. Yeah I bet it wouldn’t cost too much to use the phone. I’m sure Otis won’t mind. I’ll even try it at night to keep the cost down. I wonder what the area code for down under is?

Thought for the week: How come when a person has a 'big ego' it generally means they have are 'small minded'?"

THE SPACE RACE

I heard this crazy thing about the idea that at one time this had to do with racing to the moon. God what moron thought that up? I mean how the heck you going to race to the moon when they got no roads that can get you there? Plus even if they did, the moon is so darn far away that you’d never make it there on a tank of gas. So the idea of racing to the moon was just plain silly to me.

Anyway it is fun to see the kinds of silly crap some people come up with. I personally got a feeling that you know somebody was drinking some of that stuff that makes you act stupid at times. So after too much they ended up you know thinking up some crazy stuff like about racing to the moon.

Well I would love to go on all day about the stupidity of talking about racing to the moon, but that isn’t the most important part of this posting. I want to talk about a real kind of space race.

What I’m referring to in this case it the race to find enough space for all the junk we got back in our apartment. At least that is how I feel about it whenever my buddy, Otis, gets in the mood to decide we need to figure a way to use what storage space we’ve got more efficiently. That is the word he always uses when he means we have to somehow take our closets and get rid of some perfectly good stuff so we can make room for other junk.

I guess I don’t mind parting with a few things. I just wish Otis and I could agree on what is stuff that should be thrown away. That part we never do.

Otis always wants me to get rid of my old magazines. I mean it ain’t like there are going to spoil or anything. But he sure says they need to go.

As for me, well shoot, you never know when an old magazine might come in handy. Maybe I want to read one of the stories in it again. True I never do, but I might want to.

But I do often end up parting with them. That is because I’m really hoping to get some new magazines to put in their places.

Otis though has his own ideas. And it depends on what his mood happens to be. Like the time he decided we should stock up on books. I thought he was being downright goofy on that part. I mean shoot the books he wanted us to keep didn’t even have any pictures. Where is the fun in that?

Thank goodness this space race never lasts with Otis. It normally ends when we have managed to find room for whatever it is he thinks we need to find room for. Then life goes back to normal for a while. Long enough to feel good that my magazines are safe for a while. That is good enough to let me keep the closet closed and feel safe that those magazines are okay for a while. Providing I can even closed the door. But that is for a different posting.

DANCE CARDS

I was thinking this was probably like some kind of bingo thing or trading card like baseball cards. Actually I sort of heard about this dance card during a movie when this lady talked about having her dance card full. So I reckoned she must have had a whole scrap full of them.

I haven’t personally seen any of them, but I bet they probably have something to do with that ballet thing. Which shouldn’t be confused with you know a ballot. Trust me the one thing you don’t want to do when try to vote is any dancing, ballet or otherwise. Those folks don’t appreciate the thought, that’s for sure.

So what I’m thinking is you know, that perhaps this is one of those things where there some bunch of ballet addicts out there who love trading ballet cards. And they love to get autographs from their famous super ballet dudes. Whoever they are.

I do sort of wonder what kind of bubble gum there is that has these cards with them and where they sell them. It sure isn’t anywhere that I’ve heard about.

But then not being a dancing kind of guy I got to admit I’m not too excited by all of this as far as trading the cards myself. Or even collecting them for that matter.

Does make me wonder if they perhaps have a ballet hall of fame somewhere like they have for baseball. You reckon it is shaped like a giant pink tutu? If so, I don’t think I want to visit.

I don’t want to be unkind here, but you know being a super hero type I just don’t think my fans, providing I get some, would understand me coming out of a giant pink tutu shaped building. So I guess I’ll just have to let any of those ballet dance cards lovers worry about that part.

Just goes to show you never know what all will appeal to people these days. It is so hard to say. Although I got to admit if ever come across that giant pink tutu building and saw somebody I know coming out of it I’m not sure I would say hi. That would lead to talking about why I was there and well, I think I’ll pass.

You know maybe this whole thing is still under construction and not finished anyway? Yeah I bet that is it. I mean ballets including music by symphony as a far as I recall. So I wonder if that one Beethoven never got around finishing is somehow messing up them getting the building finished.

Well I guess if I ever happen to run into Beethoven guy I might get a chance to ask him. But then with my luck he’s out trying to collect those ballet dancing cards. And I don’t suppose we would be likely to see each other in that case.

Now if you happen to see him feel free to ask him about the card thing. And also when he figures he might get around to finishing that song.

ON TIME

Is this a silly comment or what? I always thought it was weird that they make a big deal about this regarding things like planes, trains and buses. Pretty much anything that has a time schedule.

We don’t do this with other stuff involving transportation though. Like people driving regular cars. Nobody seems to worry if those run on time. But when you see all the people who are speeding it does make you wonder if perhaps they ought to be more worried about the on time thing.

And how come it doesn’t apply to repair people? I mean why is it okay when you waiting the cable repair dude he’s not Mr. On time, but Mr. I’ll get there when I darn well feel like it! Doesn’t this dude own a watch or what?

It is like with car mechanics. I never have to worry about it with my moped, but my buddy and I, Otis have had to take a diaper service van in for repairs on some occasions. Let me tell you, “on time” with those jerks more like “check back with me in two days” time of on time. Yeah that is really helpful!

Now if you really want to talk about people who have no clue on the subject of on time, let’s talk about doctors. They may be professionals at healing folks, but you just better be darn sure you don’t have a sickness and need healed in a hurry. At least not until you have finished filling out the insurance paperwork. For some reason they can’t cure you without that paperwork.

Course that is just part of the fun with this on time thing. There are other exciting places that “on time” are sort of a joke. Like at the post office. I mean on time there is basically on the time when they don’t have to take a lunch break. That always comes after you’ve waited in line with about a dozen other people first. In fact I really wonder why the even bother to put a clock up in the place. I guess it is just to torture you with the illusion they ever bother to look at it.

I think instead of on time we sure have on no time for a category. It sure would fit more situations than this on time thing.

At least with my garbage route it doesn’t matter much, which to me is sort of weird though. I mean if you don’t pick up garbage it will eventually rot and really stink. But nobody stands out there and looks at their watch waiting to gripe at us if we are late since most people are asleep when we pick up their garbage. I guess I’m grateful for that part. I don’t really want somebody giving me an attitude that time of the morning. I might be inclined to dump their garbage on their heads if they did.

In the meantime, I think I’m going to point out to the airlines how “delayed” isn’t a good option to “on time.” I think they ought to call it “on oops” since you know darn well somebody screwed up when they are delayed. Just getting them to admit it isn’t that easy. Perhaps with a little help though. Like using my bat on some snooty counter person the next time they try smiling and trying to blame a lack of on time as being due to some stupid clouds and bad weather. Like I should believe that one!

BY GOLLY

Okay who is this golly person that needs credit for the by part. And what by is that anyway? I have no idea myself.

It does cheese me off a bit when somebody I’ve never heard of gets so dang famous to have their named bantered around like they were your best friend. Is that really fair to those of us who are say super heroes and don’t get any credit?

Still I guess it wouldn’t work to say something like By Philo and have it make any sense to somebody else. Maybe I could work on it, but then I reckon I would have to worry about somebody saying by Philo and it end up getting me blamed for whatever.

So I suppose as they say fame does have a price. And if it is more than ten dollars then I’m out of luck since you know it is between pay days for me. Plus when it does come I get kind of tight on spending money because it always seems to come around the time they are having sales at the candy store.

I reckon this golly person doesn’t have that problem I suppose. It must be nice to have the kind of high paying job where you can afford the price of fame.

Although, I do have to admit that it bugs the heck out of me when you know that perhaps only some rich dude can pay what it cost to get famous. I wonder if there is a bank that will give you a loan for that purpose?

Maybe it would be a good investment? Yeah providing I could figure out how the fame part would end up making me some money?

I reckon I could charge for things like beating up griminals or something? It does seem like a challenge though. I mean it just doesn’t appear to me that if I went to beating some griminal senseless for committing grimes that he would be willing to pay me for the effort?

Perhaps there is a secret to it that I haven’t been told about yet? Yeah, by golly — darn, there I go even doing that. Boy I sure hope this golly person doesn’t find out. I sure don’t want to get a bill for saying that. Well, if nobody blabs then perhaps that golly person won’t come knocking on my door and demanding some bucks.

I imagine that is another of those things they call mysteries that I will need time to figure out. I’ll have to add it to the other stuff I’ve heard people say that I still need time to totally understand.

In time though I’ll have them all understood that’s for sure. And right after I finish with this by golly business I’m starting on that saying “good-bye drool world.” I sure don’t want to visit that world and I can’t blame anyone for saying good-bye. All I want to know is where do I go to get a map to make sure I never stop there by accident. There are some things you just never want to do like being somewhere that they drool constantly.

CAN'T TOUCH THIS

I heard this as part of some song. Well, I guess you call it singing. They call it “wrap” music. Only it seems mainly to be talking and not singing to me. I suppose the wrap part for me is because trying to listen to it makes me want to wrap my ears with my hands.

Being that I’m a writer and understand what is called the “artistic” soul, I sure don’t want to gripe about anything people do that is considered “artistic.” That includes this wrap music stuff.

As for that song where they talk about “can’t touch this” that makes sense since the dude probably is spending his time with his hands over his ears from that wrap stuff. You sure can’t touch anything if you keep your hands on your ears can you?

I do wonder though if this is sort of like complaining and being upset about something where you screwed something up. I mean if it was your fault then you can’t be pissed at somebody else can you? People still do it though.

So I was thinking that perhaps if this dude singing this “can’t touch this” song or whatever you want to call it stopped singing he wouldn’t have to hold his ears. Then he could touch whatever.

Course the problem would be that then he wouldn’t have anything to sing about I guess. That sort of would make that whole song kind of pointless wouldn’t it? But then if he could touch crap he wouldn’t need to sing about it either.

Gee I wonder if the guy singing that song has thought of any of those things? I kind of doubt it or perhaps he wouldn’t be still singing that song. Well, that is the artistic soul for you. Sometimes I get it sort of clogs your brain in some way.

I don’t know, I think I’ll have to work on studying this whole wrap music thing a bit farther before I understand it completely. Although I’m not that fond of just keeping my hands on my ears all the time.

Maybe I could wrap my ears with something else? Yeah that might work. I see some of those wrap music dudes wearing those ski cap type of hats on their heads. So perhaps they cover their ears do they don’t have to tie up their hands.

Gee, I wonder if one of those caps will fit under my beanie? I don’t mind learning more about wrap music, but I sure don’t want to mess with wearing my beanie.

About the only good thing I can say out of all of this is that if that guy is talking about not being able to touch things, then I bet he gets to eat many jelly beans. Which for me is good news since it means less competition. On second thought perhaps I should not do anything to let these wrap dudes touch stuff. No reason to risk having another hand reaching for the jelly beans.

TEMPTING

Oh man is this a bad thing or what? I heard all about temptation from the Reverend Analbe. That is when the devil suckers you into doing something you think is cool and then he stabs you in the back. Boy he sure is one heck of a creep.

This temptation thing is really bad too because according to the Reverend it ends up with God being mad at you. He calls it sinning. And he doesn’t give you a pat on the back for it either. It is more like he sends you to that place other than where the angels hang out. Now I don’t want to scare anybody, but I heard they don’t even have jelly beans there. Can you imagine? Jeez how terrible is that? More than I want to imagine.

I have to admit that I didn’t quite get all the details on why temptation is completely bad. All I know from listening to Reverend Analbe is that pretty much anything that makes you happy is some form of sin. That is why his rule is “if it feels good, don’t do it.”

What kind of confuses me though is with the Reverend it is hard to tell when something really feels good and when it doesn’t. I mean when it comes to donuts he gobbles them suckers down like they were the best tasting things in the world. He’ll sit there and moan and groan while he’s eating them, but afterwards when he is wiping the crumbs and glaze from his face he says he doesn’t enjoy them. You could sure fool me.

The Reverend claims he mainly eats them, plus a whole lot of other stuff because it is to prove that is isn’t what he calls being “carnal.” From what I can understand that has something to do with loving stuff that is tempting or gives you pleasure. Personally with him I can’t tell the difference. He pretty much looks the same when he’s eating donuts as he does the rest of the time that he’s eating or doing something I think is pleasurable.

Well, I can’t pretend to understand all that stuff the way he does since God talks to him and not me. It might be nice if God did sort of take time to explain it more to the rest of us, but for now I guess I’ll just have to take the Reverend’s word for stuff.

Which means I’m going to try and avoid any of those tempting offers. I figure that way I won’t rush out and risk being tempted.

I just wish they didn’t get so proud of doing this tempting thing that they actually run ads in the paper. Like they had one the other day that came right out and said it was such a tempting offer that no one could resist. They were selling something, I forget what, but it was a buy one and get two free deal. I don’t know how that was so bad. I guess the getting two free must have been the tempting part. I think that would fall under what the Reverend calls “lust.” That is something if I understand him right that is sort of like rust in that it is bad only you can use any sandpaper to clean it off. Plus it is something that happens to your heart because he says how it is terrible to have lust in your heart.

I think I’ll just avoid any of those tempting offers and just stock up on donuts when I can. At least that way I know with my mouth and tummy full of donuts I can keep the lust from sneaking in my body. Here’s hoping you find a way to keep those lust things from attacking you too.

STUCK IN THE GUT

That is the way I feel sometimes. I’m talking about the times when your tummy is punishing you because it didn’t like what you ate. I just wish it would say something before making me sick to the point I want to die.

Like the other day. I was really starving. Well okay I guess I wasn’t starving, but I was really hungry.

Otis was out running errands, so I went into the kitchen to fix myself a nice snack. I mean is there anyone who would ever call a snack a bad one anyway?

So there I was in the kitchen and trying to figure out what sounded the best to eat. As usual my stomach didn’t make any suggestions or complaints.

I ended up making myself a sandwich. A peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Oh yeah I threw in some potato chips, jelly beans, bananas and a brownie for filler.

Actually I was very proud of my creation. I used a whole loaf of bread, a jar of peanut butter and also one of jelly. I admit it was incredible tall and I had to sort of break it down in small sections to eat, but it sure was one heck of a sandwich.

Then I wash it down with a gallon of milk and some root beer. And not once did my stomach complain one bit.

Lucky for me Otis didn’t get back till I managed to clean up everything. Well the thing was he asked me if I was hungry because he wanted to go and get something to eat.

I didn’t want to hurt his feelings so I said sure. So we ended up going over to the burger joint. I figured I better eat enough so it didn’t look like I wasn’t hungry. I think ordering three double cheeseburgers and six fries was enough to do that.

Afterwards Otis thought it might be nice if we took some donuts home for dessert. I mean who can say no to a nice bunch of donuts? So we stopped by and bought four dozen.

And not to hurt Otis’ feelings I managed to polish off a couple of dozen. He seemed to appreciate my showing him how I had been so hungry even though I was having a hard time moving by then.

Otis go into one of those funny eat healthy moods. That meant we had to have something that he figured was nutritious. Well out of all the options he suggested, I settle for a banana.

Then after I ate it boy did my stomach start feeling queasy for no good reason. It was the next morning till I stopped feeling sick. I learned my lesson from that though. No last minute fruit snacks!

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK: "How come the eyes have it? Is this some kind of plot by eye doctors to get us to ignore the rest of the body?"

GOOD LUCK

Is there anything better than good luck? At least as long as it brings you cool stuff. See good luck could be things like having a flat tire in front of a tire store. Now that would be great. Only it wouldn’t be quite as much fun for good luck a say winning a drawing where you get a life time supply of jelly beans. That would be the best kind of good luck in my book.

What I wish was that there was a way too be sure you got good luck more often. I given it some thought and so far I haven’t figured out where you can like order a genie in a bottle. Maybe even on of those Aladdin’s Lamps. I had a lamp that belong to my buddy Otis once, but rubbing it only gave me a sore palm. Plus it was one of those Lava lamps. So I guess even if I could have gotten it to work all I would have ended up with is lava. That would hardly of been my idea of good luck.

One thing I did do was try to figure ways of keeping up a good attitude about this. So I took up eating that cereal with the word lucky in the title. It hasn’t improved my luck so far, but at least it doesn’t taste too bad for breakfast.

What I’m currently working on is a way to perhaps improve my chances of getting lucky by having my things that are associated with luck. Things like four leaf clovers, horse shoes and rabbit’s foots.

The four leaf clovers aren’t that hard to find, but it is kind of tough to get a hold of too many horseshoes. I don’t even know a shoe store for horses so that has definitely been a problem.

As for the rabbit’s foot, well heck that isn’t easy either. Those darn rabbits are hard to catch even if you can locate them.

I’m thinking if and when I do find a horse who doesn’t mind giving up a shoe that I’ll see if I can get him to eat some four leave clovers first. That way maybe it will double my chances at some good luck.

Not sure how I’ll figure a rabbit’s foot in all of that. Maybe I can put the rabbit in the horseshoe. I’m sure they would be big enough to hold a rabbit.

The one other thing I guess is in order to be lucky you have to feel lucky. That part I’m having to give some thought. But I think it will have to involve the police.

At least if I can trust to those cop movies. The one with that dude called Dirty Hair-knee. He was a real big one for luck. I must have heard him ask a whole bunch of times, “Do you feel lucky, skunk?”

Gosh I sure hope that doesn’t mean I got to end up in some way smelling like some skunk in order to feel lucky. I mean finding a rabbit is tough enough. I don’t want to have to go hunting for a skunk too.

BETTER

Better is such a cool word. Providing the person using it is sane and has a decent idea of what better is. I wish I could say that was no problem, but you know it was other wise if you had to deal with some of the people I deal with and their lame ideas of better.

Will somebody please tell me how getting beat up with a club is honestly better than getting beat up with a bat? I mean being left unconscious is something that I don’t really figure there is a better part to in my book.

But you always end up with somebody who no matter how silly it seems just have to convince you there whatever is better than your whatever. Of course there are times when they are right. I’ll admit that does happen.

However I refuse to accept it is true in all cases. Like the other day over at STINK. I mean most of the guys and I can get into discussions on the better thing without it getting ugly. That might work real good if old rat boy, Junior Hemoglobin didn’t insist upon butting his nose into our conversations.

You can be darn sure with him that there is now way anyone has anything better than him. Even if you are talking about something bad like getting sick, well shoot man he always gets sicker than anyone else. Boring!

Man there are times when we go out of our way to be absolutely sure we find somewhere to talk that he doesn’t know about. But that dude has some weird sense of radar and he manages to find us almost every time.

Then we have to come up with some lame excuse for leaving or being too busy to talk. You would think he would take the hint.

I wish! Nope there just is no such luck. That guy never lets us go till he’s satisfied that he has convinced us he got the better whatever.

Most of the time we end up just agreeing with him to shut him up. The only time that turns out to be a disaster is when he decides he wants to show us his better whatever.

Let me tell you one thing, if for any reason you ever run into that cheese hording creep and he wants to show you his collect of Cheese Whiz jars, RUN! I mean I’ve seen lint that is more interesting. Jeez who paints a face on a Cheese Whiz jar and gives it a name?

You can be sure Junior thinks it is cool. He can have it as far as we are concerned. We just looked at those stupid jars and then agreed with he told us how it was a better collection than any other.

That always gets me thinking of course of how I wish I could test out how much better my bat is that those jars of Cheese Whiz. But then I doubt even that would help him!

NO FOOLING

I hate to say much bad about my favorite bud, Otis, but I got to admit I never am sure when he’s telling me stuff that is straight and when he’s just fooling. I would have thought that I would have that all figured out better by now. However I still have those moments that he really leaves me wondering.

Take the other day when we went grocery shopping. He always has these coupons for discounts on stuff. But some of the junk is stuff we would never used as far as I’m concerned. Like for cat litter. I mean my pet cat Spam never has any problems with knowing how to go to the bathroom without making a mess. I do wish he would do more than just purr at times. And then sometimes he stops doing that. Afterwards Otis has to go and get batteries for some reason. Then the next thing I know Spam is doing okay again and purring like before.

Anyway the thing is Spam never seems to mess up his litter box. In fact I’ve never even seen him use it. Not even once. Well of course Spam spends all his time just standing still so I guess you can expect him to use the litter box that often. Plus I wish he would eat something other than Spam. And he only seems to eat a lot of that when Otis is around.

Oh well, the thing was here we were in the store and Otis was getting ready to buy some more cat litter. I thought it was pretty dumb. But Otis claimed that he was going to use it for the yard when there was a hole because it was a cheap form of dirt. Personally I thought he was making that part up. I mean that just seemed so silly to me. The idea of filling up a hole in the ground on in our backyard just didn’t make much sense to me.

But that is what he claimed. When we got home he did it too. I tell you with him he when he decides to carry a joke all the way through he doesn’t mess around. I’m still waiting for him to dig up that cat litter and tell me he was fooling after all.

Course there are a few times when I do know that he is fooling for sure. I mean like the time he was telling me how professional wrestler wasn’t real. Man he expected me to buy that one?

I just sat and listened, but never believed a word of it. I don’t know why he felt like poking fun at that sport. But I’m sure I’ll take care of getting him fess up that he was fooling.

See I happened to find an email address for this one professional wrestler. So I wrote him and told him all how Otis said he was a fake. And I even got a nice letter from the guy. He said he was going to come to town and pay Otis a visit and show him a few moves.

Gosh I hope my buddy appreciates knowing I got a hold of that guy. I can’t wait till the man shows up. I’m sure Otis will sure remember that meeting. And I bet that will end any more fooling on his part about wrestling.

THE FUN GROAN

Okay this might seem a little mean spirited, but I got to admit when I see some scum of a griminal suffering I groan with joy. It works for me that’s for darn sure.

Now maybe you never groan when you’re happy. But I don’t know it just is something that feels real natural to me. So that is good enough in my book. That’s the one I keep in my closet to read at bedtime. Some call it a diary. I call it a book of OOPS.

Actually I have developed a method for enjoying several different groans. I got my short quick deep groan. That’s for stupid and dumb mistakes by my friends who I don’t want to offend.

Then there is a little more of a long groan. This one is like just after having some great bowel movement when you’ve been constipated for a while. That is one I use for jerks who screw up and it makes me happy to see them get what they deserved.

Finally my last one is a long and real loud groan. We’re talking about one that could rattle walls. That one I reserve for one person, rat boy, Junior Hemoglobin. It normally happens when he’s freaking out over not having enough cheese. That gives me a real reason to groan from pure satisfaction.

The thing is I do have a couple of other groans too. Those are related to jelly beans and a couple of boxes of real hot donuts on a cold morning. Generally after you know maybe three cups of hot chocolate and the first box of donuts I start feeling that need to groan my way through the second one.

So what can I say? The fun groan is cool. The fun groan is well, fun. I enjoy it and I look forward to when I get to use one.

It sure beats the groans I get from times I hurt myself. Those are a lot of things, but fun isn’t necessarily among them.

Funny how a simple thing like a noise can be so complicated. But what fun is it in life if you have to just put up with stuff and never really have a reason to smile.

That is the other important part about a fun groan. It always comes with a smile. The other kind don’t generally produce a smile unless you are kind of strange. I know a few people like that. They’re okay I guess, not just folks I prefer hanging around with in terms of hearing their groans.

Now maybe somebody has their own rules in terms of how a groan ought to work. That’s good too. Noises that come from inside ought to be something you get to enjoy figuring when it works best for you. After all that is a good kind of freedom. Although I guess they didn’t think to include the fun groan in the bill of rights. Well perhaps I’ll take time to write some senator and see if he could have them added it some how. Yeah, I bet just suggesting it would give him a reason to groan.

BEING THRIFTY

This thrifty business can be cool I suppose. I mean thrift stores really do have lots of great bargains at times. But since they don’t sell jelly beans I don’t always end up finding myself as enthused about them as I might otherwise want to be.

However with my boss, Dr. Hemoglobin, being thrifty is about as important as cleanliness. Now the Reverend Analbe claims that godliness is next to cleanliness. Which never seemed to make much sense to me since I never see any churches located next to places that sell cleaning supplies. You would kind of figure that if they were that closely related it would work that way, but it doesn’t.

And I’ve noticed the same holds true for thrift stores. I haven’t noticed they are necessarily next to any cleaning supply places either. So perhaps both my boss and Reverend Analbe got that part confused in some way or they are talking about some special store I don’t know about.

In either case all I know is that Dr. Hemoglobin can preach about being thrifty just about as darn well as the Reverend Analbe preaches against sin. That sure says a lot too, let me tell you. I mean man, with the Reverend you can be darn sure no matter whether you did anything wrong before he started talking that you will sure feel guilty afterwards. Why heck he makes me so depressed and feeling crummy that I feel like I should apologize for breathing.

Well with Dr. Hemoglobin it works about the same in terms of this thrifty thing. Man he’s got lots of cool things to say on the subject. Stuff like “A penny saved is a penny earned.” Personally I’ve never spent much time with pennies so I have no idea doing much of anything whether it felt safe or not.

The one thing I do know is after he gets done with all his talking about being thrifty he almost never mentions actually going to a thrift shop. Which I always figured was kind of weird. I mean if being thrifty is such a big deal then why the heck doesn’t he at least cough up a few bucks to let us go there and enjoy them.

Plus I’m not sure he is as big a fan of them as he claims at times. Why last year for Christmas I figured he loved being thrifty that much then I would buy him a present from there.

So I went over there and picked up something I thought was cool and he would enjoy. He said thank you, but his eyes sure didn’t look that impressed.

I guess that thanks I get for trying to do something thoughtful like show him I paid attention to all his talking on the subject. Plus I figured you know finding something you just couldn’t get anywhere else was important too. Where the heck else are you going to find a lime green tie that is incredibly wide and has pink hippos dancing on it? I thought for sure he would appreciate that part. But so far I haven’t seen him wear it. Just goes to show that even when somebody says it is the thought that counts when talking about gift giving that it doesn’t always include stuff from a thrift store!

DONATIONS

How come this is only a good thing in some situations? I mean who makes up the rule regarding what you can and can not get donations for? I ‘d sure like to find out. Because whoever makes up the rules ought to spend a little time being more flexible.

What is all this deal about donations needing to be for a worthy cause? I mean I get to do lots of things that I feel are worthy and I have a cause to do them, but I don’t get to collect donations for them.

Plus they always seem hung up about the donation being for what is called a non-prophet organization. I just don’t get that part. Personally I don’t know any folks who have jobs as prophets. Heck I don’t even know where you get training for that kind of job.
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Maybe you have to go and apply with the folks the write the bibles they publish. They seem to have a lot of knowledge about the propheting thing. I wonder if they have a correspondence course? Oh well, I’ll check that out later I reckon.

I did know a lady who claimed to be a psychic once. She didn’t seem to spend much time though doing my prophet stuff as I recall. Mainly she loved playing cards a lot. I’m not sure what kind of card game that Tarot is, but she sure loved playing a lot.

Anyway, what kind of confuses me on the donations for non-prophet places is why should it make any difference whether they do happen to have a prophet on their payroll? Seems kind of unfair to the prophet guys too.

But then I suppose what with all those prophet times spending so much time hanging around with God and all I bet they would have a hard time working full time too. And then I bet commuting from that place over their in Paletstine, which I reckon makes monsters from pallets instead of franks like Frankenstine would be tough. After all from what I heard this one bunch of people called the twelve tribes spend like forty years wandering a wilderness. Talk about getting lost! Man you would have figured that with twelve of them somebody should have carried a map.

In any case, I suppose somebody has a reason that they feel collecting for places that don’t hire prophets is a good deal. So I don’t imagine I’ll do much complaining about it.

All I want to know is how I get to take up come donations for helping out grimefighters. We don’t have a single prophet in our group that I know of. Oh rat boy, Junior Hemoglobin, probably would claim to be one if it meant he could get some cheese out of the deal.

But out side of him I think we can claim to be a non-prophet organization. So I suppose we are safe to check into getting some donations. I wonder if I can work in collecting a few jelly beans as donations? I suppose I can check that out when I have time to find a prophet to find out where the do all their propheting stuff.