ROLLERCOASTERS AND JELLY BEANS

Alright, I bet there are plenty who are sure that there is no way I can make these two work together. But I intend to just the same.

And you would figure that by now those who have read my stuff would know I always manage to do just that. Sorry to disappoint any who were expecting me to mess up.

So what is the connection? Well I think for one it is because that rollercoaster can really spread on the joy. Make something seem oh so sweet, but also scary.

Yeah, it can be a big deal. You get on that thing and man your stomach ends up in your brain or worse.

Really amazing stuff. And that is a good thing. You wouldn't get on some rollercoaster and not expect it to do that. Sort of required.

Well with jelly you expect certain things too. It better taste darn sweet and really good. No yucky stuff.

Of course you normally don't like eat jelly just by itself. Nope you won't do it as a rule. Don't think it is a law though.

Glad of that. I wouldn't want any jelly police coming over and busting my butt just for licking spoon.

Man I'll have to check on that one. Might be really scary to think of somebody doing that.

Guess down the road perhaps I will have to do an investigation to find out. Yeah an all jelly report. Sounds cool.

But for this posting I will just stick with the roller coasters and jelly. Yep, they are both important.

And you always know how much if they are missing. Course I might miss the jelly more. I get a lot more peanut butter and jelly sandwiches than I do rollercoaster rides.

Oh wait one, now here is the ultimate. Eating jelly while on a rollercoaster. Oh man I sure want to try that.

Hmmm, now here is even a bigger and better idea. A rollercoaster made out of jelly. Yeah you get to ride it and then eat it.

Wow, I got to write these down somewhere. Oh yeah, I sure got to tell somebody about this. I bet I could make a fortune with it.
All I have to do is fine a place to have enough jelly to build one.

BUMPER CARS

How come you can only do this at some amusement park? I think they are great. And it is so cool smashing into somebody without being yelled at.

Only they don't let you do it anywhere else. I thought this would be great to do with our garbage truck.

And very convenient too. I mean you got a truck full of garbage so if you run over something or even somebody, no problem.

Now you would think that a sure fire idea which anybody would be thrilled to enjoy. Just a chance to vent a little and make it fun at the same time.

Is that so terrible? Honestly is it? You would think I would get a bonus for such creativity.

But no such luck. When I proposed it I was darn sure that they would thank me for the brilliant suggestion.

I was expecting you know at the very least they would celebrate my genius. Okay a raise would have been nice too.

That didn't happen either. Nope, I got zip from anyone. Other than a few snide comments like I was some kind of moron.

Well let me tell you I'm not wasting my brilliance on them any longer. Just a waste of my effort.

Nope I'm going to save it for those who are my real friends. The ones that spend time actually talking to me and treating me like a pal.

Yeah, now those are true buds. Okay, I do admit Otis is too. Yeah, he does alright for me.

Only well at times I will admit he ain't quite as helpful as I would like at times. Which is why I like spending time with my other pals.

They are such a great bunch too. We have lots of fun talking about all my ideas and letting them tell me how great they are.

I just wish they could come and visit me sometimes. But the doctors won't give them a pass.

So I have to go and see them during visiting hours. Got to admit the food isn't the best. Well when they are eating cake that isn't there I don't really seem to savor the flavor that much.

FLAGPOLE SITTING

Will somebody please tell me how this makes any sense? Since when did somebody figure that was a way to treat a flag pole?

What kind of chair can a flag pole make? Honestly am I the only one who has figured this out?

Plus how on earth would you get it to fit into your house? They are hardly small. And no way I'm trying it.

Well maybe if you used it as sort of a couch that might work. But still don't imagine it would be a good couch.

I know people get weird about furniture at times. You know turn strange stuff into things you use as furniture.

Only I do wonder with something like a flag pole. I mean what happens come Flag Day? Where are you suppose to put a stupid flag if there ain't any poles?

I suppose you could like perhaps you know, sit on the pole and wave the flag. But yours arms might get tired.

Then what? I bet nobody thought of that either. See how hard I have to work in order to make things work decent.

This can be so exhausting to deal with at times. People just don't appreciate how much. Why I wish they would give me a few thanks at times.

But I doubt that will ever happen. Oh well that is okay. I'm really do get kind of hopeful that will change someway.

Not sure how, but I will work on it just the same. It can be kind of frustrating to have that all messed up and nobody care.

But that is okay. I'm still not going to give up thinking about it. Might not be able to completely improve it, but I will try.

And that is the best thing. I can try. Oh this can be rather annoying at times. But what the heck I have time.

Which is fine by me. For there are so many occasions when this needs to be done. Not just for flagpoles, but other stuff too.

I will definitely be sure that comes along soon too. Maybe after I figure where the hide the flag poles that have been made into furniture. I'm sure they are out there somewhere. Just have to find them.

CURES

Oh man is this a good thing or what? I just love the idea. And let me tell you I sure do savor those deals.

Now how come they don't have cures for everything? Sure would make life a lot easier. Only nobody seems to care about some things that need cures.

Like traffic lights. Those things can be downright evil if you ask me. I swear the hate me.

And I know they can read minds. I mean shoot they seem to know when I'm really in a hurry and will turn red on me.

Plus they will stay that way for the longest time. Like they are able to do that just to pis me off.

And then it is like they figure out the best way to be sure I'm the last to get a green light. Which really sucks.

Personally, I think there is probably a bunch of really tiny jerks in them who love to play sick jokes. And so they just do that to spite us.

And that is not cool. So how do we fix that problem? Yeah come on where is the cure for it?

I ain't even heard of anyone working on one right now. Nope not even trying. Is that fair?

Not to me. And if I ever find out who is in charge of those things I'm going to be sure I tell them they better knock that stuff off.

Really they need to fix this problem before somebody gets in big trouble. And I'm talking about me.

Yep, I really am going to get in big trouble one of these days at STINK for being late when these darn signal lights ruin my day. I want them to stop being such jerks.

And let me tell you I will find them sooner or later too. They can't hide forever. Nope that isn't going to happen.

But until I find them, I'm going to try and stick with the streets that only have stop signs. You know what to expect from them.

I know I will be happy to watch out for them. They don't mess with you very long. Maybe one cure would be to have stop signs talk to signal lights. Sure would be so cool if that solved the problem.

FIRE ESCAPES

Gee, I would have never given any thought to fire having to escape from some place. Really does sound kind of weird.

I would have figured that fire could just burn itself through some problem. Hard to be sure why it would have a problem.

But it must be a bigger problem than I could imagine if fire needs an escape from wherever it is trapped. And as long as it escapes somewhere other than to my place then I guess it is okay.

I don't know, this is one of those deals I reckon is fine. Something where I would wish fire good luck at its new location.

But I might be prone to want to know more details. Like was it unhappy where it was? And was it being abused?

Not sure how you actually abuse fire though. Perhaps you use a fire extinguish to scare it. Make it unhappy or something.

And I bet that is not a cool thing to do to fire. Might make it really mad too. Which is okay.

As long as it doesn't decide to get even in some sneaky way. Like attacking your underwear drawer.

Nothing would really be a bigger tragedy than opening up your drawer and finding all your underwear is burnt to a crisp. Doesn't wear too good like that.

Outside of that I reckon I will be happy for fire if it escapes. And how knows perhaps once it escapes it will feel better.

Then do something more worthwhile than just burn up stuff. That would really be great. Only you never know when that will happen for the good.

Can't be sure if fire can be trusted. Haven't talked to it. So can't say what it will really act like.

But that is okay. I will be in no hurry to find out either. Nope, I will just be happy to let fire be off by itself.

And I will do the same. As long as it don't come over to my place and start causing trouble. That will not make me a happy guy.

But I will have to wait and see. Fire so far has not messed up my day. And that is the way I hope to keep it.

JAWS OF LIFE

Oh man this is so important. A really big deal. The first I heard about it I figured it was one of the best things possible.

I mean shoot think about it I saw those darn shark movie. The one called Jaws. Then it wasn't bad enough the scared the crap out o you with the first one, they made more of them.

Like that as a smart move. Really, I sure didn't go near the beach after that. Just no way I want to do is be sure I let any stupid killer shark risk munching on my beanie or my butt.

You can forget that idea. Man the nerve of those dang fish decided to make meal out of people. Why can't the eat fast food like anyone else?

That is when I heard about this whole jaws of life thing. And boy did it get me excited. Imagine the idea that there could be some killer sharks out there that honestly try and reform from trying to eat people.

And I guess they spend their time doing good things like helping others. Boy is that great or what?

I mean heck I think it would be great to meet one of these good sharks. I would sure love to hear their story.

Like what turned them from that terrible life of munching on people to doing nice things instead. I bet it is a great story.

However, as long as these sharks are really, really for honest to sure reform then cool. You know I wonder if they like sign a form or something that makes sure they promise to never munch on people again.

Then that is okay. Like if you get them to show off how they you know carry it with them at all times.

Now what I also would like to know is what exactly do they do as jaws of life? Do they run around and do lots of good deeds?

Seems like a far question to ask. Gosh I hope they are doing stupid junk like you know passing out brochures for time sharing places.

Well, I don't think I will be in any hurry to find out. I will be happy if they do their jaws of life thing somewhere else.

And I won't bug them either. Just you know head on my way and not dangle my naked butt in the ocean to tempt them.

SAVE ME, SAVE ME

SAVE ME, SAVE ME

Do I need to hear this twice from somebody? Not really. I mean I can save twice at the same time. So once ought to be enough.

Oh perhaps they worry that you didn't hear them the first time. But unless you moved or something of course you did.

But this whole deal does get confusing I suppose. I mean all that stuff we hear them say about stuff like life saving techniques. Does any of it include hearing suggestions?

Don't remember it being mentioned that way. Nope, not something that we got expressed that I recall.

And I wish if it was important somebody would have told me so. Which would be a big help for a grimefighting super hero.

Course we spend most of our time doing junk like saving the world. And the world seldom says anything.

But then I can't imagine there would be a likely reason it would. Just not something I expect that would be a good thing.

Yeah, what with all the junk that the world has to worry about anyway, I suppose it doesn't have much time to do that crying save me even once. Which is probably for the best.

In any case, we do get to move on at times and work on saving people too. Only they don't always seem to appreciate it.

I mean I figured that it is best to like not be too long in helping. I prefer to help before the person asks for help.

Oh well, that is no big deal. Except when they don't say thank you. Like the other day. When I saw this person in need.

Yeah, all I want to do is help. I figured that was a good thing. Just lending a hand to some dude that looked like he was having problems.

How was I to know that he didn't want help opening his trunk. I thought when you have a flat tire that was a good thing to do.

But he kept saying to leave him alone. Well I knew he would be grateful if I did it anyway.

So when he was gone to use a pay phone, I got that trunk open. Boy was it a mess in there. All these bags of white powder. I was afraid somebody might steal them, so I call the cops for his protection. They came by and guess decided he needed protection too. Apparently they said that powder was some kind of drugs. Well guess they didn't like him having all those vitamins or cough syrup for himself.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK: "How come they call it elections, when I would elect none of the above?"

EQUAL

I love this idea, but let me tell you some got a strange idea of equal. Why they even mess with it in sugar.

I was over in the store the other day and you know checking out the important stuff when all of sudden I spied this place where they had these little bags with that word on them. They were all the same size so that was good.

But you know what didn't make any sense is no where did it say what they were equal to. I mean I do remember with math how you put like 2 times 2 on one side and then an equals sign before some on other number.

Only I didn't see any number these little packets were suppose to equal. I don't know, just you know seems like they are weird with that. If you are going to say it is equal to then by golly show me the other part.

Just kind of annoys me you know that these people act like that. Get you all excited there is an equal then they don't tell you what it is.

I think I would complain, but not sure to whom. Seems kind of pointless if you ask me. I mean really not fair.

But that is okay I guess you know people do have their own idea of math I suppose. And I heard there are some weird kinds too.

Stuff that uses things like formulas and calculating and junk like that. Sounds like people who have too much time on their hands if you ask me.

And they get bored, so they think up goofy junk to think about. Which is okay I guess as long as they don't start messing with food.

Now that is where it gets serious to me. Oh yeah, that really is not cool. And those dang people better knock it off.

Because otherwise there could be some big trouble. I'm talking serious problems. You go around being unfair and acting like equal is something other than equal and people are going to get upset.

Now if you want to do that with junk, cool. But that is okay I guess. Which for me is not what I want to deal with.

A choice of somebody else. As for me, you just keep your paws off my sugar unless you are wiling to actually do what you say and give me the equal whatever of what you got ought there.

I will live with that. As long as you cough up any extra you are hiding too.

GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS

Well this is pretty easy to understand. There is stuff that gives us a smile and stuff that makes us groan.

And if we are lucky the stuff that makes us groan is not as bad as the stuff making us smile is good.

Kind of a cool when it works out that way. Not sure it always does thought. I'm personally working on ways to improve that.

I want to figure a way of cutting down on the bad part. I can't imagine it will be all that hard to improve.

And so far I'm kind of leaning towards well a special thought for myself. Yeah, a way to really get all the bad put somewhere safe.

I reckon it would really be nice to have some kind of storage thing you can use as a trash compactor. Just to squeeze the stuff till you can recognize it any longer.

Yep, I like that idea. Kind of cool when you think of it. Oh man wouldn't it be really great to get this taken care of all the time?

I could get use to it. A nice and thoughtful way to make life easier for everyone. Oh just when you have a chance to savor the moment.

That is the one where you press the button and say good-bye to the bad stuff. Sounds really cool to me.

But then I guess you can exactly get everyone to do that. Otherwise it might get confusing.

All that squished bad stuff could sort of be hard to get rid of. Might have to take turns. Not sure if we would need some kind of waiting list for that.

Which would be a bad list in itself. Not ready to figure it out at the moment. Still trying to get the hand of the trash compactor.

Well it shouldn't be that tough. But those compactors can be so hard to use. Like you know you have to open them and then make sure you squish all the trash first.

Otherwise it might not all fit. And where would the joy in that be? I have no idea. But then you can take lessons I guess.

I hope I can find a good trash compactor school somewhere. One that doesn't cost too much. Yep, compress the price to go with all the others stuff. I like that idea, providing I can find the place to take the lessons.

TIME ZONES

Do we really need these things? I sure wonder at times. Like what happens if you move from one time zone to another and forget to change your watch?

Is say Father Time going to like going to hunt you down and beat the snot out of you for not fixing your watch? Seems like a fair question to me.

I sure need to know in case I do get into one of those other time zones. Plus you know do things age different if you move them from one time zone to another.

I sure don't want to you know because if like I'm hauling some nice lunch with me I sure don't want to get to the next time zone and have it spoil. Any chance that old father time has some kind of warranty?

Guess not. Heck I don't even know where you find the dude. Must be such a pain to have to run around all the time making hands a watches move.

I wonder if he had a spasm attack when they created those digital watches? But then I guess it could do something to weird that part too.

Oh well, would still be nice to have a chance to check things out with him. You know have a chance to talk about time and other good stuff.

Always think it might help. Maybe even get him to give us a break on how much time he lets us have.

Could it hurt to maybe to say have him also let us have some extra time? An hour or two for sleep or whatever?

Maybe he has some rules about it that I don't understand. Like time has a union or something.

But I sure don't want to find out myself. Would rather just have a break on the sleeping part.

Seems like a reasonable request. Hmmm, perhaps he could you know let us borrow some time from tomorrow.

Kind of like using credit. Only you never really get a chance to pay it back. Gosh I wonder how that would work anyway?

Guess I probably won't have a chance to find out soon. Don't reckon Father Time is willing to give us that kind of option.

But then perhaps we could fill out a petition. Yeah that might scare him. As when I saw this one guy filling one out and I asked him about it and he said he was killing time. Hope Father Time got the message.

EXCEEDING THE SPEED

Okay, how come people do this? I mean aren't they smart enough to know if you break something it might not be something you can fix?

And let me tell you that is not a good thing when it gives me problems. These people just don't seem to get it.

Where does all this breaking stop? First you break the speed limit then what next? I mean that limit was put there for some reason.

And in fact it is so important they even have this thing called the sound barrier. Which has something to do with the speed of sound I reckon.

Which sounds very strange to me. I mean who knows what kind of machine sound need to speed.

Nor does anybody mention where it travels or how fast. Is there like a motorcycle watching to see if sound is going faster than its allowed speed limit?

And does it needs a driver's license? Well does it? Kind of something we should have a right to know.

But I reckon whoever is in charge of this speed thing doesn't bother to tell us such things. Like it is some secret.

Man is that unfair or what? I sure think so. I mean what if you are like walking along and minding your own business and whammo you get run over by sound?

I think somebody ought to be on watch for that kind of thing. But I haven't heard of anyone keep tract in any way.

Well I know I will if somebody tells me where to look. Like where do sound like to go for a drive?

And what kind of wheels does it drive? So I can be sure to watch out for sure. Really feel like I have a right to know.

And I sure hope to find out soon enough. I suppose I have to allow for there being a place that has the information.

Now my first thought would be a place like a hospital. I hear they have a place for keeping quiet. So that means they got a place for making noise too.

Yep, I bet they know all about this. Only I don't know if I can find a person there to tell me.

Hard to think you can get that info from a place that has a room just for doing nothing, but waiting. Guess being sick means you shouldn't be in a hurray.

SUFFERING

Oh man this is not a good thing. Unless you get smiles from making someone else feel that way.

But you do have be careful to be sure the person deserves it. You can do it to the wrong person or you will be in big trouble.

Yep, that can be a big mistake. And let me tell you when that happens you can end up suffering in the process.

That is never a good thing. Unless you are talking about something where they happen to enjoy the suffering from some reason.

And that will not be a good thing otherwise. So you are best to forget that option. Just not a good idea.

In any case you can move on with other options. Now you can be sure I truly do savor when I can you know use my bat for an explanation.

Those are such wonderful moments. I will move on unfortunately to another choice. I'm not saying that because I want to give up the joy.

Just because it savors the thoughts in a good way. That makes it sound like I'm not going to keep up my old habits.

But then I do have to say that you understand. It is just something I have to say at times in keeping with my image as a good guy grimefighting super hero.

However, that is the part I am careful about. So you can be sure that I will not do that again when there are witnesses.

So in case, I suppose I will move on here. I will try and find the joy of making it work without getting accuse of only wanting to bash people.

But then I will move on and just have lots of practice swings. And if a few happen to hit the right person even better.

That is the part that really works for me. Yeah, a few practice swings. Nobody can ever complain about that one.

Nope, not unless they happen to be the ones who like don't bother to know how to duck. Then that can really cause problems.

In any case I will just manage to keep my bat buddy where he needs to when I have to call upon him. And that will depend on when some people decide to make a big deal about being hit.

WATCHING

There sure is a lot of stuff that needs to be watched. All the time too. Just can't trust some people.

Or even some appliances. They can be so sneaky. Really something that you can't be too careful about.

I mean most people never give thought to how dangerous and sneaky that appliances can be. They are really far more in need of being watch that some realize.

Yeah, when you think of it, that is so darn smart. Oh them darn appliances like to pretend to be harmless and all, but they aren't.

Which is what makes things tough. Because you never know when they will pull something funny. They can be so good and fooling you.

There you are just harmlessly wanting to use them for stuff the always do and they suddenly act goofy. Or they break down.

Yeah, they are good at such things. Really can be such a pain. You can be sitting there just imagine they will cooperate, when they poop out.

They can be so good at that kind of thing. And it is like they know for sure when to mess with your mind.

Like when you have an extra big load of clothes to do and the washer breaks down. As if that is an accident.

I mean they do spend a lot of time alone. So who knows what they are up to when you are not around.

Which is why I want to sit around and check them out at times. Especially if they are not aware if you are there.

They you can see if they are just pretending to be harmless while the whole time plotting something terrible. Like making sure they don't work right.

And let me tell you they can sure be good at that part. Nothing drives a person more nuts that an appliance that misbehaves.

And naturally they are not going to care. They will be so heartless in that regard. Just sit there and not even laugh at you, even if they really are.

Yep, I'm wise to that part. Really is something you always have to watch out for. Otherwise it can happen before you know it. And you never know when they might do it again, so that is why I bash them once and a while just to let them no who is boss. Wish they didn't break down right afterwards though.

TAKE ME TO ANOTHER...

Oh yeah love when you get good directions. Just to have a nice chance to another of something you really want.

Really gives me lots of reasons to smile. Providing the person gives me the right information.

Some people ain't too good at that sort of thing. They really can be downright nasty about it.

Which really sucks at times. It is as if they know where the cool stuff is, but don't want you to know about it.

That is hardly a good way for them to act either. But you know they do just the same and that is not what I enjoy.

So you have to be careful about dealing with them jerks. Make sure they don't sneak in any phony directions.

Course you do have to apply some common sense. Don't ask for directions from the wrong person.

Like if you see some skinny dude jogging down the road, he might not be the person to ask about stuff like the location of the candy store. Just a helpful hint.

And let me tell you I sure wish more people would figure that part out Sure would have made things easier in terms of risking getting sent to the some location.

But that has the part you have to work on. Well providing you can smarten up terms recognizing nice people from jerks.

It can be hard. Some jerks are really good at hiding their identity. Really are sneaky. And hard to figure out at times.

So the best way is to take time to ask the right questions. Like if they tell you how to get to a given candy store ask them if they have been there too.

That helps. And if they can describe what it has in really good detail, they may be one of those lying jerk types.

Which is one to be avoided. Course if you mess up and they pull a fast one on your then you just be sure you don't ask them a second time.

That is when you are being a jerk to yourself. Not a good thing to be sure. Only don't yell at yourself much.

You know, if you can give yourself a break, then who can?

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK: "If you try to compare apples and oranges, are you some fruit salad freak?"

HERE I AM

Well yep, it is true, there you is. But so what? You want a medal for showing up? I'll give you one if you shut up about it and stop bugging me.

Sorry, but with some people that is how I feel. They are such jerks. Somehow I'm suppose to be thrilled they showed up.

Like that really is going to make my day. As if the world is going to be better because they are here.

Wherever here happens to be at the time. That can depend on the person I guess. All I know is unless you are bringing jelly beans then shut up about it.

Sorry, but if you are going to bore the heck out of me then give me a break and go else where. Yeah, take your greatest of a butt and haul it somewhere that people may care.

I sure am not. Unless you for some reason stop deciding to act like a pain in the butt. Then maybe we can talk.

I guess I appreciate how you know, I do have to realize being a super hero and all that I do attract a few fans. Hard to avoid the hero worshipping.

They do have some weird names for heroes too. Since when is butthead and knucklehead consider as good names for a super hero?

Guess you do have to make allowance for some people being strange. I know how being around a super hero might scramble their brains a tad, but they ought to like learn to control themselves before meeting me.

Oh some do a better job than others. They even act so casual about it that they call me what's his name.

Nice of them to handle hiding their being so nervous. Guess it is nice they have that self control. Even to the point of falling asleep when I talk to them. Now that is what I call impressive.

Well to a point I guess. Not all the time, but some times. An in the process I would be happy if they took time to you know take a break from the acting so casual and did some real worshipping stuff.

More like getting them to take a few hints. Sure would be great if they could do that. I reckon that is too much to ask though.

But I am going to work on it. Like maybe use my bat as persuasion. You know a little touch of special super hero style wake up call. Yep, that ought to make them smile, after they wake up.

AREN'T THOUGH?

This is more of that first stuff about where for? Like they go together. And let me tell you they sure don't go together in my thinking.

I mean where and thou just do fit in any way at all. You know because they are like totally different.

Now where is about a place. And thou is about people. So where does anyone get off saying they go together?

I just don't think that is reality. Really been thinking about that a lot lately too. I mean it sure seems to be missing a lot from things.

Like this whole deal. I'm kind of bored with this junk that don't really make sense. Only it won't go away.

Every time I turn around somebody is coming up with this kind of crazy stuff. Which is not a cool thing from my view.

I think it means there are some really strange people out there who are into lots of crazy junk. They all seem to be consumed with this crazy notion of everything being the same.

All I know is that this ain't a good thing. No from my view. Yeah, this really sucks big time.

I sure don't want anybody telling me a thing and a person are the same thing. Why who knows what will happen after that?

What if people stopped being able to tell the difference? Man it could be horrible. Like soon they might start confusing stuff like food for people.

I know I wouldn't be crazy about suddenly have some jerk try to take a bite out of my butt while thinking it was a hamburger. Yeah, that could be just the beginning.

From their they might move on to even crazier ideas. Oh my god what if they start going after jelly beans? That would really be a nightmare.

Well I'm not going to let that happen. I'm preparing myself right now against any crazed loonies running around and drooling when seeing my butt.

And it they dare try to lay a hand on my jelly beans, bam, they will be in really big trouble. Now that is really sucky.

Well I'm going to be extra careful any times they do this. I will be in the mod of search and bash. And by golly, they better watch out is all I can say. For the first one that even looks like he wants my jelly beans and he won't look again!

WHERE FOR?

WHERE FOR?

This is kind of silly to me. The where for are something stuff. I mean if you don't know just ask.

Like where is that? How tough can that be? Doesn't seem like a big deal. But I guess it is too much for some.

I heard about this writer due who said this where for thing at times. Made me sort of wonder what his problem was?

I guess he might have had trouble getting lost a lot. That would make sense I reckon. Kind of shame though.

Seems like he could ask for directions. I bet he was like Otis. It don't matter how often we are headed out and not sure where we are going, he won't ask for help.

As for me, heck I don't mind asking for directions. People seem more than willing to help if you are nice to them.

And let me tell you they sure have saved me some headaches at times. Like the other day, I needed to find this one candy store.

Only I wasn't sure how to get to the address. So I stopped this dude on the street to see if he knew where it was.

And after I mention candy he got really excited. Ask me if I like the type that came in bags. Mentioned something about sweet white powder and needles.

Now that sure sounded weird to me. Then he mentioned stuff like scoring and a bunch of other strange stuff.

I guess he was somebody who enjoyed thinking about baseball a lot what with talking about scores and all. Guess that is okay, but they don't sell the best candy there.

Anyway I did follow this guy's direction. Took me to some part of the city that is sort or run down.

And when I got to the place boy was it crowded. There were all these cops outside and some had the word NARC on their jackets.

I have no idea of what kind of candy that was. But I guess it must have been very expensive.

I mean they had all these guns and what not so you do wonder if this was like an incredible expensive type of candy. I didn't stick around to find out though. Didn't need to spend that kind of money just for some jelly beans.

HOW COME?

Okay you know this is an really important question. One I sure ask it a lot. About a lot of things.

And I wish asking it got me some answers. But it never does. Not even when I ask somebody who is suppose to know junk.

It is like that stupid operator over at the phone company. They say they give out information, but it sure doesn't seem like the kind that really helps me much.

I mean I tried calling them to ask important questions like what the zip code is for the North Pole. You would figure they would get that question all the time.

But did they answer my question? NOOOO! Which really made me mad. Not as much as when I wanted to known Santa's hat size. Thought I would send him a beanie for variety from that elf hat he wears.

And don't let me get started on the time I asked about how bit Rudolph's butt was? Hey, I got a ride to know.

But they sure didn't seem to think so. And let me tell you that sucked. However, I think i learned from that situation.

Been taking my business to the library these days. Actually I took it to the mall first. Only those guys at that information booth were no help at all.

They did introduce me to that security dude who wanted to show me some wrestling moves. Didn't know you needed a night club for wrestling.

But seeing how getting a headache in the process resulted from all that wrestling I figured it was best to try elsewhere. Which is of course why I've been trying the public library

And they sure do have the nicest folks working there. Too bad they get sick so often. Always seem to happen too right after I show up.

Sorry they get so sick right at that moment. I really wanted to know how bad an elephant's fart stinks compare to a human's?

I mean why shouldn't I have a right to know that. You never know when you might be in some place that stinks.

And there might be an elephant hiding somewhere. The kind that would stomp on you just to hear you bones go squish.

So I figure knowing that is really a good and important thing to know. But you just can't get the librarian's to appreciate the importance. I'm just waiting for the day when some elephant ends up stomping on them after hiding in some closet. Yeah where they pretend to be a trunk. They do that a lot from what I've been told.

BROWNIES AND LIFE

Well I like times you can think of life in terms of food. You know, you have to eat. So it is important to make sure we don't forget those snacks.

You know there are times when life take a bite out of your butt. Now you can't bite it back.

So you end up needing to bite something else. Better a brownie than somebody's behind. At least they don't arrest you for that.

See, the way I figure you need to be sure you know that you avoid taking that choice. It can get you in lots of trouble.

Whereas chomping on a nice tasty brownie is not going to upset anyone. Well unless you stole if from them. Then they might get upset.

So to me as long as you ignore those darn crazy people who claim that want you to not bite even cool stuff you'll be fine. There are too many of them out there.

They say stuff like don't eat sugar. Only they never give you an option. They offer you some silly stuff to eat that is good for you, but tastes lousy.

And where is the joy in that? I can't see it. Not in my view. Nope you can forget that even making me happy.

And I figure that is why they are so dang grumpy. Yep, they can keep that stuff you wouldn't bite if somebody paid you.

Instead I am going to concentrate on the good options. Those are the ones that don't make me grumpy.

And let me tell you that right up their on my list is brownies. They are just extra chewy and that makes them count in my book.

I haven't given up on jelly beans. But I need a little diversity. And plus they are made of chocolate. Which is even better.

Meanwhile, I am moving on with this thing. I have a big plan for no brownie voids in my life.

A nice safe way to avoid the grumpy risks. Works good. And that way nobody gets yelled at either.

And even better choice if you ask me. Such a joy in my view. While those sneering dudes can munch on bean sprouts or whatever, I'll just stick with my brownie and smile while they are pissed off again.

BEING NEEDED

Now if you are talking about being needed where you help somebody and they end up being grateful this is a good deal. But if you are like being needed by somebody who is a pain in the butt, forget it.

Like if I have to be needed by old rat boy, Junior Hemoglobin, well that isn't going to be fun. Oh he needs us alright, just not for cool stuff.

I like when we help those such as a damsel in distress. There are a few of them around you know.

I think it might even be a job of some kind. Can't say for sure, but you know who there are all kinds of weird jobs these days.

I imagine there could be a school where they can train for that type of employment. Never seen it listed in papers, but I reckon it probably could be found.

I just don't know if I would care to find out the location. I mean to they like hire out damsel to places in distress? Well do they?

Man I would hate to think of the homework too. Or the tests they offer. I bet it includes you know, some swooning lessons. Damsels in distress seem to do that a lot.

Not that it really is a big deal. Just you know I reckon there really is a lot to this whole damsel thing that somebody considers worth knowing.

Now as a grimefighter I do admit that there are times when saving the world can be kind of exhausting. And so you sort of like to have a good reward to feel it was worth all the trouble.

And I hate to be honest about it here, but you damsels are the best at giving out cool rewards. Really what they offer is a stupid kiss on the cheek. Like I can take that to bank or eat it?

Wish they could do something more helpful like say pass out some jelly beans. That way I could feel I got something decent out of the deal.

Oh you can't quite tell them either. They aren't good at that part. Too much swooning on their part I think.

Don't have time to you know actually go shopping. Maybe if they could not be in distress as much it would help.

You would think they would have a chance to learn the difference and perhaps find better ways to steer clear of the distress stuff at times. Then they wouldn't have to only kisses on cheeks for helping them out.

TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER

Yeah, this is something I would love to do. Come on take me to the clown in charge who created this stupid mess.

I want to find this moron and ask him just what kind idiot he is? Sure must be a big one considering how fouled up things get at times.

It is hard to imagine some idiot really planned things to be like that. But I also figure they didn't get this bad by accident.

And how come if they are so incompetent we can't replace them? Really, when something doesn't work shouldn't that be the option?

Guess not with leaders though. You got to admit no matter how bad some of them stink they still get to be in charge.

Is this a good thing? I don't think so. I mean you can even go to the person and till them to knock it off.

They are too busy having meetings to make you think they know what they are doing. Only things don't improve. So you end up just moseying around where they are located and trying to understand what really doesn't make sense.

Well you can be sure I'm not going to buy that one. Man this is not a good deal. I want those weirdoes to go somewhere else.

Yeah, lets give somebody else a chance to screw things up. At least it would be different. And that would be less boring.

But I don't know if I can get lots of cooperation on that part. I mean people really seem to think it is okay.

Why, I have no idea. I mean it is really strange to me. Just come on let's be taken over to these leaders and tell them to take a hike.

Lord knows they have been taking everything else. And keeping it too. Now is that fair? How come some of the rest of us can have our time to make life suck?

I could handle that. I wouldn't even need any practice. Heck, doesn't seem like the practice helps those who are working at it now.

But that's okay. I got a plan. Going to start a new leadership option. I will promise if in charge to not do a thing.

Yeah, honesty should be a big plus. Hope others will feel the same way. Eventually at least.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK: "How come people who say I know, don't really know?"

LEASING

Now somebody tell me what the big deal with this thing is. You are paying for stuff you get to use, but don't get to keep.

This is a good thing? According to who? Not to me. I feel there is enough junk in the world I pay to use and keep without buying more stuff that I can't keep.

Now want I'm curious about is what happens if this has to do with food or drink? I sure don't think I want any leased jelly beans that I have to barf up later.

But I guess this is a good deal to some people. They will lease like cars and houses and junk.

Since I don't mess with any of those I don't worry about them much. Might be cool in some ways though.

I mean you could like fart in the car and really stink it up and then give it back. Bet they wouldn't be less than happy over that part.

The only thing I can figure is the leasing dudes are maybe like you know, extra generous. So they let you use their stuff for fee since they wouldn't use it otherwise.

Boy I wish they could lease out brains. Oh yeah that would be a great idea. Shoot you could probably get a good deal on say old rat boy's brain.

Heck, never seen him use it so I figure it would be such a bargain. But I reckon old Junior's brain is clogged with cheese, so maybe that isn't a good deal.

Beside the person might end up taking over his job. Then I would have to put up with some new boss.

And that is no fun. A boss can be cool at times. Others a creep. Only I sure don't want to change them very often.

Never seen any lease a boss program. The way I hear some bosses act I reckon I would give them back.

But it would be my luck that they wouldn't take Junior no matter what. Yeah, I can see me getting stuck with him forever.

I wonder if they have some kind of you know guarantees against stupid so I could get a break if they did decide to let Junior be leased?

Well it might be worth finding out. Maybe only for a bit. Yep, the kind of day where you have to find out too late that Junior didn't get returned and you still go stuck with his brain not in use.

TOMORROW

Oh man these are the days you can have. The ones that haven't come yet. There is so much you can look forward to that way.

Yep, you got to love it. At least I do. I have all kinds of stuff planned for tomorrow. Just hope I can get them all figured out before the day comes.

Yeah, nothing worse than a busted tomorrow. Maybe bruised would work. You know just a little sprained where you still had a chance to stuff to happen?

Not sure though if I would even like that part though. Just sort of takes some of the joy out of thinking about tomorrow.

What is really cool about tomorrow is that you never run out of them. Nope, you can depend upon there always being more of them.

Well most of the time. I mean not really clear on that part about tomorrows in Heaven. I asked Reverend Analbe about it once and he was sort of vague about it.

From best as I could figure out there were no calendars in heaven. At least none that I could find out.

All I got from him was something about mansions and golden streets and all the donuts you can eat. Yep, it was really strange to me.

But I'm sure tomorrow figured in there somewhere. Just haven't got a clue where. Which is okay I guess.

However, if you ask me, I think I will just sort of concentrate on the tomorrows I can have hear. Those I know I can count on.

Just wish I could like figure a way to make today more like tomorrow. They are always so perfect.

And let me tell you that is something I don't mind concentrating on either. Nope, not at all.

Really will just be happy if I get all those tomorrow worked out till today is just like them. Hmmm, I wonder if that time change thing has anything to do with it?

Might have to check with Otis on that one. But not sure he will help that much. He has been getting weird about answering questions later.

I guess I should have not asked him about that one thing. Where I figured that toilets might work as mixing bowls. In case you had to like make a cake while in the bathroom. Well it was just an idea.

SHARP STICKS

Would there be any good in having a stick that wasn't sharp? I figured that was what sticks were for?

Not that we can say it for sure. I mean I guess if you were going to like use them to start a fire then maybe not, but for other stuff yes.

After all a sharp stick as so many uses. You can use it to pick up litter on the ground without hurting you back.

Or you can like scratch some place that is itching. But you do have to be careful. For it really is difficult to do that if you are talking about your back. Don't want to end up stabbing yourself or anything.

Not a good idea. So you should be really careful if you plan on that option. So watch out with that one.

Now as for other uses, well let me see, if you are smart and creative it can work as something to hold food you plan on eating. At least some, not all.

But that is really only the beginning if you let it work out that way. Shoot there are all kinds of options if you let it.

Why you just have to use your imagination. You know, like they talk with other stuff, be the stick.

Not sure how you do that for sure, but it sounds get. And I'm willing to try if somebody actually shows me how.

Being a stick might be a good thing. Would sure make things look different. At least for a while.

Then somebody might decide you should be you know better off being used for firewood. I don't think I would enjoy that part.

But see that is the great part with a stick. You can avoid being limited in stick philosophy.

Just sharpen it and then no problem. Poke somebody till it all makes sense. Well unless it is a big dude.

Might not be a good idea to poke that person. He might break the stick. Then break you and that would not be cool.

Anyway, we can all have a good time with sticks if we learn to behave ourselves in other ways. A little wood restraint is a good thing.

IT'S YOUR FAULT

Yep, come on fess up. When you are to blame, admit it. I won't like kill you or anything, but I might see that you get punished.

Now it really amazes me how this doesn't seem to get the response I would expect. How tough is it to understand?

I think it is pretty simple. You either chose to admit you were wrong or I bash your face in.

But how somehow it just don't seem to come out as I like. Oh I do take the time to be sure I get the message across real clear.

You sure can't miss the bat I'm holding. I think it would be obvious. But it sure don't work out that way.

Nope, you just can't get anyone to wise up in that regard. I do have to wonder if maybe they have a problem.

But then I guess you can't expect everyone to be so darn smart. Yeah, if they weren't dumb and stupid this wouldn't even be a problem.

Which is why I don't plan on giving up my bat any time soon. Just in case anyone would get the wrong idea.

People are weird that way you know. Not all though. There are a few who are weird in general.

They don't need any extra reason for be that way. Like they were sort of curse with weirdness from the beginning.

Kind of scary to imagine. But then I guess it can't be helped. You know there is no way to do much to improve their condition.

Might be merciful to just run over them with a truck and get it over with. But I guess you know, that ain't going to happen.

Not any time soon I reckon. So I will just have to keep my bat warm for special occasions.

Special as in the case of there being too many people out there just in serious need of being bashed. Really consider it a very important chore on my part.

Wish it wasn't that way, but sometimes we just don't have a choice. You just have to deal with the reality. That being I just got to do what I got to do as a grimefighter. And I have to keep doing it no matter how many headaches it gives others.

THIS LITTLE KITE OF MINE

I enjoy flying kites. You know, being out there in the park and watch them soaring up their in the sky.

And it is really fun when you can do it as entertainment. Now that makes it special. But if they are something you do because you have to then it sucks.

I really hate to think of kite flying as a bad thing or boring, but now I know it can happen. And that doesn't make me happy.

Which is what happen to me the other day. I was over at STINK where I work and they wanted us to try and use a kite as a spy goodie.

You know put a camera on it and make it look down to check for stuff. Might have worked too if they darn camera wasn't so heavy.

Wouldn't even get off the ground. Man did that suck. I mean you can hardly expect to spy very much if you don't get the same up in the air.

And I told them that very thing. They were all that helpful though. Like they figured I ought to get it to work anyway.

They didn't quite explain how, but said I ought keep trying. Like that was going to happen.

Anyway, they sent me over a bigger kite. Which still didn't improve things. Because I could lift the darn thing.

Another little detail they didn't bother to think about. Which was a pretty darn important thing to not remember.

But then after I told them about that problem, they decided to send me over a smaller camera. Like that was going the make the kite any lighter.

Well that sure wasn't improving the problem. And they sure didn't seem to be concerned about it either.

So I did the only thing I could think to do. I held up the camera and moved it around like it was flying.

Then I took a pair of binoculars and held them up backwards over the camera. That way it would appear like the camera was seeing stuff a long way off.

Which got them to shut up on the subject. Only now they want me looking for griminals that resemble ants.

Next time I will avoid holding it over an ant hill.

BLAST FROM THE PAST

I have a reason to wonder about this. I mean you have to ask the question why do we need to know about some explosion that took place ages ago?

I wonder about the need. Oh I suppose is something to be said for learning when junk got blown up.

You know just in case it might happen again. Can be helpful. Well sort of. I can't say if it is all that good.

Oh knowing details about things getting blown up can be sort of entertaining. Maybe not as much as we want, but enough.

In any case, I think I only want to know about this if it really helps. You know where find out why some moron got himself blown to smithereens.

You can't be unhappy to learn those facts. It sort of makes things cool. Like you feel better when you can feel good because somebody else acted like a moron.

And it wasn't you. Ah, let me tell you that sure feels good. Really gives me lots of reasons to be happy.

Because I know it ain't my fault. You gotta love times like that. When you can't be blamed for crap.

Let me tell you given the number of times that I get blamed for junk, I really enjoy when I didn't do something wrong.

And if you are talking about junk that blows up, even better. Oh yeah, I love those times. Because I'm happy being without that option.

It is just a shame that you know, something even blows up. You can get by without the noise and mess.

I mean when stuff explodes it is so much of a pain to clean up. Really, I don't enjoy doing it.

I don't mind when I trashed something, but if it was somebody else, thing let them clean it up.

Seems fair to me. And let me tell you that is what I prefer. Course that is the important part with this thing.

You know, checking on explosions so you know when there might be a mess to clean up. Then being sure you don't get suck being the one having to clean it up. Now that is the best part.

VISITATIONS

Well this can be fun. Most places at least. Unless you are talking like a hospital. Then you have a problem.

Because those people who run that place are down right weird. I mean they only let you be friendly at certain hours.

Like the sick people can only get better on certain hours. Which really is bizarre from my view.

I mean is that the way their medicines work? You do got to wonder. At least I do. And let me tell you that I'm not impressed with that kind of medicine.

Perhaps that is why they have one of those intensive care units. Yeah, they don't have enough care for everyone all the time so they can only do it for some at time.

Really sucks from my view. I wonder if like they draw straws or something to decide who is the lucky stiff that gets all the attention.

The rest are just out of luck. So they limit when you can see them so nobody gets suspicious.

Which is pretty darn sneaky if you ask me. Only I don't buy into being a good thing. Nope, I think this is one of those yucky things.

Like you know there is something wrong and they don't want us to know about it. Which would also explain why it takes so long when you are there to get any help.

I bet they are spending the time hiding whatever they don't want you to know about. Like running around at the last moment to hide something they don't want us to see.

Not sure I even want to find out either. That would be awful if like they are doing brain transplants and got you on the donor list.

We can forget that part. I'm not volunteering for that option. No way. My brain might not be perfect, but it is my brain.

I don't want any crazy doctor deciding he wants to like wash my brain or something. I heard they do stuff like that.

I mean what if they try putting it in a dryer and it shrinks? I don't want any shrunken head. My beanie wouldn't fit.

You got to keep those things in mind when you are a super hero. I have my reputation to consider. Wouldn't be much fun or convincing, if my beanie kept falling over my eyes because my head was to small.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK: "Why can stop signs till us how to stop crap we do and don't want to?"

DEBT

Well this is a pretty strange idea. At least from my point of view. Honestly this is one of those huh deals.

You know the type that you end up going huh because it makes no sense. Because they make it so confusing.

For starters how come they give you a credit card instead of calling it a you're going to be in debt forever card? And then they make it even more confusing by adding on some lame deal about interest.

Which you know, would be cool if that was really a good deal. Only it ain't. I mean the word interest when you add and ing becomes interesting. Which is a good word, but let me tell you debt is not interesting to me.

I think it is other than cool. And they like never get enough interest either. They just keep asking for more.

I mean they talk about this deal about interest on the money your borrow. Well you normally borrow it for stuff like you know buy junk.

So how come they can't charge you by the given stuff? You know like make borrowing for cool stuff more interest than boring crap.

At least that might make it something that would leave me interested. But that's probably something that is to be expected.

I haven't noticed that these credit dudes are much for being entertaining. They don't seem to be very interested in finding any fun in that regard.

Otherwise they would you know give us a break so it would have a few smiles. Yeah, I could live with that.

But that don't seem to happen. All they do is keep saying give us money or else. Now where is the fun in that?


No where I can think of. Which really makes it hard to understand. Because they might just as well let somebody take over that will be happy about things.

At least then we would be more likely to want to enjoy their services. Oh yeah that is the part that really is cool from my view.

And you know it sort of makes things worth while. At least to me. For that is what counts is if you enjoy stuff.

Which don't happen when all you get is a bill.

LIFETIME SUBSCRIPTIONS

I think this has to be a joke. I mean where can you go and subscribe to get a lifetime? I don't think it is possible.

I imagine there are some who might get away with claiming this happens, but I don't but it myself.

But that is okay, I guess I don't mind really. Only I do feel sorry for any dudes that buy into this thing.

You just have to wonder what gives? I mean I just have try and understand how this works. Because it sure doesn't make sense.

Unless you happen to be the kind of person that truly does think you can live forever. I imagine there are a few like that.

Now I suppose that would be a good thing for some. I'm just not sure I would believe it. And that is what counts with me.

Which is a good thing. For I sure am going to based what I think is important on that part.

As for the rest of the world, well shoot, I know there are some pretty whacky dudes out there who might give this thing shot. Yeah, paying through the nose in order to get a chance to live forever.

I wonder if it comes with a money back guarantee? But even if it did you be able to collect if you were dead?

I bet nobody thought of that one. So you better if you know what is good for you. Just figured I would toss that in.

Yep, I sure do think that is an important thing. And let me tell you I hope the dudes who are even thinking about this will take this serious.

I know I plan on it. And that is why I won't go for this if they don't give me some kind of prove that it will work.

Like parade out some guy who is two hundred years old. That would help. But then I do have to wonder where I would find that kind or person?

I suppose there might be a person like that in a rest home. Hard to say how many of them might be in one of those.

But then I don't plan on going over there to find out. I would prefer to just sit back and savor my jelly beans that is living in my book no matter how old you are.

RENEWALS

RENEWALS

Well this sure is a sucky thing. You get some new and you have re it. Like it wasn't new enough the first time.

I mean is that supposed to be like a form of immortality or something? Had to ask. After all I think that part is very important.

And you can be sure I want to know the details. For to me this is really, really important. I mean if we an unold something they ought to let us know.

Really seems like something that ought to be told to all of us. Methinks there is some silliness to all of this.

Not sure who though. Probably somebody in the repair business. Yeah, it would be like those dudes to make us believe that part.

Just so they could sucker us into thinking they could take some old piece of junk and make it like new again. Sounds like the kind of thing they would pull.

Only I ain't buying that any more. I did once. Back when I was at this thrift store. Dude in there convinced me that this old radio they had in there had been fixed up good as new.

And I should have known better, but naturally when I got it home, it didn't work. Not at all. Boy was I pissed. That taught me to spend a whole five bucks on something like that.

I tried taking it back, but they had this deal about all sales being final. Everything sold as is.

Which for mean that final as it don't work. Course I did show him my appreciation for that deal.

My bat did my talking in that situation. And it is still good as new since I have learned with practice how to use it without breaking it.

But then that is okay. I am managing to not let it get to me that much. Does annoy me at times, but oh well.

In the meantime, I 'm also checking out the DMV. They got this thing call driver's license renewal.

Well my license ain't broke and not that old, so it don't need to be newed over again. I wonder if they are up to something sneaky with this.

I ain't falling for it though. Reckon I will go over there and find out if they like some way of doing weird stuff to licenses that I need to know about.