WEE WILLIE WINKIE

Can't really figure what is up with this guy. I know is name is Wee Willie. And I think he was mainly known for winking or something.

Is that really a reason to be famous? I just thought it was worth knowing. I mean I can wink. Nobody ever said I was good at it or bad at it, but you know I wasn't looking for any fame about it either.

I don't know, but I guess I'm kind of old fashion in that regard. I just figure fame out to be for doing stuff that is cool and kind of super hero type.

Not this wee stuff. Which doesn't explain what kind of we he was known for. There is the type where you are really, really tiny. But if you were that small how would anyone even notice you?

Then there is the kind of wee as in peeing. Well shoot everyone does that so how could anybody make a big deal about it. You know unless he like could write his name in the snow or something. That takes lots of practice to do it right.

Of course there is the other wee. As in more than one. Ah, now that is fun. Only that normally means you are talking about at least two people.

Unless it is about one guy that thinks he has lots of friends who aren't really there. I know a few of those kinds of guys myself.

True they normally don't get around much though. Hardly seems like they could since they have to wait for a pass.

But that is okay I guess because the nice thing is when you meet them they always order a big meal for all of their we friends. The ones that really aren't there.

Yeah and the great part is how when none of the we show up, you get to eat their portion. I figure I'm doing the person a favor anyway.

No sense making the dude unhappy that none of his invisible we friends didn't show up when I can at least gobble up the stuff and make him think they did. Seems like a good way to help.

Plus I sure don't mind having all the fee food too. That is providing that I don't forget to be sure the guy has money on him and not expecting the we dudes to pay for it.

I learn that after the one time when I went to the bathroom and when I got back the dude and his we friends split and I got stuck paying the check. You would at least thing the guys could have sprung for a tip. Jeez, invisible or not they still should chip in for that part. Only it is hard to tell them when you don't get to talk to anyone, but the one guy who claims he and his we buds were out partying not even there.

GORILLAS IN THE MIDST

Oh man if there wasn't enough in the world to worry about now you got to worry about some stupid ape punching you when you are looking. The made a movie about it. Can you believe that?

I didn't get to see it, but I heard it was called gorillas in the fist. What kind of title is that for a movie? Actually, the last word might have been mist. But all I know is it involved gorillas and that is really scary.

I saw that movie about that giant gorilla. He was called King Kong. Now talk about one weird monkey. Jeez, what the heck did he have a thing about climbing buildings?

There weren't even any bananas for him to eat there. That don't sound very smart to me. And then he went really stupid and tried to use this blonde lady as some kind of yo-yo.

Now everyone knows in a movie if you mess around with a cute blonde woman you going to end up dead sooner or later. Didn't his King Kong ever go to the movies? I guess not.

Pity, because that seems to always be the rule when I watch the movies. Some guy meet some cute blonde and the next thing you know he's going crazy.

That makes him do weird junk and before long somebody is deciding the only thing you can do for him is to put him out of misery like he's a dog with rabbis. Is this suppose to be a good thing?

I don't think so. And it sure didn't work out very good for King Kong either. Heck he didn't even get any decent bananas out of the deal.

You would have figured that the movie dudes could have at least offered him a decent choice. Like have a big bunch of them hang on one building while that girl was on another.

Then have a bunch of folks pointing to the bananas and yelling look, look, look. That would have been the decent thing to me.

But no, those darn movie dudes just wanted to make a monkey out of him. Which he sure didn't need any help in becoming if you ask me.

Well maybe one of these days I'll get a chance to do my version. Believe me in it there will be plenty of bananas.

I wonder if putting them in a banana split would be okay? Hmmm, I reckon as long as it had bananas that would work.

Cool then I could shoot it at an ice cream parlor. Better check to see if they serve gorillas though.

SILENCE IS GOLDEN

What knucklehead came up with this idea? I personally think silence it silence. I don't know of anyone that gets paid just to be silent.

You think there are any job out there that pay you for saying nothing? I wonder what the qualifications would be?

Makes me wonder if you have to go to school for it. I sure would hate to see the homework.

It is probably something weird like learning to keep your mouth shut a lot. And what would the tests be like? I don't think I would want to find out.

I do know that it would be cool to have a chance to pay some people to not talk. Well actually to not make any noises.

That would be really hard. Especially, if you were talking about telling a person to do that right after they say ate a whole bunch of beans.

Not sure how you would get them to stop farting or at least not make any farting sounds. Like you really want to pay somebody for that.

If you know somebody who does that, I can sure think of plenty of people who could benefit from getting some bucks for not farting. Or at least not making farting sounds.

And I guess consider what goes with the farting sounds, I would hardly think it would be a bad deal to pay someone if it meant you could avoid the smell.

Now I myself might consider that to be worth a few bucks. Providing it was somebody you could trust and I know that isn't true with some people.

Oh yeah, there are those darn people out there when it comes to something like this who will vow that they will not do it again. They look so sorrowful and apologize and want to make you believe they did it by accident.

In reality though they are just saying it because it generally doesn't take to long before yu see them stink up the air again with some darn air biscuit. Which wouldn't be so bad if they didn't smile about it too. Like they really, really enjoyed it all along.

In any case with such dudes I consider that kind of thing to be a bad investment. Giving them money to not fart would never pay off.

So for now, I'll just keep my money and figure that instead I'll let somebody else mess with forking over the gold for such things. How they spend their money is their business. And if they want to pass on some my way that is okay too. But I got feeling on the farting options I would have to stand in line for some bucks.

BEING A BIG MOUTH

I suppose this could be a good thing. Depending on who you were. After all a big mouth would mean you had a bigger chance at eating more food at one time.

I know you can like take more bites, but if you were in a big hurry it would make things easier. You know more things stuff in at one time would be great.

See the nice thing would be to me that it would allow you to ultimately eat more. But then the really nice thing is how you could go somewhere like a buffet that is one of those all you can eat deals.

And while you were walking down the row of food you could stuff twice as much in your mouth. Nobody would even complain.

Which is a big problem now. Because when I go to some buffet and put stuff in my mouth they sometimes get really bent out of shape over it when I reach the cashier.

The way I figure it shouldn't be a big deal. I mean I am going to pay for it. Just because my cheeks look like I'm a chipmunk shouldn't be a big deal.

But it is to them. They get all bent out of shape. And frankly I think they are being down right unreasonable if you ask me.

Like when I had my plate and was standing in line. Okay, I forgot to pickup my silverware. Is that any reason for them to freak out on me?

I didn't think so. There I was in line and all the food looked good. So what was the problem of me wanting to taste the food before I actually put some on my plate?

Seemed like a reasonable choice to me. So as I was walking, I took the big server spoons and used it to taste the stuff before sticking some on my plate.

Boy did they freak out over that. You would think I had blown my nose or something on the food the way they were acting.

I guess for now, I don't have to worry about it much though. They sort of decided it would be a good idea if I didn't go back to eat there again.

I don't know if I would want to anyway. As far as I'm concerned a place that says it is all you can eat and then has a bunch of rules about what constitutes eating is kind of strange anyway.

I think that is false advertising. The food did go in my mouth just like it is suppose to do. So how come they care how I got it into my mouth. I ate it right? They sure never bothered to mention that part on anything with the all you can eat thing. I guess it is like to many things where people say one thing and mean another.

PICK ON SOMEONE YOUR OWN SIZE

This is a dumb idea from my point of view. Are you suppose to carry a measuring tape with you all the time or something?

And what if you screw up and the person is an inch taller or shorter? What will they do then, beat you for guessing wrong? They never bother to mention that part, which really sucks.

Plus they never bother to define exactly what they mean by picking. I mean does it apply to say picking lint off the person's clothes? Should size be a big deal then?

Or are we talking say, picking somebody else's nose. Of course that kind of picking size might count. You have to factor in the size of the person's nose and if you can reach it. Providing you would want to. Which wouldn't be my idea of fun though.

However, I'll never pretend to know what works for somebody else. That I can't do. Might be fun to try I guess, but seems like it would normally end up boring.

At least I don't have to make that the only idea of picking though either. We know there are other kinds.

I just am not sure I can think of too many that would necessarily relate to size. Perhaps if you were say picking on someone who say was on fire it might manner.

Although I do wonder I guess if you say someone on fire if you would be trying to pick off anything from them. More like wanting to pick up a bucket of water and drench them.

Then there is something like picking the dandruff off somebody's shoulder. That could be tricky you understand.

Some people got this thing though about stuff like that. They might get all bent out of shape if you were to say do that without their permission.

That is another thing they don't bother to mention from my point of view. Some people can really freak out if they think you are getting weird on them. Then you can really get in big trouble.

Maybe I'll see if I can find a book that has rules on this subject. Yeah, that's it, I'll check with the Reverend Analbe. If there is a rule about something he would know it.

And if there isn't I bet he would know where to check. He does know God personally and all.

Until I get that chance I reckon I'll just cling to idea that picking is better done when you can be sure nobody is going to be bashed in the process.

PETER PIPER

What's the deal with this guy? He picked some pickles. Is that a reason for him to be famous? I don't even like pickles so why should I care?

But do they care that I don't care? Nooo, they still make up this story or whatever about this guy. Is that really fair?

There are lots of people who do cool things and never get anyone to talk about them. Why I got this one neighbor who can burp the national anthem. That's pretty cool to me.

You would think if anybody was worthy of a story it would be someone with that kind of talent. Instead they settled for this Peter character.

Heck, the story isn't even that great. Why trying to repeat it can be a big pain. It can really twist your tongue and that ain't fun.

You would think if they wanted you to remember this dude they would cut you some slack and make the story easy to say. Otherwise it cuts down on anyone wanting to say it.

But then I know that you need some kind of reason to actually let this dude get some press. No doubt it was like somebody who sells pickles figuring it would increase the sales.

However, that ain't enough from my view. Heck man, this really needs to be something that should be rewritten to be really cool.

Yeah, you know like start out where this Peter Piper say wiped out a hornet's nest of bad guys. If he is going to pipe something, he ought to do it in a way that makes you want to get up and shout.

That would make more sense that having him playing around with some pickles, which were hot as peppers. I ask you where is the hero part in that? Why a pickle or pepper ain't even a decent super hero weapon. It ain't go any special powers.

So I figured, shoot, all they need is to let this dude like put on a cape or something that has a real super hero quality like a beanie as I wear. Then, you know, what the heck, you have him pick out something that makes sense for him to have as a food to use. A real super heroes kind of food.

I would say, you know, like say something really believable as jelly beans. Oh yeah, now you are talking.

Hmmn, then perhaps you would have to make hi other than a piper. Maybe say a garbage man would help. I could go for that. I just wish somebody would check with me before they do stuff like write silly stories that need to be better.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK: "There is never before and never again. How come there ain't no never now? Guess you can have a never unless it happens at least once."

CALM

I've heard about this at times. Some people get so upset over the strangest things. Don't get me wrong. Straws are important.

I just don't think you have to freak out when you get to the last straw. They can be replaced.

At least I think so. Some people don't seem to agree. I've heard them when they are having some problem and then mention about something being the last straw.

Guess I can sort of understand. I don't think it is all that surprising when you are stressed out to want some nice big drink to soothe your nerves. And I can also appreciate that if you were all set to use and straw and ran out it will really upset you.

But jeez, does that mean you have to go crazy and get all nuts? I mean man, chill a little. If the place is out of straws, just go get on somewhere else. How hard is that?

Apparently it is next to impossible for some though I reckon. Which sure don't improve things from my point of view.

In fact it can makes things really bad. I mean if you go around telling others and they happen to be stressed out they could freak out too.

If there is one thing you don't need at any fast food place when you are trying to relax it is somebody making you panic. That just doesn't help.

And the best way to avoid that would in my opinion to not go around letting others know that there is a problem. It just seems like you ought to keep that kind of information to yourself.

But I guess there is no changing the way some people behave. Not even with the help of my bat. Otis always gripes when I try that option.

Which really bugs me given the fact that bats are made from trees and some straws are. So I think that is a great connection.

You try and explaining that though to my buddy. He doesn't allow me that kind of freedom of choice.

That is another thing that bugs me. We got a bill of rights. And those darn people who wrote it never mentioned a word about the right to bash. I figured it should be in there somewhere. I even looked once.

But I guess even though I have tried to make a few feel that this was a good thing, it hasn't change in terms of any real progress. However, to me I just always rely upon waiting for that perfect moment when Otis is looking the other way. Then I can use my right and left as much as I want, with or without any straws.

NEVERMORE

So dude name Poe or something wrong this poem I understand and used this word in it a lot. Now I don't want to question how another writer figures to use his words, but to me the word nevermore would only be the kind you use once.

I mean if it has never as part of the word, then it ought to mean never. And more is like, well more.

You put them together and like you better watch out because you know it ain't like talking about like one second or something. Which can be a good thing I guess.

Anyway, I understand that you know, there are a lot of good things about this I reckon. Can't think of too many that come to mind myself, but I'm sure they are there.

Plus in this case I'm a little curious if this dude was really all that clear himself. I mean there he was rambling on about such stuff and then mentions some talking bird.

Do sane people really do that. I mean from the way I hear it people think this guy was a pretty darn good writer. They act like he was writing something incredible.

I don't know, it just seems to me that if you are tossing in a talking bird that it is kind of more like you are making junk up. I can do that easy enough, but heck nobody runs around talking like it is genius.

But then perhaps there are a whole bunch of people out there with this hang up about stuff like talking birds. Maybe they are part of that group of bird watchers.

You know the type that do weird junk like thinking how just gawking at some pigeon is a great thing. Birds are okay I guess. As long as they don't end up pooping on you.

Then as far as I'm concerned they are not worth talking about even if they can talk. Which I guess wasn't the problem with that bird that dude wrote about.

So perhaps he played it smart and kept it in a cage. He never did get around that I know of to mentioning that part.

Which leaves me to wonder if it was perhaps you know, a stuff bird. One of those that had a string you pull that makes them talk.

Never heard any of them say never more. Must be perhaps a Christmas special or something type. Might make a decent toy for a kid I guess.

I don't think I'll add it to my shopping list though. It is so hard to do that unless you see them first.

That can be a pain to think you got a good gift and it was lame to the other person. I know from some of the gifts I've gotten.

TAKE IT OR BEAT IT

Oh yeah, I love this option. I mainly think of it when I'm dealing with a creep of a griminal. Then it is the choice I give them.

Basically, they can either let me haul their butt into STINK where they will be treated as a creep and stuff or I can beat them till the go willingly. I think that is a fair option from my point of view.

I just wish our boss wouldn't complicate things by making a big deal when I bring in somebody who is in my opinion a griminal. I would think that given I have been doing this for a while he would appreciate my having a good sense about such stuff.

But no, just once you make a mistake and man he never lets you forget it. I mean some dude who was hanging around a trash can looked pretty suspicious too me.

Honestly, I just had this gut feeling he was up to no good. And when I tried to grill him on it he really pissed me off. He had the nerve to claim I didn't know what I was talking about.

So I demanded he come quietly or else. And that was the or else he made me chose. I did manage to get him back to Headquarters. He did give me a lot of trouble. He was this really big guy and I had to hit me like several times before he stopped moving.

I sure was glad that I got him back to Headquarters. And boy even though he was a big guy and hard to drag, I was sure proud I did bring him in.

There I was so proud to have done my duty by bringing in that scum and then my boss had the nerve to check the guy's wallet. Now that was totally unfair.

How was I supposed to know he was this high school principal? I would have figured he would have had a badge or something.

I guess the good part was that since he was still unconscious we did manage to drop him off somewhere that he didn't have a chance to know what happen. So that part worked out okay.

And the boss says that in a month or so I won't even have to go out only a night. By then they should have taken down all those wanted posters.

But that is okay, I've had plenty of practice knowing how to hide from those posters. I wish I didn't have to, but perhaps I will make a learn one of these days to be more careful about checking identifications.

I really don't want to have to spend a whole lot of more time having to wear a grocery bag any time I go out during the day. It can be so darn stuffy even with a hole to breath through.

OOPS AND OOPS AGAIN

Darn, don't you hate when that happens? I sure do. Here you are all feeling so darn good that you are soo good at something and then whammo you end up making a disaster.

And then after you think you figured out what you did wrong and try to do it right, you end up screwing it up again. God is that a pain in the butt or what?

There really ain't much you can say in that situation you know. Basically, OOPS works for me. Well sometimes at least that works.

There are others when nobody buys the idea of OOPS. And if they don't believe the first OOPS they sure won't believe a second one let me tell you. Man do I hate that.

Now the thing is you know an OOPs is from an accident. And that makes sense since you didn't do it on purpose.

That is the part that can get tricky at times. Some people really do have a problem believing things were an accident.

Let me tell you for example say if I happen to you know accidentally manage to eat up all the ice cream in the freezer. I mean it really didn't start out with that being my intention you understand. It just sort of happened.

And I just wish that I could have convinced Otis that was the case. He didn't think it was that much of an OOPS.

Well let me tell you as hard as Otis is at accepting some things are a OOPS he is far more agreeable on that subject than our boss. Man does he not believe in any thing being an OOPS.

Okay, I do admit that there are times when Otis has sort of stretch the true. Alright, he didn't stretch the truth, he down right broke it.

Let me tell you I sure wish our boss could appreciate the times when there was a difference between the times when were fibbing and those that were real accidents. But he just treats them all as the same.

Well, that doesn't keep us from using the OOPs option when we can. It doesn't always work, but it is better than just saying it was somebody else's fault.

That is the real hard part. I sure learned my lesson on that one. I mean if you are going to say somebody else did it you just got to make sure the person actually was around. It really makes a whole lot of difference in the blaming department.

Which is one of those things I'm still learning to figure out. And maybe I can do it too without too many OOPs.

BUTTER THIS AND BUTTER THAT

Will somebody please tell me who is the evil, dirty rotten jerk who is so hung up on butter? Jeez, is there anything that they can't do with butter?

I mean they are even so nuts they add it to milk? Have you ever tried that stuff? Somebody needs to tell the moron who came up with that idea they needed to give us a break and put some sugar in the stuff. Please.

And what is the deal with butter in booze? They got butterscotch. I've never tried it, but I can't imagine it being worth trying from my point of view.

Seeing how I use the last name of Buttercream I just kind have taken this whole deal about butter very personal. At least with buttercream you know it is something decent to eat! It is a darn find tasty frosting.

All that other stuff is just trying to pretend to be something good if you ask me. And I want to find out who is responsible.

I think the evil rat needs to get in big trouble for this. They ought to make sure he doesn't go crazy and do something worse.

My god, want if he goes crazy and starts in on doing something freaky with jelly beans? That is just too scary to think about. I'm just going to have to stop this stupidity!

The big problem is I'm not sure where to start to find this knucklehead. I doubt they have a listing in the yellow pages for butter knucklehead who is screwing up the world because he is a flatulence butthead. Nope, I'm sure that won't work.

So I figure the best bet would be to check out the places where butter comes from. That clown is bound to show up there eventually.

Now all I have to do if figure out where they make all the butter. Let's see, it has to be somewhere not too far away. Butter melts pretty easy. So I know I can't look too far away.

It also has to be somewhere cool too. Butter don't do too good in the sun. So that means inside somewhere.

I know I bet it is inside the mall somewhere. Yeah, they got everything else there. So I bet they keep it out of sight too. Which also makes sense since they wouldn't want any possible butter thieves figuring it out and stealing a bunch of butter.

My god, that means this nut is smart enough to find this place even though they keep it a secret. Hmmm, sounds like a real sneaky dude.


Well I'm not taking this any longer. I'm going to head over to the mall first chance I get. And then I'll take my bat and the first person I ask that where they keep the butter and they refuse to tell me, I'll know I've found the right person. Then I'll just use my bat till they talk or end up unconscious.

CESSPOOLS AND STRINGS

I wonder if the word cesspool sounds as weird to anyone as it does to me? I mean when I think of a pool, I think of swimming. But you sure can't do much swimming in this one. At least I wouldn't.

Anyway, being a grimefighter does mean at times I come in contact with them. Not a much as a sewer perhaps, but I got to deal with them just the same.

It's okay though. You just learn to cope as best you can with such things. And that is sort of like string.

Yeah, string. You might not see the connection, but actually there is a big one in my books. They both serve a purpose for the person using them, but it doesn't mean we all need them the same way.

However, in some situations there just ain't any decide substitute that works quite as well. I mean what you going to do for a cesspool? You could use a bush I suppose, but let me tell you, that can be dangerous if you try it in the middle of the day. People aren't to happy to see you if you are bending down and dropping your pants. They can get downright pissy about a thing like that.

So if you are somewhere that only has a cesspool and you got to you are stuck. So you just have to cope with that option.

Meanwhile, you know for me the same thing applies to string. No, I ain't talking about using it to go to the bathroom. I'm talking about when you need string to tie something, nothing else just seems to work.

Oh you can try tape, but it is sooo messy. And glue, forget it. What happens if you have to open the thing later?

So it is just a case of accepting you go to have string. Which I think is the whole point with this.

Now listen careful then. When you got to use the bathroom or tie something never kid around and think you can ignore doing the right thing.

See, don't you feel better just for me sharing that? I trust that all of you who were worried about this subject before now, will sleep better thanks to my input.

After all if you can help your fellow man, what good is it? Just do me a favor and don't forget the scissors and toilet paper.

Advice is one thing. But borrowing toilet paper is where I draw the line in terms of helping others. I don't care how much of a bud you are, I really don't have any desire to have you borrow toilet paper and then give it back after you have used it. Especially, if you don't tell me and just stuff it on the toilet roll hanging up.

A PIECE OF CAKE

Who can pass up the simple joy of a loving a nice slice of luscious cake? It just makes me quiver to think of. Man the anticipation of that tastes gives me goose bumps.

Which is way I hate the times when people mess it up who are too stupid to even know what a real slice of cake tastes like. Some people are so sad that they can figure out something as simple as cake verses something else.

Take for example this knucklehead over at STINK. This moron wouldn't know cake if you shoved it under his nose and put a big sign on it that shouted CAKE, CAKE, CAKE!

This bozo is always talking about the stupidest things as being cakes. Honestly it is so incredible.

Like the time we had this really disgusting mission to go on. They type where you know the griminals are extra nasty and there is no way they will remotely behave themselves. It is just a case of bashing them till they give up or bleed to the point of being unconscious, which ever comes first.

Does any of that describe a cake of any kind to you? Me either. Try explaining it to this moron.

Will somebody please explain to me how in the world anybody could confuse a tasty piece of frosted cake with something else? Don't they teach people in school a simple thing like how to recognize a piece of cake from getting the snot beat out of you.

This is unbelievable to me. Honestly it is just beyond my capacity to grasp how somebody could reach a decent age and not be capable of knowing cake from something else.

Now what is worse, is I even took the time to give him a real piece of cake to be sure he knew what it looked like. He ate it easy enough. Didn't seem to have any trouble figuring out what to do with a fork. That was a relief.

Or so I thought. I honestly figure it would help. But that clown didn't learn a thing. Why the other day he was at it again.

He started talking about how doing this other chore was piece of cake. Otis wouldn't even let me bash the idiot either.

His solution was to shut the dude up by giving him a piece of cake. If it had been my choice I would have shut him up by stuffing it in his mouth.

Otis wouldn't let me do that though. However, I tell you one thing, the next time I see this dude mention something is a piece of cake when it isn't I going to wait till Otis isn't looking and take care of that problem my way.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK: "If you write on a bathroom wall instead of a brick wall shouldn't they call it crapffitti?"

IN THE WASH

Boy is this a big problem where I live. Well, I know it shouldn't be, but it is. Mainly because of my buddy Otis.

We just can never agree on what is consider as dirty to the point it needs to be washed. He thinks if you were something once that means it goes in the dirty clothes.

I don't agree. Once has from my view all different levels of meaning. For example, if you only put on a pair of socks for say a couple of hours then I figure they don't count as being dirty. My rule on socks is about eight hours, unless you have a really hot day.

Now underwear can be a little trickier to define. But I normally limit myself to four hours as a cut off. Any less just doesn't count. Which is even made easy when you got pants on so nobody will know the difference anyhow.

As for things like pants and shirts, heck, no stains, no foul. So it shouldn't be a big deal. After all, my feeling is no stain then no rain, um that is water sort of like from a washer.

Personally, I think that you know my approach to this whole deal is quite logical and most helpful. It saves using lots of water and as long you don't have to stand down wind because of the smell or the clothes stand up by themselves, then I figure it is no big deal.

But that isn't good enough for Otis. Man, he gets really annoying on this whole deal. I tell you he starts resorting to stuff like logic and that gets so dang frustration.

What I hate the most is how he gets around to saying junk about how grimefighters are suppose to be models of cleanliness. He's always bringing that part up.

Shoot, just because I'm suppose to be a model for cleanliness doesn't to me mean I can want to save water. And heck it ain't like too many people even notice that I am a model anyway

It ain't like there is any clean police running around arrest grimefighters for not being models. Come to think of it I guess as grimefighters we are the clean police. And I'm not going to arrest myself.

And you would think Otis would get with the program and appreciate that fact. But nooo, he just gets all pissy and acts like I'm being a poor example.

Which of course, I tell him I'm not. After all, when I wear my shirt, pants and other stuff that is not in need of washing by my definition, it is the perfect example of being what I want it to be.

I've tried to get Otis to accept that. But you know, he just refuses to accept this as a good example. I tell you there are times when there is no way to have a conversation come out in the wash no matter how much you stand down wind.

DRY CLEANING STUPID

This too me is when you haven't got a clue when something needs dry cleaning and when it doesn't. That might be easier to figure out, but it is a lot harder than some people might imagine.

Now for me the first problem is there are whole of things too me that probably need to be dry cleaned and might not get cleaning that way. Like soup for example. Being liquid you could hardly clean it, providing it needed cleaning, with soap and water. That would be so messy.

So I figure that cleaning it with something that wouldn't make the soup worse would be a really good thing. Not sure that everyone appreciates that need, but I sure do.

And let me tell you, man, from what I can tell, the dude over at the dry cleaning place has that figure out either. Why when I went over to his store, he need have a single can of soup anywhere.

He had lots of clothes though. Which seems pretty stupid since I figured everybody I know understand that you have to wash clothes as in using a washer.

But that dude sure didn't seem to get it. Man talk abut being a pain. Why he had the nerve to suggest that I didn't know what I was talking about.

Heck, I always know what I'm talking. I never have to guess if I do either. That is pretty darn easy. And I don't even have to ask myself.

So it sounded like this jerk had as much problem with that idea as he did with the whole deal of dry cleaning. And how he managed to run a place for cleaning stuff till it was dry and didn't have any clue on how people know what they are talking about is beyond me.

Why heck, he even had other people stopping by to drop off clothes. Shoot, would even wonder if the clothes belonged to them.

You do have to wonder considering all the people that kept dropping off clothes in the place. It pretty much tells me that they were being suckered in by this person.

And apparently didn't mind. Heck, I took the time to ask them about the soup thing and man did they give me funny looks.

I reckon there were jealous that they didn't think of that first. I get that a lot when I go out and spend time pointing out stuff that people didn't think of.

I just wish that those darn people would appreciate my efforts more. I sure get tired of having to bash them for asking stupid question when I share my ideas.

Some people are so dense when it comes to figuring things out. Yeah, it is so stupid at times.

NOT MARRIED

How come they need to know this on a credit application anyway? I mean I'm the one filling out the application, ain't that good enough?

I guess not for those stupid jerks at the credit card places. And at least I ought to be glad they aren't like insisting you be married to get a card.

I don't mind giving them information, but no way I'm going to get that desperate when filling it out to agree to that. Besides the person taking the info might be a guy and I sure wouldn't want to do that if talking to a guy!

Anyway, as best as I can figure this marital status thing is really kind of silly. The ask for married or divorced, single, which is the not married part I guess or separated.

But from listening to some folks that are married I think they left out a few categories. Like when I heard this one lady talked about having a husband that was total loser. Then there was this guy who called his wife a cold fish.

Well, I sure don't recall seeing either those as options listed on an application. So if I were those credit card companies I think they need to work on that problem.

That way they could appeal to more people and all those married folks who have apparently marriages totally other than just to be called married. I guess that is a thing to be proud of, but it sure don't seem like they are doing a lot of bragging when they mention it.

And apparently it is some kind of secret because I heard this one guy talking to another guy about how he was married to a ball and chain. I didn't even know you could married stuff like that.

Anyway, he also apparently had a wife because she showed up later. He was calling her hun and stuff. He never did mention anymore about the ball and chain though.

Guess he had one of those kinds of marriages that are what I heard as being cell-a-spit. Which I'm assuming means he got stuck in someplace that felt like a cell and it made him spit.

I could see where being married to a ball and chain and also some lady he called hun could make him feel like that. I wonder if you have to have a wedding ring for a ball and chain. Do they make them that size?

I didn't bother to ask him. Wasn't in need of knowing. Oh well, at least it wasn't my problem.

My biggest problem is with that other box where you are suppose to give them a mailing address. I have to go to the post office to check their address since that is where I mail my mail.

WONDERBAR

This is such a joke if you ask me. I mean this wonderbar thing ain't any real wonder and it ain't a candy bar either. It is just this stupid saying that never seems to have any real benefit if you ask me.

It just seems like something a person decides to say like that really helps somehow. You just don't get anything good from saying it.

See, if they really wanted you to feel wonderbar, then how about handing you a really big candy bar? I think I would enjoy that kind of wonder as in wondering how long it took me to eat it. Now that is the kind of wonder I can live with.

But this wonder that is neither a wonder nor a bar is just pointless. Shoot, they could just stick with the idea of say handing are few candy bars in advanced of when they said, now that would be appreciated.

Actually, I guess the thing is I only hear this from a few people. That is the one good deal. At least I don't have to hear this all the time.

And I could perhaps cope with it coming from some people. I only see them once and a while, so we aren't at the candy bar level of friendship.

I just wish the one person who I hear this from and wouldn't want to hear it from would never say it. I'm speaking of old rat boy, Junior Hemoglobin. Man, he says this way too often to suit me.

And even when you try to get him to not say it he just keeps doing it anyway. Which makes it extra bad since the only way you can get him not to say this is to stuff some cheese in his mouth.

I suppose you could try candy bars, but the problem is he doesn't like candy as well as cheese. So he would end up spitting out the chocolate, wiping it off and then giving it to somebody else as a present. Yuck!

So to avoid that problem you end up stuffing him with cheese. That can be really expensive to at times.

At least I've done what I can to avoid him at lunch time. Because I think he has figured out how if he does this at lunch it will me he can get some more cheese, that stupid rotten creep.

However, that doesn't always work out. I have known him to change the time on the clock so we think it isn't lunch time. Then he walk in and change the clock and the moment he does that we know its wonderbar time. That darn rat is just too sneaky in that regard. I'm just glad I don't have to worry about it more often than I do. I can't afford all that extra cheese.

GIVE ME THAT OLD TIME A BRIDGE IN

I sort of heard this once on an old movie. They were in this church and doing church stuff that people normally do in church and then started singing. I think that is some sort of a law you know that if you stay in a church long enough you've got to do a certain amount of singing.

And if you ain't a good singer, it is okay to hum since they call the songs in church hums or hims. Guess there ain't no hers songs so I hope the gals won't get pissed off.

Anyway there they were singing this song about giving them this old time a bridge in. What they were going to do with this bridge nobody ever explained, but I'm sure it was pretty darn important.

If you ask me though I would have thought that they would have wanted something like old time religion, providing you wanted old stuff in the first place. I don't mind old stuff, you know like when you buy stuff at a thrift store. That is generally junk that is kind of worn out, but you know still okay to use.

I wonder if old time religion would be kind of worn out? And would you really want a bridge that was old and worn out. Plus bridges are pretty darn big, where the heck would you keep the thing?

It sure must have been a big deal to these folks if they went to the trouble of singing about it though. I reckon it was one of those things were you had to be there.

Gee, I wonder if they were talking about a toll bridge? Yeah, maybe that was it. You know how they are always looking for money in a church. Maybe they hoped it would help out if they got some extra money from a toll bridge.

I guess you could put on up that lead to the parking lot of a church. But seeing how the church already has what they call an offer-ring, where they come to you with this dinner plate and expect you to put money in it, I doubt the bridge think would be a big deal.

And I know this offer-ring thing just has to be God's idea since the Reverend Analbe talks to God personally and he is always asking for money. Only so far no matter how much I tossed in that plate he never offers me any ring that I can remember. Seems like he kind of forgets about that part.

In any case I don't think I'll worry about it too much. Although I did hear that over in this one place this guy was trying to sell something call the Brooklyn Bridge. I didn't hear how old it was though. It might not be old enough for those folks in that church

So maybe they wouldn't want that bridge. Which was the other part. They never did mention the size of bridge they wanted either.

Shoot they got on over at the miniature golf course that might be something they could get. And I reckon it is old too. Maybe the next time I see the Reverend Analbe I'll mention it to him, even though he never seems to enjoy my suggestions.

TO PEE OR NOT TO PEE, THAT IS THE QUESTION

That might seem like a dumb question to you, but let me tell you it sure is important when your kidneys are screaming and there ain't no bathroom around. It is the time you got to figure a way to choose to either tough it out with the pee-pee dance or end up finding some bush somewhere.

This comes up too often when my buddy Otis and I are out there on patrol as grimefighters. It might not if those darn griminals only did their grime during decent hours like the middle of the day.

But no, they got to be out in the middle of the nights. I keep forgetting to ask them what the deal is with that considering I'm sure they got to pee also. Of course with them I reckon they hardly worry where they pee since grime is not about clean that's for sure.

And I hope I do remember one of these times to ask them before I bash them senseless. Because you can be darn sure they aren't going to tell me much after they are unconscious.

Well, until that happens I guess I'm stuck with figuring out the best way to find a decent bathroom when most things are closed. And brother is that a heck of a chore at times.

Why just the other day there I was in one of our diaper service vans and feeling like there was an ocean in my kidneys just demanding attention. Boy, talk about feeling under stress!

What I did you know was to find a place where somebody was and see if I could use their bathroom. Unfortunately for me the only place we found anybody was this one warehouse with a security guard.

Sometimes those dudes are decent. In this case, the guy was a jerk. And it looked like he had plenty of practice at it too.

There I was standing in front of his door and doing the pee-pee dance and that ought to have told him enough. But he had to ask me a zillion stupid questions.

Man, all I did was tell him the truth. You know, how I work for this super secret organization called STINK. And how I am this Super Hero grimefighter type that fights to keep the world save from filth and grime.

Then I told him how hard we work and capturing people for bad stuff like littering. I figured he would be impressed with all of that. But he wasn't.

I won't repeat what he said, but let me tell you it wasn't uplifting, that's for sure. So I decided to uplift him with my bat.

I didn't stick around to get his opinion on my comment. At least his lunch pale made a good temporary toilet.

IT AIN'T EASY

Now what really sucks is how this applies to way too many things. I just don't get it. How come the stuff some people claim is easy is never really easy.

And if you point that out to somebody they tell you that you are nuts. Like everything in the world is perfect and nobody has BO. Yeah, like that is going to happen.

Well, I have my own way of dealing with crap that is not easy. I put it on my list. I have all kinds of categories. There is "that close list." Those are the things that are almost easy, but still are a pain in the butt.

However, those are still a lot better than the "you've got to be kidding" category. Those are the ones that aren't impossible, but will probably never actually happen. So they are generally the ones that some knucklehead of a cheese eating rat boy like Junior Hemoglobin says we should try.

Then I can't forget the "Not in this life time category." Those are the ones where you would need a real miracle for it to happen. And so far I haven't found the place where they issue miracles so I could get put on the waiting list.

I did check with the Reverend Analbe once if he could put in a good word with God for me. But I never was very clear if he said yes. It is hard to figure out what he is saying when he talks with his mouth full of a jelly donut.

So I sort of figure that option wasn't going to work for me. And thus I just added that category to my list.

Meanwhile, I'm still working on revising the list too. I got a few more things to consider. Like the dummy section.

That when I have to put up with some knucklehead who tries to say what is easy and what is not who can't even manage to tie their shoes. They are always such experts who never have a clue of what they are talking about.

But naturally, of all the jerks I have to listen to the ones that don't have any idea what they are saying seem the most insistent upon telling me what is easy. Only they never bother to actually do any of the stuff themselves you understand. That would be too much work.

I also going to start a "You should have known better category." That is like when are driving with the gas gauge on empty and keep telling yourself you are okay for a few more miles.

I guess sometimes not easy and stupid sort of go together. Hopefully, we don't have to get a case of the stupids and lazy butt at the same time. That really makes for a bad day. And who needs any extra of those?

Thought for the week: "Are people who write graffitti all prophets? They must be because my buddy Otis says you know when something is going to happen by the handwriting on the wall."

SUPERMAN AND CRAB CAKES

I kind of put these two together on account of they are both things you don't need all the time, but when you do need them you really need them. I know with Superman there are a lot of times we could all use a super hero, but sometimes I think it is more than others.

The same thing for me kind of applies to crab cakes. Now I'm not a big fan of stuff that is kind of fishy, but everyone once and a while, I just have to have them. And right now.

I don't know, but of course getting crab cakes are a little easier to come by than contacting Superman. You would figure he could spread himself around a little more rather than spending all this time at some newspaper because he has a crush on some girl.

That is the one nice thing about being a super hero with a regular job, I can pretty much save the world any time and not just when there is some deadline to print a newspaper. Plus I don't have to run to find some phone book to change into my uniform either.

You would figure that people might give me a break because of that fact. But do they? Shoot no! I never hear them singing songs about me coming to save the day, darn it all.

Plus the other upside to this if they would think about it is that if you had rare yearning to eat some crab cakes, I could stop by the store and pick up some. Heck, I bet I could even warm them up with the heater in our garbage truck or diaper service van.

But then I reckon there are some people who wouldn't be too keen having a super hero show up holding a plate of hot crab cakes who had been in a garbage truck. People are funny about stuff like that.

Personally, I think they make way too much of a deal about things like the smell. You know if you hang around a garbage truck long enough you get used to the smell.

Why after a while it don't bother me at all. And I just don't understand those folks in the restaurants who make such a fuss about the smell when we are in a hurry and stop by to get some lunch before washing up. Honestly they are just so dang annoying to see them holding their noses like we were griminals instead of grimefighting super heroes.

You can be darn sure I would never fetch them guys any crab cakes. Maybe a pile of trash to shove up their nose, but no crab cakes.

I think I'm going to work on this more to prove it isn't a bad deal. I think if I give people a choice they will make the right decision.

So it could either be waiting for Superman to show up whenever with no guarantees he isn't out on a date or trusting to me with my crab cakes. And if they just learn to hold their noses for a bit they will eventually get used to the smell. Would that be work being rescued by a super hero you could depend upon to show up when you needed him too. That is unless they are having another sale on jelly beans. Then you might have t leave a message on my answering machine and let me get back to you.

NEEDING CLOSURE

For crying out loud what is the problem here? Who is so stupid they can't remember to close a stupid door? Jeez, you got to worry about some people if in the middle of the winter they think the need closure. All I can say is get off your lazy butt and close the stupid door moron.

And beyond that what else is there to say? Unless you are talking about other types of closing. I mean there re some knuckleheads out there who can't remember to close the refrigerator or bathroom door. They are really sick people if you ask me.

What I also don't get are those people who apparently run around putting doors on roads. I'm sorry, but you know roads don't need any doors. That ought to be easy for anyone to understand.

So what kind of lunatic thinks that is cool to put a closed door on the freeway or any other road. It really sucks if you ask me. There ain't no way I want to be cruising down any road and have to stop to open a door.

And what if they yo-yo locked the stupid thing? That would really be the pits. Which is okay I guess, if you happen to be a locksmith or something, but it wouldn't be cool to the rest of us.

What is worse is that these crazies wait till there is bad weather to put up those doors. I ask you is that insane or what? It is too me.

I guess I've been lucky so far because I haven't been anywhere on any road where I've had to stop for closed door. That is a good thing if you ask me.

I know, nobody asked, but at least I'm prepared in case they do. When it does happen, I'll just see if I can use my bat to fix the problem.

Actually, if that clown who put up the door happen to be around, I'll be more than happy to use it on that dude. I think any knucklehead that is silly enough to run around putting up doors where they don't belong deserves whatever he or she gets.

In the meantime, I'm thinking of calling up a few door places. Maybe they can tell me if these doors used in road closures look a lot different than a regular door.

That way I can be on the watch should they happen to appear on some road. Yeah, with lame minds running around using doors in weird places, it never hurts to be prepared.

Of course it might be even more fun if you didn't even have to worry at all about any kinds of closures. That way it would be one less thing to bug a person.

It is just a shame these door dudes don't think that way. If they did we probably wouldn't have to even write about it.

STUFF IT

"I got it."

"Okay, let's hear it."

"An asteroid."

"What do you mean an asteroid?"

"Just that Otis. We could say we were nearly struck by an asteroid. And avoiding it to be sure we didn't allow the diaper service to get all smash up was why we were late."

"I don't think it will work old buddy," I say as we tool down the road at a snail's pace.

We are hardly in a rush to get back to headquarters. Normally we wouldn't worry about it, but we allowed the impulse of the moment to get the best of us.

I suppose if I let myself I could dwell on how addictions to Spam for me and Smog Boy's addictions to jelly beans was a bad thing. But then it is so much easier to sit and give in to the whims of indulging our passions while pretending it was something else.

In this case, our assignment took us perilously close to the mall. So much so, that we couldn't free ourselves from the call to stop. And then once inside the moment of inspiration just got the best of us.

I might have managed to avoid that problem, but ever since that one store added a section where they have canned meats, I am its slave. I'm not proud of the fact, but I am.

As for my buddy, well when he entered that sugar oasis and stared ravenously into the jelly bean containers, the waves of lust just took control over his soul. He was hopelessly intoxicate with his need for a sugar rush.

What could I do? I was off lusting after that Holy Grail of canned meat delights, Spam. I was incapable of any restrain.

So we both ended up in the dreaded corridor where time has no meaning and all we can do is give into that which controls our souls. Such is the secret we do what we must to keep from ruining our image as super hero grimefighters.

My option is not let anyone know by lying about the fact. My buddies option is to try and threaten anyone so inclined to tell on us with his bat. It is naturally less than an honorable option.

However, we do sort of try to compromise when the need arises. I always do what I can to encourage others to cooperate rather than let them end up being greeted by my buddy's wooden pal.

Meanwhile, we tool down the road, hoping to figure out the perfect excuse in order to get our boss to believe we managed to save the world from filth on another time. Actually, I guess it would be best to call it saving a block. Um practically, if you make it a real short one.

"And I say an asteroid is the perfect choice. Having somebody toss a rock at you is as good a reason as any to have to stop the van."

"But an asteroid comes from space."

"So the person had really long arms. Besides let's see Dr. Hemoglobin prove it didn't happen?"

"Oh yeah that is such a help. I hate to tell you this old buddy, but our boss is not stupid enough to believe some meteor pick a perfect moment to come down from the sky and try to hit our van."

"A meat-eater? I didn't say anything about something like a shark falling out of the sky."

"I said meteor, not meat-eater."

"Sounds like the same thing to me."

"How in the world do you figure that? A meteor is a rock that was in space and then got caught in the earth's gravity. A meat-eater is an animal."

"Maybe this was a fake meteor that was in reality a big fat stupid animal that loves to sneak up on grimefighters."

"Now you are really getting ridiculous."

"I'm telling you I don't think we ought to give up on this thing till we really think it through completely."

"And I think you better just help me figure out a better option. Trying to pass that lame excuse off would have as much success as expecting Ramy Jarvis to not need to use the bathroom every half hour. Being ninety four he's luck if he can even make it that long without having to pee."

"Man when you put it that way it really sucks."

"That it does."

"What if I just wait in the hallway with a rock and bash Junior in the head with it when he comes by?"

"And you figure somehow that will help us come up with an excuse to tell Dr. Hemoglobin?"

"It might not work. But it sure would make talking to him more fun knowing that rat boy son of his got what he deserved!"

"And if you can't get a rock to fall on us you figure hitting Junior with one is just as good?"

"You got it."

"Uh-huh, right. I'm sure that would make you feel better. But I just don't think it would impress Dr. Hemoglobin."

"No? Not even if we made like whooshing sound for special affects before I clobbered Junior?"

"Even then."

"Darn the special effects thing always seems to help with the movies. They always seem to make things work just the way you want."

"While it is true that for you there isn't a lot of difference between reality and the movies at time, it just isn't going to work in this situation."

"Okay, okay. I know I could bash Agent Squeaky Clean with a rock. How about that? I bet Dr. Hemoglobin wouldn't mind then."

"What is with you and the rock thing today? Jeez, this is getting silly."

"When I get a good inspiration, I like to stick with it. I'm not giving up on my rock dreams just because you don't think it is a good thing."

"Whatever. Look we need a real help here. Not some rock fantasy."

"Okay, how about a brick then. I know where I can get a couple."

"God another bashing thing?"

"It's not a rock. You never said anything about not bashing."

"Look old buddy this is not helping. I know how fond you are of bashing, but it doesn't solve all problems."

"Well if you work it right and have just the right angle with nobody for a witness it sure does give you a reason to smile."

"Uh-huh. However beneficial you think that little tidbit might be it doesn't help with our current predicament. We still got to have a realistic excuse here."

"I got it."

"What is that?"

"We can say the diaper service broke down. You know like the engine stopped working and we fixed it."

"I don't know. It might work."

"Cool. Then pull over and I'll get a rock and beat on the engine and then — "

"Will you please knock off with the rock thing. It just isn't going to help. Okay."

"Man Otis you sure know how to be a pain at times."

"And you know how to give a guy a headache from having to listen to too much stupidity!"

"You call it stupidity, I call it inspiration. It is like that dude Salt Shaker or Shake a beer or whatever said. A nose by any other drain would still smell stinky feet."

"That was William Shakespeare and I have a feeling he wouldn't be all that thrilled with you interpretation of his words."

"Why? Have you talked to him or something?"

"That would be kind of hard since he is dead."

"Really? That's odd, I thought he was doing movies or something?"

"Movies? Now what are you talking about?"

"I heard about this movie where the dude was supposedly this Shakespearean Actor. So figured that you know, maybe it was this Shake-dude moonlighting or something."

"Oh brother. I guess I should feel blessed that you only decide to share these little jewels of wisdom only with me."

"Just glad to help Otis. As my bud, I figure if I can infrighten you who can I?"

"Infrighten?"

"Yeah, you know when you help somebody see the light. Like maybe they can't find the light switch or something."

"Oh you mean, enlighten."

"Yeah that's it."

"Actually, I think you were closer to the truth the first time."

"I was?"

"Oh yeah. Trust me pal, when you share your little tidbits of knowledge it is so scary that it would pretty much frighten some people."

"Um is that a good thing?"

"That depends?"

"Depends on what?"

"Probably how much aspirin the person can get a hold off at a drug store. I'm sure the drug store appreciates all the extra sales."

"Um, er, oh man. I wish you would stop fooling around on this Otis. It sort of is stopping to be funny."

"Well, how about if we just get back to the more important issue then. We still got to decide what to tell Dr. Hemoglobin."

"How about if we do like that other time?"

"Which time was that?"

"The one where we told him about having to chase that griminal into that sewer. When we came back all covered in crap his eyes were watering so bad, he didn't even care about our reasons."

"Yeah, but Smog Boy, in that situation we really did chase a griminal into the sewer. We didn't have to make it up."

"Oh picky, picky. I say we go find a sewer and then get all messy and tell him the same thing. I bet with his eyes watering up he wouldn't even ask anything else."

"You honestly want to get all stinky and grimy in order to avoid admitting we were goofy off rather than actually doing our job?"

"I can live with that."

"Right. That is what you saw now, but I have a feeling you wouldn't feel that way once we got all messy. You'd end up whining and complaining and before I know it you'd be spilling your guts. Then we would be in even bigger trouble."

"So have you figured out what would be a good option then?"

"Actually, I think for a change we might even tell him the truth?"

"The truth? Are you crazy, we can't do that."

"Of course we can. In fact he would probably appreciate the honesty for a change. It might even inspire him to reward us for such honesty."

"Now you've done it. You've gone completely bonkers. We need to get you to a doctor. This is just too weird."

"Come on now, don't you think you would enjoy not having to invent the truth for a change?"

"Not if it ends up with our butts in trouble. I don't want that no matter what happens."

"I just think we need to take our chances. It might even inspire us to go on and be more diligent as grimefighters."

"You sick. Ain't now way I'm going to be and dill-gent. I don't like dill pickles and I ain't going to start eating them I don't care how much you say it would make me look like gent."

"God this is hopeless."

"That's the way I figure it. We can go around with that kind of stupid thinking."

"I don't care what you say, Smog Boy, I'm going to tell the truth."

"You would. Well, I guess I'm stuck then. All I want you to do is promise me if we get some really bad punishment you'll remember to do the bad part instead of me."

"That I can do," I vow as we pull into STINK's parking lot.

"So what did he say Otis?" Smog Boy asks me later as he sits in the break room after I return from reporting in.

"Nothing."

"Really? You mean he was okay with it then? Wow that is amazing."

"Actually, he wasn't there. He went home early sick. Never even knew we were late."

"So you going to tell him when you see him tomorrow then?"

I just look at my buddy and smile. In the silence I say a little prayer of gratitude for flu germs and how at times even they can be a blessing.

THE FORCE

Okay, I think I figured this one out. I was watching this movie about Stars fighting. I guess it happens with actors.

Anyway they had a bunch of dudes in weird outfits running around saying and doing weird things. It was a pretty good movie despite this one creep who walked around with what looked like a black lamp shade on his head and dressed in some black long johns or some thing as well as a cape.

Now his name was something like Darp Vayjerk or something. And I spent most of the movie talking funny like he had a cold. But when he wasn't talking funny he was saying something about the thing called the force.

As best as I could figure that meant it was something you could use. From what I understand the force is generally something say about the police.

So I reckon that he was you know talking about calling them a lot. Seeing how he was such a jerk I bet he probably called them with prank calls.

Well, he never did get in trouble for that. He should of. And I tried to help out with that problem.

I call up the local cops to explain how this jerk was causing trouble for them. And I do got to admit that they were nice and listen. At least till I got to the part where I told him his name.

That officer sure wasn't very nice about it after I mentioned that. In fact he said I might benefit from some therapy.

I don't think so myself. I mean my back is fine. I don't need one of those therapist dude to make it feel better. He probably gets a kickback or something for referrals.

Then he got really snooty and wanted to know my name. Well, heck I figured it wasn't a good idea to tell him my real name. I mean he would have probably put me on one of those mailing lists. And who needs that?

So I ended up giving him my neighbor's name and phone number. That was the best I could think off.

Which I think worked out okay because the cops never did come by to see my neighbor. And it wouldn't do any good anyway.

Because not too long after I talked to that policeman a couple of guys white coats showed up and took my neighbor with him in one of those coats where they tied the arms around back. I heard him kept shouting how this was a mistake and he didn't say anything about the force, but they didn't seem to care. Anyway, at least I know I'm not the only one who knows about the force and I guess that is a good thing.

MAKING A DIFFERENCE

I get kind of confused on this thing a little. I mean sometimes with people if they think you are different it means they think you are weird. And the last time I checked that ain't exactly something that gives you a reason to smile.

But then I heard this politician talking about wanting to a make a difference. He made it sound like a thing you hammered together someway.

I'm thinking perhaps he was kind of talking about something he dreamt or whatever. I mean making a difference, but not saying what the difference is was not much help in my opinion.

Shoot, he could be talking about anything and that kind of concerns me. There are good kinds of different and some that aren't so good.

I know with my buddy, Otis, for example, different is the word he uses to talk about foods that he insists we try that we haven't tried before. And let me tell you some of those kinds of different are not ones that will make a person smile.

At least they don't make me smile. I guess they might be okay to some folks, but they sure aren't to me. So you'll have to excuse me here if I don't think having a grapefruit, sauerkraut flavored milk shake is the kind of different I can get excited about.

Now beyond when Otis gets in these moods to risk our tummies with some dark different food, there is also the different our boss, Dr. Hemoglobin, gets all excited about. Only with him you can be sure his different will involved more work for us.

I don't mind that providing he doesn't allow his son, rat boy, Junior Hemoglobin, get in on the different thing. He's different enough as it is. And he sure doesn't need any help in that department.

So I always refused to get too excited on this different thing when I hear it mentioned over at STINK. That is till I find out who is the one that is talking about different.

Course the worse kind of different I can think of is when Truly Grimy has a chance to make us something different for lunch. Let me tell you the one thing that doesn't help is biting into one of her ideas of food for any meal. A person can end up with a tummy needing a stomach pump and that is not a good kind of different in my view.

So if this politician dude was rambling on and on about different, all I can say is I hope his idea of making one is better than some that we have experienced. Gee I wonder if he will make it with some new taxes? It just seems that politicians can make much of anything unless it includes new taxes. They are funny that way. Only it ain't the kind of funny that makes most of us smile. That would definitely be a different that would really be different. Only I doubt any politician would ever consider working on that kind of making a difference would they?

A HARD DAYS BITE

Man there is nothing worse that coming home from work after a really lousy day and not having anything there that is good to eat. What really sucks is if you go to the kitchen and grab a snack like some donut and it turns out to be stale. Talk about disappointing!

Now all of that is listed on my list of number one pissers of a day. But there is an even worse list too.

That is the super duper bummer list. Those are the hard day's bites that are even a bigger pain in the butt.

Like say if you go out for take out and food and bring it home to discover it tastes like crap. Biting into some dried out, old donut is one thing. But bringing up a meal you expect to taste good and it is disgusting really ruins my mood.

This generally only happens to me if I trust to my buddy Otis to figure out what kind of fast food we ought to try. Here I am exhausting and starving with my tummy grumbling and he decides to try something new in terms of take out.

We got this one street not to far from our apartment where there are a whole of fast food places. Most are the usual ones you see anyway.

But there are also the new ones that have just opened to offer something they all different. As a rule these places don't last too long, but Otis still can resist giving them a try when we don't have anything decent to eat at home.

Now I don't mind if the place happens to you know offer say a burger that is a little different like added more cheese of something. But those are the type that they open.

We are talking about weird kinds of foods. Like if they open up a place that sells nothing, but raw vegetable that are served in a pirate's hat. Is this suppose to make them taste better? It sure doesn't to me.

Anyway, with my buddy, it seems like he gets brain drain or something. Because no matter how many times this comes out to be a disaster, he still is a sucker for a new place.

What I hate is when he goes out and brings the stuff home without me. Because I'm sitting thinking burger and fries and he brings home raw fish served with something that I don't even want to look at.

About the only good thing is normally I manage to find a way to get off to somewhere they have a vending machine. A few candy bars or other decent snacks manages to help take the edge off that disaster.

And if I'm lucky Otis doesn't find a stupid vending machine that sells health foods. The last thing I need when my tummy is empty is anything with the word "organic!"

SMILE WHEN YOU DON'T SAY THAT

I've seen those movies where you are told if you say something insulting to smile while you are saying it. Does this make it less insulting? I don't think so.

Oh well, I'm working this year on new approach to life. Well that is what Otis calls it every year in January when he decides we need to do things different.

Course he doesn't come right out and say I got to smile when I'm griping about some stupid thing he says we ought to do now, but he sure doesn't like it if I don't. As if smiling is going to make this darn change any less stupid.

Anyway, I've just come to figure that about December I better start practicing smiling a lot even if I don't feel like smiling. Because if there is one thing worse than this change business it is when Otis tries to cheer me up.

Which to be honest is even worse than the times he wants to make us do things different come January. My buddy can be pretty cool about stuff at times, but let me tell you trying to cheer me up over crap just don't work.

About the only good I can say that comes out of any of it takes place in February. That is because by then he's gotten bored with all that crazy changing stuff and I can go back to enjoying life again.

Plus that is about when he starts having to figure our taxes and let me tell you there ain't nothing that gets him more bummed out than doing that. Guess part of this January thing is his hoping it will eventually change the tax thing.

That hasn't happen yet, naturally. And I don't know if it ever will, but I know he sure wishes it would.

As for me, well heck I'm just glad when March finally gets here. That is because Otis finally calms down of the whole tax thing and completely forgotten the whole change thing.

For a while life stays pretty cool. At least till May. Then he starts seeing all those ads about summer and starts freaking out because he doesn't look at that cool in a pair of swimming trunks.

Why he worries about it I have no idea. We never go to the beach to swim anyhow. Mainly to stop by this place where they sell these really great burgers.

Oh well, I guess before I know it summer will come. Then hopefully we can just go out and play and pretend life is just fine as it is.

It sure sounds good. And maybe we can sometime just enjoy a day or month and smile when we don't say it.

Thought for the week: "How can you root for the good guys in politics when they never wear any hats that are black or white? Seems like it would be easier than just trying to figure out, which one is fibbing."

THE GOOD OLD DAYS

There are two things I know about this. It involves old days and they were apparently good.

Now how come they were one or both I guess depends on who you are. I can remember lots of old days. If you are talking about the ones that already happened. Otherwise I guess they really aren't old.

Only problem is you don't know how old they have to be in order to really be old. That might be a good thing to have figured out before you went looking for a given day to see if it was really old.

I mean are we talking recent like last week or really ancient like last year or longer away? It just never says does it? Thank you very much to the person who came up with this stupid saying and didn't explain that part.

Then I got to ask if you do happen to figure out what old days we are talking about, who is the good they are for? It don't seem like they bother to explain that either.

So what gives with this anyway? Is this like a bunch of people who make calendars trying to get us to buy used ones in hopes we remember some good deal that happen? I do have to wonder.

I can't speak for anybody else, but I sure what somebody to give me a whole lot more information before I get all excited and try to figure this out. Only I'm not sure who is suppose to be the one doing the explaining. Again that is another detail they don't bother to mention huh?

So okay, I guess we are going to have to go about this the hard way. That means figuring it out by myself without any help since obviously the rats who came up with this stuff are volunteering this information.

Now the way I figured this must start with the fact that we are talking days. So that should help a little since you don't have to figure just one day.

The good part would to me mean it had to be fun. Like holidays. That seems fair. And we also know they were old. Well, I would say that means late in the day.

So there you have it. We are talking about holidays where you had fun after dark. Gosh that was easier than I thought it would be.

Still, how come they just don't talk about holidays then? I know this is another of those stupid thing were people want to keep you guessing just to piss you off. That doesn't make it good. Guess you just can't trust some people to tell it like it is. But if these jerks who came up with this ever bother to fess up they made this whole thing up, I'll be ready to listen. Providing they don't fool around too much or complicated it more than it is.