LITTLE DEALS

You always hear people bragging about when they make some “big deal.” It is as if they are some kind of super rich and famous dude no matter whether they are or just think so. But they sure love to make it appear that they are important just the same.

I don’t know, but those kinds of things never impressed me that much. I mean in the first place it all sounds so darn complicated if they are explaining it right.

It starts out involving a contract, which is nothing and that is nothing except trouble if you ask me. I mean I’ve heard about those things. You got to have eyes like an eagle in order to read them. That’s because Otis talks about watching out for the fine print. And also making sure you can read between the lines.

Heck I’ve tried that on things like newspaper stories and all I could see was space. Whereas Otis would look at the same story and say that if you read between the lines then it really meant and he would say whatever it was. I just never saw where he claimed it actually said that. So I guess he’s got better eyes than I do.

Plus another problem with contracts is that you have to be able to speak a foreign language. I don’t know where the country of “legalese” is located, but apparently all these contracts are written there. Why I have no idea. How come they can’t print them in must plain English I have no idea.

Anyway if these contracts didn’t give you enough reason to worry about big deals then having to cope with those guys that Otis calls “blood sucking leeches” must be really scary. They sure sound like awful people. I hope I don’t have to deal with them at any time. I’m not sure what they look like, but I do now that they apparently all spend a lot of time at the courthouse when they aren’t spending time in a place called a law firm. You know I never knew law was something liquid that you need to do something to make it firm. But I guess that is what they have to do in those places.

All I know is that I don’t want to have to go to one of those law firm places. I mean not unless somebody gives me a jar and tells me how to find some puddle of law and also how to make it firm. That sure sounds way to much hassle for me.

Nope, I think I will stick with just trying to have fun with little deals. For me that includes things like visiting the candy store and working out a good buy on jelly beans. that is enough of a deal to me. And at least I don’t need any contract to get them either.

Oh I do have to have a receipt. They really get weird on me if I try to walk out of the store and haven’t got one.

Still for me a receipt isn’t hard to get. I normally find one on the floor of the candy store if I look hard enough. And the great thing is that I can always read it. Well all except for whatever is written between the lines. So far it hasn’t seemed to matter much. My jelly beans taste as good whether I can read it or not.

TAKING OUT THE GOOD STUFF

Every once and a while my buddy Otis gets in this mood to clean out our closets. It normally happens right after our boss Dr. Hemoglobin gives one of his speeches to us about how important it is for grimefighters to be what he calls “paragons of cleanliness.” Well I know have too much of an idea what pears or gongs have to do with cleanliness, but all I know is that whenever he says that it means our closest are going to get cleaned.

Actually I think what happens is that Dr. Hemoglobin gets kind of upset at some point when he needs something from the supply closet and it is messy. That wouldn’t be so bad I guess, but if you aren’t careful while opening it all the junk becomes some supply avalanche.

The thing is in many ways I think that is Dr. Hemoglobin’s fault. In order to save money he’ll always order stuff in bulk. You know big amounts. And sometimes it is way too big and hardly fits in the closet. So the poor sap, er grimefighter who gets stuck putting the stuff in the closet sort of gets real frustrated and kind of stuffs it in there without worrying about it being neat.

Most of the time then we all know it is way too full and so we are careful about opening the door. I suppose we could clean it up some, but man after you’ve been out all day as a super hero grimefighter saving the world from grime you’re kind of poop. So most of the time we end up just promising to do it later and well never get around to it.

As a rule our boss just will ask somebody to get him supplies from the closet and doesn’t actually try doing it himself. So whoever gets stuck fetching his supplies have no problem being careful about the door.

However for some reason every once and a while he’ll decide to get the supplies for himself. And then the next thing you know it is lecture time. Which naturally always ends up with telling us to clean up our act and then Otis deciding that means cleaning up our closets.

I don’t think I’m objecting to having to clean out our closet at home as much as Otis being so darn insistent that we get rid of perfectly good stuff. That is the part that really bugs me.

Okay I’ll admit that sometimes my idea of good stuff is a little different than other peoples. But that doesn’t mean I don’t have a right to keep things I think are really special.

It is like this yo-yo I was saving. True the string was broke and it was missing part of the yo-yo so even if you did have a string you couldn’t use it. Still I was going to get around to fixing it some day. That’s the big problem part. Otis has so dang much trouble appreciate someday as an answer. All I know is with me any stuff that is on the someday list goes in the trash. But if it his someday stuff it doesn’t. (Course just because I haul to the trash doesn’t mean it has to stay there. I just don’t tell Otis that part.)

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK: "If the grass is greener on the other side it might be the kind of manure the person spreads. And sometimes it is thicker from the lips than what's in the bag!"

ALL FAIR IN POP AND SODA CRACKERS

Bummer, bummer, bummer. Yep, I hate to use such big and emotional words like that, but there are times when I can’t help it.

Now there is nothing more tragic to me that to get a hankerin for some soda crackers and go into the cupboard and find and empty box. Then I get really pissed because I’m thinking to myself, “Hey who is the creep that left a stupid empty box where the crackers ought to be.”

Then of course my mind drifts to thinking it was probably my buddy Otis. He’s not really a creep though. Oh he can get a little hoggish when it comes to stuff like Spam, but otherwise he’s basically cool most of the time.

And normally sooner or later I remember that I was the creep who used up the last soda crackers and then forgot to throw away the box. Man there ain’t any worse feeling than to get pissed at somebody and then find out you’re really pissed at yourself. That makes me feel really dumb and stupid.

In our apartment most of the time thought when it comes to sharing stuff my buddy Otis and I have sort of understanding. Like with snacks. Stuff like candy we manage to split up when we get home from the store and then I got my stash and he’s got his. Ice cream, well we try to keep it divided up, but sometimes it doesn’t work. Still we do try and I guess I feel that is a good thing.

Then there is stuff like peanut butter and cereal and junk like that. No big problem there. Otis normally is cool about getting enough so we don’t run out and we don’t have to strain our brains and how much one of us eats.

But for some reason we never get around to giving any thought to dividing up the soda crackers or even the pop. Otis just buys it and stuffs it in the closet and then we use it as we want. At least that is how I understand the way we do it.

However let me tell you if one of us gets in the mood for some nice cold pop and go to the refrigerator and there ain’t any, well it is just a good thing I guess that none of you is around to hear our comments. Because it sure isn’t something that is uplifting.

I was sort of thinking that maybe Otis and I ought to figure a good way to concentrate better on dividing up the pop and soda crackers. For some reason though I just never seem to remember when we are at the store or even when we are putting the groceries away. It normally only occurs to me when I got for a pop or crackers and we are out.

Course I’m so busy griping to myself that I don’t get around to thinking of telling Otis till later. And generally he just sits there with cracker breath or burping from drinking the last root beer and says it is no big deal. I try to remember that when he comes griping to me when I drink the last pop myself. But it is hard to be all that eloquent between all the burps.

RAISING YOUR HANDS

How come people have to raise their hands for stupid stuff? Like when you are in school and you have to raise you hand to take a leak. It ain’t hand that needs help at that time. But I reckon if you were to raise the part of your body that did need relief you could get into big trouble.

Then there is the part about raising your hand to ask question. What’s the deal with that? You can’t just say I got a question. Is the teacher deaf or something?

And if you get stopped by the police don’t they tell you to put your hands in the air? Or what if some bad guy tries to rob you don’t he tell you to put your hands in the air?

It is just me here or does this seem like somebody is sending out a confusing message. I mean if you lump teachers, cops and bad guys together isn’t that a risk somebody will think they all work together in some way? That’s just a thought mind you. But I think it is worth considering.

At first I sort of decided that perhaps this was some kind of tradition started by people who sell underarm deodorant. I mean if they get us all to have to raise are arms enough time then we will go a little weird about the sweat stains and make sure we buy extra deodorant.

Then I thought about it some more and figured that while that might be true and I ain’t ruling it out, that there might be some other reason that I didn’t think of it. But rather than try to strain my brain doing that much thinking I decided that perhaps coming up with an alternative to make this whole hand raising thing less important might be a good choice.

So here is what I think would be a good idea. For starters you let the cops keep the part about raising hands. After all they do carry guns and if it is one thing I know it isn’t a good idea to piss somebody off that is holding a gun. Plus since they can also arrest you even if they don’t shoot you then there is no reason to get on their bad side.

As for teachers. Well I don’t know, but perhaps if we had something like scratching your ears instead of raising hands it would work. I reckon that would work. Providing you ain’t got any waxing crude in your ears that rubs off on your fingers or something. That might gross out a teacher and mean a trip to the principle.

Now with those darn bad guys, well I think picking your nose would be okay. After all their big concern has to be that you ain’t got a knife or gun to use on them right? Well if you got some gunk from your nose on your fingers then I doubt you’d be likely to have a chance to grab a gun or something.

Although I’m not sure that you can convince those bad guys to shout out “this is a stick up, pick your nose!” I guess it doesn’t have quite the same ring as raise your hands. Well maybe with practice who knows?

RUNNING, FUNNING AND SUNNING

Now there are some things in life that seem to make a whole lot of sense. Others just leave you scratching your head. And if you aren’t careful you can easily get them confused.

There are sure some strange people you meet from time to time. It is like this one dude I know. He’s got this thing about running. I never quite figured that part out. Even if nobody is chasing him he’ll be out there running or what he calls jogging. Does any truly sane person do this? I mean on purpose when you don’t have too?

Well he sure seems to enjoy it I guess. Although whenever I see him he’s all sweaty and out of breath. I do have to wonder how come anybody would think that is a good thing.

I have tried asking him, but he just mumbles something about “just do it” and I don’t know the rest made less sense than that. How it had anything to do with cards is beyond me. He claims though it is good card “dio” exercise. So I reckon it means he likes to gamble a lot. I got no idea what kind of card game dio is, but if you got to do all that running, I think I’ll pass. Besides what does the winner get, a pair of smelly sneakers?

Another weirdo thing to me is this business of sunning or tanning. Personally I’m not a big fan of feeling sun burnt. And let me tell you I know Otis ain’t either. I mean the one thing he sure don’t want to do is take off his shirt where somebody would see him. I don’t like to rag on my buddy, but I did hear one person claim that he had seen Otis with his shirt off once and it nearly blinded him from fright. Well I don’t know about that part. True my buddy is shaped like the Pillsbury Dough Boy and just as pale, but I don’t think getting sun burnt will improve the problem.

Again this is one of those things that somebody seems to enjoy. I’m not sure why. The way I figure if God wanted us all to get sun burnt he could have turned the ground into a frying pan or something. Okay I’m just figuring here that would be one way of doing it. Even though I think the Reverned Analbe has ideas that God already does tan people The reverend just calls it eternal damnation.

It just comes down to doing something you enjoy. As for me well I ain’t going to run anywhere I don’t have to or end up looking like a crispy critter either. I just like my fun plain and simple. That way I can just concentrate on having a good time.

Which to me shouldn’t end up painful or exhausting. And you know maybe for some reason if those other folks ever decide to get smart about this having a good time thing they can ask me and I’ll be happy to explain to them what real funning is all about.

Ain’t it too bad how some folks just like to mess up a good thing? As for me, well there is little in life that doesn’t end in a smile for me if it involves jelly beans and the nice thing I don’t even break a sweat to enjoy them.

TIME STAGGERS SIDEWAYS

I bet you’ve heard that saying about how time flies when you’re having fun. Well time to me seems to do what it wants regardless of whether I’m having fun or not.

As far as I can tell the clock always moves at the same speed. Providing it is working correctly. If you’re clock is moving backwards or real fast then I suggest you might want to either have it checked out or perhaps have your eyes looked at. But that’s just a helpful hint.

Unless you are like that one guy I met who swore his clock had extra hours on it between the one and two. Of course we are talking about a dude who also claimed that God spoke to him through his toaster and that eating too much cheese gave your stomach warts. So I imagine it might be a good idea to perhaps rule out his opinion on this subject.

Still even if all clocks do sort of move the same way, there are times I do wonder on a given day if you know perhaps Father Time is maybe a little under the influence. I’m talking about those days that everything just seems to be goofy and strange.

These aren’t days that are well totally full of stress, just days when to me time sort of staggers sideways instead of ahead. It is like you are travel in a given direction in a car and making good time. Then all of sudden you come up on a detour sign. So you hang a left and end up in some traffic jam that is the result of something stupid like an old dude who thought the white line in the middle of the road was a parking space.

And after you survive that you come to some signal light that you could swear has a personal grudge against you and refuses to change. Finally you manage to get away from that and end up having a flat tire. Which leads you to discover you have a flat spare tire because when you had the last flat tire you forgot to get it fixed.

So you end up wasting forever getting both the spare and regular tire fixed and by now you can’t even remember how to get back from the detour to where it is you intended to go in the first place. Then you stop at a burger joint to get something to eat to recharge your brain. While you are there you get all caught up in listening to two guy talking about how the government has a conspiracy to keep us all stupid by putting dumb juice in soda pop.

Afterwards you at last get your brain working again and manage to get back into the car or van or whatever and head down the road. Somewhere along the way you do manage to get where you wanted to go. Only you can no longer remember what it was you needed to do when you got there.

So you fake it when the lady behind the counter of that donut shop asks for your order. Later you head back to headquarters with donut breath and holding that soggy bag of day old donuts for the guy who sent you to mail a letter that you managed to lose somewhere.

You ever have one of those days? Ain’t it the pits? Yep, when time staggers sideways all you can do is hope the donuts won’t end up too stale or greasy!

THE BATTLE OF THE BULGE

I understand this was the name for some really big battle that took place during some war. And as with all battles in a war in meant one bunch of dudes with guns trying to kill off and another bunch of dudes with guns.

But as a rule I don’t recall them saying about a battle that it involved a bulge. So I reckon that for some weird reason in the middle of this humungous war one group of soldiers got really mean and nasty and started making fun of some enemy guys. And since it had to do with bulged I reckon that means they were a tad overweight.

Now to me is it totally uncool to make fun of anyone because of the way they look. Well especially for something like the fact that they have a weight problem.

However I would certainly consider it totally dumb and stupid to decide to insult somebody with a weight problem that was carrying a gun. You really got to wonder about what kind of maniac thinks that was a good idea.

The thing is as I understand what happened in this situation was that this one bunch of dudes were trying to bully this other bunch. And the first bunch of dudes were called “Nasties” or Nazis or something like that. In any case they weren’t what you would call nice people.

Plus I understand this all took place around Christmas. I ask you what the heck kind of sick person thinks that calling a person names that happens to have a problem like with their weight a good way to celebrate Christmas? Then to top it off you send them a bunch of bullets as presents. Am I the only one that sees how completely silly this idea was?

In the middle of all this though somewhere apparently fruit cake got mentioned. Or something like it. Because as I hear it them big bad meanies the Nasties or Nazis went to this one city Bast something and told this general dude they wanted him to come out a play only they already wanted him to let them win. I don’t know for sure how that works, but this General guy just told them “nuts.” So I’m thinking he had maybe bought a bunch of fruitcake for Christmas and got pissed off about them Nasties wanting to cheat at some game and so he wouldn’t share his fruitcake, just a few nuts. I wonder if they were still in the shell? Oh well, I guess they didn’t take the nuts.

Well from what I heard this whole thing didn’t do anything to improve things in the long run. And that just goes to show how making fun of people never does help.

Now maybe if we could figure out how to remember that all the time then perhaps all the people running around with guns and looking to insult people would find a different way to spend their time. Gee I bet some fruit cake might help. Worth a try I suppose.

All I got to do is find enough fruit cake to go around and share with those people who are lugging around this big guns. Hey maybe if they found out how much lighter it was to carry a fruit cake that might help even if it did have nuts in it.

MUSCLE CARS

Somebody over at this restaurant my buddy Otis and I go to was talking about this. Frankly I figured he had to be a little off since I saw the car he was talking about and I didn’t see any muscles on it anywhere. You know I figured it would at least look like one of those dudes who is all blown up with bulging muscles. But it just looked like a plain old car to me.

Anyway this dude was bragging about how this car had all kinds of horses under the hood. I guess he must have been drinking something that make you think funny since I didn’t see any horses anywhere.

Then he started talking about a whole bunch of stuff having to do with the motor I guess. Like having a motor was the same as having muscles.

I got to admit that I sort of felt sorry for him though. I mean this car didn’t look all that new. So I think he probably got suckered in by some smooth talking car salesman into believing that this car was a big deal when it was just a car.

Well I sure didn’t want to hurt his feelings or insult him for allowing somebody to convince a car could have muscles. I reckon if it made him happy to believe a car was human enough to have muscles then it was okay by me.

I sort of figure it was a little like that program I saw on that cable channel that shows reruns of old sitcoms. They had this one about a guy whose mother was a car.

So I decided that perhaps you know this dude maybe saw that program and thought if it worked to the guy in the television then it would work for him. I hated to tell him that it didn’t though.

I just sat there with my buddy Otis and ate our food and tried not to snicker too much when this dude was bragging on his muscle car that didn’t have any muscle. You know he seemed to be enjoying himself so much I just didn’t want to ruin his fun.

But I couldn’t help wanting to help him out a little. I thought that perhaps I could do something to make the car run better or be more powerful so even though it didn’t have muscle it would seem strong.

What I did was when Otis was up paying the bill and this guy was in the bathroom and snuck out and put some sugar in the gas tank. I figured sugar is great for energy so if anything helped it would be sugar.

Well Otis came back to the table and we sat there while they guy left. And then we finally got around and took off.

The thing was when we were on the way home I noticed this guy in his car and parking along the side of the road with the hood up. I guess this muscle car must have strained something. Gee maybe I should have used more sugar? Perhaps next time.

USEFUL, HELPFUL AND DUMB

Why is it that sometimes when something is supposed to be useful or helpful it turns out to be neither? Maybe it is just me, but with some stuff it sure works out that way.

The other day my buddy Otis decided we needed a new entertainment center for our living room. I could hardly blame him since the one that we already had we got from this thrift store. It is missing some shelves and kind of worn out. So I understood when he said it was time we finally bought a decent one.

I think what prompted him the most to do that was because we just got a new television. The only died on us. And I reckon that Otis figured he didn’t want to risk upsetting a new television by sticking it on some old entertainment center.

Not that I’m claiming televisions have feelings. That might be kind of silly. I do think they may have brains though. Because it sure seems like the old one always knew how to act up right when something I really wanted to watch was ready to come on.

Anyway Otis figured this time we would do it right and buy a brand new entertainment center. So we went out and found a really cool one for a decent price at this discount store.

I should say that the one they had on display looked cool. Only I didn’t know that it came in a box and you had to put it together with the “use” of some “helpful” instructions.

Well they might have been useful and helpful in the mind of the dumb people who wrote it, but when we opened the box let me tell you it sure didn’t look that way. Man was that ever crazy.

To start with who was the genius that decided anybody opening box needed directions that were other than in English? That was so darn confusing. It took forever to find the part that I could actually understand.

Then the parts they had included didn’t help much either. It seemed like they had way too many side B’s and D’s and other crap when they only showed one of them in the directions. Personally I think the dude who wrote those directions probably was drunk or had a really sick sense of humor. So he was probably sitting there laughing his ass off saying something like “I bet the clown who tries to put this together will go nuts before he finishes it.”

Now I will give my buddy Otis credit. Man he didn’t give up. He kept gluing and hammering and screwing all those screws in the thing. Oh there were a few times when I’m sure what he was mumbling wasn’t something I could try to repeat in a posting, but he didn’t give up.

And the great thing is that we do have a new entertainment center. (Well I suppose I ought to fess up and say that Otis ended up going out and paying this next door twelve year-old kid to figure out how to put it together, but that will just be our little secret.)

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK: "A penny saved is a penny earned till the IRS gets through with it!"

PRACTICAL APPLICATIONS

How come something is consider worthless if you can figure a way to make money off the idea of whatever it is? It sure seems that way to me.

Whatever happened to the idea of doing stuff just for fun? Is there some law they came out with that says that is a bad deal?

That’s like when I come up with some truly inspired idea for something I figure would give people a little extra joy in life. And I get all excited and think to myself how really cool it would be if you could make it a reality.

Like the other day I thought it would be so great if you could figure a way to make it so that every once and a while instead of clouds just raining water they could rain something else. Such as chocolate milk. Now wouldn’t it be cool to be able to go out side and hold out a glass and let it fill up with something that really tastes great.

Now what would be that tough about making that happened? You just get a few cows, feed them chocolate then load them in a plane with parachutes. After you get high enough above the clouds you toss them out and let all that tasty chocolate milk fill up the clouds.

I mean if I can figure that part out how come somebody hasn’t tried it yet? It seems like it would have been so easy if you got the right cows and all.

Oh that would be just one idea for rain. Why I bet if you got enough folks involve you could pretty much get anything to rain. It would just be a matter of finding the right folks to make it happen.

But you know it doesn’t work that way. I wish it did, but it don’t. And you know how come? Because of people like my buddy.

Don’t get me wrong, Otis is a really great bud. Only problem is this practical application stuff. There I sit with some incredible idea I figure would be so fantastic to try and he’ll spoil it by asking something silly like who is going to pay to make it take place?

I ask you do I have to think of everything? It sure bugs me when he gets into one of those darn moods where he points out some practical facts that explain why my dream will never take place. I just hate when that happens.

I’m thinking one of these days I just got to find somebody who agrees with me about fun ideas that you can make a reality without money. I’m sure they are out there somewhere. And I don’t mean at some place with padded walls either!

In the meantime if any of you guys want to invest in the chocolate rain idea I’m ready to help. It might be good if you had some cows available, but if not I suppose we can find a farmer somewhere who won’t mind contributing them and perhaps the chocolate. As for the parachutes, well I got no idea where to get those. Perhaps we could just get enough helium to fill the cow’s tummy to make them float. Ah it is so hard to be so dang creative with so many folks that lack the ability to dream.

OPEN THE DOOR, BUT CLOSE YOUR MOUTH

My buddy Otis talks about having a conversation on a subject as being like opening a door. And that is okay I guess. It sort of makes sense.

I just wish that when you did open the door it was always to a living room and not some stupid closet. By that I mean that there are times a person can’t talk about a subject without rambling about all kinds of junk like it was a closet full of clutter you were trying to keep hidden.

So even though it might seem like it there are times when I really try to just listen without saying much when somebody wants to talk about a subject. I want to hear what they have to say before I say anything back.

Well I can say I do honestly. That doesn’t always work out that way in some situations. Like with the Reverend Analbe.

I realize that he talks to God and all, but you try talking to him sometime. Man if there is one thing that doesn’t happen with him it is you doing any of the talking. He pretty much has the idea that talking means him moving his lips and you just keeping your mouth shut.

For some weird reason Otis gets in the dumb moods where he’ll actually invite the Reverend over to our apartment. Which I wouldn’t even mind if he would warn me so I could be gone, but apparently he gets some kind of strange pleasure out of seeing me roll my eyes a lot and sigh from shear boredom.

In any case I can pretty much count on the Reverend visiting our apartment occasionally and me having to sit there praying that it will be over soon. Soon is one word that definitely don’t count with the Reverend though.

What is really incredible is how he can carry on a conversation all by himself even if you aren’t there. Heck there was one time when the Reverend was blabbing away about not sinning, which is his favorite subject to talk about it seems and Otis and I just snuck off for a good ten minutes into the kitchen.

You know we came back and he never even seem to notice that we had been gone. If he did he didn’t mention it. And God didn’t tell him either apparently.

It must be nice I reckon if the Reverend did like talking other than preaching at folks. I guess it would be fun to have him tell us some of the cooler things God tells him.

Only that never happens since it seems the only way to keep the Reverend about preaching at you is to give him something to eat. That is the one time he doesn’t do much talking. He doesn’t do much listening either since he’s too busy making eating noises to hear anything you might say.

At least he doesn’t come over every day. I’m not sure I could handle having him bore me with doing all the talking every day. Plus I don’t think I want to end up with all our snacks in his tummy either!

GIMMIE THAT OLD TIME REAL ENGINE

Yep I want the real thing, none of this substitute or artificial motor crude. I was listening to somebody talking the other day about some new kind of car with what he called a “High Bread” engine.

Now I ask you what kind of person with a sick sense of humor is trying to get somebody to believe you can run a car on bread? Is that stupid or what?

It is really amazing ain’t it the junk some people think that can get a person to buy as true. Like I’m going to accept if you opened up the hood on a car and saw an oven instead of an engine you would really expect to go that far?

Plus does that mean every time you needed to fill up you had to go to some bakery or grocery store and say, “Gimmie a tank full of bread please.” Heck you know how long the lines are to buy food at a store at times, who wants to mess with that when you need to put fuel in your car?

What would be cool I guess is if you could end up having like toast instead of gas fumes come out of the exhaust. I say cool for the benefit of those who don’t like smog, but since my real name is Smog Boy, well I should say it is my grimefighter name, I am one who happens to love pollution. That’s because I got to use it to breath. I won’t bore you with the details other than to say that as far as I’m concerned I’m perfectly happy with having the smog stuff coming out of my vehicle or whatever I happened to be riding in.

As for the rest of you all I can say is that if you want to waste your money on some putt-putt that somebody claims runs on bread that is up to you. I haven’t quite figure out the high part completely. Maybe they are referring to loaves of bread that are on the top shelf. I always hate when they put it up that high.

But then it does sort of make sense you know. I mean the bread up there probably don’t get bought as fast so it might risk getting moldy faster. So if you are going to waste it by stuffing it in a car’s gas tank then it probably doesn’t matter if it gets yucky in some way.

Meanwhile I’m sure not going to tell anyone that this is a good idea. It might be for some people, but I feel a special need to not tell anymore whoppers about junk than I already get suckered into telling.

Besides if I am going to make up stuff I’m sure not going to pick out something that is darn impossible to believe. Heck even I know that there is no point of trying to get anyone to buy something that can’t be true.

All I got to do is get that dude who was talking about high bread cars to appreciate he better wise up and knock off telling big fat lies till he figures out ones that might even have a chance of being true. At least you can count on me being smart enough to avoid that. I hope so because I sure don’t want to get a reputation for not caring about the truth.

SOAP FOR A DOPE

Well I wish there was a different way to put this, but with some people having just a plain old bar of soap ain’t enough. It is like they got to be entertained in the bathtub in order to feel like using soap. And I call that being a plain dope.

Now I ask you what is the problem here? You get dirty and no matter who you are you sooner later are going to have to get around some water and need some soap if you want to stop smelling bad and want to be other than alone from stinking.

It all seems kind of just plain simple to figure out. So from that point of view then soap is soap. That to me means it all does the same thing. It might look different and smell different, but it serves the same purpose as far as I’m concerned. At least it should.

But the other day I had to go over to the mall and they opened up this new store and man let me tell you they sure take their soap serious. They had all kinds of shapes and colors and you would have thought that from all that stuff it meant there was some fun people could have with it other than getting clean.

So the big question that sort of came to mind when I was looking at all that stuff was whether it meant there was just way too many people that needed it in order to get motivated to take a bath. Is this really a big problem and I didn’t know about.

It sort of makes me wonder you know if people are having that much trouble with the idea of soap, which sure makes them a dope to me then what other sane stuff do they have problems with? And frankly I’m not sure I want to know on some stuff.

Why I bet that means there is probably way too many people out there having really scary problems like not knowing how often to change their underwear. God I don’t even want to think how awful it would be if too many folks can’t figure that one out. Why that could mean the absolute end of civilization as we know it if that kind of thing gets out of hand.

And once again it seems like nobody else is willing to be concerned over the importance of such things. So I suppose it will be up to me to save the planet from all the dope about soap.

But I guess this is far. I mean I am an grimefighting super hero. So I can see where it would be a good thing to have me taking care of ending soap dumbness. Yeah I gues better me than somebody who might mess it up.

Now I reckon it might take some time you know to work out all the details of the best way to help end this problem. Why can’t it be easier? There are a lot of problems you know I just solve by using my bat. But I don’t think this is one of them. So I suppose I’ll have to think of a different solution.

In the meantime I think just posting this kind of message is a good start. And along with some nice catchy slogan like “Don’t be a dope, always use soap!” Worth a try at least.

IN A PICKLE

You ever see those really big jars of pickles they have in some stores. Normally it isn’t like a grocery store. It is some place that they sometimes call a “deli” or “cheese shop” or whatever where they sell food, but ain’t big enough to be called a grocery store.

And a lot of times they will have a huge jar on the counter full of these dill pickles that you can buy just for a snack. Which is okay if you happen to love pickles.

Me, I can take them or leave them, especially the leaving part when I’m broke. But my buddy Otis, well he has this thing about deciding from time to time that pickles are just as good as candy. Never spam mind you, but candy yes.

So he’ll go into one of these places and buy on of these pickles and I just wish that meant he ate it without talking, but that ain’t my luck. Nope with my buddy talking and eaten just sort of go together.

Which is okay I suppose only the thing is I’m not sure when he’s rambling on and on about how good the pickle tastes if he doing so to impress me or convince himself. I don’t seem to matter though because I know he’s going to keep talking about it regardless of what is true.

But I think that even if Otis talks a lot and is doing so to convince himself that the pickle tastes good it don’t work. That’s because I notice that he doesn’t eat them all the time. Just like most things that he gets in a mood to eat that I think are kind of strange or not that great, I know once he has eaten one pickle he won’t do it for a long time again.

Now if he had one of them pickles and then went back to regular stuff that would be cool. However normally what happens is once he eats a pickle that is just the beginning. Oh man after a pickle then he’ll get some kind of brain stupids where he has to taste all kinds of stuff he wouldn’t eat otherwise. I mean will somebody please explain to me why anyone would want to eat snails? Oh excuse me I guess they are called “escar” um something. I can’t remember exactly. All I know is that he can keep them because I’m not going to gobble down something that spends it time in the dirt of some flower bed.

I won’t bore you with all the other weird junk he decides to try, but there is a lot. And I’m just glad when he finally gets over that mood and goes shopping for Spam again. Which thank goodness in his case is at least twice a week. So a few days I can handle that weirdness.

Plus the great thing is that once he goes back to eating Spam again then that means he thinks my jelly beans are cool too. And that means a trip to the candy store.

Which is how I cope with the other insanity. I just keep thinking to myself “candy store, candy store, it’s there I’ll go when Otis says no more!” Hey it works for me. And I just keep trying to remember that while he’s holding that pickle.

THOSE DARN WEENIES

Yeah there are too many of them in this world. And the pits are that you can’t just slap mustard on them after shoving them into a bun and gobble them down. Well I suppose you could try, but I think you sort of get into a whole lot of trouble if you decide to do this with this kind of weenie. The last I heard the government kind of frowns on people eating people even if the are a weenie. Speaking for myself that is a good thing since the idea sort of freaks me out anyway.

Now to me what qualifies as a weenie in terms of a person is somebody who acts down right annoying. Real weenies types of people seem to know how to act in a way that does nothing, but piss you off.

I suppose when you get down to it they probably have lots of other names besides being a weenie. However I reckon the word weenie really does capture them just great. That is because it means their full of something other than necessarily good stuff. Only they don’t necessarily want to admit it to others. Which is another quality of a good weenie, er well I guess maybe it is a rotten weenie, um that is one that is good in terms of being really lousy. Ah I reckon you get the idea.

Well I bet you all know as well as I do how to cope with all the stupid weenies in the world. And at least the most important thing in some ways is trying not to be one yourself. I know I try.

Which is tough at times being a grimefighter since I imagine that a griminal would presume somebody trying to keep them from committing a grime is a weenie. That sort of points out that there are good weenies and bad weenies. So there are times when you just have to risk being thought of as a weenie if you know it means you will be a good weenie so you can try and keep the dude being a bad weenie from acting that way.

I hope you got all of that. Because if there is one thing I don’t want to risk it is confusing anybody on this subject. I sure wouldn’t want to risk having somebody out there end up acting like the wrong kind of weenie and saying it was my fault.

So just remember the important part about being a good or bad weenie. A good weenie does “good” and a bad one well, you get the idea.

Or another way I suppose to look at it is if the person really stinks in terms of how they treat others then that is a bad weenie. Which I think anybody ought to be able to figure out.

In the meantime I got to get off to work over at STINK. We are in the midst of a special weenie cookout. Er that is a barbecue where us good weenies get to eat burgers.

The only down side is that old rat boy Junior Hemoglobin will be there and believe me even though he works for STINK there ain’t any amount of mustard that will ever turn him into other than the kind of weenie that turns your stomach.

LOVE TO

No I ain’t hung up on the word love lately. I just got bugged by this saying the other day. It is one that old rat boy Junior Hemoglobin loves to use. Which would be okay if he really meant it I suppose, but it doesn’t seem to me that he really does.

How do I know that? Well to give you an example when it comes to cheese in the right situation he talks about sharing it. I guess I ought to say that somebody will suggest it and he’ll say “Love to.”

Anybody knows that old rat boy will never share cheese. He’ll horde it, dream about it even steal it, which he calls borrowing, but he’ll never share it.

But then that is just one example. I see a whole lot more. Which is why this is sort of a gripe for me.

That’s because to me if you want to say love to and don’t mean it then only do it for yourself! Don’t include me.

The other day unfortunately my buddy decided he would do that for me. I guess he meant well. Only it sure didn’t work out that way.

See the big problem was that when he said love to he didn’t mean it. And that was find because he managed to avoid doing what he said he would love to.

Only problem he forgot to mention to me that he had said love to for me. So when I got approached and didn’t have anyway to run away, I got stuck.

I’m speaking in this case of him telling Truly Grimy that I would love to try her latest meal. My buddy really didn’t do me any favors in that situation.

Now I know my buddy didn’t do it on purpose and he did feel bad about it later. However he didn’t feel half as bad as I did when I was standing there and Truly shoved that spoonful of her latest concoction in my mouth. Shoot I didn’t have a chance to react except to swallow. And let me tell you my tummy sure told me that it didn’t enjoy that mix.

I thought better than to ask Truly what was in it. I figured if I found out it would only make me sicker. So I just smiled and said I was full and then when she was gone I ran off to the bathroom and made it just in time before my stomach upchuck that mess.

As for Otis, well at least so far he has managed to avoid saying love to. So far he’s got a new phrase. It is “I’ll think about it.”

And that is fine with me as long as it doesn’t end up with me having a spoonful of Truly’s casserole shoved in my mouth. There ain’t no way that I hope his thinking about it will end up with that happening. Plus I also know now whenever I smell a smell at STINK like something died to run away before Truly can find me.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK: "You might be able to attract more flies with honey than vinegar, but crap attracts too. So does that mean honey can sometimes be nothing more than crap?"

FOR THE LOVE OF...

Now unless you get all excited and start grumbling I ain’t going to get all mushy here. I’m not talking about kind of love that they use on Valentine’s Day. I’m speaking of something more practical. Like a love of something you can enjoy by yourself whether anybody is around or not.

Course for those who get their jollies with that kind of mushy love stuff that’s okay. But the big deal to me is that you need to have somebody else to enjoy it. And the one problem I’ve seen with it is that too many times it seems to be the kind of thing that makes a person nuts.

We had these couple of guys over at STINK who when they got themselves girlfriends man it seemed like they never shut up about it. Every time I saw them they were wanted show off their pictures they took of the two of them together. That’s okay once and a while, but after a zillion of the same type of photos of the same two people it sure got to be a yawner.

And when they weren’t talking about what they did like going somewhere they were talking about what they were going to do next. It was like they were no longer a person without this other person.

Well that is why I wanted to devote this posting to more sane kinds of love. Like for movies. There see I bet you thought I was going to say jelly beans huh? Fooled you!

Nope the one thing about having a love for movies is you ain’t got to worry. They will always be there. And you don’t have to keep buying them stuff or calling them on the phone.

Plus the are sure a great way to pass the time while you are in a mood to snack on a few jelly beans. Hey fair is fair, I didn’t mention jelly beans first, but I do got a right to add them in if I want to.

Now I ask you plain and simple. Which really makes more sense? That mushy kind of love that drives you nuts and you got to have somebody else to enjoy or the kind you can plain have fun with?

Okay no fair ganging up on me on this either. Those guys over at STINK tried that when I told them this too.

But guess what? Something went wrong I guess and the one guy ended up with his girl friend no longer being his girl friend. So to try and cheer him up and I invited him over to enjoy watching a movie or two.

Ah yes, it was sure amazing how a few jelly beans and a couple of great movies and he was smiling again. Course I never said I told you so. Guess I am sort of glad I did since he has a new girl friend these days. I reckon some people never learn.

MERRY SIT UNDER THE TREE

Oh man I want to tell you, before any of us knows it the best time of the year will be here. I’m speaking of Christmas in case you don’t know. Yep, we can all get excited about that I hope.

And that is the coolest time of the year too me because it has so much fun stuff you get to do. For me I got so many things to keep me busy I just hope I don’t get pooped while finishing them.

To help out with that I do have sort of system to be sure everything gets done. Now for starters of course the first thing I do is send my letter off to Santa. Yeah I know I’m a little too old to be doing that perhaps, but I figure it never hurts. Plus I keep thinking to myself you know with all the writing practice maybe I’ll write one that really impresses him. It never hurts.

The next thing on my agenda is sorting my jelly beans. That way I get in the proper mood for the holiday. I take all the green ones and red ones and separate them from the rest. And of course I just have to buy extra. To be sure I really don’t risk not being the Christmas spirit.

Then comes the fun part of figuring out what kind of presents to buy everyone. And what I concern myself in that regard is you know making sure it looks cool so that when it is sitting under the tree it makes someone merry. So the type of wrapping paper really matters. Frankly for those of us on a limited budget for shopping the wrapping paper is the most important part. That and being sure you shop early and give it to person so it sits under the tree as long as possible. It gives them a chance to feel some real merry while it is sitting under there for say a month or two and that helps take off the edge if it turns out to be sort of well you know, kind of “affordable.” That is the word my buddy uses for junk he gets at the 99 cent store, but doesn’t want to call it cheap or silly and pointless crap.

Only thing you do got to be careful about is not buying presents to early. I found that out once when I tried giving people Christmas presents in January. For some stupid reason I never gave any thought to the fact that without a tree to put the present under you sort of cut down on the chance for any merry sitting under the tree. So it is best to wait tell they get their tree up. Which is at least September depending on the person.

Plus I also found out that while food makes a decent and tasty present, if you give somebody something like cookies in January and they don’t open it for a long time, we those cookies just don’t taste or look like cookies. And let me tell you if they open some box and it is suppose to be oatmeal or chocolate chip cookies and instead is it nothing, but a stinking lump of mush they sure don’t say thank you.

Oh yeah before I forget on this merry sit under the tree stuff another cool thing to consider although Otis says you’re not suppose to think it that way is when you give somebody a present there is a good chance they will do the same for you. I mean I see no reason I don’t have a right to some merry sit under the tree as much as the next person. Hopefully it won’t be because I got desperate and put the thing there myself.

MY RAKE AND DUMB OLD HOE

My buddy Otis decided the other day he wanted us to take up gardening. Which is okay I guess. I mean we do have some dirt outback out our apartment. The landlady of this old house that she converted into apartments lets us use the backyard for whatever. We might have to share it, but the other apartment folks never seem interested. So we get the chance to do what we want with it.

Personally I would have preferred in having a one of those swimming pools. The kind you just put up with no big hassle and can paddle around when you want. Of course that would just be for the summer. During the winter I was thinking it would be a good place to store junk or some other useful idea.

But like I said my buddy got into this thought thinking having some garden would be great. I think it happen because he was watching this program on television about gardening and figured it looked like fun.

The thing is for me I always resist the urge to groan when my buddy gets into the idea of doing something different like starting a garden. That’s because I know his idea of this kind of stuff will mean he’ll talk about it and I get stuck doing all the crappy work part that involves sweating.

Now with this gardening thing, we did have some tools since from time to time we do help out with yard work like over at Granny Potts’ house. But Otis felt we needed a new rake. I didn’t see why. The old one wasn’t in that bad of shape.

What I figured we needed if anything was a new hoe. The old one had a broken handle and have of the metal blade was rusted away. And I pointed that out to Otis, but he still insisted we buy a new rake.

So he did. And then once we started trying to actually to fix up the back yard as a garden I understood why. It was because Otis was going to use the rake and I was stuck with the hoe.

Even that I could have lived with, but what really bugged me was Otis ended up using the rake for all of about five minutes to rake up some leaves and trash while this lady next door was watching. Then he put the rake down when she started talking to him and I got stuck doing everything else with the hoe.

I guess I ought to be grateful though. Because after Otis got to talking to the lady and the ended up going to the store and buying salad fixings, which I think was the whole idea in the first place, he sort of forgot about the garden.

I suppose it must be nice that Otis was able to get that lady’s attention and impress her and all since that seems to be his main reason for the gardening thing. And as long as he goes over there to eat what he and her call a salad, I’m happy. As for me, well I’ll stick to my jelly beans. At least with them I never have to worry about either new rakes or old hoes.

SWELL

I would truly love hearing that word if it always meant something good was going to happen. But swell to one person just don’t mean the same as it does to somebody else. So you sure got to be careful when you hear this word that you know what is somebody else’s idea of swell.

Now take where I work over at STINK. If one of the other grimefigther dudes uses the word swell then I generally know it is probably something that is cool. I can pretty much figure I’ll think whatever it is will be cool too.

I hate to confess it though that the one exception is my buddy Otis. Most of the time his idea of swell is just like any other grimefighter. Those are his sane moments from my point of view.

But then there are those “other” moments when he gets in some weird mood where swell is some kind of strange junk involving books without pictures or classical music or whatever that I wouldn’t think is swell. That is when I have to listen real, real careful. Because if the word “art museum” or “opera” or even “library” comes out of his mouth along with swell I know I’m in trouble.

At least my buddy isn’t prone to use the word swell a lot. So that keeps the potential “groaning” possibilities in dealing with him to a minimum and for that I am grateful.

There are others at STINK that I do also have trouble with when they use the word swell. Like Truly Grimy. I mean you can be darn sure if she uses the word it means she’s whipped a new batch of some disgusting gut burning stuff and thinks it is great. And that only means one thing, find somewhere to hide till she gets somebody else to eat it.

And then there is Ramy Jarvis, STINK’s ninety-five year old janitor. Now that poor guy has an idea that anything swell has somehow something to do with stewed prunes. I just smile and head the other way when he starts using that word.

What mention of this word from me would be complete without talking about good old rat boy, Junior Hemoglobin. With him there is nothing in the world as good or swell or whatever that doesn’t involve cheese. I don’t think I would even mind you know if his idea of swell in terms of cheese meant he wanted to share it. But for him swell just means he gets a chance to eat all the cheese for himself and let me tell you that is sure boring to me.

Well that pretty much covers the subject of swell at STINK except for our boss, Dr. Hemoglobin. And with him the one thing you can be sure of is that if he uses the word swell it is going to mean extra work. Not for him naturally, but for the rest of us just watch out! Because if he happens to smile when he uses the word then I know we are really in big trouble.

Funny how just one little word means so many things to so many people. But hopefully when they use it that ends up not being other than funny for everyone else!

LET THEM EAT SAUSAGE

There was this queen or princess or whatever one time whose name was Marie something that apparently got famous for saying “let them eat cake.” I guess she own a bakery or just loved cake, but from what I heard it didn’t work out too good for her since she sort of went crazy. At least that is what I assume they mean when they say she lost her head.

Now I don’t know, but I kind of feel that whoever came up with this story must have had something against cake. So they probably wanted it to seem as if you could go crazy if you ate enough of it.

And I want to tell you that it isn’t true. I’ve had plenty of cake in my day and I’m sure you can tell from my writing the way it has affected my brain.

But fair is fair I suppose you do need to balance out your eating to some degree. My understanding of that part is that you know it means you should eat foods that weigh about the same. That way you stomach won’t get lopsided I guess when you fill it up.

Anyway I gave it some thought and you know cake isn’t necessarily all that heavy. And in order to avoid the risk of losing your head (even though I still have my doubts about that part) then I guess you need to eat something heavy enough to offset any problems you might get from cake.

The one problem with some foods is that you have to keep them refrigerated or they might spoil. So I didn’t figure that using any foods like that would be a good idea. Which leaves foods you can just leave out if you want.

What kind of causes a problem to me in that regard is that most of the stuff I could think of was some kind of bread, which didn’t seem any real different than cake if it was in a form like a donut. Then there were canned foods, but I had trouble figuring if the can had to be counted as part of the weight so I ruled them out.

So after giving it enough thought I came to the decision that to respect this balance thing in terms of cake that perhaps some cool and yummy beef sausage would work. Plus it comes in those nice long tubes so they are easy to carry if you have to worry about balancing carrying a cake and also a sausage. You just can’t do that with some other foods.

It does make me wonder if that Marie lady had said something like “let them eat cake and sausage” if she might not have avoided ending up going crazy and losing her head. But then perhaps she didn’t have any room in her bakery for both cake and sausage.

Oh well since she lived a long time ago like at least twenty years I suppose it won’t do any good for her to try it at this point. But if we can learn from it and do better then that makes it all worthwhile I figure. Now I think I’ll go out and see if I can balance a cake and sausage myself to be sure I ain’t misleading anybody.

FLYING HIGH

Well I’m not much for flying with or without a jet, but I sure know you can’t do much flying if you aren’t flying high. Otherwise you’re going to hit something. At least that is the way I see it.

But over at STINK we apparently got people who don’t see it that way. They are always talking about how when the weekend comes they will be flying high. Which is really weird since I know for a fact that they don’t go anywhere that requires getting on a plane.

So I figure that maybe they are just you know trying to impress everyone as if they really did go somewhere by jet. However I know I’m not fooled by that stuff. I just sort of listen and then every once and a while just like to prove to them I’m wise to their non-sense since I’ll ask them stuff like how high did they actually fly? Like was it high enough for nose bleed or to touch the moon.

That’s when I know they are aware that I’m not as dumb as I look. They’ll just sneer and shake their head, which sort of tells me they realize I figured out their antics.

Personally I think it would be better if they talked about something like driving real far. I mean that would be a lot easier to believe. Because if you claim to go flying then you better at least know the name of the air lines you claim you fly on. And the airport you went too.

And when I get really bugged by their comments I’ll ask them those questions and naturally they never have much of an answer. You better believe the one thing they don’t have is any ticket either.

Now the one thing you don’t want to do is ask them if they flew first class. That’s because I bet they have no idea how much postage they need to fly first class.

Oh well, I guess the main thing for me is that I know they are making the flying part up. And as long as I know it that should be enough.

Sometimes it is I reckon. Still once and a while I do get curious or pissed enough to expect them dudes to fess up and admit they never flew anywhere.

But I suppose I’ll always have to live with them making up such kind of stuff. It is like when I ask them how the day is going and they will say same day, different crap.

I mean I got to wonder if these poor dudes have ever heard of a calendar. Because all you have to do is look at it to know you can have the same day. You got to borrow it from tomorrow. Plus they all got numbers. So that kind of messes up that same day idea too.

Sometimes I do have to admit working with dudes that have such silly ideas is kind of tough. But I manage even if I do have to listen to their weird ideas from time to time.

THE WAY TO THE MOON

Okay I don’t want any wise guy remarks about something like “up.” I don’t need that type of help.

And that’s because that ain’t the type of moon I’m talking about. So there! What am I talking about? I’m talking about the type of moon you and an “ing” to. Yeah I’m talking about mooning.

So if you were looking for some posting about the stars or universe, forget it. I don’t want to waste time talking about something that you can just go outside and look at and know it is there without my help. What am I suppose to tell you that you can’t figure out for yourself? I mean if you need help talking to the man in the moon who runs that store where he sells green cheese to that cow who keeps jumping over the moon I will. But do you really need me to say much?

Nope I figure that the moon is doing fine without my help. It ain’t going anywhere and so you sure don’t need me to talk about it as far as I’m concerned.

Which is why I wanted to talk about the more important kind of mooning. The type that anybody with a naked butt can try. And since that takes practice to get it right and I’ve had a far amount of practice I figured that perhaps I might pass on a few helpful tips.

Now my first tip is that make sure if you are going to do any mooning you can unzip your pants. There ain’t nothing more discouraging than to plan out a good mooning and then discover at the last minute that your zipper is broke or stuck. It can totally ruin the experience.

The second tip I want to suggest here is to make sure that you are in a place where the “moonie” or person you are mooning can’t hit you. I tell you if you are sitting with your butt hanging out of some car window and too close to the dude, well it can be really a pain in the ass, literally if you aren’t careful.

The other thing I suggest is that you make sure you avoid trying any mooning if you are just getting over something like diarrhea. I mean the last thing you need while mooning is to have an “accident!”

Now only will you gross out somebody other than the person you are intending to moon, but you can be darn sure the dude who owns the car that you are sticking you butt out of will get pissed. Plus if you get stuck cleaning it up that can be really crappy (no pun intended).

So if you just follow these helpful little tips you can be promised of avoiding any of the risks to this practice that might end in a few regrets later. Believe me I can share these from personal experience. I only wished somebody had saved me having to learn them the hard way. But then I wouldn’t be able to do the same for somebody else and that is a good thing I guess. Happy “moon shots” one and all!

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK: "There is a difference between being wise and being a wise ass. The latter not only pissed you off, but stinks too!"

TRIPS, SIPS AND TIPS

I’ve decided there is some kind of conspiracy out there to embarrass people when you have to take short trips. I think there is a bunch of dudes running stuff who think are such great comedians about making people do the pee-pee dance.

Now I want you to consider for example that there are a whole lot more places where you can buy something to drink and really big things for sipping than there are places to take a leak. I mean there are like some 24 hour fast food places that will see you a big drink at two am, but won’t let you use the toilet.

And I’m sorry, but there just ain’t enough places with bushes where I live to stop wherever on some trip in the middle of the night. I tell you the battle against filth and grime can get tough at times if I work up a thirst and soak up a bunch of soda and then can’t find a bathroom.

What is worse is if my buddy Otis and I happen to be in disguise costumes at the time. You try going into some gas station mini mart at three in the morning dressed like a giant purple avocado and see what kind of tips for bathroom locations you get. I tell you I’ve practically worn out too bats trying to show some wise guy of a clerk what I though of some of the comments I get in those situations.

Plus I got to be honest if the boys in our disguise department cook up some really stupid disguise costume then I really feel dumb trying to ask for a tip about finding a bathroom. It just don’t earn me much respect as a grimefighter super hero I tell you that much.

It was like that time that they gave me this darn costume that was a giant taco. The guys in the lab were in this Mexican kick an so everything they had looked like some kind of Mexican food.

And let me tell you I sure didn’t scare anybody wearing a glow in the dark orange taco costume. That didn’t do a thing to earn any respect.

At least Otis got the burrito outfit. He claimed it was a special garment that protected him from the harmful effects of the sun’s rays. But I knew the dude at the mini mart knew it was a burrito. Besides it was the middle of the night and everybody knows you can get any harmful sun’s rays if there ain’t no sun in the sky.

Still I reckon I don’t got a choice. There will always be grime to fight and costumes to wear. And I know that I’m going to get thirsty that’s for sure.

So I’ll just keep working on that map of emergency pee stops just in case. And if it involves any bushes then I got to make sure they are big enough to hide me from being seen when I have wear something like that stupid giant banana outfit. Boy all I can say is that I’m glad that one isn’t passed out that often. It is kind of tough to find a bush tall enough at night to keep people from noticing a ten-foot tall banana standing behind it. But if you happen to see me in that situation, just give me a break and don’t honk!

ALL OVER

My buddy Otis says this from time to time. How he is all over whatever. Only it is a little hard at times to believe he is really all over what he says he’s all over.

Like the time he said he was all over with eating Spam. I don’t know, but something got him miffed about how eating canned meat was bad for you. In any case he decide that this stuff he loved so much was suddenly not cool.

It was okay with me you know. I mean at least he didn’t try to get me to give up jelly beans. I’m definitely not all over them and I sure don’t plan to be anytime soon.

But for my buddy he sure felt good saying he was all over Spam. I just wish being all over it meant he stopped talking about it. And let me tell you one thing when it comes to being all over something you can be sure that don’t include talking about whatever it is.

That is one thing I have pretty much accepted. There is no way my buddy will ever claim to be all over it will be talking. Which is a good thing because you sure can’t be all over taking and talk about it. Even I know that won’t work.

Anyway with my buddy Otis I ended up listening to him give me all kinds of speeches about how he had decided Spam wasn’t good for you any longer. Only thing I notice was that he didn’t get rid of any of the cases of Spam he had in the closet. Those stayed put.

What he told me was that keeping it was proof of his having self-control. It was a test. all I know was that he sure spent a lot of time going to the closet and checking on the cases of Spam that he said he was all over.

But the good thing was I guess that eventually he did quit talking about being all over Spam. And I could tell when that was going to happen too.

It was about the time he stopped talking about how Spam was bad for him. Instead he started mentioning how Spam wasn’t as bad for you as some other stuff.

And I could tell that it wouldn’t be long before he would end up gobbling down Spam again. Only I didn’t mention it to him naturally.

Sure enough though I came home one day from running this errand and the moment I opened the front door I saw that empty can of Spam on the floor and knew he had caved in. When I finally found in at the kitchen table there he was just having a great old time wolfing down all kinds of Spam.

Course I never attempted to say, “I told you so.” Besides with Otis so busy stuffing his face I doubt he would have even heard me.

About the only good thing I could say on that is at least in terms of talking abut being over something Otis didn’t say another word. Only I know sooner or later he’ll be all over something again. Then the joy will start all over.

CAN YOU FEEL THE LOVE?

How come the people that ask this are normally not that loving? Well maybe it is different where you live, but the person that says this the most in my town is the Reverend Analbe. And let me tell you if his idea of love is what you get exposed to then it probably feels a lot like something other than love.

Personally I don’t mind talking about love. You know it is sort of cool thing at times. Well as long as you don’t get all mushy about it. That kind just makes me want to puke.

The thing is in the Reverend’s case he has some funny ideas to me on the subject of what is being loving. I just guess I don’t consider making people feel miserable to be a way of showing how loving you are.

But it sure works for the Reverend. Why if he gets into one of his really loving moods man you better watch out because you are likely to end up so depressed you’ll want to go and jump off a cliff.

I reckon with him it wouldn’t be so bad if he just acted that way on Sunday when you went to his church. However he ain’t content to just tell you how crummy and hopeless you are on Sunday. He runs around town the rest of the time making sure he tells people that whenever he gets a chance.

I don’t know, I just have trouble figuring out how it is loving to tell people they are going to that place that ain’t heaven if you do anything he doesn’t like. And let me tell you there really ain’t much he does seem to like.

Well that is for eating I guess. He’s a big fan of that. At least for himself. I just can figure out how come if I run into in the donut shop that his eating three dozen donuts is okay with God, but he says if I do it I’m being a glutton? That is kind of confusing to me.

Although it ain’t half as confusing too me as when he makes me feel so crummy about the donuts to the point I end up giving them to him. Then while I standing there with my tummy growling and he’s stuffing his face, he goes on to tell me how all he told me is proof of how much he loves people. I guess I would believe him more if he wasn’t spitting bits of donut at me at the time.

About the only thing I have truly figure out from all of that is if I want to eat my donuts and don’t mind not feeling the Reverend’s version of love then I need to be sure I go to the donut shop when he ain’t there. The funny thing is for me, I don’t even feel less love in the process.

Plus I end up with my tummy not growling and that makes me happy. Sometimes I guess feeling the love ain’t as loving if it means you end up miserable in the process. At least that is what I’m thinking when I’m munching on a box of donuts without having to give them to the Reverend.

EMERGENCY EXITS

Alright I want to tell you that these things can be down right dangerous if you are not careful. And the thing that really bugs me is how come you need and exit for an emergency anyway? What happens if you have a emergency such as a bladder emergency and there isn’t an emergency exit around? I bet you never thought of that did you?
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Well I don’t care what they do to me. If I got to pee and there ain’t any emergency exit around I’m going to use the bathroom.

In fact the other day you know I was in this department store and my kidneys started screaming about needing attention. That was sure an emergency in my book.

And lucky me they did have this nice emergency exit over near the one wall. So I figure, hey that was one emergency that sure qualified because I sure didn’t want to embarrass myself by leaving any puddle in the middle of the carpet.

I went over and opened that door and I want to tell you those people who worked there were sure nasty about that. It was like they had never seen a dude with a need to pee before. I’m telling you they were just down right unreasonable.

Plus the moment I opened it there was this alarm that went off. Man that was like screaming to the world that I needed to take a leak. And who in the world needed that kind of attention when you got to pee? Not me that’s for sure.
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The other thing that really pissed me off was that there wasn’t even a darn decent place to take a leak when I did open that emergency exit door. What the heck good does it do to have any emergency exit if you have an emergency and can’t find a place to pee?

That was exactly my question I asked them too. Seems like a fair thing for them to have to answer.

But they didn’t seem to think so. In fact they had these two really big security guards who decided that instead of explaining my question they wanted to wrestle. Only they got kind of crappy about it and wanted to cheat by using these night sticks to win.

Only I didn’t buy into that one. Fortunately I was next to the sporting goods department and since I didn’t have my bat with me I was able to borrow one from the rack of them they had in the corner. I guess borrowing don’t count when I broke it in half by trying to reason with that one security guard and ended up whacking him one too many times on the head.

In any case, I reckon I won’t waste any more time going back to that store if they are going to get so snooty about using their emergency exit for a bladder emergency and them not wanting to let you do it. From now on I think I’ll stick to going to the mall. At least there they got lots of stores with emergency exits and I bet if I check all of them long enough I’ll find one with a decent toilet behind one of the emergency doors!

INFORMATION BOOTHS

Boy was this idea one that sucks. Now maybe you’ve had better luck with asking question at these places, but not me.

I’m telling you that trying to get real useful information from the guy at the mall information booth is about as helpful as calling 911 for information. I tried calling that number and all they wanted to know is what kind of emergency I had.

But I wasn’t having an emergency for crying out loud. I just wanted some stupid information. Course later I realized that I had goofed up and should have called 411. Sometimes my hand writing isn’t the best so I guess I marked down the wrong number.

That sure didn’t justify to me having that 911 lady get so darn snooty with me. And she told me if I didn’t have an emergency and called that number I could get in trouble with the police. Man that really pissed me off. I mean what was she going to do have me arrest for pushing the wrong numbers on a phone or something? Plus if I did have a real emergency like running out of toilet paper it hardly seemed like she needed to rat me out to the cops over it. Talk about a blabber mouth.

Anyway, getting back to the dude at the information booth. Jeez he was sure not very helpful. What good it is to claim you are there to give out information if everything I wanted to know in terms of information he couldn’t tell me? What good is that?

I didn’t think it should have been any big deal. I just wanted to have him tell me some information like anybody else. What I wanted to know was Santa Claus’s middle name. Is that too much to ask.

You know it is getting close to Christmas time and I figured well shoot I bet old Santa gets tired of having people send him all those letters where they try to act like he is there best bud. I guess I can’t blame them. I mean if there is one dude you want to suck up to at Christmas time it would be Santa.

So I thought he probably gets a little tired of that kind of letter. And I wanted to be different. That is why I figured I would toss in his middle name. Maybe it would impress him that I took the time to find it out. Couldn’t hurt huh?

Well that is all I wanted to know from the dude at the information booth. It didn’t seem like a big deal.

But would he tell me? Nooooo! That rat tried to claim he could only tell me junk about the mall. And you know nowhere on that booth did it say a darn word about him only having information about the mall. I call that being a dirty, no good and rotten creep.

Anyway I did try to point that out to the guy, but he still didn’t help me out. So I tried calling information. Darn one of these times I’ll get it straight and remember to dial 411 instead of 911. I’m sure the operator at 911 will appreciate it too as well as the cops she told.

LOST AND NOT FOUND

Ever have something or someone you wish were lost or if it or they did get lost you would celebrate? I know that when you talk about people wishing something like having them get lost isn’t very nice. But then fair is fair, some people aren’t very nice are they?

Now while I’m on this lost thing I wanted to mention one thing that really bugs me. It is like when my buddy Otis and I are out looking for some place. And sometimes we have trouble finding it. Well Otis will say something like “we’re lost.”

I don’t mean to be unkind when talking about my buddy, but frankly I think that is silly. Because we ain’t lost. Now I ask you could you ever be somewhere and not know how to find yourself? How likely is that to honestly happen.

What he really means is that the place we are trying to find is lost. Or more like we just don’t plain know how to get there. Because a store is a building and don’t have a brain so you know it can think or move so it can’t really be lost either.

Well now that I’ve gotten that all straightened out in case you were confused on it, let me get back to the lost and not found part. And like I said I got to be truthful and admit that with certain people like old rat boy, Junior Hemoglobin, I sure wouldn’t be upset if he ended up getting lost. I can tell you right now that he would remain not found if any of my buddies at STINK were put in charge of trying to find him.

Unfortunately it never seems to work out so the jerks you would love to see get lost are the ones that end up that way. It always seems to end up somebody you either don’t care about or don’t mind hanging with.

That is except for this one place in the mall. It is this store where lots of women shop that sells stuff like jewelry. And every once and a while when Otis and I are in the mall and we go by the place my buddy will be sociable and say hello.

Only those ladies that he meets sure seem to enjoy talking about somebody they call “ U clown” getting lost. That’s because whenever my buddy tries to talk to them they always say “get lost U clown.” I guess this guy must hang out at the mall a lot to have all those ladies wish he would get lost. But so far we haven’t run into him.

However if all those ladies are telling my buddy that then perhaps whoever this U clown is has already gotten lost. Still I’m not sure how come it is okay for them to wish this clown guy would get lost and I can’t tell Junior that. Guess that is one of those questions I’ll not get an answer to any time soon.

In the meantime I’m going to work on this lost and not found deal a little. I think I’ll start and visit the place I saw in the mall called Lost and Found. I want to find out from them how come they need a booth to put up some sign bragging about how they lose things and then find them. I mean how tough could it be to find something you lose in some dinky little booth? Maybe I’ll ask the guy in the information booth. That is if he doesn’t decide to take a lunch break when he sees me coming like he does other times.

NO PEEKY

So how come something is only a surprise if you close your eyes? At least it seems like that to me. Or maybe it is just that way at STINK.

About the only good thing with this no peeky is people only ask you to do it with something they think is good. Because well you know nobody would enjoy being surprised with something bad.

I like the principle of no peeky. I just wish I could be sure everyone else had the same idea about what is a good surprise.

You see we have this one person over there, Truly Grimy. Man when she tells you to close your eyes and no peeky, you can pretty much be sure she’s going to surprise you with something she cooked. Er I guess I wouldn’t call it cooked. Stirred perhaps, burnt definitely, but what you end up with something other than edible.

I only wish I could get Truly to understand her idea of no peeky just don’t work for me. And when she stuffs that spoon of yuck into somebody’s mouth it ain’t a sign of surprise to have them gagging.

But outside of her the rest of the folks at STINK are pretty cool for the no peeky thing. Well except for old rat boy Junior. If that dude says no peeky it means he wants you to close your eyes while he hides some hunk of cheese he doesn’t want to share.

And frankly after he puts his grubby paws on it there ain’t nobody I know of that would want to touch his stupid cheese. But try to tell him that.

Now I don’t like saying this but the one person you got to worry about when he says no peeky it is our ninety-four year old janitor Ramy Jarvis. I mean if he says it that means he is probably going to try and stuff something in your pocket. He gets kind of confuse about the difference between a trash can and people’s pockets.

I also hate to mention this, but there are times when I don’t like to close my eyes for the no peeky thing if my buddy Otis says it. Now if it is right on payday then you best not do it without hiding your wallet. Because it might be a cool guy and all, but on payday he has this little problem in terms of wanting to borrow without asking.

Other than that no peeky at STINK is okay. And I even like to get in on telling folks that. But sometimes I get it mixed up with the pull my finger thing. The one thing you don’t want to do is confuse those to unless you have them close their eyes first.

That’s just passed on as a word to the wise. And maybe the not so wise. Now if you know somebody who is into no peeky stuff perhaps this will save you from losing your wallet or getting whiff of something you would rather not smell.

Meanwhile, I’m working on my own version of no peaky at STINK. I just got to figure out the part about how long I can get the guys to keep their eyes close while I eat all the lunch on the lunch counter.

Thought for the week: "You can't take it with you, but spend it all before somebody get's it!"

LET THE GOOD ROLLS TIME!

Some moron said this as let the good times roll. Now I ask you is that silly or what? Now you have times that are good without rolls right? I mean donuts will put a smile on your face too. So how come it has to be only rolls that let you have a good time.

Which is why I wanted it to be let the good as in fun stuff rolls as in be as tasty to our lives as a roll be all the time. Or as often as possible. Get it?

I sure hope so because let me tell you I was trying to explain this thing to this guy I ran into at the donut shop. And he had the nerve to suggest that there was something in my hot chocolate besides hot chocolate. Well he sort of changed his mind after I kind of used this stale donut to um, let’s just say he didn’t do much talking after that. But at least I say the good rolls since it was a round donut, jelly filled even, when the time I wanted it to happen.

Despite that jerk I ain’t giving up on my way of saying this. But I think what I need to do is perhaps get one of those object lessons to be sure people get it.

That’s where you find an object and use it to teach somebody who otherwise is sort of dense when it comes to understanding. So you got to use a really good object to make sure they get it.

The way I figure that means I’m going to get me something like a really big rock that is round enough to roll. Then I’ll put it on a hill or something and prop it up and then I’ll get a siren. So when the right time I can let go of that big rock and let it roll down the hill and give a person a lesson they won’t forget.

Of course I will also probably need to do something such as shout good so they get it. And I bet they sure will after that.

Why shoot if they get run over by that stone I bet they will have no trouble at all understanding when I run up to them and say let good rolls time. Gosh that will be so cool.

You know it really does make me happy to sit here and think up such cool ways to help folks understand things. I just wish it wasn’t so darn hard to get some people to figure things out.

I mean shoot it would be so much more fun if I could just sit down with some donuts and hot chocolate and tell people to let the good rolls time and they would smile eat their donuts and do one of those cheer things with the hot chocolate.

It is just too bad there are so many folks in this world who don’t get it without help. Maybe once I get the hang of getting enough people to understand this saying then I can start with some other ones too.

I’m thinking the next one I want to work on is that you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him pink. Guess I’ll need a paint brush for that one.