PRELUDE TO A FART

Oh yeah this is definitely important and in the right situation can mean the difference between survival and getting pulverized by a bunch of pissed off people. Basically it takes a whole lot of practice to know when your behind is about to blow. And then comes the stress from trying to figure out the perfect way to let off gas without being caught. Noise is definitely a big deal in this case.

There are certain basic rules I try to follow to cut down on the situations where some unexpected “eruption” might prove too risky. That is especially important if you are standing next to some big ugly dude with a tattoo on his bicep that says “killer.”

So the first thing I do before going out in public is make I avoid eating any foods that might increase my risk of a gas attack. For me the biggest stuff I can eat and have problems with gas is beans. Not jelly beans of course, but the regular kind. Like the kind you get in can of pork and beans or a burrito.

And then I just sort of do this mental checklist of stuff like did I do anything that might cause me to be extra prone to a gas attack? See I know with my body, even if I didn’t eat beans that there are times when my insides sort of get clogged up for a while. Then later it will be like a dam busted and I get the runs big time.

Well that is another time I got to be careful when going out that I don’t find myself with my rear end threatening to embarrass me in one way or another. That is just a matter of taking the time to be extra careful and remembering if my body is in the middle of plotting some sneak gas attack.

In any case naturally the other thing is there are times I just can avoid it. You know like when I’m working. Well the thing is if I’m saying doing my garbage route no big deal. People sort of expect bad smells from garbage so it is no big deal.

When I worry about it is mainly while being a super hero grimefighter type. Because you know I don’t want to disappoint any kids who might think of me as a hero type. I just would hate to get them upset because right in the middle of beating up a bad guy I passed the gas.

See that is something your usual folks just don’t have to worry about. I reckon they never even give it a thought, but I have to.

But if all else fails and I do have to pass gas in those situations I do my best to try and avoid making it obvious. One way to do that is to try and see if you are near say a fast food restaurant or some bakery. Because the cool smell of something cooking or being baked will a lot of times offset that other stench.

Another thing is to try and find a place that is noisy. Then people might hear when ou have to let a big one. And if they don’t hear it you have a better chance of them not noticing it was you. In the worst case situation the old standby is to find somebody you can blame for the fart. It just a back up plan, mainly meaning you back up while pointing the finger at somebody else.