STUFF IT

"I got it."

"Okay, let's hear it."

"An asteroid."

"What do you mean an asteroid?"

"Just that Otis. We could say we were nearly struck by an asteroid. And avoiding it to be sure we didn't allow the diaper service to get all smash up was why we were late."

"I don't think it will work old buddy," I say as we tool down the road at a snail's pace.

We are hardly in a rush to get back to headquarters. Normally we wouldn't worry about it, but we allowed the impulse of the moment to get the best of us.

I suppose if I let myself I could dwell on how addictions to Spam for me and Smog Boy's addictions to jelly beans was a bad thing. But then it is so much easier to sit and give in to the whims of indulging our passions while pretending it was something else.

In this case, our assignment took us perilously close to the mall. So much so, that we couldn't free ourselves from the call to stop. And then once inside the moment of inspiration just got the best of us.

I might have managed to avoid that problem, but ever since that one store added a section where they have canned meats, I am its slave. I'm not proud of the fact, but I am.

As for my buddy, well when he entered that sugar oasis and stared ravenously into the jelly bean containers, the waves of lust just took control over his soul. He was hopelessly intoxicate with his need for a sugar rush.

What could I do? I was off lusting after that Holy Grail of canned meat delights, Spam. I was incapable of any restrain.

So we both ended up in the dreaded corridor where time has no meaning and all we can do is give into that which controls our souls. Such is the secret we do what we must to keep from ruining our image as super hero grimefighters.

My option is not let anyone know by lying about the fact. My buddies option is to try and threaten anyone so inclined to tell on us with his bat. It is naturally less than an honorable option.

However, we do sort of try to compromise when the need arises. I always do what I can to encourage others to cooperate rather than let them end up being greeted by my buddy's wooden pal.

Meanwhile, we tool down the road, hoping to figure out the perfect excuse in order to get our boss to believe we managed to save the world from filth on another time. Actually, I guess it would be best to call it saving a block. Um practically, if you make it a real short one.

"And I say an asteroid is the perfect choice. Having somebody toss a rock at you is as good a reason as any to have to stop the van."

"But an asteroid comes from space."

"So the person had really long arms. Besides let's see Dr. Hemoglobin prove it didn't happen?"

"Oh yeah that is such a help. I hate to tell you this old buddy, but our boss is not stupid enough to believe some meteor pick a perfect moment to come down from the sky and try to hit our van."

"A meat-eater? I didn't say anything about something like a shark falling out of the sky."

"I said meteor, not meat-eater."

"Sounds like the same thing to me."

"How in the world do you figure that? A meteor is a rock that was in space and then got caught in the earth's gravity. A meat-eater is an animal."

"Maybe this was a fake meteor that was in reality a big fat stupid animal that loves to sneak up on grimefighters."

"Now you are really getting ridiculous."

"I'm telling you I don't think we ought to give up on this thing till we really think it through completely."

"And I think you better just help me figure out a better option. Trying to pass that lame excuse off would have as much success as expecting Ramy Jarvis to not need to use the bathroom every half hour. Being ninety four he's luck if he can even make it that long without having to pee."

"Man when you put it that way it really sucks."

"That it does."

"What if I just wait in the hallway with a rock and bash Junior in the head with it when he comes by?"

"And you figure somehow that will help us come up with an excuse to tell Dr. Hemoglobin?"

"It might not work. But it sure would make talking to him more fun knowing that rat boy son of his got what he deserved!"

"And if you can't get a rock to fall on us you figure hitting Junior with one is just as good?"

"You got it."

"Uh-huh, right. I'm sure that would make you feel better. But I just don't think it would impress Dr. Hemoglobin."

"No? Not even if we made like whooshing sound for special affects before I clobbered Junior?"

"Even then."

"Darn the special effects thing always seems to help with the movies. They always seem to make things work just the way you want."

"While it is true that for you there isn't a lot of difference between reality and the movies at time, it just isn't going to work in this situation."

"Okay, okay. I know I could bash Agent Squeaky Clean with a rock. How about that? I bet Dr. Hemoglobin wouldn't mind then."

"What is with you and the rock thing today? Jeez, this is getting silly."

"When I get a good inspiration, I like to stick with it. I'm not giving up on my rock dreams just because you don't think it is a good thing."

"Whatever. Look we need a real help here. Not some rock fantasy."

"Okay, how about a brick then. I know where I can get a couple."

"God another bashing thing?"

"It's not a rock. You never said anything about not bashing."

"Look old buddy this is not helping. I know how fond you are of bashing, but it doesn't solve all problems."

"Well if you work it right and have just the right angle with nobody for a witness it sure does give you a reason to smile."

"Uh-huh. However beneficial you think that little tidbit might be it doesn't help with our current predicament. We still got to have a realistic excuse here."

"I got it."

"What is that?"

"We can say the diaper service broke down. You know like the engine stopped working and we fixed it."

"I don't know. It might work."

"Cool. Then pull over and I'll get a rock and beat on the engine and then — "

"Will you please knock off with the rock thing. It just isn't going to help. Okay."

"Man Otis you sure know how to be a pain at times."

"And you know how to give a guy a headache from having to listen to too much stupidity!"

"You call it stupidity, I call it inspiration. It is like that dude Salt Shaker or Shake a beer or whatever said. A nose by any other drain would still smell stinky feet."

"That was William Shakespeare and I have a feeling he wouldn't be all that thrilled with you interpretation of his words."

"Why? Have you talked to him or something?"

"That would be kind of hard since he is dead."

"Really? That's odd, I thought he was doing movies or something?"

"Movies? Now what are you talking about?"

"I heard about this movie where the dude was supposedly this Shakespearean Actor. So figured that you know, maybe it was this Shake-dude moonlighting or something."

"Oh brother. I guess I should feel blessed that you only decide to share these little jewels of wisdom only with me."

"Just glad to help Otis. As my bud, I figure if I can infrighten you who can I?"

"Infrighten?"

"Yeah, you know when you help somebody see the light. Like maybe they can't find the light switch or something."

"Oh you mean, enlighten."

"Yeah that's it."

"Actually, I think you were closer to the truth the first time."

"I was?"

"Oh yeah. Trust me pal, when you share your little tidbits of knowledge it is so scary that it would pretty much frighten some people."

"Um is that a good thing?"

"That depends?"

"Depends on what?"

"Probably how much aspirin the person can get a hold off at a drug store. I'm sure the drug store appreciates all the extra sales."

"Um, er, oh man. I wish you would stop fooling around on this Otis. It sort of is stopping to be funny."

"Well, how about if we just get back to the more important issue then. We still got to decide what to tell Dr. Hemoglobin."

"How about if we do like that other time?"

"Which time was that?"

"The one where we told him about having to chase that griminal into that sewer. When we came back all covered in crap his eyes were watering so bad, he didn't even care about our reasons."

"Yeah, but Smog Boy, in that situation we really did chase a griminal into the sewer. We didn't have to make it up."

"Oh picky, picky. I say we go find a sewer and then get all messy and tell him the same thing. I bet with his eyes watering up he wouldn't even ask anything else."

"You honestly want to get all stinky and grimy in order to avoid admitting we were goofy off rather than actually doing our job?"

"I can live with that."

"Right. That is what you saw now, but I have a feeling you wouldn't feel that way once we got all messy. You'd end up whining and complaining and before I know it you'd be spilling your guts. Then we would be in even bigger trouble."

"So have you figured out what would be a good option then?"

"Actually, I think for a change we might even tell him the truth?"

"The truth? Are you crazy, we can't do that."

"Of course we can. In fact he would probably appreciate the honesty for a change. It might even inspire him to reward us for such honesty."

"Now you've done it. You've gone completely bonkers. We need to get you to a doctor. This is just too weird."

"Come on now, don't you think you would enjoy not having to invent the truth for a change?"

"Not if it ends up with our butts in trouble. I don't want that no matter what happens."

"I just think we need to take our chances. It might even inspire us to go on and be more diligent as grimefighters."

"You sick. Ain't now way I'm going to be and dill-gent. I don't like dill pickles and I ain't going to start eating them I don't care how much you say it would make me look like gent."

"God this is hopeless."

"That's the way I figure it. We can go around with that kind of stupid thinking."

"I don't care what you say, Smog Boy, I'm going to tell the truth."

"You would. Well, I guess I'm stuck then. All I want you to do is promise me if we get some really bad punishment you'll remember to do the bad part instead of me."

"That I can do," I vow as we pull into STINK's parking lot.

"So what did he say Otis?" Smog Boy asks me later as he sits in the break room after I return from reporting in.

"Nothing."

"Really? You mean he was okay with it then? Wow that is amazing."

"Actually, he wasn't there. He went home early sick. Never even knew we were late."

"So you going to tell him when you see him tomorrow then?"

I just look at my buddy and smile. In the silence I say a little prayer of gratitude for flu germs and how at times even they can be a blessing.