WHAT'S UP?

Is this a stupid question or what? If you want to know what’s up all you got to do is look up, right? So what is the problem with the person asking this stupid question then? Are they too lazy to look up or what?

Course there are things that go up that you don’t find in the sky. Like a person’s weight. That can go up and let’s face it that is the one thing you would rather not have someone know about!

Prices also go up and that isn’t cool either. And frankly there are plenty of times I would rather not know that part either. Besides you don’t need to ask since you will find out quick enough when you get to some check out counter.

What I want to know though is how come we are mainly concerned with up and not down? We never ask, “what’s down?” I guess because with things like prices it isn’t that important since it doesn’t mean you have to spend extra on something huh?

Anyway there is this guy over at STINK that will always ask “what’s up?” And he will do this whenever we see him sort of if he’s saying hello, which isn’t the same thing.

In his case it does get a little annoying though. I mean because he will even ask that of us right after we all have gone to some meeting and he heard just like we did what was up as in new. Still he asks anyway like he was too lazy to pay attention and expected us to do if for him. Jeez is that boring!

Well in either case the one thing I’ve observed is that up isn’t always a bad thing, but it isn’t always a good thing either. It sort of depends on what you are talking about and that is okay too.

And regardless of how boring the question can be or how many times the answer is nothing new is up, I know it is still going to be asked by some people. I suppose in those situations the thing that would be nice is to tell the person that what is really new is your desire that they stop asking what is up?

That is when the thing that is up is my sense of frustration. Which isn’t necessarily a good thing either. But try explaining that to some people who still are going to ask that question anyway. Ain’t that the pitts?

Oh well as Otis keeps telling me life goes on. I’m not always sure why, but it does. And the good thing is that every once and a while it goes up for a good reason. I try to let those times be when I have a reason to feel good about being asked that question.

Plus I got to admit that there are times when I get awful tempted to make up crap when asked that question too. I guess I just feel an obligation to make the person who keeps asking feel jealous that I’m having a good time, even if I really am not doing that cool.

Life sure can be crazy at times in that regard. And up ain’t always a direction as much as a mood!

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK: "Cheaters never prosper. However if they lie good enough they might fake it to the point you won't know the difference."

WHAT'S HAPPENING

Well this is another of those “phrases” that you hear from some people. And that can be really frustrating over at STINK.

That’s because I generally get asked it by old rat boy, Junior Hemoglobin, when Otis and I are on assignment. He’ll call us on our STINK squash cell phone when we are busy and ask that very thing, “What’s happening out there?”

Now in his case what gripes me is that he’s just being lazy. I mean he never risks his butt going on assignment. That would me him missing out on watching television and sitting with his feet up on his desk while snacking on cheese.

But since he is Dr. Hemoglobin’s son and STINK’s Assistant Director, he sort of has to pretend he actually is working. So his idea of doing that is to get the occasional update reports from us grimefighters while we are on assignment. Which he normally only does during commercials!

Anyway Otis and both know when our STINK phone rings while we are in the middle of some assignment it will be Junior calling and asking that question. He won’t really care about the answer, but he will ask just the same. Which is really annoying at times to both Otis and me.

My buddy did find a way to make things a little fun one time though, which I thought was so cool. When Junior called he told him that we were in the middle of a fight to the death with all these griminals. Oh man did he sound convincing and even added some sound affects and faked the bad guys screaming in the back ground. Boy did my buddy sound convincing.

The truth was that we were in this ice cream parlor stuffing our faces with ice cream sundaes, but Junior didn’t need to know that. But Junior didn’t know that of course and Otis wasn’t about to tell him. And it did take my buddy a couple of minutes to finally get Junior to figure out that Otis was actually claiming to have an emergency.

Well finally Junior got the idea, but since he isn’t used to thinking that hard, he really had no idea what to do next. And just as Otis wanted, the dude sort of went crazy and panicked.

Meanwhile Otis is keeping up his act on the phone and the more he is describing out battle to the death the more Junior is panicking. Then when Junior starts rambling about trying to help us, Otis hangs up the phone like he got disconnected.

What happen after that was so cool. Junior’s solution was to send out all our guys at headquarters on a rescue mission. However since he had no idea where we were, he had them drive like crazy all over town to see if they could find us.

I tell you it was so funny to see those diaper service vans whiz pass the ice cream parlor while the grimefighters inside looked totally confused. We had thirds on sundaes before moseying back to base. There we were met by Dr. Hemoglobin and Junior and man was Junior’s face red when he saw we didn’t even have a scratch.

Otis just played dumb and said that Junior must have misunderstood the call. That things were okay. And the good thing is at least since then is that Junior hasn’t ever called to ask “what’s happening?” Which itself is good news to me.

WHAT'S NEW

Man I always enjoy finding this out from folks when it is good news. Some good new is a lot better than something bad new. I just wish everyone else felt the same way.

What happens to me is that I get in the mood to ask people what’s new? Only there are a few people where that isn’t a good idea to ask because you can be darn sure the answer is going to be bad. It will in fact be downright depressing.

But dummy me I find it hard to break my habit and before I can stop my mouth I’m asking that question of the wrong person. Then I get stuck having to sit there and listen to whatever dribble they call new and smile and pretend I’m enjoying it.

And the worse thing is because I asked they really think I want to know. What I really hate is when I ask this of the wrong person and then they start thinking I always want to hear them complaining. So when I’m at STINK having lunch they’ll come up to me and sit down and start talking tell I finally ask the question.

Then watch out because I know I’m going to get a mouthful of real boring crap. I have to fight to keep from yawning. Sometimes I manage to escape by making up some excuse about having to go to the bathroom. Afterwards I just hang out in the bathroom and check the door and make sure he has left before I leave. Which normally takes a while with some dudes so then I have to make some fake farting sounds to make him think I really have to go to the bathroom.

Now I suppose I could tell them I don’t want to listen. And if I could keep my darn mouth shut and not ask that stupid question I could probably get away with it. But outside of sewing my lips shut I doubt that I could accomplish that.

So what I do is my best to make sure I don’t end up in the lunchroom when I know those couple of grimefighters are going to be there. Sometimes I manage sometimes I don’t. And when I don’t well I know I’m going to end up spending a far amount of time in the bathroom.

Anyway I guess with some people you just have to live with them being the kind that only get excited about bad news. Guess you can’t expect them all to enjoy just good news huh?

About the only good part for me is the times I get to run into this one grimefighter who is so darn good at listening. Now after spending time getting bored listening to those whiners I really look forward to seeing him and telling him how much of a pain they are at times.

It is just too bad he has so many problems with his bowels. Why we’ll be sitting there and I’ll be telling him all about how much of pain those folks are and then all of sudden he’ll end up having to use the bathroom. And from all the farting I hear him doing man he sure has some real big problem with his bowels. Plus I know he’ll be in there a long time, so I just leave and hope to catch him next time.

Meanwhile I hope you luck out on this what’s new thing when you can. And if you end up hearing from a person with only bad news, I hope you are good at fake farts!

HIRING THE HANDICAPPED

Now let me tell you folks I really think it is so great when somebody helps out some poor person with a handicap and has a tough time getting a job. I really think those individuals got enough problems so they need all the help they can get.

Which is why I’m so darn angry at this one store. I went by there the other day and saw a big sign that said they were having a blind sale.

What kind of sick and cruel rat tries to make an extra buck selling a blind person? I just couldn’t believe it when I saw that sign.

And you can bet that I didn’t let them get away trying to do that without letting them know how terrible I thought it was. I just marched right into that store and pounded my fist on the counter and demand to see the manager.

Boy did I let him have it too when he came up to the counter. I told him what I thought of his trying to make money that way. Let me tell you too he sure was surprised to have me confront him on that. He just looked at me with his mouth wide open and in complete shock like I was speaking a foreign language or something.

Well when I got through yelling at him I was feeling so excited that it occurred to me that anyone who would dare to try and buy a blind person for some sick reason was just as bad if not worse. So when this customer came in and asked to see the blinds (meaning to me they wanted more than one blind person, which to me is extra sick) I sure let them have it too.

I want to tell you after chewing them folks out I went over and ripped down that sign and then tore it to shreds. Then I warned them that if I ever saw them try that again I would come back and really let them have it big time.

After that I left feeling pretty darn happy that I did a good deed. It really made me feel extra great.

Well I guess I left there just in time though. Because I heard on the news how some they police had to come out there since some crazy dude had gone into the store and nearly trashed the place and even destroy some of their advertising.

I’m sure glad I didn’t run into person. He sounded really crazy. Although he must have had some sanity since in their description they said he did wear a beanie like I do.

It is too bad there are some weirdoes out there that give beanie wearing such a bad name by doing stupid and crazy things such as acting like a nut at some store. At least I know they will not forget me though. And that was worth it all too me even if I think I’ll pass on going back to a store where you have to worry bout nuts showing up. Although when you are talking about people who tried to get away with selling blind people I can’t help thinking in a way they sort of had it coming.

THE TIME NEXT YEAR

I have this pal over at STINK who is always talking about how this time next year this will be different. And he always means better.

Which is a great idea I suppose and would be even better if it worked that way. Only he never gets around to explain how things are going to be better this time next year. Just that they will be.

I guess I don’t mind him saying that. I just wish it actually worked out that way considering at times he really does have some cool ideas about what is better.

I do admit that it is great to imagine life getting better and that somehow it will mysteriously improve without you honestly doing anything. And maybe one of these days it will work out that way. It just hasn’t happened so far.

What bugs me is this other guy at STINK. He never says how this time next year this will be better. Instead what he does is sort of quietly mention some project he’s working on and actually has plans to how he is going to complete that project.

And you know what is really disgusting. Normally he actually accomplishes that project. Which I could hate him for if he tried bragging about it, but he just never makes a big deal about it.

Still I got to admit that I enjoy hanging with the other guy a lot more. His idea of this time next year is so much more exciting to think of. And we get to sit around and imagine just how perfect things will be. True it never works out that way, but it is sure fun to dream about.

As for the other guy, well it might get more done, but to be honest he never seems that happy about it. So I’m not sure that is better. At least my pal enjoys himself.

I guess what I’m going to try to do is figure a way to try and be a little like both. I mean like thinking up real fun stuff to happen next time this year, but junk you actually can do. That way I can at least smile when I accomplish it.

Well perhaps this time next year things will be different in that regard. That will be so great.

All I have to do is figure out how I’m going to improve them. That is the part I’ll have to work on. Only it can wait till later. Right now I just want to celebrate that they are going to be better.

After all to me if you don’t get to enjoy the whole thing with a few jelly beans and some laughter then it is hardly worth changing. And I think that is what helps to separate us from all the animals. We know how to mess up better and also how fix things too. Hopefully we accomplish both with a smile!

BETTER SAFE THAN...

Safety is always a big deal where I work at STINK. Our boss Dr. Hemoglobin is constantly talking about how we need to be careful and avoid accidents.

Not don’t tell him, but I think to be honest sometimes he ends up giving us so many lectures because I do have a tendency to make a few errors on the job. I don’t do it on purpose, but as they say “accidents happen.”

The only problem is that Dr. Hemoglobin has trouble remembering that when I come in from assignment with my buddy Otis and in our report we have to mention how something went wrong. Now I ask you isn’t it important to honor that saying “better safe than sorry?”

But let me tell you the one thing that Dr. Hemoglobin isn’t is other than sorry when I tried being safe and something went wrong. You would think he could take a little pride in my trying to play it safe, but NOOO he doesn’t.

Now I ask you what would you do if you suspected somebody of being a griminal and had to find out for sure? I mean if there is one thing I know it is that griminals hardly enjoy admitting that they are griminals. Shoot even when you catch them in the act they still will try and argue with you that it wasn’t them.

Which really pisses me off. And my solution to that problem is to use a little persuasion to try and inspire them into admitting the truth. I do that for their benefit too. After all if you don’t admit you have a problem then how can you get better or find some kind of help?

My buddy Otis doesn’t always appreciate my efforts though. I mean to me when I stand then with some dude handcuff and get out my old trusty bat and give him the choice of spilling his guts or having his brains bashed in they normally have little trouble admitting they messed up. So I figured it is a good way to deal with a problem. And it normally gets results.

However my buddy keeps insisting that in some situations folks will say anything to avoid getting bashed. He might be right to some degree, but the way I figured it is better to be safe in that situation than to let some jerk of a griminal go free.

I do have to confess though that I might have to give some serious thought to changing my philosophy a little. At least after that last accident er mistake.

There was watching this guy who looked suspicious wandering down a city street and he was passing out little booklets. I figured they were some kind of litter that a sick mind would give to people to be sure they threw them away.

So I walked up to him and told him to knock it off. Well he tried to claim that they weren’t litter. But as usual I tried to use my bat on him to get him to stop trying to avoid his guilt. And I bet you know how that worked out.

To make a long story short, I guess I should have at least looked at the booklet and found out it was a gospel tract. My buddy Otis says I should have been able to tell by the guy’s white collar that he was a priest, but what can I say, I was distracted. Anyway I guess this is another one of those cases where our leader is going to have to take care of my mistake. And I’m sure he will since I don’t think he likes the idea of risking having a bunch of priests and nuns going on the rampage and threatening to send all of us to the place other than heaven when the time comes.

REFUNDS AND RECYCLING

Alright what gives with the idea of words that start with “re?” I mean the both deal with used stuff right? A rerun of a movie means it ain’t new. And a recycled can means it is empty and once had something good in it.

The closest thing I can figure is that you can normally count on the re somehow implying it is about something that is being used a second time. Sort of like when you re-do something.

And as with reruns it ain’t necessarily a bad thing. I mean I like them. You can pretty much be guaranteed that if you liked it the first time you will the second and that way you also know what to expect.

Now with recycling you get some cash for taking in some old can and letting the crush it up and then melt it down and make a new can out of it. I do worry at times if when it gets made into a can again does that mean it will be cured of somebody else’s germs? There are some folks out there I know I sure don’t want to catch whatever they have. It does make me wonder you know at times when we shop for pop or whatever comes in a can.

I wish there was a way though to get paid for reruns like you do for recycling cans. I just guess that while it would be cool I’m not sure who would pay you for the rerun. I suppose if you have in on DVD you can take it down to some place and sell it. But I sure hope they don’t try crushing it because it sure isn’t going to be as good to watch if it is all smashed.

Well I suppose sooner or later somebody will figure that part out. And who knows maybe they will even come up with a way to do something cool with other things too.

When you think about it doesn’t the word “retired” start with “re” also? So I guess in a way that means starting over. Only you are a lot older and nobody is going to pay you as much to be retired as when you were working. Plus I don’t think you can do much to recycle retired folks either can you?

However it might be worth giving it some thought. Like heck I bet that when your retired you could be a little more flexible with stuff like being an organ donor. After all you got two kidneys and if you recycle one to let somebody use it then you might make a buck or two in the process. Not too shabby if you don’t mind not having that second kidney.

Not that I was the one who came up with that one. It was actually some idea I over heard Mayor Rash Limburger mention one time. In fact I think I remember him talking on the phone to some organ donor clinic to see if they could hang up a rest home sign for a while. There we go again with the “re” part.

In any case I think I’ll let the Mayor give that some thought and work on it. As for me, well I’ll just stick with seeing if there is a way to get some bucks for reruns. Hmmm, I wonder if a DVD can be made to fit into a aluminum pop can? Just a thought.

UNDER THE OVERPASS

This is one of those “special” places I have to visit from time to time as a grimefighter and garbage man. We don’t have a lot of overpasses in our city thank goodness, but let me tell you the ones that we do have ones I don’t generally forget.

Under the overpass is this place where too often you find some of the most disgusting stuff. Where did the idea come that when a person was tooling on an overpass it was a good idea to toss your garbage so it lands under the thing?

Have these jerks no shame? Do they really think for one second they are fooling anybody by trying to use that spot as a dump? I tell you it is absolutely disgraceful behavior.

But I’m not one to ignore this need. That means that every once and a while Otis and I take a trip over to this spot and do our part to clean it up. Sometimes it does take a while, others not so long.

For me this is just part of our job. Something we do without boasting about it to help fight the problem of filth and grime. I’m always glad when it is done and we can reward ourselves with some cool refreshment or other form of entertainment.

I just wish my buddy Otis didn’t use these outings to get on philosophical and start rambling about so-called “deeper significance of the discards we find.” I’ll be wandering around with a trash bag and collecting the crap and generally end up sweating like a pig.

Meanwhile my buddy will be talking non-stop about how each piece of litter has a story to tell. And he’ll pick up one at a time and then start talking out loud about what he thinks the history of that piece of litter might be.

Now if that wasn’t bad enough, then he’ll get all jazzed about talking regards how this one little piece of paper is reflecting of the general spiritual decay of society. All I know it is a piece of garbage that is better off in a trash bag. I don’t really want to think about the idea of how one candy wrapper is some “symbolic harbinger of impending demise of our cherished social entity.”

Heck I’m not even sure what all that means other than the fact that Otis spends way too much talking and not enough picking up garbage. However I do put up with that since afterwards he does at least make sure we get something decent to eat. And I normally get to pick out the place. I think he does that in part because he feels guilty for slacking off on the labor part, but he calls it acknowledging my identity.

In any case under the overpass is just another episode of life I’ve learned to accept as one of those things we will get around too sooner or later. Sometimes I’m grateful that it is later and then there are other times when we are in some cool fast food burger joint afterwards when I don’t mind as much. Here’s hoping that at least you don’t feel the urge to use any overpass as a trash can so it makes my life harder.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK: "Happy is a good feeling. But being that way without a need for drugs means you won't regret it when they wear off."

NAME THAT BLOOM

Do you like flowers? I can take them or leave them. I mean they are pretty and all. But you can’t eat them. Well not as a rule. And outside of looking good and smelling good what else can you do with them?

I guess if you wanted to you could throw them at somebody if they were in a pot. You know as a form of weapon. Only those pots can be heavy so unless you are Superman you’ll probably not get to throw it very far.

So at least from my view a flower simply has a limited function. And I’m not against having them around and making a place looking nice. It is just I have to ask what else besides that can you do with them?

Now like I said that is my opinion. And so far I haven’t found anyone that has been able to tell me what else you can do with them.

But despite that fact there are still people out there who seem to totally love flowers. To the point they have these things called flower shows where they put their on display for you to go and look at them like you can’t do that already.

And then they have some kind of contest to decide, which is the best looking flower of a given type of flower. All I want to know is does it really matter? I mean is winning that prize going to save the world or get your picture in the paper? I hardly call it the kind of championship that you can impress most people with. It isn’t like you can run around as if you were a boxing champ and stick out your chest to show people what a cool winner you are. At least not to me.

In any case what really amazes me with all of this is that these folks are just content to enjoy their flowers or have some place to show them off. They got to complicate the whole thing by insisting on giving these flowers a special name. I’m not talking about a nickname, but some long weird sounding name. One that I couldn’t even remember if I had forever.

I personally think they do this to show off. It is like they have their own secret language and want to make you feel stupid for not knowing the secret name. And let me tell you that sucks in my opinion.

Ain’t it enough for me to know I is a rose without complicating stuff with one hard to pronounce name? Besides it is like that writer dude William Shake-a-spear said, “A rose by any other game will still stink.” Or something like that.

The point is to me, no matter how fancy a name you decide to give a rose it is still a rose. And you still can doing anything fun with it beside look at it and smell it. Which gets boring to me after about thirty seconds.

As for those people who like giving these flower special names. Well I got a few names for you. Only I don’t use that kind of language in a posting!

EXILES AND EXITS

Well one thing I do know is anything that starts with an “ex” means something is over. Or you’ve left or basically that you simply ain’t somewhere you used to be.

Exits are something you see in a whole lot of places. Sometimes it makes sense to have a sign to show you where the exit is. Like in a theater. Otherwise in the dark you might miss it. So I do appreciate them putting a light up to tell me it is an exit.

However do I really need one on the freeway to tell me the next exit? I ask you do these folks think I’m blind or just plain stupid? I do have to wonder. I mean what the heck are you going to do on an off ramp besides exit the freeway? Or am I the only one that has figured that part out?

The other part that bugs me is with some stores. They got a door just for entering and a second for exiting. What in the heck is up with that? Whenever I’ve been in the store it wasn’t that crowded so how come that got to only let you exit from one door and enter from a different one? And what happens if you do exit from the one marked enter? Are they going to arrest you? I’ve heard of shoplifting as being a crime, but I would just like to see them call the cops for having walked out the enter door. I call that just plain being silly.

Anyway somebody I guess in most places makes up these dumb rules. Man I wish someone would pay me to come up with such ideas. I can make up an exit sign as good as anybody else. Not sure where you apply for that job though.

As for this whole exiles thing, gee that has me a little stumped at first. Then I figured it must have something to do with exiting from a given aisle in some store. That doesn’t sound like a big deal to me, but if these stores need somebody to just figure out, which door you can enter and which you can exit then I bet the same knucklehead is the one that decided you need a fancy name for leaving an aisle too.

I also heard this one person speaking about being in exile. I reckon that is when you are still in the process of leaving a given aisle. Although I sort of got the idea that this person was unhappy about it. Which sort of makes me wonder if they have some time limit you can spend in some aisle without buying something and then if you don’t manage to exile yourself they shove something in your hand and say “here you got to buy this or else.”

Well I think I’m going to have to give this a little more investigation to be sure I understand it correctly. The big challenge at the moment for me though is that I got to find a store with enter and exit doors that will let actually go into their store. I won’t bore you with the details, but let’s just say some of the stores in our city sort of have told Otis that it would be best if I didn’t come into their store again.

Hey anybody can make a mistake. I mean when they have a big and tall stack of canned goods and say limit one per customer, no where does it say a word that you can’t take one from the bottom. I guess I sort through that as soon as I can sneak into some store without their security deciding I need to shop elsewhere.

FOR MEDICINAL PURPOSES ONLY

As I understand it this has to do with stuff you are suppose to use just for health reasons. And man I guess my neighbor has got to be about the sickest person on the planet. I’m speaking in terms of how he is feeling, not his brain.

I say that because he always having to drink lots of booze. I heard that some people use that for making them feel better. Well in his case I guess he keeps trying, but I’m not sure it is really helping him quite that much. But I will give him credit for hanging in there with it.

Although there are times when apparently he needs even extra help. So he has this guy who for some reason always wears a raincoat show up in the middle of the night to bring him a brown paper bag full of pills. Why some week that guy has to come two and three times.

Knowing my neighbor has been so sick I’ve tried to do what I can to be understanding about when he gets really cranky or acts a little funny. Such as those times after he’s drank a whole bunch of beer and ends up needing to take a nap on his lawn wearing only his underwear. Man I didn’t realize that drinking like that would tire you out so much, but in his case I guess it does.

Let it not be said that Philo Milo Buttercream is not the kind of guy who doesn’t care about his neighbor. Now I won’t go as overboard to do like the Reverend Analbe says in terms of loving my neighbor. With him that means you love them by having them give you lots of stuff. Not sure I understand how that is love, but he sure insists that you got to do it at least in terms of giving junk like money and a whole lot of it to him.

Anyway when it comes to my neighbor I did get so concerned about him being so sick and all. So I decided to do him a good deed and try to get him some help.

And seeing how he seemed so sick all the time I figured it was an emergency. So I called 911. Then for some reason after I explained my neighbor’s problem they ended up having me call this number where I talked to this nice police detective who worked in what they called the “narcotics” department.

Well let me tell you he sure seemed really interested in my neighbor’s problem. And he said he would take care of it.

Boy let me tell you he sure did. Why the other night when that dude came by with those pills all of a sudden a whole bunch of police cars showed up. Man now I call that being concerned. Then after they gave that dude a hug and a nice set of bracelets to wear they went up to my neighbor’s and were do darn excited about helping him that they broke down his door and then rushed inside.

I guess they figured he needed more help that they could give him right there because they took him with them when the left. I haven’t seen him since then. I was told by one of our other neighbors that he is going to be a guest of the state for a while.

It sure is nice to know I helped him out. Maybe one of these days when he comes home I can let him say thank you.

THE WEIGHT IS OVER

I groan every time I think of this. What I’m talking about is the latest, weight off cure my buddy Otis has decided is going to help him stop looking as if he’s got the shape of an egg.

It seems about every two or three months he decides to try something different and that means I have to also. And let me tell you there sure ain’t much we haven’t tried over the years. Some even work for a few days. That is until he seems some bakery we can’t pass up or they are having a sale on junk food at the store. Then forget it.

What cracks me up though is how Otis decides this time is going to be different. It doesn’t matter what it is, he decides it is going to be different. Basically that the weight problem is permanently over.

Now I don’t even mind that he decides this. I didn’t even care. What I do get bored with is how he insists upon talking about it constantly. Man talk about boring me to death this sure does.

I mean he’ll sit there, his eyes saying, “I’m starving,” and his lips saying that salad really tastes great and is enough to eat. And then he goes on to talk about how eating stuff that tastes good, but is bad for you is a thing of the past.

I just do my best to listen and when he isn’t looking I add some jelly beans to my salad or excuse myself as I claim I need to go to the bathroom. Then I stop by and grab a candy bar or ice cream or whatever to satisfy me while trying to make him think I’m enjoying the salad too.

If all of that wasn’t bad enough then there is the problem of him deciding to tell the whole world how this diet is a miracle cure. He’ll tell our neighbor, the waitress, the people at the table next to us, basically everyone he can as if it is going to make that stupid salad taste great.

But I guess what I love best is later. There is always a later when the munchie demon zaps him. He gets that crazed look in his eyes and I know there is nothing or no one that is going to keep him from eating a whole lot of sugar. It can be downright scary when that happens.

At that point of course he stops talking about the weight being over. He gets really silent on that subject. However my buddy is not the type to keep silent in general. So he’ll start talking about other junk.

I just do my best to listen and smile. The whole time grateful to be biting into something nice and sweet instead of those darn vegetables.

And about the only good thing I can say about this weight is over thing is that I know there will always be an afterwards time when I’ll get some great snacks. It just gets hard to remember that during the salad phase, but I do the best I can.

NUTS AND PAPERCLIPS

As unlikely as these two things seem to go together they really do in my book. It might be hard to see that connection for some, but it is no problem for me.

As I see it both nuts and paperclips are things you use for special occasions. Nuts are good as a snack and at parties. But that is normally when I mainly think of them. Like wise paper clips are only something I want to use when I need to keep a group of papers together.

The big problem with both of them is that I normally forget where I put them when I need them. Nuts are generally something that we put in the cupboard, which Otis calls a pantry. But you know sometimes we are in a hurry and stuffed them in a drawer or if it is some open can then we might put almost anywhere. Remembering where can be real tough. And then if it has been too long since we last used them, man sometimes it is almost easier to go out and buy a new can than remember where we put the last one.

With paper clips it can even be worse for us. I mean we just don’t use them that much. So we don’t have a big supply to start with. Finding one can be hard because you never are sure their will be one in some drawer.

Actually I don’t mind looking through the drawers though from time to time. That’s because half the time we end up finding stuff we thought we lost. It is sort of like having Christmas at a different time when we find something really cool.

What I was giving a little thought too was what if you made paper clips out of nuts? That way they would serve two purposes. Wouldn’t that make more sense.

Plus if you were in the mood for a snack and didn’t have on you could just reach for one of those paper clips and munch away. I wonder how come nobody ever thought of it before? Seems like a great idea to me.

Well as usual it looks like it is up to me to make this idea work. So I think I’ll go out and get some nuts and see if there is a way to turn them into paper clips. Hmmm, maybe if I slice them real then and warm them up enough they could be made to bend?

That’s a start I suppose. But if that doesn’t work I’ll try to think of a different choice. After all I bet this could be a real plus for a lot of people. Just think of all those folks who work at their desks and get the munchies while working. I bet most have paper clips somewhere. Now when they were hungry they wouldn’t have to wait till lunch to eat.

I guess the big problem might be how would you classify a nut that has been turned into a paper clip? Would it still be a nut or an office supply?

I reckon once I get this idea perfected I can check with the people who figure such things out. We can sit around eat a few and clip something while talking about it. I’ll let you know how that works out.

BREADSTICK JOYS

Man is bread just about one of the coolest things to put in your mouth or what? And breadstick if they are those soft kind that practically melt in your mouth then they are almost perfect.

Every once and a while my buddy Otis gets in this mood where he decides we should go out to eat at some place that sells stuff like pizza and that “lazagnut” stuff. I don’t know why he thinks it is better to go there than fix it at home the way we normally do, but I humor him and tag alone.

However I do notice he normally is more inclined to mention it after he watches the travel channel on cable and they have some special about visiting Italy. I guess I ought to be grateful he doesn’t feel the same way about when they show those specials on France. There is no way I’m going to eat any slimy snail regardless of how much ketchup they give me.

Anyway when it comes to the Italian deal we normally go to this one place where they have decent bread sticks. Well they are more like rolls with a great garlic flavor. And while Otis orders all that weird stuff other than pizza or spaghetti I just concentrate on getting something like a small bowlful of spaghetti and then ask for rolls. And I keep asking them as often as possible.

I guess the waiters and waitresses have gotten to know me pretty well along the way. For every time we show up they don’t even wait till we order to bring me a bunch of them rolls. At least Otis doesn’t gripe when the charge him extra. Since he also pays extra for them to make meatballs special out of Spam I reckon he doesn’t mind a few extra bucks for the breadsticks.

At least Otis doesn’t get in those moods all that often. So most of the time I can generally get him to just order pizza from the take out place. They got some pretty good breadsticks too only they don’t call breadsticks. I forget what they call them, but if you order two pizzas you get them for free.

Don’t tell Otis, but sometimes when he asks me to order the pizza I order like six or ten. Then when they show up at the door he insists we only wanted two. Oh he asks me and I say two, but I’m going to tell the real fact is all I wanted was extra breadsticks or rolls or whatever.

Right now I’m working on figuring out how I can make my own. I went down to the grocery store and bought six loafs of white bread. I haven’t quite figured out how I’m going to turn them into garlic breadsticks yet. But I did also buy some garlic too.

I also got a hammer to help shaped them as I need into breadsticks. I just am not sure how much I will need to hit them in order to get them to taste like regular breadsticks.

Well I guess that is a project I’ll have to try and see what happens. However I still have the pizza take out place on speed dial if that doesn’t work out either.

SOMEWHERE BEYOND THE DEW

Now dew is the wet stuff that gets on the lawn and cars early in the morning. I don’t know what God had in mind by creating this stuff, but I know when I try to get on my moped too early on some mornings I better take a towel because I know the seat will be all wet from this dew.

And the thing that bugs me the most is I know that when I get up it will be that one on some days, but I go out to the moped stupidly thinking I don’t need a towel. Then of course I have to make a trip back into the apartment to get a towel and waste all that extra time before I can get going.

I still haven’t figured out how come some days I get stupid that way. But I also know it sure pisses me off and sort of sets my mood for the whole day. I’m really mad at myself, but I would rather be made at everything else since it sounds better to me or at least makes me feel better.

Well there are times when my buddy Otis will see me go through this silliness and he’ll sit back and make some subtle comment about how there is more to life than dew. I know he’s right, but at that moment it isn’t always what I want to hear. So I head off and grumble all day and basically remain pissed.

There are the occasional times though when I will really think about what he said and realize how he is right. So then I stop and take a deep breath and accept there really is life somewhere beyond the dew. That I don’t really need to let that kind of small stuff manage to rob me of the chance to enjoy life.

I hope that all of you are better at not letting the dew ruin your day. As somebody once said, “don’t sweat the small stuff.” I got to admit that is harder to practice than know.

But I do try. And there are days when I think I actually succeed. Then it is funny how life just seems to be between in many other ways. And then I do find life somewhere beyond the dew.

I wish I could figure a way to do that all the time. But I don’t. I know myself well enough to appreciate on some other day the dew is going to get to me again.

Still I don’t give up and along the way I try to remember the good days when I manage to not let the crap bug me as much as the other times. Those are worth remembering. A lot more than the dew anyway.

Isn’t it funny how on different days what is important changes. And that is something that will always be that way I bet.

As for me, well I’m still trying to invest more time remembering what lies somewhere beyond the dew. It sure is a lot more fun than thinking about wet towels!

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK: "They say make love not war. But what if you love war? I guess shooting doesn't qualify as a form of saying I love you."

GOING FOR THE OLD

My buddy Otis said the dumbest thing the other day. He said everybody gets old. I mean he made it sound like it isn’t a choice or something.

Now the way I figure it you don’t really have to get old. Oh true you continue to have birthdays, but I think the reason people really get old is because that I what they are told to expect. So if you didn’t get told it and instead you thought you would never get old then you solve the problem.

Well that is my theory at the moment. I imagine it is too late to help the poor people who are already old. You can do much for them I suppose.

But it ain’t too late to keep everyone else from getting that way. Of course I imagine part of this will require a person to at least figure a way to not get older with some help.

And I’ve been thinking that I bet there is a way to do that if you just try hard enough. Which I think starts with people being willing to make sure they don’t neglect any options in that regard.

The place I think you have to start with this is in Hollywood. Have you ever noticed that some of those movie actors look so darn young no matter how old they seem to get. Shoot you can see a movie in which they appeared twenty years ago and if you see the movie today they haven’t aged at all.

That tells me they got some kind of special secret they know and aren’t telling. And I think I figured out it has to do with some time machine. I mean they made a couple of movies with time machines in them so that makes we wonder what they did with them. I bet they are just keeping them hidden and hording them just for themselves.

However even if that don’t work I got a few other ideas to consider. One is to give a lot of thought to that thing they call the “International Day Line.” I understand that you go over it and you gain time. Which would be a good thing to use in order to keep from when you need it too.

Plus there is that thing called Daily Savings Time where you can gain and hour too. And then there is leap years where they have extra days.

So they way I figure it maybe if you were to cross the International Date Line during the time of Daily Savings Time in a Leap Year who knows how much time you could save. I bet you would have never of thought of that without my help huh?

And that’s just the beginning folks. Why I understand that there are devices out there they have invented that are suppose to save time from whatever you were doing. Well shoot then it ought to be obvious. All you got to do is get a bunch of those things together and cross over that International Date Line and man I bet you actually get younger.

But if none of that works out I got a back up plan. That is the one I came up with when I hit my head while Otis was backing up the garbage truck. Basically this one involved birthday candles and making sure you never use more than a certain number on your birthday cake. Then you make a wish while blowing out the candles and heck one more year to hang on too!

PLAYNG LEAP FROG

What kind of crazy people think this is a good thing to do? I mean shoot frogs are hardly giants so what is the challenge here?

But apparently somebody thinks this is cool. I have to wonder where you find all these frogs to leap in the first place? It ain’t like they hang out anywhere that I know of that is easy to find.

Of course I should mention that how I even heard of this was from these two guys where I work at STINK. I didn’t catch the whole conversation, but from what I gathered they use to like doing this as kids.

They hurried off before I had a chance to ask them to explain though. I got to admit that something keeps them awful busy. That’s because every time I see them and go up to talk to them they always seem to need to hurry off to wherever.

Anyway I assume that leaping frogs was considered cool where they lived as kids. I do kind of question if it is a good idea since if you didn’t managed to leap over the frog you could risk getting warts on your butt. And I’ll pass on that option.

I think my big concern here is that somebody might be fooling little kids into doing this for some strange reason. Maybe they want to get little kids all wore out trying to chase frogs to get them to leap over them.

I can’t say for sure, but I would think people would have a better way to spend their time than thinking up that kind of crap. But then that is how I view it.

And who knows maybe there is some kind of silly tradition that this belongs with. Like say jumping and stuff. After all leaping is a kind of jumping. So perhaps what happens is people start out by someone teaching them as kids to have fun playing at this leaping thing. Then later the same kids get so use to leap that they start jumping other stuff.

When it comes to jumping let me tell you people sure do a lot of that. There is jumping to conclusions and jumping for joy. So perhaps all of that jumping started because these same people when they were kids were used to playing at this leap frog thing.

Well that’s just a thought of course. I just hope whatever person is running around and claiming leaping is a good thing stops and thinks about it a little bit once and a while. Or maybe they can even give it a try themselves and figure out it ain’t as good a idea as they first thought.

Unless they are the type that are into selling frogs. Yeah I bet that has something to do with it. And if you end up coming across some dude who says he’s got a big bargain on frogs I’d give it a second thought. No sense getting all excited about something that really don’t seem all that important and you can get by without doing. So let somebody else mess with the frogs. That way you’ll have more time to spend doing important stuff like looking for that pot of gold they claim is at the end of a rainbow.

BUY NOW, PAY LATER

Boy do I enjoy this option. They have it over at this one store where I go sometimes. And any time I can get what I want and pay later that sure puts a smile on my face.

It sure was easy to with what they call their “easy payment plan.” All I have to sign on this line and then later they send me a bill and I only have to pay part of the bill each month. That works for me.

I got to admit though I’m not sure I understand about this idea of finance and interest charges. I’m definitely interested, but I didn’t know that they charged me just for that.

And then they got this thing called an “APR.” Which I guess is some kind of abbreviation for the month of April. They always show it with some kind of per cent thing. I guess that has something to do with that month being when that per cent thing is most important. Plus they put a number with it so I figure that is the day of the month that is it important.

To be honest that can be a little confusing since I’m not sure quite why they don’t just show it as a regular number instead of having it show 29.56. I haven’t got that 56 part totally figured out yet. But I’ll try to remember when April 29 rolls around.

Until then I’m sure enjoying going in and buying junk. It sure is fun at times. And man talk about bargains. Well shoot they are always having sales it seems.

Why just the other day they had this great sale on notebooks. Normally they sell them for $3.95 each instead of $4.95. But I didn’t have the cash and so they let me get a couple of them on that pay later option.

However I didn’t mind. I did save a whole dollar on each one. Well at least I think I did. I mean there was something on the paper I signed about sales prices not applying to what they call a revolving charge. The good thing is that I wasn’t in the revolving door when I charged the books so I bet that doesn’t apply to me.

I’m really looking forward to the chance to go there next week. That’s when they are having this thing called a clearance sale. And I never miss those because I can see things really clear.

I hope you all have some cool places to shop where they have this kind of buy now and pay later option. It sure is great to live in a country where there are stores that really try to give the working person a break once and a while.

But one word of warning though. The guys in this store are great, but at times they do get a little weird. The other day they were talking about having a moonlight sale. I kind of doubt that will go over big since you can pretty much get moonlight for free just by going outside at night. Guess you can’t expect them to only be sane all the time can you?

BEAN, SCENE AND GREEN

Okay I like stuff like pork and beans. And I don’t even mind eating them right out of the can. Well I do open it first though. Plus if Otis is around I take time to put them on a plate. But if he ain’t around then I just get a spoon and enjoy myself.

Now the important thing to me is there are certain realities you have to accept about eating beans. For one they can really make you fart. So it is always a good idea to find some place out doors to enjoy them. Because even though it might be fun to sit in the living room and gobble them down, the smell sure don’t encourage visitors.

The hard part is finding somewhere that you can have a pleasant scene to enjoy this glorious tasty meal without anybody griping. It sure can be tough to do that with some places that might otherwise work such as an amusement park. Unless you can get the hang of say eating them while on a rollercoaster so the wind blows the smell in a direction the poor dude behind you don’t have to pass out.

A park can be a decent spot to eat beans. After all people are used to having picnics there so they often don’t think much of what you are eating. And the adding blessing is that is is nice and green so that makes it peaceful.

One cool lesson I did learn too about eating beans in the park is that if someone complains about the smell you can always claim it is because of fertilizer and not a fart. You would be surprised how often that works.

Another place you can enjoy beans without too much trouble is the mountains. Sitting on some rock high in the mountains gives you a chance to look out on nature and makes the whole thing a little cooler. Well I’m not a big one for nature, but I don’t know I love having the mountain air as an excuse for stuffing my face with beans or just about any other cool food.

Perhaps the best part about going up to the mountains and all those green trees and buses is that it helps to make people feel like they are doing something different from just hanging around a city. And that can be helpful too when you are eating beans.

That’s because the one nice thing is if you happen to cut one and there are too many people around you can say it was some bear’s fault. And most people will generally buy that one.

I did try claiming it was Bigfoot once. Not sure the people who were turning green from the smell truly believed it. But at least I was able to finish off the beans and get rid of the can before they started asking me too many questions. So I’m not sure I’ll try that one again.

Well I guess those are some pretty good guidelines for eating a can of beans where you are around people. Now if you really want to avoid the whole thing of course you can always just stick with jelly beans. Then you probably won’t even have to worry about finding a place that is green or with a great scene.

IN A PICKLE

Can you imagine the horror of being imprisoned in some pickle? And the thing is when I hear this saying no buddy ever mentions if you are talking about a sweet or dill pickle. That seems kind of important too me.

Plus I can’t recall any pickle that so big you could end up some how being stuck inside it and not simple eat your way out. Sure seems odd to me. It is sort of like the person is there because he or she is too stupid to realize that you just eat your way out.

So I’ve decide that first of all for this to be a saying it means there are sure some giant pickles on the planet somewhere and that for some reason the people that grow them end up getting stuck inside. I don’t think I want to visit a place where people are that dumb. It might rub off or something and who needs that kind of stupidity.

Well what I did after thinking about this for a while was to discuss it with my buddy, Otis. You know there are a lot of times when he seems to get some interesting ideas of stuff that doesn’t otherwise make sense to me.

Now according to Otis when they talk about being in a pickle they are talking about a person being in some kind of mess. Boy I’ll say. If you are stuck in some pickle then you really are in a mess. So I can appreciate that.

The only thing I wonder about is whether he meant that you where in a mess because of the pickle? I forgot to ask him about that part.

Personally I’m not much for pickles whether you are talking sweet ones or them dill ones. They can be kind of crunchy, but I don’t know they will just never replace other good stuff to me as something cool to eat.

However I don’t want to not respect any of you folks out there that love them, even if they might end up causing you to be in some kind of mess. Hey if you are okay with that idea then it is okay by me.

As for me, well I guess the main thing is that I get into enough messes without any help. So I figure there is no reason to risk even more problems with some pickles that I might end up with as making another mess. I’ll think I’ll pass on that part.

Still if that is somehow your idea of a good time then enjoy. Just do me a favor and try to make a mess with a pickle somewhere other than where I am. Because I know from past experience if it happens around where I am I end up getting blamed for it even if it wasn’t my fault.

I guess that is another reason I think I’ll avoid those pickles. I got enough things to worry about beside having food get me in trouble that I don’t even like.

Here’s hoping you avoid being in a pickle come what may. And if by chance you don’t avoid the mess, then please fess up to it and clean it up instead of making somebody else do it.

WHERE THE BUFFALO GROAN

I’m not claiming to be any expert on buffalo. In fact I’ve only seen them in some pictures. But I sort of get the impression they are a little like some cow in need of a hair cut.

And I have seen a few cows. They have some farms outside of town where I’ve visited from time to time for no other reason than to let the smell encourage me to stay in the city. Which is sort of part of what I was thinking about with this posting.

Basically how I’m a lot happier being a sophisticated urban happening kind of dude rather than living out there in nature where those buffalo are roaming and no doubt doing their share of groaning. Now why would I assume that a buffalo would groan? Well what else cool have they got to do all day? They get so waddle around looking for grass or whatever to eat. Other than that I can’t say they have a whole lot exciting to brag about.

In fact from what I understand they don’t even get to do a whole lot of roaming these days. Which I suppose is because most of the places they use to hang out have been turned into some place useful like a shopping mall or subdivision.

Now I don’t want to give any animal grief or necessarily ruin their fun, but frankly I think fair is fair. A buffalo ain’t exactly going to miss a few acres of land anyway. What could you expect them to do with it that would be all that worthwhile?

Too bad they aren’t say something cooler in the animal kingdom, such as being the kind that is able to do some type of tricks. At least then they could make a few bucks keeping people entertained.

But as it is all they do apparently is hang around all day in the open just thinking about whatever would give them a reason to groan. And I suppose if that is their idea of a good time fine. It just doesn’t work for me.

What sort of bothers me is there are times when I realize that my life at times is about as exciting as those darn buffalo. And that is when I decide to do something about it. I mean there ain’t anyway I’m going to just sit on my behind like some buffalo and just groan without figuring a way to improve things.

That is because I got a brain. Some might complain I don’t use it right. But I do use it. However, I have known a few people who are a little scary. They are sort of like those buffalo. They don’t really do much and never change. Still they do love groaning.

I wonder if you could make them hang with some buffalo that they might take a chance and change? Well I guess I could suggest that. (Along with the idea that they take more baths to stop smelling like some mangy buffalo.)

In any case I hope you find a way to enjoy life a little and if you get as bad off as those buffalo with their groaning you wake up and smell the manure and change. Cheers!

CANTALOUPE AND SOUR CREAM

I suppose that I could have entitled this posting, stuff that you only eat with something else. At least I do.

Now when it comes to any melons I can take them or leave them. But if I do take them I prefer to give them help to make them more easy to enjoy.

And I guess I like cantaloupe for being orange more than just their taste. They really make a vanilla shake different if you add enough of them.

As for sour cream. Well it is great in chips. But like cantaloupe it is better if you put it with something else.

I’ve never tried to put sour cream and cantaloupe together in anything. I don’t know that isn’t something I’m too daring about at this point. I like to try different stuff, but that just is a little too much for me at this point.

So I guess this is just a case of knowing that in life there are some times when to enjoy something you have to make allowances. That is what Otis calls it when you have to tolerate something you otherwise wouldn’t tolerate from something else.

And I guess in some way people can be like that too. There are some folks that are just easier to enjoy when you add something to the relationship like meeting them somewhere fun so they can’t bore you with some dull conversation.

That is how Otis does it with some of the grimefighters. He just tells them to meet us at a burger joint and then everything is made easier with a full tummy.

Personally I do care because I get a free meal out of it and then when you are dealing with some dude that talks about stuff that might turn your stomach you got something good in it so it don’t matter that much. And I think that is pretty darn smart.

Anyway like I said I don’t mind cantaloupe or sour cream in the right situation. And I suppose I’ve learned to look at most people that way too. So as long as I can stomach what they say then it ain’t so bad.

Of course there is always that rat boy, Junior Hemoglobin. I think if he was a food it would be one that Truly Grimey cooked up. And there is just no way to eat that and not get a little sick at your stomach.

So when possible with Junior I only like to deal with him after I’ve been sucking on some milk shake. Course I don’t tell him that. Or the fact that at times I try to imagine him being stuffed in some blender and then being able to push the button.

Only with him you would probably end up with a cheese shake and I wouldn’t want that in any case. So I think I’ll just be content to regard him like I do some other folks as another form of cantaloupe or sour cream that needs help to be okay.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK: "All good things come to he who waits. That must be the dude who is out of work and stays home all day waiting for the UPS truck to deliver from the Home Shopping Network."

LISTENING TO SEASONING

Alright now before I get to far let me explain a basic rule in this regard. First of all, most foods are better when you season them.

So don’t be afraid to take something you don’t think tastes cool enough and add something to improve it. It is like that say, “Variety is the lice of a knife.” Er maybe that is “Some Eye in a pea is a slice of strife.” Oh shoot, basically the idea is that doing things different keeps stuff from being too boring.

But for the benefit of you folks who maybe haven’t tried this enough let me give you a few pointers in terms of seasoning stuff. And that way if you know you can rely upon my having already tried it then you won’t have to worry if it works.

For starters then you got your basic salt and pepper. Salt is okay if you like salty junk and pepper is okay if you want it to be hotter. But I would recommend you don’t try it with something like say ice cream or anything sweet. They don’t work too good.

Another really good seasoning for me is ketchup. It is amazing how many things just taste better and even look better when you drown them in ketchup. Like say if you fix some French Fries at home and accidentally burn them. No problem, smothering them in French Fries really helps.

The same can be said for stuff like burgers too. With pizza well they use this special tomato paste, which is like ketchup only thicker. And the more you got of it the better it is in some ways also from my point of view.

The one seasoning that probably gets over looked the most in my book is peanut butter. Man talk about a tragedy. I suggest you really give this glorious and tasty stuff the respect it deserves. In fact I bet it was the very food they had in mind when they came up with that work “AM-BRUISE-YAH!” You know when something tastes so good it makes you feel great.

Basically I think the idea here is enjoy and don’t be afraid of trying one of these great choices if and when. And once you get the hang of it I won’t mind helping you move on to the next level with seasonings.

That is the one where you eat the seasoning separate before you bother with the food. And for me nothing works better than a big bowl of jelly beans.

Let me tell you folks if I’m looking at eating some crummy “health food” junk that my buddy Otis bought to try and help us be healthier you can be darn sure I’m going to wolf down a ton of jelly beans first. My buddy may be okay with eating crap that takes like cardboard and saying it works, but not mean.

Course I don’t like to hurt his feelings so I normally don’t tell him about me sneaking off to eat the jelly beans first. But I can say doing that has sure kept on smile on my face when he shoves a plate of something that smells funny under my nose.

A SPOONFUL OF SUGAR

I heard this as part of song in this movie about this really cool lady who could fly with the help of her umbrella and do a whole lot of other magical junk. And in this song she was talking about how a spoonful of sugar helped you to tolerate some medicine.

Well I’m not sure that I personally want to have to take any medicine that you need the help of a spoonful of sugar just to swallow it. Sort of sounds like if you were out of luck and didn’t have any sugar it would make you puke. They call that a good medicine? I don’t think so.

As far as the spoonful of sugar though I’m all in favor of using it for lots of stuff other than medicine. It really works good on stuff like cereal. I mean some cereal they dudes make has got some sugar on it already. But I don’t know it just doesn’t seem to be enough for me. Only I got to admit I normally don’t stop at just one spoonful.

I start out thinking it will be enough. However when I sprinkle it on there and can’t see any white stuff I start worrying if I don’t see it then maybe I won’t be able to taste it. So I add another spoonful and then another and another till it looks like somebody snowed on it.

Anyway the thing is I gave this whole spoonful of sugar thing some thought and figured that perhaps there are a whole lot of things you might be able to improve with the right spoon of something. Like what you might ask?

Oh I don’t know how about say the news. Yeah whenever I tune in it seems like all the want to do is tell you bad junk. And that can be so darn depressing. So they sure could use a spoonful of something to sweeten it up a little. Perhaps some good news would help. Or even if they don’t have any to at least make some up.

Which Otis claims they already make stuff up. If that is the case they need a new writer because the one that is making it up now really sucks in terms of being all that creative.

I wouldn’t mind helping out if they have trouble figuring out what to say. It can’t be that hard. Shoot as far as I’m concerned there just are plenty of things out there that could be sweetened up with the right effort. That’s where you need some cool writing dude like me to work on it.

Now I don’t want to spoil it for you, but I’ll just give you a little taste. So here goes: “News flash, The World Will End at Five pm today!” That is just the headline. As for the story itself it would have to do with er, sundown being as usual. Which I would sort of show how when you get a chance you can really enjoy something regular if you think it ain’t going to happen ever again. Okay, maybe it needs work. But that was just off the top of my head. However I can sure sweeten it up with a little thought. Which I’m willing to do.

I just wish the real news folks would try more at sweetening up their news. At least it might taste better sometimes!

FINE AND CANDY

Okay, okay I know the moment I put the word candy in the title of this posting most people are going to presume I’m going to mention my favorite food of all time, which is “you know what.” And if you don’t know then you just need to read some of my other postings because belief it or not I’m not going to use those two luscious and incredibly words together in this posting.

Why? Well I guess in part I’m trying to be different. Not sure if that will turn out to be a good thing, but I’m going to give it a shot.

The thing is in terms of this posting when I mention “candy” I not speaking of the kind you eat. I’m speaking of the kind that is more of a feeling when something good happens to you. Sometimes that can itself be a type of sweetness that can last even longer than the other kind (and it don’t give you the risk of a tummy ache if you eat too much.)

As I see it there is just something extra cool and tasty to the heart about feeling fine. It just makes the whole world seem like a better place.

The hard problem is feeling that way more than once and a while. I don’t know why it is that people seem more inclined to make you feel lousy than fine, but it sure appears that way at times.

I kind of think thought that perhaps we could do a little more on our part to improve that problem. Sort of like passing out candy. You give it out and most people are going to smile. So that means to me if we did it to make people feel better it would work the same way.

Because the one thing there doesn’t seem to be is a shortage of people in the world in a crummy mood. I can’t say it will be easy. With some people even though trying to eat lemons would taste sour and make them look unhappy they aren’t going to stop.

Not sure those folks would enjoy the kind of candy that makes you feel fine no matter what. Only I do think it should keep the rest of us from trying.

And I’ve decided to see what I can do to help. I may have to give that some thought. You know to be sure I figure out what will make the most people feel fine.

But I can’t imagine it will be impossible. It is just a question of thinking about it long enough. Er let me think here and give it a shot.

Hmmm. I kind of am leaning towards the idea that giving stuff away might help. Everybody seems to enjoy being given presents. Yeah that might be a real cool place to start.

The only question then is what kind of present. Well shoot that is easy to figure out. Everybody loves taking a bath and feeling clean right? So all I have to do is come up with some place you can get all clean for free. I wonder if you can borrow the use of a fire hydrant? I guess I’ll have to find out.

LOVE IT OR BEAT IT

Yep that is slowly becoming my favorite motto. I really am getting tired of the folks I have to deal with that only want to gripe all the time. Nothing ever makes them happy. And I say if you don’t like something then “beat it” as in leave.

However it never seems to work out that way. There are too many who want to complain and hang around anyway. They really appear to get their jollies out of being miserable and doing what they can to make sure you feel that way too.

Now don’t get me wrong. I love griping at times. Just not all the time. And normally my buddy Otis is real good at pointing out when I’m being too grumpy.

I suppose the one time I get bugged the most about this whole thing is when I am busy being a grimefighting super hero. Here Otis and I am out there trying to save the world from grime and in the process some jerk will get pissed off by what we do.

Hey when we are after a suspected griminal we don’t always have time to stop and make sure about stuff like traffic laws or whether we drive just on the street. Sometimes we get in a hurry and the sidewalk is the only place not crowded.

Try explaining that to some dude when he has to leap out of the way when you are driving on the sidewalk and headed hi way. Heck we always honk. So it ain’t like we don’t give them any warning.

There are the times too when we get in a real hurry to catch the bad guy and make a mistake and grab the wrong person. You would thing people could be a little more understanding about us being human. But NOOOOO! Man can they get bent out of shape if you whack them a dozen times with a bat then run over them with a garbage truck before tossing their unconscious body into the trash container.

We always try to apologize and explain it was an honest mistake. But some people just don’t seem willing to listen.

Course that the other form of beat it I have to exercise when they won’t listen to reason. I just keep whacking them with my bat till they calm down. Or at least remain unconscious long enough for Otis and I to leave without them being able to see where we went.

But as they say, life goes on and I guess no matter how much we try to stop grime in the world and be the super hero good guys you just can’t please everyone. I still plan on working at it though.

Not sure if I can achieve it without the beating part with my bat and just telling them to leave, but I think I’ll try. It might be tough I suppose, yet as I’ve heard it said, “no pain, no gain.” I only wish that I could get more people to understand how I apply that phrase when I’m standing over them with my bat!

LET THE GOOD TIMES COME ON A ROLL

I ask you, if you like to celebrate something do you want to do it with or without something good to eat? I mean how could you honestly do up a birthday or wedding or just about any other fun event and not also include a decent yummie in the process?

Well I suppose some people might try, but not me. And I don’t even feel that is bad in any way.

The only problem I have in that regard is with the people who throw some sort of celebration and then insist upon offering you some yucky crap to eat. The come THIS close to showing how cool they are and then they blow it big time when it comes to what are called refreshments.

Now take with the Reverend Analbe and his Moral Priority pals. Potlucks are sort of a habit with them. I think there is something in the bible about it. Not sure what, but I know the Reverend sure seems to insist that stuffing your face and some potluck is a good thing. And man let me tell you when it comes to being able to stuff your face the Reverend is a champ. Nobody in his church can pack away more food that him.

With his bunch that is no easy challenge either. Man those folks sure love to eat till they can’t hardly breathe from being so stuffed. It sort of makes me wonder if there must be some kind of buffet, all you can eat place in heaven. Because I got a feeling the Reverend and his bunch will be more than a little unhappy if they get up there and they don’t have one.

Anyway the thing is when it comes to potlucks no problem. I enjoy them. However they got some other weird occasions that just don’t make sense to me. Like this think called communion or the Lord’s supper.

I got to tell you that sure is one skimpy meal if is intended to be some supper. All you get is this tiny glass of grape juice and a piece of cracker that is so small you practically need a microscope to see it.

But he calls cracker “bread.” Only one thing I wouldn’t recommend is that you try and make a sandwich out of it. Because that thing is so tiny you could never get any mayonnaise or peanut butter to stick to it.

Plus they never even offer you seconds. Like that little bit is somehow suppose to fill you up.

Course they only mess with that supper once a month on a Sunday so I guess it ain’t as if they expect you to live on it. And I’m sure glad they haven’t decided to have the same meal for their potlucks.

The other times that are sort of weird to me are the times when they have what they call “refreshments.” That amounts to basically some punch that basically tastes more like water than punch and also some cookies. Cookies aren’t so bad. But the big problem is the lady who generally bakes them sort of forgets to take them out of the oven in time. So she ends up covering them in icing as if that will keep you from knowing they are burnt underneath. Believe me it doesn’t work.

Oh well at least Otis and I don’t depend on those refreshments for a meal. And perhaps one of these days that lady will figure out how not to burn the cookies. In the meantime we are just doing our best to pretend we ain’t hungry when she passes out those things.

BEING DIFFERENT WITHOUT TELLING ANYONE

There are things you can brag about and impress people and others that you are better off just keeping to yourself. I know because this has happen to me way too often.

In my case I think being a super hero type of grimefighter is pretty darn important stuff. But try and tell that to some people. Like my neighbor. We’re talking about a dude that thinks professional wrestling is the only real sport there is. I’m not saying it ain’t lots of fun to watch, but shoot it ain’t the only sport in the world.

However with my neighbor he just thinks only some stuff is great and the rest don’t count. So I can come home after saving the world, well at least it seems like saving the world to me and let him know what I did and he doesn’t appear the least impress.

I have thought of using my bat to impress him, but Otis says no. He’s always saying no when it comes to using my bat to solve problems. So I just keep trying and trying to figure a way to make my neighbor think I’m cool since I know I am.

My buddy Otis says I’m wasting my time. Perhaps he is right. But I guess it has become a matter of principle with me I suppose. I want that guy to know I’m just not some dufus who lives next door and doesn’t do much.

I can’t say if I’ll ever succeed, but it is kind of funny too me at times how something like that will bug me. Otis on the other hand never seems to worry about that stuff. We’ll be sitting in our garbage truck taking a break and somebody will walk or drive by and to me it looks like they are snickering at us. I get pissed.

But my buddy will sit and point out that in reality they are jealous because they can really tell we are enjoying ourselves, which is true in many ways. And then he points out that the one thing a lot of people dislike is somebody who is different. That’s because if you have fun being different then you don’t have to worry as much about what others think. He calls that being really free.

I’m not sure whether I completely agree with that part. Yet I do have to admit that at times I find myself being happy just being me. And when Otis helps me feel that way then I don’t really get as concerned with impressing people.

The odd thing is that at times it seems like the real cool stuff that happens to me happens when I’m in that kind of mood. And amazingly it also seems as if right after that we end up somewhere that we could boast about what we did. Only for some weird reason I just never have the same need to boast about it.

In any case I’m still working on impressing my neighbor if for no other reason that to get him to shut up about that stupid big riding lawn mower he just bought. I’ve been thinking it might impress him if I was to do something like come home in our garbage truck and dump our load of garbage on his lawn just to show him how hard we work. Not sure if I should check with Otis first. But if I do perhaps I’ll take his advice and do it without letting my neighbor know it was me. Guess I’ll see if that helps.

SHIPS COMING IN

Well some people talk about this like it is going to really happen. Only I don’t know how that is going to work if you don’t live near an ocean.

And perhaps if you are lucky enough to live next to some really big river it might work. But we don’t live near one of them either. We do have a couple of lakes around and one lets you put row boats on it. Only I don’t think that will help.

The thing is the people I hear say this make it sound like it is a real big deal. As if all their problems will suddenly go away if this ship does come in.

Personally I ain’t to crazy about the sea. First of all I saw movies like “The Titanic” and “The Poseidon Adventure” and let me tell having that big thing sink on me and me drowning ain’t my idea of a good thing.

Plus I also saw those darn shark movies. I sure don’t want to risk being some snack for one of them either.

Now maybe all those dudes who talk about this being a good thing haven’t really thought it through very well. I mean if all of that isn’t enough to worry about then how about the stuff where you don’t know if the captain is sane. You just get on that stupid boat and he sails off and maybe the whole time he’s thinking he’s going to the moon or some other dumb place you can’t get to. Then the next thing you end up shipwrecked on some island like those poor folks in that Television series. Yeah I saw it too. Only you end up on some island where the natives are all cannibals and their idea of guess who is coming to dinner is a whole lot different than the kind you would like. And let me tell you there is no way I want to be the main course at any meal.

Plus if I understand the Reverend Analbe correctly going on a boat ain’t exactly something God is crazy about either. He was talking about this dude name Jonah the other day and how the guy was on this boat and it started having big problems and eventually he got tossed off and swallowed by a whale.

Does anybody want to tell me that would be a good thing? Hmmm I wonder if you would get a refund from the boat people for something like that? Well I for one don’t intend to find out. I plan on standing on the ground. That way if them stupid sharks do go out for a snack from some ship that ain’t suppose to sink, but does because the guy driving it can’t pay attention to some big iceberg then I’ll still be safe.

As for all those guys who are waiting for this ship to come in, well I wish them luck. They can even have my ticket if the time comes.

However I got a feeling they ain’t necessarily going to enjoy all the waiting. And besides it seems like you could pretty much get the other junk you want from life without the need of any ship. It just takes a little luck, a lot of work and a little help from people like Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny!

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK: "You're never too old, unless your name is on a headstone. Then you are a lot older than you think!"

A TIME FOR...

The Reverend Analbe was talking about this the other day. How there is a time for everything. That was another of those things he gets out of the bible. And it might be true and a good thing I suppose only with the Reverend he ended up making this another of those things where you were a bad person if you didn’t spend all your time doing what he said. Which to him was basically the same as doing what God wanted since he does talk to God and all.

Well at least he claims he does. It is just too bad that the Lord doesn’t give any of the rest of us a chance to make a few suggestions on that subject. I for one would like to have the Lord tell the Reverend to shut up once and a while, but I reckon that isn’t going to happen.

In any case I guess this whole time for business isn’t all that bad. It is just a shame I don’t get to decide the time for thing in terms of what I want to do.

I just seem to get stuck all the time spending most of my time doing junk that I would rather not do. Even as a grimefighter I don’t just get to fight grime and bash griminals. Too much of my time gets spent having to do other junk.

It is like when I first get to STINK headquarters for my current assignment along with my buddy Otis. They don’t just give us some list and tell us go and beat up the bad guys. That would be too easy I guess.

Nope it doesn’t work that way. Instead I have to spend the time getting stuck while we have this meeting to discuss our assignment. Like I don’t know really what to do. You just go out find the creeps and then beat them silly tell they give up. How hard is that to figure out?

Anyway after getting through with the meeting then the next step is going down to the garage to get issued our equipment. And that part is really boring. Because it doesn’t matter how many times I have used the same junk they still insist upon explaining it to me again. It is as if they think I have forgotten or something.

Then after doing all of that and we finally are ready to go out and fight grime we got to listen to a speech. Our leader, Dr. Hemoglobin calls that a moment of inspiration. I call it a time for yawning, which is what it does for me.

And naturally all of that still means we have to go on assignment and try to remember everything we were told because when we get done we have to fill out a report on what we did. Of course Dr. Hemoglobin doesn’t want us to put on the report all the boring stuff he made us do before assignment.

He says that wouldn’t be uplifting. Frankly it might be more uplifting if he let me use my bat once and a while and especially on the jerks trying to tell me how to use equipment I’ve used a thousand times.

But I guess none of that will ever change. Which is why I always look forward to the times when at least it is a chance to munch on some jelly beans. Now that is one time for I really don’t mind!