Lord Can You Give This Dog A Bone?

Dear Lord I was trying to see this as a blessing

when you had this nice lady take me from the pet shop,

but do you think you might stop her spiritual guessing

she’s hearing you talk through walls and even a mop.

 

I tried to cope when she said angels now lived in the bedroom closet

then claimed Alpo was sinful because it was a four letter word,

next sent my pet food money to an evangelist as a sacred chow deposit,

before she tried baptizing me in that bathtub till my vision went blurred.

 

Now she’s really lost it by deciding Crystal Lite is some holy water,

gives her visions of heaven as well as the end of the world,

rambles about how all animals well get possessed to cause some slaughter,

decided only way to get the sin out of me by spinning me until I hurled.

 

Might have survive that last bout of utter spiritual insanity

if she wasn’t to try and staple some wings onto my back,

mumbled about those were canine version of Christianity

because you told her it would prevent a demon attack.

 

So now I’m hiding from her attempts to save me

can you at least inspire her to not be so completely weird,

at least try help her avoid taking me up some big oak tree

thinking well see heaven while she put on this fake prophet’s beard.